Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Someone told me:

When you see dead children, they don't look lifeless. They look like they are sleeping. So peaceful. But then, you see their parents crying.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

When my daughter was born, my niece looked at her little feet and said, "Kaki baby ni macam udang!"


After a while, I understood what she meant: udang kering. Small, curled up, wrinkly and pink. She was referring to her little toes.

Haha. The reference that she made!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Both children are sleeping.
My firstborn is still in recovery state, he had high fever and suffered the third episode of febrile fit. I am praying the baby won't get infected.

The febrile fit occured when we balik kampung. It was the first time my husband witnessed it.

My MIL said she used to put a spoon inside my husband's mouth everytime he had a seizure. I was like, "Laaa!!! Genetic rupanya!"

At first, I was a little bit angry. My husband took my son a day earlier to kampung. He told me my son was feverish. I asked him to give him Panadol. But my husband said my son was crying, so he didn't serve the medicine to him.

But, I refrained myself from talking about it. I know my husband must had felt equally bad. Besides, he has been wonderful. My son is two and half years old and my husband has been bringing him balik kampung for a couple of times without me. I know there are not many men who can do that. Even Father and my brothers won't be able to do it.

Anyway, yesterday, my husband asked me, what do I wish for my birthday.

Surprised, I told him I hadn't thought about it yet because my birthday is in June. Then, he made me realize that now is already end of May.

I think that it's sweet of him to remember, unlike me who has forgotten many things. I haven't even given him anything for his birthday this year, not yet.

The truth is, I didn't expect anything. He just bought a new car, which he claims to be an early anniversary gift (actually, we bought a new car just because our family is expanding). I also treated it as a 'Thank you for giving birth to our daughter' gift. Haha.

I told him that I wanted a ring, or a necklace. But, I think he is buying me a watch. He bought a new watch and he thinks I should get a matching one. I told him, I prefer Omega, but he said the men's designs from Omega are not nice.

But, to me, the watch would be an expensive gift. A ring would be cheaper. Tak payahlah membazir...Haha, I ni, perasan je nak dapat jam, entah-entah tak dapat pun, ataupun dapat benda lain...

I also told him about the Diorama bag. Saw someone carrying it and quickly showed it to him. But the bag is absolutely, purely a 'want' item. I still have bags I haven't used yet in the wardrobe!

Anyway, whatever it is, I am currently content with my life. It's not perfect, but I am good. As long as I have this family, I am happy.

Nah, belanja gambar. I tak reti rotate gambar pakai phone, sorry.

Friday, April 8, 2016

I am super sad after receiving the news today: two of my dearest colleagues will be leaving. I am sp affected by the news, because I genuinely want the best for them, and also because I could be one of them.

But, as Ustadz Ebit Lew said, Allah knows best. There's beauty behind every failure, a sunshine after the rain, hikmah di sebalik kejadian. All you have to do is believe and pray correctly, and make it your weapon.

I will be starting work soon. Like this coming Monday soon. Yes, my world is cruel. I can't fight the system, not yet. But please remind me, when I have the power, I will try to change the system.

For now, I will succumb into a temporary depression, and hopefully, my daughter won't be compromised by all this.

(That reminds me that I only have a day's worth of breastmilk for now. I will standby with formula milk. Does that make me a terrible, selfish mother? We, women are always hard on each other. Please take a step back, and evaluate that we each lead different lives, and not all are meant to be ideal like what you believe. Our journeys are different and individualised. May Allah ease my struggles)

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Successfully put my son to sleep, clipped his nails with a torch (still refusing to give his fingers for nailclipping, so I've been cutting his nails while he's asleep, in the dark, with my torch app on my phone, sometimes when he's taking his nap during the day, for almost 3 years already! OMG, such dedication...), my daughter is asleep as well...

Sometimes, I feel like a single mother. Because my husband is away most of the time...But! I've been getting help from the maid and Mother, so, it's really unfair to complaint that much...Well, in reality, they help when I'm at work, but when I'm home, I do most of the chores, except cooking and cleaning.

Since I consider myself as an 'experienced mother', I don't read that much about babies anymore. But I remember, I bought nappy liners during my first pregnancy. From my 'research', babies shit a lot in little amount, so, it is advised to buy nappy liner so that you don't have to change diapers every time.

In the end, I never used the nappy liner because my son could go on days without opening his bowel; completely normal for a fully breastfed child.

My daughter, on the other hand, soils her diapers so often,..By one week old, she already used up about half of the pack, which made me think: Kesiannya dekat orang miskin...
Lepas tu, rasa nak nangis/
Lepas tu terfikir dekat the refugee babies who don't even access to warm/ hot water.
OMG, hatiku masih rapuh...

Anyway...Hello, how am I now?
I am still recuperating.

I had a sort of traumatizing birth story :(

Seriously, days after that, I sometimes cry just thinking of what I had to go through...

It's nobody's fault. It's just that...Giving birth really could kill you, things could go really, really wrong...I didn't prepare my body and mind for that.

Here's the boring version of it:


As you all know, it was past my due date, so I had to be admitted to induce labour...Bla bla bla...At 1230am, I was only 1 cm with thick cervix and no pain. I went to sleep and was woken up with a contraction pain. It wasn't regular, so I went back to sleep. At 2.30 am, was woken up by the nurse for a CTG.

Had another contraction while doing the CTG. Still irregular pain. The nurse said it was only moderate contraction. CTG looked fine.

The nurse told me to prepare and get ready by 6.30 am. "Doctor nak induce pukul 6.30 pagi."

Back to my bed but decided to sit rather that lying down. Started to have painful contractions. It was 3 am. I knew that was it because I started to feel nauseous. I vomit whenever I'm in so much pain- like when I have migraine attacks and like the time I gave birth 2 and half years ago...Quickly took 2 tablets of Panadol, hoping it would help with the pain while asking for an epidural...Chewaaahhh...Berharap nak dapat epidural!

I expected to give birth after 8 am. So, I tahan, tahan, tahan. Husband was sleeping at home because the hospital is only 5 minutes away...And you know how clingy my son is when he's around...

I sat next to the bed, with a plastic bag in my hand, in case I vomit. At around 3.30 am, a nurse checked on me, "Kenapa?"

Nurse: Kenapa pegang plastic?
Me: Rasa nak muntah.
Nurse: Ha? Ada pening kepala ke? Tak ada darah tinggi kan?
Me: Bukan. Contraction. Sakit sangat. Saya memang macam ni. Kalau sakit sangat, saya rasa nak muntah.
Nurse: Saya check jalan, boleh?
Me: Sekarang ke?

In my mind, since the pain only started, there was no point for vaginal examination because I would be disappointed. I waited for about 6 hours before coming to the hospital for my first baby (it was as long as I could tahan), and when they checked me, I was only 2 cm, WTF!

So, I knew nothing would open after only 30 minutes of pain. I felt my baby's head was still high. And the pain was somewhat bearable still.

But, if the nurse checked me now, she would leave me alone in the next few hours...That was when my mind tell me to say, "Yes, you can check me now..."

The nurse's fingers were inside of me.

She said, "Okay...4 cm..." --> Wahhh! Biar betul dah 4 cm!
"Hhhmmm...6 cm..." --> Haaa??? 4 ke 6 cm?
"Relax...Relax...Saya tolong..." --> then, my water broke.
"Prepare trolley! Boleh hantar pergi labour room!" --> What?! Wait, I tak bagitau husband I lagi!
"Dah 8, 9 cam dah ni! Inform labour room!" --> Seriously!
"Awak jangan teran dulu ye..." --> Betul ke ni? Baru 3.50 am! I belum sakit betul-betul lagi...

Anyway, changed trolley, wheeled to labour room, didn't get to grab my phone or call my husband, had people around me...This time, a midwife checked, and she said I was already 10 cm. "Kalau ada rasa sakit, teran ye..."

"Dah boleh teran ke? Betul ke ni?" I finally said out loud.

"Betul ke sakit start pukul 3?" a different nurse asked.

"Betul...Baru je start sakit ni..."

"Cepatnya! Puku 12.30 am baru 1 cm..."

Nurse: Haaa...Ni ada contraction ni boleh teran!
Me: Errr...Tapi tak sakit sangat.
Nurse: (Peeked at CTG) Moderate contraction je ni...

Finally, the pain was gone, for a while.

Midwife: Tak ada sakit ke?
Me: Tak ada. (Finally get to breathe)
Midwife: Lamanya contraction nak datang...
Nurse: Perut pun lembut je...

Then, the contractions came and I pushed twice, and baby was out at 4.38am.


The midiwife mentioned something about 'accelerated labour'.

I didn't even get to be dehydrated.
(I remember feeling very thirsty after I gave birth to my son, I never felt that thirsty in my whole life, I swear!)

My husband still didn't know about me... :(

I malas nak suruh nurse call kan...

When I got back to my bad in the ward, the nurse came and passed my mobile phone to me. "Awak tertinggal tadi..."

At 5.50am, I called my husband. "Abang, I dah bersalin."

But I was still in pain. I remember feeling so relieved after giving birth to my son. But this was different. I was still having tummy pain. My face showed. I was far from being relieved.

Nurse: Kenapa? Ada pening kepala?
Me: Bukan...Perut masih sakit...
Nurse: Oohhh...Sakit macam senggugut ye? Kita boleh bagi Ponstan, tapi kena makan dulu...Suruh husband bawa makanan...


Obviously, I didn't get to celebrate my quick delivery because I suffered from a complication after giving birth :(

Okay, kita sambung lain kali pulak ye...Panjang dah ni...

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Tak jadi induce hari ni...Postpone esok pulak...Hoping for regular contractions to avoid the dreadful tomorrow, hehe...

Since I'm bored...

I am not a naturally pretty person, I admit. Biasa biasa je...Tak ada orang minat pun masa sekolah dulu...But, that does not deter my self esteem. I mean, I never let my looks to make me feel less confident about myself.

I've told the story about a friend of mine who used to have good skin. When we were in college, she suffered from acne. I didn't think it was bad, but she was so ashamed of herself, she didn't want to socialize and kept herself in her room.

Another friend in University was pretty too (well, I think she is quite average, but maybe she thought otherwise?) At one point, she had skin problem. She asked all of her friends to delete photos of her in Facebook. Because the request was quite tough to comply, she ended up avoiding being in photos altogether.

Recently, I met a friend who went to University with us. She said that girl is now back on Facebook after her skin got treated. Haha.

Actually, there was a time when I wish I was prettier. Jealous with girls who have the looks. I said, "Best nya jadi cantik...Ramai peminat..." I was immature. But my friend told me, "Best ke jadi orang yang sentiasa kena kecewakan orang lain? Ye lah, bila dah cantik, ramai orang minat, tapi kita kena asyik kena reject orang yang kita tak suka tu..."

Wahhh...Why you so wise!!!!! We were only 18...


Since I don't really care much about how I look...I mean, I do care lah, I used to love make-ups and whatnots, tapi takde lah sampai tahap skin kena perfect gitu...I have accepted the fact that my skin has flaws, and I gotta live with it. It's not the end of the world if I'm ugly, or if I miss a facial appointment (still a virgin here)...

Orang kata, alah bisa tegal biasa. I've always had acne problems, hence leading to enlarged pores. So, I dah tak berapa nak heran kalau ada jerawat. Once, I sought a professional treatment and was prescribed with an antibiotic called Tetracycline. Ever since, I noticed my teeth are not as pearly white as before. I was one of the few unfortunates who suffer from its side effect! Dahlah tak cantik, gigi tak putih pula tu!

My niece notices my pores. The other day, she asked me, "Auntie Ectopy, kenapa muka Auntie ada titik titik lubang lubang macam tu?"

I truthfully answered her, "Bekas jerawat..."

Then she said, "Macam muka Anna (from the cartoon Frozen)? Muka Anna ada dot dot juga dekat pipi dia..."

Hahahaha...Those are freckles, honey. But if you think this is how freckles look like in real life, Auntie terima je...Hahaha!
I am nervous. In a few hours, I will be induced. The baby likes to be inside me, too much. I keep imagining the contractions I've been having is labour pain, but apparently, they are not. They say induction hurts, plus, tomorrow is a weekend, I don't know who will entertain my request for an epidural.


A friend from highschool just shared her experience of losing 3 of her children, 2 biological and 1 adopted. It's so sad...Then she said, "Aku nak pesan, kalau ada anak yang lasak, jangan dimarahi sangat. Sebab itu bermakna anak tu sihat...Untuk anak-anak kecil, kalau boleh, tunaikan permintaan diorang. Layankan sahaja. Sebab sampai sekarang aku sedih tak sempat bagi nasi lemak dekat anak aku..."


I really don't know where to draw the boundaries lah...My son really loves those surprise eggs, every time he goes to Toys R Us, we would buy him at least 3. Today, he got 7 surprise eggs! And the toys are more or less the same...He just gets the thrill of opening the eggs, he doesn't really care much about the toys or the candies.

He also likes those SpongeBob vitamins which are meant for 5 year-olds and above. He can finish them so fast. I tried to substitute them with other gummies, but gummies aren't exactly healthy for kids either. We haven't bought those vitamins for quite some time (well, we usually ends up buying the fruits and vegetables gummies, meant for kids who refuses the food, but still...) but last night, he saw the gummies at the pharmacy! My husband and I just couldn't say No to him.

Every time my son is extra manja, my husband would tell him, "Nanti, bila daddy dah tua, Baby K pula jaga daddy, okay..." So far, my son doesn't display any real attitude problems yet, except that he likes to throw things...But I am concerned whether we layan his requests too much. Aren't we strict enough? Are we feeding him with bad attitudes? Is it too early to start disciplining him? (Disciplining him on what pun I tak tahu...Haha...)

My staff has the same advice too. She said, once they grow up, they won't be needing you anymore. So, layan je lah apa-apa yang budak-budak ni nak...

I just don't want to have regrets later on...

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Still pregnant and emo...Past my due date, praying not to be induced!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

On my Facebook timeline, there would be on and off Muslimah stores, but the annoying part is...their models. Haha. I have a case of 'I hate you for no reason, I don't know why, I just do'!

So far, I have identified 3 Muslimah models that I just could not stand!

I am most annoyed with this one model- she has a certain way of smiling, which I find to be very 'syok sendiri'. So annoying whenever I see her face pops up. She's everywhere! Please change your model!

The second one, well, I am not so annoyed with her lah. She's actually pretty sweet, but I think, too many companies use her face! Like, oi, tak ada muka lain keeeee...

The third model is also like the first one that I don't like, except that she's not everywhere (yet), but still, I can feel the aura of 'syok sendiri'. Like, you claim to be a Muslimah model, right...Why you like this! Badan lentik-lentik, pakai sunglasses lah, konon macam modern sangat...So attention seeking (even though I do understand that's the whole purpose of the ads- to attractbcustomers. But I still can't accept, haha)

But of course, I am just stating my opinions based on first impressions. I don't even know them lah...But, I have admitted before that I can be very judgemental, it's my weakness...Hehehehe...

So yeah, I'm sorry that I hate you for no reason... =(

Hati I ni belum suci murni lagi kot...


My husband has returned from overseas, yeay!

But while he was away, my son missed him so much, he had an episode when he cried out of sudden calling for his daddy! He was watching iPad- a scene of father and son teasing each other.

Son: (Crying) Nak daddy!
Me: Daddy work...
Son: Nak ikut daddy work!
Me: Daddy balik lagi 4 hari.
Son: Nak daddy! Daddyyyyy...!!!

Waahhh...Sekarang dah pandai rindu ye...

Luckily, it only lasted for 5 minutes, or I would have joined him too, crying for missing my husband so much, hahahaha...


When we sent my husband off at the airport, my husband actually lied to my son that he was getting the car, before he disappeared...

I'm actually against this method lah...I prefer telling my son the truth.

But, my husband was afraid I couldn't handle my son's tantrum, with me being heavily pregnant and all, so, I simply followed my husband's method...Malas nak gaduh time nak berpisah...

So, my son was in his stroller, and my husband was missing...Then, my son started to ask me, "Daddy mana?"
Because my husband was already gone, I bluntly told my son- Daddy tak ada. Daddy pergi work.

My son screamed and cried in his stroller. I kept pushing. Finally, he slept...

Oh, for those of you who didn't know yet, my son memang overly attached with his father, despite him not being around all the time due to our long distance relationship. Even though I am the one who takes care of my son most of the time, my husband is still my son's number 1.


I told the above stories to my husband.

Me: Kalau boleh, I tak nak tipu-tipu dia...
Husband: Tapi, I takut dia nangis.
Me: I rasa, you yang tak boleh nampak dia nangis...Hehehe...(I seriously think he's doing that method to save himself from the heartache)

Me: You tu...Kalau Baby K nangis sikit, terus dukung dan pujuk dia!
Husband: I kan tak ada kasih sayang...I tak nak dia rasa macam apa yang I rasa...

I quickly understood that my husband was referring to the fact that his biological parents gave him up for other people to take care of him when he was small.

I will never understand how it feels...That's why I always think it's no big deal. My husband's parents (not biological) are nice people, and they are related to my husband's actual parents. They do meet each other during family events, it's not like my husband is left to wonder who his real parents are...

And I still can't really understand why my husband couldn't let this go. He's an adult now. His adopted parents asked for him (because they were childless at that time), and his biological parents gave him because...I don't know, kesian kot...

But...My husband still feels that he is not loved enough (despite the fact that he always compliments his adopted parents, and I know his adopted parents love him so much because they are forever dependent on him, instead of their biological sons)

Well, to my advantage- or more specifically, to my children's advantages, we know my husband will love and protect them, as long as he has that feeling (who knows he might have a change of heart in the future kan...)

Tapi, kasihan my husband...Macam trauma for life je...Sometimes, if we argue, he would say things like, "Nobody loves me. I only have you and Baby K in my life." Waahhh...I pulak kena convince dia balik there are many people in this world who love him.

Hari tu, I ada dengar Ustadz cakap dalam radio:
Kalau tak ada anak, ambil anak anak angkat. Kalau tak mampu, buat baik dengan anak saudara. Kalau tak ada juga, belalah anak kucing. InsyaAllah doa-doa mereka ini diterima selepas kita dah mati. Yakinlah, sebab Tuhan tu tak kejam dan Maha Adil.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

My husband has been feeding the cat who lives at the basement of his apartment.

Tonight, he called me at 1 am, to tell me that he found the cat outside his door.

Him: Abang dengar bunyi meow, meow. Bila Abang buka pintu, nampak kucing tu...Dia lapar kot...So,  Abang pun turun beli nasi dengan ikan tongkol dekat cafe. Sekarang ni, kucing tu tengah makan...

Me: Macam mana dia sampai tingkat 12?

Him: Abang pun tak tahu...Dia naik tangga kot...

Me: Naik tangga? Macam mana dia tahu you duduk tingkat 12!

Him: Takkanlah dia naik lift...Siapa pula nak tekan lift tingkat 12!

Eh...Misteri betullah kucing ni...

Me: Bertuah punya kucing...Kalau isteri you kelaparan pun tengah-tengah malam pun, you tak layan I macam ni...You bantai tidur je...

True story.