Wednesday, September 2, 2015

My son says:
Na for his cousin.
Wok for his grandmother.
Eek for his makcik/ bibik.
Dedi for his daddy.

But no mommy yet.

Why!!!

He also says:
Bop for stop
Moh for no.
Dah for sudah.
Ish for finish.

I don't know what other words can he say, but that's enough for me. Even though the progress is slow, at least he progresses. It's such a relief since I couldn't take him to see the speech therapist regularly.

Work is crazy. Or, I am the one who's going crazy. Because I have this constant thought of quitting.

Quitting sounds like a luxury, but I know, in reality, I really like to see the numbers in bank account. I don't use much money, but I like looking at the figure which gives me a sense of security, you know, in case of anything...

So, I've been proposing the idea of changing my career ro my husband, and he finally says okay. I think it is partly because I keep asking the same questions every day. The thing about my career is, I am pretty much stuck. I don't know what else I can do, especially in this current economy. I need to be innovative. I have ideas, I just don't know how to execute it. Don't have the right contacts and guidance.

If I decide to take the plunge, I don't think it will be anytime soon, unless I have a major meltdown.

Sometimes, I think, it is time to take the risks. Calculated risks, of course.

I am tired every day. From what I read, I might suffer from chronic fatigue. I don't remember when was the last time I had uninterrupted sleep, that was probably before I gave birth, or when I truly feel rested and at peace, no matter how much sleep I had, or how much relaxation I did.

I am so drained from driving every day, not having my weekends, not being able to wake up late, I always have to be contactable, phone buzzing and ringing all the time, not being able to enjoy long weekends like normal people do...

I just want to quit and do nothing for a while. Then, maybe, enroll myself to a cooking/ baking class, not being a professional, let loose and enjoy being at my own pace, instead of always running to meet all sorts of datelines and SOP, worrying why I am still studying when some of my younger colleagues have already achieved the qualifiations.

I've had it. I want to stop competing. Be happy by just being adequate. I don't want to win, I don't think I can. So, I just want to not think about work...

Man, I need therapy.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I realize I might have sounded ungrateful in my last post.

I'm sorry.

It's so hard to please everybody and it's difficult to portray what I am feeling especially when I am not an eloquent person, not a good writer either.

Still, I feel the need to clarify things, or explain myself. Just, not right now...

Because, like I said before, all I want is, for the next 6 weeks to be over so I can reclaim my energy.

Nauseous again...
I wanted 6 children.
I am carrying my second and I am already so tired and drained. I have this nauseous feeling, which I try to hold in as long as I could, because you know, vomiting doesn't taste nice and I need the nutrient to absorb into my body for the baby...But, at the same time, you know vomiting is the only way that can make you feel better. And you are scared to eat more afterwards.

I've vomited on my way to work and spilled the plastic bag while trying to park the car. FML.

I told myself, 6 weeks more to go, and it's done.
But 6 weeks feel sooo loonngg to pass by...

And Baby K is still breastfeeding...
And no husband by my side.
But, Mother is very kind and helpful.

I wish I can take a month of unpaid leave. I would if I had the option. I can't.

And again, I wish I can just be a tai tai. Wake up at whatever time I want, sleep at whatever time I want, never have to think about presentations or such, no responsibilities...Rest and rest until first trimester is over...Indahnya...

I'm feeling like shit and this is only my second pregnancy. Berangan nak anak ramai...(I told my husband we need to have more children - so we have spares if they die, OMG, why do I even think about that, I don't know - so it's easier for them to have guarantors...Who would've signed an agreement as a guarantor if not family? Ketua Kampung?

Why oh why can't I have children without feeling so hormonal like this?
Right now, all I want to do, is to stay in bed, all day long...

Friday, July 17, 2015

Boarding the plane soon. Hope noone notices my baju raya...Coz I bought it online je...Hahaha...Perhaps I should change into something more casual...Hhmmm...
I burnt my baju raya this morning.

Burnt. Hole.

Nasib baik I ni jenis yang tak dramatis and jenis tak berapa kisah.

Tapi sedihlah jugak... :(

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Kasihan tengok baby baby yang sakit, sengsara...Tak sanggup tengok sebab baby baby tu innocent and helpless. Saya selalu berharap, biarlah sakit tu saya yang tanggung, bukan anak yang seksa.

Itu baru tengok anak demam dan batuk selsema. Belum lagi kalau anak disahkan berpenyakit barah dan melarat.

Kasihan...

Monday, July 13, 2015

I tak berapa nak paham orang Malaysia ni.

Complaint gaji sikit. Tapi bila warga asing datang Malaysia, mereka boleh pula jadi kaya raya. My friend, who owns a warehouse with 3 Bangladeshi workers, pays them about RM3000 per month each. Wow, if a foreigner can earn that much, why can't you? Of course, they don't have the education, but they do have skills. And they are not too young, but in their thirties.

I asked my friend, why are they getting paid so much? My friend said it's because they work hard. They sleep at the warehouse and they make sure they finish their jobs. Sometimes, they sleep at 3am, if the demand is high. Also, they are getting commissions if the sales are increased.

So, I rase, sesuailah untuk seseorang tu gaji tinggi, tapi kerja rajin sampai larut malam. Focus hanya kerja, sebab anak bini dekat Bangladesh. Tak ada nak mengada-ngada MC sebab demam sikit-sikit.

Can you imagine how much can they save when they even sleep at their workplace?

Orang Bangladesh, orang Indonesia, mereka pun Islam juga. Tapi mulalah nak hina orang, naik LRT busuklah...Bila orang Myanmar Rohingya, tiba-tiba terima dengan hati terbuka. Dengan alasan, mereke saudara sesama Islam. Padahal, sebelum ni, marah dengan pendatang asing sebab dapat menguasai ekonomi Malaysia. Hipokrit sungguh. Habis tu, kalau orang tu bukan Islam, tak perlu dibantukah? Di manakah dakwahnya di situ?

I was in Langkawi when the Rohingya arrived. When the hotel's driver picked us up, he told us about them. The locals don't like them. Sebab jealous lah tu...Anyway, I remember feeling guilty to enjoy the holiday, but felt better when we were told that the extra buffet food from the hotel was being donated to the Rohingya (when many condemned that we didn't do anything to help them! What do you know?)

You know, I used to be that girl. I thought I should earn more, because I invested so much when I was in school. I excelled in my exams, so why must I receive the same income as those who don't? It's only fair when I worked so hard, bersusah-susah dulu, bersenang-senang kemudian. My parents always told me I needed to study so I can have a better future.

I am an overseas graduate. I didn't feel special when I come back to Malaysia. Most local grads were sceptical, and they often want to prove to you that an overseas grad is no better than them (we are not, we don't think so, but I always felt some of the local grads have inferiority issues- Sorry, I hope I don't offend anyone when I write this...).

Because of the 'resistance' I used to get, I wonder what was so special to study abroad (unless if you stayed there and migrated there)? The only consolation I tell myself is, at least I got to travel! Haha. Oh, and membawa ilmu pulang ke Malaysia...

Anyway, I aged and am more matured now, and I realized I won't get rich if I don't get into business. Islam tells us that. Setakat makan gaji, memang tak akan kaya.

Tapi, you ingat business tu mudah ke? When you run your own business, you can't simply apply for leaves, you work even when you're home, so I guess, that's fair. Kalau nak business senang-senang tu, mungkin untung tak lama.

There's no such thing as getting rich without doing all the works okay (except when you inherit your parents' wealth, or MLM)...Even models pun kena diet, exercise and stays pretty.

I am not telling the young people that your certs mean nothing. But I am telling what I will tell my children: Belajarlah kerana ilmu. Belajar kerana itu merupakan tuntutan fardhu kifayah. Tak apalah tak kaya, asalkan jadi orang berilmu. Lebih baik jadi orang yang kaya ilmu dan kaya akhlaknya, daripada orang yang kaya harta.

Kalau I nak kaya, buat apa I sambung belajar sampai dah tua-tua ni...Baik I quit my job and you know, kerja dekat private sectors ke...Kerja dengan husband I ke...

Remember, sebaik-baik manusia, adalah orang yang bermanfaat pada orang lain.

Bahagia itu kadang-kadang bukan kerana kita kaya, tapi bahagia itu bila kita dapat membahagiakan orang lain.

Spend not what you can afford, but spend less than what you can afford. Barulah you ada saving untuk hari-hari susah...

However...Haaa...Mesti ada tetapi! Janganlah terus lupakan cita-cita untuk menjadi kaya. Kita mesti kaya, supaya ekonomi kita kukuh. Bila kita kaya, kita dapat membantu ramai orang. If we take high income countries, for example, their crime rates are automatically low, health is also improved. That's why it's important to drive the nation to be a high income country.

Dan itu semua InsyaAllah dapat dicapai dengan adanya ilmu. Lagi bahaya kalau jadi kaya tanpa ilmu, last-last hutang yang bertambah.

Tapi, orang Malaysia, pantang nampak orang kaya. Bila orang kaya, mulalah ada bisikan-bisikan, baik pergi sponsor orang susah, baik pergi Mekah 30 kali, dia senang sebab makan rasuah...

Kenapa mesti dengki dengan kejayaan orang lain? Kalau I, lagilah I bangga. Jangan senang-senang tabur fitnah. Mana you tahu tentang the charity that they do?

Trust me, I have met so many poor people, who gets bantuan kebajikan and zakat, but they are still smoking. I should've just said: Baik berhenti rokok, kumpul duit sara anak...

Actually, I have a boss who would bluntly said, "Pakcik ni umpama membakar duit yang orang bagi." Kena setepek...(Tapi kadang-kadang, Pakcik pula yang marah-marah *rolls eyes*)

So, lets recap my points:

- Belajar kerana mencintai ilmu

- Mesti ada target untuk menjadi orang yang kaya, tapi janganlah gunakan alasan tahap education untuk menjadi orang kaya. Life doesn't work that way.

- Kalau orang lain boleh buat, kenapa kita tak boleh?

- Happiness is not money.

- Perbelanjaan mestilah kurang dari pendapatan. Barulah tak berlakunya zero or negative balance!

- Janganlah dengki dengan orang yang gaji mahal. You might say, tak setimpal dengan tahap pembelajaran dia. Tapi, pada I, mestilah sangat setimpal dengan usaha beliau, dengan kerajinan beliau, dengan pengalaman beliau. You nampak je, orang tu bodoh tahap SPM, tapi you tak tahu penat lelah dia yang lain. You tu penat lelah belajar je. Dia tu mungkin lebih banyak pengorbanan yang dibuat. Kalau tak, kenapa Tuhan limpahkan rezeki pada beliau. Bukankah Tuhan itu adil?

- Tapi, ada juga yang dengki tengok CEO yang kaya. You cakap, kerja dia sign je...Bukan susah pun. You tengok doktor pakar gaji RM200k sebulan, kerja check orang 5 minit je...Korang ni nak apa sebenarnya haaa? Gaji sikit pun marah, gaji banyak pun dengki...Korang tahu ke tanggungjawab yang mereka pikul? Sanggupkah korang oncall macam doktor, kerja yang melibatkan nyawa? Tahu tak CEO tu ada banyak benda lain kena buat, bukan setakat kerja sampai pukul 5, lepas tu balik rumah pergi karaoke?

- Kalau you rasa masih dianiaya di dunia ini, yakinlah dengan hari pembalasan. Anggapkan bila Tuhan tak tunaikan doa you di dunia, sebenarnya Tuhan tu simpan supaya doa kita dimakbulkan di akhirat kelak. Bukankah itu lebih baik?

- Kalau setakat belajar tak pandai, dahlah tak pandai, malas pulak tu, sampai ke tua perangai tak berubah, jangan harap Tuhan nak memperluaskan rezeki yang berkat. (Point yang empat terakhir ni, I tak bahaskan pun dalam perbincangan di atas. But I still want to include them)
I have big dreams for my child.

Like, for example, I wanted to send him for baby swimming class but I never did, and he's no longer a baby.
I wanted to teach him flashcards but I never started because Mother doesn't like messy cards (we live in her house now) and she believes children should just play.
I want to send him to a mixed playschool because I want to be the one who teaches him surah-surah lazim (coz I am tamak pahala like that) and I want him to mix around --> next year's goal.
I want him to learn horse riding and archery and I wanted to bring him to the library on weekends.

But...This weekend, he woke up at 10am. He wanted to play outside and I let him. I pujuk him to mandi. Then, he had a shower and waterplay. I fed him lunch. Then he had his nap. After that, he rode his tricycle. It was time for dinner. Can't do much at nighttime except watched TV and let him play with his cousin. He slept.

Sooo unproductive right...

-____-

How?

Thursday, July 9, 2015

I think I'm pregnant. I want to be pregnant. I haven't gotten my period yet. (It might still irregular at this point since it just returned last month. After sooo looonnggg...)

Anyway, I was in the shower and noticed how big my tummy is. You know what they say, your tummy become more obvious with subsequent pregnancies.

My friend found out she was pregnant because we thought she had a big tummy. She simply couldn't lose the weight after giving birth to her daughter. We kept teasing her, are you pregnant again? And it turned out to be true! Lepas tu, we put our tummy against hers so she could infect us with babies. Hahaha...

Me: Abang, I think I'm pregnant sebab perut I macam besar.
Husband: You makan banyak!

Are you telling me I'm buncit?

Hmm...How it's going to be like to have a long distance relationship when you're pregnant? My husband pampered me the last time. Can I cope?

My child...He's still not talking yet. I've brought him to see the professionals. Alhamdulillah, he passed other aspects, except verbally. I was told he's at 6 months level. Whattt?!
And we are supposed to attend intensive therapy, twice a week. What am I going to tell my boss? Missing work every week? I don't think that's possible. But if I don't, I will be deemed as a bad, selfish mother.

Can't I just send him to a playschool or sometjing to let him mingle?

The bright side is, at least I know he is protected from saying bad words, for now...I always tell myself, Baby K is a thinker, not a talker, just like his name suggests. I mean, even Einstein didn't talk until he was 4 years old...

Baby K, please talk. I know you can.


I had an inspiring client just now.
He was grateful with our service. He called me to see him, "Kenapa tak charge?"
I explained, it's the policy.

"Tapi semua orang baik dengan saya."

He wasn't good in talking in Malay, but from my understanding, he wanted to donate some money. He thought he should be charged.

"Boleh bagi nombor akaun dan nama?"

He didn't look like he's a rich man. But he genuinely wanted to help.

"Saya tak banyak duit, tapi kalau bulan bulan saya ada duit lebih, mungkin RM200 sebulan, saya boleh bagi. Bagi dekat orang miskin, yang banyak anak, anak mahu belajar."

Wahhh...Baiknya Uncle!

Then, I directed him to a proper welfare body. I hope his donation will be put to good use. May God bless you, Uncle.