Dying.

I read http://pausetoreflect.blogspot.com
Takziah.
I wonder if I could be as courageous as her.

I told my boyfriend about it, "He was 38 years old, sayang, and he passed away on his birthday."

I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I am afraid if the same thing happens to us. The possibility is there. The words just couldn't come out from my mouth. It's not that I am embarassed to tell him how much I love him, it is just, my feelings cannot be described by words...They are more than that. I hope he could feel how I feel towards him.

Everytime I think about death, I think about my boyfriend's death, not mine. Isn't it ironic? As if I am immortal. Because whenever I think about what will happen if I die, how I die, I'd re-set my mind: I can't die, I have so many things to do! and I stop thinking about my own death.

This is my secret:

One of the reasons I want to marry my boyfriend soon is because I am afraid if he dies before I could marry him. I am afraid if I cannot find him in heaven. I am afraid if he is matched with an angel who is not me. That's how much I love him, how much I want to be with him.

Not that I am confident to be put in heaven because I have committed so many sins in my life, but I am hoping God will forgive me and one day place me in heaven. I hope God places us in heaven, together.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes, I do love you."
"How much do you love me?"
"I love you forever and ever and ever."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"Yes, I do want to marry you."
"Do you want to live with me?"
"Yes, I do want to live with you."
"I don't think I could live if you leave me..."
"I won't leave you. We will die together."
"Will you live with me forever?"
"I love you and I will live with you...Sampai ke syurga."

I also think what if my boyfriend dies after we are married but nobody knows we are married.

I wouldn't want to marry another man.
And I know my parents will persuade to end my 'single' life.
How would I explain to them, "Hey, mother, father, I am actually a widow...And the reason I don't want to be married is because I am waiting to meet my husband in heaven."
But am I strong enough to overcome the temptations of being in love, be loved and have children?

My wild imaginations have made things complicated.

Why do I keep thinking about death of my boyfriend?
Because he isn't exactly young, you see. We are not young. But he is older than I am, and men generally do die sooner than women.

"Don't worry. I don't smoke and I play sports," my boyfriend tried to calm my worries.
"But look at your food, high cholesterol! You could get a heart attack! Mati mengejut! Or you could die in an accident! That's the worst thing ever, you could die before I am ready to let you go!" I was semi-hysteric.
"I told you, we are going to die together..."

Although 'dying together' sounds ridiculous, but hearing the words from him is soothing.

I think I am living in a fairy-tale.

"Jom lah kahwin cepat," I said.
Because I don't want to lose you, I wish to add.

I'm still not addicted to Facebook. I guess I'm not hip and happening enough. Or simply because I have no time and no life!

Chris: She's pregnant again.
J: Really?
Chris: Second child...
J: Same father?
Chris: I don't know.
J: Doesn't she use protection while having sex? Why doesn't she go for an abortion? Oh, wait, it's illegal in your country.
Chris: Yes.
J: Is it illegal in your country too? (Question directed to Mus)
Mus: Yes, it's illegal in my country.
J: Any chance it is going to be legal soon?
Mus: No.
Chris: But, what if, the mother's child is in danger?
Mus: Then, of course, in certain circumstances, it is allowed. But, people still do it anyway...
J: What do you think? Should it be legal or not?
Mus: I don't support abortion.
J: But why? What about those children in China? If there's noone to take care of them, why have them in the first place?
Mus: There are always adoptions and orphanages!
J: But what if they are abused and not properly fed. They have nowehere to go, homeless, they don't get proper education...
Mus: But, there must be some good coming out from them!
J: Yeah, I guess...But...
Mus: Besides, at least they are alive!
J: But, we could have helped them from the abuse.
Mus: Come on...How many are they actually being abused? Who are you to say death is better than living?

Conversation stopped when the superior entered the room to start the meeting.

Chris is a Christian girl.
J is a Jewish guy from Canada.
Mus is a Muslim from Malaysia (me!).

Syahdu.

One shop in my neighbourhood always give free food as sedeqah on the first of Ramadhan.

I went just now. I saw husbands and wives.

Tiba-tiba, saya rasa syahdu. Saya mahukan 'comfort' itu juga. Saya mahu ikatan itu. Saya mahu berbuka puasa, berjalan, dan bermesra dengan seseorang yang sah statusnya sebagai suami saya.

Then, I was home. My ritual is to hop-blog.

Syahdu sekali lagi apabila membaca blog-blog yang gembira baru menimang cahaya mata. Mereka yang gembira menerima khabar menanti ketibaan orang baru tidak lama lagi. Saya mahukan 'comfort' itu juga. Saya mahu membelai anak. Saya punya naluri keibuan yang kuat.

I cried thinking that I am alone. That I probably will never find my 'comfort'. The truth is, I've found him, but I can't be with him.

Not yet.

Dan pada malam ini, saya terkenangkan diri sendiri yang bergelumang dengan dosa. Banyak. BESAR.

Life's a big puzzle

I like this blog because I am anonymous and I am free to have my thoughts written down without fear or shame. Thoughts that I could not mention to people I know for fear they would judge me and how my family and I live.

Like that time when I was six and I saw my parents having sex. I just stood there, watching, until my parents realized I was staring directly and asked me to go back to sleep. I did not know what it was, but they all make sense now.

Like that time when I was nine and I found a book about sex under my parents' mattress and read it but never understood it until years later. Then, I tried to search for the book again, but I it was never found.
Funny, hiding the book under the mattress...As a kid, I like to hide and lie under my parents' bed. That is how I found the book. And some money...Funny...

I have a friend who aborted her foetus.

I could not stop her. I found out after she did it.

If you look at her, you'd never guess she is no longer a virgin. A normal Malay girl complete with tudung to everywhere she goes. She is successful in her studies too.

But that's life.

I bet if you look at me, you'd never guess I had a phone sex before! Hahahaha....Kecoh, phone sex pun nak kecoh ke....And I am not even sure if that is considered a phone sex!

I condemn those who abort, even those who support abortions!

Of course, I allow exceptions to mothers whose lives at risk.

Ibarat meludah ke langit, terkena batang hidung sendiri.

Because I think my mother had an abortion.

I could vividly remember how we went to a clinic (not in Malaysia) and I asked my mother why were we there.

"Nak cuci perut..." my mom answered.

I was young, probably around 5 years old. She left me in the waiting lounge and came back a while later.

This stuck in my mind. Although I can never be sure of what really happened, I know for sure she went for an abortion. Something at the back of mind tells me so. Probably there is something planted deep in my brain, something that proves my hypothesis, but I am not sure what.

And I don't know why this event is one of my earliest memories in my life.

Don't you think it is amazing, how life is like puzzle? As you grow older, the things you remember when you were young finally fit the picture. It is like unfolding a mystery.

And you say, "Aaahhhh....It makes sense now".