Monday, August 25, 2014

Just got back from the clinic for Baby K's 1st year jab. In the morning, we collected the prizes that I won (again), haha, exciting, but embarassing at the same time because I think the receptionist has started to recognize me. Seriously, people, I think the reason I keep winning because nobody else is entering the contests?

Anyway, this will be a short post. Some quotes I would like to remember:

- "Information is not knowledge."
Many people mistake the things the read on the Internet would make them smarter. No, you will be informed, but knowledge is power. How do you acquire knowledge? Not by Googling, of course.

- I always like to say- I hope everyone will get what they deserve.
However, my Facebook friend posted something like this: To hope for someone would get what they deserve is cruel. Even we, the servants, get to enter Paradise by God's mercy. I don't think we get to go to heaven just because we deserve it.

Hhmm...What she says is quite true up to a certain point. God is the Most merciful, but I believe God is fair too. Life would be quite pointless if He is not fair, like, those who got away from this worldly crimes, I am sure there will be punishments await them one day.

Am I cruel to hope for a bad person to get punished? Sure, sometimes, we are not happy with the type of punishment he gets because we think it's not heavy enough. That's why I'd like to think, probably he deserves a lighter punishment because he did some goods in his life, not necessarily something that I know of.

And that's why God promise there will be Judgement Day. And that's why, there are things such as Taubat.

Wow, philisophy me.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Actually, I wanted to post about this earlier but I was too sleepy. The next day, it had gone viral. Terus mati semangat nak tulis.

Tapi, malam ni rasa nak tulis balik. It's about domestic violence. Personally, I haven't encountered or know anyone who has been abused by their spouse. Somehow, I think it happens commoner than we think.

I always consider myself as a strong person. Until today, I don't depend too much on anybody else but myself. So, when I was younger, I thought if it ever happens to me, there'd be no thinking twice, I'd leave.

Which, made me wonder why those women can't do the same, I did not understand.

Now, having a family I call my own, I think there is a tendency for me to allow myself to become a victim, if it occurred to me.

Of course, you tend to give chances after chances to the man you used to love, the man who you think still loves you. How can you not believe his apology when he used to be your sweetheart. When you married him, you swore to be by his side, whether when it's up or down. How can you lose hope that this man will never stop hitting. Perhaps, when he sees his baby, he'd change.

And by the time you realize that he's dangerous, it's getting harder to leave. You've given up everything. You are too old. You don't have the heart to make your children grow up without a father. Perhaps, you teach yourself to accept it, because it is normal  now for you. He makes you believe it's your fault.

It's not as simple as packing your bags and leave, just like my younger, naive self would have thought.

Father was a strict, serious, fierce man, especially toward his team. When I was a small kid, he always received texts from his pager. He was always on the phone. Most of the time, he was yelling over the phone, scolding whoever he thought deserved, sometimes, using foul language.

One time, I was old enough to follow his conversation about work, he told Mother about one of the men under him who had marriage problems. He was being unfaithful, so his wife came to him.

Father was a strong believer that once your personal life interfere with your work, you are deemed unqualified. He used to say, if you can't be a leader of your own family, how can you lead others?

So, he carried out an investigation on that man, then, he produced a warning letter for him. He didn't get him sacked, but Father did not let him naik pangkat.

Now, before you think Father was biased against polygamy, he was not. He had another man under him with two wives, but the wives got along okay and sometimes, he brought both to attend events (which made Mother feel a little bit uneasy). No drama there.

So, when I first stumbled upon that FB post, I thought she should go to his boss. I mean, I've seen how Father dealt with it, and I thought most bosses would, you know, do something similar.

If AirAsia has not taken any action against that man yet, it is a shame.

When I read about the insensitive remarks about she membuka aib suami etc, it makes me sick in the stomach. At the same time, I am so glad there are other commentators who gave such strong hujah to defend that woman.

I can only hope I would never have to go through what she is going through. Can't say too soon that I have a wonderful husband, can I? People change, you know.

Mother was initially concerned about us having to do LDR. "Awak tak takut ke suami awak seorang dekat sana?"

I chuckled.

I have confidence in my husband, in me and in our relationship. If it happens, it happens. I don't know how I would react to it, but I don't want to think about something that might not even happen in the future.

As you all probably know, Baby K prefers him over me. When I balik kampung recently, Baby K would not let my husband go at all. Many commented on how rare it is for a child to be attached more to his father. I think, deep down, they must think how I suck at being a mother because when my husband is around, my husband would play with him, bathe him, tukar pampers etc...My job is to feed him and make the baby fall asleep when my husband fails to do it.

Anyway, just now, my husband and I were exchanging text messages about how cute our baby is.

Husband: Baby K tu manja sangat dengan Abang. Kalau dah besar sikit, Abang nak bawa dia balik, biar dia duduk 4-5 hari dengan Abang. Mesti dia  nak ikut.
Me: Ha ah, tak nak lepaskan Abang langsung. Manja sangat!
Husband: Abang kena sayang dia lebih. Abang dulu tak tinggal dengan ayah kandung, so Abang tahu perasaan tu.

With that message, I know Baby K and I are very lucky.

(On the other hand, I feel bad for my parents-in-law. My husband ni jenis pendendam kot...Dah 40 tahun oiii...! And he still can't get over the fact that his biological parents gave him away. And to not just anybody, to their relative, who was childless at that time, and who still treats my husband like their own! Sudah sudah lah tu...And yet, when you think it's harmless to a child, you don't know how much it scars your child for life, sampai ke tua husband I tu trauma)

Monday, August 18, 2014

Stumbled upon a blog of my junior from university and ashamed with what I have here. Hehe. Her language is of better quality, well, I really shouldn't compare because I simply am not an eloquent person lah.

Anyway...

Reminds me of the years I was away from home. I remember being dependant on public transports and my own to feet to commute. When it got too cold, I'd be bitching about how easy and warm my life would be if I just stayed local.

My perception completely changed after I saw so many professionals using the service, unlike Malaysia at that point of time.

I had this one vivid memory, a young, cool, sophisticated mother, dressed in skinny jeans, a bubble jacket, a scarf around her neck, wearing a pair of sunglasses, pushing a child in a stroller in her high heels, and an older child around 4 or 5 years old next to her.
She was energetic and beautiful.
I remember telling my friend, that's just the kind of mother I would like to be.

I guess I was able to briefly live the dream.

I was on a flight with my son. He was so well-behaved, I am so proud!

We landed at Subang Airport and we were the last to leave the plane. Then, I put my son in his stroller and I quickly pushed him to minimise the exposure to the loud sound.

While I was pushing him, I saw our reflections on the mirrors. Me, in jeans, my nice shirt, and flowy shawl, one hand pushing the stroller and another hand holding his sippy cup and a handbag on my shoulder. I didn't wear high heels though, but I had my nice pumps on.

Then, we waited at the conveyor belt and my other hand was pulling our hot pink luggage now.

I must have looked so good, too bad nobody was around to take a photo of us in action...(Bagi can dekat I nak perasan, boleh tak?)

For a while, I was that young, cool, sophisticated, energetic supermom!

And my moment could not be made possible without my stroller which I am so glad I purchased. It's not perfect but the fact I easily manoeuvred it single handedly makes it a winner.

My perfect stroller would be
- can be used since birth
- can be reclined to at least almost flat
- allows forward and rear facing
- light weight
- fold to stand
- small to fit a compact car
- cheap
- tyres that glide for easy manoeuvring
- easy to fold (one hand)
- not flimsy
- cantik
- doesn't need too many accessories
- etc

Well, mine doesn't fit a compact car. Wasn't a problem before until I moved back to Klang Valley and had to buy a MyVi because no way am I going to spend so much on petrol just to go to and fro work...

Anyway, initially, my dream stroller was all other nice strollers which are too expensive for my budget. I kan kedekut sikit, I just don't want to invest thousands in something I don't know whether I will be using much or if my son even wants to sit in it quietly. Mine is not even RM1k and it fits most of my requirements.

So yeah, when I saw our reflections, I know I've made the right purchase. I was so confident, I thought we should be in an ad...Haha!

(For a split moment, then I was back to being a plain lady.)

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Mommies, have you watched the Pampers appreciation video ad for the Japanese mothers?

Well, happy first birthday to Baby K, which means I am already a Mom for a year...

We went to visit my parents-in-law. They helped to take care Baby K for about 5 months before I moved back to Klang Valley. And as expected, my MIL got emotional that I feel guilty she doesn't feel the same way towards her granddaughter who's only 4 months younger than Baby K (and my SIL was there at that time!)

I am not like my MIL, she's comfortable in showing and telling how she feels. Me? I only tell you guys lah in my blog, haha. Or I'd tell my husband. Or my really close friends, in a joking manner, after it had long past by...

So yeah, MIL was like, "Ma nangis hari hari...Hari hari tengok gambar Baby K...Ma cuci gambar dia banyak banyak. Setiap kali lepas sembahyang, Ma mesti tengok gambar dia. Ma asyik teringatkan dia...Ma tengok TV9 pukul 12.30 ada budak macam Baby K...Kenapa balik 4 hari saja?"

Then, Baby K refused her. Gaaahhh...! (Actually, Baby K also refuses me if he's happy with his Daddy, but it's an unacceptable explanation to my MIL)

I've seen my MIL cried a number times before this (she even cried when my husband told her not to feed Baby K with too much milk). In contrary to my own Mother, who, for the record, had only cried 3 times in my presence in my entire life...
1) When I was 9 and I had been really naughty (or maybe she was extra stressed?)
2) When I was 14 and she and Father had a huge fight for something so silly (we got lost in the car in Penang and all hotels were fully booked!)
3) The day Father passed away.

I am so inexperienced in dealing with an emotional elderly, I don't know how to react to it...

Actually, I too cry a lot, in front of my husband or privately. Haha. But I have an ego lah okay...Which type are you?

Time really flies...Baby K is walking more than crawling. Demanding...Wants me all the time, except when Daddy is around. Sleeps better nowadays, thank God, but still addicted to my boobs. I keep telling him boobies are for nighttime only, malu lah, dahlah baby I tu size tak macam 1 year old, it's difficult to hide him under my tudung. Dah setahun dah I defaulted from wearing normal clothes, always buttoned for the sake of my little one...

I haven't gotten him a proper birthday present. He's fascinated by sticks of any kind. Ruler sticks, brooms, kayu penyodok, mop, tongkat, tu semua memang pantang nampak. Sekali pegang, tak mau lepas. So I nak beli apa?

We've booked a trip to Japan in January. I was reluctant to bring Baby K (selamba betul, haha) but my husband insists. So, Baby K, you better behave yourself or you don't follow!
Which means, no overseas trip for us this year...Awww...I really want to make it a tradition of a yearly overseas trip, but tak cukup fund lah...Singapore, Thailand and Indonesia don't count okay! I really want to go to Italy, tapi tak kan lah two months after nak pergi Japan pulak kan? Lagipun, annual leave tak cukup lah. Plus, my husband and I are bounded to very specific available dates. Sigh...That's why it's more fun to be rich enough, you don't have to work/ take time-off when you want to!

I am committing myself to furthering my education, which never ends btw, so I can get better pay in the future, but by that time, mesti I dah tua sakit kaki, or, I kena fikir siapa nak hantar anak sekolah...I can never win, y'know...

Okay, now I am rambling...While recovering from diarrhoea actually, and now you know what's still keeping me awake at this hour. I should be studying instead!

To my dearest son, Happy Birthday. I hope we can give you more siblings! Haha!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

I wanted to scold, but I didn't know how to scold without yelling.

I haven't been really angry in a looonngg time. I managed to get myself together ever since I found out I was pregnant. I controlled myself just so my son would grow in a healthy environment.

And usually, I get mad at work, not at home.

Just now was probably the first time Mother saw me got really angry in my adulthood. I guess I was really scary that Mother chose to stay out of it.

I was yelling to my maid, then to my maid and her daughter. My maid's daughter, who is also a maid, ran away from her employer and suddenly appeared in front of my house tonight.

This problem is way petty compared to the problems they are facing in Gaza. I am considered lucky. But still, I can't sleep. I thought I can have my weekends for rest, but now, this!

Anyway, while trying to think of a solution to my problem, I thought of what other people would do if they were in my place.

I quickly thought of Father.

Then, it occurred to me, he would have been super angry too. And I realized how I can be so like him sometimes; serious, stern, ill-tempered, scary, tough, fierce, straight-to-the-point.

I don't talk to my maid unless I need to, hence I don't listen to her story. I know I will pity easily, so that's why I am determined to make her job as professional as possible. I don't care about your sad life, as long as you do your job, you will get paid. I am not your counsellor, not even your friend, I am your boss.

------

I am my father's daughter afterall. And probably the one who inherits the bad/ good of his character (as mentioned before)  the most. Al-Fatihah.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Anak I ni, taknak tidur pulak...So mak dia nak tulis blog. Haha.

Nearing to being 1 year old, yesterday he began to clap his hands. He is so excited with his new acquired skill, he even clapped his hands when he was half asleep. Haha.

Mother said he also has started to walk 4 to 5 steps, but I am yet to see this my own eyes.

Anyway, I will be taking leave on his birthday week, to get his jab, and my husband is planning a small kenduri for us. My husband made a nazar for me, but due to time constraint, I told him why not just make it a two-in-one thing. Senang. Lagipun, Baby K baru nak masuk setahun, tak payahlah party party ni, dia bukan tau apa pun...Besides, if we were to do it separately, I don't think there would be any guests for a party. Plus, you bloggers have set a high standard for a party, it's difficult to keep up! Can we just attend your party instead?

Sidetracked...

Main reason for this post today, is to wish all Muslims Selamat Hari Raya.

Dengan penuh ikhlas and sepenuh hati, I would like to ask for your forgiveness if I have offended any of my readers. Most importantly, I am hugely sorry if ada tulisan tulisan yang menunjukkan riak walaupun kecil.

I read a Facebook status warning that in today's society, advanced with technology, many people don't realize the sins of riak when you post something online. You know, the easiest example, post gambar anak tapi sebelah ada bag mahal, niat sebenarnya nak tunjuk handbag gitu...

Kalau the intention is to really show your anak, there's nothing wrong with that. Kalau niat nak show off the anak, it's berdosa. Kalau you are just proud and wants to spread your happiness, then that's okay.

But sometimes, people don't realize even gokd intention can hurt.

Like this girl on Facebook, she said, don't judge her if all she does is talking about her children. Don't look down to her because she chooses to be a stay at home mom. She said, nobody can understand her except a mother, only a person with children can understand how she feels.

Sounds harmless?

But to me, I terasa lah jugak on behalf those who don't have children yet. Special sangat ke sampai orang tak ade anak tak boleh paham perasaan dia? She posted something like this way before I was pregnant, and I was really offended by the last line.

Ataupon I je yang over sensitive?

I still think she should not say that, even I have a son now.

So, again, I want to apologize for any wrong doings. If hope in the future, I would be more mindful if there is even the slightest riak in this blog  Do not hesitate to guide me and bagi teguran when necessary. Semoga semua orang dapat pahala a d masuk syurga.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Sementara anak tengah tidur ni...

I think my last post have made some of you have false imagination about me, haha. I am so sorry, tapi I rasa I ni berskala 5/10 saja. Like seriously. Paling tinggi pun 6.5/10, and that was during my university days. The only thing why that kid thought I look like Elsa is probably because nobody in her family has long hair kot. Haha. To prove this, I asked my own niece, she's 6

Me: Rina...Ade budak cakap I look like Elsa? Is that truuueeee???
Rina: (look at me some kind) Rambut jeeeeeee!!!

Sabar je lah aku! Hahaha...

My niece ni kan, just now she watched High 5, tema hari ni adalah The Sea.

One of the girls pakai a spike on the back macam shark, tapi dia nyanyi mengatakan dia tu dolphin.

My niece terus kata, "Dolphin mana ada macam tu! Kenapa dia pakai macam shark? Apalah High 5 ni!"

Haha, smart girl...Tak payah lah tengok High 5 tu, Auntie Ectopy dah boring tau!

------

I dah ada maid...And she's good. Ala, bukan ada kerja sangat pun dia tu...Mother boleh kawan dengan dia. And she can layan my son and my son pun has no problem dengan dia.

I hired her to help out around the house. Tapi sekarang ni, when I arrive home, my son dah siap siap mandi and makan. I macam, hey, that's my job! I nak mandikan anak, I nak suapkan anak I!

Lepas tu, on weekends kan, biase lah my baby tu asyik nak melekat dengan I je. We miss each other! Around me, dia jadi sombong dengan orang lain. But sometimes Mother wants me to give my son to my maid so I can have some rest. Well, I don't think I need to rest, I am a mother after all. Mana ada rehat rehat ni...

I overheard Mother said that I balik rumah pun tak dapat nak rehat sebab Baby K wouldn't let me go, cuti tapi tak macam cuti, no wonder lah makin kurus mak dia. Eh, I really don't mind him not wanting to let me go. Lagi I suke adalah...I don't want him preferring someone else over me!

Even masa buka puasa ke, masa sahur ke, my maid would take him so I can eat in peace. Pastu nanti my son nangis nangis, I rase macam, why can't he eat with me. I have one hand free here...

Emosi betul lah I ni!

Okay, sekian kisah perasaan hari ni. Kesimpulannya, I ni nak hire maid sebab nak dia tolong, tapi bila dia nak tolong, rasa nak buat semua benda sendiri pulak. Gilosss...

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Honestly, since I had a baby, I don't remember the last time I actually made up myself. I did attend a few weddings and formal events, but as far as I can remember, even if I intended to wear make up properly, I ended up going bare faced because I had no time. My husband would usually take the baby to the car and wait for me. I pulak, cepat cepat bersiap because I hate making them wait for me.

Basically, it's been a very long time since I last felt pretty. Kesian kan? I've always told myself not to let myself be one of those moms. Bila tengok blog mak mak cantik, I just don't know how they do it lah ok...Terus rasa inferior sebab I ni comot je...Pergi kerja lagilah comot!

A few weeks ago, I was busy with admin stuff, pergi sana sini, then I stopped by a friend's house during lunch hour to tumpang solat. Her mother was home with her 2 nephews and 1 niece aged between 2 to 6 years old.

I took off my tudung for wudhu. Her niece saw me and said, "Waahhh...Macam Elsa!"

Hahahaha! Omg, me, Elsa?! That's probably the most flattering physical compliment I've ever had from a child!

I buat taktau je. But the next time I saw my friend, she excitedly told me the story because she thought I didn't hear her niece.

Again, hahahaha!

Just what I needed to hear after months and months of feeling comot! Bless the child.

Maybe there's still hope for me to beautify myself again.



Just last week, I saw a client and she said, "Wahh...You are so young!"
Me: No lah, auntie. I am already 3* years old!
Client: Still young lor...And you look younger than that!

Score! Yeay!



More good news in this post: I won three prizes from the SMS contests I entered a few weeks ago! Terus bersemangat nak masuk contest lagi. Haha! Thank you Samsung Galaxy Life sebab bagi 3 magazines free for 1 year! (I mestilah takkan beli beauty magazines, my Reader's Digest pun tak terkhatam sejak ada Baby K ni...)

Me: Saya nak claim hadiah saya menang.
Receptionist: Contest dari magazine mana ye?
Me: Oh, saya menang 3 hadiah dari 3 magazines.
Receptionist: Tiga! Banyaknya!
Me: Hehehe (Kita pulak yang malu menang banyak)

Hari ni kita cerita happy happy je...Bye!

Monday, June 30, 2014

I feel restricted. Like, I feel I am not supposed to say I miss my husband too often, like I am not supposed to insist him to move for me although having him by my side would be fab.

I am sure my husband won't mind me saying what I really want to say. After all, he never once mentions about my decision that changed our lives and its dynamics. But

1) I think deep down, I have an ego. I don't want to give the slightest chance for my husband to use it against me. Eg: "It's all your fault. You are the one who decided to go and now you can't stand it and you want me to go there and leave my life here like it's so easy to do!"

2) I don't want to become his burden. I want to be the pleasant wife. I don't want our phone calls consist of me whining and trying to make him feel guilty.

3) By not mentioning too much about it, I hope I  could suppress my guilt of wanting to advance in my career.

4) I have to be understanding and less selfish. He can't attend to my needs all the time. He has other responsibilities too. This is a known sacrifice that I am willing to take ever since the decision is made.

Really, all I want to say is
Abang, I miss you so much. I am sorry I am the reason you cannot see and touch your son every day. I really want you to move with me if you can. Can't you just drop everything and be with me? Please?

The traffics in Klang Valley are really bad lah, I am so mad at the government for not having a proper plan for public transport. It's never getting any better. Come on, the Londoners have a great transport system since the 60s and we are still so left behind, it's ridiculous lah.

I spent a total of 3 hours in my vehicle every single week day! Bila kita di awang awangan like that, mulalah teringat pada anak. Pastu mulalah rasa nak quit.

Pergi kerja, anak nangis. Balik kerja, main 2-3 jam je dengan anak. Kalau anak tidur lambat, rasa macam, Mommy penat, and why aren't you sleepy yet? Mak jenis apa ni penat sangat sampai tak larat nak layan anak yang innocent, dahagakan kasih sayang, anugerah Tuhan, amanah yang perlu dijaga?

I question every single day when I am stuck in the traffic, "Is it really worth it?"

Sunday, June 22, 2014

My parents have always said us, the siblings, have nothing in common. This is quite true.

One is reserved, another is outgoing, one is sensitive, one likes to travel, another prefers only beach vacations, one is gamer who is rather spends his free time at the comfort of his own home, and the list goes on.

I don't know what Mother did during each pregnancy which makes us so different from each other!

So, I've been getting help from this Indonesian lady. She is an illegal immigrant, stays quite near to Mother's house and previously, Mother had used her husband's labour to wash the car or mow the lawn, doing odd jobs like that.

Since we are desperate, we wanted her to help Mother to take care of my son. Easy! Come at 9am until 5pm, 5 days a week, lunch is provided, she only has access to the ground floor (we don't trust her to go upstairs), probably, sweep the floor, mop every other day, kupas bawang, siang ikan, siram pokok bunga, sidai baju and things like that. My son totally refuses her, so, her job scope is mainly confined to house chores je lah. Tak penat pun...She even gets her own room in case she wants to rest a bit and she doesn't have to cook. I am paying her weekly. If I were her, I would be happy! It's flexible, you still can work elsewhere over the weekend and at night, no rules like no mobile phone or no outings, and it's not tiring.

Thing is, she likes to ask money in advance! My mom would give her extra RM10 a week, and she takes a lot of leaves. She would text Mother that she is sick so she won't come to work, most of the time, she comes like 4 days a week.

Last week, after she left, she returned to Mother's house sobbing, saying she wanted money because her husband hit her. According to her, her husband is a gambler and he hit her all the time.

I, mestilah kesian dengar cerita tu. I pun ikhlas lah nak provide her the job. Tapi at the same time, agak menyusahkan because she is no committed. Due to this sad story of her, I feel bad to find a replacement because nanti dia tak ada kerja, how? I also don't mind so much giving her extra. Because I could afford it, and niat sedekah and tolong orang susah. Lebih lebih lagi nak puasa ni.

My brother, on the other hand, thinks she is lying. He wants us to get another helper because this lady comes with too much baggage. He is a pessimist, so he scares Mother, "What if the husband comes with a parang?"

His points are valid too.
I, too, sometimes, doubt this lady but I tolak jauh jauh sebab nak bersangka baik punya pasal.

My brother pulak, he said, "Jangan masuk campur rumah tangga orang." Memanglah taknak masuk campur rumah tangga orang, tapi takkan nak simply close one eye? What if it happens to your daughter? I don't want to be that headline in the news, "Kanak-kanak maut didera." Then, people would ask, neighbour dia tak buat apa apa ke? Same case like this lah, if we were to decide not to get involved, we are simply irresponsible and selfish. That's my argument.

However, I can see what my brother is standing up for. He is worried of our children's safety. He doesn't want this helper to pijak kepala. Later, the husband finds out it is easy to get money from us using adegan air mata, and it will become a habit. And we don't even know whether she's telli g the truth.

Mother pulak, kejap she sides on me, kejap she sides on my brother. Pastu last last dia kata, "You guys are so different!" Then, she cannot decide.

What say you?