i want to feel like a bride

I couldn't make it to my friend's wedding. She must be pretty busy now. So, I called our bestfriend instead. She's going to be the bridesmaid.

Being in and out of the countries make it difficult to keep myself up-to-date.

"Her wedding is going to be beautiful. Since she's taken some time off from work, she concentrates on the details of her wedding all by herself. Like, she would decorate the stairs the way she wants it, putting up lights in the bedroom...But she doesn't make her own hantaran, she said she isn't artsy enough. Haha. Isn't that nice? She really feels like she's gonna get married. Her wedding gown is beautiful too. I like her baju nikah, really pretty. She goes to see the tailor all the time for fittings. It's gonna turn out beautifully. She's really excited about her wedding, like, after she picked up her veil, she called and screamed to me that she had already picked up the veil!"

All I could say was, "Of course her wedding be beautiful, of course". Really, I am happy for her.

I've told myself many times before not to compare myself with others because I will hurt myself, but I couldn't help it!

I went to get my boyfriend's aid. Starting calmly, I told him what she told me about my friend's wedding. Tears started to stream down my cheeks after a few seconds.

"I want a beautiful wedding too. I want to feel like I want to get married too! I want to feel and look beautiful, I want to visit my tailor every other day for fittings. I want to create my own room, my own pelamin, my own door gifts. But I couldn't do all that. I am so busy with my work, I couldn't possibly take some time off for my weddings. I want to feel like I am going to get married. I don't want people to do things for me. I want to be the wedding-planner, I want to feel like a bride getting married," I was really, really sad.

My boyfriend was really understanding, he said, "It's her jodoh now, our time will come. Of course, we will get married. I want to get married too. Don't be sad. I'm sure our weddings will be beautiful. We could go to the tailors on weekends, we will go shopping together, we will make every decision together, you could have it your way. You will feel like you are going to get married too". Then, he hugged me.

Unsatisfied, I continued to pour my heart out, "But I am so busy with work, I wouldn't have the time. Why can't we get married earlier? Why wouldn't my parents let me marry you? We would have married now. Most of my friends are already married. And I found out two more are having babies. And they all are the kinds of people you woulnd't expect to get married earlier than me. We went to school together, they are the hu-ha types of people, not me. I am the one who should be doing all this. It's not fair."

"Sabarlah, okay?" he wiped my tears away.

There was silence in the air. My boyfriend is very good at comforting me. He knows what to say at the right time, and he knows when to just listen, no further comments or replies needed.

After a few while, I said, "Okay."

"We are going to get married soon, just a simple nikah, and when the time comes, you could bersanding and be pretty all you want. You could plan our wedding and I'll help you, I will be there for you. It will be beautiful."

I gave him a short reply, "Hmmm" and I nodded.

I know why I feel sad. I feel sinful. When I was in school, in college, in university, I was the nice one. I didn't have multiple boyfriends, let alone bermaksiatan dengan lelaki.
Now, look at me. I feel like I am the most sinful person of all, I hug and kiss this man who is not my husband.

Why must it be so hard for me to be a good muslimah? I am a nice person.
I always have this ideal relationship in my head, get to know each other for six months, then straight to marriage. No hanky panky involved. I believe that when you fall in love, you don't need that long to know that you are in love. So, why put a marriage on hold?

Everything was according to my plan when I introduced my boyfriend to my parents after six months of loving him. My plan didn't go smooth-sailing.
I don't have a plan B.