Tuesday, November 4, 2008


My life is currently quite depressing.
I've never been this weak. I usually cope well with obstacles.
I don't know why I am not as positive as I used to be.
I am so drained from the insomnia and the irregular sleep and eating patterns, I am so drained from the worries, regrets and tears that have been produced for 7 or more consecutive days.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I worry or why I cry.
I miss my old-self. This is not a very good year for me.

I feel as if I am fake.

Because nobody knows except for you, me and my boyfriend.

For a few months already, I've created an imaginary expressionless white angel who would hug me when I am sad. She has long white hair and she always lean on my body and stroke my hair and back when I lie down crying. She never says anything but I know she wants me to know that everything is going to be alright. She reminds and ensures me that I am still a great person despite the stupid mistakes I made, despite my inadequacy in many areas, I am still great.

I miss my confidence and self-esteem.
I miss getting good results equivalent to the amount of efforts I have put in something.

My boyfriend tells me not to think too much. Some things should be let go because we don't have the power to turn back time. He also accused for not being grateful and having faith in God's plans. Not helping!

All I can believe now is things will get better. But when?

Persistent depressing thoughts like these can be quite a bore to you. I am even bored with myself and my negavity. I can't understand why and how someone could stand with my attitudes. If I were someone else, I woud run away from me. (Okay, here I go again)

I am sick.

Beri saya ubat.
Ubat gembira.
Ubat untuk sakit badan.
Ubat untuk lenguh tangan.
Ubat untuk penat otak.
Ubat untuk tulang belakang.
Ubat rehat.
Ubat amnesia semua kesilapan bodoh.
Ubat berhenti menangis.
Ubat berhenti runsing.
Ubat yakin diri.
Ubat indah.

My ex-boyfriend was a social drug user. When I was feeling down, I told him I wanted the drugs for recreational use (bring my mind to the happy park). I've heard so much about how they help you feeling euphoric. I desperately wanted something to lift me up high.

You know what? He said he would get them for me.

What kind of a boyfriend is that!
Lucky I ditched him before he screwed me up.


Madam Tai Tai said...

Yup..you are definitely lucky you didn't take that kind of ubat to lift your mood up.

Perhaps you need to go away somewhere for a while. Go on a short holiday - away from the norm. Things will definitely look better when you come back, hopefully refreshed. Till then...take care, ok.

the ectopy said...

I want to take a break but I can't. That's why I am nearly losing my mind right now... :)