Monday, December 24, 2007

Kesimpulan 2 cerita

Di butik Louis Vuitton.

Pembeli: Cantik kasut ni...Saya mahu satu pasang.
Penjual: Oh, maaf. Design yang ini sudah out of stock. Design ni sungguh laku.
Pembeli: Habis stok? (Kecewa)
Penjual: Mawi datang beli satu pasang beberapa hari yang lepas. Dia beli sepasang kasut yang ini juga (menunding jari ke design kasut yang lain)
Pembeli: Wah, budak kampung pun beli kasut LV dua pasang!

Kesimpulan: Rezeki Mawi murah. Macam cerita dongeng yang menjadi kenyataan.

Di kedai jam.

Lelaki: Cantik kan jam Breitling itu? RM30000. Jam idaman saya.
Perempuan: Kenapa mahal sangat? Apa yang membuatkannya mahal sangat? Ada emas eh? Lelaki tak boleh pakai emas! Haram! Tak boleh dibawa sembahyang! Tak sah!
Lelaki: Masa sembahyang, saya tanggalkan jam tu, saya tinggalkan pada awak.
Perempuan: Awak jangan nak membazir beli jam mahal-mahal. Yang layak memakai jam RM30000 hanya perempuan macam saya! (Ketawa)
Lelaki: Huh, mengambil kesempatan rupanya...

Kesimpulan: Lelaki tak boleh pakai emas. DAN lelaki mesti membelikan perempuan jam yang mahal. ;)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

i want to feel like a bride

I couldn't make it to my friend's wedding. She must be pretty busy now. So, I called our bestfriend instead. She's going to be the bridesmaid.

Being in and out of the countries make it difficult to keep myself up-to-date.

"Her wedding is going to be beautiful. Since she's taken some time off from work, she concentrates on the details of her wedding all by herself. Like, she would decorate the stairs the way she wants it, putting up lights in the bedroom...But she doesn't make her own hantaran, she said she isn't artsy enough. Haha. Isn't that nice? She really feels like she's gonna get married. Her wedding gown is beautiful too. I like her baju nikah, really pretty. She goes to see the tailor all the time for fittings. It's gonna turn out beautifully. She's really excited about her wedding, like, after she picked up her veil, she called and screamed to me that she had already picked up the veil!"

All I could say was, "Of course her wedding be beautiful, of course". Really, I am happy for her.

I've told myself many times before not to compare myself with others because I will hurt myself, but I couldn't help it!

I went to get my boyfriend's aid. Starting calmly, I told him what she told me about my friend's wedding. Tears started to stream down my cheeks after a few seconds.

"I want a beautiful wedding too. I want to feel like I want to get married too! I want to feel and look beautiful, I want to visit my tailor every other day for fittings. I want to create my own room, my own pelamin, my own door gifts. But I couldn't do all that. I am so busy with my work, I couldn't possibly take some time off for my weddings. I want to feel like I am going to get married. I don't want people to do things for me. I want to be the wedding-planner, I want to feel like a bride getting married," I was really, really sad.

My boyfriend was really understanding, he said, "It's her jodoh now, our time will come. Of course, we will get married. I want to get married too. Don't be sad. I'm sure our weddings will be beautiful. We could go to the tailors on weekends, we will go shopping together, we will make every decision together, you could have it your way. You will feel like you are going to get married too". Then, he hugged me.

Unsatisfied, I continued to pour my heart out, "But I am so busy with work, I wouldn't have the time. Why can't we get married earlier? Why wouldn't my parents let me marry you? We would have married now. Most of my friends are already married. And I found out two more are having babies. And they all are the kinds of people you woulnd't expect to get married earlier than me. We went to school together, they are the hu-ha types of people, not me. I am the one who should be doing all this. It's not fair."

"Sabarlah, okay?" he wiped my tears away.

There was silence in the air. My boyfriend is very good at comforting me. He knows what to say at the right time, and he knows when to just listen, no further comments or replies needed.

After a few while, I said, "Okay."

"We are going to get married soon, just a simple nikah, and when the time comes, you could bersanding and be pretty all you want. You could plan our wedding and I'll help you, I will be there for you. It will be beautiful."

I gave him a short reply, "Hmmm" and I nodded.

I know why I feel sad. I feel sinful. When I was in school, in college, in university, I was the nice one. I didn't have multiple boyfriends, let alone bermaksiatan dengan lelaki.
Now, look at me. I feel like I am the most sinful person of all, I hug and kiss this man who is not my husband.

Why must it be so hard for me to be a good muslimah? I am a nice person.
I always have this ideal relationship in my head, get to know each other for six months, then straight to marriage. No hanky panky involved. I believe that when you fall in love, you don't need that long to know that you are in love. So, why put a marriage on hold?

Everything was according to my plan when I introduced my boyfriend to my parents after six months of loving him. My plan didn't go smooth-sailing.
I don't have a plan B.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007



There's a growth somewhere on my body.
I've noticed it for years, but never consulted a doctor.

My father is worried. He told me he loves me very much, he prays to God to take his life instead of mine.

Father, I am not going to die from it!


I am a bad cook, but at least I am better than my sister. I've been privilaged to learn how to cook because I was away from home. Somehow, when you were a student with limited pocket money to spend, you did all the necessaries to keep you alive and going ie: Belajar memasak.

Mother said: Perempuan kalau tak tahu memasak tu cacat.
I said: Suruh orang gajilah masak...
Mother said: Nanti jadi macam family Auntie R, setiap hari makan dekat luar.
I said: Haaa...Elok je family Auntie R makan dekat luar, tak cacat pon....
Mother said: Tapi duit habislah!

It's bad enough that I am bad cook, worse is I have no interest in cooking.
No interest = No motivation = No improvement = Bad cook
I once read an article about human behaviour towards surveys. According to it, in surveys, we tend to be more open in giving out the details in our lives.

When a stranger comes to you to ask questions about your love life, for example, you wouldn't be comfortable to answer him/ her. However, when given a survey, most of us will give our honest answers.

Another example is when a boyfriend approaches his girl to ask her what kind of flowers she likes but she refuses to answer him. Another guy comes along and gives her a survey: What is your favourite flower? She willingly and happily tells that stranger: White roses.

Isn't that interesting? I find there is some truths in the article. And I wonder why.

Because a survey sounds more interesting and more professional than answering a scary stranger?
Because our minds are tricked for thinking a survey is different from a set of random, personal questions?

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night.
My friend. Can't remember what happened.

2. What were you doing at 0800?

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Watching TV.

4. What happened to you in 2006?

One of the highlights is I fell in love.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
Malaysia. Somebody was asking where was I from.

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Just plain water.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Brown. Been using it for 4-5 years.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Enchanted movie ticket. Overrated.

9. Where were you last night?
Out with friends. Window shopped and watched a movie. That's all.

10. What color is your front door?
Creamy white.

11. Where do you keep your change?
My purse. But I take every opportunity to use it because I don't like bulky purses.

12. What’s the weather like today?
Sunny. Great!

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Chocolate. Most probably Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I only buy them on special occasions, emergency situations (eg: craving or depression) or when it is on sale.

14. What excites you?
Gifts and surprises.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
Yes. I hate my current plain hair. I want my fringe back. Fringe is in.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
You think?

17. Do you talk a lot?
I used to when I was younger but I've learned to keep my mouth shut. I am more reserved now, especially to strangers. I smile a lot though.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
The correct answer is I DID watch the first and second seasons of the O.C.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
No, I don't think so. I can't recall anybody named Steven except for Steven Wakefield, that character from the golden years of Sweet Valley.

20. Do you make up your own words?
Of course! I even give people nicknames.

21. Are you a jealous person?

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
Ashraf. I've known him since I was in primary school.

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Kamal. I've known him since I was in primary school too. One of the richest kids in school.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
My friend, A.

25. What does the last text message you received say?
"K. nanti abg btau k..guna la next year dpt hadiah lain pulak!"

26. Do you chew on your straw?
Sometimes, especially when I wasn't thirsty. I don't chew straws at proper functions too.

27. Do you have curly hair?
When I was small, my hair was so curly, I hated it so much. Now, it isn't as wild as before, and my hair is more wavy than curly.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Out for a shopping trip tomorrow.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
This girl I used to live with. I don't know why, I've never received any rude comments from her but most of my other friends did. I don't hate her, that's just the way she is. She could be sweet and funny too.
Oh, and another girl whom I used to live with. I despise this one. She thought she was pretty and she made rude comments to my friends about looks. Again, I've never been a victim.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Canned green peas.

31. Will you get married in the future?
Yes, once.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
Knocked up.

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
I like many people, but I'm in love with one person only.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Yesterday. No dirty dishes yet today.

35. Are you currently depressed?
No. I am happy!

36. Did you cry today?

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Pruplelillies tagged me.


Seorang lelaki pergi ke bank.
Kelihatan kelibat rakannya yang sudah lama tidak berjumpa.
Rakan lelakinya yang semakin cantik.

Bertegur siapa seperti biasa.

Sejak itu, setiap kali lelaki pergi ke bank, lelaki akan diberikan layanan yang cepat, tak perlu beratur.
Suatu hari, lelaki cantik mengajak lelaki keluar bertemujanji.

Beberapa hari kemudian, di kaunter bank, lelaki cantik tanpa segan silu mengusap-usap tangan lelaki dan mengajak beliau pulang ke rumah untuk mengadakan hubungan intim.


Lelaki bertekad, "Lain kali, aku suruh business partner aku yang pergi bank".

Saya cakap, "How do you feel being harrassed?"


Thursday, December 13, 2007


I shouldn't be writing now but my hands are itchy like that.

I know someone, lets call him Malik, who was a very bright student and good-looking. He lived in Bangsar with his wealthy parents. Earning a five-figure salary every month in the 80s is impressive, don't you think? His father was smart too, graduated from one of the top universities in the world.

I don't know what happened, but his father became a womaniser, spending the company's money like mad. It affected his work performance and was fired. He never reclaimed his glory days after that.

Now, lets talk about Malik. Malik was popular in school. He had everything, good looks, music talents, brain, money. Living in the heart of KL, he was introduced to drugs at an early age. Plus with his family situation, he grew up to be angry and rebellious. Never had a proper tertiery education even. He is now very skinny, old, jobless, all thanks to the drugs.

It is sad to see a boy who used to have so many potentials in him, turn out to be running around the neighbourhood half-naked because he was high on drugs. Once, he even pointed a knife to his own mother.

A successful businessman told another businessman who told me this:
Nak berjaya, perlu ada dua benda
- jangan tinggal sembahyang
- jangan main perempuan

A woman can destroy everything you have ever worked for. Trust me. I've seen it. Some of us can be very poisonous.

I am not familiar with the drug industry in Malaysia. But from friends, I know it is easily available.

Probably because I didn't grow up in an urban area, I was very surprised when an 17 or 18-year-old girl admitted that she is a regular drug user. I thought she was too small and too innocent for drugs and she came from a very good family background. How could she be too stupid to get addicted?

I am trying to understand the minds of drug users. I know, some of them were born unfrotunate, nobody to guide them, too stressed for such young souls, that they turn to drugs for comfort. But there are also those who use drugs because they can. The second kind is the people who purposely invite troubles in their lives. I give them none of my sympathy.

Ganja or weed, to me, is the lowest class of drugs. According to my observation, people who are addicted to weed are normally temperemental. They beat their wives. They can be sweet at times, but they have terrible mood swings.

I could never imagine myself to marry a drug user. Most of the wives knew about their husbands' bad habits before tying the knots. But, we, women, always hope that they will change, because the men promised us so. When we realize it will never change, it is already too late.

I don't know how some women could overlook this fact in finding their husbands.

Haha, look who's saying.

I was involved with a person who was a regular drug user. When I met him, he said he had stopped. I welcomed him in my life.
Things weren't going so well between us, so I called it off, but he always threatened me.
He said he would be so crushed without me, only drugs could numb his sadness.

I didn't want to be responsible of him returning to his bad, old habit, so I gave in, many times. One day, I realized, I couldn't control this guy, he should be responsible for his own act, it is not my fault if he decided pollute his body with drugs, why would I take care of someone who wouldn't want to take care of himself?

I've had enough.

I think, the drug use also contributes to his regular visits to the psychiatry department for therapies.

At first, he blamed me for making him go crazy. I felt guilty for months. This guy has his own ways to abuse me mentally. He stalked me so bad, he once broke into my house to steal my bra. How did I know? He told me so!

The therapy helps him in some ways, I think, because he is no longer angry with me, but I would avoid any possible contacts with him.

Jangan buat jampi-jampi dekat coli tuh, sudah...

Monday, December 10, 2007

My hair is not straight, so?

For the past few years, I have been getting my haircut only once a year.
I am lazy.
I want to keep my hair long, sometimes.

Ever since hair straightening become the 'in' thing several years ago, 'the' question never fails to be directed to me.

"Tak mau luruskan rambut?"

Are you saying my natural wavy/ curly hair is ugly? Did you know it costs so much money to maintain straight hair? I know my hair is already beautiful, you are just saying that because you want more money from me, kan? Do I look like someone who would rather spend money on my hair than food? I am food-lover!

After that, the hairdresser usually asks me this:

"Why not??? Lagi cantik tau kalau rambut lurus."
"Susah nak maintain la..."

"You buat lah permanent...Boleh tahan 4-6 bulan."
"I sebenarnya tak tinggal dekat Malaysia. I tinggal dekat London. Balik Malaysia setahun sekali, kadang-kadang 2 tahun sekali. Mahal tau kalau nak pergi saloon dekat London," this is not exactly a lie, a-quarter-true je...

Now, this reply usually diverts the conversation to how is my so-called life in London, away from getting my hair straightened issue. Staying overseas is always more interesting to talk about than your hair, like, duh!!!

Straightening your hair could damage it if you do it excessively. Even blowing your hair dry every morning is not good for your hair if you don't do it properly.

Do I look like someone who wakes up early in the morning just to get ready for two hours before an hour journey to work?
Do you know how it is, to have your hair straightened, then after a few months, the newly grown hair from the top of your head is curly and wavy half-way...It's ugly!
Don't I look clumsy and lazy enough to follow the tedious proper manual of maintaining my hair religiously?

I hide my bad hair day by wearing a hat or tying my hair up or put some hair accesories on my crown as a distraction.
Cheap, easy and effective!

And sometimes, I really love how my hair is naturally messy. I look more care-free and youthful. Call me weird, but I love it when I just wake up from my sleep, my hair is all over the place, then my boyfriend comes to see me and tells me that I look beautiful, regardless. And he means what he says, I know. He has seen me at my worst and still thinks I'm attractive.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against straightened hair, it is just not for me.

To tell you the truth, I am adventurous when it comes to hair. I am never afraid to try a new hair-do.

"Kalau tanak luruskan rambut...Colour rambut takmau?"

Sorry, I just don't deal with straightening or colouring my hair. Lain-lain hair-do, boleh, no problem!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

drama mama.

Have you ever felt suicidal before?

When I was 18 or 19, I always thought of how I was going to kill. I knew I am not brave enough to slit my wrist or hang myself, so I thought, jumping from the 18th floor is the easiest way to die.
As I know suicide is not accepted in Islam, and I really want to go to heaven, I imaginatively created another way to die:
- Stand by the window, somebody surprises me, I lose control, fall.
- Suddely is woken up by bees swarming over me, I close my eyes, I cannot see, I run and run, and fall.

Both are accidental, so, it is not really my fault if I died, eh?

How severe was this thought? Lets say, whenever I was taking a break from studying, I would look at the window and imagined myself doing the above.
Sometimes, I really stood by the window and bent my body halfway.

One other reason why I like to stand by the window is I like how night breeze brushes softly onto my skin. I feel livelier everytime. Just like when I am at the beach.

Why I wanted to die? Because I thought I was going to fail my exams. I fear the embarassment the most. I'd rather die than repeating my course or settle down for something less than expected.

Oh, did I tell you there was someone who jumped off the building? From the 11th floor, I think. I heard his scream. Or was it the scream of someone who saw him fall? I don't know, but a scary scream that I ignored because I thought it was just another stressed student screaming in the exam season.
I saw his body. I saw big cars came and went. I saw the ambulance and the police cars. I saw his friends.

I thought, wow, somebody actually fell from this building, just like my vision. Thank God he was not me!

I was the craziest at this age, driving madly and secretly hoping I would be involved in an accident, just because I didn't want to study for my exams. I thought, if I was hospitalized, I couldn't sit for the exams.

I passed my exams with flying colours, shocking not only me, but my parents, lecturers and some of my friends.
I am not that stupid afterall.
Cuma drama mama sahaja...Hehehe...

Now, I no longer have suicidal thoughts but I get more depressed.
I don't know how severe is my depression, I am never close to anyone who has depression before.

I cry for no reason.
I notice I cannot be left alone or this depression would cloud over me. Betulkan, bila keseorangan, memang banyak setan.

Do a depressed person know that he/ she is depressed initially?
At what stage should I consult a doctor about this?

Or is this another drama mama part of me?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

banyak dosa.

Berdosakah saya, kalau kadang-kadang, saya malu dengan agama sendiri?
(Selidik dalam-dalam)
Tidak, saya tidak malu dengan agama saya, saya cuma malu dengan penganut-penganut agama saya.

Berdosakan saya, jika saya lebih malu dengan saudara-saudara saya se-Islam yang terlalu fanatik dan 'ridiculous' berbanding dengan saudara-suadara saya se-Islam yang 'non-practitioners'?

Sebagai contoh, baru-baru ini, kecoh dengan teddy bear bernama Muhammad.

Di manakah rasionalnya?

Teddy bear bernama Muhammad tak boleh, tapi nama nabi lain boleh? Ismail, Adam, Daud?
Kalau teddy bear bernama Jesus, boleh tak?

Kalau pun she meant to degrade our religion, kenapa tak soal siasat dulu?


I've never been ashamed to admit that I am a Muslim. I am.
"But why are you like this?"
Well...I am a Muslim, but I am not religious. It is compulsory to wear hijab and I have no excuse to not wear one. I have sinned. Degil...Dah tahu nak masuk neraka pun, masih tak takut.

I remember a friend of mine who didn't admit she was a Muslim to a drunk man because she was afraid of him.
I was surprised.
My wild imagination led me to this:
Kalaulah betul lelaki mabuk tu nak bunuh aku malam itu sebab aku cakap aku Muslim, mesti aku bersyukur dapat masuk syurga. (Perasan berjihad)
To my friend: Mati berdosa murtad la engkau masuk neraka tak mengaku Islam, I thought.

But who am I to judge her? Entah-entah, saya yang masuk neraka sebab dah tahu ada bencana, lagi mahu nak provoke. Saja nak bunuh diri ke?

Berdosakah saya kadang-kadang saya malas hendak menerangkan keadaan sebenar tentang agama saya. Saya lari dari anjing/ babi, kemudian saya hanya menjawab mudah, "I'm allegic to dogs and pigs".
Malas nak terang panjang-panjang. Dan juga memang tak tahu kenapa.
Maklum sajalah...Manusia zaman sekarang ni mempunyai sifat inkuiri yang tinggi. Tak cukup kalau jawab, "My religion forbids me from touching dogs and pigs".
"We could touch them, but najis mughollazah bla bla, samak, bla bla bla, tak boleh makan babi juga bla bla bla, sebab tak tahu! Saya tak tahu! Saya tak tahu kenapa saya tak boleh pegang anjing! Tak tahu! Paham tak! Tak tahu!"
"I could not accept your answer. Dogs are the gentlest, cutest and the most adorable creatures on earth, they are not dirty at all..."
Oh, my God, I have sinned again because I didn't provide them THE answer, which I don't know, thanks to my ultimate ignorance to my own religion.
Tuh la...Nama saja Islam, tapi tanak belajar agama sendiri...

Tapi, kenapa saya rasa, orang yang ignorant terhadap agama Islam, tapi tidak mengganggu ketenteraman orang lain, lebih baik daripada orang terlalu fanatik dengan Islam, tapi menimbulkan banyak prasangka buruk terhadap Islam.

Last-last, saya juga yang susah kena jawab, "I don't know, I don't know! Paham tak! I tak tahu! They are crazy people who killed themselves and they wanted to kill other people too, but I don't know why they wanted to do that in the name of Islam because there is no such thing in my religion, really! Really, there is no such thing in Islam."

Dugaan, dugaan...

Tuesday, December 4, 2007



Mother: Are you still with that guy from that state?
Me: Yes.
Mother: What is his actual occupation?
Me: He is ***
Mother: Apa kelulusan yang dia ada?
Me: Degree in Business Admin.
Mother: (I'm not impressed intonation) Why don't you concentrate on your work first before thinking about anything else?
Me: (Silence)
Mother: I'm not saying that you aren't working hard enough, this is just an advice.
Me: Iya lah...

Nur is my niece.

Me: Next year, Nur masih sekolah agama?
Nur: Yes.
Me: Pagi ke petang?
Nur: Apa?
Me: Sekolah kebangsaan, pagi ke petang?
Nur: Mana ada sekolah kebangsaan petang!
Me: OK...So, sekolah agama dekat mana? Dekat masjid atau sekolah agama biasa?
Nur: Sekolah agama biasa! Ada air-cond!

Haha, children...Air-cond is the determining factor where would they be schooling at.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Don't know why.

Have you ever felt suddenly you are sad for no reason?
Like everything is going wrong.
Am I having a mental problem because I suddenly could cry and I don't know why?
And when I start to cry, I would think about the past and all the things I should be sad for.
It's painful.
Right now, I feel so de-motivated.
I need a gateaway.
I need to run away from everything and be alone.
I need to do what I like on my own.
Or lie in bed for hours but that's pathetic. That's not helping.
I need a holiday with a stranger.
Or with someone who totally understands me and just be with me.
I wish I could cry and cry in front of a person and just tell that person everything that I think is going wrong, without actually telling.
That person could read my mind.
I am not very expressive in words.
Because I know, after I cry, I would tell myself that it's fine now, and I would refuse to tell anybody what's wrong.
Because after that, I would say to myself, "How silly of me to cry over that".
I wish somebody could read my mind so I don't have to tell him/ her my ridiculous thoughts myself because I want to save myself from the embarassment.

Right now I am sad and I don't know why.