I am a Muslim.

"Abang, I feel like dancing. I wanna go clubbing," I said.
"Kenapa tiba-tiba?"
"Entah...Mengidam pula tonight," I chuckled. "Can you imagine if I were pregnant and suddenly I wanted to go clubbing? Maklumlah...Dah mengidam..."
"Ye la tu! You duduk rumah, baca Quran!"
"I tahulah...Nanti besar, anak dalam perut jadi kaki clubbing," I said followed by a pause, before I continued to say, "Eleh...You tak bagi I selalu clubbing, but when you were my age, you lagi banyak clubbing dari I!"
"I lain...I entertain orang..."
"Jangan nak tipu....You tak pernah entertain orang dekat clubs...You clubbing suka-suka you je!"
"Haha! You know me too well..."

When I was in primary school, I only wore baju kurung on Fridays.
Since little, I was told, "Disco itu haram. Rumah syaitan".

In Standard 4, I started to wear more baju kurung than pinafores. Peer pressures. More and more friends were wearing baju kurung instead of pinafores. Besides, I was still not lady-like. One teacher scolded me for not sitting properly and let everybody see my panties. Budak lagi katakan...

I remember I had a talk with a friend of mine, "Bila nak pakai tudung?" We agreed to start wearing tudung after we finish school.

In standard 6, I wore the tudung after an ustazah brain-washed us. My friends started to cover their heads. Again, peer pressures. Mother was surprised but didn't object. I still remember, in my class, there were only 5 hijab-less girls. (My classmates were all Muslims).
This is the time when most children, or shall I say, adolescents try to develop their own identities. They want to think and decide for themselves. They want to be accepted.
I only wore tudung to school.
One day, I decided not to wear skirts outside of the house.
I remember looking at my red skirt and put it on one side, the side of 'clothes to be worn at home only'. Saya sudah besar...I thought to myself.

At 13, mother wanted to buy pinafores for me but I protested.
"You want to wear tudung to school? Your cousin is 17 and she still wears pinafores! Mengada-ngadalah kamu ni," mother said.
I was a late bloomer. My period didn't come yet and I remember how happy I was to think, "Saya tak berdosa kalau tak sembahyang. Saya kan belum baligh!"

At 14, I wanted to wear tudung permanently because one my bestfriends just decided to wear it full-time.
Mother said, "Suka hati kamulah..."
A tiny voice inside me said, "Kata nak mula pakai tudung lepas habis sekolah..." but I knew it was time for me to cover my aurat.

At 16, I was transferred to a new school. It was compulsory for the Muslims to wear tudung. The school had many other strict rules. I became rebellious. This is the time when I started to ditch tudung. Some schoolmates talked about me behind my back, but I just didn't care. I do what what I want.
I learned the word 'clubbing' this year from a friend who told me about how her parents met (in a club) and how they dated (clubbing together) before they got married.

After school, I was sponsored by the government to further my studies abroad. I wore tudung because because everybody else did. Most of them didn't wear tudung outside the college though, just like me! So, I didn't feel indifferent. It felt normal to me.

Besides, how was I supposed to go clubbing with a tudung on?

I remember the first time I went clubbing. I was in the line, excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because, "I am entering rumah setan! Oh my God, I am so gonna be burnt in hell! Does this mean my solat won't be accepted for the next 40 days? Really? But I won't drink, I just come here to dance. Besides, somebody else is paying this for me. I am not using my own money, the money that is meant for study purposes, to jalan kemungkaran."

The next few visits, I made sure somebody was willing to pay for me. Or, I would only go when it is free. The truth is, until today, I never pay to go clubbing.

During college, I refused to study in the library because it is a public place where men would look at my aurat and I would accumulate sins by not covering myself. I thought, 'I've had enough sins going to clubs and going out without wearing tudung. Hence, I would hide myself from men of non-muhrim where and when possible. It's not like I can't study in my room...'

I went to study abroad and started to become permanently tudung-less.

Mother and father who used to advice me to take my tudung off because 'You are still young,' now wanted me to wear tudung.

I declined.
I started to wear skirts and shorts outside of the house again after so many years.

Mother and father were surprised but didn't actively forbid me. They just said, "Dah besar pun nak pakai skirt? Dulu nak sangat pakai tudung!"
"Sekarang tengah cantiklah nak pakai sexy...Nanti dah tua, orang cakap buang tebiat pula," I defended myself.

I promised myself I would wear the tudung when I reached 23.
23 came and went. Solat started to become less than 5 per day.

The guilt I had before going to clubs is no longer there. I compromised myself. A club, bar, disco...Tak apa masuk rumah setan kalau tak buat benda setan, kan?

But I still have the mentality of, "I've had enough sins revealing myself, holding and kissing my boyfriend and etc. Hence, I would try to avoid to do MORE sins when possible."
Which is why I don't shape my eyebrows.
And why I want to get married!

P/S: Still working on my 5 solat per day.

Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love

If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I`m standin` on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you

If I wake up in world war 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It`s okay if you coming` with me

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I lose my fame and fortune
And I`m homeless on the street
And I`m sleepin` in Grand Central Station
It`s okay if you`re sleepin` with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other`s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It`s okay as long as I got you babe

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I should die this very day
Don`t cry, cause on earth we wasn`t meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I`ll be waiting for you after the judgement day

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldnt hold us

Don't envy us.

A person envies us, envies our relationship.
A person envies the determination my boyfriend has, the things he does to win me.

I was flattered.
If that person has faith in us, why shouldn't we have faith in us?

I cried thinking how blessed I am.
I cried thinking how fear I am.

I fear the nice things will come to an end.
I fear if we won't make it.

So, to that person:
Please don't envy us. We might not reach our happy endings. Do you want to be like us then?

From time to time, I receive SMSes from a man in his forties. Because of our age difference and his appearance (he looks wise and decent), I trust him to be professional and platonic with our friend/ relationship (we are not exactly friends). I didn't hesitate to exchange phone numbers with him. I think of him as an acquiantance, a brother, or probably an uncle (?). Besides, he is single. I asked him why, but he never answers. I thought he was gay.

But lately, what bothers me is, the word 'sayang' he includes in the SMSes.

For example, last few days, he wished me Happy Aidilfitri, to which I replied: Baru sekarang bagi SMS raya? I prefer duit raya!
"Ala saje, ingat you," was his reply.
Okay, that was it. I didn't reply. What else should I say? There's nothing else to be said.
But he sent me another SMS, telling that he is having a headache. "Kalau you sentuh boleh cepat pulih".
"Me? As if I have magic hands. Go to sleep and you'll be fine," I replied. Platonic or not?
"Banyak rahsia sentuhan tau, nanti you belajar la...Bye sayang."

He is a good man, and wise, like I mentioned earlier. But I told him many times before that I have a boyfriend and I am seriously involved with him.

I am not cheating because my boyfriend knows about him and everytime I get his SMSes, I would tell my boyfriend. I rarely contact this guy, more like, once a month, and everytime, he is the one who initiates the contact.

Sometimes, it is flattering to know someone fancies you. But this guy gives me the shivers, not in a creepy kind of way, and my boyfriend does not know this.

I have the feeling he is the kind of guy who turns up at your parents' house, out of sudden merisik or masuk meminang.

So, maybe I am just being paranoid, but I don't know, I just have that feeling and other men don't give me this kind of feeling.

Why? Why? Why?

He doesn't harrass me with contant calls/ SMSes, he has never confessed his love towards me, just a few 'sayang' here and there. I know I shouldn't take it seriously because that could be his style communicating with women but why do I feel like this? Is this what we call, a woman's instinct?

He once mentioned he wanted me, he said he would wait for me, but I took it as a joke. Adakah saya seorang yang perasan?

I don't know.

Entahlah...Maybe because he is sort of alim-alim and you know la what alim people do...Suddenly without warning, "Ana mahu kahwin dengan ente (or is it anta? Whatever la, I don't know Arabic!)"

Tapi saya tak cukup alim, jadi jangan kahwin dengan saya!

He doesn't know where I live, so thank God.

Anyway, lately I have been so distant with God. For the past two years, it has been difficult for me to find the time to recite the Quran. After reading hansac's blog, I am determined to improve my relationship with God. Baca Quran berlagu-lagu...Solat tak boleh tinggal...

Tapi susah sangat nak pakai tudung.

Sometimes, when I am out and about wearing skirts, it is difficult for me to enter the surau to perform my solat. People always look. I feel like I am such a disgrace, dressing inappropriately in a surau.

I end up missing my solat.

I know I should give up wearing skirts or shorts, but...

Iman nipis...

I laugh.

"So, how are things going on with you and your boyfriend?" a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in weeks, asked.

As usual, I smiled happily, "We are doing great! I already met his parents, and he met mine."

"Really?"

I nodded and lied, "Both visits went fine..."

I lied because he is not a bestfriend. Besides, my boyfriend wants me to keep things between us only. I too, think, this is a personal matter.

"So, the families are fine with you guys?" he asked.

"Yes. His parents like me. They are very nice..."

I hoped he would be satisfied with the answer and wouldn't go any specific, but he did. "What about your parents?"

"They are okay..." I am not sure whether I was in denial or was that the answer I would like things to be?.

"Because you know...I read your father's blog..." my friend kept his eyes on the road, he was driving.

Luckily, there were only the two of us in the car. I would die if he decided to discuss this in front of anybody else!

"Oh, yeah? Hmm...Yeah, that's how he feel about us, then..." My face was hot. I know father wrote about his disapproval in his blog, but I didn't know my friends are reading it!

They must have thought I am such an anak derhaka!

Could you understand how I feel? Father dooesn't talk to me but he writes in his blog for the whole world to know how I have disappointed him, how I hurt mother etc. Why can't he write anonymously like I do? Why must he publish the letters he sent to me in his blog?

Bullocks.

"I like reading his blog. I find it very interesting. I like the issues discussed in his blog," my friend probably wanted the conversation to be less awkward.

We were stopped at the traffic lights and I was still searching for the right words.
The long silence was broken by my friend, continuing asking, "So how?"

"Howwwww???" I repeated the question, more to myself.
"What do you want me to do? Stay saja lah in the relationship. Takkan you nak I break up? Like Girl and Boy?"

"Why did they break up actually?"

"Girl's parents don't like Boy. Boy thinks, what's the point of being in the relationship when they both know what's going to happen in the end. Girl's parents will not accept him. He doesn't like to be rejected by her parents, because he is an orphan himself, since he was a child. He wants to feel a parent's love. He couldn't achieve it if he was with Girl."

"That's a pity," my friend said. I somehow was glad the conversation steered away from my life.
To keep things less serious, I asked if he was able to introduce me to his friends. I was joking. I don't know whether he knew I was joking. I didn't care. At least he would think I am doing something to please my parents.

We were talking about something, when I laughed.

"How could you be laughing?"

"Habis tu...Takkan I nak nangis? Laughter. It's a tool to hide my real emotions," I answered honestly.

"It's a bad tool," he said.

Betul. Tapi, takkan nak suruh I nangis? I am not very expressive. That defines me.

I'm pretty sure he has told my other friends to read father's blog.

Because now, there is already another friend confessing that she reads father's blog. She even advised me to dump my boyfriend because she said parents are always right.

I wish to tell them, "You don't know my side of story yet. How could I tell you how mean my parents have been to my boyfriend? They are my parents."

I joke and change the topic instead, everytime.

The first love.

Okay, my Sunday is wasted by staring at my laptop for the whole day and reading blogs.

And I am writing the third entry for today!

I sent an e-mail to my ex-boyfriend. Because I read somewhere that it is a sin to memutuskan silaturrahim.
We broke up in 2002 and stayed friends until last year. My heart broke into pieces when he announced that he was getting married. I was so hurt, I requested for him to stop contacting me ever again.

Why DID I still have feelings for him? He was well-liked by everybody. My parents adored him. I wanted us to separate because I DID NOT believe the relationship could withstand the distance. He disagreed. But, one day, he said it was time to let me go.

Within a year after the break up, I still felt like I was his girl. We were mushy to each other. I was happy. Despite the distance, our love rekindled, or so I thought.

One day, he came to my house and we went out. I thought it was a date. I thought he would ask me to get back together.

While he was driving, I took his mobile phone and read his messages. I read a few messages from the same number. The number was familiar. The number was very similar to his.

My mind was running wild. This must be his special girl. Couples usually have similar numbers!

Although I was sad, I didn't let the messages bother me. I went with the flow. I stayed positive, there must be a good reason for those SMSes, I was trying to convonce myself. We kissed. He must still have feelings for me. I even gave him a hand-job! That was my first time doing it. I thought I was winning his heart. How naive I was...

He sent me home. I was unsatisfied because he didn't say anything about us getting back together even though he kissed me and all. I called HER number. I didn't talk to her. I didn't have the courage. But I did try to call her a few times that night.

Then, he called me. He said I had been calling her number. Correct! He was mad, he didn't allow me to call her again.

I was mad at first. I demanded an explaination. I thought he was single all along. For one year I had been fooled. And to think that I just had given him a hand job made feel more disgusted about myself. Not him. I loved him too much.

I was such a fool.

I cried so much that night. I am crying now because I was so hurt. How could he not tell me about this other woman? And apparently, his new girlfriend never know about my existance either. I really thought he would choose me over her.

I felt so unpretty, so dirty, so unwanted. It was pathetic. I almost begged for him to choose me. Never in my life before, I was so much in pain, like the one he caused me.

I acted like a crazy woman. I cursed him and hoped he will rot in hell. There was nothing he could do to console me. I felt so cheated. I felt used. He used me.

I never say this to him, but I wish I said, "You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me. You said you wanted my baby. How could you? You said you were madly in love with me! Me! You even gave me a ring and proposed to me!"

For the next two weeks, I felt so alone. I didn't tell anybody because I was ashamed. All my friends thought I was completely over him, so, what would I tell them about how furious I was when he decided I was not his The One.

I told myself that I am better off without him.

He said he was sorry and hoped we still could be friends. We were friends even though I hate him so much.

I couldn't take it anymore when he said he was getting married. That's why I ended it.

I wondered and pondered about him every now and then. My new-found love is way much better than him, and I hope he would be jealous of us (even though we haven't reached our happy ending YET).

Sometimes, I become so bitter, I hope their marriage doesn't work out. But, I quickly realize, as much as I want my ex-boyfriend to be miserable, I don't want his wife to suffer. I believe she is a good person. She is probably the right person for my ex-boyfriend because she might have changed my ex-boyfriend to become a better person. I hope my ex-boyfriend will stay loyal to her, no more cheating.

I never reveal to his wife about what he had done to her and to me. I opt to not interfere.

The e-mail I sent to him just now was just to let him know that I am sorry for breaking our so-called friendship. I hope he forgives me and we could be friends again.

Just friends.

Glad?

I know a Jew for three years. I guess, in that three years, it never crossed his mind that I am a Muslim. Blame me, it is my fault.

A conversation led to this.

Him: So are you a Muslim?
Me: Yes, I am.
Him: So, why don't you wear the hijab?
Me: Well, a lot of Muslims don't wear the hijab!
Him: No, no, I mean, I am glad that you decide to get rid of the hijab to become equal to the men.
Me: I am not getting rid of the hijab! It is just, well, it is my upbringing.

Offence 1: Not explaining the actual reason of not wearing the hijab. No, it is not the religion. It is me, who is so stubborn to follow God's rules. I am a bad Muslim.

Offence 2: Blaming my upbringing because I was too lazy to explain into such depth on why I don't wear the hijab, hence, my upbringing was the simplest answer I could think of at that moment.

Offence 3: How could I know a person for three years but he never knew I am a Muslim! He was not exactly a friend, and we rarely talked to each other except for the past 6 months, but we know each other, and I damn well know he is a Jew! It is probably my lack of commitment towards the religion. I am guilty.

I actually was a bit offended when he said he was GLAD that I didn't wear the hijab. I felt so bad, so sinful.

I probably should start to wear one.

In two years time.

My bestfriend's wedding.

A few years back, one of my bestfriends got married. I didn't attend her engagement ceremony because I was abroad, and I did not attend her wedding because again, I was not in the country. I was sad, but I coaxed myself, "I do this for my future".

Another bestfriend is getting married soon. I will not be able to attend her wedding. Last night was horrible, I cried myself to sleep because I so miss my teenage years. Her words, "You have to come! You are my bestfriend!"

Yes, I am her bestfriend, she is my bestfriend. But I come and go often, missing bits and pieces a lot. I no longer know her deepest secrets like I used to. We no longer chat for hours because we just don't have the time.

I felt lonely last night. Even my boyfriend failed to make me feel better. I whined, "I don't have best friends!" and sobbed. He said I could find new ones. How could he?!

Best friends are hard to find, and to find new bestfriends is even harder. I am at the stage where everybody has developed their sets of close friends. Besides, I want my bestfriends to know how my life was when I was little, when I was in school, I don't want to tell my NEW bestfriends from A to Z, bestfriends just simply have to know! It is not like I want to erase my childhood, my teenagehood, or my past, that lead me to start fresh and hunt for new bestfriends!

And my old and current bestfriends are just fine, I don't need to find a new one and steal someone else's bestfriends!

The problem with me is, I am not always here! I want to be in my bestfriends' wedding pictures so when we are old, we could laugh and recall the times we had together! And my bestfriends could show the pictures to their sons and daughters, and the children would scream, "That's you, Auntie!" and they would say nice things like, "You are so pretty! And you look even prettier now!" Hehehehehe...Okay, I got a bit carried away, but you get what I mean!

I am worried if my friends from school would forget about me, and not come to my wedding, because I don't attend their weddings, why should they come to mine.

I am so depressed...

So, today, I ate bananas with Hersheys chocolate syrup! Manyak sedap! I think it helped, kot...

In my opinion, local bananas taste different than the ones from the western countries, don't you think? The local bananas are yummier because they are sweeter and cuter! Tak kelat...

I used to avoid bananas because they are rich in carbohydrate and I hated carbohydrate! But bananas are good. A tips from Dicovery Home and Health: mash the bananas and put them on your face...

I am thinking of quitting.
But that's not me, it is not even possible, I must be really, really crazy to quit.
Quit what I am doing now to enjoy life in Malaysia. No more travelling.

A wedding is life changing, no matter whose wedding it is!

Teman tapi mesra

I attended a wedding ceremony with a friend.

He is my good friend, and we have known each others for more than five years. I still remember the first time we talked, and we clicked instantly. We even went for vacations together. Many people have mistaken us dating, but we are just close, very close, not more than that. I could tell him almost about anything, and he would be the first one to know most of the time, until I found my boyfriend.

Everywhere we go, people would associate him with me. I know his friends, and he knows my friends. Those whom I haven't met, would greet me by, "I always see you in his pictures," or, "So, this is you...I finally meet you, he talks a lot about you".

Even his parents thought we are dating and keep asking about me.

Anyway, sitting besides him, as comfortable as always, we watched the glorious bride and groom. He said,

"When is our turn?"

"Huh?" I responded. "Oh, you mean getting married? I am just a step away! I already have a boyfriend," I tried to hide the awkward way the sentence was constructed.

"You la! Two steps away...Because, you must find a girlfriend first," I continued.

My boyfriend, until today, still is convinced that my friend has a crush on me, but he does not feel threatened at all because my boyfriend trusts me.