Friday, September 14, 2012

A few days ago,

Me: Come on, cheer me up. Tell me something, anything!

Friend: Well, my ex Liyana is getting married next Saturday. Should I go or should I not go?

Me: Oh, God, please don't refer her as your ex. As far as I know, you guys weren't really in a relationship. In fact, dalam banyak-banyak ex-girlfriend that you have, none can really be called your ex-girlfriend!

My friend, my good friend of 10 years now.

Dated many people, told me he was in a relationship 3 times, I never met any of the girlfriends!

Patut ke tak patut? Asyik tengok gambar je...Padahal semua pun duduk dekat Klang Valley je.

Everytime he told me he was in a relationship, I got excited. Ye lah, excited lah nak kawan-kawan dengan my good friend's girlfriends!


Last year,

Friend: I'm bored. Let's go out, have lunch and watch a movie, maybe.
Me: Yeay! I'm free today! Let's!

So, we met.

Me: So, how's your girlfriend?
Friend: I don't know. The last time we talked was on...Hmm...Wait, let me recall...Two weeks ago.

Me: How can you not call her for 2 weeks!
Friend: Because I've been busy.

Me: But, but...Your offices are just like, 10 minutes away from each other!

Me: If you're bored, why didn't you ask her out today?
Friend: Don't know.


Last year,

Me: Yeay! Singapore! Why don't you ask Liyana to come too?
Friend: Eh? Tak payahlah...

Me: Does she even know that you are going to Singapore?


5 years ago,

Friend: I broke up with Shima.
Me: Eh, why? I never even met her yet!

Friend: It's not working. I'm not into her.
Me: Then, why did you ask her to be your girlfriend then?

Friend: I was lonely.

Me: You're so jahat.
Friend: I'm not a bad boyfriend. I bought iPod Touch for her! I always called her. Chatted with her. I brought her to my friend's wedding.

Me: But she loves you so much. Look at the stuffs she sent.
Friend: I know...Look, look at this.

Me: What's this?

It was a jar filled with lovey-dovey messages she wrote and made into origami little stars.

Me: Oh. my God. This is so sweet!
Friend: She told me to read one star a day.

Friend: I was excited at first, but then I got bored.
Me: But, but, what if there's a hidden message she's trying to let you know?!

Friend: Never thought of that before.
Me: How could you! Now, we have to read them all to that!

Friend: Let's do that!

Some of the messages made me go Awww, but I don't remember what she wrote. What I know is, it was a really sweet gesture of her. Then I said things to make my friend feel guilty for breaking up with her. Haha.

(Then, we found out her mother passed away and she also flunked her final year exam. Ouch.)


10 years ago,

Friend: I am not speaking to Faiz or Aisyah again. Diorang dua boleh pergi mampus.

Aisyah left my friend for his bestfriend, Faiz.


Me: Oh, God, please don't refer her as your ex. As far as I know, you guys weren't really in a relationship. In fact, dalam banyak-banyak ex-girlfriend that you have, none can really be called your ex-girlfriend!

Do you think my friend is secretly gay?

He never texted me back afterwards. Dah 3 hari dah. Alamak, takkan nak terasa pulak dah...!
Been secluding myself from any social interactions because I think it's best for now. Lunch hour, I'd rather go home. Isolate myself from gossips.

Yesterday, I decided to get a haircut which I did not like. Stupid hairdresser. It's always a gamble, me and my hair.

Cried on the way home and partially blamed my husband for my hair- if he had taken me sooner, I'd probably get a different result.
Men. They don't get it when I'm upset over a small thing like that, it means there is a bigger issue behind it.
Men. So my husband said, it was my fault because I didn't tell my hairdresser that I was not happy. He said, I should've told him what I wanted because we are the customers and we pay him.

Yeah, I don't need all that logic that I already made sense of.

So I snapped and cried even more.

Arrived home and got a big, warm hug from him.

I was not crying just because of my hair, I cried because I needed to cry. I was miserable at work.

When he just let me cry on his shoulder, it was best. Felt a lot better afterwards. Terus boleh senyum senyum dah. Agak psycho. Haha.

To say that I hate everybody at work, is an exaggeration.

There's this fat boss of mine, who is so knowledgable. Can be temperamental at times but he's toned down a lot after returning from Hajj. One time, I received a blow from him but he personally called me back to apologize.

Hajj does change people.

Anyway, that fat boss of mine joked and explained some things to me, encouraged me to further my studies, so I was happy for a while.

Remember that nice, father-figure Dato' that I mentioned before? Saw him and we smiled to each other.

Just a smile.

I want to become like him. Someone who has an impact on another's life, even though you are not particularly doing anything significant.

Agak-agak, kalau I lalu dan senyum to some random people, do you think I can save a life, do you think I can make his/ her day?

Agak-agak, is there someone out there who feels like that about me?

Monday, September 10, 2012

What do you do when you love your job, but you hate your workplace and the people working with you?

It feels so lonely. The people are unhelpful. A small favour would become into something big. Semua pun nak berkira. Mulut pulak suka memerli. Lepas tu kecoh satu dunia. Dari boss, rakan-rakan sekerja, sehinggalah staff dan client...Sama je...

I really miss my old workplace. In a few months, I already went on vacations with my colleagues/ friends. We'd go out after work, watch movies together, spend the weekends to shop, scout for whatever cravings that we may have. There would always be something to celebrate for. Birthdays, baby showers, hens nights, TGIFs...If there's a problem at work, they would be there for me. If the problem can't be fixed, they would be there for supports. We laughed a lot even though the workload is probably 10 times more than what I am having now.

Until now, I still haven't found anybody that I can really get along with. That's pathetic. Am I the problem here?

I am happy here, when I am home, with my husband.

True enough, you can't have everything. Not at the same time.

I repeatedly tell myself that I should apply for a transfer. The problem is, what about my husband? Kesian pula dia, he probably would think that I am unhappy because of him.

The only reason I can survive here is him.

Today, I cried at work. Actually, I probably feel like crying almost everyday at work.

Which makes me feel guilty subsequently.

The question is, is happiness equals to gratefulness and sincerity?

If I am grateful, shouldn't I be happy? If I am sincere, shouldn't I be happy? Is it possible for a grateful and sincere person to be unhappy? Am I unhappy because deep down, I am actually ungrateful and insincere?!

Mode: Worthless, lost, confused, hoping to feel better



Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The other day, I went shopping, but my husband lost my newly bought skirt! Ade ke patut...Nasib baik benda lain tak hilang. I bought quite a lot of things that day. Naturally, my husband would carry my stuff, but he didn't check whether he got them all. Therefore, my skirt is missing and he has to replace it, I don't care!

Sebenarnya, in the beginning tu memang rasa marah nak hentak hentak kaki. Luckily, my senses were still intact.

- It's not like my husband lost it on purpose
- It's just a small thing, a skirt, and it's not that expensive

I need to remind myself over and over again. Kalau nak marah pun, let it be worth it.
Mula-mula tu pun memang sedih. But then again, there are many other people who couldn't even afford what I can.

See, I am sensible.
And I hate the feeling of guilt. Everytime rasa berangan nak rumah besar, kereta besar, baju cantik, makan best best, mesti nak teringat dekat orang lain yang kurang mampu. Why can't I enjoy my life guilt-free!

Then, we had lunch. Pastu ada budak jual kerepek, dari meja ke meja. It was on a Monday. I pun fikir lah, budak ni tak sekolah ke. Tengahari dah jalan-jalan, berpeluh-peluh, penat woooo...!!!

He was thirsty, so he wanted to buy a canned drink. He asked for the cheapest drink. Ala, nama pun budak, mana dia tu tahu kedai tu mahal ke, kedai murah. Yang dia tahu, bila haus, kena minum air!

Lepas tu I wonder, since he was just a kid, kalau lepas dapat untung from all sold kerepek, tak ada orang ke stop him and mug him. Kan zaman sekarang ni bahaya...

My nieces are so cute. I love to entertain them, depending on my mood. But they love my husband more.

It's funny when one of them kept tugging my husband. Husband pulak suka melayan, "Adoi...Tolong! Tangan saya sakit!" Then one them would scold the other one for hurting my husband. Lepas tu ada jawapan, "He's mine!!!"

So cute!

Their characters are different. One is obviously the leader, and the other one only shows her true colour when the leader leads. Seorang tu mulut becok, kuat merajuk, perasan cantik. Hari-hari tanya kenapa muka Uncle hitam. Haha. I rasa sebab dia belum masuk sekolah lagi, jadi dia belum pernah jumpa orang hitam dalam hidup dia.

Seorang lagi tu tak takut orang, suka menari. Kalau bawa pergi shopping mall, lari macam masuk Disneyland. Lagi dikejar, lagi dia suka sebab ingat tengah main. Sampai orang lain confuse ingatkan anak sendiri yang terlepas, menjerit, "Anak kita bang!" Husband I boleh jawab, "Eh, bukan, saya punya tu!"

Macam best je ada anak. Lepas tu mengada-ngada nak berangan tengah pregnant anak nombor dua. Kalau anak nombor satu jenis tak boleh duduk diam, memang husband I lah tukang jaga, I am pregnant mahhh!!!

Sekali tu, I bawa handbag mahal-mahal, which deserve its own seat at the dining table. I called my niece to stop playing and eat, dia boleh lari-lari datang meja, nampak handbag pastu campak atas lantai lalu duduk atas kerusi tu. Waahh...Rasa nak tarik rambut sendiri, that bag is freaking special, you always treat it with respect! Husband I gelak-gelak je. Sabar je lah budak ni.

I am surrounded by fertile people, I am so jealous. Hari tu my mom buat makan-makan, habis orang datang, semua muda-muda, tapi anak berderet-deret. I seorang je bercouple dengan husband. Sayu hati.

Tapi sayu hati kejap je. My life is not so bad lah. I am happy. Selalu gelak-gelak dengan husband I.

Since we have no baby yet, I can be the baby all I want. Ok, what!!!

Sejak raya ni, tak jumpa lagi my birth MIL (husband's birth mother). Setiap kali call, dia tak ada, tengah berjalan ke mana tah. Satu hari husband I fed up, dia cakap, "Mak I ni!Hari Raya pun tak kesah dekat anak. Patutlah dia tak bela I, suruh orang lain bela!" He said that jokingly, and I thought it was funny. Family husband I ni, masa raya pun buat tak tahu je. Kalau family sebelah I, kena pakai baju cantik, ada sesi salam-salam, tapi family my husband ni memang peliklah. Patutlah I culture shocked sikit. Haha. My husband pun jadi culture shocked sebab I paksa dia pakai samping and songkok masa first day raya.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Just arrived home and had a visitor. He is my husband's friend, quite close to him actually, even accompanied my husband on our wedding day.

He said he came to my workplace but I didn't recognize him.

I was so embarassed by it because I immediately recalled the event after he described it to me.

How could I not recognize someone who is so familiar in my life! How can I remember the case, but not the person involved?

Rasa nak ketuk je otak ni. Like, how can I not match the people in my normal life, with my clients. They can be interchangable, me idiot! People I know, can become my clients too. But my brain is too rigid, they keep them separated that I cannot even register their faces.

I feel like a really, really bad friend, and a really, really bad human being. Like, I am just a mad workaholic, a machine that works without that extra magic touch.

I do admit sometimes I avoid working with people I know to maintain being professional. I hate confrontations and I don't want to be bias. I don't want to give out favours just because that person knows my husband.

But this person, he simply accidentally became my client, even if it was less than 24 hours, but I didn't recognize him. Not only I am embarassed, but I am also disappointed in myself.


Remember about my colleague that I was so eager to match make with one of my friends?

I don't think I am going to proceed with it.

Two reasons:

1) The girl he used to date is difficult to compete with.
2) The girl he used to date live in the same housing area as my friend's, they are practically neighbours/ family friends.

Me: OMG! I know her!
Him: Wait, how do you know her? Is she your friend? How could you know it's her?
Me: Ala...I have many friends la...Lagipun, ada berapa banyak anak Tan Sri dekat situ? That instantly narrows down the options.
Him: ...I shouldn't have told you that detail...
Me: But you did. Hehe. She's pretty. And nice. How did she end up with you!
Him: Haha. I'm charming!
Me: So, it's you...
Him: It's me, what? Don't tell me you read her blog too!
Me: Sometimes...
Him: But I've screened her blog. She never mentioned about me!
Me: Why did you guys break up? She's such a catch!
Him: Arrggh...! Don't say that. You don't know her like I do...

I don't know what happened between them, but in my naked eyes, she looks/ sounds like a perfect girl. (I don't know her personally, kenal kenal macam gitu je) I'd feel really, really small if I were to stand next to her. I hate perfect girls. How can someone have everything this world?
But when he said, "You don't her like I do..." that give me a glimpse of hope. She might not be so perfect after all. Yeay! Hehe.