Friday, July 27, 2012

I won't be coming to my hometown in the first week of raya. Maybe in the third or fourth week instead.

Mother, with her mother's instinct, sent me a text asking about how am I doing, what's for iftar and subsequently, asked me about my raya plans.

I told her the sad news. Then I asked her about my other siblings, whom all should be nearer to her than me. She said she didn't know about their plans yet.

She also told me about my cousin who recently got married and is already pregnant. I guess her family is really fertile. Her sisters, one is older than me by one year, one is 3 months older than me, were also pregnant very early into the marriages.

When Father was still alive, he used to say, despite the wealth and rezeki we were blessed with, "Tapi kita ni miskin anak," he said.

I guess, what he said is kinda true. So far, since after his passing, Mother still only has three grandchildren. When there was only one, we had to wait for 9 years for another to come by. Now that all of her chidlren are independent and married, none of us shows any signs for more babies. Yet.


My husbsand I rarely quarrel. If we got into a big fight, it would be once in the blue moon. I love this relationship and I love my husband so much.

I think he is the main reason behind the low quantity of bickering. I respect his high tolerance level towards my erratic, irrational behaviours.

When he explodes, he would tell me about what I've been doing and how he's been patient with me. That would make me realize that I am far from being the perfect wife and I would cry.

He would leave me for no more than two hours and he would embrace me back into his arms, telling me how sorry he is, even though everybody in this world knows he is not to be blamed.

Such a sweetheart.

I am so lucky to have a husband who
- sends things I forget to bring to work
- carries my heavy bag to work, even though I am perfectly fine and healthy and so not pregnant
- brings back the bag from work to home because I refuse to carry it, it's so heavy!
- brings me the food of my choice like a delivery guy
- lets me stay friends with my friends
- consistently mops and sweeps the floor and washes the dishes

He's such a gem and I'm such a spoilt princess. Haha.

He comes by to my workplace so often, even the cleaning ladies recognize him!


As you know, I am preparing for a trip, which is different from the normal vacation that I would usually have.

So, I've been filling up forms, for insurance etc.

At first, it feels kinda weird because my next-of-kin is no longer Father.

It feels weirder because if it was not Father, I would usually nominate Mother as my next-of-kin, but now, it's my husband.

I now belong to my husband.

If Father was still alive, I think I would still comfortably name him as the first person to contact if anything happens to me.



I have a new staff, I need to train him a lot.

He is also playful. On the other hand, I am trying to be the fierce boss. So that my staffs would be scared to approach me and make my life carefree because I would be having less people asking me about petty issues.

Like, "Benda macam ni pun nak tanya saya ke?!"

I've been establishing the reputation as the fierce but sweet, fierce but still approachable, fierce but still teaches you and has good intentions kinda boss, which I so enjoy.
As expected, I have less people calling me and they would rather call my colleagues if there was a slight problem. In the end, my other colleagues always need to stay back late after the office hours!

But this new staff that I need to train, he's somewhat different because he is not scared of me!

He bravely answers me back. When I am annoyed, he'd say something like, "Jangan marah-marah, bulan puasa ni tak baik marah. Ke, awak tak puasa hari ni? Hahaha..."

I can still tolerate him because at least, he is eager to learn. Whenever there's something that needed to be done, which is new to him, he would volunteer to do it despite not knowing a thing. I take that as a good thing.

Yesterday, we were attending a client. He selambe badak je pergi cakap dekat our client, "Pakcik, kitorang ni semua baik-baik. Kecuali boss saya ni. Dia selalu marah-marah saya."

Pakcik: Oh, ye ke...? Nikah dah ke?
Staff: Nikah dah...Ada dua anak dah...Hahaha...
Me: ......
Pakcik: Oh, dua dua ni nikah dah? (Pointing at both of us) Baguslah. Comel dia ni...
Me: Pakcik! Saya dah nikah, tapi bukan dengan dia!

Then I left the scene leaving my other colleague to supervise them. Gila awkward and uncomfortable...

Anyway, that Pakcik was quite funny. He's quite fluent in English, so I was curious.

Me: Pakcik, dulu Pakcik kerja apa?
Pakcik: Pakcik dulu tangkap orang jahat.
Me: Ohh...(Thinking he was a policeman)
Pakcik: Pakcik dulu umur 12 tahun dah kena mengajar.
Me: Ohh...(Patutlah pakcik pandai speaking, cikgu rupanya...)
Staff: Pakcik ni cikgu ke, kerja polis?
Pakcik: Pakcik tangkap orang jahat. Pakcik tangkap komunis!

Haha! Comel gila pakcik tu. Then he said we are a friendly lot. I guess, no other people tried to make conversation with him before this.

Friday, July 20, 2012


I got number 2.

One of my first responses were, "WTF. Why can't I ever win a lucky draw instead?"

So, automatically, we are going to the next level.

Malas nak layan.


I think I've added another person to my hate list. My lady boss.

OMG. Today, she purposely humiliated me AGAIN. The irony thing is, she did that after she gave a short speech, "Saya ingin memohon maaf sebelum bulan puasa ni...Kalau ada terasa hati ke...Bukan saja salah sebelum ini, tapi juga salah selepas ini..."

She's such a fake kan!

I forgave her once or twice before. I seriously don't understand why she likes to target on me! Like, I have tried all my best to avoid her. She really has no reason to do that. What is your fucking problem, woman?!

After that, I called my husband, I was just this close to break down. I hate working here. I hate living here. I want to move away far from here. I'll show her one day. I'll show everyone one day.

I read this week's Postsecret. There's one secret telling about how he imagined murdering all his wife's ex-boyfriends. I thought that was sick. How could you wish death upon a person?

I came home, thinking about what happened this morning, and I imagined killing her. I imagined her die. That's when I realize how much I hate my lady boss.

Yes, I possess the sick thought of killing the person I really hate. Then, I thought again, I did have those imaginations before. When I hated other people before this. It's just that, I haven't hated anybody in a really long time that I forgot.

I hate her. I am going to leave this place. Then, I'll become famous and let her know. I won't ever talk to her, or even acknowledge her. I will have this grudge until the day I die. And I don't think I will ever forgive her. Let God asks me, and I will tell Him how I am really hurt by her.

Semoga Tuhan membalas dengan nikmat pada diri saya.

At this instance, I wish I am back at a shooting range and release hundreds of gunshots! I remember how good I felt afterward. Did you know I am an accurate shooter? Once, there were bottles tied to strings, and I was able to shoot the strings, multiple times, consecutively, even strangers clapped for me.

I wish I could blow up her head.

You must be thinking I am so sick. But that's the truth.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I received a text from a dear friend.

She's not somebody that I regularly talk to. We used to work together until I left my previous workplace.

Anyway, out of the blue, she said she was pregnant, and she lost the baby at 14 weeks of pregnancy. That was 2 weeks ago, and currently she is resting at her mother's house and is forced to eat healthy food.

We got married within a few weeks apart, so she probably felt that she needed to tell me about it.

This is her 3rd unsuccessful pregnancy.

It got me thinking.

Although, as much as I want to get pregnant, it probably worse for me if I lost my baby, three times consecutively!

Before I replied my friend text, I thought hard about what I wanted to say. At least she knew she could get pregnant (unlike me), but of course, I didn't say that.

Finally, I told her that I am lost for words (for real) and I wish I could be there to hug her instead.
A few days after that, I dreamed about my late Father.
I woke up, feeling unlucky. I must be extremely unlucky if I was not being able to conceive and raise children of my own. As you know, your children are supposed to pray for you after your death. But who are going to pray for me after I die?

Don't worry, I am all okay now. It was just something that went through my mind.

I can't get pregnant now anyway. In a few months, I'll be on a vacation which is not suitable for pregnant ladies! A lot of rigorous activities involved.  All booked and confirmed!

Besides, I am not unlucky. I have a great husband.

Just this morning, we woke up, and my husband said, "You ni cantiklah...Orang cakap, kalau nak tengok perempuan tu cantik ke tak, kena tengok masa pagi masa dia baru bangun tidur. You ni, pagi-pagi bangun tidur pun cantik. Cantiknye..."

Awesome kan! That was the first time he said something like that to me.

Actually, a call to my mobile phone woke us up. I was required to do an emergency standby at work, which is quite irritating. Hari-hari pun kena pergi kerja. Benci tau. Finally, it was sorted out.
Anyway, some of the funny things over the last few weeks...

- My boss walked out on us. Like, suddenly, she got up and mumbled something and she left the room. The meeting had to be cancelled because she was in a very foul mood.

Colleague: Kenapa dia bad mood tiba-tiba ni?
Me: Entah. Nak menopause kot...
Colleague: Eh, bukan dah menopause lama dah ke...?


- My client did something extremely foolish because his fiance threatened to leave him for her ex-boyfriend.

Me: Cantik sangat ke tunang dia tu, sampai jadi bodoh begitu sekali?
Colleague: Eleh...Lebih kurang muka macam dia je...

Suffice to say, my client is not a handsome man. Haha!

Me: Hey, kalau tak cantik, kenapa banyak pulak lelaki nak? Tak ada orang nak dekat I pun...
Colleague: Orang macam kita ni terlalu cantik. Sampai lelaki pun takut nak approach. Ye lah, sebab cantik sangat...Betul tak?
Ayat nak sedapkan hati...Haha!

- We were watching TV, saw an advertisement on Acuvue Contact Lenses. The girl involved in the ad is someone who likes to take photos. The message was, she needed a good pair of contact lenses so she can focus more on her photography. Her name is Wan Lee.

Someone: Eh, dia ni orang Kelantan ke apa?
Me: Apahal pulak?
Someone: Tu, nama dia Wan Lee tu. Keturunan mana dia ni...
Me: Itu nama orang Cina lah!

Some people can be so naive kan...*Shakes head*

- As you know, I had an ongoing project which I ended up doing all by myself. The project is for a competition, which if we won, we would be going national/ international...A lot of work lah, I don't wish to win! I just nak participate je, boleh? Itu pun sebab terpaksa...

During the pre-convention, my project received a few compliments. One of the panels said I was convincing.

Because I did not plan to win, during the convention day itself,

I purposely presented in a monotone voice
I avoided all contacts and pretended to have low-self esteem
My slides were very plain and just adequate as per required. Nothing extra at all.
Purposely put a mistake in the conclusion. Haha.

Eh, but one of the judges still thought it's a good presentation.

As I am writing this, there are are other groups who are presenting. (I was group number 4) Good luck to them. I hope they win.

I seriously do not want to win. Please God!

Okay, this is the first time ever in my life that I wish not to win something and buat keja ala kadar for something so big and serious.

They will announce the winner in the afternoon!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Last week, I was busy completing my projects, with supposedly 4 people in the team. I did probably 95% of the work, the other two disappeared, the other one was there mostly for moral support. I can't blame her, she didn't know what to do although she really wanted to contribute.

The staff and I were in a room, printing out what was necessary.

Staff: Miss*, Miss dah berapa lama kerja sebagai Jawatan X?
Me: Saya dah kerja X tahun.
Staff: Miss dulu kerja mana?
Me: Saya dulu kerja dekat Tempat X.
Staff: Miss dulu study dekat mana?
Me: Saya study dekat Universiti X.

Staff: Oohh...Patutlah...
Me: Patutlah apa?
Staff: Patutlah Miss nampak confident je...
Me: Confident macam mana? Confident masa present project ni? (A few days before, someone commented that I was confident when speaking)
Staff: Confident lah. Cara Miss buat kerja pun lain. Saya puji, baguslah...

I remember this conversation because she indicated that I am 'confident' and competent in my work because I graduated from a particular university, although it is not necessarily a good one.

I beg to differ. To me, it all depends on the attitude. I don't care where you graduated from, but I admit, I always have a first impression. But my impressions can be easily changed once I know how they function.

That's why, since the first day I stepped into the profession world, I always avoid from telling people where I graduated from and I reciprocate by avoiding asking them where they graduated from.

Sometimes, I fear that I may not be up to their expectations. I've seen it before, how a junior of mine was ridiculed because she is supposedly from a good university, but she is somewhat dumb and slow.

Also, I personally know a few people from my so-called good university (and others), but they are actually such an embarassment to my alma mater.

Anyway...Yes, I initially intended to write further on this: Where you studied don't really matter, as long as you know what you are doing and you do it good.

However, I've been on the Internet for the past few days, doing a research for my career development.

My perception has been overturned. :(

In my profession, it does matter, it STILL matters, even after YEARS of leaving the campus life! And it's frustrating to find out about this. I am one of the lucky ones. At least I have the options to go internationally.

Lets face it, the world is becoming more and more competitive. To survive, you need to have a good foundation.

I hope Malaysia will do more to make our certificates to be recognised internationally. Kesian lah I tengok orang ambil exam banyak-banyak, in the end tak ada kerja. If the papers are recognized internationally, at least we can cari makan in other places.

It's so confusing. If I sit for that UK paper, I won't be able to work in Malaysia. I can work in UK, but that requires bla bla bla. If I sit for this Malaysian paper, there are thousands of people competing for it, Malaysia does not cater enough. Even if I pass this paper, doesn't necessarily means I can get whatever job I want so easily in Malaysia, because dah ramai orang dah!
Why can't they make it all the same. If you are qualified, you can go anywhere!

Macam mana nak hidup!

Thank God I have my certificate. And you used to tell me, eh, it is JUST a piece of paper, people will look pass it once you start working.


Sudah-sudah jadi surirumah berjaya. Tapi husband tak kaya lah...Tsk.

Kena study benda lain lah zaman sekarang ni. Benda yang betul-betul in demand in the next 5-10 years. What's that?

Monday, July 2, 2012

Although I've been living my whole life, (duh) I am still confused on how my mind works.

I think I am quite independent and tough. You can throw me anywehere anytime and I'll survive. I can be outspoken and rebellious. At that same time, I have a weak heart. I can cry just like that, on the spot, if I receive bad news of people completely UNRELATED to me!

Example: Yesterday, I was driving with Mother. Mother told me about the three Arab siblings who were killed in a tragic accident in Langkawi. My eyes immediately swelled up with tears. You know why? Because I have a wild imagination. So, I started to picture the siblings, all happy having a beach vacation, then I pictured their parents who received the news over the phone. Then, I started to feel them. (Why I nak sebok sebok feeling them I pun tak tahu lah). So, I felt how it would be like to lose ALL your children at one go (even though I am not a mother yet).

Tabahlah wahai ibu! Be grateful that Allah choose you for this huge test of Iman, He wouldn't if you can't handle it.

Tuh lah, imaginasi terlebih, menghayati pulak tu.

Banyak kali dah jadi macam ni...I pun tak paham. Apatah lagi my husband. Haha, kesian dia dapat isteri emosi tak stabil.

I am meeting my two good friends today. Haven't talked to them face to face in ages!

Thought it would be just the three of us, suddenly, Drew* wants to bring his girlfriend along. Alamak. Not that I have anything against it, but I thought this is OUR time. Luke is still single, so that's not a problem. I am married but you don't see me bringing my husband, correct? (Okay, so my husband is physically unable to attend this meet-up, but even if he could, I still wouldn't bring him with me, give some space lah!)

How can you have a normal conversation when you bring you plus one! Nanti tak habis-habis nudge nudge under the table, or sembahyang cepat cepat then quickly update each other secretly but when your plus one arrives, we smile and change topic.


Drew is proposing to his girlfriend. Yeay! Not today, of course, wouldn't be so romantic lah!

I contributed, giving him ideas and stuff, I actually think if I were a guy, I'd be a damn good boyfriend! I didn't get the romantic proposal. Mine was very direct, like, my husband knew he wanted to marry me, after two weeks into the relationship, he ajak I bertunang, nothing grandious, I said no, we ended up NOT getting engaged at all, but got married 5 years later. See, langsung tak eventful.

Without a slight of shame, I volunteered myself to be involved in the process. Kasik can lah...Now, we are just waiting for Drew to gather all his guts to settle down. I warn him not to do it unless he is really, really, REALLY sure. Don't get married just because lah okay, that's wrong and unfair for both of you.

Me: Dah bagitau your parents?
Drew: Told my mother. She said, OK, she wants me to tell my father. You know lah, my father and I, we are not really on talking terms. Don't know how...

Hubungan ayah dengan anak memang kadang-kadang complicated.

I hope my husband will have a loving, drama-free relationship with our future children. Amiin.

(Sometimes, I find my posts can be pretty funny. Start dengan benda lain, ending dengan benda lain. Lantaklah...You still get my drifts, right?)