home'less'

I only have one home. By my definition, my home is where my parents live.

I've been living in this house for three years and it is still not my home. It is difficult for me to fill up my refridgerator with groceries and I never feel like my wardrobe is complete.


Because I live alone, I am constantly thinking what if I could not finish the food by myself. What if I need to go outstation and all the food will be left to rot in the fridge.
When shopping, I resist to buy some things because I have those securely kept in my parents' house. I always stand before my wardrobe, thinking how I wish I was home so I could put on the clothes/ shoes/ handbags which I left at my parents' house to match with what I have in the cupboard.
Since I still don't consider this as my home, I don't bother to decorate the space and the kitchen utensils are minimal.


My poems, photo albums, my collection of books, my memories, there are all in my home, not in this house.


I may not have the chance to live with my parents after this. So I desperately need to find my own home. Somewhere where I could call my room my sanctuary. Somewhere where everything is within my home so I wouldn't have to go out just because I feel like eating chocolates or because I have the cereals but not the milk or my nasi ayam tastes weird because I did not saute the garlics because I don't keep enough stock in my house. Somewhere where I could have a wardrobe big enough for all my clothes so I could organize them neatly according to baju tidur, baju lepak, baju evening function, baju sporty, baju formal/ kerja, baju kurung...


Most importantly, somewhere big enough for my 6 children (ehem, ehem) and I don't ever have to move out from that house because I simply hate moving and I suck at adjusting myself to feel like home all over again.


There are two factors which are preventing me from living in my dream home. First, of course, financially, I still could not afford at least a semi-D with a large compound. Secondly, the decision must be discussed with my future husband and currently, we still have our differences in terms of location and the number of children I should give birth to (haha!).