Tuesday, May 27, 2008

July, hurry up.

"Are you still with him?" asked Mother.
"Yeah," I said firmly.
"Tak pernah cerita pasal dia pun...Senyap je..." Mother noticed.

I wish to tell her about his family's plan to come to see Mother and Father in July. But I have sworn to him to keep it low.
He wants to be the one to break the news to Mother and Father.
He wants to do it properly.
He wants to personally tell them his good intentions to make me his perempuan halal.

"I am still with him," I repeated and smiled, glad at least Mother still remembers him.
"Tak ade orang lain ke?" Mother hoped.
"Tak ada."

I don't think I will ever find someone to replace this man who occupies more than half of my heart.

"You akan tinggalkan I tak?" he asked.
"If I find someone better..."
"Serious? You will leave me if you find someone better?" said he, seeking for reassurance.
"Serious lah...Bodohlah I, kalau there's someone better and I let him go..." I casually answered his question.
"Tak sayang I?" he began to worry.
I didn't say anything and smiled. He was obviously disturbed with what I had told him.
After a few seconds passed by, I said, "Do you think there is someone out there whom I'd think is better than you?"
This put a smile on his face. "No," was his answer.

"Then, I would never leave you because there's noone better than you." In my eyes, at least. Haha.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


You are privileged to know this:

I can't do my work/ sleep when I am dry, literally.
I've noticed this since I was really young but I never told anybody.

When I was a child, I found out the only way to overcome this dryness was by making myself sweat. So, I would wrap myself in the Toto and rub my feet against the material, making sure I do not overdo it or I would get blisters. The heat soothes me. My feet will sweat a little bit and I will be drifted to lala land comfortably.

That's why I love Toto blankets so much. I love the material it is made with. I wish all my bedsheets will be made using that kind of material. I just cannot sleep when the room is cool and dry.

Luckily, all my previous roommates are not big fans of switching on the fan at full blast as well. When I was in college, I never studied in my room because there was no carpet in my room. It was too dry for me. I need something to rub my feet against with or I need fluffy house slippers. I don't know why I developed such a strange habit...

As I started to live by myself, I discovered water facilitates the perspiration of my feet.

The past two weeks have been too dry for my liking, I had to sprinkle water on my bed. Every single night.

Because I don't have Toto.

First, I would sprinkle water on the carpet besides my bed so I could rub my feet there to make them moist.
But sometimes, my feet dry up pretty quickly again, I have no choice but to wet my bed on the area where I rest my feet. I usually use half of a cup of water.

It works everytime. I will be sleeping in no time.

Sometimes, I can't even sleep in an air-conditioned room because it is too dry! When this happens, you won't see any part of my body because I will be covered from head to toe to incubate myself for moist.

The funny thing is, I am not a sweaty person. When I was little, I can't understand why some of my friends had wet clothes after doing sports.
I don't sweat that much and I take pride in that.

However...(Hehe, masih ada however)
It seems like my liang-liang peluh (pores) and my perspiration glands are concentrated in my palms and feet.
But when it is cool and dry, it is too dry for me...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have sweaty palms. When I am nervous or in rush, I notice this everytime I am sitting for an exam, my palms will be sweaty, I literally could make a hand print from my sweat on a piece of paper. Seriously.

My body is so complex. Why can't my feet be moist when I want them too? Like now...I want to sleep!

I decided to let my boyfriend know about this shameful secret. Could you imagine, on my wedding night, I suddenly sprinkle water on my bed and my husband can't sleep because the bed is wet? Plus, my boyfriend is used to sleep with the air-conditioner switched on. On the other hand, I bet my first night as a wife wouldn't be dry, it would be hot, sweaty and wet! Haha.

Anyway, my boyfriend was worried when I told him about this habit. He thought I was feeling dry because someone evil did a hocus pocus on me.

"No...I have been experiencing this since I was small! And you are the first person to know because I want to live with you and you have every right to know everything about me. And I don't want you to be surprised when I do this with you next to me," I told him.

He said, "It's okay. I don't care. I accept you the way you are. What's important is having you by my side."

Hah, like I am gonna fall for that! Sekarang, pijak semut pun tak mati! Sooner or later, he will be annoyed by my habit and we will fight and I will kick him out of the room so I can have my big, wet bed all by myself...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

bantal busuk.

I don't have a bantal busuk. I didn't have one. In fact, as far as I remember, I am not attached to anything that would make me fall asleep peacefully.
When I was young, because most of my friends have bantal busuk and I didn't want to be left out, I made-believe I had a bantal busuk and routinely slept with it.

Previously, I wrote, you cannot wash babies' bantal busuk. Then when is the most appropriate time to get rid of the 'precious'?

When Niece was old enough to talk and understand, Mother wanted to wash her bantal busuk. Mother asked for her permission first. Niece said, Mother was only allowed to wash the pillow case, not the bantal busuk itself. After much coaxing, she finally gave in and Mother successfully washed the bantal busuk.
Niece handled it quite well. She didn't cry because Mother had explained to her what she was about to do.

Niece's bantal busuk received regular treatment in the washing machine after that.

Niece never played with dolls very much but she treated her bantal busuk like one. By then, she got rid of the pillow case. She played with her bantal busuk, talked to it, pretended to feed it, kissed it...When I took her bantal busuk from her and threw it to the wall, she would run after it and nursed her bantal busuk back to health, by rubbing and hugging it.
That was how precious bantal busuk to Niece.

I found it funny because her parents bought expensive toys, but she reverted to her bantal busuk everytime. It was her source of comfort. She couldn't sleep without it.

Now, at the age of 8, Niece is still attached to her bantal busuk. She only needs her bantal busuk to help her sleep at night. Since she is now all grown up, she doesn't care too much about it except when it is time to go to bed. Because she of this I-care-you-no-longer attitude, she always forget when and where was the last time and place she saw her bantal busuk.

Which means, at 10pm, everybody in the house would frantically search for her bantal busuk which seems to get smaller and smaller (because over the years, the kekabu becomes less and less) which means it is getting harder and harder to search for!

I asked her once, "What is so special about your bantal busuk? What makes it help you to sleep? What do you do with it before you sleep?"
She said, "The smell."
I said, "What smell? I couldn't smell anything!"
She insisted there is a soothing smell coming from the bantal busuk.

But when she is taking the afternoon nap, she could do it without the bantal busuk. Magic!

My cousin also had a son who could not sleep without his bantal busuk.
Once, my cousin brought his family balik kampung and the bantal busuk was accidentally left behind in Johor.
Later that night, his son kept screaming and crying.
He took a flight back to Johor just to retrieve his son's bantal busuk.

Such great lengths parents go to pacify their children...

Saturday, May 17, 2008


The first time I heard of the word pheromone, was when I was really young, most probably when I was still in lower secondary. I was watching a documentary on ____ (I can't remember which insect was it) and how they attract the opposite sex to mate. It was mentioned in the documentary, this hormone is produced by humans as well.

What I know and remember are:

1- Pheromone is a hormone.
2- Produced by everybody, even animals.
3- In humans, mostly secreted in the perspiration.
4- It's an odourless odour. (Only some people could detect it. Some smell it without realizing it.)

The scientists believe, the pheromones are the reason why some people are attracted to some people, just like love mechanisms involved in insects. The primitive sense in us, which is the olfactory, constantly finds the smell we would like and once we've found it, we tend to stick to it.

That's why we want to be close to and kiss the ones we love and at the same time, we inhale the odour that we are attracted to without knowing it.

Of course, this is only one of the contributing factors to the long list of 'Why I like you'.

I didn't wear perfumes until last year. I began to wear perfume because someone gave it to me as a present.

Anyway, when my ex-boyfriend A told me, "You smell good," I thought he was just being nice to me.

Ex-boyfriend B told me the same thing, I thought he was lying. It's ridiculous because I didn't wear perfumes. I should be odourless, not smell nice.

My current boyfriend also compliments me on this, now and then. 'That's weird,' I thought.
Eureka! I think it's my pheromones playing with their brains!

Although I could not smell anything spectacular on myself, these men managed to detect it.

The problem is...I don't smell anything when my boyfriend is not wearing his perfume.

Where are your pheromones, honey?
Perhaps, his pheromones are too subtle for me to notice. What I know is, I am completely attracted to him. :)

I am aware of the smell of Mother. Maybe, that's one of the pheromones I am attracted to. I know how Mother's telekung smells like, and I know how my late great grandma's telekung smells like. I wonder if my telekung has any distinct smell of me...
Perhaps, that's why some toddlers take their fathers' old shirts to sleep with when their fathers are away.
That maybe explains bantal busuk as well. Don't wash babies' bantal busuk until they've outgrown the primitive brain or they may become too cranky for you to handle.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

sad case

17 years old.
is too young.
to swallow illegal pills.
which you thought would help.
to keep you awake at nights.
to study for SPM.

22 years old.
is too young.
to be infected with HIV.
because you shared needles.

You knew.
You knew.
But you did it anyway.
you were too addicted.
you did not care.
you thought it happens.
to other people.
but you.


Tuesday, May 6, 2008


Hello, my dear readers.

I am taking a break, maybe one week, maybe two, maybe one month or maybe longer. I thought blogging is therapeutic but it doesn't work for me anymore.

I thought of shutting down this blog, but I might change my mind sooner or later.

In the meantime, I will still visit your blogs from time to time. Thank you for your comments.

I actually have a few more life topics to be published and discussed, all saved in drafts, but none are complete yet. I need to be in the right mood to write my honest opinions.

I will miss blogging. Why am I getting all emotional, right now, I have blurry vision because of the tears pooling in my eyes. I didn't know I was attached to this blog!

Maybe these tears are actually a result of stress. I don't know. Right now, maybe, all I need is to meditate.

Oh, one last thing, whatever perception you've gained by reading my blog, I want you to know that I am more than that. This is just my gateaway. :) :) :)

With love,

Friday, May 2, 2008


Ahh...That is why I must refrain myself from talking about the men in my life.

Because people might think I want to boast my beauty but the fact is I am just average-looking. Boleh bilang dengan jari berapa peminat I ada dalam hidup ni, serious, tak tipu, kisah benar, nak kena bagi bukti ke?

Sebab tu bila ada orang minat I, I jadi jakun and excited nak cerita dekat sini, sometimes lah.


I am sorry I am not qualified to be Fatimah.

5 stories in one blog post.

I was tagged by Dahlia/ dazzledalie to do this:

5 perkara pertama yang terjadi dalam hidup.
(I don't think all of my firsts would be as interesting as hers because I am not funny lah okay...)

1) First man who was under my spell.

Haha, ayat macam bagus.

He bought me a anklet because all his sisters have anklets and he wanted me to be a part of his family.

We were in the car.

He asked for my foot and as he was putting it on me, he said, "This anklet is a symbol of my ego. With you, my ego is at the level of your feet".

Told this to a male friend. My friend said, although the ayat very power, but he was stupid. My friend condemned him for sacrificing his ego for a girl.

After my friend made me realize how this guy really loved me, I was very flattered lah of course. I was happy and felt special. But I am not a fan of anklets so I took it off.

My friend then planned to buy a pair of earrings for his girl. He jokingly said to me that he wanted to modify the phrase, "With you, my ego is at the level of your ears".


2) My first period.

Was when I was 14. Typical story, I felt wet at school, went back from school, saw my panties were stained brown, I thought, 'What the hell? Hmm...Is this my menstruation blood? But blood is supposed to be bloody red, not brown! Did I accidentally poop without realizing? Takkanlah I tak perasan I berak, I tak pernah terberak! Never! That cannot be it! No, this is neither faeces nor period, this must be a kind of weird vaginal discharge'.
So, I changed into a new pair of fresh panties and did my usual thing and again, brown stains on my underwears. Sah, confirm, memang ini period!

I remember feeling like this: Ala, dah period? Damn, lepas ni kena sembahyang, kalau tak, dosa kena tanggung sendiriiii... (I used to be very proud and happy that I hadn't gotten my period yet because I didn't have to feel guilty for missing a prayer. Haha. Tapi after that, masih tak sembahyang jugak. Sembahyang Maghrib je...)

Luckily I had free pads which I received at school when the sanitary pad companies decided to promote their products and teach us how to use the pads. So, yay, it was first time but I was already an expert on how to wear one, I didn't need to consult my mother!

I don't remember how I told Mother exactly, but it was very awkward. I waited for the next day (after my supplies had finished). I was fidgeting, yelah, I malu-malu, I didn't know how to drop the bomb I dah baligh, but I think Mother saw my dirty panties (manalah I tahu I kena basuh panties sendiri) and she somehow knew what I was going to say.

I remember how Mother announced it to my family though. It was the month of Ramadhan. I was menstruating, but I woke up anyway for sahur, (masa dulu I sangat patuh, dalam kelas Agama cakap, orang tak boleh puasa tetap kena menahan diri dari makan dan minum, and I was still ashamed to talk about period with my family, so I pretended to fast). But Mother was like, "Ectopy uzur!". There went my secret. The next day, I didn't bother to wake up for sahur and I ate during the day. Iman goyah.

3) First gift from a boy who fancied me.

We were seven. He was my next-door neighbour. He wrapped it in a piece of paper, all crumpled up and wrote my name on it. He dropped it into my mailbox. I used to get excited when the postman came so I can collect the letters and give them to Mother. I saw my gift. I unwrapped it and it was a yellow whistle.

I kept it until years later, Niece was born and being the brat that she was, she selongkar my room while I was away, habis my harta khazanah sudah hilang entah ke mana!

Anyway, I didn't like him back but I forced myself to like him because he was the only boy who fancied me. But he didn't say anything after that.

A few years later, his cousin used to stay over at his house during school holidays and we became close, I ended up liking his cousin instead. He was cuter than my neighbour himself. Nothing happened though.

He is still my neighbour, I see his cousin once in a blue moon when he came for a visit, but we no longer talk to each other.

4) First memory of someone kissing me.

My family members are not very expressive, especially in terms of physical affection.

Father was going on a course overseas. He was going to leave us for 6 months.

We were at the Subang International Airport, he hugged and kissed me. It felt weird because I was a kid, and as a six-year-old, I have no previous memories of Father kissing me.

I didn't cry. In fact, when my parents went to perform Hajj when I was eight, I didn't cry either. Siap takmau pergi airport sebab taknak ponteng sekolah. But I was forced to skip a day. (When I was in Standard Two, I only skipped two days: the day my parents went for Hajj and the day I dapat beguk, or was it chicken pox?)

My sister cried. In the car on the way home, I remember my aunts and uncles were talking about me, "Apasal Ectopy tak menangis? Tak menangis langsung budak ni..!"

I was tough. (Tapi sekarang tidak lagi, sikit sikit nak nangis...Boohoo...)

But I remember thinking, "Buat apa nak nangis! Dah tak sedih...Kenapa nak sedih?" (Moral of the story: Don't treat an eight-year-old like a kid kid, he/ she will think you are an idiot)

Anyway, after that earliest memory of Father kissing me (I am sure he kissed me before, I just don't remember okay, and it is getting less and less and over the years), Father kissed me again and again, only on special occasions.

5) First time naik motor. Not. Almost. Twice.

I was on a date. We met at Hartamas. I drove a car, he came with his motorbike. He knew I have always wanted a ride on a motorbike. I didn't expect him to ask me, but he said, "Ala, lupa bawa helmet lagi satu. Kalau tak, I could bring you for a short ride". Damn.

Tapi dalam hati lega, because I know his brother cabut tempat pemegang passenger (I don't know what it's called). His brother was taking advantage on the girls whom he brought for a ride, so they would hang onto his waist instead of hanging onto the steels on the sides of the passenger's seat.

Before you think I fancy Mat Rempits, sorry okay...First, he was not a Mat Rempit, second, during that time, Hartamas was free from Mat Rempit so if he was one, macam mana boleh sesat pulak dekat Hartamas, third, Mat Rempit tak pakai motor mahal, fourth, Mat Rempit tak cute. Hehe.

The second time I almost rode a motorcycle was when I was with my boyfriend. My boyfriend has a motorcycle license but he doesn't have a motorcycle, so, he was supposed to borrow/ rent a motorcycle so he could take me for a ride. (Cita-cita I kan nak naik motor...)

But, we both forgot about it and we had to leave his hometown on that day...So...Sampai hari ni, cita-cita nak naik motor masih belum tercapai. Maybe next time, when I visit my boyfriend's hometown. I'll make sure not to forget.

Actually, I have a few photos of myself naik motor dalam bakul when I was a toddler (with Father. He used to have one). No memory of it. That's why I kena naik jugak motor before I mati!

I need to tag others. Five if I am not mistaken.

Okay, I tag penyangak, Hjh Esah Jolie, Diana sexy, miss sha, irondanwine (if any of them reads my blog).

Thursday, May 1, 2008


It's like deja-vu.

My boyfriend is at his mother's house. I called his number. One ring, two rings, three rings, 'That's weird,' I thought, he usually doesn't keep me waiting, four rings, and finally, by the fifth ring, I heard his voice at the end of the line.

"Sayang!" he greeted me.
"Hellooooo...You tengah buat apa?" I asked.
"I urut Ma tadi. Sampai rumah je, Ma suruh urut dia, dia sakit pinggang," he said.
"Oh, okay! You pergilah sambung urut Ma you, I'll call you back later," I didn't want to interrupt his quality time with his mother.
"It's okay. She has already fallen asleep masa I urut dia tadi...I urut guna tuku!"
"Eh, I tak tau pun you pandai urut. You tak pernah urut I pun!" and to think I am the one who always massages his neck while he is driving, that's pretty unfair!
"Nantilah I urut you...I mana boleh urut you, nanti I geram, lain pula jadinya. Hahaha." ---> ayat lelaki gatal.
"You cakap you urut guna apa? Guna tukul?"
My boyfriend laughed. "You ni, cuba you fikir, mana ada orang urut guna tukul! Guna tuku lah!"
"Tuku tu macam mana?" I pretended not to know. Sometimes, my boyfriend likes to be Mr. Know-It-All, so I let him.
"Tuku tu batu. I kena panaskan batu tu atas dapur, lepas tu I urutlah. Nanti lepas you bersalin, I bolehlah urut you pakai tuku."
Then, he continued to say, "Eh, sayang, tunggu kejap eh. I nak nyalakan ubat nyamuk untuk Ma. Dia tidur depan TV, nyamuk banyak."

And because of that second last sentence, I feel grateful to have somebody like him to love me. Terharu tau!

Tips for men: Be nice to your mothers. Mesti your girls cair punya...It shows the gentle side of you.

Why did I say this is like deja-vu? Because someone asked me why I hadn't written about my boyfriend for a long time, and suddenly, he did something worth documenting in this blog. *All smiles*