Saturday, November 28, 2009



I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I overheard Mother and Father were arguing about me.

My boyfriend called earlier to confirm the date that he will be bringing his family over to my house.

Mother said okay but Father was obviously furious. He was so furious, his voice was so loud, and he said nasty things about Mother, my boyfriend and I.

Somehow, the shouting has stopped.

And here I am, refusing to cry.

Boleh tak I menjerit instead?

Monday, November 16, 2009


Not many know that I secretly want to be housewife.

Simple as that.

I was talking with my boss, he asked me what do I want to do in my life, specifically, in the near future, do I have anything in my mind, do I want to further my studies?

Yes, of course. But I don't know in which area particularly. Definitely not the one I am in right now.

Boss wanted to know the reasons.

Me: I'm thinking of having a family soon. This (the department I am in) is mostly a guy's thing. I cannot do this while I'm pregnant.

Boss: Bullshit. Look at the female bosses you have. Don't you think they want to get married and have family too? If they can do it, so can you. If you get pregnant, we'll assign you to do other things first.

Me: Yes, I know. But I don't want to wait 9 months to learn. That means, I'll be getting my cert later that supposedly. I just hate to be left behind.

He shook his head, "Achievements come first."

"Having a family is an achievement too," I argued.

"Not to me," he said.

Me: It is an achievement to have a good family.

Boss: Well, yeah, it is. But I can always do that later.

Me: You are a guy, it's different. I don't want to give birth for the first time when I'm forty!

After a long pause, I continued, "I actually like this department."

My boss gave me a smile and said, "You're just saying it because you are talking to me."

"No, I am serious. I like it, it's so nice here, it'll be perfect for me without the...You know, like I mentioned before..."

My colleague was working for a good 8 months before she quit her job.

"Why did you quit?"

Her answer: My husband didn't like me working. I wouldn't say he was unsupportive. He just didn't like me leave the house and come back tired.

"So, I resigned," she explained.

"Wow. Your parents didn't say anything?"

Her: Of course, they did! But my husband didn't force me to quit my job. I wanted to do so too. It felt so good, to be able to do nothing. Then, I had my baby and it was fun.

"So, you were a housewife for...?"

Her: Two years. Did you know what I came back? Because of SpongeBob.

I laughed.

She laughed too.

"No, seriously. I loved SpongeBob. One day, my kid and I were watching TV. I was excited to watch SpongeBob. 'Yay, SpongeBob!' and then, it was a re-run. So, I was very disappointed."

"And then, it hit me. How can I be disappointed to watch a SpongeBob re-run! I watched too many SpongeBob episodes, that they were now showing re-runs and I didn't like it. I thought to myself, 'Man, my brain is getting rusty. I couldn't do this anymore. I need to get out of the house'."

Next question asked, "So, you talked to your husband?"

Her: Yes, and he was OK with it. So, here I am. Working...

Her: But it was nice to be a housewife. I mean, it wasn't too bad to sit at home. It's just...For example, I didn't get to dress up for anything. And I used to be pretty upset about it. Like, why do I have to buy nice clothes, I don't even get to wear it.

Her: But now I feel terrible for my daughter. She's always like, "Mommy, are you coming home today?"

Her: And I don't get to live with my husband. It's so tiring to drive up and down, you know. So, we decide that I should stay somewhere nearer to my workplace.

Me: Aww, that's sad. Do you guys get to see each other often?

Her: At least, twice a week. He lives the dogs. I always joke that he spends more time with the bitches than me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

debar debar

Tadi I baca paper The Star. Dekat page belakang-belakang tu, dia cakap, wanita yang berpayudara besar adalah lebih bijak, berdasarkan kajian yang dibuat oleh sebuah univeristy di Chicago. Scientifically katanya, perempuan berbuah dada besar ni lebih banyak merembeskan hormon kewanitaan yang merangsang minda.


I punya boobs kecik gile, tapi I tak bodoh okay! My teteks do not contain my brain...

Last night, I was exchanging SMS with 4 different guys in a span of 30 minutes.

Due to the fact that 3 of the guys are more good looking than my boyfriend (the 4th guy is my boyfriend himself), terus I perasan player sekejap. Haha.

3 eligible bachelors, good looking and professionals, almost perfect. (Sigh)

That's when it hit me when Mother said, "Betulke nak kahwin ni? Kamu asyik keluar dengan lelaki lain."

'Keluar dengan lelaki lain' doesn't mean I am cheating on my boyfriend. First of all, my boyfriend is aware of my activities, second of all, my guy friends are well, my guy friends, nothing more than that, and last but not least, my boyfriend is not an unsecured freak who controls my every move.

Speaking of me 'keluar dengan lelaki lain', it's so funny, the other day, I went out with my colleague/ friend, and my boyfriend refused to put down the phone.

"Bila you nak hang up, ni? You ada benda lagi nak beritahu? Hehe..." I teased him.
"I tak tahulah. I rasa berdebar-debar pulak!"
"Berdebar-debar? Haha!" I laughed.
"Ye lah, sejak nak kahwin ni...Lepas kahwin, tak boleh buat macam ni lagi tau."
"Ye lah, kalau dah kahwin, I berdosa kalau tak ikut cakap you..."


This guy is currently unwillingly seeing two girls at a time. It all started when he went for a vacation and met these two girls and they both have crushes on him (who wouldn't?). So, when one of the girls asked him out, being the Mr. Nice Guy that he is, he couldn't say 'No' despite asking for my opinion (I told him not to give false hope).

"It feels wrong," he told me. "Because I went out with her colleague too, *Minah. I'm sure sooner or later, words will get to them, and they will think I'm such a player."

"Well, you are, if you don't acknowledge them that you are only interested in being friends with them. You should spill, you know, don't keep it a secret, like, 'Hey, *Gayah, I also went out with *Minah the other day, ya know...'"

"And tell them what? 'Oohh...And we had so much fun'?" This guy can be sarcastic sometimes.

"Then, tell them the truth. You are not into them!" was my advice.

"Tak boleh. Nanti diorang cakap, I ni perasan. Sebenarnya nak kawan-kawan je..."

To clarify things, I asked him, "Betulke they suka you?"

"I have the feelings. They keep calling me, asking me out, flirting with me..."

"What do you talk about?"


"Do you call them back?"

"Itulah pasal...I tak pernah call them!" he exclaimed.

Girls...Please lah get the message when a guy is just being nice to you. Being nice to you doesn't mean he reciprocates your feelings.

This friend of mine has everything, except, you guess it right, the lady love.

He's moving on a step higher in his corporation ladder very soon. Perhaps, he thinks this is the best time to pursue the girl he met several years ago.

He asked me to get her number for him.

The problem is, the girl doesn't want us to give out her phone number unless the guy asks for it personally directly from her.

But I think it's so sweet of him, for the fact the girl whom she met years ago still lingers in his mind...She sure made such a big impact in his life.

Wonder when things like this will ever occur to me. Haha. Gatal.

Anyway, he sounds desperate, doesn't he? He can have any girls he wants (believe me, he's like, one of the most popular guys in the corporation because 'He is so perfect'), but he is desperate to have this girl's number.

I told him, "Good luck and all the best. I can only help you this far."

I don't like to play cupid. I suck at it.

The girl that this guy fancies is getting married soon.

He's not too heartbroken. But I'm sure he feels a bit depressed and under pressure seeing many of our friends are already attached.

Ah, I remember how dashing he looked when he took off his helmet and his leather jacket. I remember how every girl was checking him out and every guy was checking his bike out. And I remember how he promised to bring me on his ride one day.

Anyway, there's no exciting news to be told about him here.

We contacted each other just because it's time for a meet-up. Afterall, I've known him the longest (among all four) and he was my closest friend before I met my boyfriend. He became second when my boyfriend knocked on my life. :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Mother and Father have decided on the amount of hantaran my boyfriend should give.

I had to pass the number to him.

Him: Dah agak dah.
Me: Kenapa dah agak dah?
Him: Sebab you comel and pandai and baik hati...
Me: Boleh?
Him: Boleh. Ma saya pun tak cakap apa. Dia okay je.

Mother: So how?
Me: I told him already.
Mother: And?
Me: It's expected.
Mother: Kenapa expected?
Me: Sebab kita bukan orang negeri dia. Tapi mak dia cakap okay.
Mother: Kenapa kena tanya mak dia pula? Dia bukannya minta duit mak dia, kan?

Auntie: Berapa banyak minta? Kita patutnya tanya budget dia dulu.
Mother: RM**k
Auntie: Kalau budget dia lebih, boleh minta lebih. RM**k?
Mother: Banyak sangat tu. Macam jual anak.
Auntie 2: Eh, zaman sekarang, biasalah tu. Sedara kita X tu pun, anak dia punya hantaran dia RM**k.

Me: You know what, if my parents ask for RM**k, you should give them more than that. (Laughs) Mesti parents I macam, Wow, tak minta pun dapat. (Laughs)
Him: Tunggu I banyak duitlah, sayang...

Him: My friends terkejut when I told them the amount.
Me: Really? Why? Selalunya, berapa harga biasa dekat negeri you?
Him: Dalam RM*k to RM**k.
Me: Oh. Tapi biasalah RM**k tu! All my friends pun dapat hantaran RM**k juga!
Him: Ye?
Me: Yup. You rasa mahal ke?

Him: How many hantarans do you want? 7 balas 9, okay?
Me: Okay.
Him: You nak apa?
Me: I nak 1. telekung 2. cincin and hantaran 3. sirih junjung 4. handbag 5. jam 6.......I nak PDA 7.......I nak kunci rumah and kunci kereta. (Laughs)
Him: Pandailah you ni!
Me: You dapat 9 dulang okay!
Him: Tapi you isi dengan buah-buahan kan? Macam I tak tahu...(Laughs)
Me: Fine. Belikan I laptop.
Him: Laptop tak muat atas dulang.
Me: You belilah laptop yang kecil dan comel dan mahal...Mesti muat! (Laughs)

Him: You nak belikan I kasut apa?
Me: It depends on what kind of handbag you will buy me. Lets say...If you buy me a Guess handbag, takkanlah I nak belikan you kasut Gucci kan!

A reminder to myself.
I want a simple, cost effective wedding.
Nothing too fancy and over the top.
I shouldn't lose myself in the midst of preparation. I ni kan seorang yang berjimat.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

girly dilemma

Sometimes, I feel like I want to start writing about my wedding plans.

- I don't want a bridesmaid (because I'd have too many to be included and I don't want them all wearing the same colours. Too radical.)
- I don't want a majlis merenjis (Mother is against it too, she hates being put in the spotlight)
- If I don't want a majlis merenjis, why would I need a dais for?
- I want to make my wedding convenient for all my friends to come. That would mean to host it from day to night. But that means my friends wouldn't gather at a place at a time. No fun.
- I already have a design in my mind for my wedding dress, but it looks best in white, but I prefer it not to be white since I'll be wearing white for the akad nikah.

You know, girly things like that.


- I don't want to get too excited about it just in case...
- I want my ceremony to be unique
- I want my anomosity to remain

Now, that's what I call a girly dilemma.

I don't know when my busy life is going to end. Mother and Father asked for the boyfriend's family to wait.

I don't understand why we need to wait. I mean, it's not like we are going to book a khemah and cater for food or anything like that. It will be a very small event, attended by immediate family members. I know from my side, it would be just me and my family. Nothing big. Just for the sake of adat. Just for the sake to make everything official. Just for sake to tell my parents that I AM SERIOUS AND CONFIDENT ABOUT THIS.

The date proposed by Mother and Father is not feasible for me. My leave will not be approved, even if I explain to my bosses that it's for MY merisik. Besides, my leaves are sacred to me (due to how limited they are) hence I'd prefer to burn them when I really need to.

I forced my boyfriend to bring it forward. My boyfriend agreed and contacted Mother.

Mother: I want to ask you again. Betul nak dekat dia?
Me: Betul.
Mother: Sebab kamu asyik keluar dengan lelaki lain.
Me: Tu kawan kerja la. I memang banyak kawan lelaki, nak buat macam mana.
Mother: Ma tanak kamu salah pilih. Ma tengok muka dia macam takde duit je.
Me: Kalau dia ade duit ke, takde duit ke, muka dia tetap sama.

Okay, that's settled.

Another thing, I don't know what to wear. My boyfriend bought a 4-metre silk textile a while back, but I hate it. I thought I could pull it off, convincing myself that I look pretty in anything I wear. So, I tried the cloth on me last night, it was still ugly. I hate it. So much.

I'd rather be absence from the ceremony than wearing that.

Me: I kena kerja. Mana ada masa.
Him: I nak datang ni bawa family I, you kena ada!
Me: Tapi ni merisik je. Do I have to be there?
Him: Habis tu?
Me: Lagipun I takde baju nak pakai.
Him: Kain yang I beli tu, bila you nak buat?
Me: I tak tahu nak buat design macam mana.
Him: Antara baju kurung atau baju kebaya?
Me: (Actually, even if it's been made into either, it still looks ugly and cheap) Baju tu tak sesuai buat kebaya. And tak cantik buat baju kurung.
Him: Nevermind, I'll ask my tailor design macam mana sesuai.
Me: Your tailor?
Him: Our tailor.
Me: (Still, like I said before, even if it's been made into either, it still looks ugly and cheap)

Can't I just buy and wear something else, something that would compliment and bring the best out of me!

Now, if you think we have a dishonest relationship, you are wrong.

I told him earlier, hours after receiving the gift, that I dislike it.

Of course, he couldn't accept it and the conversation became sour. "I had four girls picking it for you! Do you know how much did I spend for it! You senang-senang je kata you tak suka!"

Well, obviously the four girls had no taste.
And, if I don't like something, shouldn't I just say it? I mean, he is my very own boyfriend, not some bosses I'm trying to impress, thus he shall know exactly how I feel.

I felt guilty soon afterwards, so I apologized and I said, "I'm sorry. It's not too bad, I guess. I like it. I look good in anything, right?"

Deep down, I knew, I look ugly wearing it. Who am I kidding? Korang ingat I ni Nasha Aziz? Heidi Klum? Are you crazy!

i think i still know you and your family so well. too well.

We were so close, like sisters, the four of us. We thought our friendship would last a lifetime. We tried hard to keep it alive. But after school, the four of us went separate ways.

We were young and penniless, staying in contact like we used to was impossible. We met new friends, we embarked new adventures with different people.

One by one is getting married. I attended her wedding. I wanted to be a part of the group, but she has new bestfriends now and a bridesmaid I don't know who.

Nevertheless, I was happy for her. This is her now; the person I loved, the person I still love, because I was in her history and she was in mine. It was her day, her special day.

I was in her house which I hadn't stepped into for a very long time. I saw the familiar faces in her house: her mother, her father and her two brothers.

Her elder brother looked different, somehow. Older but simply not the same anymore. He wasn't like this before. His good looks remain but there was something missing. The sparkle in his eyes. The liveliness in his personality. The warmth of his presence. They are all gone now. I noticed my bestfriend hadn't spoken a word with him too.

I kinda knew what he had gotten himself into. But I shrugged it off. 'This is my bestfriend's brother, I knew him since I was a kid. It couldn't be...How silly of me...' My concious wanted to believe my suspicion was wrong. Just because I've seen so many, it doesn't mean I could tell one when I meet one.

Moments before the ceremony, my bestfriend looked so radiant. She was in her place. The handsome groom was near. Everybody anticipated the glorious event. All eyes were fixed on them. That's when I saw, at the corner of my eyes, a figure slowly manouvered himself out of the crowd, creeping up the stairs.

I was right. A loving brother couldn't possibly miss his sister's wedding, especially during the 'Aku nikahkan dikau...' Unlike her other brother, who was so involved in it.

I stopped questioning what I know. She doesn't have to tell but I know drugs has sucked the humanity out from her brother's soul.

It is such a pity, such a waste, for a smart, educated man, to fall into the dark, deep hole.

We are not as close as before for me to discuss something so personal with you. Even if we were, we were not as young as before, when we truly told each other everything and anything in this world. We are at the age when every word that's coming out from our mouths is being filtered by our brains first, before we said something regretful.
We learned that already. Because we've grown up.

Still, my friend, everything's going to be alright.

That was your day. Congratulations on your marriage. I'm glad you met your husband. I'm sure he was there when things got difficult, when I wasn't there. May you live happily ever after.