Sunday, December 23, 2018

My son loves his school but we will change school starting next year.
It breaks my heart, because I really want to be loyal and supportive to his old kindy, but I guess, it is no longer convenient for us.

I remember when looking for a school, I was specific about wanting it to be Montessori, colourful, cheerful...And I found it. It is a small and new school, with minimal number of students.

I know the teachers, who are the owners, are doing it because they are passionate about it. They are not doing it for the money...Come on, RM300 per month for 7-10 students, that's like barely RM1500 per month (they only have 2 teachers). I don't think they are making any profits yet, and I really, really wish they would because they are such good people, but I just can't continue there.

Mother says it's too far away, we need a bus, I no longer have a maid, my son wants to learn Chinese...

The new school, it's a little crowded, and I don't like the toilet. There's Mandarin subject, so I don't have to pay RM60 per hour to a tutor (yes, I looked around for a tutor). I'm not planning to enrol him to a Chinese school (my only criteria is- a school that is close to my house), but because he keeps asking me for Mandarin class, so here we are, at a new school...

I'm getting too emotionally attached to his old school that it feels like I'm going through a tough break-up.
Tsk. Itu pun nak nangis...

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Friday night.

I dreamt that I went to London with one of my bosses. We had a walk on Oxford Street (looked more like the street in the town I used to study), met up with my friends and went to a Japanese restaurant I used to frequent 10 years ago.
They thought my boss and I looked cute together and we had to explain that we are with different people, I have 2 kids back home.

Somehow, I am always relieved when I remember this information even when I'm dreaming. It's like- kids, Mommy never forgets you!

After that, my boss and I continued walking. Suddenly, I remembered we were supposed to catch a train to go to Japan (Paris made more sense, actually). So, we were rushing to the train station.
I was thinking- how could I forget this! I forgot, I forgot!

Saturday night.

I was in Palestine with a group of people. We were on a tour. There were safe zones and dangerous zones. We need to go through dangerous zones to get to the safe zones.

We were warned to stay as discrete as possible in dangerous zones. When were in dangerous zones, we had to walk fast and keep our heads down. But, somebody bumped into me and I blew my cover. I was chased. I had to run and crawl through small and dark alleys to get to the safe zone.

We had our meals and watched a documentary about Palestine. But that fella kept watching from outside, just waiting for the moment to catch me.

To return to the airport, again, we had to briefly pass the dangerous zone. Since I was already targeted, putting the entire group at risk, we had to be really quick.

But I got left behind. Every body was saving their own life. There was a group of Taiwanese flight attendants. They helped to cover me.

At the airport, the flight attendants used the express lane. I sneaked in with them, but got caught. They asked for money. They thought I didn't have cash, wanted to use my credit card, and my card didn't go through. They said I had to stay behind and get on the next flight.

Suddenly, they said it would be best for me because the Israelis would be waiting for at the aeroplane and that could jeopardise my whole family.

- I didn't remember any of my family coming with me on that trip
- how did they know someone is chasing after me
- is it just an excuse for me to miss my flight, or do they genuinely wanted to help me?

Suddenly, I remembered Mother said- whatever you do, get on that plane.

I increasingly became skeptical and followed my instinct to leave the room at the very last minute to be on that aeroplane.

I woke up before I knew whether I made it or not.
Wow, so intense.

Sunday night.

I did recall the dream this morning but I couldn't remember while writing this.
All I know is- it was also about rushing to catch a flight. I was in India this time.

For the past few days, I've been feeling tired despite having adequate hours of sleep.
After I woke up this morning, I googled on what it means...I've had the same dream 3 nights in a row- rushing. Always rushing.

Rushing to catch a train/ flight.
Rushing to go to a destination.
Afraid of missing a transportion.

And it makes me sad...If the interpretation was true, it makes me sad that I am at this point of my life. Hhmmm...

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

When I was in primary school, my routine was: Sekolah Kebangsaan, Sekolah Agama, kelas mengaji, playground, dinner, TV and sleep.

I rarely had homework because I usually finished them at school.

Anyway, I was so bersemangat, I remember Mother asked me frequently- tak penat ke?

Yup, I was always on the move. Mostly main. Like, after school/ mengaji class, must find time to play!

In fact, Mother still asks the same question if I've been working non-stop. One time, I worked for 36 hours, then went out to watch a movie with my friends. "Tak penat ke?"

As a kid, I don't remember feeling tired. I okay je...


The other day, my colleague was telling me about her childhood.

Sekolah Kebangsaan Cina, then
Organ class
Piano class
Taekwando class
Gymnastic class
Ballet class
Malay class
Mandarin class
Swimming class


Me: Parents you tak kerja ke?
Her: I was raised by my maid. But I still had to wash my own shoes and fold my own clothes. I changed clothes in the car. Then I quit most of it after secondary school.

Me: I want to be like your mom. I wish my parents had sent me to more classes. Now, I have no skills. At least, if I knew how to play piano, I can quit my job and become a piano teacher.
Her: Yeah lor...They make good money too!

I want to send my kids to 4 extra class
- kelas mengaji
- music class (must know how to play one instrument)
- taekwando (currently attending)
- swimming class (soon)
Bonus: Mandarin class

If they ever complaint or question my decision, I will tell them
- I only have 2 kids, so I need to raise you both right
- If somehow you end up hating your job, I want you to have the option to change the direction of your career. Maybe you can open a martial arts centre? Don't be stuck like me
- My friend attended way more classes than you and she survives! Look at her now, so successful...

*Tiger mom mode on*

Actually, I always want to be that tiger mom, but I don't even have time to send my kids to these extra classes. How lahhh...

*Tiger mom fails*

Friday, November 16, 2018

I remember listening to this song when I was in university.

I thought it was a sweet song. You know, calling out for all the beautiful girls out there...
We are all beautiful...

And now, this

Eee...I like, I like...!


Anyway, I was singing in the car...
And my daughter and son seemed to enjoy the song too...

But my son sang- Hey, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful NINJA!

Me: Dia cakap 'Beautiful angel' lah!
Son: Taklah! Dia cakap 'Ninja'.

Then, I listened to it again and found the 'Ninja'.

Thursday, November 15, 2018

I've been following TwoSet Violin for a while now and oh, my, I feel like a teenager all over again because I have a huge crush on them. Haha.

I wish I knew them sooner before their Kickstarter project because I definitely would have gone to Singapore just to watch them.

No other artists have made feel this way. But violinists...Say nothing and just play, and I'd fall hard! Extra points because they make smart and funny videos!

And, for your info, my music background is like, an atom size, because I only learnt to play recorder in primary school. I don't know how to play any instrument, I don't know how to read notes, I'm tone deaf, I have no idea whatsoever about classical music...
I used to play Piano Tiles. Haha. Does that even count?
And, I love Canon in D, I wished it was my wedding song.
And, at least, I appreciate Beethoven and Mozart, have gone to their museums AND did not feel bored when touring the museums.

Bonus trivia: I bought Classical Music For Babies for me to play for my son when he was a baby. I used to play it on loops, because I believe it would make a person smarter. Then we moved house, I stopped because I felt guilty, I should've played the Quran recital instead. (-__-")


These two guys are not even good looking...Seriously, why do I like them so much! I don't even understand classical music.

I like Brett with the old hairstyle, but I prefer Eddy just because he's taller. Haha.

(I don't go for looks, I'm not supercial! But I like the taller guy- okay, maybe I am superficial. Hhmmm...)

Actually, I swing between the two of them. Haha. After I go through their videos, I like how Brett carries himself and I like the way he thinks.

I like them maybe because they remind me of my own youth. My friends and I (in school and university), we were so silly! Sometimes, we often question, are we seriously good students, haha.
BTW, I was not a good student, I was considered a good student because of the course I was taking in university. Hah!

We were crazy back then, shooting silly videos of ourselves, (but we didn't upload it on Youtube because it was too embarassing, plus, we needed to study, no time mah!).
If we laughed so much, we would question the food that we ate- is there alcohol in this, why are we laughing like a drunk bunch...


You know what...
Actually, the things I like about Brett and Eddie, are packaged into one person- my husband.
I just realized this after talking to a friend.

But, I still want to have a crush on them! Love yah, Brett; love you, Eddie...*kisses*
I promise I won't go crazy if my kids want to be musicians and I won't look down at musicians.

What a revelation!

Monday, October 29, 2018

Whenever I put on a beauty mask, my eldest would ask me, "Kenapa Mommy pakai benda tu?"
"Sebab Mommy nak jadi cantik," I answered.

Last week, he saw me in a beauty mask again.
This time, his question was, "Bila Mommy nak jadi cantik?"


Friday, October 19, 2018

I am against forced marrieage.
This includes child marriages, when the child is not ready yet.
Also, including child marriages, even if the child agrees, because as we know, a child can be easily influenced, manipulated, and whatever understanding that a child has, won't even come close to the reality of marriage.

I'm also against unplanned pregnancy. Especially, when they shouldn't be pregnant for health reasons.
How selfish can that be? You can die. Your baby can die. Your wife can die. Your other children can lose their mother. And you knew but you don't care.
Then, you come to the hospital, expecting to be saved. God can save you, but what are you doing?
Of course, I can't be mad if they are already taken all the necessary preventions and they still get pregnant, I consider that a miracle. Hehe.

Anyway, what makes me write today is the news of the Sabahan young mother with 4 children, and she ended up slitting all 4 children and herself.

She's 30 years old with 4 kids, aged 8 months to 8 years.
She had her first when she was 18, she was pregnant at 17.

What I did when I was 16? I shook my niece because she was crying when I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone.
It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened.
I quickly snapped out of it and felt insanely guilty, but that quickly thought me why a teenager shouldn't be left alone with a baby. It scarred me until today.
I didn't hate my niece, I love her with all my heart, but I still shook her to shut her up.
And...I was supposed to take care of her for 1 hour only, max 2 hours, while my mom went for mengaji Quran and while waiting for her parents to come home from work.

I was most rebellious when I was a teenager. I was horrible, impatient, irritable. And I was considered to be good one.
Imagine, even me, as a good teenager (comparing to the rest of my peers), can't even hold my temper.

What I'm trying to say is- you can be mature at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, you can be intelligent emotionally, but, usually you don't have the patience yet to deal with kids. Because you yourself is still a kid.

So, yeah, no.
When you are young, you are not supposed to have children. Be committed to your work or studies instead. You can get married, but don't have children so early.
(A couple of my friends did this, get married at 20 and 22 years of age, went to the US and Australia with their spouse, have sex and all, but no children until they are ready)

Once, I read a comment, a mother of many children, who is so proud- Saya boleh minta tolong anak yang sulung untuk jagakan adik-adiknya. Umur 9 tahun tapi boleh mengemas rumah dan memasak.

Wow, you are proud of making your daughter as your maid? She's supposed to be studying and playing. Not taking care of YOUR babies. That is not her responsibility, that is yours.

I'm sure our mothers and our grandmothers did it. They did it because they didn't have a choice. They didn't know how to contracept.

Most of them had children who died in their hands, those days. I'm sure they didn't want that. Nobody wants that.

Did you know what they did to cope? They gave away their children. Not all, but most did. If they didn't, they must be the lucky, affordable ones.

Do you know what impact it has on the children who were given away? They were scarred for life, feeling unwanted, unloved, 'Why me?'. I know because my husband is a child who was given up. He's in his 40s and still finds it difficult to forgive, despite knowing why his mother had to.

To me, if you want many children, biarlah berkemampuan. Bukan every time you bagi excuse, accident...Orang accident kereta banyak kali pun, patut masuk jail and tarik balik lesen memandu.

Anyway, I sympathize this young mother. I assume she meroyan, I don't know, maybe she is schizophrenic instead, who knows. But, I hope she will get the help she needs. My heart goes to her and her family.

Monday, October 15, 2018

My friend shared in the Whatsapp group, her son's kindy teacher sent her a message-
Tadi saya bagitau Hariz, Mama balik awal hari ni. Tapi dia menangis. Saya rasa Hariz rindu Mama dia.

Yes, it's so heartbreaking to see that crying face. He is only 5, as old as my son. My friend is so hardworking. She always comes back at 8-9pm. She would spend the weekends at the library to study, or attend courses.

Maybe that's the reason he cried when his teacher told him Mama is coming earlier than usual.

I can't be that person. I'm not that strong. I'm always telling myself that my family is number 1.

I would finish my work on time. I hate spending time in the car to and fro my workplace. I avoid courses during the weekends.

Maybe that's why I'm not as successful as her. But, I make sure I'm there as much as I can with my children. So, I can't complaint. Just be grateful with what God has planned for me so far.

I'm already missing the kids when they are asleep.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

We were working, it was nearing lunch time, and we had seen our last client.
We were ready for a break when she came. My staff told me, there was another person left.

I sighed and got irritated. Why did she come so late? In other places, we would have rejected her. She was late for her appointment.

I quickly called her to my room. We greeted each other. She was an elderly and came alone.

Our meeting was brief. It was straight to the point. I wanted to finish on time.

"Anything else? Mau tanya apa-apa?" I asked, typically to signal the end of the conversation.

Even though I was slightly annoyed, I did not show it. I smiled and made her comfortable throughout.

She then said, "Awak sangat baik. Sangat baik. Awak tak marah saya pun."

That, made me feel embarassed. There I was, thinking that she was a hassle, when in return, she thought I was kind.

Hypocrite much?

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

When I heard a grown man cried, no, not cried, wailed, as if telling us, help me, I couldn't but felt really, really sorry for him.

I texted my husband- Kesian kan jadi orang gila?

He came with a knife.

I immediately jumped into conclusion- he might had tried to kill himself. Why? Maybe he heard noises. Maybe he saw shadows. Maybe he was under a huge stress.

I texted my husband- Patutlah orang gila masuk syurga. Kesian sangat...


After he became calmer, he told us- he took ganja and ketum. At least, I presumed one correct, he did see shadows .

However, I felt betrayed. I felt cheated. There I was, sympathising you, but in actual fact, you just brought it upon yourself.

I was furious with him, for making me believe that he was a genuine case of schizophrenia. How silly of me...