Don't know why.

Have you ever felt suddenly you are sad for no reason?
Like everything is going wrong.
Am I having a mental problem because I suddenly could cry and I don't know why?
And when I start to cry, I would think about the past and all the things I should be sad for.
It's painful.
Right now, I feel so de-motivated.
I need a gateaway.
I need to run away from everything and be alone.
I need to do what I like on my own.
Or lie in bed for hours but that's pathetic. That's not helping.
I need a holiday with a stranger.
Or with someone who totally understands me and just be with me.
I wish I could cry and cry in front of a person and just tell that person everything that I think is going wrong, without actually telling.
That person could read my mind.
I am not very expressive in words.
Because I know, after I cry, I would tell myself that it's fine now, and I would refuse to tell anybody what's wrong.
Because after that, I would say to myself, "How silly of me to cry over that".
I wish somebody could read my mind so I don't have to tell him/ her my ridiculous thoughts myself because I want to save myself from the embarassment.

Right now I am sad and I don't know why.

I am a Muslim.

"Abang, I feel like dancing. I wanna go clubbing," I said.
"Kenapa tiba-tiba?"
"Entah...Mengidam pula tonight," I chuckled. "Can you imagine if I were pregnant and suddenly I wanted to go clubbing? Maklumlah...Dah mengidam..."
"Ye la tu! You duduk rumah, baca Quran!"
"I tahulah...Nanti besar, anak dalam perut jadi kaki clubbing," I said followed by a pause, before I continued to say, "Eleh...You tak bagi I selalu clubbing, but when you were my age, you lagi banyak clubbing dari I!"
"I lain...I entertain orang..."
"Jangan nak tipu....You tak pernah entertain orang dekat clubs...You clubbing suka-suka you je!"
"Haha! You know me too well..."

When I was in primary school, I only wore baju kurung on Fridays.
Since little, I was told, "Disco itu haram. Rumah syaitan".

In Standard 4, I started to wear more baju kurung than pinafores. Peer pressures. More and more friends were wearing baju kurung instead of pinafores. Besides, I was still not lady-like. One teacher scolded me for not sitting properly and let everybody see my panties. Budak lagi katakan...

I remember I had a talk with a friend of mine, "Bila nak pakai tudung?" We agreed to start wearing tudung after we finish school.

In standard 6, I wore the tudung after an ustazah brain-washed us. My friends started to cover their heads. Again, peer pressures. Mother was surprised but didn't object. I still remember, in my class, there were only 5 hijab-less girls. (My classmates were all Muslims).
This is the time when most children, or shall I say, adolescents try to develop their own identities. They want to think and decide for themselves. They want to be accepted.
I only wore tudung to school.
One day, I decided not to wear skirts outside of the house.
I remember looking at my red skirt and put it on one side, the side of 'clothes to be worn at home only'. Saya sudah besar...I thought to myself.

At 13, mother wanted to buy pinafores for me but I protested.
"You want to wear tudung to school? Your cousin is 17 and she still wears pinafores! Mengada-ngadalah kamu ni," mother said.
I was a late bloomer. My period didn't come yet and I remember how happy I was to think, "Saya tak berdosa kalau tak sembahyang. Saya kan belum baligh!"

At 14, I wanted to wear tudung permanently because one my bestfriends just decided to wear it full-time.
Mother said, "Suka hati kamulah..."
A tiny voice inside me said, "Kata nak mula pakai tudung lepas habis sekolah..." but I knew it was time for me to cover my aurat.

At 16, I was transferred to a new school. It was compulsory for the Muslims to wear tudung. The school had many other strict rules. I became rebellious. This is the time when I started to ditch tudung. Some schoolmates talked about me behind my back, but I just didn't care. I do what what I want.
I learned the word 'clubbing' this year from a friend who told me about how her parents met (in a club) and how they dated (clubbing together) before they got married.

After school, I was sponsored by the government to further my studies abroad. I wore tudung because because everybody else did. Most of them didn't wear tudung outside the college though, just like me! So, I didn't feel indifferent. It felt normal to me.

Besides, how was I supposed to go clubbing with a tudung on?

I remember the first time I went clubbing. I was in the line, excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because, "I am entering rumah setan! Oh my God, I am so gonna be burnt in hell! Does this mean my solat won't be accepted for the next 40 days? Really? But I won't drink, I just come here to dance. Besides, somebody else is paying this for me. I am not using my own money, the money that is meant for study purposes, to jalan kemungkaran."

The next few visits, I made sure somebody was willing to pay for me. Or, I would only go when it is free. The truth is, until today, I never pay to go clubbing.

During college, I refused to study in the library because it is a public place where men would look at my aurat and I would accumulate sins by not covering myself. I thought, 'I've had enough sins going to clubs and going out without wearing tudung. Hence, I would hide myself from men of non-muhrim where and when possible. It's not like I can't study in my room...'

I went to study abroad and started to become permanently tudung-less.

Mother and father who used to advice me to take my tudung off because 'You are still young,' now wanted me to wear tudung.

I declined.
I started to wear skirts and shorts outside of the house again after so many years.

Mother and father were surprised but didn't actively forbid me. They just said, "Dah besar pun nak pakai skirt? Dulu nak sangat pakai tudung!"
"Sekarang tengah cantiklah nak pakai sexy...Nanti dah tua, orang cakap buang tebiat pula," I defended myself.

I promised myself I would wear the tudung when I reached 23.
23 came and went. Solat started to become less than 5 per day.

The guilt I had before going to clubs is no longer there. I compromised myself. A club, bar, disco...Tak apa masuk rumah setan kalau tak buat benda setan, kan?

But I still have the mentality of, "I've had enough sins revealing myself, holding and kissing my boyfriend and etc. Hence, I would try to avoid to do MORE sins when possible."
Which is why I don't shape my eyebrows.
And why I want to get married!

P/S: Still working on my 5 solat per day.

Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love

If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I`m standin` on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you

If I wake up in world war 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It`s okay if you coming` with me

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I lose my fame and fortune
And I`m homeless on the street
And I`m sleepin` in Grand Central Station
It`s okay if you`re sleepin` with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other`s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It`s okay as long as I got you babe

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I should die this very day
Don`t cry, cause on earth we wasn`t meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I`ll be waiting for you after the judgement day

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldnt hold us

Anggapanmu

Orang anggap saya sombong. Tapi sebenarnya, saya tak sombong. Dulu saya memang sombong, terutamanya dengan lelaki. Ada suatu peristiwa yang menyebabkan saya sombong dengan lelaki. Sebelum peristiwa itu, sayalah yang paling ceria, yang paling mudah untuk didekati, tetapi selalu disalah ertikan oleh lelaki dan perempuan. Saya elak lelaki kerana saya takut jika saya mesra dengan lelaki, lelaki akan salah anggap dan jatuh hati. Waktu itu, saya belum bersedia untuk jatuh hati dan tidak mahu dianggap perampas.

Orang anggap saya yakin. Tapi sebenarnya, saya kurang yakin. Dulu saya memang yakin. Semua pun saya hadapi dengan keyakinan. Sekarang saya sudah ada beberapa kegagalan, dan kegagalan itu memusnahkan keyakinan saya. Kini, keyakinan saya hanya di permukaan saja (superficial), saya tak yakin sepenuh hati. Saya rindu dengan keyakinan saya.

Orang aggap saya bijak. Tapi sebenarnya, saya kurang bijak. Dulu, benar, saya bijak. Seperti keyakinan, kegagalan juga telah membunuh kebijakan saya. Walaupun kegagalan saya tidak sebesar mana, tapi mengapa saya masih kurang yakin dan berasa bodoh?

Orang anggap saya kaya. Tapi sebenarnya, saya tidak kaya. Sampai sekarang saya pelik kenapa orang anggap saya kaya. Maaf, saya tidak dapat 'sponsor', saya tidak kaya!

Orang anggap saya baik. Tapi sebenarnya, saya tidak baik. Dulu saya memang baik. Dulu saya yakin masuk syurga. Ramai lagi yang lebih jahat, lebih hina dari saya. Sekarang, saya mungkin baik dari segi perbuatan, tapi tidak begitu baik kepada Tuhan saya. Bukan saya tidak mahu jadi baik, saya mahu, tapi saya senang terpengaruh dengan Iblis Syaitan. Saya baik perbuatan kerana saya mahu menebus dosa-dosa saya. Harap-harap, kebajikan saya diterima. Tapi tak cukup, memang tak cukup, banyak menggunung perlu ditebus! Jadi, jangan anggap saya baik, saya bukan orang baik.

Saya selalu dengki pada orang yang baik. Terutama sekali gabungan orang yang baik, bijak, cantik dan kaya. Sempurna. Baik, bijak dan cantik adalah hampir sempurna. Saya dengki pada orang yang hampir sempurna juga.

Saya dengki pada orang yang terpelihara. Ibadat saya dulu sepatutnya memelihara saya! Tapi kenapa tidak? Sia-siakah?

Tuhan tidak suka pada saya. Saya harap satu hari nanti Tuhan akan sangat sayang pada saya. Masih sempat?

Ramadhan ini

Things to do:

- Solat terawih
- Solat taubat
- Solat hajat
- Solat istikharah
- Recite the Furqan

I wanted to buy a new handbag.
"I always use the same handbag! I need a new one for Raya," I complained to my boyfriend.
I dragged him to a shopping mall to hunt for the perfect handbag.
He gave me money.
"What's this?" I asked.
"Beli handbag baru. I hadiahkan," he said.
"I don't need your money! Kalau you nak hadiahkan I barang, beli betul-betul. Jangan bagi I duit!" I protested.
"I tak pandai pilih handbag," he explained.
"I could buy six handbags with this amount of money!"
"Really?" he was in disbelief.
"I don't want your money!"
"Tapi I nak belanja you," he said.
"Fine! Tunggu dekat cashier nanti, you bayarkanlah. I belum jumpa handbag yang I suka. And my handbag will NOT be at this price! Sekarang, you simpan duit you ni," I put the money in his hands.
"You peganglah," he said.
"Tak nak!" I refused.
"You know me...I can't hold the money because I'll be spending it in a few hours. You tak nak I membazir kan?"
"Grrrr!!!"

My boyfriend is totally clueless when it comes to 'how to treat a girl, the right way'. You DO NOT give MONEY to your girlfriend, you BUY things for your girlfriend, which means, most of the time, as SURPRISE GIFTS.

Giving me money is like paying me, but I AM NOT YOUR WHORE!

Well, I did not find my dream handbag, but the money was spent on the new external hard disk, our parkings, tolls, petrol and dinners.

I hope, next time, he will buy a nice handbag for me as a gift. And no, I don't need to know the price.

Selamat berpuasa.

Cinta Alan

I used to know a Parisian, a Frenchman, an architect named Alan.

I don't know why, but I have a 'thing' for architects. I just love men with that profession. I used to imagine they were good-looking, decent and smart. But that was not the reason I agreed to go out with Alan.

Alan was nice and I thought I was representing the Malay Malaysian community, so, he could get to know us better.

He was successful, he worked in various countries such as Indonesia and Japan before. I was impressed.

So, we went jalan-jalan. He was a gentleman, holding my hands, opened doors, offered seats to me etc the usual things that make us feel special, which most Malaysian men tend to forget.

Alan told me about his family, his job, his previous relationships and the people he had slept with. He told me about how a married Chinese lady who wanted to have sex with him but he refused because he just didn't do colleagues. I liked having conversations with him. He brought me to bars and drank beers. He said, "I only drink on weekends. I don't drink when I am working. It is against my principle".

At one of the restaurants, he studied my hand, trying to be a fortune tellar. He said my hands were soft, and he kissed my cheeks.

He perfectly understood why I don't drink: because I am a Muslim. He introduced me to his friends and his friends told me nice things about Alan, despite their lack of English.

At one of the last bars that we went to, Alan confessed that he liked me. He said I was interesting and pretty. I was flattered, of course. No wonder he was being extra nice to me, putting his arm over my shoulders and around my waist, holding my hands etc. I thought he was just being the typical Parisian. You know what they say about Frenchman, romantic...

But I knew things were moving too fast. I told him it was too soon for me to decide whether I liked him back. I mean, I liked him, but not to that extent.

One night, he invited me to dinner. I agreed. He brought me to his apartment because I was excited when he told me he was a skilled cook. I specifically instructed him not to cook pork or have alcohol as an ingredient. He said he would cook fish.

Entering his apartment was something new to me. It was a different atmosphere. Have you ever entered an artist home before? I found out he was an artist as well. He drew many potraits, even a nude picture of one of his friends I had met earlier.

Little did I know Alan was craving to have sex with me.

He was honest, and asked to have sex with me many times before but I politely declined. I gave him many reasons: I am not ready, I am a virgin, I want to wait for the right man, I believe in sex after marriage, I am having my period and I am Muslim, I don't fuck around. Somehow, whenever he asked to have sex with me, I was not offended and he was not irritating at all.

While drinking his beers, he cooked in the kitchen. Once in a while, he checked on me, making sure I was comfortable, and we french-kissed.

He said, "Why do you kiss me if you don't like me?"

I said, "Well...I did not kiss you, you kissed me!"

Oh, and for your information, I was never sexy in front of Alan. All I wore were a pair of jeans and a simple top.

He explained to me about his paintings, and kissed me, I turned my face away and he served me a glass of orange juice and kissed me, and again, I made faces. I made sure I looked at him when he poured me the drink, just in case if he was trying to drug me or something.

I didn't want to lead him on, I even made it clear to him that we were just two friends having dinner together.

His apartment had a nice view. There we were, appreciating the beauty of the scenery, (konon-kononnya romantik and I think he was hoping I would melt) when he began to kiss and touch me all over. I pushed him slightly, I said, "I told you, I do not want to have sex with you".

"Why?" he asked.
"Because I am a virgin, and I am planning to stay that way!" my voice raised.

"But I like you. You will like me too after we make love".
"NO!"
"Look, no commitment. If you don't like me tomorrow, it is okay. But if you still like me tomorrow, then I will commit to you. Let's just try for one night".
"I said 'No'! I think I should leave!"

I walked to the door. He stopped me.

"Okay...I respect you. Lets just have dinner."
I looked at him and said, "Okay".

I was sitting at the sofa when he said, "Please sleep at my house tonight. I promise, no sex, just talking. I want to get to know you better".

"Alan, I think I wanna go home now".
"Why?"
"I don't want to sleep at your house"
"But it is getting late!"
"It is okay, you don't have to send me home. I will find my way"
"But...Wait!" he pulled my hand. He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
"I am very sure" I was really afraid that time. What if this Alan tried to rape me? I prayed to God to tebalkan imanku dan tidak terjatuh dalam perangkap maksiat Alan. Chewahh....Hehehehe...But, seriously, I was scared.

I was so scared, I was preparing myself to scream if he did anything weird.

"Fine. Just let me turn off the stove and take my house keys".
"Okay".
"Sit down".
"No, I will wait here, at the door".

So, he walked me to a station (LRT station, train station, bus station, commuter station? Hehe. I'll keep you guessing). He bought a ticket for me, and waited with me.

He apologized and he said I had hurt him.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Alan asked.
"I am busy tomorrow," I answered.
"How about the day after?"
"You have to see my friends and I".
"I only want to see you," he said, almost pleading.

I didn't reply straight away.

"I am sorry, but I don't think I could see you again," I finally broke the silence.
"Are you sure?"
"I am pretty sure".
"Is that what you really wish for?"
"Yes".

Silence.

"Then, erase my number," he said, challenging.
"Okay," I replied, taking out my mobile phone, erasing his number.
"You can't contact me after this," Alan said.
"I know. I don't want you to contact me again," I said.

He looked sad, so I tried to console him, the least painful way, "Look, you are a nice guy and all. But we are different. I am sure you will find someone you really like. But, you and I, this could not work. We are too different".

"But I really like you".

Silence.

"May I kiss you for one last time?"
Hish, mamat ni....Getting annoying pulak dah!

I nodded.
He kissed me long and gently.

He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
Konon I would feel something after the kiss la tuh....

I nodded.

"You go home. I am fine..." I wanted him to leave.
"I'll wait with you".

And my ride came.
He kissed me on the cheek, and I left him.

That was the day I almost got screwed!
I didn't tell anybody because they would scold me bad....

Pure and naive

I once worked as a part-time waitress in a hotel to raise enough money to buy a prom dress.

That was the first time I saw Malay men drank alcohol.

As a waitress, I was required to serve these customers. I refused.
I pretended to be busy with something else so my colleagues had to do the job.

Alcohol is haram.
Serving alcohols is bersubahat.

After the event, we had to clean the banquet hall. This means, clearing the table tops and changing the tablecloths.

I avoided alcohol up the point that I only cleaned 'clean' tables. Tables with no beer spills. I didn't even touch the beer mugs.

In the changing room, I was worried if I smelled like beer.

That is how pure I was, years ago. Pure and naive.

I want to be pure but not naive.