Sunday, January 23, 2011

(Note: The previous post was written one day after his death. This was written about two weeks after)

Today is only a few days after 2 weeks of Father's passing.

I went back to work three days after is burial. I was strong. Like I said before, I keep telling myself that probably it was better for him to go when he was at home.

I was at the hospital the other day. I stood by a client's side when the doctor told the patient's family the devastating news.
"Orang, kalau dah lebih usia 50tahun, jantungnya akan jadi lemah."
Immediately, my eyes were filled up with tears. 'But this patient is still young. Father was still young!' I thought to myself. I excused myself and gathered the courage to face the day.

The next day, I learned that that particular client of mine passed away. For the first time of my life, I felt so attached to her, that I sobbed uncontrollably = she just reminded me so much of Father.

One lonely night, I laid on my bed. At the end of the line, was my ever faithful boyfriend, who accompanied my sleepless night. Softly, I told him my many regrets,

I was half-convinced that Father hated me.

"Abang, Abang rasa Father lebih sanggup mati daripada nikahkan I dengan you?"
Probably that was his wish. He was against us so much, probably that was Father's doa in front of the Kaabah.

My boyfriend said: "Sayang tak boleh fikir macam tu. Semua kerja Tuhan. Awal atau lewat mati. Father doa yang terbaik untuk anak dia. Supaya awak dapat suami yang soleh. Father dah restu perkahwinan kita. Family you pun dah boleh terima Abang. Mestilah dia nak nikahkan kita tapi tak kesampaian kerana panggilan Ilahi."

"Abang ingat sebelum Father pergi Mekah, Abang jumpa dia dan makan sekali dengan dia."

I became even more sad because, "Abang dapat duduk and makan dengan dia but I tak sempat nak berborak before dia pergi Mekah. Lepas balik dari Mekah pun tak sempat bercakap."

Oh, my God. It is so hard to type all this.

Many things ran through my mind like
How my children woundn't get to know their grandFather
Who would kiss me on my forehead on the day of my nikah
etc etc

Up to the point that it made me so angry that my boyfriend didn't wed me earlier!

Me: Kenapa cepat sangat pergi?
People: Sabar, Ectopy. Orang baik memang Tuhan sayang, mati cepat. Dia meninggal pun tak susah.

Dear Father,
Even if you hated me, I love you and I hope you forgive me even though I probably had hurt you for so many times before.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Everything fell into places on the day the Angel of Death took Father's life away from his mortal body (atas izin Allah).

It was a few days after his return from the holy land of Mecca.

I was at work when I received the call. I kinda knew what to expect upon hearing my brother's voice, something urgent, big, something to prepare for the worst.

In the usual state of denial, I kept my hope high, staying optimistic, 'Probably just a heart attack,' I thought to myself.

Noone greeted me at home, I slowly went upstairs, when I saw my sobbing family members and the lifeless body of Father on the bed.

Mother, I still remember, was crying and talking at that same time. Among her words were, "Kenapa pergi cepat sangat", "Menyesal tak dapat minta maaf", "Hati dia baik, dia bersih baru balik Mekah", "Dia tak pernah tinggal makan ubat, selalu ikut cakap doktor", "Apa nak buat ni..."

I checked for Father's pulse, I started CPR on him, but Mother said, "Mana boleh dah...Dia dah tak ada, dah biru..."

Slowly, I left the room, 'Father has gone', and the least I could do for him now was to cover my aurat with the newly imported black jubah and grabbed the Yaasin and recited the surah.

God is Great because it was all well planned.

- My sister was scheduled for home that day. She was already on her way when she found out
- Kain ihram = Kain kapan (but in the end, we used the one supplied by the Masjid)
- Father bought minyak attar, which fragrance d his body
- Since my parents just came back from Hajj, we had cash in hand which was for the people who helped in handling the jenazah. We also distributed the kopiah and tasbih
- There were 4 deaths that day, so we had to wait for our turn for the burial of the grave, which allowed my sister to attend the funeral just in time

I am very satisfied with the whole process. I am proud of my family holding it together.

The next day, my aunt came to me and advised us to do prayers for Father. She was saying that Father had worked so hard to give us a good life.

I broke down because I know she was telling the truth. We weren't very well-off before. Father worked from the bottom up to get us here, to live comfortably but he wasn't able to enjoy what he earned because he left at the tender age of 63.

On the same day, Mother asked me, whether Father would survive if he was taken to the doctor earlier. Honestly, I don't know.

And honestly, I prefer him not dying on the hospital bed. It would be too uncomfortable for him. He would hate the needle pricks, he would hate the wires. I would hate the facts if the doctors are unable to save him. I would hate it if other hospital personnel who are unrelated to Father giving distant, unpersonalized comments about Father.

Father died exactly one year after my maternal grandmother passed away.

Personally, I don't give a damn about the date, I think it is useless. Unless we use the Islamic calendar, then I would appreciate the coincidence better.

But I guess, it is alright, as long as it makes it easier for Mother to remember both of her beloved mother and husband.

No doubt I am extremely sad of Father's passing.

My boyfriend and I had always imagined us being finally blessed. Father had always wanted a grandson, so my boyfriend had repeatedly said that once we got married, a boy would be our first child and Father would make him his favourite grandchild. A bond will form and we will be tight.

Father left too early.

Who will I hug with now that Father won't be there to marry me off to my boyfriend?

And forever I would wonder, what did he pray for, especially for me, when he was performing the Hajj?

Semoga ayah saya mendapat Haji mabrur, meninggal dunia dalam iman.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

the great depressions

Hey hey, I owe you guys the detailed post, I actually already drafted them (yes, more than one) since one day after his passing, but I will only post it when the mood comes. Thank you for all the lovely wishes though.

Today, I have an entirely different mood. Very mixed feelings actually.

I am supposed to go out tonight but my friend cancelled our meeting. I don't mind going alone, but I guess I want to write rather than shop at the moment.

So, many of friends are depressed. And I am depressed too after hearing them depressed. The thing is, I don't know whether I am sad on their behalf, or I am simply sad because I feel like I am being left out, so I force myself to be sad just to be one of them.

First great depression.
One friend is depressed because he is having doubt whether or not to proceed with marriage. He said he thinks his fiance is not being faithful. He wants us to tell the truth, but who are we to judge?
I certainly won't go up the point of telling him that his fiance has been feeding other guys, been bertepuk tampar with other guys, er, because I probably have done the same with my guy friends but somehow my friends don't have a problem with it, but still, I terasa lah okay!

So, here is my thought:
I am being supportive, whatever his decision is.

To be on his side, I would say:
Look, if you are having doubt, if you really think you won't be happy with this relationship, you better break it off now. I don't want you to get married just for the sake that you are already engaged to her. You must remember that you can always leave now, it would be much harder if you suddenly decide to leave after you have screwed her. You have to think, by that time, you might already have kids, or shared properties, or your families might be just too involved, or you just spent too much money on your wedding that is it worth it to get separated by then? It is like cancer, the more you wait, it will spread, and it will just consume you.

On the other hand:
Yes, probably she just craves the attentions from all these guys, which is good, because it means she is desirable but you are the one she is going to marry. You already know she is this type since the very beginning, if you really love her, you should've accepted her who she is, the way she is. I am sure she loves you very much, don't worry too much, they are just her friends, you should trust her. Probably you should spend more time with her. What about you, yourself? Do you have another girl? Are you just making excuses to relief yourself from whatever guilt you are having? She told you that it's nothing, why are you still not convinced?


My friends and I were talking about this but they had two very opposing opinions on this.

My male friend said: I think his fiance is not good enough for him. We, as friends, should tell him the truth. We should help and direct him. Do you want to see our friend suffer in pain? Do you want to lie to him? Do you want your friends to lie or not say things they know, if you were in his shoes?

My female friend pulak said: I don't want to see him. I'm scared if I accidentally tell him things that I shouldn't be telling. I don't want to be the cause of their break-up. This is their lives, they should settle it themselves. I don't want to be involved.

Now, do you understand why is this such a dilemma?

Second great depression.
One friend is depressed because of work. He feels unhappy at work and suddenly went missing for a few days. I tried calling for so many times, I thought he lost his mobile phone. I joked around telling people that he probably literally ran away from work.

I had no idea I had psychic power because that exactly what happened. After three days of trying to contact him, he finally answered my call. "Where have you been?" I asked. He said something big had happened and he can't tell me over the phone. We were supposed to meet but circumstances did not permit.

Finally, we just had the talk over the phone and I was so shocked with the whole story that I didn't even know how to respond. I ended up scolding him and said that his decision was bad that it will hunt him for life. Now that I am writing this, I feel bad for not being so supportive.

The good thing is, after the conversation, I actually feel envy. At least he had the guts to say, "I need a break from all this shit," and took a flight to Singapore a few hours later.

"You know, this is not Europe where flight tickets are cheap and you can travel without a passport," I told him. His sense of humour was still intact, "With AirAsia, everyone can fly!"

He should've invited me along for that impromptu trip. I would've accompanied him. We are each other's travel partners!

What bothers me is that he hesitated to tell me about his problem. We are tight, so it shouldn't be an issue of me judging me. Am I not his close friend anymore?

The only explanation I can find is when he told me that one of the early triggers was right after he took an emergency leave to pay me a visit after Father's death. He was probably dying to talk to me but I was in a much greater distress that staying quiet and focusing it all on me was the least he could do.

He said it's not so much of him unable to execute or accomplish the targets of his work, it's just that he is not happy doing it. He keeps thinking whether is this the life he wants, whether is this his dream job. In a way, I admire how he takes charge of his life, in determination to be happy.

Third great depression.
One friend is depressed because he was attacked by her colleague on Facebook. Her colleague have openly expressed her dislike and disgust towards her. Being reasonable, I think her colleague might have her reasons for calling my friend 'bossy' and 'berlagak', but this is my friend we are talking about, so I am taking my friend's side. Of course, at the same time, I am trying to make my friend realize why the help she is thinking giving, are not being appreciated and is being misinterpreted although she means well.

The good news is, she is also going out with this one or two guys that she cannot choose whom she wants. Oh, how I miss being single and being sought after and going out with different guys. Oh, how I miss those tingling feeling of prettiness, those excitements. The courting part is always wonderful!

Anyway, speaking of cat-fight, I have my own version last week. It's more to high-school mean girls type actually. There this one girl that almost everybody hates. I tried being diplomatic everytime we talked about her since she never really directly did anything to annoy/ hurt me. In fact, she was actually quite a sweet thing, if you did not know her (cue to roll my eyes).

Basically, I spoke too soon and she did something to me. My friend quickly reported her bitchiness to me, so I was like, "I thought she has no issue with me!". The reply I got from my friend was, "Ectopy, she has no issue with you, but she just does this to everybody."

So, in the end, I became the member of the hate club. The situation got heated when she messed with the wrong girl, the one who actually speaks her mind. So this other colleague of mine burst and frankly told her that nobody liked her.

This story was fired up very quickly and everybody knows. No more hiding their hatred, that it got public to Facebook, not so direct but still obvious. (This remind me of my third depressed friend)

The little sweet thing was totally oblivious about the fact she has no friends (duh!) and she finally received the shock of her life (snickers snickers). She digested it all for three days and subsequently asked for apologies.

And all the while I was not totally depressed. What lah me! The end.

I was thinking of replying her apology message, but nah, I never was really bothered in the first place. Chapter closed.

My life now is not dramatic at all. My boyfriend is out of radar again, I couldn't contact him and that's why I decided to call my friends for updates. In the end, I get a depression because I have a stable life. Ectopy, be careful of what you are wishing for!

P/S: The other day, I went to a wedding which was planned by Pak Engku. I didn't know how he looks like until he gave me his business card out of nowhere. My friend said, "Nampak sangat muka kau ni muka tak kahwin lagi." With a great comeback, I said, "At least muka aku ni nampak berduitlah, nampak macam bolehlah nak afford dia as my wedding planner."
And we broke into laughters. Bilalah aku nak kahwin ni...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Pertamanya, saya tidak dapat memahami orang-orang picisan yang berlagak hebat semata-mata mereka bekerja untuk orang hebat, lalu secara tidak langsung, mereka mengenali orang-orang hebat, padahal diri sendiri seorang rakyat jelata yang biasa-biasa sahaja.

"Enjoying the power," as one of my friends put it.

Saya juga tidak memahami orang-orang hebat yang melayan permintaan 'ridiculous' orang-orang yang kurang hebat. Mungkin mereka menjalankan tanggungjawab 'berjiwa rakyat' agaknya.

Natijahnya, rakyat picisan yang tidak mempunyai apa-apa tapi perasan hebat, mulalah naik kepala kerana mendapat layanan istimewa.

Ini tidak adil!

1) Semua orang berhak mendapat layanan sama rata. Miskin atau kaya, sama saja! Itu prinsip saya! Walaupun anda cakap anda adalah rakan baik kepada sekian sekian, ada aku kisah?

2) To begin with, you are not even that great. Setakat pernah berkhidmat untuk sekian sekian, hebat sangat ke? Entah-entah, you pun pernah berkhidmat untuk bapak aku! Kawan-kawan I tu siap ada pertalian darah secara terus (direct) dengan Tan Sri, Dato', Sultan, tapi tak kecoh pun. You don't know because we don't tell. If you knew, you'd be ashamed.

3) Hah, orang-orang atasan ni pun suka melayan orang-orang yang buat kecoh tak tentu pasal semata-mata takut isu tersebut sampai ke peringkat antarabangsa agaknya. Kalau ikut sabda Nabi, baginda cakap lebih kurang macam ni lah maksudnya, "Jangan berdebat dengan orang bodoh."
Tahu kenapa? Sebab, perbuatan berdebat, atau dalam konteks sekarang ini, melayan orang bodoh, bukan sahaja perbuatan yang membuang masa, malah kita pun boleh tertarik jadi bodoh sekali.
Orang bodoh takkan menerima pendapat orang lain. Orang bodoh suka memutar belit. Orang bodoh tidak akan faham perbualan intelek. Orang bodoh adalah bodoh pemikiran dan bodoh sikap. Jikalau hendak berbahas dengan orang bodoh, we have to lower our intellectual to their level. So, do you want to associate yourself with stupid people?

My staff said, "Eh, dia tu nampak educated juga. Cakap English!"

I said, "Akak, setakat cakap English tu, driver taxi pun pandai cakap...Tak apa, nanti Tuhan balas...Satu hari nanti dia akan rasa apa yang kita rasa..."

What makes me stay grounded is when my staff said this: Kalau dia tak rasa pun, mak ayah dia, anak-anak dia akan rasa. Akak dah lama dah kerja, dah banyak kali akak tengok. Percayalah, Tuhan balas sekejap je, kalau tidak pada dia, pada kaum keluarga dia.

That was the drama last week.

Yesterday, I was under pressure to finish work. I was trying my best to do it all, while my boss just stood there watching and said, "What is it taking you so long?"

Sangat marah!

My other staff, an elderly, could have been as old as my aunt, sat down and said this, "Kenapalah awak pilih kerja ni? Kita kena pilih kerja yang buat kita happy."

Off she continued her lecture on how we must take care of our parents, how she took care of her paralysed father-in-law for 10 years without any health complications, how she was able to go on holidays with a stroke patient, how successful her children are and how proud her husband would have been if he was still alive to see them.

And I broke down.

So I said, "Sorry, kak, saya sedih sebab ayah saya baru meninggal."

My colleague saw, asked what happened, I told him, "Nothing, I was just reminded about my father."

Later on, I excused myself to the toilet and gathered my courage to face the day.