Monday, January 26, 2009


I saw a TV programme just now. It was about a professional sky diver who met a misfortune while sky-diving one day. His head hit the chest of another person who was also free-falling at that time and he broke his neck which made him paralyse while floating in the air!

Even though he was paralysed, he was still concious, so he was aware that he was falling but he could not move a muscle to activate his parachute. How scary is that?

At 500 metres, I think, his emergency parachute was automatically activated but there was no way he could manouvre himself for safe landing, and so he crashed on the ground.

I think that is the most awful experince. In a split second, you are trapped in your own body, so helpless and just waiting to die. I'd rather passed out than having to witness the terrifying fate.

He survived but he is now paralysed from the waist down.

He could either regret to have ever sky-dived, or glad that at least he had the time of his life doing extreme sports before his current condition hits him.

A friend of mine saw another friend of ours, Lia*, made out with a guy, Mat*, who is engaged to another girl.

The best thing for us is to not get involved and ignore and pretend like nothing happened.

Jahat. Kami tak suka!

The fiance will be devastated if she knew. Ignorance is bliss.


To tell you the truth, my boyfriend is not a very good looking man.

I'd say, he is so-so in terms of looks. And that's being generous of me. Honestly, he could easily fall under the category of under-average looking kind of guy.

I have no problems with his looks but some of my friends occasionally make fun of him. For example, when we were talking about a friend whose boyfriend is a good-looking guy and many women try to snatch him away from her, one of them said to me, "You don't need to worry, tak ada orang nak mengorat your boyfriend kot..." then the bunch of us giggled, including me! What else can I do?

However, I'm glad I am able to see beyond his physicals. After a careful observation, I realize how much I love his smiling eyes and his nose, which I wish our children would inherit. I'm glad I could appreciate the qualities in him. I am also glad that even though I am madly in love with my boyfriend, I am not blinded and I don't deny the reality. I always feel like tearing my skin off if I saw a couple who feel like they are the cutest, syok sendiri dan tak sedar diri. Hei, geli-lah!

I bet if he had the looks, he'd be perfect! If I could love him when he is ugly, imagine how much would my love be if he was good-looking! Haha!

The problem with me is, I don't have the talent to express my feelings as freely as I want (hence the existance of this blog). Sometimes, when I feel so loved and happy, I would only smile and hope my boyfriend and the people around me could read my thoughts; the thoughts I so want to say out loud but somehow they are stucked in my throat.

I am better at producing nasty comments, like, "You ni, kenapa you tak hensem macam adik you?..." I plan to end the sentence with: 'Tapi if I was given the option between you and somebody else, I'd still pick you' but I find it too difficult to say, most of the time I am embarassed even before vocalising the words. He never had the chance to hear the rest of my thoughts and I often feel guilty so, I simply say, "Sorry, janganlah terasa...I main-main je lah tadi...Of course, I love you..." but it would have been better if I could say what I wanted to say in the first place.

I am so not a sweet talker. Macam mana nak practice to improve my skills? He must be really, really happy to hear something really nice from me every once in a while. Kasihan pula my boyfriend...

Anyway, my boyfriend decided to get me a Charriol. Sigh. Sure I am happy, but that beats the purpose of me advising him to buy something less expensive. Confirm my boyfriend ni jenis tak faham bahasa or he simply refuses to listen! Kena nyanyi lagu Listen by Beyonce ni, haha!

I haven't seen the gift yet because he's outstation, so I browsed the website wondering which design he chose for me.

Me: I tengok website Charriol, tak ada pun charm bracelet. You tak belikan I charm bracelet eh? Kan I cakap, I nak charm bracelet.
Him: Betullah I beli bracelet...
Me: Bracelet dengan charm bracelet tu lain tau. You tau tak charm bracelet tu apa? You tahu rupa dia?

I didn't make a huge fuss about it. He's kind enough to buy me a gift. But seriously, Charriol tak jual charm bracelet-lah, I dah survey website dia. Well, I might be wrong...Wait and see-lah...

Me: (Annoyed) Kenapa you beli Charriol? Alang-alang beli Charriol, baik beli Chopard terus...
Him: (Laughs) Kalau nak Chopard, kena kahwin dulu!

(Marriage is a whole different story, I roll my eyes.)

P/S: Chopard's Happy Diamonds ring collections are to die for! Definitely my dream wedding ring...Simple, yet elegant. Even though the stones are only one, two or three, they still make me happy! Memang dalam mimpi je lah.

Monday, January 19, 2009

charm me.

After persistent brain-washing, haha, I managed to make my boyfriend tell me what the actual surprise was and I convinced him that I'd rather have:

A charm bracelet.

It's perfect because
- it's less expensive than the original to-be gift
- he can select the charms to represent my personality and to represent 'us'
- you can start from one charm and add a few others as the time passes by, which means, you won't be spending a huge amount at once
- you can replace the charms with new ones if you think they no longer suit your personality
- since it's not that expensive, I won't be pressurized to buy something that would match that gift. Hehe, I am selfish, I know...

Since my charm bracelet will cost him less that his budget, I asked him to donate the rest of it and he agreed. That makes me extra, extra happy! :D

Tapi dia ni tak tahu pulak charm bracelet tu apa...Sigh...I asked him to Google it! Takkan tu pun nak tunjuk, independent lah sikit...

Even though this is not going to be a surprise gift, but I can't wait to see the charms he will personally add to my bracelet.

I did not explain to him how the charm bracelet works. I hope he realizes NOT to add just any charms to the bracelet to make it more meaningful to me and to us, so this should be interesting...Hehe...

And I hope it wouldn't be too crowded too.

I hope to get at least two of these charms:
- my initial
- his initial
- a heart-shaped charm (to signify his love to me, haha)
- anything that symbolizes the work I do (which makes me who I am), but I think this is quite difficult to find

If I get something that I don't like, I wouldn't hesitate to replace the charms, I don't care.

Excited pulak nak tunggu! Yeay!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

tak ada hati, tak ada perut

Peace, Propaganda and the Promised Land. (1 hour)


"Mercy Malaysia appeals to generous Malaysians to send it cash donations. Contributions will support Mercy Malaysia to procure emergency surgical kits, medicines and hospital equipments to help the hospitals in Gaza.

- Cheque is to be made payable to “MERCY MALAYSIA” and addressed to Mercy Malaysia, Level 2, Podium Block, City Point, Kompleks Dayabumi, Jalan Sultan Hishamuddin, 50050 Kuala Lumpur.

- Cash donations can be made via on-line transmission or deposit at CIMB Bank Account No: 1424-000-6561053.

- Donation form can be downloaded from here.

- Further enquiries are to be directed to +603-22733999 or "


My boyfriend has been hinting for me to expect something special from him. I think I know what it is (because I am naturally good at guessing game) and I think it's something expensive. But I don't think I'd appreciate it.

I told him over and over again that I do not want that thing he thinks every woman wants because I am just not that sort of lady.

Previously, he had bought me a few expensive gifts but in the end, they are all tucked safely in my room. I'd rather have something more practical than glamour. I am not comfortable wearing expensive things because they make me overly concious about myself whenever I wear them.

But even after those numerous reminders, warnings and proves (that I just don't wear them), he still thinks I am just being polite and humble! I told him I'd give him my own list for the perfect gift so he could just pick one, but he rejected the suggestion because that wouldn't be a surprise. Hmm...True...But...

How do I make him take me seriously? Nak ketuk kepala, tak boleh, he is away right now.

Lelaki ni, kalau kita bagi hint, he cannot get it, bila orang cakap direct, dia tak paham juga.

Or perhaps, I just have to start teaching myself to make use of the things given to me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I am not supposed to be online at this time but a friend required my cyber presence so here I am and still here.

He is the only person that could share my sentiment about not being happy at the thing that we do. We are in the same field but geographically apart. Sure, my boyfriend listens, but I don't think he quite understands the depth of my problem because I often become annoyed by his replies.

I am giving myself another good few months to think this over, whether this will be a wise decision. I don't want to be one of those people who are miserable with their professions, it eats them slowly from the inside.

I questioned myself, if I were meant to be this, ain't I supposed to be good in it? Ain't I supposed to enjoy it, feel happy doing it?

I cried just now thinking there's something wrong with me. This is the path that I have chosen for myself but why do I feel like this? It's crazy, I thought I had a serious pathological problem in my brain.

The wild thought disappeared after I took some time to be on my own, spending 200 bucks on two pairs of jeans and I did have a good chat with my friend. Now I know I am not the only one feeling like a loser.

The most difficult thing now is: Keeping myself interested.

I need an inspiration.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


Please help. I know I don't usually blog about the current affairs, but the injustice that's happening in Gaza is far too great to be ignored.

"They forgot how they had suffered in the last century, and it justified what they are doing right now. FREE GAZA."

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

You can do something, make a difference!


"Mercy Malaysia appeals to generous Malaysians to send it cash donations. Contributions will support Mercy Malaysia to procure emergency surgical kits, medicines and hospital equipments to help the hospitals in Gaza.

- Cheque is to be made payable to “MERCY MALAYSIA” and addressed to Mercy Malaysia, Level 2, Podium Block, City Point, Kompleks Dayabumi, Jalan Sultan Hishamuddin, 50050 Kuala Lumpur.

- Cash donations can be made via on-line transmission or deposit at CIMB Bank Account No: 1424-000-6561053.

- Donation form can be downloaded from here.

- Further enquiries are to be directed to +603-22733999 or "

In addition, please don't forget to extend your everyday prayers to the innocent victims and the people who are risking their lives to help them.

For further understanding:

Again, please help.

Sunday, January 4, 2009


I had the weirdest dream last night.

I was an astronout with 4 other people. We were floating in the outer space but the radio was broken so we could not get home. We thought we are going to die.

We thought about dying, will people know we died here in the outer space? Will somebody rescue us? How many oxygen left for us? How painful would it be?

I had my hope high, I said there is still a way, there is always a way. The headquarter would detect us missing and conduct a rescue mission for us, I said.

No, that would take days, and by the time they'd be up here, we would be dead by then, one of us said.

Suddenly, one of us started to send goodbye messages to his family via his mobile phone.

I suggested that he should send a message to the headquarter instead, telling them that we could not contact them because the radio is broken, come fix it fast.

Should we worry them? One of us questioned. We were going to die anyway, we shouldn't let them worry, there is no way they could rescue us in time.

I said, no, we should tell somebody, I am hopeful, we are are hopeful. Tell them to give us instructions on how to fix the radio.

'We don't have the tools.'

So, I opened the spaceship door and quickly grabbed whatever that were floating in the darkness (must do it quick to conserve the oxygen in the spaceship) and guess what, I managed to get four Swiss Army blades! Haha.

'There you go, our tools.'

One of us tried to call his children and I scolded him for wasting his call credit, 'We need to use whatever we have to survive'.

I can't remember what happened next, but I remember arguing and debating whether we should just die and not let the people we love to be burdened by us. The rescue mission would be a hassle and dangerous as well and we might not even survive it.

A woman in the group said, very softly, almost whispering, with eyes so empty yet so full with regret, "No, I don't want to die. I have my children. I have sins and I'm not ready to die yet. I still have many things to do in my life. I want to improve my ibadah before I die".

After she said it, we all agreed we wanted to survive this, no matter what it takes, because we didn't want to die sinful.

That surely lifted our spirits to live.

I woke up, thankful, that my subconcious still tells me, even in my dream, that I should improve my ibadah before I die.


Nobody talks like this in real life, but we do in text messages.

Kenapa perasaan sayang ni best?
Sebab perasaan sayang ni anugerah Tuhan untuk manusia. Nikmat untuk kita saling mencintai.
Kalau perasaan sayang merupakan anugerah Tuhan untuk manusia, you adalah anugerah Tuhan untuk I.
Of course, you are mine and I am yours.
No, we are His. Kadang-kadang, I takut kalau Tuhan pinjamkan kasih sayang awak untuk saya sekejap saja.
Sebab tu kita kena sentiasa berdoa, minta pada Tuhan moga-moga kasih sayang kita kekal abadi.

If I were a third person reading the text messages, I would puke. Haha. Too jiwang berkarat! Corny macam filem cinta yang annoying! Terlalu Melayu klasik!

*Laughs at self.*

Friday, January 2, 2009

Cheers to 2009

The end of 2008 was a bit rocky between my boyfriend and I.

And here I am, thankful for having him to love me, almost unconditionally.

Knowing about friends who are getting hitched even though their relationships are younger than ours might hurt me a bit, but little did I know that it hurts my boyfriend even more when he finds out that I am hurt because he thought he was unable to provide me with happiness although he loves me so much.

It makes him a failure, he said, to love me but he cannot give me what I really want. It saddens him, he said, to see me sad because of the things he cannot give to me, not yet, at least. Last night, he told me that he feels exactly what I feel, he just doesn't express his sadness to me, because the difference between me and him is the gender.

I told him that it is not his fault. Sometimes, I am just sad and I permit him to neglect me all he wants and I will be alright in time, like usual. "How could I ignore you when I know you are not happy?"

We always have good times together.

How many guys in this world who would still like and love you in the ugliest form?

My boyfriend genuinely likes me even though I am in my pyjamas (which is far from sexy, by the way) and my hair is uncombed, I haven't showered or brushed my teeth yet, all I have to do is sit on the sofa with crossed legs, not smiling, but he would still think I am the prettiest girl he ever met in his life. Even if I lay my recent photos and ask him to pick his favourite, he would always choose the one which carries the most 'me-being-comfortably-at-home' aura, he gets even excited if he sees I-am-opening-my-mouth-widely-as-I-about-to-eat pose.

I could order anything I like and eat however I like, I could suck on my ketam masak lemak and let the gravy dirty my Malay hands, eat a slice of cake and show him my chocolate stained teeth, I could chew loudly, have food dangling at the side of my mouth and say, "Yummm..." and "Sedapnyeeee" intermittently because I think the food is delicious. My boyfriend would adore me every time and he would let me know me know how he enjoys looking at the way I eat my food which increases his appetite to taste my adventurous choice of food even if it means it would give him terrible allergy reactions.

For the above, I feel special. I feel myself and not somebody else.

How I wish my parents could see how I see him. How I wish my parents knew that he is one of the rare fews who could tolerate with my unexpected mood swings and temper. How I wish my parents adored his patience, his manners and his knowledge like I do.

Our 2009 resolutions are to be better Muslims, to lead a happy life together and to be successful. That's all. I can't believe we want the same things in life.

Came to think about it, since I started this relationship, I began to believe in lots of things.