Friday, June 29, 2007


My parents are reluctant with me marrying my boyfriend soon. To them, I am still young and I need to widen my candidates so I'd choose the best one.

I don't feel young.

They still love my ex-boyfriend, perhaps. Because there would be no problem at all if I were to marry my ex.

I probably will secretly get married next year. Or sooner. Hmm...

We can't go on like this, hugging and kissing like there are no heaven and hell. I want our relationship to be right and blessed.

Yes, a secret marriage would be our last resort.

I always put my parents first, I do not want to end up like those girls who elope and leave their families behind. (Although, I am not planning to elope, just secretly married).

And my decision to get married to this man isn't made promptly. I am not marrying for the sole purpose of wanting to have sex. I want him. I need him. Why can't I have him?

Why is marriage so wrong for me in my parents' point of views?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Sometimes, I wish hijab is just a fashion, not a responsibility. I have no problem with hijab being an identity, though.

From time to time, I want to wear the hijab. But I know, once I am wearing it, the hijab has to stick on my head. I couldn't take it off whenever I want.

I know many, many people who wears on-off hijab. They don't appear weird to me. But it is different, because they are hijab-ed most of the time, part-time hijab-free.

I want to be the part-time hijab-ed woman! (Have you ever seen a woman who doesn't wear a hijab MOST of the time, and only wears the hijab when she feels like it? No, right?)

It's funny. When you wear the hijab, you are automatically kinda 'protected' from doing anything sinful. Well, not protected, but you'd feel obliged to behave. Obliged? That's what I think. You just have to behave, you think twice before you do anything that could scratch the image.

But, when you feel you want to do something un-Islamic, you take off your hijab because you don't want to embarass the religion or give the wrong impression on Islam.

Once you do this, you are 'supposedly' looked down (people don't really care now) because you are 'memperkotak-katikkan hukum agama' (because you are not serious with your hijab! You think you can play-play?! You think you can take off your hijab when you FEEL like it?!)

But if you wear the hijab while misbehaving, you are disrespecting the religion pulak!

So, like it or not, once you wear the hijab, your personality changes, no matter how 'I am still the same inside' argument you give to your friends! Because if you don't change to become a better person, you are a disgrace.

It's funny because you expect covered women to be noble. But they are like the rest of us, except for the piece of cloth covering their hair! How can a piece of cloth make a whole lot difference? Okay, it makes whole lot difference in term of the number of 'pahala' they get compared to 'exposed' women like I am but not in term of attitude! A hijab is not like a switch on/ off button! You wear it, 'cahaya keimanan terpancar-pancar' and 'wah, sungguh ayu!', but when you take it off, 'sekarang kamu wanita jahat!'.


Talked to a male friend. I was single and wondering why was it hard for me to be involved in a serious relationship.

"Probably because you don't wear tudung".
"Whatttttttt?????? Whyyyyy??" I said.
"Because, it is highly unlikely for you to be a virgin if you don't wear the hijab".

Judgmental and not fair!

"I don't wear a hijab but I am a virgin!" I protested.
"I know. But the chances are low".

Oh, suddenly I feel I want to write about why men who fuck around think virginity is sacred out of sudden when it comes to marriage. Gile, tak sedar diri!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I've kissed sins

My friend said she has never been bothered to watch what she eats everytime she is abroad.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because...Jaga atau tidak, sama saja," she said.

"I don't get what are you trying to say here," I was confused.

"My ex-bf was a Chinese, right? He eats pork, he drinks alcohol...And I kissed him everyday when I was with him...So, in a way, I've tasted them all..."


Yeah, then it struck me. I've never thought of it this way. As much as I try to select my food everytime I am abroad, I actually have tasted them all, because I've kissed non-Muslims and alcohol consumers before!

Banyaknya dosa aku!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

They are ambiguous

Sometimes, I think, Islam is very ambiguous. I am confused. Everytime I have this kind of feeling, I would try to think of something else. I know, there are certain things in Islam that are better left unknown. Nobody could answer all the questions.

Eg 1:
When you get sick:
1) Your small sins are forgiven (which means it is either you have so many sins or you are blessed because you are chosen to suffer first in this world rather than later: burn in hell)
2) Or, it means that this is one of the small tests that God want us to overcome.

Eg 2:
When you die with your eyes open and a horror expression:
1) You were a bad, bad person when you were alive, that's why you die a slow and painful death. They say, your face look terrified because you saw the punishments you will get for your wrongdoings before you actually died (nazak).
2) God loves you. He wants to punish you now so later, in the afterlife, you would get a lighter punishment.

Eg 3:
A prostitute is supposed to go to hell, but the prostitute who gave the dog water with her shoe will be rewarded heaven.

There are many other ambiguities. I couldn't recall them at this time, but when they hit me, my thought goes like this: "Oh, this is another tease He is going to play on us". There is no way we could know, what trials and tribulations, joy and triumph, actually mean to us.

I watched a documentary about Hinduism. They believe in reincarnation. They believe they are born into a lower caste because of the past sins they did in the lives before.

That's why, in India, the people in the lower caste do not fight for their rights. According to them, they accept their fate because they did something wrong before. They would just try to become good human beings and hope after they die, they will be re-born into someone in the upper caste.

While watching this, with the faith I have in Islam, my immediate response was, "That is so wrong! How can you say that is your fate? How can you not fight for your rights? Because you are alive just once! There is no such thing as a reincarnation!"

But I always try to put myself in their shoes. If Hinduism was my religion, I probably would think the same way as they do.

Then, I started to apply this in Islam. What if there is no life after death? What if there is no hell and heaven? What if what I do in this life, doesn't count for anything afterwards!

Oh, I felt so guilty for thinking like this.

But, I read by Kimster. Yes, I do all these with a sincere heart. If there was no heaven and hell, there is no regret. This is what I choose to believe in. I am obliged by Islam, my religion, but at the same time, I have faith for its teachings and I am prepared, noone is forcing, I am practising with my own will.

My logic tells me, the world could not be that cruel! Of course there are heaven and hell! Otherwise, life would be too unfair! What is the meaning of life if it was unjust?

Although I think about Islam, I am still not a good Muslim. It is all in the mind, no action taken by me to actually become better in practising this religion.


Monday, June 18, 2007

A few days ago, I was on the telephone with my boyfriend, talking about his career. It felt like an achievement to me.

You see, I never really knew what exactly he does. All I know is, he is quite good at what he is doing. Well, I know the name of his job, but I do not know what he does from day to day.

Unlike me, I always update him about how stressful/ wonderful my day is, etc etc. He does not do that.

And I don't always ask him about his career. I give him space. I know he does not like to discuss about his work to me, but I am curious.

I know the reason why he does not want to discuss his work with me. He is being cautious. He is being humble. But I really do not see him boasting if he talks about his work with me. But I have to understand, it is just him, he is like that, and I respect that.

But sometimes, it feels nice if he has something to share with me.

Part of it is my fault, really. During the early days of the relationship, I asked him not to discuss the value of his projects to me. I specifically told him, "You could tell things to me, but please, don't mention the values".

I just do not want to be blinded by the amount of money he is making.
I want to love him for him, not for his money.
Besides, if I know his salary, I would feel I am not suitable for him, he could find someone better, I would feel intimidated.

I do not want to encourage him to talk about money. The truth is, I am afraid.
I know how some people change after they become rich.
I do not need wealth, a comfortable life is just fine with me.

Actually, I do not want him to make more than we need. But as you progress with your work, everything you thought to be a huge amount, is now nothing.

But I guess, he took my instruction wrongly. He probably thought I am not interested at all about his work. The truth is, I am, it is one of the things that makes a couple stronger, is it not? I want him to feel that he is free to tell me anything. Communication is key. I want him to feel comfortable to discuss all sorts of things with me.

So, a few days ago, after much persuasion, he finally opened up. It feels good. It made me feel like I am REALLY a part of his life. Now, I know, there are certain buttons I need to push for him to talk about his work, I've found the secret weapon!

Right now, my boyfriend is busy filing a lawsuit because he was duped by his friend.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Cinta Alan

I used to know a Parisian, a Frenchman, an architect named Alan.

I don't know why, but I have a 'thing' for architects. I just love men with that profession. I used to imagine they were good-looking, decent and smart. But that was not the reason I agreed to go out with Alan.

Alan was nice and I thought I was representing the Malay Malaysian community, so, he could get to know us better.

He was successful, he worked in various countries such as Indonesia and Japan before. I was impressed.

So, we went jalan-jalan. He was a gentleman, holding my hands, opened doors, offered seats to me etc the usual things that make us feel special, which most Malaysian men tend to forget.

Alan told me about his family, his job, his previous relationships and the people he had slept with. He told me about how a married Chinese lady who wanted to have sex with him but he refused because he just didn't do colleagues. I liked having conversations with him. He brought me to bars and drank beers. He said, "I only drink on weekends. I don't drink when I am working. It is against my principle".

At one of the restaurants, he studied my hand, trying to be a fortune tellar. He said my hands were soft, and he kissed my cheeks.

He perfectly understood why I don't drink: because I am a Muslim. He introduced me to his friends and his friends told me nice things about Alan, despite their lack of English.

At one of the last bars that we went to, Alan confessed that he liked me. He said I was interesting and pretty. I was flattered, of course. No wonder he was being extra nice to me, putting his arm over my shoulders and around my waist, holding my hands etc. I thought he was just being the typical Parisian. You know what they say about Frenchman, romantic...

But I knew things were moving too fast. I told him it was too soon for me to decide whether I liked him back. I mean, I liked him, but not to that extent.

One night, he invited me to dinner. I agreed. He brought me to his apartment because I was excited when he told me he was a skilled cook. I specifically instructed him not to cook pork or have alcohol as an ingredient. He said he would cook fish.

Entering his apartment was something new to me. It was a different atmosphere. Have you ever entered an artist home before? I found out he was an artist as well. He drew many potraits, even a nude picture of one of his friends I had met earlier.

Little did I know Alan was craving to have sex with me.

He was honest, and asked to have sex with me many times before but I politely declined. I gave him many reasons: I am not ready, I am a virgin, I want to wait for the right man, I believe in sex after marriage, I am having my period and I am Muslim, I don't fuck around. Somehow, whenever he asked to have sex with me, I was not offended and he was not irritating at all.

While drinking his beers, he cooked in the kitchen. Once in a while, he checked on me, making sure I was comfortable, and we french-kissed.

He said, "Why do you kiss me if you don't like me?"

I said, "Well...I did not kiss you, you kissed me!"

Oh, and for your information, I was never sexy in front of Alan. All I wore were a pair of jeans and a simple top.

He explained to me about his paintings, and kissed me, I turned my face away and he served me a glass of orange juice and kissed me, and again, I made faces. I made sure I looked at him when he poured me the drink, just in case if he was trying to drug me or something.

I didn't want to lead him on, I even made it clear to him that we were just two friends having dinner together.

His apartment had a nice view. There we were, appreciating the beauty of the scenery, (konon-kononnya romantik and I think he was hoping I would melt) when he began to kiss and touch me all over. I pushed him slightly, I said, "I told you, I do not want to have sex with you".

"Why?" he asked.
"Because I am a virgin, and I am planning to stay that way!" my voice raised.

"But I like you. You will like me too after we make love".
"Look, no commitment. If you don't like me tomorrow, it is okay. But if you still like me tomorrow, then I will commit to you. Let's just try for one night".
"I said 'No'! I think I should leave!"

I walked to the door. He stopped me.

"Okay...I respect you. Lets just have dinner."
I looked at him and said, "Okay".

I was sitting at the sofa when he said, "Please sleep at my house tonight. I promise, no sex, just talking. I want to get to know you better".

"Alan, I think I wanna go home now".
"I don't want to sleep at your house"
"But it is getting late!"
"It is okay, you don't have to send me home. I will find my way"
"But...Wait!" he pulled my hand. He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
"I am very sure" I was really afraid that time. What if this Alan tried to rape me? I prayed to God to tebalkan imanku dan tidak terjatuh dalam perangkap maksiat Alan. Chewahh....Hehehehe...But, seriously, I was scared.

I was so scared, I was preparing myself to scream if he did anything weird.

"Fine. Just let me turn off the stove and take my house keys".
"Sit down".
"No, I will wait here, at the door".

So, he walked me to a station (LRT station, train station, bus station, commuter station? Hehe. I'll keep you guessing). He bought a ticket for me, and waited with me.

He apologized and he said I had hurt him.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Alan asked.
"I am busy tomorrow," I answered.
"How about the day after?"
"You have to see my friends and I".
"I only want to see you," he said, almost pleading.

I didn't reply straight away.

"I am sorry, but I don't think I could see you again," I finally broke the silence.
"Are you sure?"
"I am pretty sure".
"Is that what you really wish for?"


"Then, erase my number," he said, challenging.
"Okay," I replied, taking out my mobile phone, erasing his number.
"You can't contact me after this," Alan said.
"I know. I don't want you to contact me again," I said.

He looked sad, so I tried to console him, the least painful way, "Look, you are a nice guy and all. But we are different. I am sure you will find someone you really like. But, you and I, this could not work. We are too different".

"But I really like you".


"May I kiss you for one last time?"
Hish, mamat ni....Getting annoying pulak dah!

I nodded.
He kissed me long and gently.

He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
Konon I would feel something after the kiss la tuh....

I nodded.

"You go home. I am fine..." I wanted him to leave.
"I'll wait with you".

And my ride came.
He kissed me on the cheek, and I left him.

That was the day I almost got screwed!
I didn't tell anybody because they would scold me bad....

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Losing weight 2

The first time I was concerned about my weight was...when I was 16.

Family members, friends and even teachers (yes! Teachers!) began to notice how chubby my cheeks had became.

After getting their remarks, everything I owned seemed to appear smaller. Pants were tighter.

I blamed my puberty. I was a late bloomer, that's why I changed rapidly, from a ruler-shaped girl to a pear-shaped lady.

Another problem was, I am the kind who finishes everything on my plate. I do not waste food. Therefore, the only solution to this was NOT TO EAT ANYTHING AT ALL.

So, I did not eat for more than 24 hours. I only drank water. After 24 hours, I felt so weak, I ate an apple to supply energy to my body.

I did not tell anybody because I knew they would stop me.

Yes, I was the 16-year-old who desperately need want to lose weight.

I knew I couldn't lose weight overnight, but I was so sick of people talking about my weight. I probably wanted to punish these people and myself. If I fainted, everybody would worry about me and after finding out the reason of why I fainted, they would stop commenting about my weight and I would be happier.

I was not even that fat. Because I was skinny and I gained weight in a few months, I was relatively fatter than usual.

And they could use other words other than 'gemuk'! How about chubby, 'berisi' or etc etc. Gemuk/ fat is BMI over 25 okay! I was under the underweight category, then gained weight to be in the normal range, and they called me fat!

Anyway, after that 24 hours of straving and not fainting, I was disappointed and I decided not to give a damn about how my body look like. I took small steps like fasting and reducing the amount of food I put on my plates (because I just have to finish everything on my plate, you see, so, less food on my plate means less calories intake).

Now, I am happy of the way I am, and I will not care what people say about my body.

Isn't it funny, they have so much time observing my body, don't they have anything else to do?

When my niece was seven years old, she refused to eat rice. She only eat things she likes. One day, my mother was feeding her, but she kept watching the TV, ignoring my mother.

"Why don't you want to eat? Are you on a diet?" I jokingly asked my niece.

To my surprise, she said, "Yes, I am on a diet".

"Why are you dieting?"

Her exact words were, "Semua orang perempuan kena diet!"

I was bewildered, "No! Only fat people need to go on a diet. And you are not fat! Do you hear me? You are not fat!"

My friend is into sports and she takes good care of herself.

She eats based on what she should eat for the day (the things you would find at the back of the food package- the recommended daily intakes).

The typical things she says are:

- I need to finish this because I have only eaten 800 calories today.
- No, thank you. I have consumed all my calories for the day.

She is weird. I pity her because she gets the 'rolled-eyes' all the time.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Losing weight

I think I am not fat. Of course I am not fat.

In fact, I am happy with the body I have now. My boyfriend was attracted to my body shape first before he decided to approach me. So, that indicates something good eh? I told my guy friend about this and he agreed, I am not fat, I have a nice body. A bit flat on the chest. Okay, I lied, my boobies are actually very small....

But, I live with friends who are concerned about their looks.

I have a friend (Aminah) who is lighter than I am by a few kgs, same height, but she is convinced that I look thinner than she is.

She began to take pills that resulted in late menstruation because she took more than the recommended dosage. She collapsed once after working out because she starved herself. She even throws up after heavy meals.

Until a few months ago, she thought the smallest UK size is size 8. She is a size 8. After she found out that the smallest size is actually size 6, she is determined to squeeze into that dress size.

I am worried about her because her behaviour is affecting me as well. Now, I feel guilty if I am able to finish the food portion I order while she is puking everytime we go out together.

And she is not even a model nor a stewardess!

Another friend of mine (Bedah) is naturally thin. Well, she wasn't, but she seems to lose weight rapidly by itself.

Aminah adores Bedah's skinny legs and is always comparing herself with Bedah.

Aminah spends her time online surfing for websites on how to lose weight.

She makes me feel fat.

Bedah and I repeatedly tell her that she looks fine.

How small do you want to be?!

Her boyfriend even likes the fleshy type of girls. That's why everytime her boyfriend says she is pretty just the way she is, she would brush him off, "You like my body means my body is fat!"

So, the newspaper said 20% of the women population in Malaysia have 3G syndrome. Gebu, gempal, gemuk.

I am always afraid if I become fat one day. But I love food! Why can't I eat anything I like without worrying how bad the food is to my body?!

I am also afraid if I become fat after I give birth.

Risau, risau...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Smart men

I was a little girl with big dreams. By the age 6, I already listed the personalities I would like to have in my ideal boyfriend/ husband. Nope, not charming princes, I was smart enough to know there are not too many princes available in this world and they are not that smart. And only blonde princesses get all the charming princes.

I liked smart guys. I still do, but it is no longer on top of my list. I find it is quite difficult to seduce a smart guy, so, I reduce my standard of intelligence in a guy. They don't have to be genius-smart, I would accept okay-smart.

When we were small, we were protected. We thought the world is perfect. We thought there were only right and wrong, and nothing in between.

That's why I thought my ideal guy had to be genius-smart.

"And because I am a girl, my boyfriend/ husband has to be smarter than I am!" I do not who the hell implemented this kind of mentality into my head.

As I grew up, more and more characteristics were added to my list: smart, handsome, guitar player, soccer player, skater, tah ape ape lagi.

This went on until I was 16. I talked about this to three of my friends.

Friend A and B were determined to find a guy who are smarter than them.
Friend C said she did not care.

After the discussion, I studied my list and made it more realistic.

To friend A and B, I said: Good luck, babes!

Friend A is still single.
Friend B has crushes on game characters, such as, that guy from Final Fantasy, or that guy from Kingdom Heart, or probably the latest one is that guy from Grim Fandango. She is a big gamer girl, I tell you!
Friend C is in love with Korean actors.

Yup, when I was 16, I realized all the smart guys in my school were nerds and not fun to be with.

My priority shifted to guys who were popular and fun to be with.

Soon after, I dated the skaters, the guitarist, the drummers, the school soccer star, the bad boys, the cool scooter guys.

My crowd of friends grew bigger but I was so shallow, I judged them from their schools. I aimed for MCKK boys, Alam Shah boys, St. John's boys, BBBS boys...They had to be either smart or cool.

In college, my boyfriend was the total opposite of me. I liked him, he was nice, I believed he could guide me.

Too nice, in fact. I was crazy during that time, I just got my driving license, new friends in college, I needed to save my social reputation. I needed a boyfriend who would make me look good.

I searched for his faults.

He was not a clubber.
He was not fluent in English.
He was not that smart.

One time, I even questioned his genetics. His sister has severe asthma. His mother is fat, I assumed, suffering from many illnesses such as high blood pressure and diabetis.

For two weeks I thought how he would ruin my children and grandchildren's futures if I marry him. I wanted my children to be healthy!

Yes, I was paranoid.

Because I studied in Malaysia, I was not the ideal girl guys would after. They liked ayu type of girls, softspoken, polite, sane...

This is when I entered the non-Malay phase. I actually would like to marry a non-Malay because I want my children to be beautiful AND smart. Don't you notice how most good-looking and smart people in this world come from mixed parentage? No fair!

I told you I have a split personality.

Even though I go to clubs, I don't drink and I don't do drugs. I am probably one of the most well-behaved girls you would find in a club.

I wanted a guy who goes clubbing but doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs, just like me. And prays five times a day too!

I stopped looking for a man because it was almost impossible.

Until my Laling found me =)

Maturity teaches me you cannot judge how smart a guy is based on his SPM result, what course did he take in university, what he is doing for a living, how fluent he is in English...

So, what defines a smart guy?

Answer: A smart man.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

The PM is getting married. At first, I do not mind at all. But after much thinking, I am a bit disturbed.

Probably he is marrying her for the sake of racial integration?

You know..."Even the PM is marrying a non-Malay" sort of thing, which is good.

But, it got me thinking:

Is she a newly converted Muslim or is she a long-time mualaf?

If she is a newly converted Muslim, converting for the sole purpose of marrying, that is so wrong!

Being the PM, he is a very busy man, I believe, and when is he going to find time guiding this woman to Islam?

He is the leader of the nation, he needs to set a good example.

I want my leader to be almost perfect!

Hmm...I know a man from the Middle East, married to a woman from South-East Asia.
He told me, his wife was a Roman Catholic. Now, she has REVERTED, not converted to Islam. She is very particular with that word: reverted, kembali ke jalan yang benar.

She actually was not planning to revert, but on the wedding day itself, she surprised everybody by telling them she was ready to revert.

I told him: In Malaysia, a Muslim is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim.

He told me this: This is what many people do not know! A Muslim guy can marry a non- Muslim woman, but a Muslim woman cannot marry a non- Muslim man, in fact, it is haram to accept his proposal. You know why? Because the man is the head of the family, and he could guide his wife.

I thought, "Eh, yeke?" but I did not argue with him because my knowledge in Islam is still shallow.

Anyway, his wife, could read, understand and speak Arabic within one year.

I said: I could read Arabic, but I could not understand the language. I read the translation.

He said: You should!

And he went on about how I will be questioned by God in the after-life and complimented on my good hasanah (good intention), although, I did not really say I was planning to learn Arabic.

Allah knows everything, I do not need to speak Arabic for Him to understand me!

Anyway, I love the new, young mufti of Perlis:

MURTAD: Antara emosi dan realiti.

MURTAD adalah ungkapan yang menakutkan. Tidak ada mukmin yang sebenar tidak berasa sensitif atau ketakutan apabila perkataan murtad dikaitkan dengannya. Bahkan mukmin yang sejati apabila mendengar perkataan murtad atau kufur akan menyebut dalam jiwanya, "aku pohon perlindungan dengan Allah dari itu semua." Allah berfirman dalam s urah al-Baqarah: 217: (maksudnya) dan sesiapa di antara kamu yang murtad (berpaling tadah) dari agamanya (agama Islam), lalu dia mati dalam keadaan kafir, maka mereka itu rosaklah amalan (yang baik) mereka di dunia dan di akhirat, dan mereka itulah ahli neraka, kekal mereka di dalamnya (selama-lamanya).

Murtad jika menjadi satu fenomena ia akan mengancam masyarakat muslim. Jika masyarakat itu telah membentuk negara muslim, ia akan mengancam identiti negara tersebut. Maka fenomena murtad sangat berbahaya serta boleh mencetuskan perubahan identiti atau maruah sesebuah negara muslim. Dalam masyarakat hari ini, kita menangkap dan mengambil tindakan kepada penyalahgunaan dadah. Walaupun mudarat langsung itu kelihatan berlaku kepada diri individu, namun jika ia menjadi arus, ia akan mengancam identiti dan keseimbangan sesebuah masyarakat.

Maka tidak hairan apabila murtad menjadi gelombang yang mengancam kestabilan maka Abu Bakar mengambil tindakan memerangi mereka. Hakikat ini tidak wajar dipertikaikan oleh seorang muslim.

Namun dalam suasana sekarang ini, saya ingin mengajak persoalan ini dilihat luar dari sempadan emosi, tetapi atas kerangka tanggungjawab agama dan kepentingan umat. Langkah pencegahan ke arah murtad perlu dilakukan secara bersungguh. Ini sesuatu yang kita sepakati. Di samping sesuatu yang perlu kita tahu bahawa seseorang itu menjadi murtad apabila dia melanggar batasan akidah Islam secara sedar, faham dan tidak dipaksa. Sama ada pelanggaran itu dalam bentuk perkataan, atau perbuatan, atau keyakinan. Apabila pelanggaran itu dilakukan seperti menghina Allah dan Rasul-Nya, atau mengisytiharkan diri telah keluar atau ingin keluar dari Islam maka dia menjadi murtad.

Kemurtadan ini tetap berlaku sama ada disahkan atau tidak disahkan oleh mana- mana pihak. Pernyataan agama dalam kad pengenalan bukanlah penentu sebenar kepada hakikat akidah seseorang. Ia hanya untuk urusan kemasyarakatan atau pentadbiran. Ini bererti sekiranya kita berjaya menahan seribu orang yang mengisytihar diri keluar dari Islam agar tidak dapat menukar agama kad pengenalannya, kita sebenarnya hanya menyimpan seribu orang murtad yang akan bertopeng dalam masyarakat muslim sahaja. Apa jadi, jika kad pengenalan itu dijadikan ukuran oleh beberapa pihak lalu berkahwinlah golongan murtad ini dengan orang-orang Islam yang sebenar?

Mereka juga mungkin menguasai institusi-institusi agama atas kebijaksanaan mereka dalam bidang tertentu, sedangkan mereka murtad. Akhirnya kita menyimpan barah yang amat berbahaya dalam tubuh umat. Maka sekadar pertahankan perubahan agama pada kad pengenalan semata, bukan satu kejayaan. Bahkan mungkin menjadi musibah jika berleluasa pada suatu hari nanti. Kejayaan yang sebenar adalah mengembalikan mereka ke pangkuan Islam secara reda dan menghilangkan kekeliruan mereka mengenai agama ini.
Berikutnya, kita jangan sampai diperdayakan oleh musuh dengan meletakkan angka murtad sehingga ratusan ribu. Walaupun ada, ia tidak sampai kepada angka tersebut. Jangan pula kita mudah menghukum orang lain murtad hanya atas khabar angin. Apakah kita ingin menghidupkan suasana kafir-mengkafir atas andaian semata. Perbuatan itu hanya memporak- perandakan masyarakat Islam.

Meletakkan angka yang sebesar itu hanya melancarkan agenda musuh-musuh Islam. Ia akan menyebabkan dunia menekan negara agar tidak mengabaikan hak jumlah manusia yang ratusan ribu itu. Lantas usaha ke arah murtad mendapat sokongan dunia luar.

Kedua, meletakkan jumlah yang sedemikian besar, hanya akan mematahkan semangat mereka yang ingin menganut Islam dan usaha ke arah mengajak manusia kepada Islam. Alangkah malunya, ketika umat Islam dunia Barat yang ditekan sedang giat dan berjaya mengislamkan saban hari jumlah begitu banyak penduduk Barat sedangkan kita kalut dengan cerita orang murtad. Padahal tidak ada kerajaan yang memberikan keistimewaan kepada umat Islam di Barat. Apatah lagi perlembagaan yang boleh dikaitkan dengan Islam. Tiba- tiba dalam negara yang banyak masjid, ceramah agama di sana sini, ada pejabat agama dan mufti, pelbagai pertubuhan Islam wujud, perlembagaannya menyebut Islam, ustaz-ustaznya pun banyak duit ceramah yang telah dihasilkan, mufti-muftinya pun ramai yang berjenama mewah, slogan Islam pun banyak kedengaran di sana sini, lalu kita isytiharkan ratusan ribu telah murtad.

Sedangkan umat Islam Barat yang lebih mencabar keadaan mereka itu mengisytiharkan ratusan ribu yang menganut Islam. Bahkan begitu banyak gereja bertukar menjadi masjid. Padahal tidak ada mahkamah syariah pun di negara-negara tersebut. Namun mereka berdakwah dengan penuh amanah dan kesarjanaan. Lantas, manusia berbondong-bondong menganut Islam.
Aduhai malangnya kita. Jika hal yang berlaku sebaliknya. Kalau begitu, barangkali elok sahaja kita pencenkan menteri Jakim, mufti-mufti kesemuanya yang sewaktu dengan mereka kerana ternyata gagal mempertahan dan menjelaskan Islam yang agung ini kepada umat.

Kita juga hendaklah mengkaji sebab-sebab murtad di negara ini. Jangan hanya menuding jari ke pihak lain, tanpa melihat kepada diri kita sendiri. Jika kita teliti, ramai yang ingin meninggalkan Islam terdiri daripada mereka yang dahulunya beragama lain. Mereka menganut Islam kadangkala disebabkan faktor perkahwinan. Apabila berlaku perceraian, mereka hilang tempat bergantung. Masyarakat Islam pula ramai yang kurang prihatin terhadap saudara baru. Lalu mereka tiada pilihan, terpaksa kembali kepada keluarga asal atau masyarakat yang lebih memahami mereka. Sebab itu, saya mencadangkan masjid Cina. Antara sebabnya membolehkan mereka bertemu dengan yang senasib atau yang lebih faham tentang diri mereka. Lalu berlaku bantu-membantu. Juga proses pemahaman Islam lebih lancar dan mudah. Itu pun ada yang membantah cadangan tersebut. Kononnya hendak jaga identiti Melayu.

Takut berpecah antara sesama Islam yang berlainan bangsa. Itulah andaian emosi tanpa satu kajian. Padahal, apa yang berlaku sekarang bukan sekadar berpecah, bahkan keluar agama!
Baru-baru ini ada saudara baru yang minta hendak menganut Islam di hadapan saya. Katanya, dia telah ke pejabat agama sebuah negeri tetapi ditolak beberapa kali kerana lidahnya tidak dapat menyebut ucapan syahadah dengan baik. Inilah sikap buruk sesetengah kita yang menghalang orang hendak menganut Islam. Barangkali ustaz berkenaan kalau boleh bacaan tajwid orang yang hendak menganut Islam pun hendak diujinya. Ya syeikh! Islam dianuti bukan kerana kefasihan lidah, tetapi keyakinan dan akidah!

Amatlah pelik, bagi agama yang indah, harmoni dan dipenuhi pula dengan hujah dan alasan, tiba-tiba ada pula yang tidak puas hati dengannya dan ingin meninggalkannya. Padahal saluran penerangan Islam begitu luas dalam negara ini. Sedangkan Islam sudah sempurna. Tidak ada masalah dengan inti kandungannya. Ia agama yang mampu dicabar. Firman Allah dalam surah al-Baqarah ayat 111: (maksudnya): Dan mereka (Yahudi dan Nasrani) berkata pula: "Tidak sekali-kali akan masuk syurga melainkan orang-orang yang berugama Yahudi atau Nasrani." Yang demikian itu hanyalah angan-angan mereka sahaja. Katakanlah (Wahai Muhammad): "Bawalah bukti-bukti kamu itu, jika betul kamu orang-orang yang benar."

Apa yang tinggal untuk dipersoalkan adalah sikap penganutnya. Manusia lari meninggalkan Islam kerana sikap penganutnya atau huraian Islam yang salah. Bukan kerana Islam. Kita gagal membina benteng yang mampu mempertahankan Islam. Kita lebih suka menyalahkan orang lain apabila kita lemah. Saya ambil contoh dalam masalah Bible dalam bahasa melayu. Saya bukan ingin mengatakan dibolehkan atau tidak. Tetapi sehingga bila kita ingin menjerit dan membantah. Kita bimbang anak-anak kita terpengaruh dengan Bible jika ianya dalam bahasa Melayu. Apakah kita tidak bimbang jika anak kita pandai bahasa Inggeris dan nanti dia boleh baca Bible dalam bahasa Inggeris pula? Tidak inginkah pula kita mengharamkan bahasa Inggeris untuk anak-anak kita? Apa pula yang hendak kita buat dengan Internet yang seseorang mampu mendapatkan apa sahaja daripadanya? Apa kita kata jika kita dapati ada satu bangsa yang takut orang- orangnya diberi kesempatan membaca al- Quran terjemahan dalam bahasa mereka. Tentu kita akan kata; mereka takut sebab al-Quran itu benar. Demikianlah orang lain fikir tentang kitab mereka apabila dihalang. Sehingga bila kita mampu menghalang? Sepatutnya kita membina benteng ketahanan yang kuat. Lihat apa yang dibuat oleh Ahmad Deedat dan Dr. Zakir Naik dalam menjawab Bible. Orang menganut Islam apabila mendengar mereka membahaskan Bible. Huraikan Bible secara ilmiah dan buktikan kebenaran al-Quran dan Islam. Ustaz-ustaz mesti meningkatkan kemampuan menguasai bidang yang pelbagai sesuai dengan tuntutan zaman. Bukan asyik kempen kismis jampi sahaja. Kocek penuh, umat lari. Jawab segala tuduhan terhadap Islam dengan penuh wibawa dan ilmiah. Bukan emosi semata. Bahkan kalau perlu dihuraikan Das Kapital pun huraikanlah sekalipun dalam masjid. Namun apabila ceramah dan syarahan agama lebih banyak jenaka dan lawak 'tak pandai' maka pelbagai tohmahan terhadap Islam gagal ditangkis dengan mantap. Sedangkan al-Quran mengajar pelbagai isi dan cara berdialog menghadapai Ahl al-Kitab. Antaranya Allah menyebutkan: (maksudnya) Dan janganlah kamu berbahas dengan Ahli Kitab melainkan dengan cara yang lebih baik, kecuali orang- orang yang berlaku zalim di antara mereka; dan katakanlah (kepada mereka): "Kami beriman kepada (al-Quran) yang diturunkan kepada Kami dan kepada (Taurat dan Injil) yang diturunkan kepada kamu; dan Tuhan kami, juga Tuhan kamu, adalah satu; dan kepada-Nyalah Kami patuh dengan berserah diri." (al-Ankabut: 46).

Anak-anak kaum muslimin mustahil akan terpengaruh dengan Bible jika mereka membaca al-Quran. Ada yang kata: masalahnya mereka tidak baca al-Quran. Kita tanya; jika al-Quran pun mereka tidak minat baca, macam mana pula mereka berminat membaca Bible? Atau barangkali di rumah mereka tidak ada al-Quran terjemahan? Ataupun mungkin juga cara al-Quran dihuraikan oleh sesetengah kita menjadikan orang salah faham atau tidak minat dengan al-Quran.

Apa yang penting, kita mesti bina ketahanan diri dalam kefahaman umat Islam di Malaysia ini. Sejauh manakah kita hendak bertahan dengan jeritan dan bantahan terhadap orang lain, jika kita sendiri lemah. Umat Islam di negara Barat tanpa pelbagai keistimewaan seperti kita tetapi mampu menyebarkan Islam. Bahkan selepas 11 September al-Quran dilaporkan begitu laris di pasaran mereka. Mengapa kita sebaliknya?

Ramai yang memperkatakan hukuman murtad. Saya tidak ingin melebarkan khilaf fuqaha di sini. Namun kita tidak melaksanakan langkah-langkah yang diperintahkan syarak sebelum menghukum orang murtad. Hasil dari nas-nas hadis dan amalan sahabah, para fuqaha menyatakan hendaklah orang murtad itu diberikan ruang perbincangan, dihilangkan kekeliruannya mengenai agama dan diajak bertaubat (lihat: Abd al-Halim 'Uwais, Mausu'ah al-Fiqh al-Islami al-Mu'asir, 3/438).

Proses ini penting, sebelum kita sibuk memperkatakan tentang hukuman. Proses ini boleh dibuat oleh pelbagai pihak. Tidak semesti memerlukan kuasa. Namun hanya sedikit yang melakukannya. Banyak perkara yang mengelirukan umat Islam pada zaman ini. Manusia mungkin murtad disebabkan kurangnya penjelasan yang meyakinkan. Sikap, tindakan dan pentafsiran sesetengah pihak di kalangan umat Islam juga boleh menyebabkan orang bingung dengan Islam. Tiba-tiba apabila mereka murtad terus sahaja ada pihak yang memperkatakan tentang hukuman sebelum mendengar dan membuat penjelasan secara mantap dan adil, mana mungkin jiwa yang merdeka dapat menerimanya. Proses penerangan dan dialog tentang Islam dengan cara yang lebih terbuka dan berani patut dilakukan. Di negara lain, tokoh-tokoh umat Islam sudah lama mampu menyampaikan penerangan tentang Islam sehingga di gereja dan di pelbagai saluran.

Hari ini tidak ada Abu Bakar yang mampu menolong kita. Apa yang patut kita fikirkan adalah membina ketahanan umat agar kukuh kefahamannya terhadap Islam. Pengukuhan itu tidak akan berlaku jika pihak yang menerangkan Islam itu sendiri rapuh kefahamannya dan menakutkan pula wataknya. Lebih penting isu murtad jangan dijadikan sebagai peluang untuk mempromosi diri, persatuan atau modal politik. Sebaliknya lihat ia sebagai tanggungjawab bersama yang mesti ditangani secara ilmiah, bukan sentimen.

Dr. Mohd. Asri Zainul Abidin ialah Mufti Kerajaan Negeri Perlis.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Life's a big puzzle

I like this blog because I am anonymous and I am free to have my thoughts written down without fear or shame. Thoughts that I could not mention to people I know for fear they would judge me and how my family and I live.

Like that time when I was six and I saw my parents having sex. I just stood there, watching, until my parents realized I was staring directly and asked me to go back to sleep. I did not know what it was, but they all make sense now.

Like that time when I was nine and I found a book about sex under my parents' mattress and read it but never understood it until years later. Then, I tried to search for the book again, but I it was never found.
Funny, hiding the book under the mattress...As a kid, I like to hide and lie under my parents' bed. That is how I found the book. And some money...Funny...

I have a friend who aborted her foetus.

I could not stop her. I found out after she did it.

If you look at her, you'd never guess she is no longer a virgin. A normal Malay girl complete with tudung to everywhere she goes. She is successful in her studies too.

But that's life.

I bet if you look at me, you'd never guess I had a phone sex before! Hahahaha....Kecoh, phone sex pun nak kecoh ke....And I am not even sure if that is considered a phone sex!

I condemn those who abort, even those who support abortions!

Of course, I allow exceptions to mothers whose lives at risk.

Ibarat meludah ke langit, terkena batang hidung sendiri.

Because I think my mother had an abortion.

I could vividly remember how we went to a clinic (not in Malaysia) and I asked my mother why were we there.

"Nak cuci perut..." my mom answered.

I was young, probably around 5 years old. She left me in the waiting lounge and came back a while later.

This stuck in my mind. Although I can never be sure of what really happened, I know for sure she went for an abortion. Something at the back of mind tells me so. Probably there is something planted deep in my brain, something that proves my hypothesis, but I am not sure what.

And I don't know why this event is one of my earliest memories in my life.

Don't you think it is amazing, how life is like puzzle? As you grow older, the things you remember when you were young finally fit the picture. It is like unfolding a mystery.

And you say, "Aaahhhh....It makes sense now".

Sunday, June 3, 2007

I am horny

I think I have two personalities.

I want to be a good Muslim. I know how to be a good Muslim.

But I have my desires.

When I am bad, I am really bad...Really!

Just now, my boyfriend and I had phone sex.

He wants to lick me. I want him to lick me too. But this is sinful! But I want...We want...

I am in dilemma. I want to kiss him but I know this will lead to something else. I know in his presence, I could not resist him. Ahhh....Setan!

God, help me. I hope my parents will quickly marry me to this guy before I commit more sins!

But you know, parents, they always want the best for their daughters.

My boyfriend is the best for me, but the parents are not convinced yet. They need time to get to know him.

Which leads to more sins!

There are two ways to avoid this:

1) avoid being alone together
2) fasting

*insert curses here*

Why do marriages have to be so complicated?

Why do you need months of planning?

I am dying to make love here!

Friday, June 1, 2007

I want you to be a Muslim

To be a judge is a huge responsible. You are the man of justice. People put faith in you to make the right, the most just decision.

Even Islam acknowledge this. To be a judge is one of the hardest jobs ever, along with being a leader, and probably, being a mother/ parent.

It makes sense even though you are not a Muslim. It is risky to be a judge. There are always people who are not satisfied with you verdict. You put your life, and your families' lives at risk. Is that not difficult to be a judge?

An ideal judge is a person with knowledge. He is sensible. He makes decision according to evidences and reliable witnesses. He has to put himself in the victim's shoes and calculate the fair punishment to the guilty party. He is a role model.

If I was the judge in Lina Joy's case, I would not allow her to convert either.

I probably cannot do anything with her decision to convert, but to forbid her to publicly convert is the least I could do as a judge.

Religion is not something you can play with. It is a commitment to God.

When living in a multi-racial community like in Malaysia, you have to respect many different cultures and religions.

We are already disrespecting God by not having Hudud Law implemented in this so-called Muslim country.

To agree with Lina Joy's plead is inviting troubles. It would give the wrong impression to the society that you could take religions lightly. It would crush people's hopes, especially her parents.

Let God decide your status. In the meantime, Lina Joy, you are still a Muslim as stated your IC, however insulting you are to Islam.