Hey hey, I owe you guys the detailed post, I actually already drafted them (yes, more than one) since one day after his passing, but I will only post it when the mood comes. Thank you for all the lovely wishes though.
Today, I have an entirely different mood. Very mixed feelings actually.
I am supposed to go out tonight but my friend cancelled our meeting. I don't mind going alone, but I guess I want to write rather than shop at the moment.
So, many of friends are depressed. And I am depressed too after hearing them depressed. The thing is, I don't know whether I am sad on their behalf, or I am simply sad because I feel like I am being left out, so I force myself to be sad just to be one of them.
First great depression.
One friend is depressed because he is having doubt whether or not to proceed with marriage. He said he thinks his fiance is not being faithful. He wants us to tell the truth, but who are we to judge?
I certainly won't go up the point of telling him that his fiance has been feeding other guys, been bertepuk tampar with other guys, er, because I probably have done the same with my guy friends but somehow my friends don't have a problem with it, but still, I terasa lah okay!
So, here is my thought:
I am being supportive, whatever his decision is.
To be on his side, I would say:
Look, if you are having doubt, if you really think you won't be happy with this relationship, you better break it off now. I don't want you to get married just for the sake that you are already engaged to her. You must remember that you can always leave now, it would be much harder if you suddenly decide to leave after you have screwed her. You have to think, by that time, you might already have kids, or shared properties, or your families might be just too involved, or you just spent too much money on your wedding that is it worth it to get separated by then? It is like cancer, the more you wait, it will spread, and it will just consume you.
On the other hand:
Yes, probably she just craves the attentions from all these guys, which is good, because it means she is desirable but you are the one she is going to marry. You already know she is this type since the very beginning, if you really love her, you should've accepted her who she is, the way she is. I am sure she loves you very much, don't worry too much, they are just her friends, you should trust her. Probably you should spend more time with her. What about you, yourself? Do you have another girl? Are you just making excuses to relief yourself from whatever guilt you are having? She told you that it's nothing, why are you still not convinced?
My friends and I were talking about this but they had two very opposing opinions on this.
My male friend said: I think his fiance is not good enough for him. We, as friends, should tell him the truth. We should help and direct him. Do you want to see our friend suffer in pain? Do you want to lie to him? Do you want your friends to lie or not say things they know, if you were in his shoes?
My female friend pulak said: I don't want to see him. I'm scared if I accidentally tell him things that I shouldn't be telling. I don't want to be the cause of their break-up. This is their lives, they should settle it themselves. I don't want to be involved.
Now, do you understand why is this such a dilemma?
Second great depression.
One friend is depressed because of work. He feels unhappy at work and suddenly went missing for a few days. I tried calling for so many times, I thought he lost his mobile phone. I joked around telling people that he probably literally ran away from work.
I had no idea I had psychic power because that exactly what happened. After three days of trying to contact him, he finally answered my call. "Where have you been?" I asked. He said something big had happened and he can't tell me over the phone. We were supposed to meet but circumstances did not permit.
Finally, we just had the talk over the phone and I was so shocked with the whole story that I didn't even know how to respond. I ended up scolding him and said that his decision was bad that it will hunt him for life. Now that I am writing this, I feel bad for not being so supportive.
The good thing is, after the conversation, I actually feel envy. At least he had the guts to say, "I need a break from all this shit," and took a flight to Singapore a few hours later.
"You know, this is not Europe where flight tickets are cheap and you can travel without a passport," I told him. His sense of humour was still intact, "With AirAsia, everyone can fly!"
He should've invited me along for that impromptu trip. I would've accompanied him. We are each other's travel partners!
What bothers me is that he hesitated to tell me about his problem. We are tight, so it shouldn't be an issue of me judging me. Am I not his close friend anymore?
The only explanation I can find is when he told me that one of the early triggers was right after he took an emergency leave to pay me a visit after Father's death. He was probably dying to talk to me but I was in a much greater distress that staying quiet and focusing it all on me was the least he could do.
He said it's not so much of him unable to execute or accomplish the targets of his work, it's just that he is not happy doing it. He keeps thinking whether is this the life he wants, whether is this his dream job. In a way, I admire how he takes charge of his life, in determination to be happy.
Third great depression.
One friend is depressed because he was attacked by her colleague on Facebook. Her colleague have openly expressed her dislike and disgust towards her. Being reasonable, I think her colleague might have her reasons for calling my friend 'bossy' and 'berlagak', but this is my friend we are talking about, so I am taking my friend's side. Of course, at the same time, I am trying to make my friend realize why the help she is thinking giving, are not being appreciated and is being misinterpreted although she means well.
The good news is, she is also going out with this one or two guys that she cannot choose whom she wants. Oh, how I miss being single and being sought after and going out with different guys. Oh, how I miss those tingling feeling of prettiness, those excitements. The courting part is always wonderful!
Anyway, speaking of cat-fight, I have my own version last week. It's more to high-school mean girls type actually. There this one girl that almost everybody hates. I tried being diplomatic everytime we talked about her since she never really directly did anything to annoy/ hurt me. In fact, she was actually quite a sweet thing, if you did not know her (cue to roll my eyes).
Basically, I spoke too soon and she did something to me. My friend quickly reported her bitchiness to me, so I was like, "I thought she has no issue with me!". The reply I got from my friend was, "Ectopy, she has no issue with you, but she just does this to everybody."
So, in the end, I became the member of the hate club. The situation got heated when she messed with the wrong girl, the one who actually speaks her mind. So this other colleague of mine burst and frankly told her that nobody liked her.
This story was fired up very quickly and everybody knows. No more hiding their hatred, that it got public to Facebook, not so direct but still obvious. (This remind me of my third depressed friend)
The little sweet thing was totally oblivious about the fact she has no friends (duh!) and she finally received the shock of her life (snickers snickers). She digested it all for three days and subsequently asked for apologies.
And all the while I was not totally depressed. What lah me! The end.
I was thinking of replying her apology message, but nah, I never was really bothered in the first place. Chapter closed.
My life now is not dramatic at all. My boyfriend is out of radar again, I couldn't contact him and that's why I decided to call my friends for updates. In the end, I get a depression because I have a stable life. Ectopy, be careful of what you are wishing for!
P/S: The other day, I went to a wedding which was planned by Pak Engku. I didn't know how he looks like until he gave me his business card out of nowhere. My friend said, "Nampak sangat muka kau ni muka tak kahwin lagi." With a great comeback, I said, "At least muka aku ni nampak berduitlah, nampak macam bolehlah nak afford dia as my wedding planner."
And we broke into laughters. Bilalah aku nak kahwin ni...
13 hours ago