Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I laugh.

"So, how are things going on with you and your boyfriend?" a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in weeks, asked.

As usual, I smiled happily, "We are doing great! I already met his parents, and he met mine."


I nodded and lied, "Both visits went fine..."

I lied because he is not a bestfriend. Besides, my boyfriend wants me to keep things between us only. I too, think, this is a personal matter.

"So, the families are fine with you guys?" he asked.

"Yes. His parents like me. They are very nice..."

I hoped he would be satisfied with the answer and wouldn't go any specific, but he did. "What about your parents?"

"They are okay..." I am not sure whether I was in denial or was that the answer I would like things to be?.

"Because you know...I read your father's blog..." my friend kept his eyes on the road, he was driving.

Luckily, there were only the two of us in the car. I would die if he decided to discuss this in front of anybody else!

"Oh, yeah? Hmm...Yeah, that's how he feel about us, then..." My face was hot. I know father wrote about his disapproval in his blog, but I didn't know my friends are reading it!

They must have thought I am such an anak derhaka!

Could you understand how I feel? Father dooesn't talk to me but he writes in his blog for the whole world to know how I have disappointed him, how I hurt mother etc. Why can't he write anonymously like I do? Why must he publish the letters he sent to me in his blog?


"I like reading his blog. I find it very interesting. I like the issues discussed in his blog," my friend probably wanted the conversation to be less awkward.

We were stopped at the traffic lights and I was still searching for the right words.
The long silence was broken by my friend, continuing asking, "So how?"

"Howwwww???" I repeated the question, more to myself.
"What do you want me to do? Stay saja lah in the relationship. Takkan you nak I break up? Like Girl and Boy?"

"Why did they break up actually?"

"Girl's parents don't like Boy. Boy thinks, what's the point of being in the relationship when they both know what's going to happen in the end. Girl's parents will not accept him. He doesn't like to be rejected by her parents, because he is an orphan himself, since he was a child. He wants to feel a parent's love. He couldn't achieve it if he was with Girl."

"That's a pity," my friend said. I somehow was glad the conversation steered away from my life.
To keep things less serious, I asked if he was able to introduce me to his friends. I was joking. I don't know whether he knew I was joking. I didn't care. At least he would think I am doing something to please my parents.

We were talking about something, when I laughed.

"How could you be laughing?"

"Habis tu...Takkan I nak nangis? Laughter. It's a tool to hide my real emotions," I answered honestly.

"It's a bad tool," he said.

Betul. Tapi, takkan nak suruh I nangis? I am not very expressive. That defines me.

I'm pretty sure he has told my other friends to read father's blog.

Because now, there is already another friend confessing that she reads father's blog. She even advised me to dump my boyfriend because she said parents are always right.

I wish to tell them, "You don't know my side of story yet. How could I tell you how mean my parents have been to my boyfriend? They are my parents."

I joke and change the topic instead, everytime.

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