My son bit my nipple in his sleep and it made me cry.
It hurt physically, but it also opened to all the emotions I had bottled up inside of me.
I am no superwoman. For me, it is so difficult to be
- a mother
- a pregnant woman
- a part time student
- a working mom
all at the same time.
And I'm not even doing my duty as a wife since my husband is away most of the time.
What's worse is when you fail in every aspect...
I am a bad mother because my son still doesn't have a regular bedtime at 2 years old plus. I want him to sleep at 10, but he needs his milk before bed, and he only drinks his bottle when he's in Mother's lap- very specific...I can't force Mother to follow my schedule because it is her house and she already helps so much to take care of my son. So, my son and I would usually wait for Mother to come up to the room to serve milk for my son. By then, it is already past his bedtime, and he becomes high and super active! Mother would blame me for not being able to put my son to sleep, and what shall I reply to that?
There's also my 7-year-old niece who would ask my son to play with her before sleep. They sleep together because I'm teaching my son to sleep in a separate room before the baby arrives. Even though my son is already comfortable to sleep without me, but he still needs me to fall asleep, and I waste so much time waiting for him to be tired. An average of 2 hours every single day. I can't imagine how it would be when I have two kids to put to bed.
Sure, I have the maid. Although she wants to be helpful, but she's pretty useless. She cleans the house, yes, but other than that, my son refuses her, especially when I'm around. My maid gets more rest for me, oftentimes she told Mother that she's bored because there's nothing to do. She's not great with the kids, she has kids herself but she just doesn't know how to act silly with the kids. Mother said, no wonder she's able to leave her own kids behind in Indonesia...
I am trying to toilet train my son, but Mother thinks he's too young for it. In my mind, I don't want to train him with the baby later! For the past 2 days, he had only went to the toilet to pee once. Once. He had more accudents than successful attempts. I think it has not been so great because I am the only one who watches him like a hawk. He peed when I was praying, when I was eating, basically when there was nobody to watch him. And tomorrow, the training should be put on a halt because hello, I am working tomorrow...
Let's talk about being pregnant. I needed to the sugar test but it was awful. Blood was withdrawn, I drank 3/4 of the cup, then I gagged and threw up all of it. I have no other choice but to repeat the awful sugar test again!
I am also nauseated every time I take that stupid Obimin pill. I've stopped for 2 days, but then, whenever I feel tired, I am scared it's because of low blood, because the last I checked, my blood was 11.4, but I also feel like crap if I take the Obimin.
With all the things going on, I also have an upcoming exam. The truth is, how can I study when my time is so occupied. Miraculously, I did pass the paper, and for the next one, please let me pass, oh God! I have been depressed for so many times, wanting to quit oh so frequently, but I am still here, calling myself a student. Every day, I feel guilty for not studying, feel inferior because I know less...
I do have seniors and bosses who have made it. They even have twins plus 1kid and become the top scorer of the class. Perhaps, they are geniuses. One of my bosses said I should spend at least 2 hours every day to study. WTF! I don't have 2 hours and I don't even cook or clean. My 2 hours are spent on the road. Another 2 hours spent just to get my son to fall asleep. FML.
What depresses me more is when I know a lot of people my age who are already done and over with it because they stayed overseas. In my heart, I know staying abroad is not a good choice, I may get lost, y'know, I am so prone to that...But in my head, I keep comparing myself to them, because I am a natural competitor, even though I am so tired to compete already...And it's not like I stand a chance of winning...
Now, what a failure I am.
So, tonight, I cried because I feel like a failure. I can't do anything right...
At least I have a great husband and a great life lah, okay...Tu je to compensate my sadness. Hehehe...
6 hours ago