Thursday, October 8, 2015

A few days ago, I met some friends. We were talking about the good old times.

We were poor so we were always trying to save money, especially when we were travelling.

So, we were on a train in Switzerland. Confirm lah mahal kan...But I was hungry, and the menu was in French. I ended up ordering the cheapest plate. When the plate arrived, I saw 6 little pieces of cheese. No wonder it was cheaper than the rest, it was a cheese plater! And I was still hungry after eating it! So much for 15 euros!

Next, we were in Spain. After finishing our tour, we were brought to a restaurant, we knew it was going to be expensive, but all of us can't say No. So, we ordered the cheapest meal, which turned out to be aubergines with olive oil. I didn't like aubergines but I had to eat something! What an awful meal...But, I do eat aubergines now...

Another incident was at the airport. My friend needed coffee, so she went to Starbucks and ordered the cheapest drink. She was young and innocent. All she got was a very small cup of espresso! She was like, "Betulke ni?"
"You order ape?"
"Espresso memanglah kecik!"
To sweeten her espeesso, she put a lot of milk, and ended up drinking the free milk provided instead. Multiple small cups of free milk to quench her thirst.

Kelakar pulak bila fikir balik.


My niece was quarrelling with my son. We were at the dinner table.

Me: Lisa, please share the food!
Niece: No!
Me: Tak baik tau macam tu! Orang tamak selalu...???
Niece: MAKAN!!!


Me: Orang tamak selalu rugi!!!

It's a shame, I do judge people.

I judge those who drive Proton Wira and Proton Saga as slow drivers. I hate driving behind them. I hate driving behind a Toyota Hilux too. From my observation, they are generally oblivious, ignorant and too proud. Also, driving behind a heavily tinted car is such a pain. They block my view and it's difficult to guess whether I can cut them or not.

I judge other types of people too.

Like, one time, someone mentioned in Facebook that she still have not received the Zakat money meant for her children for school. It was already in the middle of the year. Okay, to me, she should not vent it out so publicly. I was already quite uncomfortable when I read her status. I mean, you ask for help, but you complaint about the helper? Hmm...

Then, a few weeks ago, I found out she is going to re-marry and she was scouting for a place for her wedding. From her status, I assume she managed to book a hall.
Eh, just a few months ago you were claiming to be an asnaf. Now, you get enough money for a dewan meh?
Okay, no judging, perhaps her future husband is rich and is willing to afford their wedding. Hmm...

Oh, since I work quite closely, but not directly, with this type of applicants...
There was this incidence when my boss was flipped to find out that some of the applicants for Zakat are still smoking.

I pun tak tahulah nak bagi respons macam mana.

And, I do judge smokers who in actual reality, could not afford it. Kalau nak rokok, tapi you kaya, I don't mind...Seriously, it's your body.

I judge those who apply for Zakat, but wear nice clothes and demand for first class service. I judge the client I had, whose one of the daughters is a pharmacist and is married to an Oil and Gas engineer, but still asked for Zakat money because, "We just got married." I judge the MAS pensioner, who initially said they can afford RM30k, but suddenly changed their minds saying they can only fork out RM10k, and when Zakat approved of RM10k (instead RM20k), the whole family was so dissatisfied about it...When our job is to inquire about cost, they became very rude, dah lah rude, lepas tu nak suruh rujuk badan kebajikan for another RM10k. Hish!

I judge those who encourage homebirths. I always find those are vocal about their ideas are not the certified experts in that fields. They always act alim but true scholars will never comment on anything outside their knowledge. A scholar of Fiqh, would even refuse to answer questions on Hadith, for example.

I judge my husband's friends who think Selangor is so lucky because the schools get cuti darurat due to haze. WTF?! You think it's fun to breath dirty air? You superficial, ungrateful, narrow minded human!

I judge hardcore pro breastfeeding moms. Kau bukannya doktor yang tahu why some people can't breastfeed, tiba-tiba nak keluar statement condemning those who don't breastfeed. Out of the line! I managed to breastfeed my son for 2 years, itu pun rasa bersyukur dan bertuah. There are many reasons why some people can't breastfeed, cuba be open minded sikit about it.

I judge people who like to share things on social media without doing a background check on the issue (except for charity cases). Some go viral when in actual fact, semua itu adalah palsu! People are vulnerable. And to those who started it, why would you create a false news in the first place?!

I judge the woman who said noone can understand if you've never given births before. Eh, what about maternal instinct? Such an insensitive statement. I remember how hurt I was, because I didn't have a child yet at that time.

I judge those who comment
- Kenapa cakap English, tak cakap Melayu
- Kenapa bagi budak pakai harness macam anjing
- my unemployed, ganja smoking cousin but pura pura alim and talk politics all the time

Yeah, I judge them and many more...I guess I am not a good person yet...

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

A reminder to myself:

Most people only share their happy stories online. So, don't get too jealous/ upset when you find yourself wondering how the hell do they have such perfect lives?!

Stay positive and stay real.

We have our ups and downs. Tak guna pun nak dwell in self pity. There are certainly so many other things to be thankful for in our lives.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

I cried every time I see the picture of the young Syrian boy on Facebook, even though I quickly scrolled the page to avoid the emotion.

Oh, little boy  T___T

Cannot tahan... :(

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

My son says:
Na for his cousin.
Wok for his grandmother.
Eek for his makcik/ bibik.
Dedi for his daddy.

But no mommy yet.


He also says:
Bop for stop
Moh for no.
Dah for sudah.
Ish for finish.

I don't know what other words can he say, but that's enough for me. Even though the progress is slow, at least he progresses. It's such a relief since I couldn't take him to see the speech therapist regularly.

Work is crazy. Or, I am the one who's going crazy. Because I have this constant thought of quitting.

Quitting sounds like a luxury, but I know, in reality, I really like to see the numbers in bank account. I don't use much money, but I like looking at the figure which gives me a sense of security, you know, in case of anything...

So, I've been proposing the idea of changing my career ro my husband, and he finally says okay. I think it is partly because I keep asking the same questions every day. The thing about my career is, I am pretty much stuck. I don't know what else I can do, especially in this current economy. I need to be innovative. I have ideas, I just don't know how to execute it. Don't have the right contacts and guidance.

If I decide to take the plunge, I don't think it will be anytime soon, unless I have a major meltdown.

Sometimes, I think, it is time to take the risks. Calculated risks, of course.

I am tired every day. From what I read, I might suffer from chronic fatigue. I don't remember when was the last time I had uninterrupted sleep, that was probably before I gave birth, or when I truly feel rested and at peace, no matter how much sleep I had, or how much relaxation I did.

I am so drained from driving every day, not having my weekends, not being able to wake up late, I always have to be contactable, phone buzzing and ringing all the time, not being able to enjoy long weekends like normal people do...

I just want to quit and do nothing for a while. Then, maybe, enroll myself to a cooking/ baking class, not being a professional, let loose and enjoy being at my own pace, instead of always running to meet all sorts of datelines and SOP, worrying why I am still studying when some of my younger colleagues have already achieved the qualifiations.

I've had it. I want to stop competing. Be happy by just being adequate. I don't want to win, I don't think I can. So, I just want to not think about work...

Man, I need therapy.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I realize I might have sounded ungrateful in my last post.

I'm sorry.

It's so hard to please everybody and it's difficult to portray what I am feeling especially when I am not an eloquent person, not a good writer either.

Still, I feel the need to clarify things, or explain myself. Just, not right now...

Because, like I said before, all I want is, for the next 6 weeks to be over so I can reclaim my energy.

Nauseous again...
I wanted 6 children.
I am carrying my second and I am already so tired and drained. I have this nauseous feeling, which I try to hold in as long as I could, because you know, vomiting doesn't taste nice and I need the nutrient to absorb into my body for the baby...But, at the same time, you know vomiting is the only way that can make you feel better. And you are scared to eat more afterwards.

I've vomited on my way to work and spilled the plastic bag while trying to park the car. FML.

I told myself, 6 weeks more to go, and it's done.
But 6 weeks feel sooo loonngg to pass by...

And Baby K is still breastfeeding...
And no husband by my side.
But, Mother is very kind and helpful.

I wish I can take a month of unpaid leave. I would if I had the option. I can't.

And again, I wish I can just be a tai tai. Wake up at whatever time I want, sleep at whatever time I want, never have to think about presentations or such, no responsibilities...Rest and rest until first trimester is over...Indahnya...

I'm feeling like shit and this is only my second pregnancy. Berangan nak anak ramai...(I told my husband we need to have more children - so we have spares if they die, OMG, why do I even think about that, I don't know - so it's easier for them to have guarantors...Who would've signed an agreement as a guarantor if not family? Ketua Kampung?

Why oh why can't I have children without feeling so hormonal like this?
Right now, all I want to do, is to stay in bed, all day long...

Friday, July 17, 2015

Boarding the plane soon. Hope noone notices my baju raya...Coz I bought it online je...Hahaha...Perhaps I should change into something more casual...Hhmmm...
I burnt my baju raya this morning.

Burnt. Hole.

Nasib baik I ni jenis yang tak dramatis and jenis tak berapa kisah.

Tapi sedihlah jugak... :(

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Kasihan tengok baby baby yang sakit, sengsara...Tak sanggup tengok sebab baby baby tu innocent and helpless. Saya selalu berharap, biarlah sakit tu saya yang tanggung, bukan anak yang seksa.

Itu baru tengok anak demam dan batuk selsema. Belum lagi kalau anak disahkan berpenyakit barah dan melarat.