Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Setan ni banyak.

My husband was away for a few days, well, not that it's something new to me, but this time is different because he was uncontactable. (Ah, but he was uncontactable for a few days last year too, but that was due to flood. Too many buts!!!)

Anyway...While he was away, I kept thinking of the worst- him breaking my heart. Is he getting married again? Is he on a honeymoon or something? Is he really in Singapore?

My husband ni kan bukannya tech savvy. So, he turned off his phone. He only uses his Wi-fi if I connect it for him. Otherwise, he wouldn't know how, and is too scared to switch anything on to avoid overcharging.

That's why he was so quiet, but I couldn't help but think about all this unpleasant things. I mean, if it can happen to someone else, it can happen to me too! Plus, I've been getting numerous whispers over the years: Do you really trust your husband? Why are there hairclips in the car? Tak takut ke tinggal asing-asing?

Biasanya I buat pekak telinga je, as a sign of respect for their concerns. I don't want to unnecessarily fight without proof. I am not that kind of woman.

I mean, why should I be insecured? I am okay looking, I am smart and independent, I have my own good qualities many people are looking for, if that's not enough for my husband, then it is his loss. I have always stood by his side, helped and supported him. He is the one who should be thankful to have me!

Husband I tu pun, bukannya handsome sangat pun...Kadang-kadang, I found Whatsapp messages in his phone which I don't like. So, I deleted their numbers and blocked them, haha. My husband is so blur, he doesn't even know what I did or how to unblock them. Most of the messages are quite harmless, but I just don't like lah okay!

So, tuh lah. Tak baik kan bersangka buruk pada suami sendiri. Tapi I memang sedikit paranoid, akibat baca banyak tabloid, haha.

After 3 days of silence, he called me from the airport and I demanded him to take pictures of his luggage and airplane ticket. Crazy woman.

I tak suka ada suspicion macam ni sebenarnya. But, as they always say, never trust men 100%.

But, yeah, I write this post just to remind myself that I'm awesome. If he breaks my heart, then it is his loss, and I know he wouldn't be able to find a woman as perfect as I am --> must think like this every time setan datang to mess with head.


It's funny to think that when I was with my ex boyfriend, I used to imagine, if I marry him, I wouldn't mind if he wants to have a polygamy. But with my current husband, lain pulak jadinya, no way I would agree to such things, okay! I guess, I never really loved my ex boyfriend, but he did give me a major heartache when we got separated for good. Tak berapa cinta pun nak patah hati macam gila. Bongok betul. Tapi ex boyfriend I tu lagi bongok, haha, thank God I didn't marry him.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Pregnancy: better skin, better hair. Somehow I think I look prettier in a way...Like, after so long of feeling ugly and unkempt. Haaa...Finally, that feeling when you look at yourself and you say, "Actually, I am not that bad..."

Good thing that I'm a mom, so I don't have the time to look in the mirror for so many times to admire myself. Keeps me grounded.

Hey, I can still be hot!


I think my tummy is smaller compared to last time. The nurses and the doctors think so too...The scan showed otherwise though, Alhamdulillah.

I thought, you should get bigger with subsequent pregnancies. When I was pregnant with Baby K, I was so big because I had polyhydromnious. This one makes me worry- is it due to my anaemia? And I frequently missed my daily dose. Errrkkk...

At 28 weeks, I was 55 kg. For those who think 55 kg is heavy, well, I'm not one of you..I used to weigh 52 kg when I was plumper, curvier and healthier, in my Uni days...Made my then boyfriend-now-husband crazy about me. Hahaha...

Ah, well, Malaysian women generally want to be ligher. 50kg pun dah bising gemuk...I was once almost 60kg! I was new in town, adjusting to the weather, didn't know how to estimate food intake, ate a lot of junk food as long as they are cheap, (well, cookies and chocolates memang sedap and murah pun kalau dekat overseas! Pastu minum susu and cereal), too poor to be generous so my housemates and I simply cooked 1 pot beras per person so we can divide the rice in the rice cooker into four parts...Macam pie...Found out 1 pot of rice can make more than a plate of rice...Also cooked 1 chicken leg per person because...Well, it was easier that way lah kot...No wonder everybody gained weight in their first year of Uni.

Bila balik Malaysia, baru sedar diri tu dah membesar dengan jayanya...Sebab orang Malaysia memang kenit kenit...Lepas tu baru terhegeh-hegeh nak count calories...It only lasted for a month or so for me...Lepas tu I makan macam biasa, and the weight naturally went off too...Semua my friends pun sama. Pelik betul.

Apesal cerita macam dah melalut? Esok kerja. Good night.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

So, my husband works closely with a bunch of schools.

While we were on a holiday, he received a call from a headmaster of one of the schools, asking to borrow RM500. My husband said okay and asked him to wait until his return. But the headmaster needed it urgently, so my husband asked one of his staff to give it to him.

Me: Kenapa tak bank in je?
Husband: Mana boleh...Nanti orang ingat rasuah pula.
Me: Dia kan Guru Besar. Guru Besar pun tak ada duit ke?
Husband: Ala...Guru Besar sekolah rendah je...
Me: Anak ramai kot...Kesiannya...RM500 pun tak ada. Bukan tinggal dekat KL pun...
Husband: Banyak hutang kot...

2 weeks passed by. One day, my husband told me that the headmaster had already borrowed up to a couple thousands of ringgit.

Husband: Kesian dia. Dia cakap dia akan bayar balik sikit-sikit. Tapi I dah kira halal dah, kalau tak bayar balik pun tak apalah...Lagipun dia baik, tak pernah susahkan kerja I. Tapi I dah tak nak bagi hutang dah.
Me: Kenapa pula? Dia kan tengah susah, kena tolonglah!
Husband: Oh, I tak kisah dengan Guru Besar tu. I cakap pasal hutang orang lain.
Me: You bagi pinjam siapa lagi?
Husband: Adalah...Kawan I...Pinjam beribu-ribu, tak pernah bayar, pastu berlagak...
Me: You ni!!! Kawan apa jenis macam tu!


It's quite sad, don't you think? Orang berpangkat besar, kerja tetap, masih tak cukup gaji. Orang lain tu macam mana lah agaknya...
My son is not a baby anymore, but he still likes to pretend like one.

Kalau nangis, he would come to me, and I 'd give him the boobies. He would immediately calm down and enjoy the treat. Lepas tu, I'd have to tell him to let go, he would usually refuse to do so. Then, what am I to do?

I have to carry him while his mouth still attaching on my boobs! He really enjoys this, sebab selalu tersengih-sengih bila kena angkat. Then, he'd declare himself a baby. "Baby!"

He still baby talks. But it's a joy having a conversation with him. However, he doesn't call me Mommy! What a strange little boy. He calls me Keke, or Gege, I don't know, but I suspect he means Gegurl! Like, what the hell...

Me: Say Mommy!
Boy: Gege!
Me: Mommy!
Boy: Gege!

Aiyoyo...Malu tau, people must have thought that I leave him with the maid too much until he can't even call me Mommy. If they only knew how much he hates the Makcik...

I hope he grows out of it soon. I mean, how hard it is to call me Mommy! And everbody has been scolding and correcting him, but he simply doesn't want to follow, "Maaaa...Mieeeee!" "Gege!"

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Laaa...Lupa pula nak cerita...

After we came back from dinner, that night, our house was broken into!

The burglar somehow managed to unlock the padlock and carefully break the window glass. My maid's room is at the back of the house, she heard unfamiliar soft sounds.

She noticed how we usually make louder noise if we decide to come down to the kitchen in the middle of the night.

So, she screamed and the burglar tak sempat enter the house.

So scary because all of us were at home and it was only 12 midnight at that time. Berani punya pencuri. It was so obvious that our porch was full with cars indicating all of us were home!

And syukur juga sebab kebetulan my husband was with us, taking some time off work. He and my brother took charge, so we installed new grills and changed locks and all...

I can't imagine if the intruder got in, went upstairs and inside my room. I'm pregnant, with my young son...Ishhhh...So scary!!!
My son was being difficult one night. I decided to take an emergency leave as I was too sleepy to work. Besides, I don't want to burden my husband. He already took care of him the day before.

He left his work for a few days because Mother is currently not around. She's performing Umrah with my sister. We could leave my son with the maid, but we never left him more than a few hours alone with her, unsupervised. We trust the maid, we just don't have the heart to do it.

Tiba-tiba, my husband had a meeting in KL, so he brought us along and dumped us in KLCC. We didn't get to beat the traffic on our way back home though.

My husband decided to stop and perform his Asar prayer at Masjid Negara. Then, we continued to drive home.

But, he made a U turn. "Abang tertinggal barang dekat masjid," he said. It was weird because he didn't look too worried. What might have he left there? His watch? Can't be, because I know he would be speeding and so anxious about it.

"Abang tinggal apa?" I asked, kinda annoyed because I didn't want to go through the traffic again!
"Duit 50 ringgit," he said.

Hhmmm...So unlike him. He would usually just leave it and niat sedeqah.

Being the good wife that I am, hehe, I senyap je lah...

But, he made a left turn and went to Majestic Hotel instead. "Surprise! I nak bawa you makan sini lah..." he said.

Waahhh...Terus rasa terharu and blessed. I will always be grateful that I have a wonderful husband. He's always so kind to me and my family.

It was only a simple dinner, but I tak tau lah kenapa, it really made this pregnant woman happy. Actually, its not so hard to please me. Benda simple pun boleh happy...Punyalah low maintenance...


Me: Abang, kalau I ambil exam, okay tak?
Him: Haa...Ambillah...
Me: Tapi I takut...
Him: Ala...Sure pass punya!
Me: Harga exam tu 3 ribu lebih...
Him: Tak apa, Abang bayar.
Me: Yeay! Okay...Tapi kalau I fail, you jangan marah tau...
Him: Kena study lah...
Me: Tapi...Maksudnya, I tak bolehlah nak beli handbag...
Him: You nak handbag apa?

Wahahaha...So nice, my husband is willing to pay for my exam and a new handbag! Sweet betul...

If I were the husband, and he was my wife, I would've said, "Haaa...You bayarlah exam you sendiri! Buat apa nak beli bag? You belilah handbag you sendiri!" Perhaps, that's why God made me a woman. I would've been a bad husband.

But, I don't have any bags on my mind. So, actually, he's the lucky one for marrying a non shopaholic wife like me. And maybe, that's why he always offer me things, but deep down, he knows for a fact that I usually decline his offer.

Ends up, me happy just because he's thoughtful, he's happy because he doesn't have to really pay.

Smart, eh!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

My little family just spent a week away from home- a short vacation and also a trip balik kampung. That was when I realized how my son has grown so much, no longer a baby, and now a young, cheeky, playful boy. He's definitely more like a brother now.

I've been telling him that he's a big boy- to wean him off breastfeeding and diapers. He is diaper-free now, I trained him at my own pace. It took me a week, and I only did it after I came home from work. Mother and the maid weren't supportive about it, but I ignored them. Now, I've proven them wrong, my son is not too young for potty training! There are younger babies out there who can tell when they want to pee, Mother!

However, my son still wants to do number 2 in his diapers. When we put him on the toilet seat, macam terencat pulak hajat dia. Haha. Pandai pulak tu request pakai diapers so he can relieve himself. He also wears diapers at night as he drinks his milk before his bedtime.

I thought it would be difficult to re-train him back after our vacation (didn't want any accidents on the aeroplanes or when we jalan-jalan). But, he was okay about it.

My son knows how to ride his Strider bike like a pro. See, that's why he doesn't look like a baby anymore. At two years old, he's balancing on a two-wheel with feet off the ground. He also has learnt to ride his cousin's scooter board.

He likes to jump and dance to his songs. Sometimes, he pretends to be a baby and laughs about it. He also can get angry and pandai merajuk. His vocab is improving. Still doesn't make a sentence but I can have cute conversations with him. He doesn't know ABC or 123, but he knows colours. He has a pretty good memory.

I'm scared of cockroaches. I want him not be scared because he's a boy. But I don't know how to teach him that because whenever he sees me I squirmed at the sight of cockroaches, he would follow my reaction. Haha. Fail betul. Macam mana ketam nak ajar anaknya berjalan lurus...

He teases a lot too. He pretends to cabut my nose and throw it away. He pretends his bike is a motorbike, he stops to asks me to fill up petrol and sometimes, he gestures that his motorbike is rosak, so I have to become a mechanic to fix it.

My son always looks for his daddy. During our recent vacation, he chose daddy to prepare his milk, and daddy had to feed him too. I'm so glad because I got to rest and enjoy my vacation. Haha. Pandai demand tu...

My baby is almost 28 months old.
Big boy dah dia...

Monday, November 30, 2015

Today, my husband got me a bouquet of flowers which I only got to enjoy for a couple of hours. My son was ready to tear everything, and besides, I needed to be on an airplane. Couldn't bring it along because hands were full.

It was so sweet him of him nevertheless. I didn't expect it. He came home and hugged me from behind and said, "Surprise!" I am definitely a happy wife now :)

Just thought of sharing this because this blog is pretty depressing. I mean, I, myself would have thought that the writer is sad based on what I usually write...

I think I am a bit depressed lah...Considering how much I've cried for the past few months...Like I've said before, everything else is going on great, so I really don't have a solid reason to be upset. Which is so confusing and conflicting and difficult to understand what I am going through right now...Am I crazy? Ungrateful?

I even lost the motivation to work...I just want to stay at home, wake up late, not worry about the traffic, be comfortably pregnant...Or I need a career change. An entrepeneur. I want to bring a major franchise to Malaysia but I need a huge capital for that.

I want to rest and sleep.

Friday, November 20, 2015

If God grants the one thing that I want now, my life would've been perfect.

So, when i found out that I didn't get it, I even feel guilty for crying and being sad about it. It would've been really unfair for me to have everything, right?

Thank God for all other good things that have been happening all around me especially to those I love dearly.

Ceh, perasan betul I ni...Ok, bye...Time to shop!

Sunday, November 15, 2015

There's seriously something wrong with me and handbag shopping.

Wanted a bag, did a short survey (meaning I didn't take more than 2 hours to decide), contemplating whether to wait for the winter sale, learning from previous experiences- if you want it, just buy it, no need for husband's opinion, added it to my cart, proceeded to checkout, but when I was about to pay for it: poof- sold out.

Like, seriously?


And it happened so many times to me! Me! And it's not like I wanted to buy something so exclusive, so limited, so luxurious...It's just a stupid white low-key tote bag, it's not even on sale, no promotion is going on...

Why, God? Do you want me to wear another handbag? Is the bag not good enough for me? Am I not good enough for the bag? Do You think I have too many bags already that I should stop buying? (No, I am not a crazy bag person, my collection is less than 10 lahhhhh)
Tell me why.

Now, how do I deal with this frustration?

Sunday, November 8, 2015

One day, while I was bored being stuck in the traffic, crying on and off (I somehow cry a lot during this pregnancy), and had a conversation with myself in my head trying to console me, I told myself to concentrate on the positives and be grateful of all the things I have in my life.

So, I thought about all the good things in my life and I realized, the greatest blessing that I truly cherish is my family.

I was born and raised in a stable family. We didn't have dramas. Even though I was not close to Father, but he made sure I was well educated. We were never really poor (although, I realized this late. There were things we could not afford, but we were not poor at all). My parents trusted me and gave me a lot of freedom too. Luckily for them, I never really abused the opportunities.

Then, I met my husband, who has been wonderful so far. He always supports me. My husband is patient and a great dad. Sure, there are times when I'm mad at him for his silly mistakes, like talking to other people when he's on the phone with me, forgetting things I already reminded him of...Then, I'd act like a crazy woman and he'd be like, menerima je whatever I say or do to him...He always makes it up to me with food.

And I have a son whom I truly adore. I'm carrying another, I don't know the gender yet, but I don't mind if it's a boy or a girl, he/ she will be loved as much.

Then, I thought: I have an amazing family and nothing else really matters. As long as I have them, I don't mind losing the other things in my life. I am truly blessed. Biarlah orang tak suka dekat I, nak fitnah I ke...At least I can go home happy.

I am very grateful.

Other people would have different ideas about their greatest blessing in life. That's okay. Rezeki orang tak sama. But we all should be thankful.

What's your biggest blessings?

Monday, October 19, 2015

My son bit my nipple in his sleep and it made me cry.

It hurt physically, but it also opened to all the emotions I had bottled up inside of me.

I am no superwoman. For me, it is so difficult to be
- a mother
- a pregnant woman
- a part time student
- a working mom
all at the same time.

And I'm not even doing my duty as a wife since my husband is away most of the time.

What's worse is when you fail in every aspect...

I am a bad mother because my son still doesn't have a regular bedtime at 2 years old plus. I want him to sleep at 10, but he needs his milk before bed, and he only drinks his bottle when he's in Mother's lap- very specific...I can't force Mother to follow my schedule because it is her house and she already helps so much to take care of my son. So, my son and I would usually wait for Mother to come up to the room to serve milk for my son. By then, it is already past his bedtime, and he becomes high and super active! Mother would blame me for not being able to put my son to sleep, and what shall I reply to that?

There's also my 7-year-old niece who would ask my son to play with her before sleep. They sleep together because I'm teaching my son to sleep in a separate room before the baby arrives. Even though my son is already comfortable to sleep without me, but he still needs me to fall asleep, and I waste so much time waiting for him to be tired. An average of 2 hours every single day. I can't imagine how it would be when I have two kids to put to bed.

Sure, I have the maid. Although she wants to be helpful, but she's pretty useless. She cleans the house, yes, but other than that, my son refuses her, especially when I'm around. My maid gets more rest for me, oftentimes she told Mother that she's bored because there's nothing to do. She's not great with the kids, she has kids herself but she just doesn't know how to act silly with the kids. Mother said, no wonder she's able to leave her own kids behind in Indonesia...

I am trying to toilet train my son, but Mother thinks he's too young for it. In my mind, I don't want to train him with the baby later! For the past 2 days, he had only went to the toilet to pee once. Once. He had more accudents than successful attempts. I think it has not been so great because I am the only one who watches him like a hawk. He peed when I was praying, when I was eating, basically when there was nobody to watch him. And tomorrow, the training should be put on a halt because hello, I am working tomorrow...

Let's talk about being pregnant. I needed to the sugar test but it was awful. Blood was withdrawn, I drank 3/4 of the cup, then I gagged and threw up all of it. I have no other choice but to repeat the awful sugar test again!

I am also nauseated every time I take that stupid Obimin pill. I've stopped for 2 days, but then, whenever I feel tired, I am scared it's because of low blood, because the last I checked, my blood was 11.4, but I also feel like crap if I take the Obimin.

With all the things going on, I also have an upcoming exam. The truth is, how can I study when my time is so occupied. Miraculously, I did pass the paper, and for the next one, please let me pass, oh God! I have been depressed for so many times, wanting to quit oh so frequently, but I am still here, calling myself a student. Every day, I feel guilty for not studying, feel inferior because I know less...

I do have seniors and bosses who have made it. They even have twins plus 1kid and become the top scorer of the class. Perhaps, they are geniuses. One of my bosses said I should spend at least 2 hours every day to study. WTF! I don't have 2 hours and I don't even cook or clean. My 2 hours are spent on the road. Another 2 hours spent just to get my son to fall asleep. FML.

What depresses me more is when I know a lot of people my age who are already done and over with it because they stayed overseas. In my heart, I know staying abroad is not a good choice, I may get lost, y'know, I am so prone to that...But in my head, I keep comparing myself to them, because I am a natural competitor, even though I am so tired to compete already...And it's not like I stand a chance of winning...

Now, what a failure I am.

So, tonight, I cried because I feel like a failure. I can't do anything right...


At least I have a great husband and a great life lah, okay...Tu je to compensate my sadness. Hehehe...

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Today, a miracle happened in my life.
I am convinced Allah is Maha Baik,
even despite me not being a good servant to Him.
God, please forgive and syukur Alhamdulillah.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

A few days ago, I met some friends. We were talking about the good old times.

We were poor so we were always trying to save money, especially when we were travelling.

So, we were on a train in Switzerland. Confirm lah mahal kan...But I was hungry, and the menu was in French. I ended up ordering the cheapest plate. When the plate arrived, I saw 6 little pieces of cheese. No wonder it was cheaper than the rest, it was a cheese plater! And I was still hungry after eating it! So much for 15 euros!

Next, we were in Spain. After finishing our tour, we were brought to a restaurant, we knew it was going to be expensive, but all of us can't say No. So, we ordered the cheapest meal, which turned out to be aubergines with olive oil. I didn't like aubergines but I had to eat something! What an awful meal...But, I do eat aubergines now...

Another incident was at the airport. My friend needed coffee, so she went to Starbucks and ordered the cheapest drink. She was young and innocent. All she got was a very small cup of espresso! She was like, "Betulke ni?"
"You order ape?"
"Espresso memanglah kecik!"
To sweeten her espeesso, she put a lot of milk, and ended up drinking the free milk provided instead. Multiple small cups of free milk to quench her thirst.

Kelakar pulak bila fikir balik.


My niece was quarrelling with my son. We were at the dinner table.

Me: Lisa, please share the food!
Niece: No!
Me: Tak baik tau macam tu! Orang tamak selalu...???
Niece: MAKAN!!!


Me: Orang tamak selalu rugi!!!

It's a shame, I do judge people.

I judge those who drive Proton Wira and Proton Saga as slow drivers. I hate driving behind them. I hate driving behind a Toyota Hilux too. From my observation, they are generally oblivious, ignorant and too proud. Also, driving behind a heavily tinted car is such a pain. They block my view and it's difficult to guess whether I can cut them or not.

I judge other types of people too.

Like, one time, someone mentioned in Facebook that she still have not received the Zakat money meant for her children for school. It was already in the middle of the year. Okay, to me, she should not vent it out so publicly. I was already quite uncomfortable when I read her status. I mean, you ask for help, but you complaint about the helper? Hmm...

Then, a few weeks ago, I found out she is going to re-marry and she was scouting for a place for her wedding. From her status, I assume she managed to book a hall.
Eh, just a few months ago you were claiming to be an asnaf. Now, you get enough money for a dewan meh?
Okay, no judging, perhaps her future husband is rich and is willing to afford their wedding. Hmm...

Oh, since I work quite closely, but not directly, with this type of applicants...
There was this incidence when my boss was flipped to find out that some of the applicants for Zakat are still smoking.

I pun tak tahulah nak bagi respons macam mana.

And, I do judge smokers who in actual reality, could not afford it. Kalau nak rokok, tapi you kaya, I don't mind...Seriously, it's your body.

I judge those who apply for Zakat, but wear nice clothes and demand for first class service. I judge the client I had, whose one of the daughters is a pharmacist and is married to an Oil and Gas engineer, but still asked for Zakat money because, "We just got married." I judge the MAS pensioner, who initially said they can afford RM30k, but suddenly changed their minds saying they can only fork out RM10k, and when Zakat approved of RM10k (instead RM20k), the whole family was so dissatisfied about it...When our job is to inquire about cost, they became very rude, dah lah rude, lepas tu nak suruh rujuk badan kebajikan for another RM10k. Hish!

I judge those who encourage homebirths. I always find those are vocal about their ideas are not the certified experts in that fields. They always act alim but true scholars will never comment on anything outside their knowledge. A scholar of Fiqh, would even refuse to answer questions on Hadith, for example.

I judge my husband's friends who think Selangor is so lucky because the schools get cuti darurat due to haze. WTF?! You think it's fun to breath dirty air? You superficial, ungrateful, narrow minded human!

I judge hardcore pro breastfeeding moms. Kau bukannya doktor yang tahu why some people can't breastfeed, tiba-tiba nak keluar statement condemning those who don't breastfeed. Out of the line! I managed to breastfeed my son for 2 years, itu pun rasa bersyukur dan bertuah. There are many reasons why some people can't breastfeed, cuba be open minded sikit about it.

I judge people who like to share things on social media without doing a background check on the issue (except for charity cases). Some go viral when in actual fact, semua itu adalah palsu! People are vulnerable. And to those who started it, why would you create a false news in the first place?!

I judge the woman who said noone can understand if you've never given births before. Eh, what about maternal instinct? Such an insensitive statement. I remember how hurt I was, because I didn't have a child yet at that time.

I judge those who comment
- Kenapa cakap English, tak cakap Melayu
- Kenapa bagi budak pakai harness macam anjing
- my unemployed, ganja smoking cousin but pura pura alim and talk politics all the time

Yeah, I judge them and many more...I guess I am not a good person yet...

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

A reminder to myself:

Most people only share their happy stories online. So, don't get too jealous/ upset when you find yourself wondering how the hell do they have such perfect lives?!

Stay positive and stay real.

We have our ups and downs. Tak guna pun nak dwell in self pity. There are certainly so many other things to be thankful for in our lives.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

I cried every time I see the picture of the young Syrian boy on Facebook, even though I quickly scrolled the page to avoid the emotion.

Oh, little boy  T___T

Cannot tahan... :(

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

My son says:
Na for his cousin.
Wok for his grandmother.
Eek for his makcik/ bibik.
Dedi for his daddy.

But no mommy yet.


He also says:
Bop for stop
Moh for no.
Dah for sudah.
Ish for finish.

I don't know what other words can he say, but that's enough for me. Even though the progress is slow, at least he progresses. It's such a relief since I couldn't take him to see the speech therapist regularly.

Work is crazy. Or, I am the one who's going crazy. Because I have this constant thought of quitting.

Quitting sounds like a luxury, but I know, in reality, I really like to see the numbers in bank account. I don't use much money, but I like looking at the figure which gives me a sense of security, you know, in case of anything...

So, I've been proposing the idea of changing my career ro my husband, and he finally says okay. I think it is partly because I keep asking the same questions every day. The thing about my career is, I am pretty much stuck. I don't know what else I can do, especially in this current economy. I need to be innovative. I have ideas, I just don't know how to execute it. Don't have the right contacts and guidance.

If I decide to take the plunge, I don't think it will be anytime soon, unless I have a major meltdown.

Sometimes, I think, it is time to take the risks. Calculated risks, of course.

I am tired every day. From what I read, I might suffer from chronic fatigue. I don't remember when was the last time I had uninterrupted sleep, that was probably before I gave birth, or when I truly feel rested and at peace, no matter how much sleep I had, or how much relaxation I did.

I am so drained from driving every day, not having my weekends, not being able to wake up late, I always have to be contactable, phone buzzing and ringing all the time, not being able to enjoy long weekends like normal people do...

I just want to quit and do nothing for a while. Then, maybe, enroll myself to a cooking/ baking class, not being a professional, let loose and enjoy being at my own pace, instead of always running to meet all sorts of datelines and SOP, worrying why I am still studying when some of my younger colleagues have already achieved the qualifiations.

I've had it. I want to stop competing. Be happy by just being adequate. I don't want to win, I don't think I can. So, I just want to not think about work...

Man, I need therapy.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I realize I might have sounded ungrateful in my last post.

I'm sorry.

It's so hard to please everybody and it's difficult to portray what I am feeling especially when I am not an eloquent person, not a good writer either.

Still, I feel the need to clarify things, or explain myself. Just, not right now...

Because, like I said before, all I want is, for the next 6 weeks to be over so I can reclaim my energy.

Nauseous again...
I wanted 6 children.
I am carrying my second and I am already so tired and drained. I have this nauseous feeling, which I try to hold in as long as I could, because you know, vomiting doesn't taste nice and I need the nutrient to absorb into my body for the baby...But, at the same time, you know vomiting is the only way that can make you feel better. And you are scared to eat more afterwards.

I've vomited on my way to work and spilled the plastic bag while trying to park the car. FML.

I told myself, 6 weeks more to go, and it's done.
But 6 weeks feel sooo loonngg to pass by...

And Baby K is still breastfeeding...
And no husband by my side.
But, Mother is very kind and helpful.

I wish I can take a month of unpaid leave. I would if I had the option. I can't.

And again, I wish I can just be a tai tai. Wake up at whatever time I want, sleep at whatever time I want, never have to think about presentations or such, no responsibilities...Rest and rest until first trimester is over...Indahnya...

I'm feeling like shit and this is only my second pregnancy. Berangan nak anak ramai...(I told my husband we need to have more children - so we have spares if they die, OMG, why do I even think about that, I don't know - so it's easier for them to have guarantors...Who would've signed an agreement as a guarantor if not family? Ketua Kampung?

Why oh why can't I have children without feeling so hormonal like this?
Right now, all I want to do, is to stay in bed, all day long...

Friday, July 17, 2015

Boarding the plane soon. Hope noone notices my baju raya...Coz I bought it online je...Hahaha...Perhaps I should change into something more casual...Hhmmm...
I burnt my baju raya this morning.

Burnt. Hole.

Nasib baik I ni jenis yang tak dramatis and jenis tak berapa kisah.

Tapi sedihlah jugak... :(

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Kasihan tengok baby baby yang sakit, sengsara...Tak sanggup tengok sebab baby baby tu innocent and helpless. Saya selalu berharap, biarlah sakit tu saya yang tanggung, bukan anak yang seksa.

Itu baru tengok anak demam dan batuk selsema. Belum lagi kalau anak disahkan berpenyakit barah dan melarat.


Monday, July 13, 2015

I tak berapa nak paham orang Malaysia ni.

Complaint gaji sikit. Tapi bila warga asing datang Malaysia, mereka boleh pula jadi kaya raya. My friend, who owns a warehouse with 3 Bangladeshi workers, pays them about RM3000 per month each. Wow, if a foreigner can earn that much, why can't you? Of course, they don't have the education, but they do have skills. And they are not too young, but in their thirties.

I asked my friend, why are they getting paid so much? My friend said it's because they work hard. They sleep at the warehouse and they make sure they finish their jobs. Sometimes, they sleep at 3am, if the demand is high. Also, they are getting commissions if the sales are increased.

So, I rase, sesuailah untuk seseorang tu gaji tinggi, tapi kerja rajin sampai larut malam. Focus hanya kerja, sebab anak bini dekat Bangladesh. Tak ada nak mengada-ngada MC sebab demam sikit-sikit.

Can you imagine how much can they save when they even sleep at their workplace?

Orang Bangladesh, orang Indonesia, mereka pun Islam juga. Tapi mulalah nak hina orang, naik LRT busuklah...Bila orang Myanmar Rohingya, tiba-tiba terima dengan hati terbuka. Dengan alasan, mereke saudara sesama Islam. Padahal, sebelum ni, marah dengan pendatang asing sebab dapat menguasai ekonomi Malaysia. Hipokrit sungguh. Habis tu, kalau orang tu bukan Islam, tak perlu dibantukah? Di manakah dakwahnya di situ?

I was in Langkawi when the Rohingya arrived. When the hotel's driver picked us up, he told us about them. The locals don't like them. Sebab jealous lah tu...Anyway, I remember feeling guilty to enjoy the holiday, but felt better when we were told that the extra buffet food from the hotel was being donated to the Rohingya (when many condemned that we didn't do anything to help them! What do you know?)

You know, I used to be that girl. I thought I should earn more, because I invested so much when I was in school. I excelled in my exams, so why must I receive the same income as those who don't? It's only fair when I worked so hard, bersusah-susah dulu, bersenang-senang kemudian. My parents always told me I needed to study so I can have a better future.

I am an overseas graduate. I didn't feel special when I come back to Malaysia. Most local grads were sceptical, and they often want to prove to you that an overseas grad is no better than them (we are not, we don't think so, but I always felt some of the local grads have inferiority issues- Sorry, I hope I don't offend anyone when I write this...).

Because of the 'resistance' I used to get, I wonder what was so special to study abroad (unless if you stayed there and migrated there)? The only consolation I tell myself is, at least I got to travel! Haha. Oh, and membawa ilmu pulang ke Malaysia...

Anyway, I aged and am more matured now, and I realized I won't get rich if I don't get into business. Islam tells us that. Setakat makan gaji, memang tak akan kaya.

Tapi, you ingat business tu mudah ke? When you run your own business, you can't simply apply for leaves, you work even when you're home, so I guess, that's fair. Kalau nak business senang-senang tu, mungkin untung tak lama.

There's no such thing as getting rich without doing all the works okay (except when you inherit your parents' wealth, or MLM)...Even models pun kena diet, exercise and stays pretty.

I am not telling the young people that your certs mean nothing. But I am telling what I will tell my children: Belajarlah kerana ilmu. Belajar kerana itu merupakan tuntutan fardhu kifayah. Tak apalah tak kaya, asalkan jadi orang berilmu. Lebih baik jadi orang yang kaya ilmu dan kaya akhlaknya, daripada orang yang kaya harta.

Kalau I nak kaya, buat apa I sambung belajar sampai dah tua-tua ni...Baik I quit my job and you know, kerja dekat private sectors ke...Kerja dengan husband I ke...

Remember, sebaik-baik manusia, adalah orang yang bermanfaat pada orang lain.

Bahagia itu kadang-kadang bukan kerana kita kaya, tapi bahagia itu bila kita dapat membahagiakan orang lain.

Spend not what you can afford, but spend less than what you can afford. Barulah you ada saving untuk hari-hari susah...

However...Haaa...Mesti ada tetapi! Janganlah terus lupakan cita-cita untuk menjadi kaya. Kita mesti kaya, supaya ekonomi kita kukuh. Bila kita kaya, kita dapat membantu ramai orang. If we take high income countries, for example, their crime rates are automatically low, health is also improved. That's why it's important to drive the nation to be a high income country.

Dan itu semua InsyaAllah dapat dicapai dengan adanya ilmu. Lagi bahaya kalau jadi kaya tanpa ilmu, last-last hutang yang bertambah.

Tapi, orang Malaysia, pantang nampak orang kaya. Bila orang kaya, mulalah ada bisikan-bisikan, baik pergi sponsor orang susah, baik pergi Mekah 30 kali, dia senang sebab makan rasuah...

Kenapa mesti dengki dengan kejayaan orang lain? Kalau I, lagilah I bangga. Jangan senang-senang tabur fitnah. Mana you tahu tentang the charity that they do?

Trust me, I have met so many poor people, who gets bantuan kebajikan and zakat, but they are still smoking. I should've just said: Baik berhenti rokok, kumpul duit sara anak...

Actually, I have a boss who would bluntly said, "Pakcik ni umpama membakar duit yang orang bagi." Kena setepek...(Tapi kadang-kadang, Pakcik pula yang marah-marah *rolls eyes*)

So, lets recap my points:

- Belajar kerana mencintai ilmu

- Mesti ada target untuk menjadi orang yang kaya, tapi janganlah gunakan alasan tahap education untuk menjadi orang kaya. Life doesn't work that way.

- Kalau orang lain boleh buat, kenapa kita tak boleh?

- Happiness is not money.

- Perbelanjaan mestilah kurang dari pendapatan. Barulah tak berlakunya zero or negative balance!

- Janganlah dengki dengan orang yang gaji mahal. You might say, tak setimpal dengan tahap pembelajaran dia. Tapi, pada I, mestilah sangat setimpal dengan usaha beliau, dengan kerajinan beliau, dengan pengalaman beliau. You nampak je, orang tu bodoh tahap SPM, tapi you tak tahu penat lelah dia yang lain. You tu penat lelah belajar je. Dia tu mungkin lebih banyak pengorbanan yang dibuat. Kalau tak, kenapa Tuhan limpahkan rezeki pada beliau. Bukankah Tuhan itu adil?

- Tapi, ada juga yang dengki tengok CEO yang kaya. You cakap, kerja dia sign je...Bukan susah pun. You tengok doktor pakar gaji RM200k sebulan, kerja check orang 5 minit je...Korang ni nak apa sebenarnya haaa? Gaji sikit pun marah, gaji banyak pun dengki...Korang tahu ke tanggungjawab yang mereka pikul? Sanggupkah korang oncall macam doktor, kerja yang melibatkan nyawa? Tahu tak CEO tu ada banyak benda lain kena buat, bukan setakat kerja sampai pukul 5, lepas tu balik rumah pergi karaoke?

- Kalau you rasa masih dianiaya di dunia ini, yakinlah dengan hari pembalasan. Anggapkan bila Tuhan tak tunaikan doa you di dunia, sebenarnya Tuhan tu simpan supaya doa kita dimakbulkan di akhirat kelak. Bukankah itu lebih baik?

- Kalau setakat belajar tak pandai, dahlah tak pandai, malas pulak tu, sampai ke tua perangai tak berubah, jangan harap Tuhan nak memperluaskan rezeki yang berkat. (Point yang empat terakhir ni, I tak bahaskan pun dalam perbincangan di atas. But I still want to include them)
I have big dreams for my child.

Like, for example, I wanted to send him for baby swimming class but I never did, and he's no longer a baby.
I wanted to teach him flashcards but I never started because Mother doesn't like messy cards (we live in her house now) and she believes children should just play.
I want to send him to a mixed playschool because I want to be the one who teaches him surah-surah lazim (coz I am tamak pahala like that) and I want him to mix around --> next year's goal.
I want him to learn horse riding and archery and I wanted to bring him to the library on weekends.

But...This weekend, he woke up at 10am. He wanted to play outside and I let him. I pujuk him to mandi. Then, he had a shower and waterplay. I fed him lunch. Then he had his nap. After that, he rode his tricycle. It was time for dinner. Can't do much at nighttime except watched TV and let him play with his cousin. He slept.

Sooo unproductive right...



Thursday, July 9, 2015

I think I'm pregnant. I want to be pregnant. I haven't gotten my period yet. (It might still irregular at this point since it just returned last month. After sooo looonnggg...)

Anyway, I was in the shower and noticed how big my tummy is. You know what they say, your tummy become more obvious with subsequent pregnancies.

My friend found out she was pregnant because we thought she had a big tummy. She simply couldn't lose the weight after giving birth to her daughter. We kept teasing her, are you pregnant again? And it turned out to be true! Lepas tu, we put our tummy against hers so she could infect us with babies. Hahaha...

Me: Abang, I think I'm pregnant sebab perut I macam besar.
Husband: You makan banyak!

Are you telling me I'm buncit?

Hmm...How it's going to be like to have a long distance relationship when you're pregnant? My husband pampered me the last time. Can I cope?

My child...He's still not talking yet. I've brought him to see the professionals. Alhamdulillah, he passed other aspects, except verbally. I was told he's at 6 months level. Whattt?!
And we are supposed to attend intensive therapy, twice a week. What am I going to tell my boss? Missing work every week? I don't think that's possible. But if I don't, I will be deemed as a bad, selfish mother.

Can't I just send him to a playschool or sometjing to let him mingle?

The bright side is, at least I know he is protected from saying bad words, for now...I always tell myself, Baby K is a thinker, not a talker, just like his name suggests. I mean, even Einstein didn't talk until he was 4 years old...

Baby K, please talk. I know you can.

I had an inspiring client just now.
He was grateful with our service. He called me to see him, "Kenapa tak charge?"
I explained, it's the policy.

"Tapi semua orang baik dengan saya."

He wasn't good in talking in Malay, but from my understanding, he wanted to donate some money. He thought he should be charged.

"Boleh bagi nombor akaun dan nama?"

He didn't look like he's a rich man. But he genuinely wanted to help.

"Saya tak banyak duit, tapi kalau bulan bulan saya ada duit lebih, mungkin RM200 sebulan, saya boleh bagi. Bagi dekat orang miskin, yang banyak anak, anak mahu belajar."

Wahhh...Baiknya Uncle!

Then, I directed him to a proper welfare body. I hope his donation will be put to good use. May God bless you, Uncle.
There'd been a few deaths this month. The causes are being speculated by many. I am sad because I don't like death.

But, I couldn't help but envy those deaths. They were special people. The chosen ones. A friend told me, "He must did something really good to die on a Friday morning. He's so lucky to have so many people praying for him. The mosque will be full with jemaah for Friday prayer. It's really not easy to have that many people praying for you, don't you think?"

I never thought about it that way...

Anyway, I pray that their close family members will remain strong. Those young people...Leaving small children behind, who went before their parents did, whose husband watched her dying...Please stay strong.


How do you differentiate whether this is a test, or whether this is a punishment by God?
If it was a test, it will make you closer to God. If it was not, it will make you forget God.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015


I've been talking about the Mischa Mini Bucket bag for quite some time now. How I wanted it for weeks, specifically in Champagne colour. How suddenly Vivy made it popular (and I was like, stop advertising the bag! It's for me...!) . How it went sold out. How the official website ( restocked the colour I wanted. And how it went sold out again in just a few days! And how I accepted the fact, it's not my rezeki to own it.

But, God has fated for me...To buy the design in Lily, which is the yellow and fuschia colours. I think it is my next best option, since I don't have a yellow bag.

And the best part is...

*Drum rolls*

I bought it at 30% off! Woot woot!

Mischa official website is having a 3 day summer sale! (OMG, it's summer already?!)

RM491.11 is such a steal! Haha...Look who's laughing now!
Initially, I wanted to include the monogram service, since it's also on sale, but that means having to add RM50, so I passed the idea (I know, I'm so kiasu, couldn't help it).

At last, a happy ending to my bag hunt.
My patience paid about RM200 off. Hahaha...

Now, waiting for the parcel to arrive. I hope the Champagne colour will never be back in stock, because I would definitely want to buy that one instead. Can't have two colours in the same design...Or, can I?

Can't believe it took me weeks to spend RM500. Macamlah handbag idaman kalbu sangat! Mesti husband I gelakkan nanti. He doesn't know yet.

Anyway, selamat berpuasa!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Remember that bag I wanted? Last weekend, it was back on the official website. Decided to ask FV if I can order through FV instead.

Today, poof, gone again...

Why have I not learnt my lesson yet? Kalau dah suka, terus beli!!! Paham tak Ectopy?!!!

Bukan rezeki I lah tu...*Cries again*

Anyway...Work has not been better. I am still on a war with this certain colleague. I thought, I already let it go. But just now, another colleague of mine came and reported her comments about me. She said I was lazy.

First, she accused me of being insincere. Now, lazy?

Okay, I need to remind myself not to take it too seriously. Because, as long as I didn't witness what she actually said, this all could still be a rumour/ miscommunication. So, why crowd my mind with it?

Secondly, I hope there 's a hikmah behind all this. Like, perhaps, Allah will answer all my prayers. Let me make my prayers as my weapon.

My next strategy is to avoid all direct contact with her. Not that I'm scared, berani kerana benar, but I don't want to make things worse. Biarlah Tuhan yang tunjuk, I'm in no position to prove her wrong.

And, I hope people would stop telling me what she thinks of me. Everytime I started to forget about her and enjoy my work again, somebody would come and tell me news that would spoil my mood. So, I want to forget and don't want to know. In this case, ignorance is definitely bliss!


Tadi, I baca a Malaysian gossip blog. The visitors are bitching about this actress. I think it's unrealistic when we expect public figures to be friendly, happy and ready all the time! Like, hello, you yourself wouldn't be friendly, happy and ready for a photo session with your fans all the time too!

Susah jadi orang famous ni.
Buat baik pun, ada je yang tak kena...

Lepas tu, every single photo nak kena komen. I pun ada juga gambar dengan anjing. Ada juga gambar dengan non Muslims who are holding alcohol. Ada juga gambar dalam church.

To me, shouldn't be an issue. Tapi, bila celebrities yang buat, mulalah ada komen komen yang dot dot dot. Like, seriously?

Like that gymnast lah. Kesian dia...

To me, the best way to preach is by showing good examples. Setakat nak komen-komen ni, please lah, sometimes you yang nampak bodoh.

When you show good examples, orang sendiri yang tertarik dengan you. You tak payah susah susah nak berdebat.

I've never told anyone how I decided to wear tudung. I think my previous boss played a big part of it, I wish to tell him how I respect him and look up to him so much, that he really did leave a mark in my heart.

See? My boss is a guy, dia tak pakai tudung and dia tak pernah sekali pun komen about my appearance. He never indirectly or sarcastically tried to judge me or change me. He just did his work, talked about his experiences and taught me.

But I sendiri yang malu. And after my confinement, I came to work with a headscarf. He just smiled at me. Nothing more or less.

I don't know about you, but that's the kind of people I want to idolize.

Until now, whenever I thought about my hijrah, I thought about my boss. I selalu rasa he should know what he did to me, tapi I malulah...Haha.

Dulu-dulu, I selalu rasa pakai tudung ni won't define your heart. Sebab I selalu encounter orang yang I tak respect tapi pakai tudung. But my ex-boss managed to change my perception, even without him even knowing.

Dan itulah dakwah yang terbaik.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

I am in the middle of a conflict.

It's good that I am not taking sides and I get to listen to both parties. It really opens up my eyes as there are many ways to view a matter. I can understand the frustrations of both A and B, and truthfully, it's really nobody's fault and everybody's fault.

Anyway, I, myself become a victim of rumours.

There's nobody to blame, except for the people who choose to believe the rumour.

It hurts so much because
- it's not true, duh...
- my work goes unappreciated
- people end up hating me for no reason
- I am not even given the chance to explain things or defend myself or convey my side of the story

I cried because people even question my sincerity of doing my work, when in fact, ikhlas tak ikhlas tu adalah between me and God.
Sometimes, sometimes...I lose respect to orang konon-konon alim, pakai tudung labuh, sebab mulut mulut yang celupar. In my case, bukan mulut, tapi type dekat Whatsapp secara celupar. Lagi bahaya, sebab ada evidence.

Mentang-mentang I ni tak cantik, muka pun ala-ala tak suci, tak ada cahaya terpancar, senang-senang je nak lempar fitnah dan menuduh I melulu. Sampai a colleague of mine warns me that I am being targeted. Sedih sangat.

Sometimes, I question why God tests me in such way. Tapi macam kelakar pula, I ni, baru kena jentik sikit, dah nak mogok and quit my work. Lemahnya...

Whenever I feel upset because I need to work and leave my family, I think about my maid.

Maid I, anak-anak dia kecil lagi. Beza setahun dua je dengan anak I. Tapi, sebab nak mencari rezeki punya pasal, dia tinggalkan anak-anak dia. Handphone pun tak ada, nak bercakap ke, nak Whatsapp ke, nak tengok gambar ke...

If she's good to my family, I hope I can help her family too, InsyaAllah.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I was so overwhelmed by work, I was thinking about quitting.

"I rasa nak quit lah! Sokong ke tak?"

Friend 1:
No no no no noooo!!! Never give up!
"Tapi I penat. I nak kerja office."
Office boring! Kenapa dengan you ni?

Friend 2:
Well, kalau ikutkan hati, aku sokong. Tapi kalau fikirkan masa depan kau, I can't answer that.
"I penat!"
Aku faham. Aku sangat kagum dengan perempuan, especially ibu-ibu yang buat ni. Sangat hebat.
"Or perhaps, I should take unpaid leave."
Kenapa ni?
"On the other hand, I shouldn't hate my job so much kan? Kesian orang-orang MAS yang kena laid off tu."

You janganlah quit. Rugi. You belajar mahal mahal. Kena teruskan tolong orang.


Then, I encountered some clients who are way more unfortunate than me. But there I was, whining about my life.

My life is pretty awesome actually.

I have a stable job and income.
I have a loving husband.
I have a son who is able to cheer me up.
Mother is healthy.
My previous maid lasted for a year,and this new one seems like a nice person too.
And even though my husband is far, I have reliable people around me to take care of my family. And I'm so glad that my husband is able to travel to visit us whenever he feels like it.



It was my birthday weekend!

Initially, my husband was thinking of buying me a watch that matches his.

But I want an Omega watch instead. Haha. So, my smart husband has learnt his lesson, why buy me something I don't really like? So, no watch for me... :( Boohoo...

No handbag. No jewellery. No shoes. No tablet.

You nak apa?

I wasn't craving for anything in particular. In the end, I told him to buy some Patchi chocolates. And we had dinner at a fancy restaurant.

It felt great nonetheless!

Gonna do some online shopping for a treat to myself. Bucket bag warna apa nak beli ni...!!! Definitely, not red, not black, but other colours are too vibrant for me! My old self would've rocked it, no problem, but my current mature me is more demure...Ecececeh...Haha!

I've decided to become more ladylike and demure after I find that I have many baju kurung, jubah, dresses that I rarely wear. It's time to wear them, even to a casual occasions. Besides, I kan nak jadi a better Muslim, so baju longgar longgar ni memang sesuai. It's time to buck up. Nak masuk syurga...

Sunday, May 24, 2015

I wanted this for the past 6 weeks.

I held myself from buying because
- there were more important things to do at that time
- I had two brand new handbags that I hardly use

After I was done with the important thing, I went for a holiday. So, couldn't shop. Besides, my rationale told me not to waste money because I've just spent for a holiday.

Then, the owner of FashionValet posted a picture of this bag in a different colour on Instagram.
I was like, "Ohhh, awesome taste!"

I just needed to get this. I had received the ultimate hint. It was meant to be mine...
First of all, it's really hard to find a bucket bag that I like and I don't have a bag in this design!
Secondly, it's white. Everybody needs a white bag.
Third, it's kinda cheap. The last time I fell in love with something similar, it cost like, RM14k, and that was way back when I was still a university student.

Then, 2 days ago, it was no longer on FashionValet. I panicked. Went to the official website, and it's sold out. SOLD OUT!

I was like, so sad and disappointed and and and, I just couldn't get my mind off it lah okay...I've been thinking about it for 6 weeks and suddenly, it's gone....Like, forever gone....

Whined about it to my husband for 2 days already...

Me: Abang, bag yang I nak tu dah sold out! (Siap tunjuk website to prove it)
Husband: Hahahaha...Tu lah, hari tu I suruh you beli je, you tak nak...
Me: Dah lah cantik...And murah...
Husband: Sebab dia murahlah tu habis cepat!
Me: :(((((((((((
Husband: Lain kali, jadi macam I. Kalau dah suka, tak payah fikir panjang. Beli je...
Me: T_______T

Perhaps, I should just buy it in another colour. What do you think?

Excuse me, I nak berkabung...
Being careful with my spending pun, akhirnya, I yang kecewa...


Friday, May 8, 2015

Actually, I ada tulis banyak. Semua dalam drafts. Tak publish sebab, they are incomplete. You know why? Because I wanted to write so many things, that towards the end, I became sleepy while writing them.

At this age, I've learned not to stay up late unnecessarily. Once, you're sleepy, just go to sleep! Don't fight it, or you'll end up regretting the decision. Last-last sendiri yang stress sebab tak dapat tidur.

My sleep is so precious!

Have you heard of 4 7 8 breathing exercise? It's amazing! It sure helps me to go to my slumber when I find it difficult. Just google or youtube it, okay. Make sure you recite your doa before you shut your eyes.

Well, I can't say I have a terrific sleep quality as what the many testimonials say about the breathing exercise. I kan tidur dengan anak. Pastu anak I tu light sleeper. Which means, I've never had a proper uninterrupted sleep in a long, long time, as long as the abscence of my period! Haha! Yup, I masih belum period, yeay!

Speaking of periods, talked with my bosses, and they were saying about how vague symptoms can mean you are pregnant. You are not feeling yourself? Check your urine! You are not feeling well but can't exactly pinpoint what? Check your urine! You have mysterious headches, fever, cough? Check your urine!

Of late, I've been depressed. I mean, I know exactly what makes me so unmotivated, but I usually handle it well, lasting for 1 week, at most...Then, I think I gain a bit of weight, but that's probably I am no longer actively breastfeeding...Perhaps I should check in case I'm pregnant? Haha, besar harapan! Desperate nak anak lagi!

Anyway...Deviating from the topic, why ah I always get distracted in my prayers? Short term memory ke apa? Sometimes, can't be certain of what rakaat I am in. Like, what the hell! Tak sampai 5 minit kot!
So, betullah setan ni suka mengacau! Confirm!

If an atheist don't believe in God and benda-benda ghaib, we should ask them to perform solat. Mesti diorang rasa why ah, I can't remember, why am I unsure of what I just did. So weirddd...

Friday, May 1, 2015

I enjoyed my time in Nepal. It was my last trip with my friends before I got pregnant and soon afterwards, my two friends got married.

I went there unprepared. I never hit the gym, and the only exercise I did was the walking/ jogging I did was during work, and I tried to use the stairs as much as I can.

We arrived in the dusty city, which felt like I was transported back to 1970s. Well, I never really experienced the 70s, but it felt like it, like I was one of the extras in the classic movies.

We rode the bus, cruising along the narrowest roads, saw the deepest valleys, breathed the freshest air. We jungle trekked and climbed the mountain (I whined under my breath all the time). We drank water from the river (seriously, we survived on water purifying tablets- double the recommended dose, just in case).

The locals are mostly nice and friendly. We met someone who was not very fond of us Malaysians, probably because of the ill treatment he received when he visited Malaysia and Singapore. Most of them have relatives working in Malaysia. You know, he might be that waiter who serve you at Oldtown Kopitiam...

Their stories are sad and poor. Children, being children, got excited to see tourists, with English better than most Malaysian children (and they don't even go to proper schools!), they asked for simple things like chocolates and sweets. We sacrificed our energy bars to them. They even appreciated the little boxes of raisins!

It is a beautiful country. Poor, but beautiful. A part of us wanted Nepal to remain untouched, so we can enjoy the nature for years to come. But the people need progress. They have to catch up years of developments.

I returned to Malaysia with a better attitude towards the foreigners, now that I know how difficult their lives are. They come for a better future, and better is what I want to give to/ share with them.

Nepal is in a very unfortunate state currently. Tak kesahlah walaupun bukan negara Islam, tapi I really feel for her. It's like, sudah jatuh, ditimpa tangga.

To those who share the video of them killing the buffalos, well, please have some hearts. Tak payah nak kait-kaitkan benda tu dengan musibah sekarang. How insensitive! That's like, saying Kelantan deserved to be flooded for God knows why.

Stay strong, Nepalis. I wish I could do more to help...

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I met an asnaf.
He has two wives and 17 children.
I was so upset. Like, "Dahlah kau tu tak ada duit! Lepas tu kahwin dua, pastu anak ramai, pastu pandai pula kau minta zakat! Kalau dah tak mampu tu, buatlah cara tak mampu!"

I whined to my colleague. "Inilah lelaki!"
"Wait, wait...Bukan nak defend dia, tapi dia kaya masa dia kahwin dua tu."
"Oh, okay. Kalau macam tu, I tak sakit hati sangat. Hehehe..."

According to this man, I don't know how true it is, he used to own a chain of restaurants. Then, he fell ill and he was told that he only had a few months to live. So, he sold all his property, I assume, to pay all his debts, and now, he's left with nothing.

Ehem, kalau dah banyak hutang tu, tak kaya lah tu kan...Benci betul dengan orang yang mengaku kaya tapi sebenarnya banyak hutang ni.

"Habis tu, kenapa dia buat business balik? Dah 3 tahun, tak mati lagi," I asked my colleague.
"I asked him the same thing. Dia cakap, lepas ni dia nak buka restoran balik."

Ala, you guys pun tahu kan imagination I ni macam mana.
I started to think maybe he was not a good husband, lepas tu diuji Tuhan, lepas tu dia insaf.
Seriously, my mind can make drama...

Anyway, below is such a good article. I agree 100 percent! I highly encourage you guys to read it. :)
I am still emotionally unstable, but I am better now.
My son is asleep and I decided to browse the Internet like I used too. You know, wasting time...

Anyway...So, there's this guy who people might perceive him as an all-rounder. He has a good career, earn a good income, manages to do side business, looks like he has a decent family and he even has time to explore his artsy side.

I worked with him before he quit and pursued better things in life.

If you ever worked with him before...Phew...What a horrible character. He never did things directly to me (I joined shortly just before he resigned), but my staff hated him so much.

They were all invited to his farewell party.
I saw the invitation card. But none of them went.

"Kenapa korang tak pergi makan-makan?" I asked.
"Kitorang tak hingin...Lagi suka dia berhenti kerja. Cepat-cepatlah keluar dari sini!"
"Apa yang dia buat sampai korang tak suka sangat dekat dia?"

All of them sat around me and told me
- Dia pernah baling barang dekat kita, Miss...Barang tu dah lah kotor, melekit-lekit...
- Dia suka maki kitorang, Miss...Macam-macam dia kata...Tau lah dia tu boss, kitorang ni staff biasa je...Tapi kita ni manusia juga...
- Basically, they told me that he's such an egoistic, arrogant person.

I have a confession.
Whenever I see terrible attitudes, I always wonder how can that person be married. Like, how can someone fall in love with a person like that! And, I always imagined, the spouse must be equally bad...That's why they belong together. Or, I would sympathize the spouse because he/ she is so unfortunate to end up with someone like that. Hehehe...Me and my imagination!

The reason I am writing is...
I found his blog. If I was a stranger, I would totally envy his success.

But, I know his story and I wouldn't glorify someone with that kind of attitude, no matter how successful he is.

Which makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't compare myself with other people. I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Nobody is perfect. Being me is okay too, with flaws and all...I'm not as successful, but at least I have better relationship with my staff.

This is a dark secret.
It's bad...
For me to find faults in other people to make myself feel better.
I am no saint because I've got a hint of happiness when I find out someone is less than perfect.
Like, 'I win! You are no better than me...'
My heart is not pure for feeling like this.
Ustadz would say saya ni busuk hati sikit.
That's the truth, and that's how I am feeling right now, that's my Postsecret and I am not proud of it.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

My niece was using my laptop to watch cooking shows lah, Pocoyo lah, Upin dan Ipin lah, when suddenly she asked me, "Auntie Ectopy, semua orang tua akan mati ke?" and I said, "Yes." Then, she asked me, "Like Tok *****?"

Father. It's so nice that everybody in this family, adults and the kids, still remember Father. He had left us for about 4 years now...Which means, my two nieces were 3 years old when he passed away.

Even my son, who has never met Father, and who has not talked yet (oh, my!!!), would sometimes grunts at his pictures, which are hanging along the stairs. And I would say, "Yes...That's Tok *****."

Yesterday, we went to visit my aunt and uncle. My uncle commented that my son looks like his grandfather. I agree. My husband agrees. When my son was born, he didn't look so much like neither me nor my husband. When we studied his face, we came to a conclusion that he looks like Father. Even the way my son walks sometimes, resembles how Father walked.

I'm so bad. I rarely visit Father's grave. I hope by remembering him in my prayers would be enough. Sometimes, when I'm mad at my brothers, I remind myself that at least they go to Father's grave more often than I do.

People might think my eldest brother is such a lazy bum. I mean, he's smart, but he's so lazy...Tapi, dia yang paling rajin pergi kubur and he keeps Father's grave neat.

His kids are regulars too. Sometimes, when two of my nieces meet, their conversation goes like, "Dah lama tak pergi kubur Tok *****." The other would say, "Ha ah lah...Dah lama dah tak pergi. Papa! Kenapa kita dah lama tak pergi kubur Tok *****? Nanti kita cuti, kita pergi tau!"


I wrote a post about the miracle I experienced...

Here's another miracle story... :)

Friday, April 24, 2015

I want to do something that can cheer me up.

Tried to do online shopping. Too many choose from. I ended being too lazy to browse them all.
Tried to book for a holiday for the long weekend. But seems like many places are all booked.
Tried to read. But some of the short stories/ articles are so sad.
Maybe I should get a new phone since my current's screen is cracked, abused by Baby K. My phone is only one year old! Sheesh...
Or, get a new jewellery, but my husband just surprised me with a necklace two weeks ago.

I searched online on how to be happy. In one of the articles, it mentioned that money helps. But only temporary. So, yeah, whatever I wanted to try above, actually won't make me happy, but will definitely temporarily cheer me up. I'll do whatever I can lah, okay, temporary pun okay what...

What do you do to cheer yourself up?

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Work is not too busy currently. But, I am overwhelmed with personal issues and...Well, work.
As I wrote earlier, I had a bad 2 weeks, been dreaming about work, clients and other stuff I don't want to think about when I am sleeping ie: resting. I have headaches so often...

Anyway, last night, I dreamt I was back at the place where I completed my tertiary education. I was shopping, meeting my old friends and it was a great dream!

I went to work as usual. In between, I texted my husband about my dream. Then, I told him that we should go for a holiday. Or for a karaoke at least. I haven't screamed in a very long time. Maybe it would help. He didn't reply.

At about 4.30pm, I decided to perform Asar before heading home. I was all alone and suddenly, I cried. Just a little. I don't know lah. I thought about my past sins and everything.

After I finished my doa, I grabbed my phone. My husband had sent me a reply, telling me he's at the house waiting for me to come home. Surprise!

Alhamdulillah! My mood turned 360 degrees. I instantly became happy! Thank you, God, for still loving me, and thank you God, for this surprise gift.

It was indeed a miracle. Within 5 minutes, I was all smiles, recovering from my tears.

Allah is here, looking after me afterall...I feel so loved...

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Damn, sometimes I feel like I just want to quit this rat race. I just want to chill, and focus on something else, something new.

I talk to myself a lot, not out loud, but in my head. It makes my head hurt. Sometimes, all I want to do is to fall asleep so I can get some rest and think about other things, but I wake up tired because I've been dreaming the stuff I want to avoid in the first place!

So annoying.

I wish I can tell my husband more about what's going on in my mind/ life. I'm sure he will be wonderful about it, but I prefer to keep quiet. I have this fear that his replies won't satisfy me. Or, he won't understand and I'd end up explaining more to him about my situation than me expressing myself --> it'll defeat the purpose of telling him in the first place.

I just want a peaceful mind. Like, please, voices in head, just shut up and stop thinking too much.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

My friend, a teacher, shared his experience with one particular pupil.
This boy asked him when "hari masuk gaji" because he was waiting for the day so that his father can give him some pocket money.
A few days later, he got the chance to talk to this pupil and found out the family was kicked out from their rented house (because his father lost his job) and had been living in a budget inn.

I'm proud that he is such a dedicated, concerned teacher, I wish my son would have wonderful teachers like this when he grows up.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Will be sitting for an exam very, very soon but I was at Midvalley Megamall to shop for a watch. Because I am sitting for an exam, I need a watch.

Coincidently, there was a property expo going on. I was all alone and decided to be the adult that I am, to survey the market. Since I came without an expectation, without a target and no budget in my mind, I was quite happy to browse...

"Ooh, how much for this house?"
"4.7 million..."
"Hhmmm...4 storeys...Got lift ah?"
"Of course...You want to register? Register lah..."
"My husband is not around now...Nanti I call dia okay..."
"Come, come, gimme your contact number. Kerja apa?"

So, yeah, I got to pretend like I was a rich person. It was fun. RM 4.7 millions, you said? Very good price horrr...

Sunday, March 29, 2015

My niece has a lot of questions I can't answer. For example

- While breastfeeding Baby K, "Macam mana susu keluar? Tina tak nampak pun lubang dekat tetek Auntie Ectopy..."

- While watching Ellen, "Dia boy ke girl?"

- While dressing Baby K, "Kenapa Baby K warna macam tu?" "Sebab Baby K punya kulit sama macam Uncle Ectopy" "Tapi Uncle Ectopy lagi hitam!"

Niece: Comellah Baby K ni. Tapi masa dekat hospital (when Baby K was born), Tina malu nak tengok dia...Dia kecil je masa tu. Auntie Ectopy, macam mana Baby K keluar dari perut?

Me: Kan Auntie dah selalu cerita masa bedtime story...Baby K liked to kick me. One day, he kicked me too hard, so he came out from my tummy.

Niece: Ye lah. Tapi dekat mana?

Me: Dekat sini lah (points to my stomach)

Niece: Ye ke...Perut Auntie tak ada bekas jahit pun!

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Heard the doorbell rang, so went to check and someone claimed, "Minta derma untuk sekolah Tahfiz..."

Took a few ringgit and brought Baby K to the gate.

Saw that girl wearing a nose ring.
And she didn't even offer a receipt (they usually do, right?)

I mean, katakanlah, kau dulu sesat, and now you are raising money for a sekolah Tahfiz, shouldn't you at least take off your nose ring?

Felt cheated.

Reminds me of the time when I was at a petrol station.

Paid RM50 and the attendant helped to fill up the tank. When he indicated that he was done, I peeked and saw it stopped at RM45 plus. Got out from the car,

Me: Saya bayar RM50 lah tadi.
Attendent: Saya tak tahu.
Me: Try lagi sekali.
Attendant: Mungkin dia tendang balik sebab minyak dah full.
Me: Mana ada full!
Attendant: Boleh minta balik duit lebih dari dalam.

Went inside and given RM5. Without me even explaining the situation to the cashier. Datang counter terus dapat duit, as if trying to shut me up.

Started the engine and realized there were 2 empty bars. (Kepala otak kau bagi aku teori minyak tendang sebab tank dah full)

So angry!

I suspect the attendant and the cashier purposely plot to cheat the customers. Those who don't know notice would've probably drove away without detecting anything wrong.

RM5 per car. If there were 10 cars that hour? If they were 50 cars that day?

So, please, always check the meters.


Sunday, March 15, 2015

This is why I don't allow myself to own too many social media platforms.

I just stalked some people on Instagram and they were talking about designer clothes, individually tailored for you, big names that would cost you thousands of ringgit.

Then I felt bad for myself because I never had the chance. Or, maybe, I am just too calculative and careful to let myself have a chance. Sigh.


This sick thought began to drag my mind to blame my husband- kesian dia, mangsa yang tak bersalah langsung. I thought, if he could buy expensive jeans, why can't I?

(For the record, he is a good husband and he does offer to buy me expensive things, stupid me always decline his offers)

I quickly slapped my mind back to reality. I am not like them. I am not one of them. Sila sedar diri!



Somebody thought my husband is a millionaire.

Then, that person wondered why my husband can't be as generous as that person expects a millionaire would be.

Well, the most logical explanation to that is: Because my husband is not a millionaire. Not yet.

Bodohlah. Millionaire apa ke bendanya kalau kereta pun tak beli cash...Banyak loan lagi tak habis bayar tau!

I started to dig around to find out why that person has a fixed perception toward my husband.

Turns out, somebody in our family has been telling that person that my husband is quite successful and has been purchasing this and that. That family member was telling in a I-am-so-proud-of-you-I-want-you-to-know kind a manner.

I have mixed feeling towards this rumour.

At first, I find it funny. Like, what the hell! If we were rich, I would've lived in a nice, big, house, wearing nothing under RM 50, and driving a sports car.

After I found out the root of that person idea, I was quite disturbed. That person doesn't know how significant is my role towards my husband's success.

That person and that family member are under the impression that my husband made it all by himself. They don't know the sacrifices I made for him. They think my husband has been supporting me. What about, me supporting my husband?

Don't I look like someone who contributes too? Apa dia ingat, I simply kerja and don't give a damn about my husband's business? They think it's easy for my husband? What kind of business if you didn't experience naik turun adat resam orang ber business. And, and, and, when my husband was at his low point, who do you think he turn to for help? I even stayed up at night and filled numerous forms for him.

I really think my husband owes me big time. And if he ever hurt our marriage, I'll make sure he nicely gets what he deserves. Haha. Sampai ke situ pulak.

Emo gila I malam ni...

Ini bukannya nak mengungkit. But I am offended.

It's definitely not my husband's fault. Takkanlah my husband nak cakap, "Isteri saya banyak menolong bla bla bla," or maybe...He should start now! Heee...

In his defense, my husband has helped me tremendously too. Siapa yang selalu doakan untuk kerjaya I? Siapa yang offer nak buat solat hajat untuk I? Siapa yang selalu bagi semangat pada I? Who has always believed in my ability? Who has always fetched me to and fro my workplace when I just didn't have the mood to get there myself? Who has always entertained my cravings and gave me lots of my favourite chocolates? Syukur sangat.

The point is...
In marriage, you help each other.

Let this be a lesson.

When you compliment a person, don't forget the partner. Do not offend the partner. Even if the wife is a housewife, don't you dare thinking that the wife did nothing to contribute to his success.

And men should always mention the wife in their 'Oscar acceptance' speech. And make their wives feel appreciated. Do not forget.

Last but not least, dear husband, I hope you will become a true millionaire one day.
To that person, thank you, hopefully the things that are spoken in the rumour will be taken as a doa for our family. Amiin.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

My lecturer was talking about pain.

"Studying for this is painful. You whine every day, wanting to die every day, complaint every single time, but yet, you still die die want to finish this off. Why? Why put yourself through something so difficult and painful? You know it's hard, you know you don't like it, but you still do it! Whose fault is that?"

I was silent.

"Because you want the satisfaction. Because it's your ambition. Because at the end of the day, completing this course means something so much to you, that you are willing to go through the hardships, because perhaps you think it's worth it."

Then, I question myself. Really? Does becoming an expert in a field means so much to me?

One of the major reasons I continue my study is because I'm a type A kind of person, and I can't be left behind in this rat race, especially when I compare myself to other people, it drives me nut. If they can do it, why can't I?

Never thought how it would make my life more meaningful. Heh.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

My son, he's going to be 19 months old this coming Friday.
He missed his appointment for his jab at 18 months because he had fever.

Anyway, since my husband is around, I asked my husband to bring him instead.
My husband hates the needle. He couldn't stand seeing blood.
He didn't even accompany me in the labour room!
And all this while, I was the one who held my son down when he received his injections.
My husband? He felt too kasihan for my son, he couldn't even bear to be in the same room.

According to my husband, my son screamed and cried...4 people needed to hold him down...
Then, he salam-ed all the nurses after the ordeal.


What I like about my local government clinic is, the nurses remember us.
- the same nurse who did the home visit after I delivered the baby
- the same nurse who greeted us at the clinic when they thought my baby had jaundice (he didn't)
- then I returned to my husband's hometown and had regular follow ups there
- but once I am back to Mother's place to further my study, I transferred all my baby's record to the local clinic, and again, we saw the same nurse.
I remember she said, "Eh, dah setahun ke?" Ya, dah setahun. And I'm so surprised she actually remembers us.
- and recently, still the same ever so friendly nurse

Anyway, since she knows us (not personally though), she was a bit concerned that my son hasn't said a word. Yet.

My husband called me and passed the phone to her

Nurse: Miss Ectopy, anak Miss ni tak pandai cakap lagi ke?
Me: Ha ah...Dia tak pandai cakap lagi...Tapi dia paham, tunjuk telinga, tunjuk hidung, tunjuk mata...
Nurse: Mama ke? Nenek ke? Air ke?
Me: Tak lagi...
Nurse: Sebab kalau ikut betul-betul, saya patutnya kena refer doktor ni...Budak umur macam ni kena cakap 3 perkataan.
Me: Errr...Dia ada cakap "Bye bye" --> I lied.
Nurse: Mama?
Me: Tak ada lagi...Tapi dia ada cakap "Nana". Nana tu cousin dia. --> I don't think he meant it when he said na na na na na na.
Nurse: Lain? Hai ke? Hello ke?
Me: Dia lambat sikit...
Nurse: Jadi, macam mana Miss?
Me: Bagi masa sebulan dua boleh tak?
Nurse: Tak apa?
Me: Kalau tak boleh juga, kita refer doktor.
Nurse: Okay, Miss...

So, that's how I dodged the referral to the doctor for his delayed speech.

Actually, I don't mind being referred to the doctor lah...It's just that I prefer if I was there when the doctor assesses him.

So, lepas ni kena buat intensive course untuk anak I ni...

Friday, February 27, 2015

Jumpa sepasang couple. Ada anak perempuan seorang.

Malangnya, anak yang berumur 13 tahun itu diserang penyakit. Sekarang terlantar macam sayur. Hari-hari ibu bapa budak itu menjaga dia. Masih sayang macam menatang minyak yang penuh.

Bila saya tengok, hati saya jadi sayu.

Saya tak dapat bayangkan perasaan ibu bapa budak itu, sewaktu mereka mengusap kepalanya, mesti mereka terkenang saat-saat anak mereka sedang sihat, ketawa dan gembira.

Anak yang dilahirkan sihat, tapi sekarang, dah dekat 4 bulan tak dapat memberikan eye contact.

Kalau terjadi pada saya? Kuatkah saya?


As much as I want to remain neutral in this blog, there's one thing I can't refrain myself from: announcing that I am pro vaccination.

It just saddens me to see the rising number of parents who refuse vaccination, especially when they claim it's a big conspiracy from Jews. Ironically, they also fitnah the doctors that vaccinations are given simply for the doctors' profits.

No, there's no hidden agenda other than we all want all of us to be healthy. As I drove from work this evening, I tuned in and the Ustadz was talking about 'buruk sangka'. Janganlah berburuk sangka, nanti Syaitan baja perasaan tu.

Anyway, be careful of what you wish for.

I have a 'friend' (we went to school together) and she is so against vaccination- I can tell from her Facebook status.

She recently gave birth and the baby is still being admitted. I don't know what's the problem, but the baby is pretty ill.

It got me thinking. You can't give vaccination to the ill patients. Herd immunity is to protect the people who fall under this category.
Her baby is currently sick and I'm sure, is not eligible to receive vaccinations, yet.

This is what she had wished for. She didn't wish for her child to fall sick, but she did wish that her children go unvaccinated (she wouldn't allow- haram katanya, nak ikut makanan Sunnah semata).

Never in my heart to intend or think that the situation shall serve her right, but I guess, in the end, she really got what she wish for. Her child might never receive any vaccinations, because he just can't.

And I hope we all believe in Hikmah.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

After my son purposely threw my breastpump on the floor and laughed about it, it stopped to function properly.

I asked my husband to look for the convertible manual kit, but he couldn't find it at our previous home.

And that's how my breastfeeding journey ended...

Actually, the more accurate term is, bye bye pumping days. I still have a month's stock left in the fridge.

18 months.

My son is a big boy now. But still sleeps while suckling -__-

Still haven't said a word.
Not trying to be a kiasu mom but I read it's important for babies to communicate well or they'll end up frustrated (because they are not understood).

I hope my child is happy because I always understand him. Magic betul how I can figure out from the grunts and points and cries.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

I need to do some work but right now, I decided to have a little break.

And...Think about the weird dreams I had last night.

First dream:
Well, I dreamt that my husband had two wives! I am his first wife. Somehow, in that dream, my relationship with the second wife was quite good. I knew her and we were having a conversation like normal 'madu' (???!!!)
Suddenly, my husband entered the picture. He started to talk to the second wife. I don't remember what he did, but he did something that made me sad out of a sudden. And jealous at the same time, but more sad than jealous.
Then, I started to tell him how unfair he was to me. I told him that he always prioritized the second wife. "And that's why he's not supposed to marry the second wife because I knew he wouldn't be able to be fair to both of us."

Weird eh?
Adakah ini satu petunjuk?
A wife's instinct?

Second dream:
Okay, the second dream is quite scary. This is not the first time I dreamt about Hari Kiamat. I think Allah loves me because He keeps reminding about Hari Kiamat to me. But I am still not a good Muslim! Teruk kan I ni...Bilalah nak sedar...I want to be a good Muslim, I really do...

So, in this dream (or more precisely, nightmare), I was inside a tall building when we noticed the Sun rose from the West. Then, the Earth started to swallow itself, with comets pouring down and destroying everything.

I was panicking, of course. I could see it all clearly. And I thought, "I never imagined I would live to witness the Kiamat. Kenapa cepat sangat Kiamat ni?"

I kept having thoughts, "OMG, I am going to hell. I nak bertaubat. I nak bertaubat. Tapi dah nak Kiamat ni, Taubat dah tak diterima dah! I don't want to go to Hell. But I will go to Hell. Oh, God, please forgive and let me enter Heaven eventually. Please count all the little deeds I did, even though I am not a good Muslim."

Scary weih...!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Mother was a housewife. When I was 14, Father had to work away from home. But we mostly saw each other on weekends. I was already a teenager and was busy with school activities, so I never really missed having him around.

I had a completely different childhood than what my son is experiencing now.

Now that I am a Mother myself, I often wonder, how do kids feel when
- their Moms have to go to work very early in the morning, and arrive home at 9pm the earliest
- they have long distance relationships with their Fathers
- sometimes they don't even get to see their Moms everyday

I want to understand what's going on in their minds and how this will impact them when they grow up.

Do they grow up sad?
Too independent?
Not talking to their parents?

I asked a friend, whose parents are in the same profession as mine, how did he feel when he was just a child?
He said, his parents sent him to the kampung to be taken care by his grandparents. Then, his parents took him back. During lunchtime, he stayed at his babysitter's house. Then, he went to the boarding school...

But how do you really feel?
Have you ever felt neglected? Sad? Simply give up on your parents?

Am I just overreacting? My son won't remember all this, yet.

But I will. And I pray not to be haunted by this decision, ever.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Once I moved back to Mother's house, my son and I slept on a mattress on the floor in my room, just because I was scared he might fall off the bed. Previously, he slept in the middle between my husband and I, so I wasn't really worried about that.

Slowly, as my back couldn't take it anymore, my son and I started to sleep on our bed.

Being the boy that he is, tidur berguling guling, pusing sana, pusing sini, sometimes, he ended up with only his body on the bed, while his waist down hanging by the bed. Funny, I tell you.

Just now, when he was already fast asleep, I was getting ready for Isyak. Suddenly, he woke up. Then I smiled at him and he fell back to sleep. So, I started my solat, but I heard him falling!

Terpaksa batalkan solat.

Anak bertuah ni, boleh pulak sambung tidur dekat atas lantai. Haha!

It's midnight now. Time yang tak best. Because this is the only time that I'm free (because Baby K dah tidur), but I couldn't do the important stuff like banking and pay my bills.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Today, I found out someone is jealous of me.
Aiyo...Itu pun nak dengki ke?

My work is pretty flexible now, so I want to take the opportunity to go for a 2-week course. Bukan bercuti pun, kursus okay!

I asked my boss for permission. This colleague of mine overheard, and he quickly said it would be unfair if Boss let me go.


If I were him, I would be glad because my colleague will return with more knowledge to share!
Lagipun, I bayar sendiri!

And it's not like it will be affecting his work! And he soon will be getting his opportunity when I can't.

And to think that I was already cheated to cover for him for other stuff! I feel used!

He's so childish and negative.

When faced with this kind of situation, I always wonder how the spouse handles people like this. Then, I think, agaknya spouse pun perangai sama, sebab tu sepadan sangat. Haha!

I pray I will pass my exam. Doa orang yang teraniaya should makbul.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Today, I met a truck driver who works with Alam Flora, and he and his wife were able to collect RM400k cumulatively. They have 7 children.

Nothing is impossible, right?

Then, he complained about the rising cost of living. I could feel him. Makan bukannya murah pun sekarang.

My son will soon reach 18 months old and I want to stop pumping already! My milk stock probably could last him 3 months. That should be enough lah kan...

My routine now is pumping once during lunchtime. Lebih kurang 3oz je dapat. But I think my son pun minum sikit. Sometimes, he could survive without drinking milk at all. Mother and bibik give him Vitagen, Ribena and water instead. I really hate it when bibik gives him Ribena to drink with during mealtime. Rosak gigi lah nanti...Dahlah bibik tu ada kencing manis. Because of this type of unhealthy lifestyle lah. Her permit gets rejected because she fails the urine test. Anyone knows what to do next? Dah habis ribu ribu dah ni.

Anyway, since I just got back to work, I have more milk from the all the direct feeding for the last 2 weeks. So, kita pump dulu selagi ada. After it diminishes in a few weeks time, I will reduce the amount of time pumping to 10 minutes once a day, and finally, go pumping free.

I really thought my cheapo breastpump wouldn't last, but it does...Yeay, cheapo! Win!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Again, it breaks my heart that tomorrow I will start my usual boring routine of going to work. My son fell asleep on my arm, and I love it when I catch him smiling, sometimes, giggling in his sleep. Sweet dreams, my dear. Mommy loves you.
Back from the long holiday and definitely not looking forward for work tomorrow.
Dreading the fact I will have to leave my son so early in the morning and probably comes back late at night.
Thinking of quitting and becoming a housewife yet again...Sigh.

Holiday was great. It was a success even though I didn't get to do all the things I wanted, but you know, in marriage, you just have to compromise. Unless you marry the person who has the same interests as you!

Because I compromised, my husband bought two new handbags for me. Well, I am not really crazy about them, but that means at least two years of fasting from getting any new one.

It's funny how I don't like to shop anymore. Actually, I probably still do, I just don't like to buy expensive things. And the holiday reminded me of how I used to love dressing up. And I remember how my friends used to drag me to shop with them because they needed my opinions. Like being a personal shopper/ stylist for them. Great time, I tell you... :)

Sometimes, I wish I had stayed instead of coming back. But I know, if I did, it'd be difficult to cover myself. How do you show up to work suddenly with a scarf on your head? Me and my logic. Boleh? Hahahaha.

Tengok, budak perasan, he refused to sit down and insisted my husband to dukung him so he could grab those things.

Many people commented that he looks older than 17 months old. Memang pun, kan?