Sunday, November 16, 2008

kenapa kadang-kadang hidup ni jahat?

The day my family is celebrating and welcoming the newest addition into the family,
is the day which my boyfriend's family mourn for the loss of a baby.

This Yin and Yang is making me superstitious.
Is this a sign or something that we couldn't be happy whenever we are together?

Although I don't even know the feeling of getting pregnant, the thought of losing the child I've been carrying in my womb scares me.
I've met people who had this experience. They seemed to be fine about it but in the middle of the conversation, they would drop a tear or two, and apologize for breaking down.

I hate it when they apologize. I hate it when I don't know what to do. Should I hug them? Touch their hands? Say something? No, don't be sorry, I would say, then I would look down, giving them all the time they need. I hate it when I need to excuse myself to the washroom to compose myself.

I hate it when they say I should've been numb about this. I don't want to be numb. It makes me human.

I told my boyfriend, what if the exact thing happened to me? I don't think I could face it. Boleh jadi separuh gila. Plus I would need to undergo an operation to empty my womb from my poor, lifeless baby. That would be traumatising!








Once, I saw a poor Eastern European trying, most probably begging, to sell silly magazines to the locals, the rich Europeans.

The person standing next to me was a man, probably in the mid 30s. He was smoking a cigarette, and together with other people, we waited for the bus.

The Easter European elderly came to us, trying to sell his magazines and we usually avoided eye-contacts to suggest to him that we were not interested.

This guy next to me, shouted at that man, "Oi, go fuck off! This is the third time you came to me! Go away, you...." I refused to listen to the rest of the sentence.

We were shocked and did not dare to further provoke this angry man. Nobody did anything. Some even pretended not to hear.
My bus came and I boarded on the bus.

Even though it wasn't me who was being rude, I couldn't help but feel bad about myself. Perhaps I should've given him a piece of my mind. But then again, why would I say? I was just another foreigner in his country. Or maybe, I was just another citizen who decided to do nothing even though my morale said I should.

That night, I prayed for the elderly man. That was all I could do.
My faith is, God is fair.

Sekarang kan tengah recession. Agak-agak, laki kurang ajar tu jadi beggar tak?

At least, senyumlah. Senyum tu kan sedekah.

5 comments:

Weed and Bandages said...

huh.

hidup kadang kadang perlu jahat kot.

supaya 'jalan' kita nampak tak selalu mudah saja.

coops said...

life is mean.. that's y we need to be inhuman (haha) sometimes :)

Sarclover said...

if the guy just dont wanna buy he could just walk away to another spot at the bus stop kan? cheh...

diamond baby said...

kenapa bila dapat duit byk sikit especially time bonus, time tulah kereta nak breakdown ke, or something happened which requires you to use the windfall? does that mean you need to avoid buying a car or avoid situations where you can get a lot of money?

tak kan? yin & yan si just part of life..

the ectopy said...

i just wanna be happy... =)