Checked my son's temperature and it's 39 degrees celcius. Mind you, that's using the cheap thermometer, the strip that you place on the forehead. I'm pretty sure the accurate measurement is higher.
The good thing is, he's still active. I diluted his medicine in his drink, but he didn't finish it. Since, he's already fast asleep, I put a tablet up into his ass. So, now, I'm waiting for him to cool down a bit.
My son is so prone to fever and febrile fit. He would get fever every 2-3 months. Once he gets the congested nose, it would take about 2 weeks to completely recover. He seriously takes after his Daddy.
My second born is like me. Rarely gets sick. Even though she's a baby, she didn't get fever that high. She also had runny nose yesterday, but she's already better today! Must be the same bug, since they are together all the time, but different immune system.
My son sleeps hugging his Daddy, literally under his ketiak. Besides rubbing Vicks onto my son's chest, I also put some under my husband's armpit, haha. Hopefully, my son could breathe better. My husband is not aware, but he's gonna be confused tomorrow- why is his left trunk feel sticky.
My husband came last Tuesday. I didn't tell the children that he's coming home. I was putting Baby H to sleep. Abang K was with his cousin in their grandmother's room.
I wish I recorded the look on Abang K's face when he barged into my room, whispering loudly (because Baby H was sleeping, but Abang K was really excited)-
Mommy! Mommy! Daddy datang! Daddy datang!
(He saw the car from my Mother's window)
He was running, jumping, so excited and happy...
The noise woke Baby H up too.
Abang K quickly ran downstairs and helped me look for the key.
I pretended, "Betulke Daddy? Orang lain kot...Macam mana Abang K tahu?"
That put him off a bit. Plus, my husband didn't immediately went out from the car. "Mana Daddy?"
Then, he saw my husband and the joy burst! He salam and kissed and hugged his father. Such genuine love...
He suddenly had so much energy, giggling, talking, running and jumping, exactly like an excited puppy seeing his favourite mailman. Haha. So cute.
The little girl was smiling too. She recognized my husband immediately and wanted him to carry her.
But my husband is leaving again tomorrow.
And...I just checked my son- He is not so hot anymore. Lega sikit, I boleh tidur...
Yesterday, Mother was assessed by doctors from two different centres.
It turned out that her condition isn't too serious, thank God.
Anyway, I'm glad that even though it was a bit of a scare, Mother went through a pleasant experience. From the way she talked, I know the doctors treated her well. She kept praising them. The procedures went smoothly.
The first one, didn't even charge her- totally FOC.
I suspect it's because Mother mentioned that one of us siblings is a doctor. Mother usually doesn't tell, unlike my Arwah Father, he would tell whenever he had the chance.
Mother deserves to be treated nicely. I think she is blessed. She is a nice lady and she has been consistently and steadily improves her ibadah. I wish I could become like her.
I hope Allah will always protect my parents.
I must always give good service to my clients, if not the best, so people would treat my parents nicely. I don't care if people treat me badly, just not my parents, Mother especially, since she's the one who is still alive. Sebab dia memang orang baik-baik.
I just wanna say...If I did good, and Tuhan nak balas dengan kebaikan to me, I pray that my reward goes to her instead. That's how I much love and appreciate her.
I've spent the last few days melayan a 3-year-old and a 9-month-old.
Baby H is a good girl. She's the typical second child who is loved and so well behaved. She's at that age when she is easily distracted and I could give her to the maid whenever I want to. She's fine. My maid can feed her and make her nap.
Abang K is older, hence, he has his own opinions. He NEVER lets the maid do anything to him. So, dia melekat je lah dengan I. I make him take his bath, feed him, play with him, talk to him...
I think I'm a good mother in terms of layaning my children (not so good in other areas).
I always answer my son's questions no matter how ridiculous his questions are, no matter how many times he asks. I play pretend with him. I take interest in what his current obsessions are- trains, Thomas and his friends, we watch videos on Youtube on repeat and he laughs at the same old jokes.
Just now, I took a shower.
Wow, I am amazed that I'm so patient with him. This wasn't me years ago.
Then, I thought:
He better take good care of me when I'm old and have dementia or Alzheimers. He better be patient with me and answer my questions. When I forget, he has to remember that I used to entertain his silly questions over and over again.
Now, I understand when my husband keeps reminding my son when bringing him to the mosque:
"Nanti, bila Daddy dah tua, Abang K pulak kena bawa Daddy pergi masjid ye..."
2 weeks ago, my husband went shopping with my son at KLCC. I was working.
Usually, if I asked my husband to buy me anything, he would say- "Susah. Sebab Abang K ada. I tak boleh buat apa-apa."
So, I asked my husband:
Me: Tak susah ke shopping dengan Abang K?
Him: Abang K tidur dalam stroller. Sebab tu I boleh shopping.
Me: Ha? You bawa stroller? Dia tidur dalam kereta ke?
Him: Tak lah. Lepas jalan-jalan, dia penat. Lepas itu, dia duduk dalam stroller, tidur sendiri.
Me: Ohh...Kenapa you bawa stroller siap-siap? Biasanya you tak suka.
Him: Senang nak letak barang.
Before this, my husband didn't like the stroller. He used to bring back my son to his hometown, without the stroller. He would rather carry my son because he thought the stroller was such a hassle. Besides, he thought my son is a big boy.
Then, he would complaint that his shoulders hurt for carrying my son. I told him, "Bawa stroller tu. Senang kalau nak check in. Walaupun Abang K dah besar, he still needs his afternoon nap. Kalau tak cukup tidur, nanti dia cranky."
It took some time to convince my husband. Finally, he gave in and discovered the convenience of bringing the stroller. But I thought, he would only bring the stroller to the airport.
Suddenly, I pictured him pushing the stroller. Haha. I wonder what would people think of him.
I told Mother about this.
Mother: Tak pelik ke orang tengok lelaki tolak stroller (without the wife)?
Me: Haha (beaming with pride)
Mother: Cuba bayangkan Abang (my brother) buat macam tu? Memang tak akan!
It's true. I can't imagine Father or my brothers doing it.
They are the - this is women's job, I am not doing it - kinda men.
I know a lot of men are like my husband. He' s not rare, a lot of my friends/ friends' husbands are doing it too. It's just that he is rare in my family.
I don't know lah whether I yang over perasan, but I notice my MIL always takes my son's side.
When he's naughty and throws food on purpose- tak apa.
When he makes a mess on purpose- biarkan.
When he fights with his cousins- the cousins get scolded.
When he doesn't want to share- the cousins are told to leave him.
When he hit the cousins- my MIL just laughs.
When he cries mengada-ngada- my MIL gives in.
Aiyo...If I notice the favouritism, my in-laws might notice it too.
Dahlah I am the odd one, that's why I like to leave my son with my MIL when we balik kampung, so I can blend in better, tapi, when my son is in the house, amboi, macam anak raja, perangai menjadi-jadi.
Sometimes, I saja extra garang membebel-bebel, so they would know that my son is not always right.
When my son doesn't want to listen to his grandparents- they say my son doesn't understand the loghat.
Hello, it's not like you are talking in a foreign language. Malay is still our mother tongue. Mengada-ngada je budak tu.
Yang Baby H ni pun sama...
Kalau dekat kampung, menangis je...I understand it's hot, but this is still Malaysia, jangan perasan yang awak tu anak orang putih, boleh tak?
She is just a baby, I know, but I couldn't help but feel embarassed when I have to bring her inside the car for her naps.
My parents-in-law are very nice, I know they wouldn't think that my children are spoilt brats, but I'm sure they feel bad when they see my baby keeps being fussy, while other babies are all so calm. I understand the feeling of not being able to provide comfort...
I hope they would treat all their grandchildren the same. We are not special, different maybe, not special!
I was upset with my husband. Baby H was fussy, so I woke my husband up and left the room. Before I left, I said, "You ni, I banyak lagi kerja nak buat! Tolonglah sikit! Anak belum tidur, you dah tidur dulu!"
In the kitchen, I washed my breastpump set and my children's bottles. Then, I sterilised them.
I thought of eating, but went back to the room instead. My husband just finished cleaning Baby H's bottom- she pooped. My husband was carrying her, trying to put her to sleep. My son was watching Youtube videos on iPad.
I took a shower. A long one, because I thought I deserved it. I needed to calm down. I felt bad because I treated my husband as if he was bad. He was not feeling well. But I was not feeling well too!
After I got out from the shower, I nagged.
Me: I dah message you, I cakap I migraine. Dah 2 hari. I ambil ubat banyak. I beritahu you yang I tak cukup tidur. Kawan-kawan I tegur mata I lebam. Itu pun tak paham-paham lagi? I nak rehat! I nak tidur!
Me: Setiap hari, I tidurkan budak-budak. You tu, dahlah tidur awal. Bangun lagi lambat dari I (because I need to go to work). Petang, tidur. Malam, tak sedar. Tak boleh ke bagi masa sikit?
Me: Esok I kerja. I kena keluar pagi. Masa kerja, nak makan pun tak sempat. I penat. Sekarang, you tidurkan dua-dua budak ni. Selama ni, I yang tidurkan. You tu, bukan nak belajar cara-cara tidurkan budak.
Of course, when you are upset, you tend to exaggerate things. My husband does put my children to sleep from time to time. My husband is a morning person, he does not wake up so late (just a few minutes later than me). He doesn't usually nap, except when he's here with me, because he doesn't have to work, duhhh...He also feeds me in public, even if my hands are not full (hari tu kan jadi viral kisah suami menyuap isteri, I didn't realize it was a big deal, my husband does it all the time- oh, the little things you take for granted)
Anyway, in between my nagging, my wise husband kept quiet, but my son kept interrupting:
Mommy, Mommy cakap apa?
Mommy, Mommy cakap dengan siapa?
Haa? Apa dia Mommy?
Kenapa Mommy marah?
Hehehe...Nak tergelak I. Bagus juga, tak adalah I full blown nak marah, sebab anak ada depan mata. Cuma membebel je lah...
Me: Mana ada Mommy marah! Mommy cakap dengan Daddy, Mommy penat. Mommy nak tidur. Sekarang, Abang K pergi tidur.
Finally, the children were asleep, and I said good night to my husband.
The next day, I left early for work. But things were back to normal.
Now that I think about it, thank God for my son, he acted like a buffer. Makes me realize to really behave in front of him. Comel pula bila teringat dia menyampuk time I tengah hot tu. Terpaksa I senyum, but after I smiled, I noticed automatically, tak jadi nak marah sangat.
Today, I sent my husband away. I kissed his hands and he kissed my cheeks. Then he said, "Si kurus ni...Makan lebih-lebih sikit."
Nampak je kurus, tapi sebenarnya buncit.
I'm always hungry but afraid of overeating. I know breastfeeding causes hunger, but my metabolism is not like it used to be, so I have to watch what I eat before I regret it.
Anyway, the point is, I had a brief episode of meroyan and thank God my husband ni layankan ajeeeee...
Watched a viral video on Facebook- a father, I assume, was stealing money right in front of 3 children. One of the kids even helped to hold the screwdriver.
Bila baca komen, alahai, ramai pula yang baik hati, fikir positif- terdesak nak cari duit untuk anak-anak.
Okay, kalau terdesak, you go beg for money. You don't carry a screwdriver in your pocket! Kalau terdesak, you are embarassed to do it, not teaching the kids how to rob.
Biarlah orang nak cakap I ni hati jahat, but I'm pretty sure he would use the money to buy cigarettes or drugs. Entah-entah, duit isteri, duit raya anak, semua dia rembat.
Yes, I'm cold hearted. Because I know, if you don't behave in front of children, then there is no goodness in your heart. Bila bab anak-anak ni, I memang sensitif. Even difficult to forgive.
Sebab anak ni pure and innocent. Even after you scold and hit them, they would quickly forget and love you back. Siap boleh ketawa. That's why it is so easy to manipulate them. That's why, if you abuse them, they would think it's love, because you are all that they have.
I remember watching a video. A Chinese woman was verbally and physically abusing a child, about 4 years of age...The woman was pushing the girl, hitting and screaming at her. Then, she tried to leave the girl. But the girl, even though crying, she still ran after the woman, tugging at her, asking the woman to accept her and not leave her. See...Dah kena pukul pun, masih meminta kasih sayang.
I think earlier this year, a couple of Singaporeans were sentenced for abusing their child. I can't even finish reading the reports. It was so horrible, I thought about the child every single night for 2 weeks, I swear! I still think about the boy every now and then. Seksanya, alahai...
I wish, one day, when I have enough money and time, I want to open a home for children. I want to love them. If they don't have mothers, they can call me Mama. I may not be a proper parent to them, but I could sit with them and ask how's their day like, have you finished your homework...You know, provide a shelter and protect them...
Wow, tingginya cita-cita!
Padahal ada seorang anak yang suka tidur after 11pm pun, I dah rasa nak mengamuk hari-hari.
I don't know about you guys, but I love being underestimated. Yeah, go on, underestimate me, then I will deliver and you will be surprised.
I think, the more mature I am, the more humble I become. When I was younger, I wanted to show off, but not anymore. Now, I prefer to shy away from the limelight. Benarlah pepatah ikut resmi padi, makin berisi, semakin tunduk. Dulu masa muda, kosong je...Hehe.
When I see distant relatives or my husband's friends, I very rarely talk about my job, except when asked. Even when asked, I sometimes give them a general answer, like, the place where I work instead.
Actually, it is not so much of being humble (perasan humble je lebih, hehe) but also to avoid conversation about my job. I'd rather leave work during working hours.
Even among other departments, I like to be the ordinary, unknown person. In fact, I look up to my bosses who appear to be so plain, but when you hear them talk- boom!
I guess nowadays, I value presence and personality, some kind of 'isi tersirat' rather than 'tersurat'. It's like a secret code, only those who know will know what you are made of. Don't really care if people don't know, won't make much difference.
Or, perhaps, because I was in that position before, when I was younger, trying to establish myself, I understand, so I always give them chance to enjoy the moment, while I pretend to be impressed.
Luckily, I was not always like that even when I was younger. Haha. This is true story. I remember, I let my good friend in university finish a gossip. I just listened and let her enjoy the story telling. Because she knew me well enough, at the end, she asked, "You dah tau eh cerita ni? Kalau you dah tahu, kenapa you biar I cerita macam you belum tahu! Penat tau I cakap."
"Sebab, you nampak excited sangat. Tak sampai hati nak potong cakap you. Lagipun, I want to know whether cerita you sama tak dengan cerita I."
Anyway, why I am telling you this is because I have a friend on Facebook who feels like she has to prove that she is more than a housewife, or stay-at-home mom, whatever term you prefer, really, why are people getting more and more sensitive!
Every now and then, she posted status like:
Orang pandang saya macam tak ada duit. Ye lah, saya pergi shopping bawa dua orang anak, tak ada salesgirl nak layan. Dia ingat, saya ni hanya seorang surirumah.
Siapa kata surirumah macam saya tiada visi dan misi.
Dalam masa 5 tahun, saya berjanji saya akan mengembangkan bisnes saya ke pasaran antarabangsa.
Lihatlah saya sekarang. Dulu, ramai mengeji. Mereka memperkenalkan saya sebagai seorang surirumah yang tidak bekerja. Saya tidak ada gaji tetap. Bla bla bla...
Okay, so she now owns a label. Good for her. Really, I am happy, I think her products are pretty. Her business is doing quite well.
But, it makes me wonder, do people really look down on housewives? Personally, I never think housewives are lame, Mother was a housewife and I wanna be one- I just could not be one. During my time, most of my friends' mothers are housewives too!
Secondly, the fact that she wrote: orang pandang saya macam tak ada duit...
Well, I enjoy people underestimating me, don't you?
I suka dengar cerita Pak Haji pergi masjid berjalan kaki. Tapi bawa beg plastik berisi cash RM25k untuk diderma- true story.
I juga suka dengar cerita suami isteri pergi ke kedai kereta, bertanya harga, kemudian bercakap dengan nada hampa- ala, mahalnya...Kalau boleh, buat aksi lagi jakun lagi bagus, asking all sorts of free gifts. Tapi, terus beli kereta dalam masa dua hari, siap bayar cash, sampai salesman tu kunci pintu dan cakap- saya tak pernah memegang duit sebanyak ini.
Ya...Itu yang saya mahu, exceeding your expectations! The more you underestimate me, the easier it is to surprise you.
The good thing about this is...I end up always overestimating people, hence I rarely look down on people. You never know!
I rasa, people who want others to know about themselves, actually have problems with their confidence level. Ataupun, it is all only in your head. Takde orang mengutuk mengeji pun...Entah-entah, you tu je yang mudah terasa.
Tapi, kalau betul ada orang pandang rendah pada dia, I hope she gets her sweet revenge.
There was a girl at my workplace. I remember asking for a small favour from her, but she freaking told me off. I hate her. Berkira gila! Lepas tu, perasan bagus.
Anyway, I kept quiet.
Then, I got to know more and more people in my workplace. Somehow, some of us hate the same girl too! Terus I rasa lega, it is not only me! Hehe.
She was the baker among us. Sometimes, she brought cakes and received many compliments for her baking talent. Ceh, I hated her so much, I never even had the desire to touch her cakes.
Then, she moved to a new place.
During a recent course, I was in the same group with her new colleagues. Those girls also complained about her! I swear, I didn't start the conversation, I hate her so much- kalau boleh, tak nak mention dia pun.
Anyway, there must be something seriously wrong with her, sampaikan ramai membenci. I hope I don't end up like that.
I read somewhere, when Abang K was small, that boys like fart jokes. I can't wait to find our whether this is true.
Now, he's all grown up as a toddler, and it is true!
Abang K: Daddy, apa tu? Mommy, apa tu? (Points at my husband's mole on his cheek)
Me: Itu tahi lalat.
Abang K: Hahahahahaha! Lalat berak dekat Daddy! Lalat ingat Daddy tu jamban! Hahahaha! (Laughs like it's the funniest thing ever)
And...He likes to fart at me, intentionally, then goes off running and laughing. Boys...
Every year, I hate Indonesia. They never learn. I have no desire to even visit Indonesia. Tak minat.
Did I tell you guys about my previous maid?
One day last year, during the haze season, she bakar sampah.
Niece: Bau apa ni?
Maid: Saya bakar sampah...
Me: Apa! Awak bakar sampah? Padam, padam! Di Malaysia mana boleh bakar sampah! Nanti kena saman!
Mother: Baik awak padam api tu sebelum jiran complaint!
Husband: Dahlah sekarang ni berjerebu. Awak ni tambah jerebu.
Maid: Saya mahu halau nyamuk...
Then, I realized, that's just how they live. They don't know about ozone. They don't understand the consequence of open burning. They burn and destroy their forests.
I had a hard time accepting the new maid. She is not as good as the previous two maids. We did complaint to the agent, but was told to give her some time. We did, up until the point that all we do now is- redha je lahhhh...
I think my maid is racist.
"Di sini, ada juga Cina yang miskin ya..."
"Di sini, banyak orang India."
"Orang Cina tak ada yang berkulit gelap."
"Kok di Malaysia ada berita bahasa India?"
Today, she told me about her son.
"Bapanya belum bawa dia pergi bersunat. Katanya, tak reti menjaga lepas bersunat. Anak saya itu sudah 12 tahun. Kalau lambat, nanti dia malu...
Itulah...Dulu ada isteri, dipukul-pukul, diceraikan..."
- my maid just got a divorce a few months ago.
My last maid pun complaint husband suka pukul. Tapi husband alim, ustadz.
Domestic abuse. Adakah ini masalah mereka di kalangan masyarakat bersosioekonomi rendah?
Maid: Rajin juga bapa memasak, ya...(Referring to my brother). Isterinya duduk saja...
Me: Ya, dia suka memasak. Minat mencuba masakan baru.
Maid: Suami saya tu, langsung tak pernah menolong. Duduk saja.
Me: Mungkin sebab ibunya mengajar begitu.
Maid: Iya...Ibunya tak pernah menegur anaknya itu, walaupun suami saya memukul saya.
Tak tahulah cerita betul ke, atau sekadar nak raih simpati...But I'm thankful my husband has never laid his hand on me.
We all have had interesting encounters with our clients.
My colleague today told me about her client who cried in her room. "Her husband left her for a Filipino girl. They have 5 children together. They had been married for 13 years."
"Her ex-husband is an engineer. He works in the Philippines. She would visit him every now and then. Then, she noticed his house was always neat. That's how she knew."
"She told me, always put your name and your husband's name together whenever you buy properties. Always! Now, her husband is taking the house, the car, the children, everything! She's only 35."
My other colleague said: Leave the children lah. Why so sebok with the children, he has a new wife, go make kids with the new woman lah.
"The husband already has 2 kids with that woman."
Yeah, so...You will never know what will happen.
Although, it only sounds so rational to share ownership of properties...
But how do you ask for it from your husband?
Colleague: Do you get monthly allowance from your husband?
Me: No. I never really ask for it. I know some people who do get the monthly allowance though. Is that how it supposed to be?
Colleague: I don't know. I'm not married yet. My friend is asking me.
Me: But, my husband pays for the maid and the car. And he pays whenever we go out. When he is in town, he makes sure the cars have enough gas, enough credits on my Smart Tag...He sends the cars for services and carwash. He also gives money to my mom every month. I don't know how much, but he does. So, I think, that's enough.
Colleague: Wahhh...So good...Plus, you are also working, so you have your own money.
Me: True. I don't really depend on him. Actually, when we first got married, we lived separately, meaning, we buy our own things lah. Then, when I moved to his hometown, I helped a lot. Sekarang ni baru okay sikit.
Colleague: So, I guess, you do get monthly allowance, just not fixed.
Me: Yeah. Come to think of it, actually, I don't spend that much. I think, I only pay for stuff I bought online. I bought a lot of baby stuff online and they are expensive! I bought baju too, because, you know, I can't shop when the kids are around.
So, is it too much if I were to tell him: Hey, you should put my name too on this. But you pay for it!
I think it all boils down to how well you are communicating with each other.
Or...You could simply volunteer to pay half of it, as long as your name is on it.
I have been away from my son for 4 days today. He is away in kampung with my husband.
Besar dah anak I. He is 3 years old. And my husband said he didn't even ask for me. Say whaaattt...Why don't you miss Mommy!!!
It's a blessing in disguise. I could concentrate more on my daughter. I could play with her. And I could rest a little bit more, sleep earlier, and I don't have to worry about making my son take his shower and eat his dinner...
But, this is not the life I want forever. Before my husband left the house, we had a quarrel over the phone. Then, my overthinking mind start to imagine: is this how it feels like if we get a divorce...
Anyway, I'm glad I have a dependable husband that could take care of our children. Despite his flaws, I think he is the best for me. I hope he feels the same way about me too.
People say it's difficult to love your children equally.
But so far, I love both my children equally, just longer for my firstborn (d
When Baby H was born, I gave extra attention to Big Brother K so he wouldn't get jealous or feel left out. I didn't want to scar him like I was scarred when I first received my baby sister.
Thank God, Big Brother K loves his sister. He is always kissing her, I think it's because she's so cute, he can't resist himself. He never tries to hurt Baby H intentionally. Although, sometimes he plays too rough, when he covers her sister with a blanket (playing ghost/ monster/ hide and seek), or puts his butt at his sister's face because he wants to pretend fart Baby H...
Initially, I think I ignored Baby H most of the time. She was just a baby, she didn't react, except when she was hungry and wanting to sleep. Other than that, my time and attention went to Big Brother K.
But now, she is growing up so fast. Independent and cheerful. How can I not love this baby who is not as fussy as her brother, gives in a lot, gentle and has to let her Mother work before she was even 3 months old.
Just now, Baby H was already sleeping and Big Brother K was about to fall asleep when Baby H suddenly cried. Big Brother K quickly joined me to hush her. I nursed Baby H and Big Brother K hugged both of us and stroked Baby H's head, half asleep.
My heart melted.
Big Brother K- so loving and kind.
Baby H- so patient, gentle and cheerful.
Baby H has giggled several times since she turned 3 months old. So far, the only reason she giggles is watching Big Brother K doing something silly.
I pray they would have the best sibling relationship until they die. :)
I don't want to get angry but I am angry. I don't know who should I be angry at.
I'm angry at my maid. She said she would come back. We were so nice, she received a lot of money, renewed her permit, let her go home before her contract ends (she was with us only for a year). I thought we treated her well, out of mercy, because she too have children, and it would be cruel if we forbid her from seeing her children. Mother gave her an android phone, even bought new clothes from her children.
She didn't come back. I am angry because to me, it is pecah amanah. Serve me right, for trusting her too much. We just started to feel comfortable with her. Sure, we let her go bearing the risks. And now, padan muka sendiri lah kan.
Jadi, nak marah diri sendiri ke? Eh, maid yang buat hal, kenapa kena marah diri sendiri pulak. Maid tu yang patut kena marah!
This will be my third year hiring a maid. One for each year. Beribu-ribu each time. Eh, bazir betul lah. Baik I duduk rumah je. Gatal sangat nak kerja. Nak harapkan orang tolong jaga anak kita, tapi sendiri yang sakit hati.
And I was so confident that if we treat people right, Allah akan mudahkan. What does this mean? There's something wrong with the way we treated her? Eee...Geram betullah. I taknak marah diri sendiri, I don't deserve this. But I am so angry!
Truthfully, I've been trying to search for a proper baju raya this year, but to no avail. Tak ada yang berkenan dan yang paling penting, kena breastfeeding friendly.
So, no baju raya for me this year.
Yesterday was the day I packed my baju for 7 days, including for Baby K and Baby H, in the span of 2 hours. I simply rummaged my wardrobe for old baju kurung. I really do have some nice ones that I haven't been wearing for some time.
But, today morning, when I tried one on, I can only zip it up halfway! Oh, my God...Mommy has gone fat! My husband laughed at me...I also wasn't expecting I was that skinny before...I mean, I think I am not so fat for someone who just gave birth 4 months ago, second pregnancy body some more, right?
So, my little family has no theme colour, whatever...
I'll be wearing the same handbags and shoes for the next 6 days, how boring...This is the downside of celebrating not in your hometown.
Nevertheless, I am blessed, Alhamdulillah. No baju raya, but my husband bought a new phone for me. Also, new cars for me, him and his company. Most importantly, a new baby! Great health and family...
I am even more grateful when I met a father, whose wife is sick, and has to take care of his 7 children, the youngest is a Down's Syndrome baby, by doing odd jobs.
And, when someone told me about an Indonesian father, whose kid was ill and did not survive. The father couldn't afford the van jenazah, so he carried his dead kid from the hospital on his motorcycle, for a couple of hours before reaching home.
And the Masjid Nabawi incident...
I am crying as I am typing this.
I wish I could help them all...
I couldn't stop thinking about them, that's why I write, despite this post should be about the joyful Eid.
Again, Selamat Hari Raya! I truly ask for your forgiveness kalau I ada silap and salah...I'm always scared if I sound boastful, or, konon baik sangat in my writing. Seriously, I am not. But if you think I do, sorry sangat-sangat, I don't mean to...Sila jangan menyampah dengan I, hehe.
Yesterday, I interviewed a client with a rare illness. Most people fail to understand the illness, because it is a type of sleep disorder.
Oh, my, I felt like giving him a hug.
He told me how he prefers to be lonely, because when he's around people, he has to bear listening to the accusations of him simply being lazy and kuat tidur, despite him explaining that he has a disease. Even his marriage fails.
All I could say is, "Maaf."
"Maaf," to me, sounds so fake. It's more natural to say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce."
Since the interview was conducted in Malay, I said, "Maaf." Couldn't find other words to console him.
He was pleasant and coorperative though, enthusiastic to answer my questions even, as if he was happy that I was trying to understand his life.
Driving back home, I almost cried. I feel so lucky to be blessed with health. That man must be special, because he was chosen by God to endure it. Even listening to his experience is depressing.
It also make me realize, not to quickly judge a person. A lazy, sleepy man, might appear to be one, because he has an actual debilitating medical condition.
Both children are sleeping.
My firstborn is still in recovery state, he had high fever and suffered the third episode of febrile fit. I am praying the baby won't get infected.
The febrile fit occured when we balik kampung. It was the first time my husband witnessed it.
My MIL said she used to put a spoon inside my husband's mouth everytime he had a seizure. I was like, "Laaa!!! Genetic rupanya!"
At first, I was a little bit angry. My husband took my son a day earlier to kampung. He told me my son was feverish. I asked him to give him Panadol. But my husband said my son was crying, so he didn't serve the medicine to him.
But, I refrained myself from talking about it. I know my husband must had felt equally bad. Besides, he has been wonderful. My son is two and half years old and my husband has been bringing him balik kampung for a couple of times without me. I know there are not many men who can do that. Even Father and my brothers won't be able to do it.
Anyway, yesterday, my husband asked me, what do I wish for my birthday.
Surprised, I told him I hadn't thought about it yet because my birthday is in June. Then, he made me realize that now is already end of May.
I think that it's sweet of him to remember, unlike me who has forgotten many things. I haven't even given him anything for his birthday this year, not yet.
The truth is, I didn't expect anything. He just bought a new car, which he claims to be an early anniversary gift (actually, we bought a new car just because our family is expanding). I also treated it as a 'Thank you for giving birth to our daughter' gift. Haha.
I told him that I wanted a ring, or a necklace. But, I think he is buying me a watch. He bought a new watch and he thinks I should get a matching one. I told him, I prefer Omega, but he said the men's designs from Omega are not nice.
But, to me, the watch would be an expensive gift. A ring would be cheaper. Tak payahlah membazir...Haha, I ni, perasan je nak dapat jam, entah-entah tak dapat pun, ataupun dapat benda lain...
I also told him about the Diorama bag. Saw someone carrying it and quickly showed it to him. But the bag is absolutely, purely a 'want' item. I still have bags I haven't used yet in the wardrobe!
Anyway, whatever it is, I am currently content with my life. It's not perfect, but I am good. As long as I have this family, I am happy.
Nah, belanja gambar. I tak reti rotate gambar pakai phone, sorry.
I am super sad after receiving the news today: two of my dearest colleagues will be leaving. I am sp affected by the news, because I genuinely want the best for them, and also because I could be one of them.
But, as Ustadz Ebit Lew said, Allah knows best. There's beauty behind every failure, a sunshine after the rain, hikmah di sebalik kejadian. All you have to do is believe and pray correctly, and make it your weapon.
I will be starting work soon. Like this coming Monday soon. Yes, my world is cruel. I can't fight the system, not yet. But please remind me, when I have the power, I will try to change the system.
For now, I will succumb into a temporary depression, and hopefully, my daughter won't be compromised by all this.
(That reminds me that I only have a day's worth of breastmilk for now. I will standby with formula milk. Does that make me a terrible, selfish mother? We, women are always hard on each other. Please take a step back, and evaluate that we each lead different lives, and not all are meant to be ideal like what you believe. Our journeys are different and individualised. May Allah ease my struggles)
Successfully put my son to sleep, clipped his nails with a torch (still refusing to give his fingers for nailclipping, so I've been cutting his nails while he's asleep, in the dark, with my torch app on my phone, sometimes when he's taking his nap during the day, for almost 3 years already! OMG, such dedication...), my daughter is asleep as well...
Sometimes, I feel like a single mother. Because my husband is away most of the time...But! I've been getting help from the maid and Mother, so, it's really unfair to complaint that much...Well, in reality, they help when I'm at work, but when I'm home, I do most of the chores, except cooking and cleaning.
Since I consider myself as an 'experienced mother', I don't read that much about babies anymore. But I remember, I bought nappy liners during my first pregnancy. From my 'research', babies shit a lot in little amount, so, it is advised to buy nappy liner so that you don't have to change diapers every time.
In the end, I never used the nappy liner because my son could go on days without opening his bowel; completely normal for a fully breastfed child.
My daughter, on the other hand, soils her diapers so often,..By one week old, she already used up about half of the pack, which made me think: Kesiannya dekat orang miskin...
Lepas tu, rasa nak nangis/
Lepas tu terfikir dekat the refugee babies who don't even access to warm/ hot water.
OMG, hatiku masih rapuh...
Anyway...Hello, how am I now?
I am still recuperating.
I had a sort of traumatizing birth story :(
Seriously, days after that, I sometimes cry just thinking of what I had to go through...
It's nobody's fault. It's just that...Giving birth really could kill you, things could go really, really wrong...I didn't prepare my body and mind for that.
Here's the boring version of it:
As you all know, it was past my due date, so I had to be admitted to induce labour...Bla bla bla...At 1230am, I was only 1 cm with thick cervix and no pain. I went to sleep and was woken up with a contraction pain. It wasn't regular, so I went back to sleep. At 2.30 am, was woken up by the nurse for a CTG.
Had another contraction while doing the CTG. Still irregular pain. The nurse said it was only moderate contraction. CTG looked fine.
The nurse told me to prepare and get ready by 6.30 am. "Doctor nak induce pukul 6.30 pagi."
Back to my bed but decided to sit rather that lying down. Started to have painful contractions. It was 3 am. I knew that was it because I started to feel nauseous. I vomit whenever I'm in so much pain- like when I have migraine attacks and like the time I gave birth 2 and half years ago...Quickly took 2 tablets of Panadol, hoping it would help with the pain while asking for an epidural...Chewaaahhh...Berharap nak dapat epidural!
I expected to give birth after 8 am. So, I tahan, tahan, tahan. Husband was sleeping at home because the hospital is only 5 minutes away...And you know how clingy my son is when he's around...
I sat next to the bed, with a plastic bag in my hand, in case I vomit. At around 3.30 am, a nurse checked on me, "Kenapa?"
Nurse: Kenapa pegang plastic?
Me: Rasa nak muntah.
Nurse: Ha? Ada pening kepala ke? Tak ada darah tinggi kan?
Me: Bukan. Contraction. Sakit sangat. Saya memang macam ni. Kalau sakit sangat, saya rasa nak muntah.
Nurse: Saya check jalan, boleh?
Me: Sekarang ke?
In my mind, since the pain only started, there was no point for vaginal examination because I would be disappointed. I waited for about 6 hours before coming to the hospital for my first baby (it was as long as I could tahan), and when they checked me, I was only 2 cm, WTF!
So, I knew nothing would open after only 30 minutes of pain. I felt my baby's head was still high. And the pain was somewhat bearable still.
But, if the nurse checked me now, she would leave me alone in the next few hours...That was when my mind tell me to say, "Yes, you can check me now..."
The nurse's fingers were inside of me.
She said, "Okay...4 cm..." --> Wahhh! Biar betul dah 4 cm!
"Hhhmmm...6 cm..." --> Haaa??? 4 ke 6 cm?
"Relax...Relax...Saya tolong..." --> then, my water broke.
"Prepare trolley! Boleh hantar pergi labour room!" --> What?! Wait, I tak bagitau husband I lagi!
"Dah 8, 9 cam dah ni! Inform labour room!" --> Seriously!
"Awak jangan teran dulu ye..." --> Betul ke ni? Baru 3.50 am! I belum sakit betul-betul lagi...
Anyway, changed trolley, wheeled to labour room, didn't get to grab my phone or call my husband, had people around me...This time, a midwife checked, and she said I was already 10 cm. "Kalau ada rasa sakit, teran ye..."
"Dah boleh teran ke? Betul ke ni?" I finally said out loud.
"Betul ke sakit start pukul 3?" a different nurse asked.
"Betul...Baru je start sakit ni..."
"Cepatnya! Puku 12.30 am baru 1 cm..."
Nurse: Haaa...Ni ada contraction ni boleh teran!
Me: Errr...Tapi tak sakit sangat.
Nurse: (Peeked at CTG) Moderate contraction je ni...
Finally, the pain was gone, for a while.
Midwife: Tak ada sakit ke?
Me: Tak ada. (Finally get to breathe)
Midwife: Lamanya contraction nak datang...
Nurse: Perut pun lembut je...
Then, the contractions came and I pushed twice, and baby was out at 4.38am.
THAT WAS FAST!
The midiwife mentioned something about 'accelerated labour'.
I didn't even get to be dehydrated.
(I remember feeling very thirsty after I gave birth to my son, I never felt that thirsty in my whole life, I swear!)
My husband still didn't know about me... :(
I malas nak suruh nurse call kan...
When I got back to my bad in the ward, the nurse came and passed my mobile phone to me. "Awak tertinggal tadi..."
At 5.50am, I called my husband. "Abang, I dah bersalin."
But I was still in pain. I remember feeling so relieved after giving birth to my son. But this was different. I was still having tummy pain. My face showed. I was far from being relieved.
Nurse: Kenapa? Ada pening kepala?
Me: Bukan...Perut masih sakit...
Nurse: Oohhh...Sakit macam senggugut ye? Kita boleh bagi Ponstan, tapi kena makan dulu...Suruh husband bawa makanan...
Obviously, I didn't get to celebrate my quick delivery because I suffered from a complication after giving birth :(
Okay, kita sambung lain kali pulak ye...Panjang dah ni...
Tak jadi induce hari ni...Postpone esok pulak...Hoping for regular contractions to avoid the dreadful tomorrow, hehe...
Since I'm bored...
I am not a naturally pretty person, I admit. Biasa biasa je...Tak ada orang minat pun masa sekolah dulu...But, that does not deter my self esteem. I mean, I never let my looks to make me feel less confident about myself.
I've told the story about a friend of mine who used to have good skin. When we were in college, she suffered from acne. I didn't think it was bad, but she was so ashamed of herself, she didn't want to socialize and kept herself in her room.
Another friend in University was pretty too (well, I think she is quite average, but maybe she thought otherwise?) At one point, she had skin problem. She asked all of her friends to delete photos of her in Facebook. Because the request was quite tough to comply, she ended up avoiding being in photos altogether.
Recently, I met a friend who went to University with us. She said that girl is now back on Facebook after her skin got treated. Haha.
Actually, there was a time when I wish I was prettier. Jealous with girls who have the looks. I said, "Best nya jadi cantik...Ramai peminat..." I was immature. But my friend told me, "Best ke jadi orang yang sentiasa kena kecewakan orang lain? Ye lah, bila dah cantik, ramai orang minat, tapi kita kena asyik kena reject orang yang kita tak suka tu..."
Wahhh...Why you so wise!!!!! We were only 18...
Since I don't really care much about how I look...I mean, I do care lah, I used to love make-ups and whatnots, tapi takde lah sampai tahap skin kena perfect gitu...I have accepted the fact that my skin has flaws, and I gotta live with it. It's not the end of the world if I'm ugly, or if I miss a facial appointment (still a virgin here)...
Orang kata, alah bisa tegal biasa. I've always had acne problems, hence leading to enlarged pores. So, I dah tak berapa nak heran kalau ada jerawat. Once, I sought a professional treatment and was prescribed with an antibiotic called Tetracycline. Ever since, I noticed my teeth are not as pearly white as before. I was one of the few unfortunates who suffer from its side effect! Dahlah tak cantik, gigi tak putih pula tu!
My niece notices my pores. The other day, she asked me, "Auntie Ectopy, kenapa muka Auntie ada titik titik lubang lubang macam tu?"
I truthfully answered her, "Bekas jerawat..."
Then she said, "Macam muka Anna (from the cartoon Frozen)? Muka Anna ada dot dot juga dekat pipi dia..."
Hahahaha...Those are freckles, honey. But if you think this is how freckles look like in real life, Auntie terima je...Hahaha!
I am nervous. In a few hours, I will be induced. The baby likes to be inside me, too much. I keep imagining the contractions I've been having is labour pain, but apparently, they are not. They say induction hurts, plus, tomorrow is a weekend, I don't know who will entertain my request for an epidural.
A friend from highschool just shared her experience of losing 3 of her children, 2 biological and 1 adopted. It's so sad...Then she said, "Aku nak pesan, kalau ada anak yang lasak, jangan dimarahi sangat. Sebab itu bermakna anak tu sihat...Untuk anak-anak kecil, kalau boleh, tunaikan permintaan diorang. Layankan sahaja. Sebab sampai sekarang aku sedih tak sempat bagi nasi lemak dekat anak aku..."
I really don't know where to draw the boundaries lah...My son really loves those surprise eggs, every time he goes to Toys R Us, we would buy him at least 3. Today, he got 7 surprise eggs! And the toys are more or less the same...He just gets the thrill of opening the eggs, he doesn't really care much about the toys or the candies.
He also likes those SpongeBob vitamins which are meant for 5 year-olds and above. He can finish them so fast. I tried to substitute them with other gummies, but gummies aren't exactly healthy for kids either. We haven't bought those vitamins for quite some time (well, we usually ends up buying the fruits and vegetables gummies, meant for kids who refuses the food, but still...) but last night, he saw the gummies at the pharmacy! My husband and I just couldn't say No to him.
Every time my son is extra manja, my husband would tell him, "Nanti, bila daddy dah tua, Baby K pula jaga daddy, okay..." So far, my son doesn't display any real attitude problems yet, except that he likes to throw things...But I am concerned whether we layan his requests too much. Aren't we strict enough? Are we feeding him with bad attitudes? Is it too early to start disciplining him? (Disciplining him on what pun I tak tahu...Haha...)
My staff has the same advice too. She said, once they grow up, they won't be needing you anymore. So, layan je lah apa-apa yang budak-budak ni nak...
On my Facebook timeline, there would be on and off Muslimah stores, but the annoying part is...their models. Haha. I have a case of 'I hate you for no reason, I don't know why, I just do'!
So far, I have identified 3 Muslimah models that I just could not stand!
I am most annoyed with this one model- she has a certain way of smiling, which I find to be very 'syok sendiri'. So annoying whenever I see her face pops up. She's everywhere! Please change your model!
The second one, well, I am not so annoyed with her lah. She's actually pretty sweet, but I think, too many companies use her face! Like, oi, tak ada muka lain keeeee...
The third model is also like the first one that I don't like, except that she's not everywhere (yet), but still, I can feel the aura of 'syok sendiri'. Like, you claim to be a Muslimah model, right...Why you like this! Badan lentik-lentik, pakai sunglasses lah, konon macam modern sangat...So attention seeking (even though I do understand that's the whole purpose of the ads- to attractbcustomers. But I still can't accept, haha)
But of course, I am just stating my opinions based on first impressions. I don't even know them lah...But, I have admitted before that I can be very judgemental, it's my weakness...Hehehehe...
So yeah, I'm sorry that I hate you for no reason... =(
Hati I ni belum suci murni lagi kot...
My husband has returned from overseas, yeay!
But while he was away, my son missed him so much, he had an episode when he cried out of sudden calling for his daddy! He was watching iPad- a scene of father and son teasing each other.
Son: (Crying) Nak daddy!
Me: Daddy work...
Son: Nak ikut daddy work!
Me: Daddy balik lagi 4 hari.
Son: Nak daddy! Daddyyyyy...!!!
Waahhh...Sekarang dah pandai rindu ye...
Luckily, it only lasted for 5 minutes, or I would have joined him too, crying for missing my husband so much, hahahaha...
When we sent my husband off at the airport, my husband actually lied to my son that he was getting the car, before he disappeared...
I'm actually against this method lah...I prefer telling my son the truth.
But, my husband was afraid I couldn't handle my son's tantrum, with me being heavily pregnant and all, so, I simply followed my husband's method...Malas nak gaduh time nak berpisah...
So, my son was in his stroller, and my husband was missing...Then, my son started to ask me, "Daddy mana?"
Because my husband was already gone, I bluntly told my son- Daddy tak ada. Daddy pergi work.
My son screamed and cried in his stroller. I kept pushing. Finally, he slept...
Oh, for those of you who didn't know yet, my son memang overly attached with his father, despite him not being around all the time due to our long distance relationship. Even though I am the one who takes care of my son most of the time, my husband is still my son's number 1.
I told the above stories to my husband.
Me: Kalau boleh, I tak nak tipu-tipu dia...
Husband: Tapi, I takut dia nangis.
Me: I rasa, you yang tak boleh nampak dia nangis...Hehehe...(I seriously think he's doing that method to save himself from the heartache)
Me: You tu...Kalau Baby K nangis sikit, terus dukung dan pujuk dia!
Husband: I kan tak ada kasih sayang...I tak nak dia rasa macam apa yang I rasa...
I quickly understood that my husband was referring to the fact that his biological parents gave him up for other people to take care of him when he was small.
I will never understand how it feels...That's why I always think it's no big deal. My husband's parents (not biological) are nice people, and they are related to my husband's actual parents. They do meet each other during family events, it's not like my husband is left to wonder who his real parents are...
And I still can't really understand why my husband couldn't let this go. He's an adult now. His adopted parents asked for him (because they were childless at that time), and his biological parents gave him because...I don't know, kesian kot...
But...My husband still feels that he is not loved enough (despite the fact that he always compliments his adopted parents, and I know his adopted parents love him so much because they are forever dependent on him, instead of their biological sons)
Well, to my advantage- or more specifically, to my children's advantages, we know my husband will love and protect them, as long as he has that feeling (who knows he might have a change of heart in the future kan...)
Tapi, kasihan my husband...Macam trauma for life je...Sometimes, if we argue, he would say things like, "Nobody loves me. I only have you and Baby K in my life." Waahhh...I pulak kena convince dia balik there are many people in this world who love him.
Hari tu, I ada dengar Ustadz cakap dalam radio:
Kalau tak ada anak, ambil anak anak angkat. Kalau tak mampu, buat baik dengan anak saudara. Kalau tak ada juga, belalah anak kucing. InsyaAllah doa-doa mereka ini diterima selepas kita dah mati. Yakinlah, sebab Tuhan tu tak kejam dan Maha Adil.
The truth is, since I was pregnant with my firstborn, I lost interest in making myself pretty.
I usually go out bare faced and this still goes on until now...In fact, I've lost most of my make-up items.
Recently, things have changed. Perhaps because I am carrying a girl...
But, I still prefer quick and easy make-ups, because I seriously think my bag will be heavy enough with baby items anyway! And I'm not the type who likes to carry bulky bags.
So, I opt for 2 in 1 make-up products instead.
So, I've bought these...
The first one is Laneige Lip Tint which can be used on the cheeks as well.
The second one is Mary Kay at Play Eye shadow and Liner.
Love both of them!
See...Easy right? Just bring 3 items in the bag (including a face powder) and I'm ready!
So, I made myself up and send pictures to my husband...
Me: Abang, I baru beli make-up! Cantik tak? Style rambut pendek macam ni pun macam cantik juga dengan I. Hahahaha...!
Husband: Cantik, cantik...Comel macam umur 18 tahun.
Waahhh...Husband I puji melampau...Macam teenager katanya...
I pun tersengih-sengih sendirian...Haha!
The not so good thing about wearing make-ups is...You need to make sure that you remove the make-ups before performing ablution and solat. Ahhhh...I was never particular about this before, but as I read more and more (and also sebab usia dah dekat nak mati, jadi memang ada rasa takut sikit), I don't want to risk my ibadat not being accepted. Dahlah solat pun masih lubang-lubang lagi...Errrkkk...I'm not perfect and I'm still trying! (Could try better though...I know, aku insan yang lemah!)
Macam leceh lah kan...Especially kalau tengah jalan-jalan tu...
Now, I need to add another item in my bag: Make-up remover wipes.
Perhaps, someone should invent 2-in-1 wipes: make-up remover and for baby bottom. Haha!
Let's see how long I can last wearing make-ups. I have a feeling I will become too lazy to remove the make-ups and re-apply them...
Bought a pair of pretty culottes, which in the picture, was worn by a model of 175cm height. Since I am more than 10cm shorter than her, I thought the length would be just nice on me...No! They are still short! Unless if I wear them with boots, or purposely wear them at the hips so they fall at my ankles.
"So, maksudnya, ketinggian I ni lebih kurang macam model tu," I told my husband, trying to make myself feel better.
"Return lah..." he said.
"Tapi seluar tu cantik! Boleh pakai duduk rumah...Tapi cantik sangatlah kalau nak buat duduk rumah."
I returned things only twice, both got lost and I didn't bother to follow up. Aishhhh...Tuh lah, sikap malas dan don't care ni memang tak mendatangkan faedah...That's the downside of online shopping. Kalau tersalah saiz ke, ada rosak sikit ke, I redha je...Tapi kalau physical shopping, mati-mati boleh tuntut keadilan. Haha!
Anyway, there's a few more things to buy for the baby. Hospital bag pun tak pack lagi and I'm freaking out. I simply wasted my 4 days of the recent extended weekend doing...nothing...
But i deserved it, okay! Coz once the baby is out, there will be no more days of doing nothing and resting! (Again, making excuses for myself)
Malas betul nak kerja esok..I also feel like a good doctor should give me an MC because no pregnant woman should spend more than an hour driving to work. What if tiba-tiba I sakit dalam kereta, while being stuck in the traffic, without my hospital bag, and no husband to come to my rescue? Tolonglah jangan nak drama...!
So, I was on MC, but I was feeling much better after I saw the doctor, so I went to a nearby mall instead for:
search for cheap baju kurung/ jubah I can actually fit
buy a confinement set
get a haircut
Actually, I forgot what my last intention was, but as I was about to pay for the parking ticket, I saw a hair salon.
You see, I'm not a regular to any hair salon. For many reasons:
- when I was young, Mother used to cut my hair
- then I went to a boarding school
- then college
- then university, which I returned to Malaysia only once a year (hair maintenance only once a year, haha)
- then got busy with work
- got married and moved with husband
- returned back to Klang Valley, donning the tudung
- I don't do small talk. I prefer my hairstylist to do his/ her job and don't ask personal questions. I guess, I am just not a friendly person...(I usually lie about what I do, or where I stay if they start to ask...Just for the fun of it. It's fun to pretend to be someone you are not. I've pretended to be a teacher, a nurse, a housewife...Next time, I'm going to pretend to be a nursery owner. Or a pilot. Haha...! I also lie about my son's age: "Ohhhh...He's only 6 months old, he's waiting for me at home...The hair treatment would take 2 hours, right? Nope, can't do...This treatment? I'm still breastfeeding, can't take that chemical either, sorry...")
I go anywhere I want. In fact, this is the first time I got a haircut Syariah compliant. Haha. I know...Even though I'm bertudung, I didn't know where to go! So, previously, I just played cool and took off my tudung and let everybody see my hair...I usually went in the morning when less people were around.
There was this sign in front of the door: for females only. So, I knew my modesty would be preserved. I went inside, and asked, "Lama ke kena tunggu?"
See...Pretended to be hurry because
- ada alasan tak nak cuci rambut
- wanted to avoid the traffic jam
I sat down...And she asked, "Nak potong macam mana?"
"Pendek," and I gestured the length I intended to go with:
This is just a regular shop. No consultation given. I didn't even flip the magazines to show her examples...
She quickly prepped me up, sprayed water, clipped my hair, grabbed her scissors, "Kak nak ikat?"
I said, "Tak."
Her version of short is different from mine! I guess she wasn't really paying attention when I showed her how short I wanted my hair to be. This is way too short!
I don't confront people lah, okay...I kan jenis senyap je...So, I tahan je lah dalam hati...I've tried short hair before and it doesn't look good on me.
Mother used to do short hair for me and I hated it. (My own pakcik neighbour had mistaken me as a boy when I was 8 years old!!!) I avoided the cut once I'm old enough to decide for myself.
And remember how I used to do a proper hair cut once a year as a university student?
So, one time, before I flew back to study, I decided to cut my hair really short (bob). I thought the result would be better if done by a professional...No.
To make matters worse, the place I was studying at was windy. So, I ended up with frizzy hair for the first few months, until it grew longer...
As pictured above, my hair is not exactly straight or curly.
Mula-mula potong, mestilah nampak okay, sebab dah kena blow and sikat rapi-rapi...
Demi memujuk hatiku...
Well, at least I'm wearing tudung now. And my inner will keep my hair from getting too frizzy...
Now, I look like this:
You think they are pretty?
Now, try to imagine and replace those pretty faces with an Asian face: small eyes, flat nose, thick lips, no sharp, pointy features present...
I'm actually waiting for my pregnancy check-up, it's only 10.15am and battery is already left to 69%.
All because of 1 client.
Contact orang sana sini.
I already prepared myself to do light duty only. But my boss came to me, and asked me to handle a big portion of the workload.
"Because Kim is new...She previously worked in other departments...Hash is taking care of that side...I need someone senior...I can't depend on Tini."
I half-heartedly agreed to take on the challenge, with a warning, "I'm not going to be around always. My appointment is getting more frequent!"
Then, my boss bothers me like today lah! She wants an email lah, call for an update lah...Manalah I tau, I'm not at work today. Tapi, I had to convey the message to the person in charge pulak.
Anyway...Saja je nak complaint...Hehe. I'm lazy to wash baby clothes...Can I just not wash them? My husband used to do it for me...Now, I know my maid will do, but...I nak kasih sayang I melekat dekat baju baju tu. (I know how ridiciulous this sounds) Tapi I malas. How?
Orang yang pergi shopping dekat overseas, they don't even bring back the boxes, right? Kotak jeeeee...
Is it valuable to you?
I completely screamed at her for a good 15 minutes and just banned her from entering my room forever. Like, really, really exploded.
What annoys me the most is...She keeps my son's Lego box, but not my pretty pink box. Idiot.
Arghhh...Now, I am super mad again just thinking about it.
She kept saying that the box was empty.
Masalahnya, itu kotak handbag hantaran saya. It holds a sentimental value. Because that was the first designer handbag that my husband bought for me. And when I married him, he was not even rich, but he still got me a designer bag. I told him if he wanted to splurge for the wedding, splurge on my hantaran gifts. Hantaran I pun tak banyak. 5 dulang je. Satu designer watch, satu designer handbag. Yang lain tu, cheque hantaran/ cincin, telekung and sirih junjung/ kek.
I complained to my husband and he said he will buy me a new one. But it's not the same...I am not lusting over any Miu Miu bag now, I don't want my husband to buy one just so that I can get a new pink box.
I shouted like a crazy woman. She should use her common sense lah okay...Kotak tisu dia simpan, kotak yang cantik cantik dia pergi buang, hello, even if it was not Miu Miu, but with that kind of material, you can tell the box is little bit more expensive than a regular box, like RM20 ke...
What would you do if it happens to you? I mean, it is just one box, and it is just Miu Miu...I je yang jakun sangat...Kalau I ni memang orang kaya-kaya, mesti tak hairan pun, kan?
Apalah masalah hati rapuh I ni...
Lepas ni dah tak ada flight MAS KL-Amsterdam. I watched the video of the last flight departing, and I cried.
I don't know why I got so emotional. Perhaps it's because MAS/ MAB is no longer one of the best airlines in the world...
Anyway, Mother was asking why do I need Clevamama 10 in 1 pillow. Why can't I just get a normal, cheaper nursing pillow.
Well, I anticipate that this child is going to be smaller. Like, less than 3kg in weight. Perut I kan kecik. The nurses always need to refer me to the doctor for the small tummy. The good thing about this pregnancy, so far, I don't have problem with hemorrhoids. Hurrahhh!!! When I was pregnant with Baby K, defecating was painful and bloody! So, that is another reason how I know that I am carrying less weight on me...
But, can't say too soon, eh...Who knows, this baby might decide to grow rapidly at the end of my pregnancy.
Ahhh...Back to Mother's question, yeah...Since it comes with a body/ head support too, I think it will be a good investment. Baby K was fine without all this support thing, I even swaddle him less than I was supposed to, because he was big and long...He was only 3 kg at birth, but to me, any Malaysian baby weighing more than 3kg and above at birth, is considered huge. Europeans average weight is more than 3.5kg though. Somehow, my friends who gave birth overseas meet their standards too. Besarnyaaaa...I wonder why...Is it the food? The weather?
Right now, Baby K is 29 months old. Let me document a bit about his character:
- still calls me Gegurl (-_____-")
- refuses to do his number two on the toilet bowl. Whenever he needs to go, he will ask for a diaper
- kuat berpeluh like his father
- and when he is sweaty, he would itch, especially when he's asleep
- whenever I'm around, he would wake up multiple times during his sleep. But, he's better when he sleeps with his grandmother, or when he sleeps with my husband and I'm already off to work. Why!!! Is it my scent?
- likes to tease his parents. Pretend play a lot
- he knows whenever I'm really mad at him. When this happens, he would be quiet and his face would change. He would not wail, but there would be tears rolling down his cheeks. He would cry quietly, just like me. This is the indication that he is truly sad and not pretending
- he doesn't like the naughty chair. The other day, I wanted to punish him, but this smart boy ran to his father instead. Ish...
- whenever he is truly sad, he would isolate himself. He would go into a room, having a strike. If I follow him, he would protest and ask me to wait outside. So, usually, I let him have his own sweet time, then only I come to pujuk
- I can't force him to do things he doesn't want to. Nak mandi? Pujuk with toys. Nak makan? Play with him. Nak tidur? He has to agree to switch off the lights. Dictation doesn't get him anywhere
- Likes to throw things. OMG! I seriously think he gets this from my husband's genes. What's your problem?!
- I do spank him. I spank his hands whenever he throws things on purpose. Especially food and books.
Okay lah. Tu je setakat ni...Banyak lagi sebenarnya, but I have other things to do.
Although my due date is in March, I'm about 80% done with the things I need to prepare to welcome this baby. This is in terms of the things I want/ need to buy.
Other things that we already own are still in the state I used to live. So, once my husbands bring them back here, we will be ready.
My husband was supposed to bring them last week, but the only thing he brought back was the stupid playgym.
Me: You bawa ni je? Mana katil?
Husband: Katil pun nak juga ke? I ingatkan you nak ini je.
Me: Benda ni murah, dahlah mainan dia banyak dah hilang. Baik beli baru. Ni dah lunyai!
I tried not to lose my temper. I should have just thrown away the playgym. People give playgyms as gifts, I will receive one after I deliver. If I don't, I will buy one. We don't need a playgym for a newborn!
He came back without telling me, that's why I didn't give him the list.
Me: So, you balik bawa kereta ni sia-sia je lah.
Him: Ala, nanti I datang lagi.
Me: Kenapa you balik tak bagitau?
Him: Saja, nak surprise. I tak plan nak drive sebenarnya. I ingatkan nak naik flight. Tapi bila I keluarkan kereta nak pergi airport, I terus drive sampai sini.
He does this often. Memanglah best bila di surprise, but I already reminded him for so many times to tell me if he ever comes back with a car, because I need him to bring me things!
That night, he brought us to dinner. Before we arrived at the restaurant, he stopped for petrol.
Me: Aik, kenapa pakai Petron? (He usually uses Shell)
Him: Saja...I nak try minyak Blaze 100.
Him: Macam V-Power...RON 97...Tapi ni 100, paling latest punya. Haaa...Cuba you rasa, sedap kan?
Then it hit me- he came with the car secara spontan ni sebab nak try minyak! I know him, he would totally do something like this!
Because I'm pregnant and hormonal, I was hurt. My husband ni tak fikir ke pasal anak. There are so many things he could have brought back: the playpen, the baby mattress, the pillow set, the Fisher Price bouncer, the box where I put all my unused pantang items and my bengkung, the baby bathtub. Itu belum masuk kalau I minta he brings the loose, small items lagi, the baju, the mittens, the swaddles, all kept nicely in the baby drawer.
Geram gila I.
Even though he said he could bring them next time, I know it will be very tight. He will go abroad for 2 weeks soon. And he certainly could not come the week before that because he needs to attend a course. So, this weekend? Well, he will still be here! The week after he comes back? What if I already deliver at that time! How can I be at peace waiting for my delivery when I don't even know where my baby would be sleeping. Plus, kena buat laundry semua!
That's why lah I prepare early, because I don't want to mengangkut barang seorang diri.
I stress okay! So, now, I am on a strike, I don't care, I'm going silent sebab I memang tak puas hati. He doesn't even get what my concerns are, I pun malas nak explain, sebab nanti he would say that I nag too much. Tapi, my husband tu kan memang blur. Sampaikan when he talks to me, I have to tell him, "I don't want to talk to you." Kalau I diam je, memang dia takkan tak tahu pasal this cold war. Now that I already declare that I refuse to talk to him, I hope he makes up to me big time!
Eeee...I am mad at myself too because I don't know why I need to find the best bargain for something I really want. Tengoklah my husband tu, he spends so much, why must I kena fikir tentang pembaziran.
Haaa, nak senang, beli je semua set baru. Let us have double of everything. You don't want to bring them over, just buy me new ones! He would be happy to do it sebab tak menyusahkan dia, but I will end up rasa semak je...Like, why do I need two of this?
I spend so much time hunting for the best price, using vouchers that would give me the lowest value, I downloaded so many apps so that I can compare the prices. You think it's easy?
It is all worth it when your research becomes fruitful. For example, I got this new Clevamama 10 in 1 nursing pillow for RM250 only. The price from Mothercare is RM370. Asked a personal shopper in UK, she also quoted RM370. Online, it is roughly RM320. Found the cheapest at RM280, and negotiated for RM250. So happy! The seller said okay in the spirit of CNY katanya...First time I negotiate macam ni and buat COD- sebab takut kena tipu, why so cheap...
But, it is becoming exhausting. After some time, you will get used to the high price, in the end, you rasa macam, "Oohh...It's not that expensive...Beli je lah! Malas nak fikir..."
That's what happened to me. I ada terbeli this swaddle for RM200. Like, what the hell, one single swaddle for RM200! Special sangat ke? I was tempted by, "It gives you 2 hours extra sleep." My sleep is precious. Plus, I tell myself not to berkira dengan anak.
I'm so scared my daughter ni suka nangis and susah nak tidur. Because that's what I do in this pregnancy. Asyik menangis je, and having difficulties to fall asleep. Haishhh...
Just before I went out for a quick shopping while Baby K was sleeping, Mother suggested me to take her to my aunt's house. She casually told me that my cousin, who used to be a stay-at-home mom, is now back to work.
"So, who is taking care of the children?" I asked.
"Ohh...She has a maid now?"
"Agaknya lah. Sebab anak dia sendiri 2 orang. Lepas tu, tambah lagi 2 orang. Mestilah ada orang tolong."
"Kenapa kerja balik?" I asked. "Sebab ekonomi gawat ke?"
" Dia dah bercerailah..."
I didn't ask further about it. Malas nak masuk campur hal rumah tangga orang. Lagipun, I can't really be listening to rumours, unless it comes from my cousin herself.
Anyway, we knew her marriage was on the rocks. It was supposed to be hush hush thing, but it turned out my other cousin knew about it too. Aiyoo...
The thing is, why do people tend to blame the woman?
It happens that her, now ex-husband is a likeable person. He is friendly, quite good looking...
So, when my cousin got mad because he was texting another woman from work, many thought she was overreacting.
"Oohhh...Tak ada apalah...Ali tu kan baik...Rajin masak...Dia tu memang jenis peramah...Tu kawan kerja je tu...Biasalah kalau dengan kawan tempat kerja..."
"Ala...Masalahnya, Mimi tu tak kerja. Bila tak kerja, mudah rasa inferior. Banyak fikir bukan-bukan..."
Waahhh...Jadi housewife pulak dipersalahkan.
I mean, if there's really nothing, why did you lafaz cerai? Why can't you just pujuk her and give her the reassurance she needed?
Same goes to Fasha Sandha and her ex-husband. People keep saying, "It's karma."
Well, well, well...What about the guy?!!! He wanted her too, if not, why did he let Nora Danish go? What karma has fallen onto the guy, huh?
Oh, well, nak komen banyak-banyak pun tak boleh sebab tak tahu keadaan sebenar.
Right now, I'm worried for our future, the future of our country.
If Father was alive, he would've been devastated to see the current state we are in right now.
On Facebook, one of the products of Qu Puteh got banned. Most have uneducated comments.
I don't know lah whether Malaysia really has a lot of uneducated people, or, educated people simply just don't comment on anything that's outside of their knowledge.
These people haa...They really like to play the racial card, which I absolutely hate.
Like, "Biasalah...Nak jatuhkan perniagaan orang Melayu..."
"Melayu penuh dengan perasaan hasad dengki."
This has got nothing to do with Melayu atau tak. Kalau dah bahaya tu, bahaya je lah. Apa kena mengena dengan bangsa pula ni? Bila KKM buat kerja, you guys tak nak percaya. Bila jadi bahaya apa-apa kelak, you all akan salahkan KKM jugak.
You want to be racist? Be racist to your own race. It's a disease, you know. Malays like to put blames on others. Otak tu sempit sangat...
That's why I'm so upset when I found out there will be no government sponsorship to further studies.
Islam encourages us to berhijrah, belajar sampai ke negeri China, merantau mencari ilmu, don't be comfortable at one place. Do you know why? So, we can learn about other cultures, be more global, gain more knowledge and experiences.
Nanti, tinggallah rakyat-rakyat yang kolot macam ni.
Disclaimer: I'm not looking down at the local graduates at all, in fact, I, myself am currently pursuing my post grad studies in one of the local univeristies. It's just that, I feel that it's very important to expose ourselves to other environments- hence, grabbing whatever opportunities to explore the world.
It's different tau, going for a vacation and actually living and blending in with other people. Learning how it feels to be a minority in a foreign place for a change. Have people look down to you just because you are different, doing a dirty somewhat degrading job that people think only stupid people do it, when in fact you are actually a PhD student, for example.
Yes, you can learn all about this if you have good teachers. Besides, we have the Internet, information at the tip of the fingers. But, may I remind you:
- Experience is the best teacher of all.
- Information is not knowledge.
So, I am asking my husband to save up so we can provide the best education for our children.
Anyway, I may not able to convey what I'm really trying to say, but with this limited writing skills that I have, I hope people can understand the messages.
Do you know what I worry about?
About us, who think we are becoming more Islamic, pakai jubah dan hijab, ada private school Islam, pre-school pun Islamic with English medium, but in actual fact, kita ni semakin mundur tanpa disedari. Kita je perasan kita ni lagi bagus dari orang-orang zaman mak bapak, datuk moyang kita...Dulu-dulu, at least, they exchanged food with their neighbours, tapi zaman sekarang, we tend to question every single little thing. Ini tak halal, tu tak halal, ini halal tapi tak toyyiban, ini halal diragui walaupun dah ada cop halal, airlines ni airlines halal, nak naik keretapi halal...WTF!