Monday, December 24, 2007

Kesimpulan 2 cerita

Di butik Louis Vuitton.

Pembeli: Cantik kasut ni...Saya mahu satu pasang.
Penjual: Oh, maaf. Design yang ini sudah out of stock. Design ni sungguh laku.
Pembeli: Habis stok? (Kecewa)
Penjual: Mawi datang beli satu pasang beberapa hari yang lepas. Dia beli sepasang kasut yang ini juga (menunding jari ke design kasut yang lain)
Pembeli: Wah, budak kampung pun beli kasut LV dua pasang!

Kesimpulan: Rezeki Mawi murah. Macam cerita dongeng yang menjadi kenyataan.

Di kedai jam.

Lelaki: Cantik kan jam Breitling itu? RM30000. Jam idaman saya.
Perempuan: Kenapa mahal sangat? Apa yang membuatkannya mahal sangat? Ada emas eh? Lelaki tak boleh pakai emas! Haram! Tak boleh dibawa sembahyang! Tak sah!
Lelaki: Masa sembahyang, saya tanggalkan jam tu, saya tinggalkan pada awak.
Perempuan: Awak jangan nak membazir beli jam mahal-mahal. Yang layak memakai jam RM30000 hanya perempuan macam saya! (Ketawa)
Lelaki: Huh, mengambil kesempatan rupanya...

Kesimpulan: Lelaki tak boleh pakai emas. DAN lelaki mesti membelikan perempuan jam yang mahal. ;)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

i want to feel like a bride

I couldn't make it to my friend's wedding. She must be pretty busy now. So, I called our bestfriend instead. She's going to be the bridesmaid.

Being in and out of the countries make it difficult to keep myself up-to-date.

"Her wedding is going to be beautiful. Since she's taken some time off from work, she concentrates on the details of her wedding all by herself. Like, she would decorate the stairs the way she wants it, putting up lights in the bedroom...But she doesn't make her own hantaran, she said she isn't artsy enough. Haha. Isn't that nice? She really feels like she's gonna get married. Her wedding gown is beautiful too. I like her baju nikah, really pretty. She goes to see the tailor all the time for fittings. It's gonna turn out beautifully. She's really excited about her wedding, like, after she picked up her veil, she called and screamed to me that she had already picked up the veil!"

All I could say was, "Of course her wedding be beautiful, of course". Really, I am happy for her.

I've told myself many times before not to compare myself with others because I will hurt myself, but I couldn't help it!

I went to get my boyfriend's aid. Starting calmly, I told him what she told me about my friend's wedding. Tears started to stream down my cheeks after a few seconds.

"I want a beautiful wedding too. I want to feel like I want to get married too! I want to feel and look beautiful, I want to visit my tailor every other day for fittings. I want to create my own room, my own pelamin, my own door gifts. But I couldn't do all that. I am so busy with my work, I couldn't possibly take some time off for my weddings. I want to feel like I am going to get married. I don't want people to do things for me. I want to be the wedding-planner, I want to feel like a bride getting married," I was really, really sad.

My boyfriend was really understanding, he said, "It's her jodoh now, our time will come. Of course, we will get married. I want to get married too. Don't be sad. I'm sure our weddings will be beautiful. We could go to the tailors on weekends, we will go shopping together, we will make every decision together, you could have it your way. You will feel like you are going to get married too". Then, he hugged me.

Unsatisfied, I continued to pour my heart out, "But I am so busy with work, I wouldn't have the time. Why can't we get married earlier? Why wouldn't my parents let me marry you? We would have married now. Most of my friends are already married. And I found out two more are having babies. And they all are the kinds of people you woulnd't expect to get married earlier than me. We went to school together, they are the hu-ha types of people, not me. I am the one who should be doing all this. It's not fair."

"Sabarlah, okay?" he wiped my tears away.

There was silence in the air. My boyfriend is very good at comforting me. He knows what to say at the right time, and he knows when to just listen, no further comments or replies needed.

After a few while, I said, "Okay."

"We are going to get married soon, just a simple nikah, and when the time comes, you could bersanding and be pretty all you want. You could plan our wedding and I'll help you, I will be there for you. It will be beautiful."

I gave him a short reply, "Hmmm" and I nodded.

I know why I feel sad. I feel sinful. When I was in school, in college, in university, I was the nice one. I didn't have multiple boyfriends, let alone bermaksiatan dengan lelaki.
Now, look at me. I feel like I am the most sinful person of all, I hug and kiss this man who is not my husband.

Why must it be so hard for me to be a good muslimah? I am a nice person.
I always have this ideal relationship in my head, get to know each other for six months, then straight to marriage. No hanky panky involved. I believe that when you fall in love, you don't need that long to know that you are in love. So, why put a marriage on hold?

Everything was according to my plan when I introduced my boyfriend to my parents after six months of loving him. My plan didn't go smooth-sailing.
I don't have a plan B.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007



There's a growth somewhere on my body.
I've noticed it for years, but never consulted a doctor.

My father is worried. He told me he loves me very much, he prays to God to take his life instead of mine.

Father, I am not going to die from it!


I am a bad cook, but at least I am better than my sister. I've been privilaged to learn how to cook because I was away from home. Somehow, when you were a student with limited pocket money to spend, you did all the necessaries to keep you alive and going ie: Belajar memasak.

Mother said: Perempuan kalau tak tahu memasak tu cacat.
I said: Suruh orang gajilah masak...
Mother said: Nanti jadi macam family Auntie R, setiap hari makan dekat luar.
I said: Haaa...Elok je family Auntie R makan dekat luar, tak cacat pon....
Mother said: Tapi duit habislah!

It's bad enough that I am bad cook, worse is I have no interest in cooking.
No interest = No motivation = No improvement = Bad cook
I once read an article about human behaviour towards surveys. According to it, in surveys, we tend to be more open in giving out the details in our lives.

When a stranger comes to you to ask questions about your love life, for example, you wouldn't be comfortable to answer him/ her. However, when given a survey, most of us will give our honest answers.

Another example is when a boyfriend approaches his girl to ask her what kind of flowers she likes but she refuses to answer him. Another guy comes along and gives her a survey: What is your favourite flower? She willingly and happily tells that stranger: White roses.

Isn't that interesting? I find there is some truths in the article. And I wonder why.

Because a survey sounds more interesting and more professional than answering a scary stranger?
Because our minds are tricked for thinking a survey is different from a set of random, personal questions?

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night.
My friend. Can't remember what happened.

2. What were you doing at 0800?

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Watching TV.

4. What happened to you in 2006?

One of the highlights is I fell in love.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
Malaysia. Somebody was asking where was I from.

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Just plain water.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Brown. Been using it for 4-5 years.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Enchanted movie ticket. Overrated.

9. Where were you last night?
Out with friends. Window shopped and watched a movie. That's all.

10. What color is your front door?
Creamy white.

11. Where do you keep your change?
My purse. But I take every opportunity to use it because I don't like bulky purses.

12. What’s the weather like today?
Sunny. Great!

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Chocolate. Most probably Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I only buy them on special occasions, emergency situations (eg: craving or depression) or when it is on sale.

14. What excites you?
Gifts and surprises.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
Yes. I hate my current plain hair. I want my fringe back. Fringe is in.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
You think?

17. Do you talk a lot?
I used to when I was younger but I've learned to keep my mouth shut. I am more reserved now, especially to strangers. I smile a lot though.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
The correct answer is I DID watch the first and second seasons of the O.C.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
No, I don't think so. I can't recall anybody named Steven except for Steven Wakefield, that character from the golden years of Sweet Valley.

20. Do you make up your own words?
Of course! I even give people nicknames.

21. Are you a jealous person?

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
Ashraf. I've known him since I was in primary school.

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Kamal. I've known him since I was in primary school too. One of the richest kids in school.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
My friend, A.

25. What does the last text message you received say?
"K. nanti abg btau k..guna la next year dpt hadiah lain pulak!"

26. Do you chew on your straw?
Sometimes, especially when I wasn't thirsty. I don't chew straws at proper functions too.

27. Do you have curly hair?
When I was small, my hair was so curly, I hated it so much. Now, it isn't as wild as before, and my hair is more wavy than curly.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Out for a shopping trip tomorrow.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
This girl I used to live with. I don't know why, I've never received any rude comments from her but most of my other friends did. I don't hate her, that's just the way she is. She could be sweet and funny too.
Oh, and another girl whom I used to live with. I despise this one. She thought she was pretty and she made rude comments to my friends about looks. Again, I've never been a victim.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Canned green peas.

31. Will you get married in the future?
Yes, once.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
Knocked up.

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
I like many people, but I'm in love with one person only.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Yesterday. No dirty dishes yet today.

35. Are you currently depressed?
No. I am happy!

36. Did you cry today?

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Pruplelillies tagged me.


Seorang lelaki pergi ke bank.
Kelihatan kelibat rakannya yang sudah lama tidak berjumpa.
Rakan lelakinya yang semakin cantik.

Bertegur siapa seperti biasa.

Sejak itu, setiap kali lelaki pergi ke bank, lelaki akan diberikan layanan yang cepat, tak perlu beratur.
Suatu hari, lelaki cantik mengajak lelaki keluar bertemujanji.

Beberapa hari kemudian, di kaunter bank, lelaki cantik tanpa segan silu mengusap-usap tangan lelaki dan mengajak beliau pulang ke rumah untuk mengadakan hubungan intim.


Lelaki bertekad, "Lain kali, aku suruh business partner aku yang pergi bank".

Saya cakap, "How do you feel being harrassed?"


Thursday, December 13, 2007


I shouldn't be writing now but my hands are itchy like that.

I know someone, lets call him Malik, who was a very bright student and good-looking. He lived in Bangsar with his wealthy parents. Earning a five-figure salary every month in the 80s is impressive, don't you think? His father was smart too, graduated from one of the top universities in the world.

I don't know what happened, but his father became a womaniser, spending the company's money like mad. It affected his work performance and was fired. He never reclaimed his glory days after that.

Now, lets talk about Malik. Malik was popular in school. He had everything, good looks, music talents, brain, money. Living in the heart of KL, he was introduced to drugs at an early age. Plus with his family situation, he grew up to be angry and rebellious. Never had a proper tertiery education even. He is now very skinny, old, jobless, all thanks to the drugs.

It is sad to see a boy who used to have so many potentials in him, turn out to be running around the neighbourhood half-naked because he was high on drugs. Once, he even pointed a knife to his own mother.

A successful businessman told another businessman who told me this:
Nak berjaya, perlu ada dua benda
- jangan tinggal sembahyang
- jangan main perempuan

A woman can destroy everything you have ever worked for. Trust me. I've seen it. Some of us can be very poisonous.

I am not familiar with the drug industry in Malaysia. But from friends, I know it is easily available.

Probably because I didn't grow up in an urban area, I was very surprised when an 17 or 18-year-old girl admitted that she is a regular drug user. I thought she was too small and too innocent for drugs and she came from a very good family background. How could she be too stupid to get addicted?

I am trying to understand the minds of drug users. I know, some of them were born unfrotunate, nobody to guide them, too stressed for such young souls, that they turn to drugs for comfort. But there are also those who use drugs because they can. The second kind is the people who purposely invite troubles in their lives. I give them none of my sympathy.

Ganja or weed, to me, is the lowest class of drugs. According to my observation, people who are addicted to weed are normally temperemental. They beat their wives. They can be sweet at times, but they have terrible mood swings.

I could never imagine myself to marry a drug user. Most of the wives knew about their husbands' bad habits before tying the knots. But, we, women, always hope that they will change, because the men promised us so. When we realize it will never change, it is already too late.

I don't know how some women could overlook this fact in finding their husbands.

Haha, look who's saying.

I was involved with a person who was a regular drug user. When I met him, he said he had stopped. I welcomed him in my life.
Things weren't going so well between us, so I called it off, but he always threatened me.
He said he would be so crushed without me, only drugs could numb his sadness.

I didn't want to be responsible of him returning to his bad, old habit, so I gave in, many times. One day, I realized, I couldn't control this guy, he should be responsible for his own act, it is not my fault if he decided pollute his body with drugs, why would I take care of someone who wouldn't want to take care of himself?

I've had enough.

I think, the drug use also contributes to his regular visits to the psychiatry department for therapies.

At first, he blamed me for making him go crazy. I felt guilty for months. This guy has his own ways to abuse me mentally. He stalked me so bad, he once broke into my house to steal my bra. How did I know? He told me so!

The therapy helps him in some ways, I think, because he is no longer angry with me, but I would avoid any possible contacts with him.

Jangan buat jampi-jampi dekat coli tuh, sudah...

Monday, December 10, 2007

My hair is not straight, so?

For the past few years, I have been getting my haircut only once a year.
I am lazy.
I want to keep my hair long, sometimes.

Ever since hair straightening become the 'in' thing several years ago, 'the' question never fails to be directed to me.

"Tak mau luruskan rambut?"

Are you saying my natural wavy/ curly hair is ugly? Did you know it costs so much money to maintain straight hair? I know my hair is already beautiful, you are just saying that because you want more money from me, kan? Do I look like someone who would rather spend money on my hair than food? I am food-lover!

After that, the hairdresser usually asks me this:

"Why not??? Lagi cantik tau kalau rambut lurus."
"Susah nak maintain la..."

"You buat lah permanent...Boleh tahan 4-6 bulan."
"I sebenarnya tak tinggal dekat Malaysia. I tinggal dekat London. Balik Malaysia setahun sekali, kadang-kadang 2 tahun sekali. Mahal tau kalau nak pergi saloon dekat London," this is not exactly a lie, a-quarter-true je...

Now, this reply usually diverts the conversation to how is my so-called life in London, away from getting my hair straightened issue. Staying overseas is always more interesting to talk about than your hair, like, duh!!!

Straightening your hair could damage it if you do it excessively. Even blowing your hair dry every morning is not good for your hair if you don't do it properly.

Do I look like someone who wakes up early in the morning just to get ready for two hours before an hour journey to work?
Do you know how it is, to have your hair straightened, then after a few months, the newly grown hair from the top of your head is curly and wavy half-way...It's ugly!
Don't I look clumsy and lazy enough to follow the tedious proper manual of maintaining my hair religiously?

I hide my bad hair day by wearing a hat or tying my hair up or put some hair accesories on my crown as a distraction.
Cheap, easy and effective!

And sometimes, I really love how my hair is naturally messy. I look more care-free and youthful. Call me weird, but I love it when I just wake up from my sleep, my hair is all over the place, then my boyfriend comes to see me and tells me that I look beautiful, regardless. And he means what he says, I know. He has seen me at my worst and still thinks I'm attractive.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against straightened hair, it is just not for me.

To tell you the truth, I am adventurous when it comes to hair. I am never afraid to try a new hair-do.

"Kalau tanak luruskan rambut...Colour rambut takmau?"

Sorry, I just don't deal with straightening or colouring my hair. Lain-lain hair-do, boleh, no problem!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

drama mama.

Have you ever felt suicidal before?

When I was 18 or 19, I always thought of how I was going to kill. I knew I am not brave enough to slit my wrist or hang myself, so I thought, jumping from the 18th floor is the easiest way to die.
As I know suicide is not accepted in Islam, and I really want to go to heaven, I imaginatively created another way to die:
- Stand by the window, somebody surprises me, I lose control, fall.
- Suddely is woken up by bees swarming over me, I close my eyes, I cannot see, I run and run, and fall.

Both are accidental, so, it is not really my fault if I died, eh?

How severe was this thought? Lets say, whenever I was taking a break from studying, I would look at the window and imagined myself doing the above.
Sometimes, I really stood by the window and bent my body halfway.

One other reason why I like to stand by the window is I like how night breeze brushes softly onto my skin. I feel livelier everytime. Just like when I am at the beach.

Why I wanted to die? Because I thought I was going to fail my exams. I fear the embarassment the most. I'd rather die than repeating my course or settle down for something less than expected.

Oh, did I tell you there was someone who jumped off the building? From the 11th floor, I think. I heard his scream. Or was it the scream of someone who saw him fall? I don't know, but a scary scream that I ignored because I thought it was just another stressed student screaming in the exam season.
I saw his body. I saw big cars came and went. I saw the ambulance and the police cars. I saw his friends.

I thought, wow, somebody actually fell from this building, just like my vision. Thank God he was not me!

I was the craziest at this age, driving madly and secretly hoping I would be involved in an accident, just because I didn't want to study for my exams. I thought, if I was hospitalized, I couldn't sit for the exams.

I passed my exams with flying colours, shocking not only me, but my parents, lecturers and some of my friends.
I am not that stupid afterall.
Cuma drama mama sahaja...Hehehe...

Now, I no longer have suicidal thoughts but I get more depressed.
I don't know how severe is my depression, I am never close to anyone who has depression before.

I cry for no reason.
I notice I cannot be left alone or this depression would cloud over me. Betulkan, bila keseorangan, memang banyak setan.

Do a depressed person know that he/ she is depressed initially?
At what stage should I consult a doctor about this?

Or is this another drama mama part of me?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

banyak dosa.

Berdosakah saya, kalau kadang-kadang, saya malu dengan agama sendiri?
(Selidik dalam-dalam)
Tidak, saya tidak malu dengan agama saya, saya cuma malu dengan penganut-penganut agama saya.

Berdosakan saya, jika saya lebih malu dengan saudara-saudara saya se-Islam yang terlalu fanatik dan 'ridiculous' berbanding dengan saudara-suadara saya se-Islam yang 'non-practitioners'?

Sebagai contoh, baru-baru ini, kecoh dengan teddy bear bernama Muhammad.

Di manakah rasionalnya?

Teddy bear bernama Muhammad tak boleh, tapi nama nabi lain boleh? Ismail, Adam, Daud?
Kalau teddy bear bernama Jesus, boleh tak?

Kalau pun she meant to degrade our religion, kenapa tak soal siasat dulu?


I've never been ashamed to admit that I am a Muslim. I am.
"But why are you like this?"
Well...I am a Muslim, but I am not religious. It is compulsory to wear hijab and I have no excuse to not wear one. I have sinned. Degil...Dah tahu nak masuk neraka pun, masih tak takut.

I remember a friend of mine who didn't admit she was a Muslim to a drunk man because she was afraid of him.
I was surprised.
My wild imagination led me to this:
Kalaulah betul lelaki mabuk tu nak bunuh aku malam itu sebab aku cakap aku Muslim, mesti aku bersyukur dapat masuk syurga. (Perasan berjihad)
To my friend: Mati berdosa murtad la engkau masuk neraka tak mengaku Islam, I thought.

But who am I to judge her? Entah-entah, saya yang masuk neraka sebab dah tahu ada bencana, lagi mahu nak provoke. Saja nak bunuh diri ke?

Berdosakah saya kadang-kadang saya malas hendak menerangkan keadaan sebenar tentang agama saya. Saya lari dari anjing/ babi, kemudian saya hanya menjawab mudah, "I'm allegic to dogs and pigs".
Malas nak terang panjang-panjang. Dan juga memang tak tahu kenapa.
Maklum sajalah...Manusia zaman sekarang ni mempunyai sifat inkuiri yang tinggi. Tak cukup kalau jawab, "My religion forbids me from touching dogs and pigs".
"We could touch them, but najis mughollazah bla bla, samak, bla bla bla, tak boleh makan babi juga bla bla bla, sebab tak tahu! Saya tak tahu! Saya tak tahu kenapa saya tak boleh pegang anjing! Tak tahu! Paham tak! Tak tahu!"
"I could not accept your answer. Dogs are the gentlest, cutest and the most adorable creatures on earth, they are not dirty at all..."
Oh, my God, I have sinned again because I didn't provide them THE answer, which I don't know, thanks to my ultimate ignorance to my own religion.
Tuh la...Nama saja Islam, tapi tanak belajar agama sendiri...

Tapi, kenapa saya rasa, orang yang ignorant terhadap agama Islam, tapi tidak mengganggu ketenteraman orang lain, lebih baik daripada orang terlalu fanatik dengan Islam, tapi menimbulkan banyak prasangka buruk terhadap Islam.

Last-last, saya juga yang susah kena jawab, "I don't know, I don't know! Paham tak! I tak tahu! They are crazy people who killed themselves and they wanted to kill other people too, but I don't know why they wanted to do that in the name of Islam because there is no such thing in my religion, really! Really, there is no such thing in Islam."

Dugaan, dugaan...

Tuesday, December 4, 2007



Mother: Are you still with that guy from that state?
Me: Yes.
Mother: What is his actual occupation?
Me: He is ***
Mother: Apa kelulusan yang dia ada?
Me: Degree in Business Admin.
Mother: (I'm not impressed intonation) Why don't you concentrate on your work first before thinking about anything else?
Me: (Silence)
Mother: I'm not saying that you aren't working hard enough, this is just an advice.
Me: Iya lah...

Nur is my niece.

Me: Next year, Nur masih sekolah agama?
Nur: Yes.
Me: Pagi ke petang?
Nur: Apa?
Me: Sekolah kebangsaan, pagi ke petang?
Nur: Mana ada sekolah kebangsaan petang!
Me: OK...So, sekolah agama dekat mana? Dekat masjid atau sekolah agama biasa?
Nur: Sekolah agama biasa! Ada air-cond!

Haha, children...Air-cond is the determining factor where would they be schooling at.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Don't know why.

Have you ever felt suddenly you are sad for no reason?
Like everything is going wrong.
Am I having a mental problem because I suddenly could cry and I don't know why?
And when I start to cry, I would think about the past and all the things I should be sad for.
It's painful.
Right now, I feel so de-motivated.
I need a gateaway.
I need to run away from everything and be alone.
I need to do what I like on my own.
Or lie in bed for hours but that's pathetic. That's not helping.
I need a holiday with a stranger.
Or with someone who totally understands me and just be with me.
I wish I could cry and cry in front of a person and just tell that person everything that I think is going wrong, without actually telling.
That person could read my mind.
I am not very expressive in words.
Because I know, after I cry, I would tell myself that it's fine now, and I would refuse to tell anybody what's wrong.
Because after that, I would say to myself, "How silly of me to cry over that".
I wish somebody could read my mind so I don't have to tell him/ her my ridiculous thoughts myself because I want to save myself from the embarassment.

Right now I am sad and I don't know why.

Friday, November 30, 2007


One day after the argument (which I wrote about below), my boyfriend called me telling his good news:
"I am building 47 houses. Now, choose which house do you want? A corner lot?" there was pride in his voice.
It took me a few seconds to think for a comeback, "Projek tu dekat Terengganu kan? I don't want to live in Terengganu! Do you want to live in Terengganu?"
He laughed, "No. Tapi semalam you bising-bising I tak beli rumah kan? See...I know la what to do...You don't worry okay...Hal rumah ni kecil je...Kalau ade rumah yang sesuai, I beli cepat-cepat. Bukan I tak nak beli, I just want to buy a house that we both like".


My boyfriend totally understands why sometimes I can be so impatient.

If my parents found out about this, they will add another reason to their 'Why he is not suitable for our daughter' list. I could imagine the conversation would go like this:

- So, he doesn't have a house eh? Is he expecting you to support him after this? What kind of man is he?
(But father, mother, it's not like he doesn't have a stable income, he's just...)
- We think he is irresponsible. Don't expect him to change after marriage.
- Your brothers bought their own houses before their marriages. Even you have a house!
(Tapi dia baik!)
- Macam dia seorang lelaki yang baik dekat dunia ni. Ramai lagi lelaki yang baik dan bertanggungjawab.
(He's not irresponsible!)

Then, the same things will be repeated, nothing new here:

- How do you know? He spends his money on cars, isn't he? Are you even sure he's using his own money?
- He doesn't look like he could afford it. He could be a drug dealer.
(How could you! Okay, fine, does this mean I could date anyone who is rich like a photographer, a chef, a F1 driver or a footballer?)
- We don't understand why you can't fall in love with a professional or someone who has a Master degree or something!
(He is not stupid!)
- Your friend, ** married an accountant. **'s boyfriend is a doctor, isn't he? Your friend, the architect or that engineer or that guy who is the son of so and so, he comes from a good family. Why don't you flirt them? Zaman sekarang, dah tak kisah kalau perempuan mulakan dulu. Jangan takut...
(Dah tak suka! Nak buat macam mana!)
- Tak kisahlah siapa pun, asalkan kerja bagus! Awak tu perempuan, belajar tinggi-tinggi, takkan nak settle dengan someone like him...
(He is not stupid and he is successful in what he's doing! Buat apa dapat lelaki gaji besar tapi kaki minum dan tak sembahyang!)
- Eh, pandai-pandai cakap orang tu tak sembahyang.
(Habis tu, father and mother accused my boyfriend for dealing drugs, tak ape pulak?)

I swear if my parents are rich and fanatic enough to protect me, they'll hire a private investigator just to prove my boyfriend is a drug dealer.

Just because he is not handsome, it doesn't mean he cannot afford good cars! If you look really close, he's not that bad! Ada manisnya jugak!
Macamlah my brothers tu handsome sangat. My parents are comparing my boyfriend with my ex-boyfriend, memanglah tak sama!

Besides, I prefer someone who is humble, down to earth and full of surprises rather than someone who just looks the part but actually very cold, mean and empty inside.
I am the one who requested him to pick me up in a lorry just to annoy my colleagues. He never done it though, because he doesn't have a lorry license. When I asked him to let the lorry driver drive the lorry, he refused because he doesn't want me to be sandwiched between him and the driver. "The lorry driver could have naughty hands," he said.

Come to think of it, father probably would have his heart attack if he ever sees me in a lorry.
"Father, look! My boyfriend has a chauffeur too! He drives a lorry! Do you still think he is a drug dealer who sells drugs on his lorry?"

I think my parents will be very happy if I could get someone like Dr. SMS (the astronout) to fall in love with me. But, of course, I should be as pretty and smart as his girlfriend, Dr. Halina, if I'm not mistaken her name is. I am not!
Maybe I should aim that second astronout instead, Dr. Faiz. Engku Emran? He's taken. Or that 76-year-old Tan Sri of Sapura?

A commenter of my previous post said this: Men do things at their own pace and they don't update all the little progress to their partners, unlike women.

That's very true and actually, I am very aware of this. I think most women are, we just can be impatient sometimes.

Monday, November 26, 2007


I pestered my boyfriend to buy a house. I don't mind living in an apartment even, I just think somebody who is serious to get married has to have all the necessities ready. You are not being responsible if you are not prepared to take care of your spouse.

My boyfriend said he has a land. I said, a land is not enough. We need a house, somewehere to move into, a house to start a new life as husband and wife.We are not going to live with my parents. Not yet. We will live with my parents when they are too old to take care of themselves. It's crazy to live with my parents when they don't like my boyfriend in the first place!

We argued.

He said he wanted to buy a house, he already paid the deposit, but the contract was violated and he cannot sue him. It's not that easy. Yes, I do understand. But that doesn't mean the house hunting should stop. I know it's difficult to buy a suitable house now in KL/ Selangor.

I was guilty because I proceeded to say mean things to him.
I didn't mean to hurt him. I was just trying to advise him, trying to put some senses into his head, but I guess I was too harsh and too insensitive.

I said, why didn't he think about buying a house when he was much younger. We wouldn't be facing this problem when everything has been settled early. He said he didn't have a girlfriend that time and was only having the time of his life, being single and no commitment. That's why he didn't buy any property.

I was mad, so I told him, when my pilot friend was 21, he already bought a condo with his own money. (I was poor when I was 21 because I was still studying) Now, where the hell should we buy a house, Putrajaya is an okay place, but it's far and the schools are new. I want to live in a place where good schools are near for my children. Damansara is expensive and most of them are condominiums. I want to live in a Semi-D, at least. I scolded him for being ignorant when he was younger.

He defended himself by saying he never planned to move out from his hometown. By this time, I raised my voice, a smart person will buy properties in KL/ Selangor to let them. How can he not have a thinking like this? I am younger than him, and I a woman, even I know how to play the market! House properties increase in price over time. My boyfriend is more interested to spend money on big cars. I told him, cars don't generate money and they don't last long. There will always be a newer car model, just like mobile phones.

I think his ego was challenged by this, he said, "I don't do bank loans. You know me, I don't do loans!" I told him that there's nothing wrong in loans, people do it all the time, it's normal. He then said, no, loans are for people who don't have their own money. I said, fine, then go buy a decent house by cash, if you insist! Where are all your cash? You've spent it on your cars and motorbikes, didn't you? And you go shopping buying expensice clothes. Now, tell me, can we take shelter in your shoes? Sarcasm.

That's what I am doing now, I working my ass off to satisfy you and your parents, he said. "Since when you become so materialistic like this?" he continued saying. I know things would get worse if I didn't shut up, so I was in silence. I let him talk: You don't know how much money I've spent to get these projects. Sakit kepala pikir perangai orang macam-macam, kena tipu lagi...You tengok I kerja macam senang, tapi you tak tahu I......

I let him talk what he feels:

Look, that's why I want to marry you okay? I feel so wrong to burden you with my problems, I don't want to interrupt your work, I know you have your own problems too. Besides, if we are married, I am more comfortable to tell you about my work, about money, about everything. At least, when I go to bed, I have you by my side. Right now, all I could do is sakit kepala before I sleep. Talking to you is always relieving, but I still have to limit what I could tell you. I don't want to talk money with you. I don't want you to think I am like that. Rezeki bila-bila masa Tuhan boleh bagi, boleh hilang. I work hard to have you. You know I will fight to win you. Right now, I need to know you will always stand by me.
I will buy a house for us. Can you please be patient?


So, anyway, what annoys me the most is the part when he didn't save money when he was younger. When we were 21, my male friends were starting to save money from our monthly allowence just in case, and they didn't even have girlfriends back then!

Am I being materialistic to request for a house?

It's called survival instinct! Every human has it! Except for some men...Because some of them are not human enough!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Jangan menghina dan selalulah bersyukur.

Saya suka dengan tulisan orang ini tentang perhimpuan gelombang kuning baru-baru ini.

Saya mahu negara saya aman damai.
Saya sedih melihat negara saya huru hara.

Ramai yang berkumpul untuk suka-suka.
Ramai juga yang berkumpul membawa kanak-kanak.
Ramai yang berhimpun mahu menegakkan keadilan.
Tapi berapa yang berhimpun untuk di masjid untuk menunaikan sesuatu yang wajib?
Ramai yang menjerit-jerit.
Tapi berapa yang berdoa?

Ramai yang benci polis.
Sila jangan benci polis.
Polis hanya menjalankan tugas.
Tapi jangan kata mereka anjing yang mengikut kata.
Jangan hina mereka.

Polis juga manusia.

Tidak semua orang sehebat kamu, para jurutera, para peguam, para profesional sekalian.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu dikurniakan minda yang cerdas.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu punya wang untuk ke kelas tambahan supaya dapat bantu kamu dapat keputusan yang cemerlang.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu datang dari keluarga yang sentiasa mendorong kamu untuk berjaya.

Tidak semua orang bertuah seperti kamu.
Jadi jangan hina orang lain jika kamu tak pernah merasai kesusahan orang lain, paling tidak, cuba untuk memahami kesusahan orang lain.

Kamu berjaya sekarang ni pun, entah-entah sebab bapa kamu dapat tender-tender sebab berbaik-baik dengan menteri, kan?

Jangan hina orang lain, nanti terkena batang hidung sendiri.

Jangan ajar budak-budak untuk hina orang lain.
Bayangkan perasaan anak-anak polis apabila mereka mendapat tahu bahawa ramai orang benci ayah dan/ atau ibu mereka kerana polis jahat.
Jika polis jahat, tentulah generasi akan datang tidak bercita-cita hendak jadi polis.

Jadi, siapa mahu jadi polis?

Ramai orang tidak bersyukur dengan kedudukan mereka.
Ramai orang marah-marah bila harga tol naik, harga minyak naik, harga tepung naik, harga bil air naik.
Kerajaan pula guna duit rakyat menghantar orang pergi ke angkasa, memang tak patut!

Tapi, kenapa masih ramai orang sanggup beli rokok yang mahal?
Kenapa masih ramai orang sanggup beli arak yang mahal?

Kadang-kadang kita terlupa bahawa ada sesetengah rakyat di benua Afrika yang kebuluran.
Ada sesetengah rakyat negara China yang bekerja siang malam di kilang-kilang tapi diberi gaji yang terlalu sedikit semata-mata kita mahukan barang yang murah!

Kamu tidak rasa syukur dengan kos perubatan yang begitu rendah di negara ini?
Begitu rendah sehinggakan gaji para doktor yang kekurangan pun tidaklah setinggi mana.
Kalau ikut logik, bila produk berkurangan, demand tinggi, harga patut melambung!

Manusia kalau tak bersyukur, memang tak pernah puas.

Kalau tak tahu bersyukur, Tuhan pun tak hendak tolong.

Islam pula menyarankan kita untuk berwasatiah.
Wasatiah itu maksudnya berpada-pada.
Jadi janganlah fanatik terhadap sesuatu parti atau ideologi (tidak kira samada sayap kanan atau kira), berpada-padalah...

Ramai cakap Pak Lah suka tidur.
Jangan hina orang lain.
Kamu pernah jadi Perdana Menteri?
Kamu berbual-bual di mamak sampai lewat malam, bila pagi menjelma, kamu mengantuk, kamu tidur.
Kamu pernah fikir, mungkin Perdana Menteri penat memikirkan masalah negara?
Kamu tahu berapa jam Pak Lah tidur setiap hari?
Kalau tak tahu, jangan hina orang lain.
Cuba bayangkan, kamu seorang lelaki 60 tahun.
Cergas lagikah kamu? Masih energetik?

Hormatilah beliau kerana beliau pemimpin kamu.
Jika kamu sendiri tak hormat pada pemimpin sendiri, siapa lagi?
Sekurang-kurangnya, hormatilah beliau sebagai orang yang lebih tua, lebih 'wise' dari kamu.

Jika kamu rasa you could do a better job than him, why don't you join the election and compete to become the next Prime Minister

Sekadar nak mengingatkan jangan menghina orang lain.
Jangan banyak merungut, jangan kuat complaint, jangan kuat whining, banyakkan bersyukur.

Kalau nak mengubah dengan cara yang berkesan, perlu ada etika. Tunjukkan teladan yang baik. Jangan jadi jahiliah.

Ingatlah wahai pembaca sekalian.

A small, black dot on a piece of white paper.

What do you see?
You say, "A small, black dot!"
I say, "What about the rest of the white paper? Don't you see it?"

Manusia memang mudah nampak yang negatif walaupun kecil.
Tapi perkara-perkara positif yang banyak-banyak susah nak lihat, kan?

Sekarang tak apa, negara masih selamat (agaknya), masing-masing ada pendapat sendiri.
Saya cuma berharap, kalau ada tentangan dari musuh luar, kita warganegara mesti bersatu padu. Lupakan sengketa lama OK?

Lelaki kampung.

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I used to ignore him a lot. Friends always come first. So, everytime I was with my friends, it would take a very long time for me to reply his SMSes. Also, whenever he called, I would turn on my cold shoulders on him and ended our conversation fast.

Not that I didn't love him, I. Just. Don't. Know.

So, because it would take me so long to reply his SMSes, he would worry and started to give me 'Missed Calls'. I hate this part the most because it was so embarassing to receive 'Missed Calls' from a grown up! Not just once, but many until I finally had to give him a reply!
I understood his situation though, he was still a student and he never asked money from his parents. He needed to save money. He even worked part-time to support himself.

Jadi, tak payahlah call terus kan? Risau sangat...

I did explain to him that whenever I was with my friends, I would be extra excited to gossip and I couldn't afford to spare my time just to reply his unimportant SMSes like, "Dah makan?" or "Sihat?"

I was a bad, bad girlfriend.

The most annoying part is when I sulked after we had an argument, and he still dared to give me 'Missed Calls' as a way to make up to me!

We broke up years ago.

Before we ended our relationship, we were separated by distance. I didn't believe in long-distance relationship. Why? Because I know long-distance relationship won't work WITH HIM.

All we did was sending SMSes to each other. I was the one who always had to call. He called me once in a blue moon, and most of the time he called me from a public phone!
I missed him so much but calling from a public phone wasn't so private (duh!) and we couldn't be all mushy and stuff.
He had limited coins in his hands, so I couldn't talk to him as long as I wanted.
Before I even finished the things I wanted to say to him, there would be 'beep' sounds indicating he was running out of money and we had to hang up abruptly!

At first, my ex-boyfriend didn't want to let me go. (Ada pulak tak jadi break up sebab one party disagrees?) I lied to him that I didn't reply his SMSes because I was at a club because I know he hates girls who go clubbing. Berdosa. One day, he suddenly said okay. I soon found out he said okay after he found a replacement. Bodoh!

My ex-boyfriend was not stingy at all, he was just not well-off.
He always tried to be romantic but ended up a little bit silly. Like the time he bought me plastic blue flowers! Or like the time he went to a funfair in his hometown and gave me this weird, small bunny (or at least I thought it was a bunny). Or the time he went to Pulau Pangkor and my souvenir was this cheap keychain!

I don't hate him because of his financial status, I hate him because he was a cheater. I remember I was feeling depressed and angry, I told my friends what a cheapskate he was, he who didn't appreciate all the money I spent on him. Babi!

Coincidentally, my two other friends just broke up with their boyfriends too, and we totally bashed on them, saying nasty things like, "Jangan harap aku nak cari lelaki miskin lagi, tak guna!"

One of my friends even sent money all the way from the UK to her boyfriend. He treated her so bad, I am glad she left him. But of course, she was depressed for a weeks and decided to splurge in Paris.
Another friend loved and called her boyfriend almost everyday when she was in the UK but he left her just because she refused to live with him in Kedah. He also had a problem with my friend being the daughter of a Datuk.

We were so hurt and sad and angry, we swore not to fall in love with a poor, inferior, kampung boy ever again!

Fast forward, all the three of us love our NEW, not so poor, confident, kampung boys. Haha!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The importance of teaching English to kids, when they are still sponges.

My 8-year-old niece, Nur, is number 8 in her class and her batch.

Me: Nombor lapan! Siapa dapat nombor satu?
Nur: Budak India. Nombor satu sampai nombor tujuh semua budak India, tak ada Melayu langsung.
Me: Are you trying to tell me you are the smartest Malay in your school?
Nur: Ye la...Next budak Melayu dapat nombor berapa entah.
Me: Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai?
Nur: Sebab tak pandai cakap English.
Me: Awak kan sekolah Melayu, bukan sekolah Inggeris, belajar guna Bahasa Melayu.
Nur: English lah!
Me: Oh, sorry, sorry, Auntie lupa. Sekarang Matematik dan Sains dalam bahasa Inggeris...Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai English? Sekolah Nur kan banyak bangsa lain...Nur tak kawan dengan mereka?
Nur: Kawan...
Me: Nur guna bahasa Melayu atau bahasa Inggeris?
Nur: English lah!
Me: You must speak in English with them okay...Nanti lama-lama dah tak fluent. Budak Melayu lain cakap English tak?
Nur: Budak Melayu tak pandai cakap English...Nur yang paling pandai...
Me: Kenapa?
Nur: Auntie...Nur kan dulu tadika English! Budak Melayu dekat sini semuanya tadika Agama!
Me: Hahahahaha...Patutlah sampai sekarang Nur tak pandai mengaji lagi!
Nur: Nur sekarang dah Iqra' lapan lah!
Me: So, Nur tak dapat hadiah lah macam ni.
Nur: Tak dapat.
Me: Hadiah dari Mama and Papa?
Nur: Tak dapat! Boringlah duduk rumah! Cuti tak buat apa-apa.
Me: Lets play a game. From now on, we talk in English. Whoever breaks the rule will be punished. Can you do that?
Nur: No problem!
Me: Do you want to follow me to The Curve?
Nur: Yes, yes, yes!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Panic attack.

So much is going on with my mind right now.

I am scared seeing couples who were married last year, or last two years but are now divorced.

They don't have children yet, perhaps that's why it is so easy to walk out on each other?

But isn't it too early?
On the other hand, isn't ending it now better than dragging it until it is too late?

They have known and loved each other for years, 5 years at least, before tying the knot.
Now it all means nothing.

My boyfriend and I? Are we strong enough?

I am frightened to see how some people lie too.

"Hello, I am single, and those are not my children, I don't know them. In fact, I have never seen them in my life."

"I swear, in the name of God!"

What my boyfriend tells to comfort me may have some truth in it afterall.
"Biar susah sekarang, tapi nanti kita bahagia, okay?"

Friday, November 16, 2007

I am a Muslim.

"Abang, I feel like dancing. I wanna go clubbing," I said.
"Kenapa tiba-tiba?"
"Entah...Mengidam pula tonight," I chuckled. "Can you imagine if I were pregnant and suddenly I wanted to go clubbing? Maklumlah...Dah mengidam..."
"Ye la tu! You duduk rumah, baca Quran!"
"I tahulah...Nanti besar, anak dalam perut jadi kaki clubbing," I said followed by a pause, before I continued to say, "Eleh...You tak bagi I selalu clubbing, but when you were my age, you lagi banyak clubbing dari I!"
"I lain...I entertain orang..."
"Jangan nak tipu....You tak pernah entertain orang dekat clubs...You clubbing suka-suka you je!"
"Haha! You know me too well..."

When I was in primary school, I only wore baju kurung on Fridays.
Since little, I was told, "Disco itu haram. Rumah syaitan".

In Standard 4, I started to wear more baju kurung than pinafores. Peer pressures. More and more friends were wearing baju kurung instead of pinafores. Besides, I was still not lady-like. One teacher scolded me for not sitting properly and let everybody see my panties. Budak lagi katakan...

I remember I had a talk with a friend of mine, "Bila nak pakai tudung?" We agreed to start wearing tudung after we finish school.

In standard 6, I wore the tudung after an ustazah brain-washed us. My friends started to cover their heads. Again, peer pressures. Mother was surprised but didn't object. I still remember, in my class, there were only 5 hijab-less girls. (My classmates were all Muslims).
This is the time when most children, or shall I say, adolescents try to develop their own identities. They want to think and decide for themselves. They want to be accepted.
I only wore tudung to school.
One day, I decided not to wear skirts outside of the house.
I remember looking at my red skirt and put it on one side, the side of 'clothes to be worn at home only'. Saya sudah besar...I thought to myself.

At 13, mother wanted to buy pinafores for me but I protested.
"You want to wear tudung to school? Your cousin is 17 and she still wears pinafores! Mengada-ngadalah kamu ni," mother said.
I was a late bloomer. My period didn't come yet and I remember how happy I was to think, "Saya tak berdosa kalau tak sembahyang. Saya kan belum baligh!"

At 14, I wanted to wear tudung permanently because one my bestfriends just decided to wear it full-time.
Mother said, "Suka hati kamulah..."
A tiny voice inside me said, "Kata nak mula pakai tudung lepas habis sekolah..." but I knew it was time for me to cover my aurat.

At 16, I was transferred to a new school. It was compulsory for the Muslims to wear tudung. The school had many other strict rules. I became rebellious. This is the time when I started to ditch tudung. Some schoolmates talked about me behind my back, but I just didn't care. I do what what I want.
I learned the word 'clubbing' this year from a friend who told me about how her parents met (in a club) and how they dated (clubbing together) before they got married.

After school, I was sponsored by the government to further my studies abroad. I wore tudung because because everybody else did. Most of them didn't wear tudung outside the college though, just like me! So, I didn't feel indifferent. It felt normal to me.

Besides, how was I supposed to go clubbing with a tudung on?

I remember the first time I went clubbing. I was in the line, excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because, "I am entering rumah setan! Oh my God, I am so gonna be burnt in hell! Does this mean my solat won't be accepted for the next 40 days? Really? But I won't drink, I just come here to dance. Besides, somebody else is paying this for me. I am not using my own money, the money that is meant for study purposes, to jalan kemungkaran."

The next few visits, I made sure somebody was willing to pay for me. Or, I would only go when it is free. The truth is, until today, I never pay to go clubbing.

During college, I refused to study in the library because it is a public place where men would look at my aurat and I would accumulate sins by not covering myself. I thought, 'I've had enough sins going to clubs and going out without wearing tudung. Hence, I would hide myself from men of non-muhrim where and when possible. It's not like I can't study in my room...'

I went to study abroad and started to become permanently tudung-less.

Mother and father who used to advice me to take my tudung off because 'You are still young,' now wanted me to wear tudung.

I declined.
I started to wear skirts and shorts outside of the house again after so many years.

Mother and father were surprised but didn't actively forbid me. They just said, "Dah besar pun nak pakai skirt? Dulu nak sangat pakai tudung!"
"Sekarang tengah cantiklah nak pakai sexy...Nanti dah tua, orang cakap buang tebiat pula," I defended myself.

I promised myself I would wear the tudung when I reached 23.
23 came and went. Solat started to become less than 5 per day.

The guilt I had before going to clubs is no longer there. I compromised myself. A club, bar, disco...Tak apa masuk rumah setan kalau tak buat benda setan, kan?

But I still have the mentality of, "I've had enough sins revealing myself, holding and kissing my boyfriend and etc. Hence, I would try to avoid to do MORE sins when possible."
Which is why I don't shape my eyebrows.
And why I want to get married!

P/S: Still working on my 5 solat per day.

Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love

If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I`m standin` on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you

If I wake up in world war 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It`s okay if you coming` with me

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I lose my fame and fortune
And I`m homeless on the street
And I`m sleepin` in Grand Central Station
It`s okay if you`re sleepin` with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other`s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It`s okay as long as I got you babe

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I should die this very day
Don`t cry, cause on earth we wasn`t meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I`ll be waiting for you after the judgement day

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldnt hold us

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Give back to the society.

Aiyo...I had a typo in my previous previous entry. No, it wasn't a typo, I made a mistake in choosing the correct word to describe my boyfriend. I didn't realized about it until 'eff' pointed that out. I guess, my mind was really in a mess that time. I meant the opposite.

Most people like him la, okay?

Oh, another thing I should mention in my 'About me', my English is not perfect. I sometimes struggle to write in English. My grammar is all over the place. My vocabulary is limited.

So, why not write in Malay, some of you may ask. I do, sometimes. I just want to get out from my comfort zone. And writing in English is my tool to mask myself. Some people could recognize the similarities in the way I speak and write.


In highschool, I had always dreamt to obtain a license and freely drive the car to wherever I want. I wanted to do charity work because I knew I would have all the time in the world to do something beneficial for the society.

After I finished school, I began to search for charity home adresses. My tendency was towards rumah kebajikan orang miskin rather than orphanages.
Most people would donate to orphans.
Most people forget about the poor.

I may not have the money to give, but I wished to teach the underprivilage kids.

I had the addresses, but I never go to visit them.
I didn't know how I would approach them. I didn't know how they would welcome a lonely 17-year-old girl.
My friends were not interested. Most of them were already busy in colleges.

Two years passed by.

I was involved in a charity work for indigenous school kids.

It felt good because I felt like I was contributing to the society.

"Bapa saya kerja kilang, mak saya tak kerja," one them said.
"Kami bukan macam kakak-kakak dan abang-abang semua. Kami tak pandai belajar."
"Cita-cita saya nak jadi pak guard!"

I forgot about my experience with them until yesterday.

And today, I wish I had the power to change the world.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Don't envy us.

A person envies us, envies our relationship.
A person envies the determination my boyfriend has, the things he does to win me.

I was flattered.
If that person has faith in us, why shouldn't we have faith in us?

I cried thinking how blessed I am.
I cried thinking how fear I am.

I fear the nice things will come to an end.
I fear if we won't make it.

So, to that person:
Please don't envy us. We might not reach our happy endings. Do you want to be like us then?

Friday, November 9, 2007

Stuck in between.

"I told him (one of his bestfriends) that I am going to marry you, I can't wait to marry you," my boyfriend told me just now.

Most of my boyfriend's friends know about me. Most of them know how seriously involved my boyfriend is with me. How could one adult not be? Sometimes, I really don't understand how adults can be so childish, having affairs and flings here and there. Saying 'I love you' without actually mean it.
But this time, is one of the times, when my boyfriend spoke with determination, he spoke without doubt, it was one of the serious heart-to-heart conversation a man would have with his bestfriends.

"What did he say about it?" I asked.

"He asked me, 'When?'. I told him that I would tell my parents to see your parents next year. Do you think your parents will be mad if my parents come to see them?"

"I don't know," I am still unsure.

The topic about my relationship with my boyfriend has been avoided for months now. After the big fight a few months back, my parents and I pretended it never happened. Only once after the incidence mother did ask me, "Are you still in contact with him?"
She didn't even say his name out loud.
I told mother the truth, "Yes".
And that was that. No further response.

I really don't know how my parents are going to react if suddenly I announce, "His family is coming to our house next week."
I could imagine how it is going to be like. Mother and father would say, "No."
"Beranilah nak datang. Kami tak akan terima, we wouldn't open the gate," they would say, followed by long lectures of why I should choose someone else. I would plead, "Please don't embarass me", I would defend him, voices will be raised, tears will be shed, and I would lose the battle. Parents always win, don't you know? A daughter is helpless. Especially a daughter like me who doesn't have siblings to back me up. They wouldn't dare to interfere.

I'll end up looking like a gila meroyan girl, terkena sumpahan orang.

"Look at what he makes you turn into? We never teach you to become like this! He is a bad, bad influence, is this the kind of guy you want to marry? He makes you rude to us! Are you being ungrateful after all we have done for you?" my parents will accuse my boyfriend, they did that before. I know their game strategy. I will feel guilty. I will be left with no choice. To stop further accusations, I will have to calm myself, I will have to stop my tantrums. It is not his fault, stop blaming my boyfriend, he is a good person. That's how my parents win the battle.

My boyfriend's intention to wed me has became a known fact to his parents. But he is yet to persuade his parents to see my parents. "I still need to save money for the wedding," is his excuse to his parents. "We could help you out," his parents would offer. The truth is, money is not an issue.
But how could a son tell his parents, "Her parents don't like me. They say I am not good enough for her."
We are adults. We don't want our families to hate each other. I don't want my boyfriend to tell anybody how choosy my parents are. My boyfriend doesn't want anybody to know how much his girlfriend's parents hate him.

Siapa yang mahu membuka pekung di dada? Kami tidak mahu menconteng arang ke wajah sesiapa.

My boyfriend and I are stuck in between.

When I first introduced my boyfriend to my parents, I thought everything would go well. The possibility of my parents hating him never crossed my mind, not even once. He is perfect to me. He is a gentleman to my friends. He is the responsible son in his family. He is such a dear to his friends. He works in an environment where he deals with people of all ages. He woes most people. How could my parents not like him?

It was a shock to both of us. I wasn't prepared for this.

Our hopes collapsed. It was supposed to be running smoothly, it was supposed to be simple and straight to the point: introduction, acceptance, merisik, meminang, bertunang, marriage...

I wasn't prepared for this.

What went wrong?

I'm trying to stay optimistic. If God wants to put obstacles in my current love life, fine, but I hope I will be having easy success in other areas. I hope I will overcome the obstacles and be happy later in life.

I believe I can have everything I want, just not at the same time.

Well, my Lord, Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...Show me the correct path.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

From time to time, I receive SMSes from a man in his forties. Because of our age difference and his appearance (he looks wise and decent), I trust him to be professional and platonic with our friend/ relationship (we are not exactly friends). I didn't hesitate to exchange phone numbers with him. I think of him as an acquiantance, a brother, or probably an uncle (?). Besides, he is single. I asked him why, but he never answers. I thought he was gay.

But lately, what bothers me is, the word 'sayang' he includes in the SMSes.

For example, last few days, he wished me Happy Aidilfitri, to which I replied: Baru sekarang bagi SMS raya? I prefer duit raya!
"Ala saje, ingat you," was his reply.
Okay, that was it. I didn't reply. What else should I say? There's nothing else to be said.
But he sent me another SMS, telling that he is having a headache. "Kalau you sentuh boleh cepat pulih".
"Me? As if I have magic hands. Go to sleep and you'll be fine," I replied. Platonic or not?
"Banyak rahsia sentuhan tau, nanti you belajar la...Bye sayang."

He is a good man, and wise, like I mentioned earlier. But I told him many times before that I have a boyfriend and I am seriously involved with him.

I am not cheating because my boyfriend knows about him and everytime I get his SMSes, I would tell my boyfriend. I rarely contact this guy, more like, once a month, and everytime, he is the one who initiates the contact.

Sometimes, it is flattering to know someone fancies you. But this guy gives me the shivers, not in a creepy kind of way, and my boyfriend does not know this.

I have the feeling he is the kind of guy who turns up at your parents' house, out of sudden merisik or masuk meminang.

So, maybe I am just being paranoid, but I don't know, I just have that feeling and other men don't give me this kind of feeling.

Why? Why? Why?

He doesn't harrass me with contant calls/ SMSes, he has never confessed his love towards me, just a few 'sayang' here and there. I know I shouldn't take it seriously because that could be his style communicating with women but why do I feel like this? Is this what we call, a woman's instinct?

He once mentioned he wanted me, he said he would wait for me, but I took it as a joke. Adakah saya seorang yang perasan?

I don't know.

Entahlah...Maybe because he is sort of alim-alim and you know la what alim people do...Suddenly without warning, "Ana mahu kahwin dengan ente (or is it anta? Whatever la, I don't know Arabic!)"

Tapi saya tak cukup alim, jadi jangan kahwin dengan saya!

He doesn't know where I live, so thank God.

Anyway, lately I have been so distant with God. For the past two years, it has been difficult for me to find the time to recite the Quran. After reading hansac's blog, I am determined to improve my relationship with God. Baca Quran berlagu-lagu...Solat tak boleh tinggal...
Tapi susah sangat nak pakai tudung.
Sometimes, when I am out and about wearing skirts, it is difficult for me to enter the surau to perform my solat. People always look. I feel like I am such a disgrace, dressing inappropriately in a surau.
I end up missing my solat.
I know I should give up wearing skirts or shorts, but...
Iman nipis...

Monday, November 5, 2007


I read
I wonder if I could be as courageous as her.

I told my boyfriend about it, "He was 38 years old, sayang, and he passed away on his birthday."

I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I am afraid if the same thing happens to us. The possibility is there. The words just couldn't come out from my mouth. It's not that I am embarassed to tell him how much I love him, it is just, my feelings cannot be described by words...They are more than that. I hope he could feel how I feel towards him.

Everytime I think about death, I think about my boyfriend's death, not mine. Isn't it ironic? As if I am immortal. Because whenever I think about what will happen if I die, how I die, I'd re-set my mind: I can't die, I have so many things to do! and I stop thinking about my own death.

This is my secret:

One of the reasons I want to marry my boyfriend soon is because I am afraid if he dies before I could marry him. I am afraid if I cannot find him in heaven. I am afraid if he is matched with an angel who is not me. That's how much I love him, how much I want to be with him.

Not that I am confident to be put in heaven because I have committed so many sins in my life, but I am hoping God will forgive me and one day place me in heaven. I hope God places us in heaven, together.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes, I do love you."
"How much do you love me?"
"I love you forever and ever and ever."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"Yes, I do want to marry you."
"Do you want to live with me?"
"Yes, I do want to live with you."
"I don't think I could live if you leave me..."
"I won't leave you. We will die together."
"Will you live with me forever?"
"I love you and I will live with you...Sampai ke syurga."

I also think what if my boyfriend dies after we are married but nobody knows we are married.

I wouldn't want to marry another man.
And I know my parents will persuade to end my 'single' life.
How would I explain to them, "Hey, mother, father, I am actually a widow...And the reason I don't want to be married is because I am waiting to meet my husband in heaven."
But am I strong enough to overcome the temptations of being in love, be loved and have children?

My wild imaginations have made things complicated.

Why do I keep thinking about death of my boyfriend?
Because he isn't exactly young, you see. We are not young. But he is older than I am, and men generally do die sooner than women.

"Don't worry. I don't smoke and I play sports," my boyfriend tried to calm my worries.
"But look at your food, high cholesterol! You could get a heart attack! Mati mengejut! Or you could die in an accident! That's the worst thing ever, you could die before I am ready to let you go!" I was semi-hysteric.
"I told you, we are going to die together..."

Although 'dying together' sounds ridiculous, but hearing the words from him is soothing.

I think I am living in a fairy-tale.

"Jom lah kahwin cepat," I said.
Because I don't want to lose you, I wish to add.


I am sorry I don't reply your comments.
But, trust me, I do read them.
I just don't know what to say.

Everybody else around me is getting married and I wish I could share the excitements with them. Of course, I am happy for my friends, but I wish I could tell them, "Hey, I am getting married too!"

I wish I too could go shopping for barang hantarans, set appointments with the photographers to see their portfolios, go to the bridal shops, having my mind about to explode thinking about every single detail and become a bridezilla just because it is all about me on my big day.

My plan, or more correctly, our plan to get married in several months has been postponed to early next year. I requested for it.

Some of you might not know this, but I have two homes. One in Malaysia, with my parents, another, my bachelor pad, is in somewhere not in Malaysia. I often travel in and out of the countries. The same goes to my boyfriend. Although we have different professions, fate brings us together. His other home is near to my other home, but he travels even more rarely than I do, once a year.

My boyfriend and I really want to make sure the marriage we will be having is truly 'sah', so he consulted a few pious men. So, the akad nikah will not be held in Thailand or Malaysia, but at a mosque near my other home. My 'tempat bermastautin' for a few months in a year.

My boyfriend always ask me this, "Sudah bersedia untuk menjadi isteri?"

My preparations for my big akad nikah day? Nothing. We don't want anybody to be suspicious. I think I am ready. I will love my husband and take care of him. I will ask for his permission, ask for his advice, make decisions together and respect him.

And I will learn how to cook his favourite dish? Maybe...He is a better cook than I am...

I will not be wearing a nice baju kurung and a lacey veil on my akad nikah. Instead, I will be wearing my baju raya, which is pretty too, by the way. But I have the feeling my boyfriend will surprise me with a pretty wedding baju kurung for me.

He is a sucker at keeping secrets to surprise me, that's how I get to know. Haha! His choice on my wedding baju kurung doesn't concern me at all. For your information, my boyfriend has excellent taste in clothings.

My boyfriend will have several gifts ready for me, but nothing in return from my side. He will buy me a wedding ring, a necklace, matching watches for both of us and money as duit hantaran. I can't be wearing the ring most of the time. The wedding ring will be the pendant of the necklace, so I could wear it without anybody asking my status.

I think I may have given too much informations here...

Okay, I would stop. I was just being a normal lady who is excited for her nikah day.

How would we live our lives? My boyfriend said he is ready to introduce me as his wife to his friends after we are married.

"But, they will ask you why they weren't invited to our wedding!" I protested.
"I would tell them the truth. We nikah first, and the Walimatulurus will be held later. I will invite them then," he said.
"And if they tell your parents about this?"
"My parents will understand...I know them."
"Kalau kena tangkap basah?"
"Kita cakap kita dah kahwin."
"Tapi kita tak ada bukti, tak ada sijil nikah!"
"Kita bayar denda."
"But they will inform my parents and they will kill me!"
"Well, we just have to make love overseas then!"

At this point, I just had to laugh at the simplicity of my boyfriend's mind. He is so cool and determined about this, which in turn, makes me feel safe and secure as long as he is with me.

My feet are still on the ground. The reality is not that simple. I know. We know.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Poligami 2.

Saya pun tak tahu kenapa tiba-tiba saya mahu mengulas tentang isu ini walaupun musim poligami lama sudah berlalu (musim berlalu di dada-dada akhbar, tapi tak bermaksud orang tak buat).

Entri yang lepas membuatkan saya lebih peka terhadap isu ini. Contohnya, baru-baru ini, saya berkenalan dengan seorang lelaki 65 tahun yang inginkan pil Viagra tapi tak lampu hijau dari doktornya kerana beliau mempunyai masalah jantung.

"Tua-tua pun aktif lagi ye?" saya fikir. Secara tak langsung, saya membayangkan ibu bapa saya dan ibu bapa boyfriend saya mengadakan acara rompy session mereka.

"Blerrrghh!!!" saya tiba-tiba tak dapat meneruskan bayangan itu.

Kemudian saya fikir, adakah saya sanggup melayan kehendak seks suami saya apabila beliau berumur 65 tahun nanti? Seorang isteri yang baik, tentulah akan menunaikan tanggungjawabnya. But, can a wife give it all, can her sexual desire be aroused? Isteri yang baik kena fully pleasurable!

Mungkin, by that time, saya akan menjadi tak kesah, saya sendiri yang buat request, "Sayang, I dah tak larat ni, pinggang I dah nak patah...You kahwinlah isteri yang muda sikit..."

Dari Jabir r.a, katanya dia mendengar nabi s.a.w bersabda:”Apabila ada di antara kamu yang tergoda hatinya kepada seorang wanita maka hendaklah dia pulang kepada isterinya untuk melepaskan rasa rindunya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu dapat mententeramkan gejolak hatinya.”

Tengok...Kena pulang kepada isteri! Eh, tapi nanti ada pulak yang argue, 'Lepas saya kahwin dengan wanita itu, bolehlah saya pulang kepada isteri baru saya tu!!!'

Tak ape...Argument masih boleh diterima. Ye lah, kahwin setakat nak memuaskan nafsu, ape kelas!!

Masa muda-muda dulu, mesti lelaki memilih kan? Calon isteri hendaklah bukan sahaja cantik, malah bijak, pandai masak, baik hati, pandai layan budak-budak etc.

Tapi selalunya, lelaki kalau dah tua, tergoda dengan perempuan muda, lebih 50% tertarik pada kecantikan perempuan itu. Jarang sangat yang memilih kriteria-kriteria lain. Ya, betul, isteri muda mesti baik hati dan pandai bergaul juga, tapi threshold/ standard criteria yang lelaki cari pada seorang wanita ketika dia muda dulu sudahpun berkurangan. Ini kerana lelaki itu pun sudah tak berapa kacak.

Jadi, kepada isteri pertama, janganlah anda jealous kepada isteri muda. Andalah yang paling perfect sekali, cuma kini dimamah usia...Nak buat macam mana, suami perlu dipuaskan.

PADA PENDAPAT SAYA, (ditekankan, ini pendapat saya seorang), yang layak berkahwin lagi itu hanyalah lelaki yang tua ataupun yang isterinya telah tua, lalu tidak dapat memenuhkan permintaan seks lelaki itu.
ATAUPUN, lelaki yang kerjayanya membawa ke seluruh dunia, di mana dia perlu isteri untuk menguruskan keperluannya. Paling layak adalah lelaki yang merantau atas tujuan berdakwah (Nabi Muhammad SAW dulu pun berkahwin ramai atas sebab dakwah).
DENGAN syarat, dia berkemampuan DAN adil saksama.

Kepada lelaki, kalau isteri anda muda dan mampu zahir DAN batin, anda pula tak bekerja outstation sana sini (tapi yang selalu anda buat ialah menipu isteri anda outstation), tak perlulah kahwin lagi seorang! Bak kata hadith di atas, "PULANG KEPADA ISTERI". Tak ada sebab untuk anda tidak dapat pulang kepada isteri anda yang telah sedia ada itu...Tak jauh pun!!!

UNLESS YOUR WIFE REFUSES TO SERVE YOU. (or if she's infertile and you want a child so badly. But you know what, nowadays, there are many alternatives to conceive. The cost might be even cheaper than marrying another woman!)
Baru boleh anda beralasan untuk kahwin lagi. Tapi perlulah cari dahulu punca-punca isteri kurang taat. Anda sebagai suami, perlu membimbing isteri anda.
Suami yang baik, perlu ada wibawa dan bijak menjaga rumah tangganya. Kalau isteri yang seorang pun sudah huru hara, inikan pula tambah lagi seorang.

Rumah tangga orang beriman adalah benteng mempertahankan maruah dan harga diri. Rumah yang didiami bukan sekadar tempat berlindung dari panas dan hujan bahkan ia merupakan tempat untuk beristirehat, membina kasih sayang antara ahli keluarga, anak dan isteri dan mencari keredhaan Allah S.W.T. Sesungguhnya, alasan yang paling kukuh mengapa manusia itu perlu berkahwin adalah disebabkan tuntutan psikologi. Dengan perkataan lain ia adalah fitrah yang dijadikan oleh Allah S.W.T. Maka atas tuntutan tersebut, tanpa adanya perkahwinan kadangkala manusia akan terjerumus ke lembah perzinaan dan maksiat. Sebab itulah Islam memuliakan sebuah perkahwinan dan amat menggalakkan umatnya supaya berkahwin sebagaimana sabda Rasulullah s.a.w yang maksudnya: "Wahai anak muda, berkahwinlah. Sesiapa yang mampu, berkahwinlah kerana ia lebih memelihara mata dan menjaga faraj. Sesiapa yang tidak mampu untuk berkahwin hendaklah dia berpuasa kerana puasa adalah penahan (daripada gelojak nafsu)." (Bukhari)

Kalau suami saya berkahwin lagi satu, adakah ini bermaksud he has gone mental (psychological problems)? Ehehehe...Just kidding!

Jadi, isteri pertama perlu paham! Alasan paling kukuh untuk berkahwin kerana sesungguhnya memang fitrah Allah itu menjadikan jiwa manusia ini bergelora, meronta-ronta hendak kepuasan...

Para isteri perlu redha dan berfikiran positif. Semua ini pasti ada hikmahnya...

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri tua: Jangan risau, isteri muda itu tempat suami anda memuaskan nafsu sahaja...Tak perlu jealous dengan isteri muda!

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri muda: Suami pasti lebih sayang dan lebih bermanja-manja dengan anda! Isteri tua sudah tidak dapat belaian macam yang kamu dapat! Kalau suami yang baik, dia akan membelai kesemua isteri-isterinya dengan sama rata, cuma caranya berbeza...Jadi, tahniah, anda dibelai dengan hebat sekali! Jadi, tak perlu jealous dengan isteri tua...

Sesungguhnya, lelaki yang mempunyai lebih dari seorang isteri bukanlah sesuatu yang senang. Seorang kenalan yang beristeri dua, pernah mengaku, "Tak perlulah kahwin banyak-banyak! Penat! Balik rumah isteri pertama, dia minta...Esoknya balik rumah isteri kedua, dia minta juga! Kalau tak bagi, tak adil. Penat....."

Dan sesungguhnya, bukanlah seronok sangat pun jadi isteri muda. Ingat mudah hidup dicemuh masyarakat yang tidak memahami situasi mereka? Ingat senang menjaga anak-anak yang masih kecil tanpa suami sepenuh masa? Lebih-lebih lagi kalau baby, suami pula jarang ada untuk membantu! (Sebab selalunya anak-anak isteri tua sudah besar, jadi tiada masalah anak-anak mempunyai bapa yang macam Chipsmore, sekejap ada, sekejap tak ada).

Tapi kalau jenis suami yang tak adil tu, jawab masa akhirat sajalah nanti.

Jadi, apa kata kita beramai-ramai jangan berat sebelah kepada mana-mana pihak.

Seorang ustadz pernah berkata, "Kalau ikut sunnah Nabi Muhammad SAW, baginda kahwin ramai selepas isteri pertamanya, Khadijah meninggal dunia".

Sejauh mana kebenaran kenyataan di atas, saya tak dapat pastikan, kerana saya kurang mahir dengan sejarah perkahwinan Nabi Muhammad SAW. (Ada sesiapa dapat confirmkan Nabi Muhammad hanya beristerikan Khadijah seorang sebelum Khadijah meninggal dunia?)

Kalau betul....Kudos to our Pak Lah, our Prime Minister!


Kepada isteri-isteri yang berasa suaminya kejam:
Jodoh itu Allah yang tentukan. Allah itu Maha Adil. Kalau diri anda elok, tentulah Allah menjodohkan dengan lelaki yang elok tingkah lakunya. Kalau diri anda beriman, tentulah suami anda pun beriman juga orangnya.

Jika suami anda tak elok budi pekerti, tentulah jodoh baru suami anda sumbang juga perlakuannya.

Kepada isteri-isteri yang baik (tak bias kepada isteri muda atau isteri tua asalkan baik hati) tapi berasa dirinya tertindas dan teraniaya ("kenapa aku walaupun baik dijodohkan dengan lelaki sebegini!" bisik hati kecil anda:
Ingatlah, semua yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya. Cabaran yang Allah beri mesti dapat diselesaikan sebab Allah bukan main suka-suka sahaja nak menyusahkan hidup hamba-hambanya. Sesungguhnya Allah lebih mengetahui.

Dan, doa-doa orang yang dizalimi, yang teraniaya, memang dikabulkan oleh Allah. Jadi, gunakan kesempatan ini untuk berdoa banyak-banyak dengan Allah. Sebagai contoh, "Ya Allah, ubahlah sikap suamiku supaya lebih adil terhadap isteri-isterinya. Tabahkan diriku ini untuk sentiasa menjadi isteri yang baik dan tidak derhaka atau berdendam dengan suamiku. Ubahlah sikap maduku agar lebih bertolak ansur".

Sekarang, kepada isteri pertama yang sedang pedih hatinya, cuba gabungkan kedua-dua motivasi di atas,
"Saya baik, suami saya jahat. Sebab itu suami saya dapat perempuan jahat. Tapi saya baik. Sebab itu dapat dugaan begini".

Diingatkan, ayat di atas cuma sekadar ayat menyedapkan hati sendiri. Hehehehehe...

Realitinya, kita kena sentiasa berbaik sangka terhadap orang lain.


Sunday, October 21, 2007


Dulu, saya pernah terbayangkan, hidup saya ni ditakdirkan untuk bermadu. Sebab, dulu, saya bercinta dengan seorang lelaki yang baik, tetapi saya terlalu fokus dengan kerjaya. Pernah saya nyatakan pada dia, "Lepas kahwin nanti, I akan benarkan you kahwin lagi". Dia pula berjanji, takkan ambil isteri lain. Saya memikirkan hal dia. Dia baik tapi saya pasti tak terlayan dia. Lagipun, saya tak pandai masak, kerja tak tentu masa. Baik jugak lah kalau saya berkongsi kasih. Tak ade lah saya berdosa sangat nanti kalau saya tak ada masa nak uruskan suami. Pass aje dekat isteri lain...

Belum sempat pun kami berkahwin, dia bercinta dengan orang lain. Masa itu, barulah saya paham. Walaupun saya kata berkata pada diri saya, saya rela bermadu, tapi bila dah betul-betul terkena, memang sakit. Syukur juga, belum kahwin lagi kan...He chose her over me lagipun...

Betul kot pilihan dia. Perempuan tu baik. Tak salah apa pun. Saya ni je yang tak cukup bagus untuk ex-boyfriend saya. Tapi, sampai sekarang ni perempuan tu tak tahu apa yang pernah berlaku sewaktu dia syok bercinta dengan ex-boyfriend saya tu. Kawan saya suruh bagitau, saya tak mahu. Biarlah...Sudah bahagia...Saya tak mahu musnahkan.

Fast forward, I am now in love with my current boyfriend.

Entah macam mana, mentaliti dan prinsip yang saya pegang dulu (ie: tak apa jika suami berkahwin lagi) dah tiada. Mungkin sebab betul-betul sayang, sampai tak sanggup berkongsi.

Tapi sejujurnya, tak pulak saya pandang hina pada isteri-isteri lain, cuma kasihan pada isteri pertama, lebih-lebih lagi kalau tiada salah, tiada cacat cela.

Biarlah, it happens to other people, but not to us. Although I know, I cannot control this, who knows what future lies for us.

Tadi saya baca

Kisah isteri kedua.
Dulu pernah terjumpa satu blog isteri kedua, saya tak suka, saya tak ingat pun alamat blog dia.

Saya ni, kalau jenis baca blog, suke baca dari awal sampai akhir. Jadi, blog yang saya dah lupa pon alamat dia tu, saya memang tak setuju, bukan berdasarkan satu entry saja, tapi berdasarkan archive die yang saya baca semuanya.

Blog Puan Suri ni, saya tak ade lah bersetuju sepenuhnya. Ade juga part-part yang saya tak setuju.

Kadang-kadang bergenang air mata saya membaca blog itu. Terbayangkan diri jika berada dalam situasi yang sama, jika berlakunya suami saya kahwin lagi. (Oh, walaupun hakikatnya, saya masih belum berkahwin.)

Tapi, tak baik kutuk-kutuk, hina-hina orang...Takut terkena dekat batang hidung sendiri...Dan kadang-kadang, orang yang kita kutuk-kutuk dan hina-hina itu, lebih mulia dari kita kerana imannya.

Terus terang saya katakan, iman saya ni nipis. Solat lubang-lubang. Itu pun tak khusyuk. Tak tutup aurat, pergi clubbing, bergaul bebas. Jadi, mereka semuanya sememangnya lebih baik dari saya.

Hujah-hujah Puas Suri ada asas, contohnya, dalam Islam, tak ada isteri pertama, kedua, ketiga, keempat, yang ada cuma isteri-isteri. Itu saya setuju.

Tapi dia cakap,

"Lelaki yang dah berkahwin punya kestabilan yang lebih dari segi mental, emosi dan ekonomi. Mereka jugak lebih sabar melayan karenah wanita, berkat pengalaman melayan isteri. Haha.. Lagipun, biasanya lelaki yang baik-baik ni cepat je diambil orang, jadi suami orang, maka sebab mereka ini lelaki yang elok dan baik, wanita lain pun inginkan mereka."

Kadang-kadang, macam tak adil kan? Sebab, waktu suami susah-susah dulu, belum stabil, isterilah yang mula-mula tolong. Tapi bila dah senang, banyak pulak perempuan yang jatuh hati.


Tak marah pun pada perempuan-perempuan yang jatuh hati pada suami orang. Biasalah, manusia, perempuan, mahukan seseorang yang boleh jaga dia, stabil. Saya pun paham juga...Tak hina pun...

Tapi kasihan....Macam saya cakap tadi, saya tak marah, tapi kasihan. Saya bayangkan saya si isteri, mesti terasa hati.

Saya bayangkan saya seorang anak, saya pun tak mahu ayah saya kahwin lain, ada anak dengan perempuan lain.

Tapi apa nak buat kalau benda nak jadi, jodoh, qada' dan qadar.

Lagi satu, cinta ni kan kena ade respons dari kedua-dua belah pihak. Jangan salahkan sebelah pihak saja...


Puan Suri ni isteri rahsia...

Kasihan kan?

Kasihan dua-dua.

Kasihan dekat isteri pertama, kasihan dekat isteri kedua.

Bayangkan, kalau isteri pertama tiba-tiba dapat tahu, mesti rasa tertipu. Suami bertopeng. Bercengkerama dengan orang lain. Mesti rasa rendah diri juga. Kenapa perlu seorang lagi? Kalau aku isteri yang baik, aku patut dah syak, dan boleh bau benda ni awal-awal!

(Tapi mungkin juga dia dah tahu tapi buat-buat tak tahu...Mulianya...Sakit tapi tahan sendiri, display a happy face pretending like it doesn't hurt, just so not to hurt anybody, especially yourself. Macam Puan Guile awal-awal dulu...Atau pun mungkin sebab masih in denial. Tak mahu percaya benda tu benar-benar berlaku.)

I think, benda-benda macam ni, memang better keep it low. I mean, things we don't know, won't hurt, kan?

Yang si isteri kedua pula, memang tak ade pilihan, kena live with the consequences. Dah tahu pun what lie ahead, tak boleh nak complaint lebih-lebih.

Tapi kan, kenapa mesti melukakan? Kadang-kadang saya rasa, kan lebih elok terseksa sendiri daripada menyeksakan orang lain.

Hahaha! Cakap senang! Love is selfish itself.

Contohnya, macam isu saya ni.

Ramai orang cakap, saya selalunya mementingkan orang lain lebih dari kepentingan diri sendiri. I agree so too.

And now, it is time for MY happiness, that's why I feel very strongly to marry my boyfriend. I deserve to be happy too...

Teringat cerita kawan. Seorang doktor yang BARU berkahwin melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar negara, meninggalkan isteri jururawat dan seorang anak yang masih kecil. Isteri tidak ikut berhijrah. Tak tahu kenapa...(Suami tak bagi, tak cukup duit, jaga anak, sebab kerjaya mungkin?)

Sudah habis belajar, suami pulang ke tanah air dengan seorang perempuan untuk dinikahi.

Sekali lagi saya kasihan.

Isteri yang setia menanti, membesarkan dan menjaga anak yang masih kecil itu, seorang diri, dengan harapan suaminya pulang dan hidup gembira, tapi suaminya pulang membawa seorang wanita lain yang jauh lebih hebat darinya.

Mesti terasa rendah diri...

Beliau memberi keizinan, suami dan wanita itu pun melangsungkan perkahwinan dengan meriah dan besar-besaran.

Perlu jadi wanita yang betul-betul tabah untuk hadapi semua itu kan...

Keluarga lelaki itu pula berbelah bahagi, tapi nak buat macam mana...Cara mereka deal with the situation? They distant themselves, mereka tak mahu memilih.

Kasihan si isteri pertama, keseorangan bersama anak yang masih kecil. Hubungan dengan keluarga suami pun jadi longgar. Mungkin masing-masing tak tahu macam mana nak deal dengan situation yang awkward ni.

Kadang-kadang, poligami ni complicated. Banyak perasaan yang perlu dijaga. Melibatkan orang lain juga. Jadi, kena fikir sebelum buat keputusan.

Saturday, October 20, 2007


It hurts when father said he would have ditched mother long time ago if he hasn't been patient with her.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I laugh.

"So, how are things going on with you and your boyfriend?" a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in weeks, asked.

As usual, I smiled happily, "We are doing great! I already met his parents, and he met mine."


I nodded and lied, "Both visits went fine..."

I lied because he is not a bestfriend. Besides, my boyfriend wants me to keep things between us only. I too, think, this is a personal matter.

"So, the families are fine with you guys?" he asked.

"Yes. His parents like me. They are very nice..."

I hoped he would be satisfied with the answer and wouldn't go any specific, but he did. "What about your parents?"

"They are okay..." I am not sure whether I was in denial or was that the answer I would like things to be?.

"Because you know...I read your father's blog..." my friend kept his eyes on the road, he was driving.

Luckily, there were only the two of us in the car. I would die if he decided to discuss this in front of anybody else!

"Oh, yeah? Hmm...Yeah, that's how he feel about us, then..." My face was hot. I know father wrote about his disapproval in his blog, but I didn't know my friends are reading it!

They must have thought I am such an anak derhaka!

Could you understand how I feel? Father dooesn't talk to me but he writes in his blog for the whole world to know how I have disappointed him, how I hurt mother etc. Why can't he write anonymously like I do? Why must he publish the letters he sent to me in his blog?


"I like reading his blog. I find it very interesting. I like the issues discussed in his blog," my friend probably wanted the conversation to be less awkward.

We were stopped at the traffic lights and I was still searching for the right words.
The long silence was broken by my friend, continuing asking, "So how?"

"Howwwww???" I repeated the question, more to myself.
"What do you want me to do? Stay saja lah in the relationship. Takkan you nak I break up? Like Girl and Boy?"

"Why did they break up actually?"

"Girl's parents don't like Boy. Boy thinks, what's the point of being in the relationship when they both know what's going to happen in the end. Girl's parents will not accept him. He doesn't like to be rejected by her parents, because he is an orphan himself, since he was a child. He wants to feel a parent's love. He couldn't achieve it if he was with Girl."

"That's a pity," my friend said. I somehow was glad the conversation steered away from my life.
To keep things less serious, I asked if he was able to introduce me to his friends. I was joking. I don't know whether he knew I was joking. I didn't care. At least he would think I am doing something to please my parents.

We were talking about something, when I laughed.

"How could you be laughing?"

"Habis tu...Takkan I nak nangis? Laughter. It's a tool to hide my real emotions," I answered honestly.

"It's a bad tool," he said.

Betul. Tapi, takkan nak suruh I nangis? I am not very expressive. That defines me.

I'm pretty sure he has told my other friends to read father's blog.

Because now, there is already another friend confessing that she reads father's blog. She even advised me to dump my boyfriend because she said parents are always right.

I wish to tell them, "You don't know my side of story yet. How could I tell you how mean my parents have been to my boyfriend? They are my parents."

I joke and change the topic instead, everytime.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

My family.

When I read about other people's families, I envy them.

My family is rather a weird family. We don't talk much to each other. I only talk to my mother...And my sister...And we are not that intimate.

Looking at the surface, we would have potrayed a perfect family. Everything else is going great. Father never has scandals, siblings and I always do well in school, we are proper and well-behaved, we are financially stable too.

We just don't communicate.

I don't know why. There are may be several factors contibuting to this:

- The big age gap between the the older two siblings with the younger two siblings.

- Brother was sent to a boarding school since he was 13 and studied abroad as well. He has always been so distant.

- Brother and I had a fight when I was 13 or 14. Prior to that, we were close and I liked him because he was brotherly. But I was rude to my mother, ran to my room, he chased after me a few moments later to teach me a lesson. He said awful and mean things to me and I stopped talking to him after that.

- Sister has always been so shy and so quiet. Her voice is so soft, almost mute. She only talks when she needs to or cries. She doesn't have many friends but she is pretty. Even though she is quiet and shy, there are always guys approaching her. I think, that balances things for her. Imagine if she was flirty! Err...Too many broken hearts...

- Father is a fierce person. When I was small, I heard stories about how he treated the older two siblings when they misbehaved or did not do well in school. Mother said my younger sibling and I are lucky because by the time we were born, father was no longer as temperemental as before. No, we were never abused physically nor mentally. Father just would be furious and scolded us if the grades were not As. The worst would be the rotan. But, if we did well, we would be treated a nice holiday together!

I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when I was young. I don't know what make us stop talking. Probably I was a rebellious teenager but never recover from it. But what about my other family members?

Mother is like the medium in the family. The way we communicate to each other is through her. I couldn't imagine our lives would be like without her. Too awkward.

Although most of the time we are under the same roof, we could go days without talking. The house would be too quiet. Sometimes, it would be a little bit livelier with the presence of my brother's only child. But she is becoming a teenager soon and there seems like an infertility problem running in the family.

To conclude, the only persons who talk to everybody are mother and my brother's child.

I thought, after we welcomed in-laws into our families, things would improve. I was wrong.

Sometimes, I wonder how things would be like in 10, 20 years time. What will we talk about? By then, everybody certainly would have led our own lives. We can't be in silence like this if we want to keep the the family ties strong!

That's why, it is my dream to marry a person who is friendly and talkative and well-liked by my family. He must come from a joyous family too, because I want to be a part of that. It is tough since my parents are having a difficult to accept my boyfriend.

In my family, we don't talk about personal stuff. Everything is very basic. The most talked about topics are our careers and educations. When I was young, the only things father would ask me were, "Bila exam?" "Results macam mana?" "Pergi study" End of conversation.

Father tries to bind us together though. We sometimes have family dinners but we usually end up 'buat hal masing-masing' and eat quietly. It's pathetic. We do most things together, actually. We just don't talk! For example, if one of us is going overseas, everybody would be at the airport to bid our farewells. Since father is punctual, we leave the house early and wait at the airport for hours before boarding. Within that time, we don't talk. We don't talk in the car. We don't talk during hari raya, we don't talk. Father and mother talk to each other all the time, but we, the offsprings, seldom get involved in their conversations. We listen. We talk when we are asked, when are expected to talk.

If I were to call home, I always ask for mother, even if father answered the phone. I just don't know how to talk to father.

That's why, when father is against my relationship, I am upset because I feel like he doesn't know me, he never talks to me about anything else, how come out of a sudden he has something to say about my boyfriend!

One time, I was so mad, I sent an SMS to mother expressing my unsatisfaction after a domestic quarrel with them, I said, "Father never talks to me before. And just now he had something to say to me, he yelled at me."

According to them, I am the most difficult child to dealt with because I couldn't tolerate is when somebody is rough with me. I would either break down or fight back, thus it is hard for them to get the message across. I guess, father has gotten too used with his military style approach. So, as I am now older, our mode of communications are via the SMSes, written letters and e-mails. And we live under the same roof.

Although I am quiet at home, I am very talkative among my friends. This annoys my parents sometimes. I couldn't help it.


We shake and kiss hands. Then eat separately and watch TV separately. Apparently, we have enough TVs, telephones, computers, you name it, to cater for our separate needs.

Not that I don't love them, and I am sure they love us too (my parents only recently started to tell me they love me in SMSes, letters or e-mails, technologies do miracles!) but we are not trained to be affectionate.

I vow to change this in my future family.

I am ashamed to admit about my family situation to my friends, but I think they could feel the vibe.

Up until now, I only know one other person whose family is similar to mine.

We are not normal, aren't we?