Mother: Are you still with that guy from that state? Me: Yes. Mother: What is his actual occupation? Me: He is *** Mother: Apa kelulusan yang dia ada? Me: Degree in Business Admin. Mother: (I'm not impressed intonation) Why don't you concentrate on your work first before thinking about anything else? Me: (Silence) Mother: I'm not saying that you aren't working hard enough, this is just an advice. Me: Iya lah...
Nur is my niece.
Me: Next year, Nur masih sekolah agama? Nur: Yes. Me: Pagi ke petang? Nur: Apa? Me: Sekolah kebangsaan, pagi ke petang? Nur: Mana ada sekolah kebangsaan petang! Me: OK...So, sekolah agama dekat mana? Dekat masjid atau sekolah agama biasa? Nur: Sekolah agama biasa! Ada air-cond!
Haha, children...Air-cond is the determining factor where would they be schooling at.
My 8-year-old niece, Nur, is number 8 in her class and her batch.
Me: Nombor lapan! Siapa dapat nombor satu? Nur: Budak India. Nombor satu sampai nombor tujuh semua budak India, tak ada Melayu langsung. Me: Are you trying to tell me you are the smartest Malay in your school? Nur: Ye la...Next budak Melayu dapat nombor berapa entah. Me: Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai? Nur: Sebab tak pandai cakap English. Me: Awak kan sekolah Melayu, bukan sekolah Inggeris, belajar guna Bahasa Melayu. Nur: English lah! Me: Oh, sorry, sorry, Auntie lupa. Sekarang Matematik dan Sains dalam bahasa Inggeris...Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai English? Sekolah Nur kan banyak bangsa lain...Nur tak kawan dengan mereka? Nur: Kawan... Me: Nur guna bahasa Melayu atau bahasa Inggeris? Nur: English lah! Me: You must speak in English with them okay...Nanti lama-lama dah tak fluent. Budak Melayu lain cakap English tak? Nur: Budak Melayu tak pandai cakap English...Nur yang paling pandai... Me: Kenapa? Nur: Auntie...Nur kan dulu tadika English! Budak Melayu dekat sini semuanya tadika Agama! Me: Hahahahaha...Patutlah sampai sekarang Nur tak pandai mengaji lagi! Nur: Nur sekarang dah Iqra' lapan lah! Me: So, Nur tak dapat hadiah lah macam ni. Nur: Tak dapat. Me: Hadiah dari Mama and Papa? Nur: Tak dapat! Boringlah duduk rumah! Cuti tak buat apa-apa. Me: Lets play a game. From now on, we talk in English. Whoever breaks the rule will be punished. Can you do that? Nur: No problem! Me: Do you want to follow me to The Curve? Nur: Yes, yes, yes!
"Abang, I feel like dancing. I wanna go clubbing," I said. "Kenapa tiba-tiba?" "Entah...Mengidam pula tonight," I chuckled. "Can you imagine if I were pregnant and suddenly I wanted to go clubbing? Maklumlah...Dah mengidam..." "Ye la tu! You duduk rumah, baca Quran!" "I tahulah...Nanti besar, anak dalam perut jadi kaki clubbing," I said followed by a pause, before I continued to say, "Eleh...You tak bagi I selalu clubbing, but when you were my age, you lagi banyak clubbing dari I!" "I lain...I entertain orang..." "Jangan nak tipu....You tak pernah entertain orang dekat clubs...You clubbing suka-suka you je!" "Haha! You know me too well..."
When I was in primary school, I only wore baju kurung on Fridays. Since little, I was told, "Disco itu haram. Rumah syaitan".
In Standard 4, I started to wear more baju kurung than pinafores. Peer pressures. More and more friends were wearing baju kurung instead of pinafores. Besides, I was still not lady-like. One teacher scolded me for not sitting properly and let everybody see my panties. Budak lagi katakan...
I remember I had a talk with a friend of mine, "Bila nak pakai tudung?" We agreed to start wearing tudung after we finish school.
In standard 6, I wore the tudung after an ustazah brain-washed us. My friends started to cover their heads. Again, peer pressures. Mother was surprised but didn't object. I still remember, in my class, there were only 5 hijab-less girls. (My classmates were all Muslims). This is the time when most children, or shall I say, adolescents try to develop their own identities. They want to think and decide for themselves. They want to be accepted. I only wore tudung to school. One day, I decided not to wear skirts outside of the house. I remember looking at my red skirt and put it on one side, the side of 'clothes to be worn at home only'. Saya sudah besar...I thought to myself.
At 13, mother wanted to buy pinafores for me but I protested. "You want to wear tudung to school? Your cousin is 17 and she still wears pinafores! Mengada-ngadalah kamu ni," mother said. I was a late bloomer. My period didn't come yet and I remember how happy I was to think, "Saya tak berdosa kalau tak sembahyang. Saya kan belum baligh!"
At 14, I wanted to wear tudung permanently because one my bestfriends just decided to wear it full-time. Mother said, "Suka hati kamulah..." A tiny voice inside me said, "Kata nak mula pakai tudung lepas habis sekolah..." but I knew it was time for me to cover my aurat.
At 16, I was transferred to a new school. It was compulsory for the Muslims to wear tudung. The school had many other strict rules. I became rebellious. This is the time when I started to ditch tudung. Some schoolmates talked about me behind my back, but I just didn't care. I do what what I want. I learned the word 'clubbing' this year from a friend who told me about how her parents met (in a club) and how they dated (clubbing together) before they got married.
After school, I was sponsored by the government to further my studies abroad. I wore tudung because because everybody else did. Most of them didn't wear tudung outside the college though, just like me! So, I didn't feel indifferent. It felt normal to me.
Besides, how was I supposed to go clubbing with a tudung on?
I remember the first time I went clubbing. I was in the line, excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because, "I am entering rumah setan! Oh my God, I am so gonna be burnt in hell! Does this mean my solat won't be accepted for the next 40 days? Really? But I won't drink, I just come here to dance. Besides, somebody else is paying this for me. I am not using my own money, the money that is meant for study purposes, to jalan kemungkaran."
The next few visits, I made sure somebody was willing to pay for me. Or, I would only go when it is free. The truth is, until today, I never pay to go clubbing.
During college, I refused to study in the library because it is a public place where men would look at my aurat and I would accumulate sins by not covering myself. I thought, 'I've had enough sins going to clubs and going out without wearing tudung. Hence, I would hide myself from men of non-muhrim where and when possible. It's not like I can't study in my room...'
I went to study abroad and started to become permanently tudung-less.
Mother and father who used to advice me to take my tudung off because 'You are still young,' now wanted me to wear tudung.
I declined. I started to wear skirts and shorts outside of the house again after so many years.
Mother and father were surprised but didn't actively forbid me. They just said, "Dah besar pun nak pakai skirt? Dulu nak sangat pakai tudung!" "Sekarang tengah cantiklah nak pakai sexy...Nanti dah tua, orang cakap buang tebiat pula," I defended myself.
I promised myself I would wear the tudung when I reached 23. 23 came and went. Solat started to become less than 5 per day.
The guilt I had before going to clubs is no longer there. I compromised myself. A club, bar, disco...Tak apa masuk rumah setan kalau tak buat benda setan, kan?
But I still have the mentality of, "I've had enough sins revealing myself, holding and kissing my boyfriend and etc. Hence, I would try to avoid to do MORE sins when possible." Which is why I don't shape my eyebrows. And why I want to get married!
P/S: Still working on my 5 solat per day.
Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love
If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy) And I`m standin` on the front line And the Lord ask me what I did with my life I will say I spent it with you
If I wake up in world war 3 I see destruction and poverty And I feel like I want to go home It`s okay if you coming` with me
Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
If I lose my fame and fortune And I`m homeless on the street And I`m sleepin` in Grand Central Station It`s okay if you`re sleepin` with me
As the years they pass us by We stay young through each other`s eyes And no matter how old we get It`s okay as long as I got you babe
Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
If I should die this very day Don`t cry, cause on earth we wasn`t meant to stay And no matter what people say I`ll be waiting for you after the judgement day
Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us Cause your love is my love and my love is your love It would take an eternity to break us And the chains of Amistad couldnt hold us
"I told him (one of his bestfriends) that I am going to marry you, I can't wait to marry you," my boyfriend told me just now.
Most of my boyfriend's friends know about me. Most of them know how seriously involved my boyfriend is with me. How could one adult not be? Sometimes, I really don't understand how adults can be so childish, having affairs and flings here and there. Saying 'I love you' without actually mean it. But this time, is one of the times, when my boyfriend spoke with determination, he spoke without doubt, it was one of the serious heart-to-heart conversation a man would have with his bestfriends.
"What did he say about it?" I asked.
"He asked me, 'When?'. I told him that I would tell my parents to see your parents next year. Do you think your parents will be mad if my parents come to see them?"
"I don't know," I am still unsure.
The topic about my relationship with my boyfriend has been avoided for months now. After the big fight a few months back, my parents and I pretended it never happened. Only once after the incidence mother did ask me, "Are you still in contact with him?" Him. She didn't even say his name out loud. I told mother the truth, "Yes". And that was that. No further response.
I really don't know how my parents are going to react if suddenly I announce, "His family is coming to our house next week." I could imagine how it is going to be like. Mother and father would say, "No." "Beranilah nak datang. Kami tak akan terima, we wouldn't open the gate," they would say, followed by long lectures of why I should choose someone else. I would plead, "Please don't embarass me", I would defend him, voices will be raised, tears will be shed, and I would lose the battle. Parents always win, don't you know? A daughter is helpless. Especially a daughter like me who doesn't have siblings to back me up. They wouldn't dare to interfere.
I'll end up looking like a gila meroyan girl, terkena sumpahan orang.
"Look at what he makes you turn into? We never teach you to become like this! He is a bad, bad influence, is this the kind of guy you want to marry? He makes you rude to us! Are you being ungrateful after all we have done for you?" my parents will accuse my boyfriend, they did that before. I know their game strategy. I will feel guilty. I will be left with no choice. To stop further accusations, I will have to calm myself, I will have to stop my tantrums. It is not his fault, stop blaming my boyfriend, he is a good person. That's how my parents win the battle.
My boyfriend's intention to wed me has became a known fact to his parents. But he is yet to persuade his parents to see my parents. "I still need to save money for the wedding," is his excuse to his parents. "We could help you out," his parents would offer. The truth is, money is not an issue. But how could a son tell his parents, "Her parents don't like me. They say I am not good enough for her." We are adults. We don't want our families to hate each other. I don't want my boyfriend to tell anybody how choosy my parents are. My boyfriend doesn't want anybody to know how much his girlfriend's parents hate him.
Siapa yang mahu membuka pekung di dada? Kami tidak mahu menconteng arang ke wajah sesiapa.
My boyfriend and I are stuck in between.
When I first introduced my boyfriend to my parents, I thought everything would go well. The possibility of my parents hating him never crossed my mind, not even once. He is perfect to me. He is a gentleman to my friends. He is the responsible son in his family. He is such a dear to his friends. He works in an environment where he deals with people of all ages. He woes most people. How could my parents not like him?
It was a shock to both of us. I wasn't prepared for this.
Our hopes collapsed. It was supposed to be running smoothly, it was supposed to be simple and straight to the point: introduction, acceptance, merisik, meminang, bertunang, marriage...
I wasn't prepared for this.
What went wrong?
I'm trying to stay optimistic. If God wants to put obstacles in my current love life, fine, but I hope I will be having easy success in other areas. I hope I will overcome the obstacles and be happy later in life.
I believe I can have everything I want, just not at the same time.
Well, my Lord, Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...Show me the correct path.
I told my boyfriend about it, "He was 38 years old, sayang, and he passed away on his birthday."
I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I am afraid if the same thing happens to us. The possibility is there. The words just couldn't come out from my mouth. It's not that I am embarassed to tell him how much I love him, it is just, my feelings cannot be described by words...They are more than that. I hope he could feel how I feel towards him.
Everytime I think about death, I think about my boyfriend's death, not mine. Isn't it ironic? As if I am immortal. Because whenever I think about what will happen if I die, how I die, I'd re-set my mind: I can't die, I have so many things to do! and I stop thinking about my own death.
This is my secret:
One of the reasons I want to marry my boyfriend soon is because I am afraid if he dies before I could marry him. I am afraid if I cannot find him in heaven. I am afraid if he is matched with an angel who is not me. That's how much I love him, how much I want to be with him.
Not that I am confident to be put in heaven because I have committed so many sins in my life, but I am hoping God will forgive me and one day place me in heaven. I hope God places us in heaven, together.
"Do you love me?" "Yes, I do love you." "How much do you love me?" "I love you forever and ever and ever." "Do you want to marry me?" "Yes, I do want to marry you." "Do you want to live with me?" "Yes, I do want to live with you." "I don't think I could live if you leave me..." "I won't leave you. We will die together." "Will you live with me forever?" "I love you and I will live with you...Sampai ke syurga."
I also think what if my boyfriend dies after we are married but nobody knows we are married.
I wouldn't want to marry another man. And I know my parents will persuade to end my 'single' life. How would I explain to them, "Hey, mother, father, I am actually a widow...And the reason I don't want to be married is because I am waiting to meet my husband in heaven." But am I strong enough to overcome the temptations of being in love, be loved and have children?
My wild imaginations have made things complicated.
Why do I keep thinking about death of my boyfriend? Because he isn't exactly young, you see. We are not young. But he is older than I am, and men generally do die sooner than women.
"Don't worry. I don't smoke and I play sports," my boyfriend tried to calm my worries. "But look at your food, high cholesterol! You could get a heart attack! Mati mengejut! Or you could die in an accident! That's the worst thing ever, you could die before I am ready to let you go!" I was semi-hysteric. "I told you, we are going to die together..."
Although 'dying together' sounds ridiculous, but hearing the words from him is soothing.
I think I am living in a fairy-tale.
"Jom lah kahwin cepat," I said. Because I don't want to lose you, I wish to add.
"So, how are things going on with you and your boyfriend?" a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in weeks, asked.
As usual, I smiled happily, "We are doing great! I already met his parents, and he met mine."
"Really?"
I nodded and lied, "Both visits went fine..."
I lied because he is not a bestfriend. Besides, my boyfriend wants me to keep things between us only. I too, think, this is a personal matter.
"So, the families are fine with you guys?" he asked.
"Yes. His parents like me. They are very nice..."
I hoped he would be satisfied with the answer and wouldn't go any specific, but he did. "What about your parents?"
"They are okay..." I am not sure whether I was in denial or was that the answer I would like things to be?.
"Because you know...I read your father's blog..." my friend kept his eyes on the road, he was driving.
Luckily, there were only the two of us in the car. I would die if he decided to discuss this in front of anybody else!
"Oh, yeah? Hmm...Yeah, that's how he feel about us, then..." My face was hot. I know father wrote about his disapproval in his blog, but I didn't know my friends are reading it!
They must have thought I am such an anak derhaka!
Could you understand how I feel? Father dooesn't talk to me but he writes in his blog for the whole world to know how I have disappointed him, how I hurt mother etc. Why can't he write anonymously like I do? Why must he publish the letters he sent to me in his blog?
Bullocks.
"I like reading his blog. I find it very interesting. I like the issues discussed in his blog," my friend probably wanted the conversation to be less awkward.
We were stopped at the traffic lights and I was still searching for the right words. The long silence was broken by my friend, continuing asking, "So how?"
"Howwwww???" I repeated the question, more to myself. "What do you want me to do? Stay saja lah in the relationship. Takkan you nak I break up? Like Girl and Boy?"
"Why did they break up actually?"
"Girl's parents don't like Boy. Boy thinks, what's the point of being in the relationship when they both know what's going to happen in the end. Girl's parents will not accept him. He doesn't like to be rejected by her parents, because he is an orphan himself, since he was a child. He wants to feel a parent's love. He couldn't achieve it if he was with Girl."
"That's a pity," my friend said. I somehow was glad the conversation steered away from my life. To keep things less serious, I asked if he was able to introduce me to his friends. I was joking. I don't know whether he knew I was joking. I didn't care. At least he would think I am doing something to please my parents.
We were talking about something, when I laughed.
"How could you be laughing?"
"Habis tu...Takkan I nak nangis? Laughter. It's a tool to hide my real emotions," I answered honestly.
"It's a bad tool," he said.
Betul. Tapi, takkan nak suruh I nangis? I am not very expressive. That defines me.
I'm pretty sure he has told my other friends to read father's blog.
Because now, there is already another friend confessing that she reads father's blog. She even advised me to dump my boyfriend because she said parents are always right.
I wish to tell them, "You don't know my side of story yet. How could I tell you how mean my parents have been to my boyfriend? They are my parents."
When I read about other people's families, I envy them.
My family is rather a weird family. We don't talk much to each other. I only talk to my mother...And my sister...And we are not that intimate.
Looking at the surface, we would have potrayed a perfect family. Everything else is going great. Father never has scandals, siblings and I always do well in school, we are proper and well-behaved, we are financially stable too.
We just don't communicate.
I don't know why. There are may be several factors contibuting to this:
- The big age gap between the the older two siblings with the younger two siblings.
- Brother was sent to a boarding school since he was 13 and studied abroad as well. He has always been so distant.
- Brother and I had a fight when I was 13 or 14. Prior to that, we were close and I liked him because he was brotherly. But I was rude to my mother, ran to my room, he chased after me a few moments later to teach me a lesson. He said awful and mean things to me and I stopped talking to him after that.
- Sister has always been so shy and so quiet. Her voice is so soft, almost mute. She only talks when she needs to or cries. She doesn't have many friends but she is pretty. Even though she is quiet and shy, there are always guys approaching her. I think, that balances things for her. Imagine if she was flirty! Err...Too many broken hearts...
- Father is a fierce person. When I was small, I heard stories about how he treated the older two siblings when they misbehaved or did not do well in school. Mother said my younger sibling and I are lucky because by the time we were born, father was no longer as temperemental as before. No, we were never abused physically nor mentally. Father just would be furious and scolded us if the grades were not As. The worst would be the rotan. But, if we did well, we would be treated a nice holiday together!
I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when I was young. I don't know what make us stop talking. Probably I was a rebellious teenager but never recover from it. But what about my other family members?
Mother is like the medium in the family. The way we communicate to each other is through her. I couldn't imagine our lives would be like without her. Too awkward.
Although most of the time we are under the same roof, we could go days without talking. The house would be too quiet. Sometimes, it would be a little bit livelier with the presence of my brother's only child. But she is becoming a teenager soon and there seems like an infertility problem running in the family.
To conclude, the only persons who talk to everybody are mother and my brother's child.
I thought, after we welcomed in-laws into our families, things would improve. I was wrong.
Sometimes, I wonder how things would be like in 10, 20 years time. What will we talk about? By then, everybody certainly would have led our own lives. We can't be in silence like this if we want to keep the the family ties strong!
That's why, it is my dream to marry a person who is friendly and talkative and well-liked by my family. He must come from a joyous family too, because I want to be a part of that. It is tough since my parents are having a difficult to accept my boyfriend.
In my family, we don't talk about personal stuff. Everything is very basic. The most talked about topics are our careers and educations. When I was young, the only things father would ask me were, "Bila exam?" "Results macam mana?" "Pergi study" End of conversation.
Father tries to bind us together though. We sometimes have family dinners but we usually end up 'buat hal masing-masing' and eat quietly. It's pathetic. We do most things together, actually. We just don't talk! For example, if one of us is going overseas, everybody would be at the airport to bid our farewells. Since father is punctual, we leave the house early and wait at the airport for hours before boarding. Within that time, we don't talk. We don't talk in the car. We don't talk during hari raya, we don't talk. Father and mother talk to each other all the time, but we, the offsprings, seldom get involved in their conversations. We listen. We talk when we are asked, when are expected to talk.
If I were to call home, I always ask for mother, even if father answered the phone. I just don't know how to talk to father.
That's why, when father is against my relationship, I am upset because I feel like he doesn't know me, he never talks to me about anything else, how come out of a sudden he has something to say about my boyfriend!
One time, I was so mad, I sent an SMS to mother expressing my unsatisfaction after a domestic quarrel with them, I said, "Father never talks to me before. And just now he had something to say to me, he yelled at me."
According to them, I am the most difficult child to dealt with because I couldn't tolerate is when somebody is rough with me. I would either break down or fight back, thus it is hard for them to get the message across. I guess, father has gotten too used with his military style approach. So, as I am now older, our mode of communications are via the SMSes, written letters and e-mails. And we live under the same roof.
Although I am quiet at home, I am very talkative among my friends. This annoys my parents sometimes. I couldn't help it.
Aidilfitri.
We shake and kiss hands. Then eat separately and watch TV separately. Apparently, we have enough TVs, telephones, computers, you name it, to cater for our separate needs.
Not that I don't love them, and I am sure they love us too (my parents only recently started to tell me they love me in SMSes, letters or e-mails, technologies do miracles!) but we are not trained to be affectionate.
I vow to change this in my future family.
I am ashamed to admit about my family situation to my friends, but I think they could feel the vibe.
Up until now, I only know one other person whose family is similar to mine.
Saya tahu, tak patut saya mengeluh. Tak patut saya bertanya, "Kenapa saya? Kenapa susah?"
Tapi saya terpaksa luahkan juga! Dah tak ada tempat lain lagi...
Nak buat benda baik pun susah ke?
Orang lain susah jugak? Susah macam mana? Saya tak tahu pun. Betul? Tak tipu? Kalau macam tu, ceritakan pada saya. Saya perlu tahu. Bagi saya harapan. Saya perlu tahu kesusahan begini adalah biasa, normal. Semua orang pun melaluinya.
It's not that simple.
I don't have anyone to talk to.
Except my boyfriend. But that's different.
I need another point of view.
An advice. Hope.
Kadang-kadang, saya rasa tidak adil. Everything else is going very fine with us. We hardly argue about anything, he is very understanding and very mature. He is financially stable and he comes from a good family. The most important thing is, he could guide me in life.
Kan dah cukup semua tu: Berharta, berketurunan baik, cantik, beragama, sihat tubuh badan, bertanggungjawab, berakhlak mulia, sekufu.
Orang lain yang banyak perangai, senang-senang pula dapat kahwin. Contohnya, yang kaki ganja, kaki penipu, yang nak kahwin lagi satu...Tapi kenapa kami ni pula yang banyak cabaran?
Tapi, kenapa mother and father masih tak bagi?
Faktor yang mother and father bagi tu irrelevant! And I think you said it just because you have to, because there is no other reason you could give to forbid me from marrying him, kan? Ada fakta yang salah, tapi kenapa mother and father tak mahu percaya benda yang betul? Kenapa tak mahu dengar penerangan kami? Kenapa tak mahu terima kebenaran?
Dari mana sebenarnya mother and father dengar cerita-cerita tipu pasal dia? Tak betul...Nak kami buktikan macam mana lagi?
I didn't ask to fall in love with him. But it happened. If I didn't meet him, I could stay single effortlessly, I wouldn't want to rush for a wedding. But I've met him. It's fated, I've met him. My love for him is growing. Don't you know how it feels like when you just know that he is the right one for you? How you want so much for him to become a family, a partner, a husband, and a father to your children?
Father and mother ingat senang nak cari lelaki yang jaga solat? Puasa penuh? Tahu hukum-hakam? Merokok pun tidak! Saya ni pun bukannya elok sangat. For me to have somebody like him who is willing to marry me, genuinely, is like, bulan jatuh ke riba.
He may not have a professional career, but he is good in what he is doing and he has a degree. Dia bukan budak bodoh.
Degree macam mana lagi yang mother and father would allow?
Sampai hati mother and father fitnah dia macam-macam. Although, things are not said directly to him, but the things I hear hurt me.
Everytime I try to tell good things about him, about his success, being abroad expanding his horizons, anything, mother and father always have negative remarks after that.
Paling sakit hati bila mother and father cakap dia ke luar negara mengedar dadah. Atau ke luar negara untuk berdakwah, maka jika saya kahwini dia, saya akan ditinggalkan berbulan-bulan. Atau sebab dia lari dari hutang. Atau dia cuma ada sijil SPM saja. Atau dia sudah pun beristeri lain.
Ape ni...Merepek betul!
Mother and father betul-betul mahu dia tunjuk sijil ijazah ke? Kalau sudah beristeri lain, masakan dia bawa saya jumpa ibu bapanya, jumpa saudara maranya, jumpa rakan-rakannya. Dan, orang yang sudah beristeri selalunya pandai mencairkan orang tua...Putar belit kata-kata...
And stop ridicule him everytime you meet him! He is a noble person and he treats me really good. Why can't you see that?
"Kenapa mesti takut Allah? Kita sepatutnya sayang Allah. Dan takut jika kita tidak lagi disayangi Allah, takut dengan balasan Allah."
Something I sometimes ponder upon when I was about to sleep, while thinking about my life.
"Nasi Lemak Buah Bidara Daun Selasih Hamba Lurutkan Buang Emak, Buang Saudara Kerana Kasih, Hamba Turutkan."
I never intend to choose between my family and my boyfriend. Call me greedy, but I want them both. I insist to believe, I deserve both of them!
During my younger days, I told myself to never compromise my love towards my parents.
"So, you would leave the man you love, and marry the person you parents choose? How could you live with someone you don't love for the rest of your life?" my friend asked.
At that time, I thought, it would be easy. I would teach myself to love him. If I can't, I would live without love, I thought I could.
"You always put other people ahead of you," my friend told me. What was so bad about sacrificing my happiness for others? They are my parents, two people who make sure I live comfortably all this while. I thought, the decision of choosing between family and boyfriend, should never be an issue. I thought I didn't even have to think about it, I knew the priority would be given to my family.
Obviously, I was not yet this much in love.
Now, I understand how difficult it is to lose somebody you love. Now, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody else other than my boyfriend. Me and another guy living together? No way, I could never be the loving and caring wife. I would probably constantly finding his faults, comparing him to my current boyfriend. I'd rather live alone. At least until I get over my boyfriend, which I don't know whether it is possible or not.
The decision whether to marry my boyfriend without my parents' consent or not, is the biggest, most difficult decision ever I have to make. I have to be aware of the impacts and be prepared to face the consequences.
Follow my heart? I don't want to blindly follow my heart, I have to use my head as well. Marriage is a big thing, I am weighing the pros and cons so I wouldn't make a stupid decision.
However, everytime I am thinking about it, I'd be riding an emotional roller-coster which is sickening and tiring, and it seems like it is never-ending.
Right now, the only thing I could be sure of is to let my boyfriend find out about the marriage procedures. In the meantime, I hope Allah will show me the correct path.
According to plan, we should be married in several months. I did solat istikharah a couple of times already, but I haven't dreamt anything solid yet.
Why is it so hard for us to get married? My boyfriend said, other people might get married easily, but they might face problems later on. We should be grateful, because if we could overcome this test, insyaAllah, everthing else would be much smoother in the future. I want to believe him. I think he is right.
So, in a few months, we'll get married and it'll be our secret for two years. We are sure by that time, my parents would have been too tired to separate us and they'd give in and allow us to be together. Then, we'd get married all over again and pretend like we are virgins. We just have to be patient.
Patience.
"Sayang, parents are correct in most things, but not everything," he said.
We decide to get married because it is better to make it halal than going on like this. We want the Almighty's berkat. I think 'bercinta' unofficially is a burden. I feel guilty all over, like I've sinned.
"Are you sure this is the best thing to do?" I asked.
"Why is getting married so bad? Kan Allah suka orang yang berkahwin, kita bukan nak buat benda jahat. Lebih baik kita bercinta, dapat berkat dan pahala, daripada bercinta macam ni, kumpul dosa. We've been together for one year, berapa lama lagi kena bercinta macam ni...You've known me enough, you've met my parents, my families, my friends, everything is settled on my side. I want to love you, to take care of you, to be with you when you need me, but I can't if I am not married to you. Nak kumpul dosa sampai bila?" my boyfriend tried to convince me.
True, but the only thing that makes me a bit reluctant is the fear if my parents ever find out about our secret.
The doctor (Rossi) didn't win the game. Casey Stoner, the champion, is 21 years young, rich and married. How come people are getting married so young these days?
I asked my boyfriend, "Are you hurt?" He denied it, but I know, deep inside, he is hurt. Father said him being with me is not 'sekufu'. All I could say was, "Sorry, sayang..."
Then, he promised, he will do whatever it takes to wed me.
I admire his maturity, passion, patience and determination.
The ex still hasn't replied my e-mail yet, I guess he is not going to, it has been more than a week of silence.
WHAT?!!!!
I haven't even told him about how happy I am with my new man! The last e-mail I sent to him was very brief, about how I want to be married but have to postpone the plan due to some unavoidable circumstances.
I want him to know the details, like what he did to me when he was getting married!
Well, the wife probably found out about the e-mail exchange and make him swear not to reply my e-mail...But, it feels good anyway!
Oohh...And happy fasting to all Jewish out there.
Jewish friend: We are tougher than you... Me: What do you mean? Jewish friend: Because, we fast for 25hours straight! Me: Yeah, but we fast for one month. Jewish friend: But that's nothing, I always skip my breakfast and lunch... Me: You'll be sleeping when you fast. We couldn't sleep more than half-day, or our fast wouldn't be counted. Jewish friend: But you get up in the morning to eat before you fast. Me: That's for preparation. Even a glass of water would do, and it's not even compulsary. You too could eat before you fast!
I dreamt just now. In my dream, mother was asking whether I am still seeing my boyfriend. Mother was calmer than usual (calmer than she would be in reality when talking about my relationship with my boyfriend) so I tried to explain things to her. I cannot remember whether I cried in the dream.
As the conversation went, I got angry and sad. I acted like a spoilt child, saying things like: "Mak kejam! Kejam!" "I wish you were not my mother!"
I woke up. Why did I utter such horrible things to mother in my dream? Do I really hate her, subconciously?
Because things were so tensed at home, mother and father decided to write two letters to me.
It is probably the best thing to do, since we would end up shouting if we communicate verbally anyway. This is why I avoid talking to them about the matter. I guess they were trying to reach me because they felt bad and guilty seeing me so hurt.
I didn't read the letters. Until one week later.
I can't remember exactly the content of each letter, but what I know is, I couldn't read them one more time. The facts are wrong. I cried to sleep after reading father's accusations.
Father means well, but he doesn't want me to get involved with someone who, in his eyes, is not my match. So wrong.
Mother, on the other hand, in the letter said, she doesn't mind if I continue being 'friends' with him as long as I don't take things seriously.
However, I am a bit glad when she said, "Mak sedar yang mak selalu marahi kamu tapi itu bukannya mak tak sayang kamu. Maafkan mak ya..." Mother realizes the mean things she had said to me and she apologoizes!
I am sorry. I love you sooo much. So, so much. But sometimes, in this life, we cannot get the things/ persons we love. I hope you know, how devastated I am, how broken my heart is. I cannot marry you. Mother said she will never forgive me if I marry you.
With lots of love, ectopy *sobbing uncontrollably*
Do I really want a secret marriage, or do I need to wait until I get my parents' approvals?
I want to be married, I'll carry less burden religiously. But, I have to put myself in parents' shoes and think how would they feel if they ever find out about this.
I do not want to be a bad daughter, I know they have raised me well, is this what I want to do to return the favours?
Am I being selfish?
But my parents are selfish too. They don't have a concrete reason to not like my boyfriend. Everything about him is wrong in their eyes; the look, the car, the job, the list is endless!
Everytime I demand an explaination, we end up in a big fight, and I cannot find the root of the problem. Until, one day, I accidentally found out the main problem is where he comes from. That's discrimation. It is just a place, like the rest of the world, the place he is from DOES NOT affect the way he is going to treat me. He is a good a person, and I don't understand why my parents cannot see that.
If I go with the plan, I will be married to my boyfriend, and in the meantime, he will try his best to win my parents' hearts.
I hope one day my parents will accept him and we could be OFFICIALLY married.
My parents are so hypocrite. In front of him, they act okay and treat him well. But behind him, they would make faces and tell me how they despise my boyfriend.
Poor my boyfriend, everytime after he meets my parents, he would be all happy and positive, "They are okay with me! We had a nice conversation just now," he'd say, putting his hope high.
Sometimes, my parents ridicule him and being sarcastic to my boyfriend.
My parents have said really, really mean things about my boyfriend.
I am so hurt and I am in between. My instinct tells me my parents are wrong about him, but they are my parents.
It is just so wrong for my parents to hate him so much, but his parents love me so much.
"Apabila seorang anak lahir,dia membawa sekali hati ayah dan ibunya...walau kemana dan sampai bila-bila pun,hati ayah dan ibunya berada bersamanya--dan kalau dia mati,hati ayah dan ibunya akan mati bersamanya"
I have been in out and the country, in and out of the state, busy.
A vacation with friends, a visit to my boyfriend's hometwon, and most importantly, my first meeting with his parents, which by the way, went well.
I was even given gifts! I like gifts, I like free things, so I was happy, and still am happy.
The best thing is, I stayed in a five-star hotel, with a room with two king-sized beds, and for me and only me alone! Macam anak raja! And again, I like free stuffs, so I took the opportunity to take all free soaps, shampoos, pens, paper, everything available for free!
Kiasu betul. But that's me!
Right now, at this very moment, I am chatting with my ex-fling who is still hoping to have me.
He complimented me on how great I look and he told stories about his family who adores me, about his grandmother who always ask about my well-being.
I am touched.
I told him, "They like me because of what I am doing, right? They wouldn't like me if I was just a waitress".
He denied. He said the real reason is because of my attitude: humble and respectful.
And all I did when meeting with his family was laughing.
Strange. Because my boyfriend always say that he likes me so much because I am so humble.
I don't think I am humble, cuma biasa-biasa saja, not even likeable, because I do have enemies of my own. I have cold wars with people, I sense they are many people who don't like me, I just know.
Anyway, I am glad I have been lucky. I charm parents. But for men to impress my parents, that's hard. Really.
It didn't bother me much because I never had the strong urge to settle down. It used to be, even I was happy that they disagreed, because they helped me add another reason to 'why I cannot marry you' speech.
It is different now. Now I've met the one, I have become braver to oppose my parents. I shouted like when I was a kid. I defended my boyfriend, I fight for him.
I hope my parents will understand on how important my boyfriend is to me, and how much I want to make it official.
To mother and father, please don't make me choose between you and my boyfriend.
The four of us used to be close, but I guess, we drifted apart. We are busy with our works, we don't see each other often anymore.
Besides, two of them are not in talking terms, so that's sad. It is another reason why we are no longer close.
My answer to my mother was:
Doctor 1 is only a friend. He is too sensitive, emo sometimes, not my type.
Doctor 2 is younger than I am, he is like a brother to me, I know him too long to get romantic suddenly. Euw!
Doctor 3 has a girlfriend. And he drinks. And he does drugs. No way!
My parents, although wise in some things, still naive in others: Eh, doktor pon hisap dadah ke?
"Mak ingat doktor-doktor ni baik sangat? Ala...Diorang stress kot..."
"Habis tuh, kerja macam mana?" my mother asked.
"Mana la orang tau...Pandai lah die..."
My questions:
1- Why do parents like doctors? I do not like doctors except for that astronout doctor. I like architects! And pilots! And my boyfriend...Haha!
2- Why does mother not forbid me from meeting Doctor 3 even after I told her that he is on drugs, but she accused my boyfriend for dealing drugs instead? Just simply he is a doctor and my boyfriend is not? Prejudice!
3- When are my parents going to accept the fact that I am going steady with my boyfriend, my relationship with him is serious, and I am not going to date anybody else because I am happy with what I have? So, please stop suggesting because I have found him.
Now, father accused me of loving my boyfriend just because he likes to shower with expensive gifts. First of all, he rarely gives me anything. Second of all, doesn't that show he has a stable job?
Father even suspected him to be a drug dealer because at that age, he doesn't believe my boyfriend could own a company.
Went out with boyfriend and friends. Received a call from mother. Scolded. Went home. Shouted by father, "Duduk rumah ini, kena ikut peraturan rumah ini!" He shouted a few other words at me too, but I couldn't hear/ remember what he said as I walked into my room. Locked myself in my room. Mother unlocked my room. Locked myself in the toilet for three hours. Received and sent SMS to mother and father.
Father said sorry for losing his temper. Mother asked me to come out.
I said, "There is nothing to say".
I said, "I haven't done anything wrong. I am not guilty. What do you want from me? I always fulfill your wishes. I am a good daughter. You want me to study, I always excel in my studies. I am not spending your money, I only ask when I most need it. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't even smoke."
I said, "Saya hidup tak menyusahkan mak bapak. Why are you not thankful to have me? I am 20++ years old, I have been taking care of myself for three years living abroad, I travel outside the country by myself all the time, some of the people my age have their own children, why do you still treat me like a child?"
Mother said, "It is not that we don't allow you to go out, it is the people you are with."
I said, "I told you with whom I hang out with, you know them, you know them since I was small!"
Mother said, "It is not them, it is your boyfriend."
Hmm...
When I was little, whenever I had fights with my parents, I wished I was a cat. A cat is not controlled by their parents. I even thought of where would I sleep and where would I find food.
I wished how nice it would be if life was much simpler.
I never told my life behind my house door to anybody. You are the first one to know. (Other than my boyfriend).
