(Note: The previous post was written one day after his death. This was written about two weeks after)
Today is only a few days after 2 weeks of Father's passing.
I went back to work three days after is burial. I was strong. Like I said before, I keep telling myself that probably it was better for him to go when he was at home.
I was at the hospital the other day. I stood by a client's side when the doctor told the patient's family the devastating news.
"Orang, kalau dah lebih usia 50tahun, jantungnya akan jadi lemah."
Immediately, my eyes were filled up with tears. 'But this patient is still young. Father was still young!' I thought to myself. I excused myself and gathered the courage to face the day.
The next day, I learned that that particular client of mine passed away. For the first time of my life, I felt so attached to her, that I sobbed uncontrollably = she just reminded me so much of Father.
One lonely night, I laid on my bed. At the end of the line, was my ever faithful boyfriend, who accompanied my sleepless night. Softly, I told him my many regrets,
I was half-convinced that Father hated me.
"Abang, Abang rasa Father lebih sanggup mati daripada nikahkan I dengan you?"
Probably that was his wish. He was against us so much, probably that was Father's doa in front of the Kaabah.
My boyfriend said: "Sayang tak boleh fikir macam tu. Semua kerja Tuhan. Awal atau lewat mati. Father doa yang terbaik untuk anak dia. Supaya awak dapat suami yang soleh. Father dah restu perkahwinan kita. Family you pun dah boleh terima Abang. Mestilah dia nak nikahkan kita tapi tak kesampaian kerana panggilan Ilahi."
"Abang ingat sebelum Father pergi Mekah, Abang jumpa dia dan makan sekali dengan dia."
I became even more sad because, "Abang dapat duduk and makan dengan dia but I tak sempat nak berborak before dia pergi Mekah. Lepas balik dari Mekah pun tak sempat bercakap."
Oh, my God. It is so hard to type all this.
Many things ran through my mind like
How my children woundn't get to know their grandFather
Who would kiss me on my forehead on the day of my nikah
Up to the point that it made me so angry that my boyfriend didn't wed me earlier!
Me: Kenapa cepat sangat pergi?
People: Sabar, Ectopy. Orang baik memang Tuhan sayang, mati cepat. Dia meninggal pun tak susah.
Even if you hated me, I love you and I hope you forgive me even though I probably had hurt you for so many times before.
1 day ago