Sunday, May 24, 2015

I wanted this for the past 6 weeks.

I held myself from buying because
- there were more important things to do at that time
- I had two brand new handbags that I hardly use

After I was done with the important thing, I went for a holiday. So, couldn't shop. Besides, my rationale told me not to waste money because I've just spent for a holiday.

Then, the owner of FashionValet posted a picture of this bag in a different colour on Instagram.
I was like, "Ohhh, awesome taste!"

I just needed to get this. I had received the ultimate hint. It was meant to be mine...
First of all, it's really hard to find a bucket bag that I like and I don't have a bag in this design!
Secondly, it's white. Everybody needs a white bag.
Third, it's kinda cheap. The last time I fell in love with something similar, it cost like, RM14k, and that was way back when I was still a university student.

Then, 2 days ago, it was no longer on FashionValet. I panicked. Went to the official website, and it's sold out. SOLD OUT!

I was like, so sad and disappointed and and and, I just couldn't get my mind off it lah okay...I've been thinking about it for 6 weeks and suddenly, it's gone....Like, forever gone....

Whined about it to my husband for 2 days already...

Me: Abang, bag yang I nak tu dah sold out! (Siap tunjuk website to prove it)
Husband: Hahahaha...Tu lah, hari tu I suruh you beli je, you tak nak...
Me: Dah lah cantik...And murah...
Husband: Sebab dia murahlah tu habis cepat!
Me: :(((((((((((
Husband: Lain kali, jadi macam I. Kalau dah suka, tak payah fikir panjang. Beli je...
Me: T_______T

Perhaps, I should just buy it in another colour. What do you think?

Excuse me, I nak berkabung...
Being careful with my spending pun, akhirnya, I yang kecewa...


Friday, May 8, 2015

Actually, I ada tulis banyak. Semua dalam drafts. Tak publish sebab, they are incomplete. You know why? Because I wanted to write so many things, that towards the end, I became sleepy while writing them.

At this age, I've learned not to stay up late unnecessarily. Once, you're sleepy, just go to sleep! Don't fight it, or you'll end up regretting the decision. Last-last sendiri yang stress sebab tak dapat tidur.

My sleep is so precious!

Have you heard of 4 7 8 breathing exercise? It's amazing! It sure helps me to go to my slumber when I find it difficult. Just google or youtube it, okay. Make sure you recite your doa before you shut your eyes.

Well, I can't say I have a terrific sleep quality as what the many testimonials say about the breathing exercise. I kan tidur dengan anak. Pastu anak I tu light sleeper. Which means, I've never had a proper uninterrupted sleep in a long, long time, as long as the abscence of my period! Haha! Yup, I masih belum period, yeay!

Speaking of periods, talked with my bosses, and they were saying about how vague symptoms can mean you are pregnant. You are not feeling yourself? Check your urine! You are not feeling well but can't exactly pinpoint what? Check your urine! You have mysterious headches, fever, cough? Check your urine!

Of late, I've been depressed. I mean, I know exactly what makes me so unmotivated, but I usually handle it well, lasting for 1 week, at most...Then, I think I gain a bit of weight, but that's probably I am no longer actively breastfeeding...Perhaps I should check in case I'm pregnant? Haha, besar harapan! Desperate nak anak lagi!

Anyway...Deviating from the topic, why ah I always get distracted in my prayers? Short term memory ke apa? Sometimes, can't be certain of what rakaat I am in. Like, what the hell! Tak sampai 5 minit kot!
So, betullah setan ni suka mengacau! Confirm!

If an atheist don't believe in God and benda-benda ghaib, we should ask them to perform solat. Mesti diorang rasa why ah, I can't remember, why am I unsure of what I just did. So weirddd...

Friday, May 1, 2015

I enjoyed my time in Nepal. It was my last trip with my friends before I got pregnant and soon afterwards, my two friends got married.

I went there unprepared. I never hit the gym, and the only exercise I did was the walking/ jogging I did was during work, and I tried to use the stairs as much as I can.

We arrived in the dusty city, which felt like I was transported back to 1970s. Well, I never really experienced the 70s, but it felt like it, like I was one of the extras in the classic movies.

We rode the bus, cruising along the narrowest roads, saw the deepest valleys, breathed the freshest air. We jungle trekked and climbed the mountain (I whined under my breath all the time). We drank water from the river (seriously, we survived on water purifying tablets- double the recommended dose, just in case).

The locals are mostly nice and friendly. We met someone who was not very fond of us Malaysians, probably because of the ill treatment he received when he visited Malaysia and Singapore. Most of them have relatives working in Malaysia. You know, he might be that waiter who serve you at Oldtown Kopitiam...

Their stories are sad and poor. Children, being children, got excited to see tourists, with English better than most Malaysian children (and they don't even go to proper schools!), they asked for simple things like chocolates and sweets. We sacrificed our energy bars to them. They even appreciated the little boxes of raisins!

It is a beautiful country. Poor, but beautiful. A part of us wanted Nepal to remain untouched, so we can enjoy the nature for years to come. But the people need progress. They have to catch up years of developments.

I returned to Malaysia with a better attitude towards the foreigners, now that I know how difficult their lives are. They come for a better future, and better is what I want to give to/ share with them.

Nepal is in a very unfortunate state currently. Tak kesahlah walaupun bukan negara Islam, tapi I really feel for her. It's like, sudah jatuh, ditimpa tangga.

To those who share the video of them killing the buffalos, well, please have some hearts. Tak payah nak kait-kaitkan benda tu dengan musibah sekarang. How insensitive! That's like, saying Kelantan deserved to be flooded for God knows why.

Stay strong, Nepalis. I wish I could do more to help...

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I met an asnaf.
He has two wives and 17 children.
I was so upset. Like, "Dahlah kau tu tak ada duit! Lepas tu kahwin dua, pastu anak ramai, pastu pandai pula kau minta zakat! Kalau dah tak mampu tu, buatlah cara tak mampu!"

I whined to my colleague. "Inilah lelaki!"
"Wait, wait...Bukan nak defend dia, tapi dia kaya masa dia kahwin dua tu."
"Oh, okay. Kalau macam tu, I tak sakit hati sangat. Hehehe..."

According to this man, I don't know how true it is, he used to own a chain of restaurants. Then, he fell ill and he was told that he only had a few months to live. So, he sold all his property, I assume, to pay all his debts, and now, he's left with nothing.

Ehem, kalau dah banyak hutang tu, tak kaya lah tu kan...Benci betul dengan orang yang mengaku kaya tapi sebenarnya banyak hutang ni.

"Habis tu, kenapa dia buat business balik? Dah 3 tahun, tak mati lagi," I asked my colleague.
"I asked him the same thing. Dia cakap, lepas ni dia nak buka restoran balik."

Ala, you guys pun tahu kan imagination I ni macam mana.
I started to think maybe he was not a good husband, lepas tu diuji Tuhan, lepas tu dia insaf.
Seriously, my mind can make drama...

Anyway, below is such a good article. I agree 100 percent! I highly encourage you guys to read it. :)
I am still emotionally unstable, but I am better now.
My son is asleep and I decided to browse the Internet like I used too. You know, wasting time...

Anyway...So, there's this guy who people might perceive him as an all-rounder. He has a good career, earn a good income, manages to do side business, looks like he has a decent family and he even has time to explore his artsy side.

I worked with him before he quit and pursued better things in life.

If you ever worked with him before...Phew...What a horrible character. He never did things directly to me (I joined shortly just before he resigned), but my staff hated him so much.

They were all invited to his farewell party.
I saw the invitation card. But none of them went.

"Kenapa korang tak pergi makan-makan?" I asked.
"Kitorang tak hingin...Lagi suka dia berhenti kerja. Cepat-cepatlah keluar dari sini!"
"Apa yang dia buat sampai korang tak suka sangat dekat dia?"

All of them sat around me and told me
- Dia pernah baling barang dekat kita, Miss...Barang tu dah lah kotor, melekit-lekit...
- Dia suka maki kitorang, Miss...Macam-macam dia kata...Tau lah dia tu boss, kitorang ni staff biasa je...Tapi kita ni manusia juga...
- Basically, they told me that he's such an egoistic, arrogant person.

I have a confession.
Whenever I see terrible attitudes, I always wonder how can that person be married. Like, how can someone fall in love with a person like that! And, I always imagined, the spouse must be equally bad...That's why they belong together. Or, I would sympathize the spouse because he/ she is so unfortunate to end up with someone like that. Hehehe...Me and my imagination!

The reason I am writing is...
I found his blog. If I was a stranger, I would totally envy his success.

But, I know his story and I wouldn't glorify someone with that kind of attitude, no matter how successful he is.

Which makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't compare myself with other people. I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Nobody is perfect. Being me is okay too, with flaws and all...I'm not as successful, but at least I have better relationship with my staff.

This is a dark secret.
It's bad...
For me to find faults in other people to make myself feel better.
I am no saint because I've got a hint of happiness when I find out someone is less than perfect.
Like, 'I win! You are no better than me...'
My heart is not pure for feeling like this.
Ustadz would say saya ni busuk hati sikit.
That's the truth, and that's how I am feeling right now, that's my Postsecret and I am not proud of it.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

My niece was using my laptop to watch cooking shows lah, Pocoyo lah, Upin dan Ipin lah, when suddenly she asked me, "Auntie Ectopy, semua orang tua akan mati ke?" and I said, "Yes." Then, she asked me, "Like Tok *****?"

Father. It's so nice that everybody in this family, adults and the kids, still remember Father. He had left us for about 4 years now...Which means, my two nieces were 3 years old when he passed away.

Even my son, who has never met Father, and who has not talked yet (oh, my!!!), would sometimes grunts at his pictures, which are hanging along the stairs. And I would say, "Yes...That's Tok *****."

Yesterday, we went to visit my aunt and uncle. My uncle commented that my son looks like his grandfather. I agree. My husband agrees. When my son was born, he didn't look so much like neither me nor my husband. When we studied his face, we came to a conclusion that he looks like Father. Even the way my son walks sometimes, resembles how Father walked.

I'm so bad. I rarely visit Father's grave. I hope by remembering him in my prayers would be enough. Sometimes, when I'm mad at my brothers, I remind myself that at least they go to Father's grave more often than I do.

People might think my eldest brother is such a lazy bum. I mean, he's smart, but he's so lazy...Tapi, dia yang paling rajin pergi kubur and he keeps Father's grave neat.

His kids are regulars too. Sometimes, when two of my nieces meet, their conversation goes like, "Dah lama tak pergi kubur Tok *****." The other would say, "Ha ah lah...Dah lama dah tak pergi. Papa! Kenapa kita dah lama tak pergi kubur Tok *****? Nanti kita cuti, kita pergi tau!"


I wrote a post about the miracle I experienced...

Here's another miracle story... :)

Friday, April 24, 2015

I want to do something that can cheer me up.

Tried to do online shopping. Too many choose from. I ended being too lazy to browse them all.
Tried to book for a holiday for the long weekend. But seems like many places are all booked.
Tried to read. But some of the short stories/ articles are so sad.
Maybe I should get a new phone since my current's screen is cracked, abused by Baby K. My phone is only one year old! Sheesh...
Or, get a new jewellery, but my husband just surprised me with a necklace two weeks ago.

I searched online on how to be happy. In one of the articles, it mentioned that money helps. But only temporary. So, yeah, whatever I wanted to try above, actually won't make me happy, but will definitely temporarily cheer me up. I'll do whatever I can lah, okay, temporary pun okay what...

What do you do to cheer yourself up?

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Work is not too busy currently. But, I am overwhelmed with personal issues and...Well, work.
As I wrote earlier, I had a bad 2 weeks, been dreaming about work, clients and other stuff I don't want to think about when I am sleeping ie: resting. I have headaches so often...

Anyway, last night, I dreamt I was back at the place where I completed my tertiary education. I was shopping, meeting my old friends and it was a great dream!

I went to work as usual. In between, I texted my husband about my dream. Then, I told him that we should go for a holiday. Or for a karaoke at least. I haven't screamed in a very long time. Maybe it would help. He didn't reply.

At about 4.30pm, I decided to perform Asar before heading home. I was all alone and suddenly, I cried. Just a little. I don't know lah. I thought about my past sins and everything.

After I finished my doa, I grabbed my phone. My husband had sent me a reply, telling me he's at the house waiting for me to come home. Surprise!

Alhamdulillah! My mood turned 360 degrees. I instantly became happy! Thank you, God, for still loving me, and thank you God, for this surprise gift.

It was indeed a miracle. Within 5 minutes, I was all smiles, recovering from my tears.

Allah is here, looking after me afterall...I feel so loved...

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Damn, sometimes I feel like I just want to quit this rat race. I just want to chill, and focus on something else, something new.

I talk to myself a lot, not out loud, but in my head. It makes my head hurt. Sometimes, all I want to do is to fall asleep so I can get some rest and think about other things, but I wake up tired because I've been dreaming the stuff I want to avoid in the first place!

So annoying.

I wish I can tell my husband more about what's going on in my mind/ life. I'm sure he will be wonderful about it, but I prefer to keep quiet. I have this fear that his replies won't satisfy me. Or, he won't understand and I'd end up explaining more to him about my situation than me expressing myself --> it'll defeat the purpose of telling him in the first place.

I just want a peaceful mind. Like, please, voices in head, just shut up and stop thinking too much.