Saturday, November 29, 2008
About once a month, he would send me an SMS which I never really replied. I didn't want to give him false hope. I haven't chatted with him for months until last night. He asked whether I had broken up with my boyfriend and I told him we are still happy together.
He said if I agreed, he would see my parents as soon as possible.
I asked him why I should choose him and why he likes me. His answers were not impressive at all!
"I just like you," he said. "You don't even know me," I said.
"How many men in this world could be with someone like you...I'd be lucky," he said.
"I am nothing special. I am not rare," I said.
I was getting annoyed because there was no depth to his intention. I felt like he was taking advantage of my vulneribility.
I ended the conversation quickly. I told him, I would only consider him if he was good-looking and rich. Haha.
However, he sempat lagi menjawab, "See for yourself."
What do you want me to see, huh? Your paycheck?
I hope by now he hates me and never brings up this topic ever again.
Still, yesterday was fun. Prior to that, a long lost school friend flirted with me.
He is smart and a very decent guy.
When we were younger, someone told me an inside story about his family. He comes from a very wealthy family. Don't know why his brother left home, though, rumours said he didn't get along too well with their dad (I think they've patched things up now). The informer also said he has a specially built mini bar in his house. Bear in mind this happened when we were quite young and innocent aka 'jakun', hence the 'Oooohh...' and 'Aaaahh...'
His parents used to have exotic pets too! Contohnya deers. How cool is that?
I am glad he turns out okay. Whoever has him as a partner would be lucky. He is very humble, responsible and quite conservative. The conversative part is very comel. Haha.
I am always flattered when someone flirts with me. Biasalah, jakun, haha. Believe me, this happens very rarely to me.
Since my boyfriend is busy nowadays, memang tak ada orang to flirt with. Speaking of my boyfriend, a few nights ago he sent an SMS at about 10pm telling me that he was going to bed already. I called him straightaway just because I wanted to hear his voice before he went to sleep. He confessed that he wasn't going to bed yet, instead, he was going out again to finish his work. The only reason he wished me 'Good night' was because he was afraid if he forgot to say 'Good night' to me later on. It is our little ritual or I would be very upset if he forgets.
He ended up coming home at 430am. The night after, stuffs were stolen from the site. He was very stressed about it because the dateline is very near. After he lodged the police report, he apologized for not having time for me. Surprisingly, I was very understanding. Actually, I symphatize him, I wish I could do more to help him.
I am thinking of buying him with a gift, but I don't know what to buy.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Orang cakap dia itu ini, tapi bila I baca, I rasa macam tak ada apa-apa pun...(except for maybe one or two) And if I was annoyed, I am rarely annoyed at that person, instead, I would be annoyed with one particular issue that he/ she raised in his/ her blog that I do not quite agree with. But the solution to that is simple. Time. Time heals everything. Soon, you would see me stalking the blogs again! Haha.
It is either that I don't get easily annoyed or maybe it is because I don't know them personally, so I have no say-lah!
So, that's why yesterday I was quite happy and glad I was born to feel this way.
Just now, I was doing my usual bloghopping and I came across my weakness. I stumbled upon three or four blogs by female writers. We are born in the same year, one or two are even younger than me but all of them share one thing in common which I really, really desire. Instantly, I felt sad (told you, it is a weakness!) because I still don't have that one thing I long for so much.
During moments like this, I feel like I should stop bloghopping in order to prevent myself from getting hurt by reading their wonderful life stories. I would obsess over their blogs, going through their archives to search for evidence that they too are not perfect.
(That's why I prefer to read ordinary blogs about their ups and downs. It makes them human, just like me. And they are real.)
No, I don't hate them, I more probably envy them, or maybe I am hating myself even more after I read their blogs, I thought, 'God, why can't you make me like them?'
After the sadness and denial, next came anger, which today I managed to control. Now, I am in the state of consoling myself, my life isn't that bad, so what am I whining about? I forgot quite a few people would love to be in my shoes as much as I want to be like them.
The difference between our generation and our mothers' is we are less patient. It is not entirely our fault. We live in an era where we could get anything, ANYTHING, at the tip of our fingers, right there and then. We could not wait, everything must be fast. Kalau boleh, umur 6 tahun pun dah nak sit for A-Levels. Tick tock tick tock, chup chup, hurry up!
I told my boyfriend about it and he said, "Tak lama lagi."
Today, I am slowly teaching myself that I have to wait. Tunggu. Nanti akan tiba. Slowly. Sabar.
Sometimes, I wonder when I would get to the 'acceptance' stage.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My talent is the ability to stay awake for hours. In my book, 24 hours without sleep is a piece of cake. I do it often, without tonic drinks, teas or coffees.
I first discovered this ability when I was 17, thanx to the upcoming SPM which I hadn't been preparing for. It was all worth it. Lucky I've never encountered a dead spirit. The scariest event was when the mice running around my feet but I had to hold my scream because everybody else was sleeping, or that spinster warden would be overly mad at us. And the most disgusting thing was when the dorm cat carried the freshly dead rat into our dorm, with blood trailing on the floor.
How do I do it?
All I need is a constant stimulation, something to be excited about or simply an obligation. Not to forget fear, fear has the same effect on me.
Excitement: Such as gossiping with my girlfriends. I could stay awake watching movies, excited to finish a book, or even playing games! It's not that I refuse to go to bed, I just feel I am not sleepy yet. (Playing games also eliminates hunger pangs, that's a different story altogether.)
Obligation: When I have to finish something because the dateline is very near. It's not that I purposely proscatinate, but what can I say, I work best under pressure.
Fear: This goes hand in hand with obligation. Kalau tertidur during critical moments macam mana? Die-lah for sure!
After I've passed the crucial times, I could tune my brain to relax and fall asleep, just like that!
This leads me to my second special ability. I could sleep in the most uncomfortable situations you could think about.
Since I sometimes don't get enough sleep, I couldn't be fussy on when or where I sleep.
- I could slept with my jeans and shoes on
- I've slept with three people on a single bed
- I've slept at the airport with hard bagpack as my pillow
- I've slept in the cold (this is quite easy because all you want to do is to curl up your body into a ball and the coldness will make you hibernate)
- I could sleep without lying on my back ie: sitting. I've never tried sleeping standing though.
- I could sleep with the TV/ radio and lights switched on
- I could sleep on uneven land or in a tent
To summarise, I will sleep if I decide to, even if I already have enough sleep for the day, which means, I could go on sleeping for 14 hours straight!
You'd find it's easy to wake me up too. Just call my name once or twice and I will be aware of it. You wouldn't find me tossing and turning on the bed asking for 5 more minutes. I could bring myself to rise, unless if I decide there is no strong enough reason to do so (eg: on my day off!)
The only side effect I often get from this bad habit of staying awake for long hours is the ugly raccoon eyes.
I don't like teas, coffees and the likes because
- they make me feel like I have an active bladder
- I'm afraid if I become dependent on them and gradually become resistance to them
- fear of throbbing headaches
I rarely suffer from migraine, but when I do, I find myself couldn't function at all, literally. All I need is a still, quiet, dark, place, a pot besides me in case I vomit, 2-3 Panadols and a few hour of sleep. If I had to move, I need to do it slowly because every motion feels like my brain is being banged to the wall of my skull. Everytime I get the attack, I would imagine the blood vessels to the specific area where the pain is, are being squeezed to the last drop (like Choki Choki), cutting off the supply and making the cells in my brain die a painful death.
Lucky I usually could see it coming and have the time to prepare myself for the worst.
Actually, I was prescribed with Ponstan by my doctor, but I am too scared to take it. (Again, fear of dependence and gradually becoming resistance to it) The name itself suggests it is a quite strong painkiller (stronger than Panadol, weaker than Morphine) which is quite scary for me. Ponstan do sound like 'pengsan'.
Now you know a little bit more about me!
I hate my yellow-stained teeth. They are not as white as the sclera of my eyes. (The sclera of my eyes are the standard of white for teeth, in my personal opinion)
I don't know why my teeth are not white enough. I don't smoke and I rarely drink teas, coffees or Cola drinks! By rare, I meant, maybe once or twice in a month or two!
Now that I think about it, it is probably because of the medication which I took a few years back. It is called Tetracycline and one of the side effects is permanent staining of the teeth.
Can all doctors in this world explain this specific side effect first before prescribing it to the patients! From what I remember, my doctor only told me that it is important not to take the medicines if I was pregnant and I might suffer from occasional headaches, that's all!
Now I'm bitter.
I could go to the dentist asking for a treatment but anyone knows how much it would cost? Can the dentist get rid of this 'permanent' staining of the teeth? It's only due to cosmetic reason, so I really don't want anything artificial inside my mouth (like the veneers).
Upon arriving, he heard a little boy giggling.
Apparently, my boyfriend accidentally abducted his nephew! The nephew was playing hide-and-seek.
So, he had to drive his nephew all the way back and returned to his meeting which he was major late for.
But you can never be mad at an innocent 7-year-old.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
It's the most expensive party ever recorded,
the biggest firework show, beating even the recent Olympic China firework display,
(it was believed that you could see the firework display from the outer space)
the security was mega tight, roads were blocked two kilometres away from the venue.
The hotel even has its own water park and aquarium.
You should google the hotel/ event and see how extravagant it was.
Dubai doesn't look like it's in the Middle East with the A-list guests and their attires flocking the event.
Personally, I think it's such a waste of money.
If I ran my own country, I would be sad to see my people serve these 'outsiders'.
Oh, well, all in the name of publicity.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
There are enough people in this world who use combustion unnecessarily, firing guns and nuclear bombs, lighting up cigarettes even though it's harmful for our health, people who switch on the heaters even though the library is empty and there's nobody in the meeting room, factories and their thick, black smoke coming out from the tall chimneys, Christians lighting up candles in the churches, Buddhists lighting up praying sticks, bomohs lighting up the kemenyan,
SO WHY DO YOU WANT TO FURTHER POLLUTE THE ENVIRONMENT!
Saya geram. I feel obliged to blow off the candles everytime I see one, screaming, "CO2, CO2!"
Did you know the ice is melting up North and down South? Do you even care? Did you know the flora and fauna are becoming extinct because of the thinning of the ozone layer?
Do you not have other alternatives to make your room smell better! Aren't there other methods to be romantic?
One of the reasons that further strengthen my believe in Islam is:
Islam never promote the act of burning unnecessarily.
Islam is environment-friendly!
In fact, I read somewhere, fire arms should not be used in wars (in Islam).
That was 1400 years ago, I don't know whether that could be applied to modern times. Why not? The warriors (globally) were more noble back then. They wouldn't fight you if you didn't have a weapon and they wouldn't ambush you out of nowhere (eg: while you are sleeping), if I am not mistaken. Berperang pun secara beradab. Fair and square.
Okay, I am getting out of topic.
I hate air pollution and wars.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
is the day which my boyfriend's family mourn for the loss of a baby.
This Yin and Yang is making me superstitious.
Is this a sign or something that we couldn't be happy whenever we are together?
Although I don't even know the feeling of getting pregnant, the thought of losing the child I've been carrying in my womb scares me.
I've met people who had this experience. They seemed to be fine about it but in the middle of the conversation, they would drop a tear or two, and apologize for breaking down.
I hate it when they apologize. I hate it when I don't know what to do. Should I hug them? Touch their hands? Say something? No, don't be sorry, I would say, then I would look down, giving them all the time they need. I hate it when I need to excuse myself to the washroom to compose myself.
I hate it when they say I should've been numb about this. I don't want to be numb. It makes me human.
I told my boyfriend, what if the exact thing happened to me? I don't think I could face it. Boleh jadi separuh gila. Plus I would need to undergo an operation to empty my womb from my poor, lifeless baby. That would be traumatising!
Once, I saw a poor Eastern European trying, most probably begging, to sell silly magazines to the locals, the rich Europeans.
The person standing next to me was a man, probably in the mid 30s. He was smoking a cigarette, and together with other people, we waited for the bus.
The Easter European elderly came to us, trying to sell his magazines and we usually avoided eye-contacts to suggest to him that we were not interested.
This guy next to me, shouted at that man, "Oi, go fuck off! This is the third time you came to me! Go away, you...." I refused to listen to the rest of the sentence.
We were shocked and did not dare to further provoke this angry man. Nobody did anything. Some even pretended not to hear.
My bus came and I boarded on the bus.
Even though it wasn't me who was being rude, I couldn't help but feel bad about myself. Perhaps I should've given him a piece of my mind. But then again, why would I say? I was just another foreigner in his country. Or maybe, I was just another citizen who decided to do nothing even though my morale said I should.
That night, I prayed for the elderly man. That was all I could do.
My faith is, God is fair.
Sekarang kan tengah recession. Agak-agak, laki kurang ajar tu jadi beggar tak?
At least, senyumlah. Senyum tu kan sedekah.
walaupun sepanjang pengetahuan saya, belum pernah ada masalah bapa saya berkeinginan untuk berpoligami atau meninggalkan ibu saya,
saya masih tetap takut dengan masa hadapan saya.
Saya mempunyai beberapa kawan yang mempunyai masalah keluarga,
saya juga telah banyak berjumpa blog-blog yang menceritakan derita,
secara tak langsung, saya merasakan anything could happen to anybody, anywhen,
sesungguhnya saya ini seorang yang realistik.
Artikel di atas amat membantu.
Saya seorang yang amat lembut hati,
air mata bertitisan membaca komen-komen yang diberi
sebab saya seorang yang suka meletakkan diri sendiri dalam situasi orang lain
supaya saya dapat mengajar diri untuk tidak cepat mengadili orang lain.
Kemudian, kita bersyukur.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
He has been pouring his relationship problems to me since forever. It has given him sleepless nights. No, there's no third party. The feelings are just not there. He feels that it is unfair for him to keep leading the girl even though he has nothing to give, it's selfish. At the same time, he doesn't want to hurt her because he knows how much she loves him. She's a nice girl, she doesn't deserve to get dumped! Dilemma, dilemma...
Anyway, this friend of mine told me that he is now determined, he has decided to end it all.
Apparently, he has consulted two friends of ours who were both in the same situations before and they are now happy with their new lives. Both are males.
One of the advices is:
Sometimes, you just have to do what's best for you. Sometimes, you don't need to think about other people. You have to find your own happiness. I know it's selfish but masa ni lah nak jadi selfish. Nanti dah lepas kahwin, dah tak boleh nak pilih-pilih teman hidup lagi dah. Sementara ada peluang nak pilih ni, buat sekarang. Nanti kalau salah pilih, menyesal seumur hidup.
My reaction was, "Is that his advice to you! Is he talking about himself? Dari mana dia dapat tu! Mesti girlfriend baru dia yang bagi reasoning macam ni! Just to tell himself out loud that what he did is okay!"
(FYI, both that guy and his new girlfriend dumped their respective couples to be together.)
My friend laughed. At the end of his laugh, he said softly, "Tapi ada betulnya apa yang dia cakap tu..."
But for me, right now, I'd rather sacrifice myself for someone's happiness. It wouldn't be a waste. God will know and He will reward us fairly. Right?
Then, my friend let out a big sigh and suggested, "Jom kita break-up and cari couple baru!"
Me: ...I do have a boyfriend, you know...
Friend: But you have a big crush on L, don't you!
Me: L is just a harmless crush. All girls like L. Besides, L has a girlfriend too!
Friend: Ala...John cakap, 'Sedangkan kapal terbang pun boleh di-hijack!'
Friend: Sedangkan kapal terbang pun boleh di hijack!
Me: Pepatah apa ni!
Friend: Hahahaha. John yang cakap. I will remember that forever.
Our friends and their advices...
Such an amusement.
S/he doesn't give links of the blogs s/he talks about but the hints are quite obvious.
What surprises me is I know every single blog that s/he writes about (there are about 5 or 6 so far). Does this mean I read way too many blogs?
I always thought if the blog didn't have many comments, it means it's not popular. So, when I read these 'unpopular' blogs, I thought I was 'special' to discover them. Because really, some of them are good writers.
But even these 'low-profile' blogs (or so I thought) are being reviewed.
I still don't have any judgement on the blog writers even after s/he reveals embarassing facts about them. Some are just his/ her opinions on the blogs s/he reads.
It's just fun because it's like reading a gossip magazine!
It's fun reading the comments too because they participate in sharing information with each other.
I hope nobody would be affected by her/ his reviews. I still want to read your blogs! Don't privatise or close down your blogs!
Oh, well, welcome to the blogging world.
Me? I just know a few bloggers out there. A couple through this blog, some I just know because they are somebody's friends, somebody's seniors, somebody's parents, somebody's aunts/ uncles, somebody's schoolmates, somebody's colleagues (and the list goes on)...
I used to have an impression on someone before. Then, I discovered her blog and began to follow her blog. It totally changed my opinion on her.
Okay, that's all my gossip for today.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
He said it's rezeki nak kahwin.
I am happy for him.
But I couldn't help but feel he is stealing my nikmat.
Rezeki nak kahwin I bila?
My boyfriend missed the flight to KL because he was stuck in the meeting. (Meeting apa 9.30am to 5pm!) He was supposed to meet my parents. I don't want his work to compromise with my 'nak kahwin' thing! Banyak betul halangan.
Looks like I am not too happy afterall.
I am a bad, bad girlfriend. I should've been more understanding.
Okay, I redha. I am happy for him. In fact, I bersyukur he gets the three projects.
Teringat tentang seseorang sewaktu berusia 21 tahun.
His housemates would wake him up for Subuh prayer.
When he was not feeling like doing it, he would wake up and wash his face, pretending like he had performed the ablution. Then, he would go into his room and continue sleeping.
Why would someone wash his face and continue sleeping, I don't understand.
Might as well sembahyang terus!
That got me smiling for now. Haha.
I've never been this weak. I usually cope well with obstacles.
I don't know why I am not as positive as I used to be.
I am so drained from the insomnia and the irregular sleep and eating patterns, I am so drained from the worries, regrets and tears that have been produced for 7 or more consecutive days.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I worry or why I cry.
I miss my old-self. This is not a very good year for me.
I feel as if I am fake.
Because nobody knows except for you, me and my boyfriend.
For a few months already, I've created an imaginary expressionless white angel who would hug me when I am sad. She has long white hair and she always lean on my body and stroke my hair and back when I lie down crying. She never says anything but I know she wants me to know that everything is going to be alright. She reminds and ensures me that I am still a great person despite the stupid mistakes I made, despite my inadequacy in many areas, I am still great.
I miss my confidence and self-esteem.
I miss getting good results equivalent to the amount of efforts I have put in something.
My boyfriend tells me not to think too much. Some things should be let go because we don't have the power to turn back time. He also accused for not being grateful and having faith in God's plans. Not helping!
All I can believe now is things will get better. But when?
Persistent depressing thoughts like these can be quite a bore to you. I am even bored with myself and my negavity. I can't understand why and how someone could stand with my attitudes. If I were someone else, I woud run away from me. (Okay, here I go again)
I am sick.
Beri saya ubat.
Ubat untuk sakit badan.
Ubat untuk lenguh tangan.
Ubat untuk penat otak.
Ubat untuk tulang belakang.
Ubat amnesia semua kesilapan bodoh.
Ubat berhenti menangis.
Ubat berhenti runsing.
Ubat yakin diri.
My ex-boyfriend was a social drug user. When I was feeling down, I told him I wanted the drugs for recreational use (bring my mind to the happy park). I've heard so much about how they help you feeling euphoric. I desperately wanted something to lift me up high.
You know what? He said he would get them for me.
What kind of a boyfriend is that!
Lucky I ditched him before he screwed me up.