Monday, September 10, 2007

The first love.

Okay, my Sunday is wasted by staring at my laptop for the whole day and reading blogs.

And I am writing the third entry for today!

I sent an e-mail to my ex-boyfriend. Because I read somewhere that it is a sin to memutuskan silaturrahim.
We broke up in 2002 and stayed friends until last year. My heart broke into pieces when he announced that he was getting married. I was so hurt, I requested for him to stop contacting me ever again.

Why DID I still have feelings for him? He was well-liked by everybody. My parents adored him. I wanted us to separate because I DID NOT believe the relationship could withstand the distance. He disagreed. But, one day, he said it was time to let me go.

Within a year after the break up, I still felt like I was his girl. We were mushy to each other. I was happy. Despite the distance, our love rekindled, or so I thought.

One day, he came to my house and we went out. I thought it was a date. I thought he would ask me to get back together.

While he was driving, I took his mobile phone and read his messages. I read a few messages from the same number. The number was familiar. The number was very similar to his.

My mind was running wild. This must be his special girl. Couples usually have similar numbers!

Although I was sad, I didn't let the messages bother me. I went with the flow. I stayed positive, there must be a good reason for those SMSes, I was trying to convonce myself. We kissed. He must still have feelings for me. I even gave him a hand-job! That was my first time doing it. I thought I was winning his heart. How naive I was...

He sent me home. I was unsatisfied because he didn't say anything about us getting back together even though he kissed me and all. I called HER number. I didn't talk to her. I didn't have the courage. But I did try to call her a few times that night.

Then, he called me. He said I had been calling her number. Correct! He was mad, he didn't allow me to call her again.

I was mad at first. I demanded an explaination. I thought he was single all along. For one year I had been fooled. And to think that I just had given him a hand job made feel more disgusted about myself. Not him. I loved him too much.

I was such a fool.

I cried so much that night. I am crying now because I was so hurt. How could he not tell me about this other woman? And apparently, his new girlfriend never know about my existance either. I really thought he would choose me over her.

I felt so unpretty, so dirty, so unwanted. It was pathetic. I almost begged for him to choose me. Never in my life before, I was so much in pain, like the one he caused me.

I acted like a crazy woman. I cursed him and hoped he will rot in hell. There was nothing he could do to console me. I felt so cheated. I felt used. He used me.

I never say this to him, but I wish I said, "You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me. You said you wanted my baby. How could you? You said you were madly in love with me! Me! You even gave me a ring and proposed to me!"

For the next two weeks, I felt so alone. I didn't tell anybody because I was ashamed. All my friends thought I was completely over him, so, what would I tell them about how furious I was when he decided I was not his The One.

I told myself that I am better off without him.

He said he was sorry and hoped we still could be friends. We were friends even though I hate him so much.

I couldn't take it anymore when he said he was getting married. That's why I ended it.

I wondered and pondered about him every now and then. My new-found love is way much better than him, and I hope he would be jealous of us (even though we haven't reached our happy ending YET).

Sometimes, I become so bitter, I hope their marriage doesn't work out. But, I quickly realize, as much as I want my ex-boyfriend to be miserable, I don't want his wife to suffer. I believe she is a good person. She is probably the right person for my ex-boyfriend because she might have changed my ex-boyfriend to become a better person. I hope my ex-boyfriend will stay loyal to her, no more cheating.

I never reveal to his wife about what he had done to her and to me. I opt to not interfere.

The e-mail I sent to him just now was just to let him know that I am sorry for breaking our so-called friendship. I hope he forgives me and we could be friends again.

Just friends.

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