Friday, April 8, 2016

I am super sad after receiving the news today: two of my dearest colleagues will be leaving. I am sp affected by the news, because I genuinely want the best for them, and also because I could be one of them.

But, as Ustadz Ebit Lew said, Allah knows best. There's beauty behind every failure, a sunshine after the rain, hikmah di sebalik kejadian. All you have to do is believe and pray correctly, and make it your weapon.

I will be starting work soon. Like this coming Monday soon. Yes, my world is cruel. I can't fight the system, not yet. But please remind me, when I have the power, I will try to change the system.

For now, I will succumb into a temporary depression, and hopefully, my daughter won't be compromised by all this.

(That reminds me that I only have a day's worth of breastmilk for now. I will standby with formula milk. Does that make me a terrible, selfish mother? We, women are always hard on each other. Please take a step back, and evaluate that we each lead different lives, and not all are meant to be ideal like what you believe. Our journeys are different and individualised. May Allah ease my struggles)

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Successfully put my son to sleep, clipped his nails with a torch (still refusing to give his fingers for nailclipping, so I've been cutting his nails while he's asleep, in the dark, with my torch app on my phone, sometimes when he's taking his nap during the day, for almost 3 years already! OMG, such dedication...), my daughter is asleep as well...

Sometimes, I feel like a single mother. Because my husband is away most of the time...But! I've been getting help from the maid and Mother, so, it's really unfair to complaint that much...Well, in reality, they help when I'm at work, but when I'm home, I do most of the chores, except cooking and cleaning.

Since I consider myself as an 'experienced mother', I don't read that much about babies anymore. But I remember, I bought nappy liners during my first pregnancy. From my 'research', babies shit a lot in little amount, so, it is advised to buy nappy liner so that you don't have to change diapers every time.

In the end, I never used the nappy liner because my son could go on days without opening his bowel; completely normal for a fully breastfed child.

My daughter, on the other hand, soils her diapers so often,..By one week old, she already used up about half of the pack, which made me think: Kesiannya dekat orang miskin...
Lepas tu, rasa nak nangis/
Lepas tu terfikir dekat the refugee babies who don't even access to warm/ hot water.
OMG, hatiku masih rapuh...

Anyway...Hello, how am I now?
I am still recuperating.

I had a sort of traumatizing birth story :(

Seriously, days after that, I sometimes cry just thinking of what I had to go through...

It's nobody's fault. It's just that...Giving birth really could kill you, things could go really, really wrong...I didn't prepare my body and mind for that.

Here's the boring version of it:


As you all know, it was past my due date, so I had to be admitted to induce labour...Bla bla bla...At 1230am, I was only 1 cm with thick cervix and no pain. I went to sleep and was woken up with a contraction pain. It wasn't regular, so I went back to sleep. At 2.30 am, was woken up by the nurse for a CTG.

Had another contraction while doing the CTG. Still irregular pain. The nurse said it was only moderate contraction. CTG looked fine.

The nurse told me to prepare and get ready by 6.30 am. "Doctor nak induce pukul 6.30 pagi."

Back to my bed but decided to sit rather that lying down. Started to have painful contractions. It was 3 am. I knew that was it because I started to feel nauseous. I vomit whenever I'm in so much pain- like when I have migraine attacks and like the time I gave birth 2 and half years ago...Quickly took 2 tablets of Panadol, hoping it would help with the pain while asking for an epidural...Chewaaahhh...Berharap nak dapat epidural!

I expected to give birth after 8 am. So, I tahan, tahan, tahan. Husband was sleeping at home because the hospital is only 5 minutes away...And you know how clingy my son is when he's around...

I sat next to the bed, with a plastic bag in my hand, in case I vomit. At around 3.30 am, a nurse checked on me, "Kenapa?"

Nurse: Kenapa pegang plastic?
Me: Rasa nak muntah.
Nurse: Ha? Ada pening kepala ke? Tak ada darah tinggi kan?
Me: Bukan. Contraction. Sakit sangat. Saya memang macam ni. Kalau sakit sangat, saya rasa nak muntah.
Nurse: Saya check jalan, boleh?
Me: Sekarang ke?

In my mind, since the pain only started, there was no point for vaginal examination because I would be disappointed. I waited for about 6 hours before coming to the hospital for my first baby (it was as long as I could tahan), and when they checked me, I was only 2 cm, WTF!

So, I knew nothing would open after only 30 minutes of pain. I felt my baby's head was still high. And the pain was somewhat bearable still.

But, if the nurse checked me now, she would leave me alone in the next few hours...That was when my mind tell me to say, "Yes, you can check me now..."

The nurse's fingers were inside of me.

She said, "Okay...4 cm..." --> Wahhh! Biar betul dah 4 cm!
"Hhhmmm...6 cm..." --> Haaa??? 4 ke 6 cm?
"Relax...Relax...Saya tolong..." --> then, my water broke.
"Prepare trolley! Boleh hantar pergi labour room!" --> What?! Wait, I tak bagitau husband I lagi!
"Dah 8, 9 cam dah ni! Inform labour room!" --> Seriously!
"Awak jangan teran dulu ye..." --> Betul ke ni? Baru 3.50 am! I belum sakit betul-betul lagi...

Anyway, changed trolley, wheeled to labour room, didn't get to grab my phone or call my husband, had people around me...This time, a midwife checked, and she said I was already 10 cm. "Kalau ada rasa sakit, teran ye..."

"Dah boleh teran ke? Betul ke ni?" I finally said out loud.

"Betul ke sakit start pukul 3?" a different nurse asked.

"Betul...Baru je start sakit ni..."

"Cepatnya! Puku 12.30 am baru 1 cm..."

Nurse: Haaa...Ni ada contraction ni boleh teran!
Me: Errr...Tapi tak sakit sangat.
Nurse: (Peeked at CTG) Moderate contraction je ni...

Finally, the pain was gone, for a while.

Midwife: Tak ada sakit ke?
Me: Tak ada. (Finally get to breathe)
Midwife: Lamanya contraction nak datang...
Nurse: Perut pun lembut je...

Then, the contractions came and I pushed twice, and baby was out at 4.38am.


The midiwife mentioned something about 'accelerated labour'.

I didn't even get to be dehydrated.
(I remember feeling very thirsty after I gave birth to my son, I never felt that thirsty in my whole life, I swear!)

My husband still didn't know about me... :(

I malas nak suruh nurse call kan...

When I got back to my bad in the ward, the nurse came and passed my mobile phone to me. "Awak tertinggal tadi..."

At 5.50am, I called my husband. "Abang, I dah bersalin."

But I was still in pain. I remember feeling so relieved after giving birth to my son. But this was different. I was still having tummy pain. My face showed. I was far from being relieved.

Nurse: Kenapa? Ada pening kepala?
Me: Bukan...Perut masih sakit...
Nurse: Oohhh...Sakit macam senggugut ye? Kita boleh bagi Ponstan, tapi kena makan dulu...Suruh husband bawa makanan...


Obviously, I didn't get to celebrate my quick delivery because I suffered from a complication after giving birth :(

Okay, kita sambung lain kali pulak ye...Panjang dah ni...