Sunday, January 23, 2011

(Note: The previous post was written one day after his death. This was written about two weeks after)

Today is only a few days after 2 weeks of Father's passing.

I went back to work three days after is burial. I was strong. Like I said before, I keep telling myself that probably it was better for him to go when he was at home.

I was at the hospital the other day. I stood by a client's side when the doctor told the patient's family the devastating news.
"Orang, kalau dah lebih usia 50tahun, jantungnya akan jadi lemah."
Immediately, my eyes were filled up with tears. 'But this patient is still young. Father was still young!' I thought to myself. I excused myself and gathered the courage to face the day.

The next day, I learned that that particular client of mine passed away. For the first time of my life, I felt so attached to her, that I sobbed uncontrollably = she just reminded me so much of Father.

One lonely night, I laid on my bed. At the end of the line, was my ever faithful boyfriend, who accompanied my sleepless night. Softly, I told him my many regrets,

I was half-convinced that Father hated me.

"Abang, Abang rasa Father lebih sanggup mati daripada nikahkan I dengan you?"
Probably that was his wish. He was against us so much, probably that was Father's doa in front of the Kaabah.

My boyfriend said: "Sayang tak boleh fikir macam tu. Semua kerja Tuhan. Awal atau lewat mati. Father doa yang terbaik untuk anak dia. Supaya awak dapat suami yang soleh. Father dah restu perkahwinan kita. Family you pun dah boleh terima Abang. Mestilah dia nak nikahkan kita tapi tak kesampaian kerana panggilan Ilahi."

"Abang ingat sebelum Father pergi Mekah, Abang jumpa dia dan makan sekali dengan dia."

I became even more sad because, "Abang dapat duduk and makan dengan dia but I tak sempat nak berborak before dia pergi Mekah. Lepas balik dari Mekah pun tak sempat bercakap."

Oh, my God. It is so hard to type all this.

Many things ran through my mind like
How my children woundn't get to know their grandFather
Who would kiss me on my forehead on the day of my nikah
etc etc

Up to the point that it made me so angry that my boyfriend didn't wed me earlier!

Me: Kenapa cepat sangat pergi?
People: Sabar, Ectopy. Orang baik memang Tuhan sayang, mati cepat. Dia meninggal pun tak susah.

Dear Father,
Even if you hated me, I love you and I hope you forgive me even though I probably had hurt you for so many times before.


a_Jay said...

your last few lines successfully make me cries..i think all of us will feel the same as we lost our loves one..

Moose said...

oh ectopy, just read your entry.


al-fatihah to your father.

be strong dear. hugs.

maman said...

nope. uncle tak hate lah. no matter what we do, our parents will love us. hanya kadang kadang stress jer pasal kiter yg tak cukup makan garam ni degil.. tu jer.
al fatihah utk arwah. . i lost my dad too when he was 63. it gets easier with time.
stay strong .

qahina said...

Ectopy, I'm so sorry to learn that. Al fatihah to your father.
Just remember the good times you've had so you won't think of what you're missing. Take care.

lollies said...

May Allah forgive him and place him among the pious.

I had trouble with my mum too. I have always thought she hated me. And that I am a bad daughter.

The truth is I was angry at her for not understanding me. (ada certain issues). Someone told me to forgive her. To truly forgive her then you will see beyond everything that she actually loves you. I have forgiven her. I ask Allah that she has forgiven me too.

meanwhile while i am still alive, I hope to make some deeds for her. A dua, continous charity in her name. So much we can do. I hope Allah accept the deed and that in yaumul akhirah, she will be surprised on the hasanat that she has accumulated and do not know where she gets it from.

I am sorry for your loss.