Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Current mood: FML.

FML= fuck my life.


Sometimes, I feel guilty for not telling everything I know about someone else to my bestfriend.

Like the time I knew her roommate would be a disaster. I thought it was the right thing to do because I didn't know her personally and I didn't want to spread false rumours about her.

The roommate then slept with someone's fiance. The guy stopped talking to the fiance. The marriage was postponed. The fiance knows nothing while everybody else knows what's going on.

My bestfriend hates her roommate because of that.
She questioned why I didn't tell her earlier.

My friend fancied a man 18 years older than us and he has 6 kids.

My response was, "OMG. Oh tuhanku. Ya Allah."

She said not to worry yet.

I then recalled the time I watched a comedy film. The protagonist was involved in a road traffic accident and he thought he was on fire, so he ran around shouting, "Oh, God. Oh, Jesus save me. Help me, Allah. Mother Theresa! Oprah...?"

I thought that was funny, I laughed out loud. I was told it was not funny, I shouldn't laughed and I should bertaubat.

My friend was proposed after about 2 months going out with this guy. He even thought of the theme colour for their engagement ceremony.

My friend drove to his hometown because he wanted to introduce her to his parents. She waited at the mosque and he was supposed to come and fetch her. My friend looked her best wearing the most beautiful baju kurung and tudung.

He texted her saying his sister borrowed his car and she was not home yet. He couldn't come to the mosque to get her.

My friend thought that was fine, she could drive to his house by herself.

The guy said not to come.

She wasted 4 hours driving and waiting for this jerk.

She forgave him.

If I was her, I'd say FML.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

not okay

I'm quite tired and negative lately. Apart from being lonely, I feel like I have noone I can depend on.

Nowadays, I keep bottling my feelings inside me. My issues are sensitive and I have to consider how others might have felt too. That's why I can't be too open about it especially to the people who know who I am talking about. I don't want them to judge.

Sometimes, just to make myself feel better, I tell myself this is my jihad kecil. At other times, I feel the need to help myself and I'm thinking to see a psychologist or a counsellor, at the very least.

I end up seeing my imaginary friends instead.

I also realize I've been talking to myself out loud lately. I hope it will help.

I didn't tell you this earlier, (or did I? I can't remember) but my boyfriend had asked my parents whether it's okay if he brings his family to see mine. He had been told, "Not now".

Not now. He received the same answer for more than a couple of times he tried.

Since then, a lot has happened. We were both stressed and this led to many big arguments. He said I was pushy and impatient, I said he was a coward and slow, he said my parents like to look down at people, I said he was rude for even thinking as such.

After all the bickerings, he said, "Why don't you find somebody else?" and I can't lose, I said, "Fine. There's a lot of men out there who would treat me nicer, you are the one who's supposed to feel lucky to have me. Look at you, sedarlah diri tu sikit!"

I hate it when he becomes cocky, he'd say, "Noone will be as nice as me. Try la cari."

Somehow, whenever we wanted to end things, we can't. He thinks it's not worth it to throw away the years we've had together and I, I don't know, I love him but I've been taught that we can't always have the things we want.

It's complicated and it's difficult. I realize that we both are becoming more and more distant from each other. I don't know whether he realizes this or not. But this realization hurts. I really don't want to make a huge deal out of it, I am a mature lady and I can handle this. Nevertheless, it still hurts and humiliating since I used to have so much faith in us.

I do still love him, but being on and off is not cool. It's childish and I'm looking for a more stable relationship. I won't blame him or myself, things just happen. Looking at the bright side, it will be easier since this is gradual and mutual and we both see it coming. Deep down, I still have a glimmer of hope, hoping that we will eventually work out.

He knows this. For the past few weeks, I've been declaring myself single and looking even though we are still together. We agree that if we found someone else, it will be okay.

Okay. :(

So, cepatlah approach saya. Maybe we need something fresh.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

no title

I have always thought my boyfriend has a more interesting life than mine.

I was proven right last night.

Him: Sayang, I nak cerita dekat you pasal I masuk kampung orang asli!
Me: Ha, apa dia?
Him: Kelakarlah orang asli...(Laughs)
Me: Apa dia yang kelakar sangat?
Him: I nampak live boobies! (Laughs)
Me: Okay... (...) Did you enjoy your trip?
Him: You tahu tak apa diorang bagi as my farewell gift?
Me: Apa?
Him: Burung merpati!
Me: Putih ke hitam?
Him: Putihlah! Dapat 2 ekor. Tapi I lepaskan sebab kasihan.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend's office was caught on fire. He was such a drama queen, he and the other two guys who were in the office ran for their lives.
My boyfriend even thought of jumping from the fourth floor but changed his mind because he was scared of height.

I was concerned, so I asked,
Me: Tell me what happened. How did the fire start?
Him: Entah. Litar pintas kot...
Me: (Laughs) Funny lah you said lintar pintas! Short circuit lah!
Him: (Laughs) Okay, short circuit.
Me: So, apa yang terbakar? Which part yang terbakar?
Him: Ala, dekat area meeting room tu...Habis file semua terbakar...
Him: Dokumen penting tu!
Me: Jadi, api tu kecik aje lah!
Him: (Laughs) A ah, kecik je...
Me: Kenapa tak padam sendiri!
Him: Kitorang takut...Dah semua orang lari...
Me: (Laughs) And the firemen came?
Him: A ah. Diorang cakap, "La...Ini padam sendiri pun boleh!"
Me: (Laughs) Bongoklah korang ni!
Him: It was so funny...Lari siap tarik-tarik baju lagi!
Me: Oh my God, korang ni macam budak-budak.
Him: Ramli Gemok* lari sampai berpeluh-peluh...Sampai ada orang cakap dia nampak kurus lepas tu...(Laughs)
Me: (Laughs)
Him: Bomba cakap, kalau api lagi besar, mesti Ramli Gemok* boleh jadi kurus lagi sebab lagi laju dia lari...

My boyfriend said his office is haunted.

Me: Mana ada hantu! I pernah duduk office you sorang-sorang, tak kena kacau pun!
Him: Betul, sayang! Satu malam tu, I dengar tapak kaki. Lepas tu gelas air I bergerak, terus I keluar office tak padam lampu!
Me: Gelas you bergerak macam mana?
Him: Air berkocak-kocak.
Me: That's not 'bergerak'! Suka exaggerate lah you ni! Tak ada hantulah. Air tu bergegar sebab you terlanggar meja...
Him: Betul! Tiba-tiba je bergegar...I nak buat solat hajat dalam office, baca Yasin nak halau hantu.
Me: Penakutlah you ni. Tak ada hantu! Kenapa hantu tu tak pernah kacau I?
Him: Hantu tu baru datang kot...Atuk Zaman* tu bela hantu. I rasa hantu tu ikut Zaman*.
Me: Kenapa dia tak kacau Zaman* je?
Him: Zaman* pun takut. Hari tu dia suruh I temankan dia masa dia tertinggal fail dekat office.
Me: (Laughs) Beranilah sikit! Percayalah cakap I, tak ada hantu!

Me? I have no story...I'm so boring!

Friday, February 20, 2009

the mind of a criminal

What my boyfriend said one day:
I selalu ingat you. I selalu cerita pasal you dekat kawan-kawan I. I cakap, you ni baik. "Masa aku beritahu Ectopy pasal Farid* larikan duit orang, dia tak marah pun, tak kutuk-kutuk pun Farid*. Dia cakap, 'Kasihan Farid*. Dia tak ada duit ke?'"

I was surprised he remembers that insignificant event. I didn't know my sympathy towards Farid* had a huge impact on my boyfriend.

Farid* has a long history of being manipulative and a compulsive liar.
My boyfriend and Farid* were supposed to close a business deal with Anthony* but my boyfriend backed out after Farid* stabbed him.

So, Anthony* was left with Farid*. Anthony* is a Mat Salleh who was interested in buying a property in Malaysia. He never stepped a foot into this country but he fully trusted Farid*. I don't know what the details are, but he ended up giving the down payment money to Farid* and Farid* cut all contacts with him and disappeared.

Mind you, this is not the first time Farid* has pulled a stunt like that. But somehow, I don't know, I believe no man is evil in this world (except the Zionists, haha). I believe, all criminals in this world commit crimes because they are either
- desperate
- crazy
- traumatised by their childhood upbringing
- stupid
- don't realize it would cause harms

Because even criminals are humans, there are mothers who love them, wives who adore them. Can you imagine your father in the prison, although you love him so much, the others hate him and you know your father didn't mean to do bad things, it must be heartbroken for you to see other people who can't see the goodness in him...We can't be quick to jump into conclusions because we don't know these people...

Okay, now I am babbling because I'm getting a bit emotional. Kesian!

Perhaps I'm naive in this, but seriously, is there truly an evil person out there who just wants to hurt other people for no reason? I'd call that crazy.

That's why I sympathised him instead. What drove him to steal? There must be an underlying problem to it, there must be! Farid* is 'budak koleq', he is smart, a bit lazy but smart, he had good education, so what went wrong? His broken family?

My boyfriend's aunt said I have a neat body. She literally said, "Body kemas".
I just had to laugh when my boyfriend told me this. What did she mean by that!

She was describing how I look like to my boyfriend's cousin.

My boyfriend confidently said it means I have a nice body.
I didn't believe him because no aunt would describe a girl by her body type! She would say I am pretty, I am a nice girl, I am polite or I am shy, but no way an elderly would say this girl's body is mantap! Tipu okay! Especially when my body is not mantap to begin with!

I believe she just thinks I am neatly dressed. Haha. It still cracks me up.


When I was little, I went to a Sekolah Agama and the teachers taught us how to pray. One of the ustadz said, "Dalam sembahyang tak boleh gerak lebih dari 3 kali berturut-turut!"

I asked, "Tapi kalau mulut gerak-gerak tu?"

"Kalau mulut, tak apa lah!" he smiled and left me confused.

I started to learn fasting when I was 9. At 11, I wanted to collect all my pahala, so I decided to fast 100%. By that, I meant, I didn't allow myself to even swallow my own saliva.

It was quite difficult since I had to be in my class. So, I took many tissue papers with me and spat in them everytime I felt my saliva accumulated in my mouth. Disgusting.

This only lasted a few days though because I never saw the ustadz spat while he was teaching. He must be swallowing his own saliva too.

What can we learn here?
Kids pay attention to details!
And they are naive little creatures.

I told a friend of mine, Amy, about another friend who has too much money in his hands, he bought a car for his girlfriend just after a few months dating her.

Perhaps because of the way I brought up, I thought that was simply wrong.

Amy, on the hand, argued that the car must have been bought under his name, so, technically, the car is his.

Well, my friend isn't the one driving that car!

"It's like a loan to his girlfriend," Amy said.

"No. He bought it just because his girlfriend could use it. Besides, if I were the girl, I wouldn't even accept it! Would you? Baru berapa bulan bercinta!" I asked.

"I would. I would treat it like a loan. Pinjam saja. Tak apalah! Kalau break-up, pulangkan balik..." she replied.


Okay, I've discussed this with many people and this was the first time I met somebody who confessed that she wouldn't refuse an expensive loan.

My parents would scold me if they see me driving a new car, every single day, to work.

"Ni kereta siapa ni?" they'd ask.
"Kereta ni boyfriend bagi pinjam..."
"Boyfriend yang baru kenal tak sampai 6 bulan tu? Habis, dia pergi kerja macam mana?" they'd ask.
"Dia ada kereta lain..."
"Kenapa nak mengada-ngada nak pinjam kereta orang ni? Kalau accident macam mana?" they'd ask.
"Ala, dah orang bagi pinjam, ambil je lah, untuk kemudahan juga..."
(Confirm kena pelempang lepas tu. Haha, no lah, my parents won't literally slap me...)

"Jangan jadi perempuan murah! Kalau dia bagi kamu pinjam kereta dia, kamu pula bagi dia pinjam apa!"

Do you remember Noritta? That 22-year-old girl who was found dead in an apartment unit.

When the news broke, my friends and I always wondered, why didn't her parents suspect her activities? Did they really think that she could afford living lavishly at a very young age working as an 'executive'? At that time, we couldn't understand it because it sounded too foreign to us, we thought no parents in this world could be that ignorant!

Now I know. They do exist. Adults can be naive too.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


I bloghopped and read the exciting new blog I've just discovered, before I saw my blog being linked in that blog.

And I carved my first smile of today that instance.

Thank you.

It's funny how a simple, random thing like that could brighten me up a little. Comel.

Do you know what I want to be?

I want to be that woman- although she lost her husband and 5 children in different tragedies consecutively, she could still smile and be thankful.

Do you know what I don't want to be?

Someone who is not careful with her words. Words can hurt deep.

Before I end, here's a friendly reminder.

I want to advise my readers to be smart shoppers especially when spending thousands of bucks.
Tak kesahlah if you found evidences on the internet yang mengatakan that item will work. Itu namanya bukti yang tidak sahih. Orang yang nak menjual akan membuat marketing yang macam-macam, paham? Banyak info putar belit dan tak tepat.
Saya nampak dengan mata kepala sendiri, serious.
Kalau nak buat research, tanya orang yang lebih arif dalam bidang itu.
Dan silalah guna logic fikiran sendiri samada sesuatu akan 'work' atau tidak.
Perlukah saya elaborate lagi?

Saya bukan jealous. Saya cuma mengingatkan.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

now and then

The same problem occurs almost every single time.
I have so many things to share but in the end, I decide not to because my anonymity will be in jeopardy if I proceed with my story.

As a result to that, this space where I should write the draft for my next blogpost, was empty for two hours before I typed and erased and typed again.

What a waste of my time!

I really miss my school friends. As I was growing up, people always say the best time of your life is your college or university days. Well, I guess that couldn't be applied to my life.

I used to make friends easily, but beginning my late teens and early twenties, I created a wall where only a few, selected people are allowed to be close to me, but not as close as the ones who grew up with me. I just find it difficult to open up to strangers. At the same time, my childhood friends and I started to drift apart. Ini namanya, yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran. Akhirnya, siapa yang rugi? Siapa yang lonely? Myself. I am all alone, stuck and static.

Not that I have no good friends now, but the chemistry is not like what I had with my old friends. My school friends and I, we used to understand each other, completely, ALL of us. Although there were 3 or 6 or 24 of us, we still got along very well and nobody was left behind or made to feel neglected.

The friends I used to have were true friends, because they were the ones who stood up for me.
Maybe it was natural for that age, the hormones that made us stick together, to become rebellious when one of us was offended.
When one was kicked out of the class, another would follow, ignoring the teacher's demand. When one was kicked out of school, we pleaded to the teachers to please forgive him. When he did not attend the next class, the atmosphere just fell silent, one or two wept, because we missed him. Pens were flying, tables were kicked, things were broken, people were pushed, as signs of protest because one talked bad about me. Comel.

I miss that bond.

We hated hypocrites and none of us was.

Compared to now, adults are more prone to go with the flow, they don't hold to a principle which you should be loyal to your friends. Since I left school, I've met too many who simply agree when somebody he/ she is close to is being thrashed. To me, that's backstabbing. I've met too many who hide certain important information from everybody else to reduce competitions. To me, that's selfish and stingy. I've met too many who whine and complaints when being asked for help. To me, that's insincerity. I've met too many who lie to your face, but at the same time, they can be inappropriately truthful. Shouldn't a 'friend' back you up and tell white lies to the superiors when you are in trouble?

Nowadays, all that we could think of is 'nak jaga periuk nasi masing-masing'. We are too careful in every move and every word. All in the name of reputation.

Tell me, have you ever had a sleepover with your colleagues from work? From my personal experience, I always go back to my old friends even if I were to organize a slumber party, they are the people I am most comfortable with, even if it has been months since we last talked. The only time I spend the night with my colleagues is when we have to finish work.

In the old days, my friends used to know me inside out. What happened at home, we exhanged our deepest, darkest secrets and fears, we talked about fathers who had secret wives, uncles who we bumped into in a club with a girl who could be as young as us, mothers who serang the new wife with a parang, we talked about our drunk cousins, runaway brothers, the sex book our parents gave for our 16th birthday, the porn movie we attempted to watch, grandparents who were cult members... Those were our story, inside and out.

I miss those days, when susah senang bersama...

Sekarang ni, jangan haraplah if we were to reveal our secrets...Membuka pekung di dada namanya...

I still call them my bestfriends, but the reality is, they were my bestfriends. And I miss them too. One is too busy with work (she's a doctor is a government hospital), one is too busy with her family and the new baby, two are settling in the States. Sure, we make the effort to organize a get-together when we could and we still have fun when we are at it, but we are not on the same wavelenghts anymore, if you know what I mean...

I miss them. Sometimes, I wish the Internet was invented and developed earlier so I was always in touch with them from the time we left school, so we never drifted apart.

My current bestfriend is my boyfriend. How sad is that! Lucky that I have another bestfriend whom I update my life to every two or three weeks, at least ada tempat meluahkan perasaan when the boyfriend is acting like a jerk. But he's a guy, he tends to support the XY gene and my boyfriend tends to get jealous with our relationship. I want a girl bestfriend too, someone who could multitask, bitching and shopping with me at the same time!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

ego boost

I was upset with my boyfriend for a few days already but we had our official argument yesterday.

We were talking on the phone and I had raised my voice while expressing my dissatisfactions toward our relationship.

I gathered the evidences of his insensitivity towards my feeling and at first, he had to stop me from going on and on about it because he said, "Tak payahlah nak ungkit, I malu jugak lah for what I've done to you. I tahulah you ni baik and I mengakulah yang I ni tak pandai sangat nak layan you. Benda tu kan cerita lama, nanti I berubah lah...I am sorry, okay?"

Of course, I couldn't stop right there and then, I needed to have my last say. I responded to him and suddenly, I heard his colleagues' voices in the background.

And at the same time, it seemed like I had pushed his patience to its limits, so he kinda yelled at me back and went something like this, "You ni kan, fikir diri you je. Selama ni, apa you buat dekat I, I sabar je," and he began to list down the 'bad' things I did to him.

Hoh, lawan tokey!

Actually, I like it when he stands up for himself rather than letting me bully him constantly. It would create a time for me to listen and compose myself. I admit I could be selfish sometimes especially when I am with my boyfriend. So, when he gets a grip of me, I would settle down.

However, that is not the point of this blogpost.

I have noticed that my boyfriend would get defensive and in control in the presence of his friends. Such big ego, he has!

After we made up, yesterday was the first time I mentioned it to him.

Me: You kata you tak pernah nak marah-marah I, tapi baru je tadi you marah I.
Him: I tak marahlah tadi...
Me: Eleh, I tahu, bila kawan you ada, mulalah nak tunjuk garang dekat I.
Him: Ye ke? (Laughs for a very long time)
Me: Come on lah, I know you. I dengar suara kawan-kawan you masuk office tadi. Lepas tu, tiba-tiba je berani melawan balik. Before this pun macam tu juga.
Him: You perasan ke? Malulah I...Mesti kena tunjuk macho sikit depan diorang. Diorang tak tahu, I ni sebenarnya takut bini.
Me: I faham sangat. Nasib baik I ni baik tau. I bagi chance dekat you tunjuk tough depan your friends. Kalau ikut hati tadi, I jerit dalam telefon sampai satu office tu dengar. Berani you nak lawan I, ye...
Him: (Laughs) Tu yang I suka dekat you, you pandai jaga air muka I. Ala, tapi si Fahmi* tu sama juga. Bila depan kitorang, kalau gaduh, garang gila dengan girlfriend dia...Tapi belakang kitorang, macam tikus. Ini rahsia, tau! Hahahaha...
Me: (Laughs) Apa punya perangai korang ni...
Him: I minta maaf eh tadi? Sorry ye?

Sekali sekala, I let him have his moment even when we are in the middle of an argument. I am such a great girlfriend, no?

But I think it's funny-lah, tiba-tiba keluar ego pula depan kawan-kawan. Nak tunjuk hebatlah tu...

I bet your boyfriend/ husband is just the same. Try la observe...

(Fahmi* is my boyfriend's best friend.)