Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Pada pendapat saya, SPM itu sangat penting. Walaupun keputusan SPM dapat diabaikan, tetapi SPM itu menyediakan kita untuk menjadi dewasa dan menghadapi zaman universiti. Sewaktu SPM, kita belajar bahawa kadang-kadang, walaupun kita belajar bersungguh-sungguh, kita masih boleh breakdown, things could still not go our way, it's called life.
SPM mengajar kita erti ketakutan menghadapi masa depan. SPM mengajar kita erti you have to face the consequences if you didn't try hard enough.
How could you tell these children SPM is not important? They don't need to know about that fact until after they sit for the exam! I will never tell my children not to study for their SPM, you moron. (Harap-harap, tidak ada orang merasa pedas dengan random fact nombor 9)
Apabila mereka bersedih dengan keputusan tidak seberapa, sewaktu itu barulah diberi kebenaran untuk memberitahu mereka, "Dear, this is not the end. Don't let this SPM results stop you from achieving your dreams."
Ramai juga anak-anak yang belajar bersungguh-sungguh untuk SPM, have you ever thought how these children feel when you tell them their results meant nothing?
Tolong jangan beri ajaran yang bukan-bukan padahal anda baru je fikir anda telah cukup pengalaman hidup.
10) Orang rasa saya kuat, tapi kadang-kadang, saya sebenarnya lemah. Orang rasa saya bijak, tapi sebenarnya saya tidak sebijak yang mereka sangka. Orang selalu fikir saya seorang yang cantik dengan nama, suara dan gaya percakapan saya sebelum bersemuka dengan saya.
Saya lebih suka jika orang underestimate saya rather than I underdeliver from what is expected.
Ini merupakan salah satu keburukan bersikap yakin diri sehingga orang lain think overly about you.
Saya lebih suka jika saya tidak tahu tentang apa yang orang yang fikir tentang saya. Ignorance is bliss. Sekarang, sejak saya mendapat tahu tentang hal-hal yang disebutkan tadi, saya menjadi lebih conscious dan ini menjadikan saya kurang confident.
11) Teman lelaki saya cakap dia jatuh cinta pandang pertama terhadap saya. Saya tidak percaya. Saya percaya dia jatuh suka pandang pertama, tapi jatuh cinta selepas beberapa bulan mengenali saya. Dia menangkis kenyataan saya dan re-phrase what he said, dia jatuh suka pandang pertama terhadap saya, jatuh cinta 30 minit selepas itu dan made a resolution to himself that he will make me his wife two weeks after that.
(Kami go steady about two months after we know each other's name tapi saya masih belum dijadikan isteri walaupun dah bertahun kami bersama.)
Saya masih tak percaya dengan love at first sight. Ada orang boleh jatuh cinta sedangkan dia belum kenal saya sepenuhnya waktu itu? Macam tak mungkin...
12) Saya tak faham bagaimana sesetengah orang dewasa sangat suka membaca buku-buku chick-lit terutama buku Shopaholic or whatever it is called. Movie chick-flick, okay lagi...Tapi buku chick-lit...Sungguh allergic.
Saya pernah cuba sekali, saya sungguh tidak suka dan marah kerana saya telah menghabiskan masa saya dengan buku picisan tersebut. Terlalu marah kerana such an insult to my brain...
13) Apakah yang benar-benar saya mahukan? Contentment, happiness.
Apakah yang dapat membuat saya content dan happy? Tidak tahu.
Tapi jika saya diberikan pilihan dan peluang untuk menjadi apa saja yang saya mahukan, apakah yang akan saya pilih?
Saya memilih untuk meninggalkan bidang saya dan mengasaskan sebuah charity shop.
Sesiapa saja boleh menderma barang di kedai saya dan barang-barang itu akan dijual dengan harga thrifty dan semua keuntungan akan didermakan.
Kenapa? Sebab some people have too much good stuff tapi akhirnya barang-barang itu akan dibuang.
14) Saya juga bercita-cita untuk mengasaskan sebuah pusat recycling yang proaktif. Ini bermakna, saya mahu berkempen, make a difference, menyediakan lori-lori untuk kemudahan orang ramai supaya mereka turut serta untuk recycle barang-barang harian for a cleaner, better Earth.
Saya sangat sayangkan bumi kita.
Bila agaknya saya akan mendapat keberanian ini?
15) Saya selalu tertanya-tanya bagaimanakah perempuan perempuan zaman dahulukala menghadapi haid? Pakai apa? Guna apa? Bagaimanakah perempuan perempuan yang tinggal di negera sejuk menyucikan diri apabila datang bulan? Tidak sejukkah? Air panas hanya available untuk orang-orang kaya, bagaimana pula perempuan perempuan miskin?
Saya sedang period.
16) Saya suka makanan berkuah.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tag ini bertajuk 16 Perkara Rawak:
Syarat dan peraturan:
Apabila telah terpilih dengan malangnya, silalah menulis 16 perkara paling rawak sama ada tentang fakta, perangai tak senonoh ataupun hala tuju hidup anda.
Silalah hasut 16 orang lain untuk melakukan perkara ini.
Sila tanda manusia yang telah menanda anda di peringkat awal.
Ketahuilah, jika anda terpilih ia adalah kerana anda juga manusia biasa yang perlukan perhatian dan kasih sayang yang secukupnya ketika bayi.
Di tag oleh tidak lain dan tidak bukan: crookedlittlemind.blogspot.com
1) Sedar atau tidak, dalam filem Twilight, walau bandar yang kecil dipenghuni oleh lebih kurang 2000 orang, namun tetap ada orang berbangsa Cina. Bukan seorang, tapi lebih dari itu! Ini mengukuhkan lagi teori orang Cina berada di mana-mana, even fictionally.
2) Saya seorang yang agak tertib dengan penggunaan tatabahasa yang melibatkan perkataan 'Ia'. Secara rasminya, berdasarkan cikgu Bahasa Melayu silibus PMR dahulu, 'Ia' hanya digunakan untuk kata ganti nama bagi orang, bukan benda atau/dan haiwan. Jadi, perkataan 'Ia' dalam ayat di atas, "Ketahuilah, jika anda terpilih ia adalah kerana ........" adalah salah sama sekali. Salah satu contoh ayat yang betul ialah "Ketahuilah, jika anda terpilih, itu adalah kerana...." Perkataan 'itu' boleh juga digantikan dengan perkataan 'ini'.
3) Sudah beberapa kali saya gagal on paper. Saya kenal seseorang yang sepanjang hidupnya sehingga A-Level, beliau sentiasa mendapat straight As (beliau mengambil 4 killer subjects untuk A-Level), he did not even fail his ujian lesen memandu dan menunggang motosikal! Hakikatnya, agak ramai orang yang saya kenal yang tidak pernah mendapat B sebelum peringkat A-Level, tapi dalam kes sekarang, seseorang itu sangat rapat dengan saya dan saya kagum dengan beliau sebab (a) beliau lelaki, (b) tidak nerd malah agak good looking, (c) Melayu dan bukan a direct mix breed, (d) subjek yang diambil bukan subjek easy peasy, (e) tidak pernah ke kelas tuisyen
Selepas masuk universiti, beliau tidak pernah sekalipun gagal dan tetap top scorer dan kadang-kadang saya agak jealous with respect dengan kejayaan beliau (sampai sekarang, tapi kadang-kadang saja).
Bagi menenangkan perasaan sendiri, saya fikir, "Tidak ada orang di dunia ini yang tidak pernah gagal." Lalu saya pun fikir, bidang apakah yang bakal beliau gagal? Bagaimanakah beliau akan menghadapi kegagalan itu sebab beliau tidak pernah gagal sebelum ini?
Mungkin, gagal on paper lebih baik daripada gagal dalam perkahwinan, kan?
4) Ya, saya seorang kawan yang kurang baik. Ada patut saya fikir bila tiba masanya untuk kawan gagal! Seolah menunggu saja. Tapi deep down, saya sayangkan beliau sebab beliau seorang lelaki yang baik dan fun to be with. Kalau dia gagal pun, I will always be there for him.
5) Saya mempunyai pergelangan tangan yang kecil sebab rangka saya kecil. Walaupun kamu lebih ringan dari saya, tapi jika dibandingkan pergelangan tangan kita, saya punya tentu lebih kecil (selepas ditarik-tarik daging di sekitar pergelangan tangan untuk melihat saiz tulang pergelangan tangan).
Juga, ini punca kenapa saya kelihatan lebih tembam dari BMI sebenar. Jika anda letak saya di sebelah orang yang mempunyai ketinggian dan berat yang sama dengan saya, saya akan tetap nampak lebih tembam dari orang itu sebab rangka saya kecil.
(Jangan keliru dengan orang yang nampak besar berbanding BMI sebenar mereka sebab mereka berangka besar. Kata kunci di sini adalah 'tembam' dan 'besar', dua perkataan yang mempunyai maksud yang berbeza)
6) Tapi malangnya, saya agak buncit. Perlu buat sit-up. Tapi sit-up itu meletihkan dan belum tentu saya akan membuat sit-up secara tertib dan efektif sebab sit-up memerlukan teknik yang benar-benar betul untuk mendapatkan keputusan yang terbaik! Saya tidak mahu merisikokan tulang belakang saya!
Jadi, saya tidak buat sit-up dan terus buncit.
Mother cakap saya buncit sebab suka minum air in between apabila sedang makan dan saya suka minum air sejuk pada waktu pagi lalu mengembangkan perut saya.
Saya argue cakap, "Orang putih tu minum juice oren sejuk setiap pagi, elok je..."
7) Saya memang degil dengar nasihat orang. Saya degil dalam banyak hal. Akibatnya, tengok, saya buncit. Bagi melegakan perasaan sendiri, saya rasa kebuncitan saya merupakan ala-ala 'muffin top' (sila google image jika tidak faham) yang sebenarnya sangat comel pada pandangan sesetengah lelaki, asalkan jangan terlalu melimpah.
Hakikatnya, 'muffin top' bukan lemak berlebihan di perut bahagian depan sahaja! Itu 'buncit' namanya...
8) Saya masih mengalami masalah jerawat walaupun telah dewasa tapi menariknya, it doesn't bother me that much.
Saya sungguh pelik sewaktu usia saya 17 tahun, seorang rakan saya telah mandapatkan rawatan doktor untuk masalah kulitnya. Saya tanya, "What's wrong with your skin?" Jawapan kawan saya, "You tak nampakke jerawat I dekat dahi and pipi ni? Banyak! My mom pun risau sungguh!"
Saya pun mengecilkan mata saya dan tenung betul-betul bintik-bintik pada muka beliau yang sebenarnya sungguh microscopic size!
Kalau kulit mukanya dikategorikan sebagai masalah jerawat yang serius sehingga perlukan preskripsi dari doktor, habis tu, kulit muka saya ni kategori apa pula! Kategori kawah dekat bulan?
Saya juga agak berasa agak bertuah sebab I don't depend on my looks that much. Walaupun berjerawat, saya tetap bersosial gembira.
Sewaktu umur saya 19 tahun, saya mempunyai seorang kawan yang secara tiba-tiba, jerawat tumbuh di muka menyebabkan mukanya kemerah-merahan dan tidak selicin dulu. But to me, not too severe lah, I've had worse.
Anyway, perkara ini telah membunuh self-esteem kawan saya sehingga beliau mendapatkan rawatan beribu ribu ringgit (considered as a large amount at that time), siap ibunya memberi warning kepada si perawat, "I mahu muka anak I clear within one month!"
Panjang pula fakta rawak nombor 8 ni. Kesimpulannya, saya sungguh kasihankan orang-orang yang terlalu mementingkan kecantikan kulit muka sehinggakan jatuh self-esteem padahal masyarakat would NOT even notice those tiny pimples. Chill lah! Orang lain yang betul-betul mengalami masalah kulit lebih menderita dari kamu.
Nombor 9 dan seterusnya akan disambung lain kali.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Nobody in my family could be considered as a 'tokoh' (or so I thought), so I asked Mother for her help. She suggested for me to write about an uncle of mine (who no longer is because he and my aunt are divorced now) who seemed to be the most successful among all.
So, I wrote about him. On the day I submitted my project, I noticed that many of my fellow friends had written about their fathers instead. Without anyone noticing, I felt embarassed by my shallow thinking.
-You see, most of my friends are anak somebody or cucu somebody, that's why I thought I must write about 'somebody'-
The teacher must have thought I have no respect towards Father. Sigh. I am still embarassed.
Anyway, for future references (I wish I was there at the event collecting information myself):
I'm imagining how my kids will come to me for help for their History projects and I would take The Jamak Family and Taib Andak--In a Class 0f His Own from my mini library: Dear, read this. Don't disturb Mommy.
P/S: My boyfriend is intimidated by this. Tsk. Like I know those people! I'm sure those prominent figures won't come to my wedding because my nuclear family is a bit anti-social. Don't worry lah...
P/S2: Eiii...I hope this post won't sound berlagak about my ancestors. I am Anon-phobic and Piahzadoralagi-phobic. I am simply proud. If my intention was to berlagak, I would have told my friends about it and you would have known who I was in the first place. Fear me, fear me, you commoners! (The previous sentence is a sarcasm, in case some of you didn't get it.)
P/S3: Okay, this is kinda creepy since this is the first time I have narrowed down who I really am. To make myself feel better, I am one of the 2000 living descendants of this guy, Jamak, half of them are men, so I am one of 1000, half of them are the elderly and the children, so I am one in 500, half of them attended the gathering, so I am one in 250. Gulp.
Actually, my calculations are incorrect since some of the subsets do intersect with each other. Okay, now I feel better! I think I am one in 750, yeay!
I think I suffer from a mild type of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and I fall under the category of being a hoarder. My room is full of junk. I collect unnecessary things like tickets and silly souvenirs and 'just-because' gifts I got from friends, basically, I collect anything I think holds a sentimental value.
I see myself in the future owning a special room where I could display my collections, in frames, scrapbooks and on shelves, accordingly, and I'd be able to recall the history of each and every item. Kinda like Ripley's Believe It Or Not vault, except mine is the museum about myself. Haha.
I've begun this habit since I was very small. That's why I am always touched when someone give something, anything, to me. I still remember the first birthday gift I presented to my then bestfriend. We were nine years old and she held a party at her house. I gave her a mechanical pencil, using my own almost-non-existant savings, because Mother said if she bought the present, it would have meant that it was from Mother, not me. Did you know I only get 30 cents per day, 5 days a week, back then? And I was stress-free!
(Now you know who nurtured my spending habit and why everything is valuable to me!)
The first gift I received was given by my neighbour who had a crush on me when I was six or seven. He gave me a yellow whistle and left it with a letter in my postbox. I still had the whistle until a little someone invaded my room and ransacked my stuff. So many things I collected since childhood and so many things had gone missing because of that someone.
The worst part is Mother supports that what I collect are junk. She is just itchy to throw everything into the bin!
Not owning a house means I've been putting my personal project on hold for a very long time. Excuses, excuses.
The thing about being alive is, you rarely think about having to die tomorrow. All you could visualize is growing old, content and you have achieved what you dream for. That's why I collect these junks. I want to tell my grandchildren about the life I've had, the people I've encountered, the places I've been, occupying myself by reminiscing the time of my life!
I'm so scared if I suffer from Alzheimer. It's not just losing my memories that frightens me, but losing your personality too, losing the things that makes you you. I've met one elderly who was admitted to the hospital because his memory has gone from bad to worse, he was sinking into a drinking problem which didn't really help the overall situation and he was becoming more violent. One thing that soothed my heart is when he insisted to see his wife every single morning despite his memory loss.
I want to become that person who makes a big impact in someone's else in a positive way. I want to become significant that it's just so hard to erase me from your life.
(Selingan: Lagu untuk emo/ berangan)
I told my boyfriend that we need a break from each other. He blames his work.
I said, "Okay, don't contact me until you've settled your problems and I'll contact you when I'm ready to make peace with you."
I am not going to make peace until he understands that all I need is a fresh start. Back to the basic. Come flirt with me again, be the sweet, wonderful person I fell in love with.
Is it so difficult to get the hint that I need to lay this out for you? If I told him directly what I want, it would destroy the whole element of joy! Worse if I told but he still didn't get it!
But what does he do? He keep giving me promises. Promises I know he will eventually break.
Geram dengan orang lembab. Lembab like this laptop of mine that I feel maybe I should purposely break it into pieces.
Now, tell me, in our relationship, who is the hoarder, me or him?
You are junk and maybe I should dump you.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Currently, I am so confused. I thought this is what I want, but I am not good in it, hence making me very unhappy. I doubt my decision and thinking of doing something else.
I know my boyfriend and my family won't give me their supports if I decided to drop everything and start back at square one. They'll ask me to hang in there, don't do stupid things, don't risk what you have.
I want to be somebody who is able to do anything she wants in her life. I want to be somebody who is content and happy.
Anyway, my love life is twisted in its own kinda way.
Father secretly made plans to visit my boyfriend's hometown to check out his background but he had to postpone it due to some circumstances. I never knew he would go that far to find out about the simple truth!
My boyfriend and I, we rarely see each other. We don't talk everyday and we don't exchange text messages everyday. Sometimes, even I myself am confused about our relationship. It seems so different from other normal couples.
The only thing that makes us similar to others is: We are losing the sparks. He is not like the person I met 2 and half years back. I hate politics. I wish he was a regular guy doing a regular job, living a regular life and we are a regular couple.
On the hand, I am a regular person and as mentioned above, I hate for not being able to achieve my greatest potential. I want to be extraordinary. Sigh. Conflicting.
Un/like other people, I have the tendency to become rebellious when things don't go my way. They say we forget God when everything's good and only search for One when the unfortunate falls on us. I always think about how generous the Almighty is when things are going good for me and vice versa. Sometimes, I feel like life is so unfair, all I can think of is how my prayers are useless and generate nothing.
I regret for thinking such terrible thoughts. I am okay now.
I hope I won't fall apart.
Perhaps I am stuck in a time capsule. The last time I remember for being so happy and confident was during my college days. And that was not even close to the fun I had during my school years.
Whenever we quarrel, my boyfriend reminds me to remember our happy times together. I see it differently. I don't want to hold onto the past. This is now. Why can't we create our happy moments now?
Perhaps it's me. Perhaps it's time to grow apart. Perhaps it's time for something/one new.
Or is it?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I've been living in this house for three years and it is still not my home. It is difficult for me to fill up my refridgerator with groceries and I never feel like my wardrobe is complete.
Because I live alone, I am constantly thinking what if I could not finish the food by myself. What if I need to go outstation and all the food will be left to rot in the fridge.
When shopping, I resist to buy some things because I have those securely kept in my parents' house. I always stand before my wardrobe, thinking how I wish I was home so I could put on the clothes/ shoes/ handbags which I left at my parents' house to match with what I have in the cupboard.
Since I still don't consider this as my home, I don't bother to decorate the space and the kitchen utensils are minimal.
My poems, photo albums, my collection of books, my memories, there are all in my home, not in this house.
I may not have the chance to live with my parents after this. So I desperately need to find my own home. Somewhere where I could call my room my sanctuary. Somewhere where everything is within my home so I wouldn't have to go out just because I feel like eating chocolates or because I have the cereals but not the milk or my nasi ayam tastes weird because I did not saute the garlics because I don't keep enough stock in my house. Somewhere where I could have a wardrobe big enough for all my clothes so I could organize them neatly according to baju tidur, baju lepak, baju evening function, baju sporty, baju formal/ kerja, baju kurung...
Most importantly, somewhere big enough for my 6 children (ehem, ehem) and I don't ever have to move out from that house because I simply hate moving and I suck at adjusting myself to feel like home all over again.
There are two factors which are preventing me from living in my dream home. First, of course, financially, I still could not afford at least a semi-D with a large compound. Secondly, the decision must be discussed with my future husband and currently, we still have our differences in terms of location and the number of children I should give birth to (haha!).
Monday, December 1, 2008
First, she told me it was okay.
"Let's just put it this way. If you asked me whether I want to go back to my childhood, I would refuse it. I don't want to go through it all again," she continued to say.
She told me, "I was very pretty. And shy. I used to cover my face with my long hair."
She was raped when she was 17.
She didn't tell anybody up until three years ago because she was ashamed of herself.
After the conversation, I sat on a chair. I stared at nothing and I felt empty inside.
Suddenly, I felt like a giant wave of sadness swept over my head.
I got up and went to the place where I knew I could be alone.
I sat on the stairs and I cried.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
About once a month, he would send me an SMS which I never really replied. I didn't want to give him false hope. I haven't chatted with him for months until last night. He asked whether I had broken up with my boyfriend and I told him we are still happy together.
He said if I agreed, he would see my parents as soon as possible.
I asked him why I should choose him and why he likes me. His answers were not impressive at all!
"I just like you," he said. "You don't even know me," I said.
"How many men in this world could be with someone like you...I'd be lucky," he said.
"I am nothing special. I am not rare," I said.
I was getting annoyed because there was no depth to his intention. I felt like he was taking advantage of my vulneribility.
I ended the conversation quickly. I told him, I would only consider him if he was good-looking and rich. Haha.
However, he sempat lagi menjawab, "See for yourself."
What do you want me to see, huh? Your paycheck?
I hope by now he hates me and never brings up this topic ever again.
Still, yesterday was fun. Prior to that, a long lost school friend flirted with me.
He is smart and a very decent guy.
When we were younger, someone told me an inside story about his family. He comes from a very wealthy family. Don't know why his brother left home, though, rumours said he didn't get along too well with their dad (I think they've patched things up now). The informer also said he has a specially built mini bar in his house. Bear in mind this happened when we were quite young and innocent aka 'jakun', hence the 'Oooohh...' and 'Aaaahh...'
His parents used to have exotic pets too! Contohnya deers. How cool is that?
I am glad he turns out okay. Whoever has him as a partner would be lucky. He is very humble, responsible and quite conservative. The conversative part is very comel. Haha.
I am always flattered when someone flirts with me. Biasalah, jakun, haha. Believe me, this happens very rarely to me.
Since my boyfriend is busy nowadays, memang tak ada orang to flirt with. Speaking of my boyfriend, a few nights ago he sent an SMS at about 10pm telling me that he was going to bed already. I called him straightaway just because I wanted to hear his voice before he went to sleep. He confessed that he wasn't going to bed yet, instead, he was going out again to finish his work. The only reason he wished me 'Good night' was because he was afraid if he forgot to say 'Good night' to me later on. It is our little ritual or I would be very upset if he forgets.
He ended up coming home at 430am. The night after, stuffs were stolen from the site. He was very stressed about it because the dateline is very near. After he lodged the police report, he apologized for not having time for me. Surprisingly, I was very understanding. Actually, I symphatize him, I wish I could do more to help him.
I am thinking of buying him with a gift, but I don't know what to buy.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Orang cakap dia itu ini, tapi bila I baca, I rasa macam tak ada apa-apa pun...(except for maybe one or two) And if I was annoyed, I am rarely annoyed at that person, instead, I would be annoyed with one particular issue that he/ she raised in his/ her blog that I do not quite agree with. But the solution to that is simple. Time. Time heals everything. Soon, you would see me stalking the blogs again! Haha.
It is either that I don't get easily annoyed or maybe it is because I don't know them personally, so I have no say-lah!
So, that's why yesterday I was quite happy and glad I was born to feel this way.
Just now, I was doing my usual bloghopping and I came across my weakness. I stumbled upon three or four blogs by female writers. We are born in the same year, one or two are even younger than me but all of them share one thing in common which I really, really desire. Instantly, I felt sad (told you, it is a weakness!) because I still don't have that one thing I long for so much.
During moments like this, I feel like I should stop bloghopping in order to prevent myself from getting hurt by reading their wonderful life stories. I would obsess over their blogs, going through their archives to search for evidence that they too are not perfect.
(That's why I prefer to read ordinary blogs about their ups and downs. It makes them human, just like me. And they are real.)
No, I don't hate them, I more probably envy them, or maybe I am hating myself even more after I read their blogs, I thought, 'God, why can't you make me like them?'
After the sadness and denial, next came anger, which today I managed to control. Now, I am in the state of consoling myself, my life isn't that bad, so what am I whining about? I forgot quite a few people would love to be in my shoes as much as I want to be like them.
The difference between our generation and our mothers' is we are less patient. It is not entirely our fault. We live in an era where we could get anything, ANYTHING, at the tip of our fingers, right there and then. We could not wait, everything must be fast. Kalau boleh, umur 6 tahun pun dah nak sit for A-Levels. Tick tock tick tock, chup chup, hurry up!
I told my boyfriend about it and he said, "Tak lama lagi."
Today, I am slowly teaching myself that I have to wait. Tunggu. Nanti akan tiba. Slowly. Sabar.
Sometimes, I wonder when I would get to the 'acceptance' stage.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My talent is the ability to stay awake for hours. In my book, 24 hours without sleep is a piece of cake. I do it often, without tonic drinks, teas or coffees.
I first discovered this ability when I was 17, thanx to the upcoming SPM which I hadn't been preparing for. It was all worth it. Lucky I've never encountered a dead spirit. The scariest event was when the mice running around my feet but I had to hold my scream because everybody else was sleeping, or that spinster warden would be overly mad at us. And the most disgusting thing was when the dorm cat carried the freshly dead rat into our dorm, with blood trailing on the floor.
How do I do it?
All I need is a constant stimulation, something to be excited about or simply an obligation. Not to forget fear, fear has the same effect on me.
Excitement: Such as gossiping with my girlfriends. I could stay awake watching movies, excited to finish a book, or even playing games! It's not that I refuse to go to bed, I just feel I am not sleepy yet. (Playing games also eliminates hunger pangs, that's a different story altogether.)
Obligation: When I have to finish something because the dateline is very near. It's not that I purposely proscatinate, but what can I say, I work best under pressure.
Fear: This goes hand in hand with obligation. Kalau tertidur during critical moments macam mana? Die-lah for sure!
After I've passed the crucial times, I could tune my brain to relax and fall asleep, just like that!
This leads me to my second special ability. I could sleep in the most uncomfortable situations you could think about.
Since I sometimes don't get enough sleep, I couldn't be fussy on when or where I sleep.
- I could slept with my jeans and shoes on
- I've slept with three people on a single bed
- I've slept at the airport with hard bagpack as my pillow
- I've slept in the cold (this is quite easy because all you want to do is to curl up your body into a ball and the coldness will make you hibernate)
- I could sleep without lying on my back ie: sitting. I've never tried sleeping standing though.
- I could sleep with the TV/ radio and lights switched on
- I could sleep on uneven land or in a tent
To summarise, I will sleep if I decide to, even if I already have enough sleep for the day, which means, I could go on sleeping for 14 hours straight!
You'd find it's easy to wake me up too. Just call my name once or twice and I will be aware of it. You wouldn't find me tossing and turning on the bed asking for 5 more minutes. I could bring myself to rise, unless if I decide there is no strong enough reason to do so (eg: on my day off!)
The only side effect I often get from this bad habit of staying awake for long hours is the ugly raccoon eyes.
I don't like teas, coffees and the likes because
- they make me feel like I have an active bladder
- I'm afraid if I become dependent on them and gradually become resistance to them
- fear of throbbing headaches
I rarely suffer from migraine, but when I do, I find myself couldn't function at all, literally. All I need is a still, quiet, dark, place, a pot besides me in case I vomit, 2-3 Panadols and a few hour of sleep. If I had to move, I need to do it slowly because every motion feels like my brain is being banged to the wall of my skull. Everytime I get the attack, I would imagine the blood vessels to the specific area where the pain is, are being squeezed to the last drop (like Choki Choki), cutting off the supply and making the cells in my brain die a painful death.
Lucky I usually could see it coming and have the time to prepare myself for the worst.
Actually, I was prescribed with Ponstan by my doctor, but I am too scared to take it. (Again, fear of dependence and gradually becoming resistance to it) The name itself suggests it is a quite strong painkiller (stronger than Panadol, weaker than Morphine) which is quite scary for me. Ponstan do sound like 'pengsan'.
Now you know a little bit more about me!
I hate my yellow-stained teeth. They are not as white as the sclera of my eyes. (The sclera of my eyes are the standard of white for teeth, in my personal opinion)
I don't know why my teeth are not white enough. I don't smoke and I rarely drink teas, coffees or Cola drinks! By rare, I meant, maybe once or twice in a month or two!
Now that I think about it, it is probably because of the medication which I took a few years back. It is called Tetracycline and one of the side effects is permanent staining of the teeth.
Can all doctors in this world explain this specific side effect first before prescribing it to the patients! From what I remember, my doctor only told me that it is important not to take the medicines if I was pregnant and I might suffer from occasional headaches, that's all!
Now I'm bitter.
I could go to the dentist asking for a treatment but anyone knows how much it would cost? Can the dentist get rid of this 'permanent' staining of the teeth? It's only due to cosmetic reason, so I really don't want anything artificial inside my mouth (like the veneers).
Upon arriving, he heard a little boy giggling.
Apparently, my boyfriend accidentally abducted his nephew! The nephew was playing hide-and-seek.
So, he had to drive his nephew all the way back and returned to his meeting which he was major late for.
But you can never be mad at an innocent 7-year-old.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
It's the most expensive party ever recorded,
the biggest firework show, beating even the recent Olympic China firework display,
(it was believed that you could see the firework display from the outer space)
the security was mega tight, roads were blocked two kilometres away from the venue.
The hotel even has its own water park and aquarium.
You should google the hotel/ event and see how extravagant it was.
Dubai doesn't look like it's in the Middle East with the A-list guests and their attires flocking the event.
Personally, I think it's such a waste of money.
If I ran my own country, I would be sad to see my people serve these 'outsiders'.
Oh, well, all in the name of publicity.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
There are enough people in this world who use combustion unnecessarily, firing guns and nuclear bombs, lighting up cigarettes even though it's harmful for our health, people who switch on the heaters even though the library is empty and there's nobody in the meeting room, factories and their thick, black smoke coming out from the tall chimneys, Christians lighting up candles in the churches, Buddhists lighting up praying sticks, bomohs lighting up the kemenyan,
SO WHY DO YOU WANT TO FURTHER POLLUTE THE ENVIRONMENT!
Saya geram. I feel obliged to blow off the candles everytime I see one, screaming, "CO2, CO2!"
Did you know the ice is melting up North and down South? Do you even care? Did you know the flora and fauna are becoming extinct because of the thinning of the ozone layer?
Do you not have other alternatives to make your room smell better! Aren't there other methods to be romantic?
One of the reasons that further strengthen my believe in Islam is:
Islam never promote the act of burning unnecessarily.
Islam is environment-friendly!
In fact, I read somewhere, fire arms should not be used in wars (in Islam).
That was 1400 years ago, I don't know whether that could be applied to modern times. Why not? The warriors (globally) were more noble back then. They wouldn't fight you if you didn't have a weapon and they wouldn't ambush you out of nowhere (eg: while you are sleeping), if I am not mistaken. Berperang pun secara beradab. Fair and square.
Okay, I am getting out of topic.
I hate air pollution and wars.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
is the day which my boyfriend's family mourn for the loss of a baby.
This Yin and Yang is making me superstitious.
Is this a sign or something that we couldn't be happy whenever we are together?
Although I don't even know the feeling of getting pregnant, the thought of losing the child I've been carrying in my womb scares me.
I've met people who had this experience. They seemed to be fine about it but in the middle of the conversation, they would drop a tear or two, and apologize for breaking down.
I hate it when they apologize. I hate it when I don't know what to do. Should I hug them? Touch their hands? Say something? No, don't be sorry, I would say, then I would look down, giving them all the time they need. I hate it when I need to excuse myself to the washroom to compose myself.
I hate it when they say I should've been numb about this. I don't want to be numb. It makes me human.
I told my boyfriend, what if the exact thing happened to me? I don't think I could face it. Boleh jadi separuh gila. Plus I would need to undergo an operation to empty my womb from my poor, lifeless baby. That would be traumatising!
Once, I saw a poor Eastern European trying, most probably begging, to sell silly magazines to the locals, the rich Europeans.
The person standing next to me was a man, probably in the mid 30s. He was smoking a cigarette, and together with other people, we waited for the bus.
The Easter European elderly came to us, trying to sell his magazines and we usually avoided eye-contacts to suggest to him that we were not interested.
This guy next to me, shouted at that man, "Oi, go fuck off! This is the third time you came to me! Go away, you...." I refused to listen to the rest of the sentence.
We were shocked and did not dare to further provoke this angry man. Nobody did anything. Some even pretended not to hear.
My bus came and I boarded on the bus.
Even though it wasn't me who was being rude, I couldn't help but feel bad about myself. Perhaps I should've given him a piece of my mind. But then again, why would I say? I was just another foreigner in his country. Or maybe, I was just another citizen who decided to do nothing even though my morale said I should.
That night, I prayed for the elderly man. That was all I could do.
My faith is, God is fair.
Sekarang kan tengah recession. Agak-agak, laki kurang ajar tu jadi beggar tak?
At least, senyumlah. Senyum tu kan sedekah.
walaupun sepanjang pengetahuan saya, belum pernah ada masalah bapa saya berkeinginan untuk berpoligami atau meninggalkan ibu saya,
saya masih tetap takut dengan masa hadapan saya.
Saya mempunyai beberapa kawan yang mempunyai masalah keluarga,
saya juga telah banyak berjumpa blog-blog yang menceritakan derita,
secara tak langsung, saya merasakan anything could happen to anybody, anywhen,
sesungguhnya saya ini seorang yang realistik.
Artikel di atas amat membantu.
Saya seorang yang amat lembut hati,
air mata bertitisan membaca komen-komen yang diberi
sebab saya seorang yang suka meletakkan diri sendiri dalam situasi orang lain
supaya saya dapat mengajar diri untuk tidak cepat mengadili orang lain.
Kemudian, kita bersyukur.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
He has been pouring his relationship problems to me since forever. It has given him sleepless nights. No, there's no third party. The feelings are just not there. He feels that it is unfair for him to keep leading the girl even though he has nothing to give, it's selfish. At the same time, he doesn't want to hurt her because he knows how much she loves him. She's a nice girl, she doesn't deserve to get dumped! Dilemma, dilemma...
Anyway, this friend of mine told me that he is now determined, he has decided to end it all.
Apparently, he has consulted two friends of ours who were both in the same situations before and they are now happy with their new lives. Both are males.
One of the advices is:
Sometimes, you just have to do what's best for you. Sometimes, you don't need to think about other people. You have to find your own happiness. I know it's selfish but masa ni lah nak jadi selfish. Nanti dah lepas kahwin, dah tak boleh nak pilih-pilih teman hidup lagi dah. Sementara ada peluang nak pilih ni, buat sekarang. Nanti kalau salah pilih, menyesal seumur hidup.
My reaction was, "Is that his advice to you! Is he talking about himself? Dari mana dia dapat tu! Mesti girlfriend baru dia yang bagi reasoning macam ni! Just to tell himself out loud that what he did is okay!"
(FYI, both that guy and his new girlfriend dumped their respective couples to be together.)
My friend laughed. At the end of his laugh, he said softly, "Tapi ada betulnya apa yang dia cakap tu..."
But for me, right now, I'd rather sacrifice myself for someone's happiness. It wouldn't be a waste. God will know and He will reward us fairly. Right?
Then, my friend let out a big sigh and suggested, "Jom kita break-up and cari couple baru!"
Me: ...I do have a boyfriend, you know...
Friend: But you have a big crush on L, don't you!
Me: L is just a harmless crush. All girls like L. Besides, L has a girlfriend too!
Friend: Ala...John cakap, 'Sedangkan kapal terbang pun boleh di-hijack!'
Friend: Sedangkan kapal terbang pun boleh di hijack!
Me: Pepatah apa ni!
Friend: Hahahaha. John yang cakap. I will remember that forever.
Our friends and their advices...
Such an amusement.
S/he doesn't give links of the blogs s/he talks about but the hints are quite obvious.
What surprises me is I know every single blog that s/he writes about (there are about 5 or 6 so far). Does this mean I read way too many blogs?
I always thought if the blog didn't have many comments, it means it's not popular. So, when I read these 'unpopular' blogs, I thought I was 'special' to discover them. Because really, some of them are good writers.
But even these 'low-profile' blogs (or so I thought) are being reviewed.
I still don't have any judgement on the blog writers even after s/he reveals embarassing facts about them. Some are just his/ her opinions on the blogs s/he reads.
It's just fun because it's like reading a gossip magazine!
It's fun reading the comments too because they participate in sharing information with each other.
I hope nobody would be affected by her/ his reviews. I still want to read your blogs! Don't privatise or close down your blogs!
Oh, well, welcome to the blogging world.
Me? I just know a few bloggers out there. A couple through this blog, some I just know because they are somebody's friends, somebody's seniors, somebody's parents, somebody's aunts/ uncles, somebody's schoolmates, somebody's colleagues (and the list goes on)...
I used to have an impression on someone before. Then, I discovered her blog and began to follow her blog. It totally changed my opinion on her.
Okay, that's all my gossip for today.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
He said it's rezeki nak kahwin.
I am happy for him.
But I couldn't help but feel he is stealing my nikmat.
Rezeki nak kahwin I bila?
My boyfriend missed the flight to KL because he was stuck in the meeting. (Meeting apa 9.30am to 5pm!) He was supposed to meet my parents. I don't want his work to compromise with my 'nak kahwin' thing! Banyak betul halangan.
Looks like I am not too happy afterall.
I am a bad, bad girlfriend. I should've been more understanding.
Okay, I redha. I am happy for him. In fact, I bersyukur he gets the three projects.
Teringat tentang seseorang sewaktu berusia 21 tahun.
His housemates would wake him up for Subuh prayer.
When he was not feeling like doing it, he would wake up and wash his face, pretending like he had performed the ablution. Then, he would go into his room and continue sleeping.
Why would someone wash his face and continue sleeping, I don't understand.
Might as well sembahyang terus!
That got me smiling for now. Haha.
I've never been this weak. I usually cope well with obstacles.
I don't know why I am not as positive as I used to be.
I am so drained from the insomnia and the irregular sleep and eating patterns, I am so drained from the worries, regrets and tears that have been produced for 7 or more consecutive days.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I worry or why I cry.
I miss my old-self. This is not a very good year for me.
I feel as if I am fake.
Because nobody knows except for you, me and my boyfriend.
For a few months already, I've created an imaginary expressionless white angel who would hug me when I am sad. She has long white hair and she always lean on my body and stroke my hair and back when I lie down crying. She never says anything but I know she wants me to know that everything is going to be alright. She reminds and ensures me that I am still a great person despite the stupid mistakes I made, despite my inadequacy in many areas, I am still great.
I miss my confidence and self-esteem.
I miss getting good results equivalent to the amount of efforts I have put in something.
My boyfriend tells me not to think too much. Some things should be let go because we don't have the power to turn back time. He also accused for not being grateful and having faith in God's plans. Not helping!
All I can believe now is things will get better. But when?
Persistent depressing thoughts like these can be quite a bore to you. I am even bored with myself and my negavity. I can't understand why and how someone could stand with my attitudes. If I were someone else, I woud run away from me. (Okay, here I go again)
I am sick.
Beri saya ubat.
Ubat untuk sakit badan.
Ubat untuk lenguh tangan.
Ubat untuk penat otak.
Ubat untuk tulang belakang.
Ubat amnesia semua kesilapan bodoh.
Ubat berhenti menangis.
Ubat berhenti runsing.
Ubat yakin diri.
My ex-boyfriend was a social drug user. When I was feeling down, I told him I wanted the drugs for recreational use (bring my mind to the happy park). I've heard so much about how they help you feeling euphoric. I desperately wanted something to lift me up high.
You know what? He said he would get them for me.
What kind of a boyfriend is that!
Lucky I ditched him before he screwed me up.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Ladies, would I be happier if I had your partners as my partner?
I like 'special' people. The retards, the genuinely crazy people, the senile.
Many people think they are useless.
But I believe their existance has a purpose in our lives.
They remind me to be grateful for being me.
Watching them is a humbling experience. You just feel like you want to make the most out of now before you lose the abilities and/or memories.
They remind you that some things are more important than worrying over work, money, silly fights with your neighbours.
Noone is ever useless. Not even if you think you are a failure.
"Perhaps, the only reason of my living, is as a reminder to other people" (I can't remember the source of this quote)
That's why I am against abortion. I am also against euthanasia. Who are we to decide who is worth living or not? Who are we to decide who would be a burden to the society?
I don't pity these people or the people who are taking care of them.
They are so special, sometimes, I want to be like them. So care-free, innocent and sincere.
Orang yang dah hilang akal, bila mati, confirm masuk syurga.
Isn't that everybody's ideal ultimate goal?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Boy: Apa maksud read-dress?
Me: Read-dress? Macam mana spelling?
Me: (Mind goes wandering off after the letter 'A') Entah. I tak tahu maksudnya.
Boy: Maksudnya, tukar alamat.
Me: (Silent. Because of shock)
I took a deep breath and said, "That's RE-ADDRESS."
Boy: (Gelak-gelak malu) Haha! I salah baca!
Me: (Laughs along to minimise his humiliation)
Boy: You jangan bagitahu kawan you tau, malu I!
Me: You jangan buat I malu depan kawan I.
I'm a bit concerned with my boyfriend's command in the English language.
A little girl was fetched from the school by her grandparent. She was obviously upset, she cried all the way home.
"Kenapa nangis? Kena buli ke? Selalu main kejar-kejar. Hari ni jatuh ke? Ada orang pukul ke?"
That's how bad the crying was. Sampai orang ingat dia kena pukul.
She refused to tell and continued to sob.
Finally, she calmed down. She got a B for her Bahasa Melayu end-of-year exam. All of her friends scored As for the paper.
She's only 9. She isn't supposed to feel sad over her silly exam result!
The first time I felt competitive in my studies was when I was in standard 6!
Putting myself in her shoes, everyone expects her to do well in BM because she was one of the few selected Malay students in her class. The others must have teased her, or she simply felt bad because she was beaten by those who do not even speak Malay at home. She knows the only paper that keeps pulling her marks down is her BM paper. It was the end-of-year exam. It's stressful for her.
My niece has always had problems with his BM. We don't know how else to help her.
Boy: I dah tak boleh tengok YouTube lagi or several other websites.
Boy: Dah kena block.
Boy: Ada orang datang office, masuk website porn. I tak mahu orang tengok porn dalam computer I. Nanti office I tak berkat.
Okay. Semoga segala urusanmu diberkati.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves
3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog
Starting time : 1834.
Name : Ectopy.
Sisters : 1
Brothers : 2
Shoe size : 37/ 38 Euro, 6 Malaysia, 5 depends on the shoes
Height : 5′2, 157cm
Where do you live : (Refuse to answer for anonimity's sake)
Have you ever been on a plane : Yes.
Swam in the ocean : Yes.
Fallen asleep at school : Yes. Caught AND humiliated by the teacher.
Broken someone’s heart : Yes. I thought I did that twice, but now I think about it, maybe the first one wasn't too broken hearted. Damn you.
Fell off your chair : Perhaps. I don't remember.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : Yes. I don't do it anymore.
Saved e-mails : Yes. Because I am such a hoarder, I treat everything in my life as an artifact. I want to open a museum about me.
What is your room like : Compact.
What’s right beside you: The wall.
What is the last thing you ate : McVitie's Hobnobs.
Chicken pox : Yes.
Sore throat : Yes.
Stitches : No.
Broken nose : No. I don't think my nose can be broken, it's so 'penyek'. Haha! Apa nak buat, hidung orang Melayu...
Do you Believe in love at first sight : My boyfriend does.
Like picnics : Always.
The last person you danced with : With my friends during a raya open house, dancing to raya songs.
Last made you smile : Can't remember. Maybe stuffs from the blogs I read.
You last yelled at : My boyfriend.
Today did you...
Talk to someone you like : Not really. I have no problem with my friend and I talk to her just now.
Kissed anyone : No.
Get sick : Sick of the things I needed to do before I decided to take a break and do this tag. I still have to continue doing it after this.
Talk to an ex : No.
Miss someone : Yes.
Who do you really hate: I don't know, haters? The people who are involved in prolonging the wars.
Do you like your hand-writing : It's okay.
Are your toe nails painted : No.
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in : Hotel beds. :) I WANT A BREAK!
What color shirt are you wearing now : Pink.
Are you a friendly person : Used to. Not anymore. Not worth my effort. I realize I no longer need to please strangers.
Do you have any pets : No.
Do you sleep with the TV on: Sometimes.
What are you doing right now : Resting. And feeling nervous about my unfinished business. Bila nak siap ni!
I also realize Miss pissedjalapenos ada bagi jawapan yang tak bertepatan dengan soalan tag. Haha.
Can you handle the truth : Always.
Are you closer to your mother or father : Mother.
Do you eat healthy : I would like to think so. I eat unhealthily only when I'm attending raya open houses. Haha.
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex : Yes.
If you’re having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to : God ke? Tipulah, I am not that religious, kadang-kadang lupa. I don't know, I don't go to anyone, I sleep.
Are you loud or quiet most of the time : Loud. As I am getting older, I learn to be quiet because 'senyap itu lebih baik dari berkata yang sia-sia'.
Are you confident : Sangat, senantiasa dan obviously.
5 things I was doing 10 years ago
- I had a boyfriend and I stopped contacting him. He got the message I wanted to end the relationship. Smart boy.
- Suka Spice Girls. Haha.
- Took pictures using dated cameras and frequently visited that Apek shop to develop 3R photos.
- Did not worry a single thing about gaining weight.
5 things I would do if I were a billionaire
- Give scholarships to needy children.
- Donate half of it to poor people all over the world. Maybe build a school, provide clean water suppy, bagi haiwan ternakan.
- Visit the places I've always wanted to go without worrying about cost.
- Start my own business and be my own boss so I don't have to work hard for money.
- Buy and fly my own aeroplane.
5 of my bad habits
- Selalu mengutuk boyfriend sehinggakan kadang-kadang dia terasa hati.
- A proscranitor.
- I always blame my boyfriend when something bad happens to me. Hehe.
- Memicit jerawat dan malas basuh muka tapi tetap bercita-citakan kulit muka yang licin. How?
- Tak suka belajar masak.
5 places I’ve lived/living
- Negara jiran.
- Bandar Sunway.
5 people I tag
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tengok orang shopping barang mahal-mahal, alamak, terasa macam seronok pula. Terus fikir, "Wah, kayanya mereka ni...Bilalah saya nak jadi kaya, boleh beli bla bla bla."
Tengok orang melancong, pergi sana-sini, naik first class pula tu!
Kereta besar, rumah cantik, si penulis pun cantik rupawan...
Kehidupan yang ala-ala sempurna.
Bukan seorang dua, ramai pula tu!
Baguslah, dikurniakan rezeki yang murah. Orang Malaysia ni ternyata ramai juga yang kaya-kaya rupanya...
Saya? Suami kaya pun tak ada! Sampai kadangkala, saya pula sedih meratapi nasib, "Kenapalah saya ni tak kaya-kaya..."
Tapi sebenarnya, hari ini saya sudah terlupa.
Setiap orang mempunyai target dalam kehidupan masing-masing.
Dahulu, sewaktu saya dalam lingkungan awal 20-an, saya telah membuat keputusan tentang cita-cita saya.
Saya memang berharapkan supaya saya tidak terlalu kaya dan tidak terlalu miskin.
Saya hanya mahu membantu orang yang dalam kesusahan. Itu memang impian saya. Target saya bukan untuk menjadi kaya raya. (Jika saya target untuk menjadi kaya, tentunya saya tidak akan memilih bidang yang saya ceburi sekarang ini sebagai punca pendapatan!)
Saya sudah pun berfikir secara matang dan mendalam kenapa saya tidak mahu menjadi seorang 'millionaire'. (Mesti fikir apa yang kamu mahu dalam kehidupan supaya tak tersilap doa.)
Kenapa saya tidak mahu jadi kaya raya? Saya seorang sahaja yang tahu, tak perlulah saya tulis di sini buat masa sekarang.
Memang agak 'tempting' jugalah kalau dikelilingi dengan orang-orang senang.
Ada seorang rakan saya pernah bercakap, "Don't blame me for being materialistic. Look at our friends...They are all rich. It's not my fault if my friends are wealthy, it's not like I only choose rich people to be my friends, dah memang kawan I kaya, nak buat macam mana kan! So, suami I pun mestilah kaya juga!"
Yup, totally understandable.
Sebenarnya, bagi saya, saya dah cukup kaya, tapi apabila membandingkan diri dan tengok orang lain, eh, macam tak cukup pula. Biasalah, manusia...
Namun, saya sedaya upaya hendak berpegang kepada prinsip hidup saya.
Mereka semua buat saya terpengaruh. Saya mesti tepis semua anasir ini supaya saya tidak tersasar dari cita-cita saya yang sebenar! Itu jalan yang saya pilih.
Sampai kadang-kadang, saya perlukan a 'constant reminder', "Saya punya 'goal' dalam kehidupan bukan menjadi kaya. Ingat tu, Ectopy!" saya jerit dalam hati.
Saya selesa dengan diri saya dan barang-barang yang saya ada sekarang walaupun tidak seberapa.
Hakikatnya, jika saya menjadi kaya raya sekalipun, saya tetap tak sampai hati nak berbelanja ribu-ribu, haha!
Mungkin, pada pendapat saya, saya lihat orang berada ni hidupnya senang dan gembira, jadi, tak hairanlah jika saya pun mempunyai keinginan sedemikian sekali-sekala.
Sedangkan saya tahu bahawa diri saya sendiri tidak akan beroleh kepuasan dengan cara itu. Itu kepuasan yang dicapai untuk orang lain, bukan untuk saya.
Kepuasan saya dalam bentuk yang lain. Saya cuma mahu membantu orang, saya tahu saya akan puas jika saya membantu orang.
Bagaimana saya tahu? Sebab saya pernah membeli barang yang mahal. Tetapi, akhirnya, saya hanya teruja sekejap sahaja. Saya langsung tak pandai nak menghargai barang itu.
Memang sah, pembelian itu terhasil dari 'peer pressure' atau nafsu semata-mata.
Oleh itu, hari ini, sekali lagi, saya ingin mengingatkan diri saya sendiri,
"Saya punya 'goal' dalam kehidupan bukan menjadi kaya. Ingat tu, Ectopy!" saya jerit dalam hati.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
"I am gonna give birth to my baby soon," she said.
"So, I am going to prepare for that moment," she continued to say.
"The doctors and the midwives are going to see, you know, down there," then, she paused.
"Could you help me shave my pubic hair?"
"Hell, no!" my friend screamed.
Her sister pleaded, "Come on! I would do it myself if I could, but I can't, can I?" and she put her hand on her huge belly.
My friend still refused, "Your husband should do it for you, not me! I am not going to look at your vagina!"
"It's embarassing lah! You do it, you are my sister, there's nothing to be ashamed of."
What is this! Dengan your own spouse pun nak malu ke? He never stripped you down, meh?
I don't know what her sister said, but she did manage to make my friend shave her pubic hair in the end.
I want to write on several subjects, but everytime I try to compose a post, I could not finish it.
But today is different.
Okay, I am gonna write something short (because I am busy) and some of you might be offended by this. Before I proceed, I just want to apologize in advance if I ter'offend' you in any way.
It's about hijab/ tudung. This is just an opinion, betul atau tidak, tak tahulah.
When I was bloghopping just now, I read a sentence which, how shall I say put this, which I don't quite agree with.
The sentence goes like this: Pakai tudung tak semestinya tak boleh berfesyen tau!
I thought a real Muslim woman shouldn't care about style and fashion as long as the attire she puts on covers her aurat.
That's the reason why a Muslim woman don the tudung in the first place, right? To avoid attention.
So, why must you be fashionable and attract attention when one of main reasons of a hijab is to humble your appearance?
From my knowledge, you are not even supposed to wear bright colours, raise your voice unnecessarily, wear excessive blings blings, or/and wear noisy footwears, all in the name to persevere a Muslim woman's modesty.
So, how can a tudung and fashion intersect? Unless you are wearing your tudung for the wrong purpose or without adequate knowledge.
Fashion is duniawi, fashion is about making a statement, fashion is about to be noticed: Oh, wow, she is so fashionable!, Oh, look how stylish she is!, Oh, look at that girl with that cute top!.
I really don't mind if a Muslim woman wear a tudung and be fashionable at the same time, believe me, I have many friends in tudung and they all look amazing. I know that they know their attires are not perfect.
Just the way they know that I know exposing my hair to non-Muhrim is haram.
We have the knowledge, but we don't execute them.
Do you get my drift?
I am not condemning anybody who wears tudung and fashionable clothes together, as long as I know they wear them because they consciously decide to and they are fully aware the way they dress are not THE way, just half or maybe 3/4 of THE way.
They will get 'there' in time, stepwise. That, I understand. Drastic changes are usually 'Easy come, easy go'.
But, these people don't tell other people, Hey, look, I wear my tudung as my religion requires me to do so, follow me, I am the perfect example! when in fact, you are not.
What disturbs me is, the statement 'Pakai tudung tak semestinya tak boleh berfesyen tau' simply shows that the writer doesn't grasp firmly on the concept of a hijab.
It's juvenile to wear hijab without the most basic fundemental knowledge of the purpose of a hijab.
Nevertheless, I acknowledge and praise everyone who don the tudung.
Like I say, I am not trying to condemn anybody, this is just a piece of my mind. Good for everybody who wears the hijab (mengikut sunnah or not, I know, you are at least trying), you people are all better than me. :) I am so behind...Tak tahu bila nak catch up with you guys...
Kalau nak beramal, mesti berilmu.
Kalau dah berilmu, tapi tak mahu beramal...
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Boy: Ye ke? Mari sini, abang hisap jari...
Girl: You ni, kalau jari I berdarah, you hisap. Tapi kalau pussy I berdarah? (cheeky smile)
Boy: Kalau pussy you, I siap jilat lagi!
I just realized I haven't wished you guys, "Selamat Hari Raya!"
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
5 red apples left from the time I bought a bag of them two weeks ago. I thought, 'I better eat them now while they are still crunchy'.
One apple was in my palm as I settled in my fluffy bed. The TV was switched on. Only then, I took my first bite.
Second bite, third bite, I chewed and swallowed the natural sweetness.
As I was reaching to the core of the fruit, I smelled something unpleasant.
I sniffed and wondered where it was coming from.
*Sniff sniff sniff*
To my horror, it came from the apple itself!
To my horror horror, it was actually the smell of my bad breath, transferred to the fruit!
Euw. I laughed at myself.
I have bad breath.
Tak apa. Puasa punya pasal. Syukur sajalah...
I finished the whole apple ignoring the smell.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Suatu petang selepas pulang dari kuliah agama di surau, si isteri menceritakan apa yang didengarnya dalam kuliah tersebut kepada suaminya.
"Abang, abang nak tau tak, ustaz kata bila suami dan isteri itu bersatu/ bersetubuh kan bang kann dengan cara yang betul dan menjaga syarat yang betul maka pasangan tersebut akan mendapat pahala sama seperti membunuh 10 ekor atau beberapa ekor syaitan".
Kata si suami, "Yerr kerr. Tak apa, malam ni malam Jumaat, masa yang sesuai utuk bunuh syaitan kann, betul tak sayanggg" sambil ketawa. Isteri hanya tersenyum panjang.
Selang dua hari kemudian, si isteri berkata, "Banggg, jom kita bunuh syaitan...Bang...". Si suami tersenyum panjang.
Selang dua hari kemudian, si isteri berkata "Banggg, jom kita bunuh syaitan...Bang...".
"Takpe...tunggula malam," jawab si suami.
Esoknya si isteri berkata "Banggg, jom kita bunuh syaitan...Bang...".
Si suami diam sambil mengangguk lemah.
Esoknya si isteri berkata "Banggg, jom kita bunuh syaitan... ".
Si suami tiba-tiba marah dan berkata
"Ayang nie nak bunuh syaitan ke nak bunuh abang!!"
Click below if you are interested in the topic:
Poligami Rasulullah SAW Bukan Ayat-ayat Cinta.
Friday, September 19, 2008
So, whenever I see someone is doing something I know is wrong, I wouldn't dare to correct him/ her.
Today, I want to advice my Muslim readers not to break fast as you wish to. I see many people do this common mistake and never once I said anything to educate them.
Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda yang maksudnya: "Sesiapa yang berbuka puasa Ramadhan bukan kerana rukhsah (kelonggaran) yang dirukhsahkan oleh Allah, tidak dapat diqadha’kan dengan puasa setahun walaupun ia betul-betul (melakukan) puasa setahun itu.”
Riwayat Abu Daud, Ibnu Majah dan at-Tirmidzi
Which means, you cannot decide not to fast tomorrow because you have to cook, therefore you need to test the meals first, for the buka puasa gathering you are hosting.
You also cannot refuse to fast just because you forget to bersahur on the night before.
In simple terms, you cannot break your fast ikut suka hati sendiri, thinking you can always replace the days you miss in the year to come.
You are only allowed to break fast, or skip a day of puasa wajib under certain conditions (rukhsah or kelonggaran berpuasa) such as musafir (travelling) or it will compromise your health, etc.
The same applies when you are fasting for any puasa wajib such as qada' puasa or puasa nazar. After you already intend to fast the next day (dengan niat berpuasa qada' or nazar), you are expected to fast for a full day.
You cannot break your fast in the middle of the day just because you colleagues are throwing a surprise birthday party for your boss and you are tempted to taste the moist chocolate cake.
It is permissible if you are fasting with niat puasa sunat. A big no-no for puasa wajib.
Afterall, fasting is about controlling yourself from temptations!
Sekian sahaja tazkirah hari ini.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Anyway, after I heard what happened to F, I just can't understand why is the world cruel.
F found a video of her husband, having sex with another woman, and she is married too!
I wrote about F some time ago. Yes, F's husband's infidelity is no secret to us, but this time, it has gone too far.
F called the woman in the in the video and asked her to leave her husband and she threatened her to send the video to the Kementerian Pelajaran (that woman is a teacher) if she doesn't do as what she had been told to.
"Betapa besarnya dosa seorang isteri yang berzina, sehinggakan Allah memberi keizinan pada suami- tidak berdosa jika suami membunuh isterinya dan lelaki tersebut."
F thinks a child would fix the problem.
I think, there must be a reason God is not making her pregnant.
Run now before your child becomes a victim of neglect/ abuse!
If I were F, I would have asked for a divorce before I become crazy.
F and her 'but divorce is the most hated halal thing in the eye of God! I will try to avoid it and save this marriage no matter what'...
I respect that, but Girl, you've given your 'no matter what'.
I am advising her to go for marriage counselling.
If her husband makes no effort to turn up at the sessions, it's clear he has no intention to be married to F.
I hope she knows how special she is, that's why she is tested by God and I pray she will receive a big reward in Heaven. Keep on having faith, my dear.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Haha! Too cute.
Kids nowadays...Darjah satu, dua, tiga dah pandai lukis sexual stuff. They watch too much anime. I was not like this at all! I was embarassed even to draw sexy-looking ladies!
A pair of nice, leather heels, which initial price was RM2000+, now reduced to RM800 only, are now being sold at Calvin Klein, Pavillion.
Sadly, I still can't bring myself to fork out RM800 just for a pair of shoes.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
"Mana beli?" she asked.
I told her the name of the country I went to.
She looked a bit disturbed.
"Orang putih Islam kot..." she said to herself.
Maybe she thought the cookies and cakes were not halal.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Maybe because I inherit some of his traits, one of them, temperamental, that's why it is difficult for us to sit down and talk, without screaming or shouting at each other.
Besides, he is old and sensitive, while I could let go whatever mean things he says to me (knowing he doesn't really mean it), he, on the other hand, remembers and takes the mean things I say to him to the heart.
It's nice this way because Mother would tell me whatever he has to say to me in a calmer manner, sometimes, extracting out what I don't need to hear. I notice I am more accepting if Mother was the one who spoke to me.
Maybe, it is because Mother is closer to me, so she has every right to try to 'fix' me. For me, Father is the distant one, how could he fix me when he doesn't even know me? (I-mind-my-own-business, -you-mind-your-own, -I-don't-interfere-in-your-life, -you-don't-interfere-mine kinda way.)
So, it's better to stay in silent. I don't see him all the time, anyway.
Truthfully, I don't hate Father. The feeling towards him in neutral. I don't love him either. That's kinda harsh. What I was trying to say is, I love him for being my father, without him and Mother, I would have never been born in the first place, so I owe my life big time to him. Other that that, I don't really have any TLC moments with him. Of course, there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me too, he just lacks the expressions and that's who he is. I don't have a secret wish to have a Father whom I could call a friend or anything like that, I am fine with him and who he is.
The downside of this, however, Mother would always end up the victim of him (because I could never victimise my own mother).
Everytime Father disagrees with me, he would voice it out to Mother and everytime Mother tries to defend me, he declares war to both of us.
I pity Mother. She is innocent.
Here are some of what Father said to me, via Mother, of course:
1- He is disappointed in me. He used to be very proud of me, but now, I am no longer his pride.
2- He thinks my boyfriend sleeps around with prostitutes in Thailand.
3- He wants my boyfriend's IC so he could conduct an investigation on his background.
4- He said we don't know his backgroud, we shoudn't blindly believe what my boyfriend says. He might not even a university graduate. He should show us his certificates.
Like I said before, I am more accepting if Mother was the news bearer. So, I managed to control my emotions and not to wail/ protest right there and then.
On news number 1, I never expected him to say that. I am his daughter and I thought no parents would ever be disappointed in their children no matter how bad their children are. After what I've achieved so far in my life, he still could be disappointed in me. Well, I guess he just sets very high expectations on his children.
Sure, I felt sad. I even had tears in my eyes but I didn't want Mother to know how much that one sentence affected me, so I held back my tears by looking away and continued to do the dishes. I quickly thought of happy things and not to dwell too much in that.
I smiled and thought of it as a joke.
I said, "Mother, I knew from the very beginning what I do is nothing above other careers. It is overrated, it is nothing to be proud of". Mother replied it is not easy to get into the field. Then, I gave an evidence to Mother- how some of us could not even speak proper English, we are just ordinary people, nothing special.
On my boyfriend and prostitutes; it was laughable. Father sure has wild imaginations. Just because my boyfriend travels a lot and his marital status is still single, Father labels him so lowly.
The third statement was a shocker. I thought dads like this only appear in movies like, 'Meet The Parents' or 'Meet The Fockers'.
Mother said, "Menyusahkan orang betul, kamu ni. Satu kerja pula nak menyiasat dia!"
In my defence, I said, I've visited his hometown, I've met his parents and his many, many friends, I even went to his workplace, there wasn't anything suspicious about him. I trust my boyfriend completely. After years of being in a relationship with him, I know he is a good person, at least, good enough for me.
I'm not stupid. Soon after he revealed his interest in me, I already google-d his name, his IC and the company he is working with!
Half of me is glad Father wants to take this action actually. If that could satisfy him, I'll let him do whatever he wants because I know, there is nothing to hide from him. Perhaps, after the investigation (if he actually wants to proceed with it), Father would find out the good stuff about my boyfriend. The truth which is the complete opposite of Father's impression on my boyfriend.
I said, "Fine, I'll get his IC number. Wait, even better, I'll photocopy his IC for you!" Why not you do a search on his car too. Have you written down his plate number?
So, on the fourth matter, Father wants my boyfriend to laminate his old certificates and probably display them whenever they meet, huh? Outrageous! A piece of paper won't prove anything, it won't reflect someone's intelligence and success!
Me and my ortodox, conservative parents.
I really can't talk about this with anybody else other than my boyfriend. It's personal. It's kinda embarassing, don't you think? That's why I resort to writing in a blog, anonymously. I don't want you people to have wrong impressions on my parents. They are good people. This is just my point of view. I am not crying for help or sympathy. I just have to let it all out of my chest.
I know the all classic motivations- Setiap yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya, There's a rainbow after the rain, Look at the bright side, See the glass half-full, The grass looks greener on the other side, Hujan emas di negeri (kehidupan) orang, hujan batu di negeri (kehidupan) sendiri, This is just another obstacle in life, Sabarlah menempuh dugaan, Sabar itu separuh dari iman, Tuhan hanya memberikan apa yang terbaik untuk diri kita, Kalau jodoh tak ke mana, Hidup ibarat roda, kejap di atas, kejap di bawah, etc.
I told you I know them all. I've planted them all in my mind. But I am only human, Setiap manusia pasti melakukan kesilapan, To err is human, Nobody is perfect, You shouldn't bottle up everything inside you (seriously, I could go on).
Luckily, I have my sister. If I disappointed Father, my sister will surely make him proud. She carries that responsibilities.
It's ironic. They let me live independently all this while and now when it comes to choosing my husband, my love, they suddenly become very protective of me.
Most of the time, they are afraid if my boyfriend could not support me. They don't want me to get hurt, physically, emotionally and financially. But they won't listen to my explaination. How should I tell them that money is not everything? How should I tell them and make them believe, that my boyfriend is very capable of taking care of me? How should I tell them that we fit? Tiada perbezaan status. Sekufu.
They are just being careful, I know.
My boyfriend and I are patient.
But credits should really go to my boyfriend. He has developed a very thick face. If I were him, I would never set a foot in my parents' house ever again. But I like his persistence. That must have annoyed my parents very much. Haha.
Yeah, I won't let all this stress the hell outta me!
Anyway, here's a Q&A on Sex in Cleo September 2008 issue.
'While there have been no studies that have proven the connection between wearing thongs and UTI (urinary tract infection) or yeast infections but incidentally, some gynaecologists have reported that an increasing number of thong wearers suffer from recurrent urinary tract and vaginal infections.
For the most part, they think that a thong could be a conduit for bacteria.
Since a thong is a long and close-fitting strip of fabric, it can easily pick up faecal matter and bacteria from the anus, and if the thong moves, can carry the matter forward to the vagina and urinary tract.
One gynaecologist likened a thong to a subway car transporting bacteria from the rectum to the vagina.
UTIs and some types of vaginitis (although not yeast infections) are caused by bacteria, often from faecal matter.
And perhaps that's why t hongs are to blame.'
See...More reason not to wear thongs.
And not to to be involved in anal sex.
No matter how clean you think your rectum is, there is always shit in there! Don't believe me? Wear a latex glove and insert your finger in your rectum and see and smell and taste yourself lah.
Just accept the fact, people, God created the rectum not for sex.
And stop those dirty fantasies to try anal sex. Vagina lagi best sebab boleh kemut-kemut.
Tips: The best kegeal is by sneezing while you are being penetrated, it guarantees maximum satisfaction for your partner (I read this in a magazine and haven't tried it myself. But I believe this is true. Logic what!). Just one problem, how do you force yourself to sneeze? While having sex?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Unfortunately, many people who work there can't understand Malay. When this happens, my boyfriend has the habit of asking their country of origin. They are not to be blamed, though. Most of them are foreigners, from Myanmar, Philippines, etc, mencari rezeki di bumi Malaysia.
Why are there so many of them now serving food in restaurants?
Not that I mind, I am just curious, because it used to be Indonesians and Bangladeshis flooding the country!
At a kinda posh cafe:
I was hungry and I asked my boyfriend to accompany me to eat. I ordered fish and chips and "air".
"Mineral water?" the waitress asked.
I was busy studying the menu (still) so my boyfriend confirmed the order for me.
"Okay. One orange juice, one fish and chips and one Evian," she repeated our orders before she went.
Did she say Evian? I wanted water! Just water! Plain water! Free water!
Eyes widened, I glared at the suspected culprit, who else if not my boyfriend. "You ordered Evian? I want water! What did you say to her!" I whispered in anger, trying not to make a big scene. Thank God I still had the menu in hand, to cover my voice and facial expression from public.
"You said you want water," my boyfriend said in defence.
"I said I want "air"!"
"I don't know. Then, she said, "mineral water?""
"Then, you said "Yes" to that?" I wanted to scold my boyfriend for spending RM8 just for a 500ml of water.
"Dekat sini mana ada orang minum tap water," he said.
"Depan mata tu apa?" I pouted my lips to the direction of a counter situated in front of us, with jugs of water and lemons.
"Orang putih tak minum air paip dekat Malaysia..."
"I bukan orang putih!"
I eventually calmed down. We decided that the best way was to cancel the order, but none of us wanted to do it. Don't want to drop our water faces lah! "Excuse me, I want to cancel the Evian, I only want tap water please." or "Hoi! Saya nak air paip lah!" Yeah, right. And all other customers would look at us- Poor you, because you are poor.
I hate it when miscommunication like this happens. I especially hate it when I talk in Malay and the waitress is Malay but insisting to continue to speak in English, then get my order wrong!
It's like when a patient talks to a doctor in Malay, does the doctor continue to talk in English? If the doctor does, he/ she is definitely not a good doctor. Because a patient is the doctor's client/ customer, hence, he/ she must make the client/ customer happy by going with the flow (in terms of language, in this case)!
And it is not so much about being able or not to afford 16 sen for every 10ml of water.
Now, I present to you, why I don't like Evian.
1) I don't want to be seen as I-am-great-I-only-demand-Evian-as-my-plain-water.
2) I don't want other people to think the above and say, "Tapi muka tetap berkawah macam bulan, tak licin pun..."
3) And to avoid "And she doesn't look rich too. She even looks like she could not afford it. Look at the way she dresses!" (gasps)
4) I could have used that RM8 to pay for the parking fees!
5) Or donate it to a charity.
My boyfriend took a sip of my drink and said, "Sedapnya air ni! Patutlah 8 ringgit!" smiling sheepishly.
"Ye la tu! I rasa sama je!" and we laughed.
If I could, I would have licked the glass just because I paid RM8 for that freaking bottled water.
And you guessed it right, I minum sampai ke titisan terakhir just to make the most out of that RM8.
Then I felt like peeing and went to the toilet to empty my bladder and flushed the RM8 away.
My boyfriend said the latter looked nicer on me, which contradicted my preferance, this one below.
Did you notice the necklace knot? It's designed that way.
Me, being me, I like to spend my money wisely. The price should reflex its complexity (or is it complexicity?) and the item must be unique so others could not replicate it easily.
I really hate it when I see something similar to what I already have, much cheaper than what I paid. I'd feel like scolding myself even after a sale, "You, fool! If you waited a little while longer, you wouldn't need to waste so much money on this thing!"
And, I'd rather spend my money on something long-lasting like a watch or a piece of jewelry.
See, I am complicated.
That's why I like this piece of jewelry. In my opinion, it's unique, I've never seen anything similar to it and for some reason, I really like the idea of an address on a pendant. The idea is fresh and new. And I like the font too. And the curvature of the plate.
Since my boyfriend and I are a couple of complicated people...Wait, let me rephrase it, since my boyfriend and I are in a complex relationship, we both love Frank Muller's Master of Complications.
I especially like the Secret Hours collection. The watch always shows it's 12 o'clock. "So how do you tell the time then?" we asked the sale assistant. Simply press the dial on the left and it will show you the actual time.
The price is RM 80k ++ after 35% discount. (If anyone interested, check out the shop next to Salvatore Ferragamo in Pavillion)
The Crazy Hours however, is more popular and affordable (relatively) retailing at RM 20k ++.
"Siapa orang famous pakai Frank Muller?" my boyfriend asked.
"Frank Muller tiada ambassador tapi banyak orang pakai. David Beckham pun pakai. Artis pun banyak beli," the sale assistant explained in his Chinese accent.
"Oh, artis beli? Artis mana?" I was curious too. Which Malaysian celebrity bought and wears a Frank Muller?
"Artis Hong Kong," he replied.
Mati-mati I ingat artis Malaysia yang kaya raya tu!
So, we have decided, my boyfriend's dream watch is a Frank Muller's Crazy Hours while mine is a watch from Chopard's Happy Diamond.
The names of Frank Muller's collections are interesting: Secret Hours, Crazy Hours, Colour Dreams...
Then, we walked away from the shop and arrived at Gucci and saw Gucci's new collection's big ad on the window store- Hysteria.
Bagai nak gila jadinya!
We didn't buy any of the items featured in this post. Hanya mampu pandang, admire, dan cuba-cuba tengok how it looks and feels like wearing them. It felt good.
I was nominated by dazzledalie for Brilliante Weblog Premio- 2008 (whatever that is). Thank you for the nomination and then...? I'm not sure what to do next. Anyway, my blog is not brilliant, I was nominated just because (as quoted from dazzledalie):
1) I frequently update
2) A few selected posts published in this blog are interesting. Only a few! Some! Not all!
Okay, I'm offended and embarassed! Haha! Why did you nominate my blog even though this blog doesn't fit the criteria of a brilliante weblog!
I'm turning a simple statement into a complicated one. Sorry. Told you:
a) I'm complex
b) I like to complicate things
c) I like complex situations
d) all of the above
P/S: Just kidding. Thank you for the nomination. :)