My son loves his school but we will change school starting next year.
It breaks my heart, because I really want to be loyal and supportive to his old kindy, but I guess, it is no longer convenient for us.

I remember when looking for a school, I was specific about wanting it to be Montessori, colourful, cheerful...And I found it. It is a small and new school, with minimal number of students.

I know the teachers, who are the owners, are doing it because they are passionate about it. They are not doing it for the money...Come on, RM300 per month for 7-10 students, that's like barely RM1500 per month (they only have 2 teachers). I don't think they are making any profits yet, and I really, really wish they would because they are such good people, but I just can't continue there.

Mother says it's too far away, we need a bus, I no longer have a maid, my son wants to learn Chinese...

The new school, it's a little crowded, and I don't like the toilet. There's Mandarin subject, so I don't have to pay RM60 per hour to a tutor (yes, I looked around for a tutor). I'm not planning to enrol him to a Chinese school (my only criteria is- a school that is close to my house), but because he keeps asking me for Mandarin class, so here we are, at a new school...

I'm getting too emotionally attached to his old school that it feels like I'm going through a tough break-up.
Tsk. Itu pun nak nangis...

Friday night.

I dreamt that I went to London with one of my bosses. We had a walk on Oxford Street (looked more like the street in the town I used to study), met up with my friends and went to a Japanese restaurant I used to frequent 10 years ago.

They thought my boss and I looked cute together and we had to explain that we are with different people, I have 2 kids back home.

Somehow, I am always relieved when I remember this information even when I'm dreaming. It's like- kids, Mommy never forgets you!

After that, my boss and I continued walking. Suddenly, I remembered we were supposed to catch a train to go to Japan (Paris made more sense, actually). So, we were rushing to the train station.

I was thinking- how could I forget this! I forgot, I forgot!

Saturday night.

I was in Palestine with a group of people. We were on a tour. There were safe zones and dangerous zones. We need to go through dangerous zones to get to the safe zones.

We were warned to stay as discrete as possible in dangerous zones. When were in dangerous zones, we had to walk fast and keep our heads down. But, somebody bumped into me and I blew my cover. I was chased. I had to run and crawl through small and dark alleys to get to the safe zone.

We had our meals and watched a documentary about Palestine. But that fella kept watching from outside, just waiting for the moment to catch me.

To return to the airport, again, we had to briefly pass the dangerous zone. Since I was already targeted, putting the entire group at risk, we had to be really quick.

But I got left behind. Every body was saving their own life. There was a group of Taiwanese flight attendants. They helped to cover me.

At the airport, the flight attendants used the express lane. I sneaked in with them, but got caught. They asked for money. They thought I didn't have cash, wanted to use my credit card, and my card didn't go through. They said I had to stay behind and get on the next flight.

Suddenly, they said it would be best for me because the Israelis would be waiting for at the aeroplane and that could jeopardise my whole family.

- I didn't remember any of my family coming with me on that trip

- how did they know someone is chasing after me

- is it just an excuse for me to miss my flight, or do they genuinely wanted to help me?

Suddenly, I remembered Mother said- whatever you do, get on that plane.

I increasingly became skeptical and followed my instinct to leave the room at the very last minute to be on that aeroplane.

I woke up before I knew whether I made it or not.

Wow, so intense.

Sunday night.

I did recall the dream this morning but I couldn't remember while writing this.

All I know is- it was also about rushing to catch a flight. I was in India this time.

For the past few days, I've been feeling tired despite having adequate hours of sleep.

After I woke up this morning, I googled on what it means...I've had the same dream 3 nights in a row- rushing. Always rushing.

Rushing to catch a train/ flight.

Rushing to go to a destination.

Afraid of missing a transportion.

And it makes me sad...If the interpretation was true, it makes me sad that I am at this point of my life. Hhmmm...

When I was in primary school, my routine was: Sekolah Kebangsaan, Sekolah Agama, kelas mengaji, playground, dinner, TV and sleep.

I rarely had homework because I usually finished them at school.

Anyway, I was so bersemangat, I remember Mother asked me frequently- tak penat ke?

Yup, I was always on the move. Mostly main. Like, after school/ mengaji class, must find time to play!

In fact, Mother still asks the same question if I've been working non-stop. One time, I worked for 36 hours, then went out to watch a movie with my friends. "Tak penat ke?"

As a kid, I don't remember feeling tired. I okay je...

-----

The other day, my colleague was telling me about her childhood.

Sekolah Kebangsaan Cina, then
Organ class
Piano class
Taekwando class
Gymnastic class
Ballet class
Malay class
Mandarin class
Swimming class

Wow!

Me: Parents you tak kerja ke?
Her: I was raised by my maid. But I still had to wash my own shoes and fold my own clothes. I changed clothes in the car. Then I quit most of it after secondary school.

Me: I want to be like your mom. I wish my parents had sent me to more classes. Now, I have no skills. At least, if I knew how to play piano, I can quit my job and become a piano teacher.
Her: Yeah lor...They make good money too!

I want to send my kids to 4 extra class
- kelas mengaji
- music class (must know how to play one instrument)
- taekwando (currently attending)
- swimming class (soon)
Bonus: Mandarin class

If they ever complaint or question my decision, I will tell them
- I only have 2 kids, so I need to raise you both right
- If somehow you end up hating your job, I want you to have the option to change the direction of your career. Maybe you can open a martial arts centre? Don't be stuck like me
- My friend attended way more classes than you and she survives! Look at her now, so successful...

(Smirks)
*Tiger mom mode on*

Actually, I always want to be that tiger mom, but I don't even have time to send my kids to these extra classes. How lahhh...

*Tiger mom fails*

I remember listening to this song when I was in university.

I thought it was a sweet song. You know, calling out for all the beautiful girls out there...
We are all beautiful...


And now, this

Eee...I like, I like...!

-----

Anyway, I was singing in the car...
And my daughter and son seemed to enjoy the song too...

But my son sang- Hey, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful NINJA!

Me: Dia cakap 'Beautiful angel' lah!
Son: Taklah! Dia cakap 'Ninja'.

Then, I listened to it again and found the 'Ninja'.
Hahaha...

I've been following TwoSet Violin for a while now and oh, my, I feel like a teenager all over again because I have a huge crush on them. Haha.

I wish I knew them sooner before their Kickstarter project because I definitely would have gone to Singapore just to watch them.

No other artists have made feel this way. But violinists...Say nothing and just play, and I'd fall hard! Extra points because they make smart and funny videos!

And, for your info, my music background is like, an atom size, because I only learnt to play recorder in primary school. I don't know how to play any instrument, I don't know how to read notes, I'm tone deaf, I have no idea whatsoever about classical music...
But...
I used to play Piano Tiles. Haha. Does that even count?
And, I love Canon in D, I wished it was my wedding song.
And, at least, I appreciate Beethoven and Mozart, have gone to their museums AND did not feel bored when touring the museums.

Bonus trivia: I bought Classical Music For Babies for me to play for my son when he was a baby. I used to play it on loops, because I believe it would make a person smarter. Then we moved house, I stopped because I felt guilty, I should've played the Quran recital instead. (-__-")

Anyway,

These two guys are not even good looking...Seriously, why do I like them so much! I don't even understand classical music.

I like Brett with the old hairstyle, but I prefer Eddy just because he's taller. Haha.

(I don't go for looks, I'm not supercial! But I like the taller guy- okay, maybe I am superficial. Hhmmm...)

Actually, I swing between the two of them. Haha. After I go through their videos, I like how Brett carries himself and I like the way he thinks.

I like them maybe because they remind me of my own youth. My friends and I (in school and university), we were so silly! Sometimes, we often question, are we seriously good students, haha.
BTW, I was not a good student, I was considered a good student because of the course I was taking in university. Hah!

We were crazy back then, shooting silly videos of ourselves, (but we didn't upload it on Youtube because it was too embarassing, plus, we needed to study, no time mah!).
If we laughed so much, we would question the food that we ate- is there alcohol in this, why are we laughing like a drunk bunch...

-----

You know what...
Actually, the things I like about Brett and Eddie, are packaged into one person- my husband.
I just realized this after talking to a friend.

But, I still want to have a crush on them! Love yah, Brett; love you, Eddie...*kisses*
I promise I won't go crazy if my kids want to be musicians and I won't look down at musicians.

What a revelation!

Whenever I put on a beauty mask, my eldest would ask me, "Kenapa Mommy pakai benda tu?"
"Sebab Mommy nak jadi cantik," I answered.

Last week, he saw me in a beauty mask again.
This time, his question was, "Bila Mommy nak jadi cantik?"

(-___-")

I am against forced marrieage.

This includes child marriages, when the child is not ready yet.

Also, including child marriages, even if the child agrees, because as we know, a child can be easily influenced, manipulated, and whatever understanding that a child has, won't even come close to the reality of marriage.

I'm also against unplanned pregnancy. Especially, when they shouldn't be pregnant for health reasons.

How selfish can that be? You can die. Your baby can die. Your wife can die. Your other children can lose their mother. And you knew but you don't care.

Then, you come to the hospital, expecting to be saved. God can save you, but what are you doing?

Of course, I can't be mad if they are already taken all the necessary preventions and they still get pregnant, I consider that a miracle. Hehe.

Anyway, what makes me write today is the news of the Sabahan young mother with 4 children, and she ended up slitting all 4 children and herself.

She's 30 years old with 4 kids, aged 8 months to 8 years.

She had her first when she was 18, she was pregnant at 17.

What I did when I was 16? I shook my niece because she was crying when I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone.

It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened.

I quickly snapped out of it and felt insanely guilty, but that quickly thought me why a teenager shouldn't be left alone with a baby. It scarred me until today.

I didn't hate my niece, I love her with all my heart, but I still shook her to shut her up.

And...I was supposed to take care of her for 1 hour only, max 2 hours, while my mom went for mengaji Quran and while waiting for her parents to come home from work.

I was most rebellious when I was a teenager. I was horrible, impatient, irritable. And I was considered to be good one.

Imagine, even me, as a good teenager (comparing to the rest of my peers), can't even hold my temper.

What I'm trying to say is- you can be mature at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, you can be intelligent emotionally, but, usually you don't have the patience yet to deal with kids. Because you yourself is still a kid.

So, yeah, no.

When you are young, you are not supposed to have children. Be committed to your work or studies instead. You can get married, but don't have children so early.

(A couple of my friends did this, get married at 20 and 22 years of age, went to the US and Australia with their spouse, have sex and all, but no children until they are ready)

Once, I read a comment, a mother of many children, who is so proud- Saya boleh minta tolong anak yang sulung untuk jagakan adik-adiknya. Umur 9 tahun tapi boleh mengemas rumah dan memasak.

Wow, you are proud of making your daughter as your maid? She's supposed to be studying and playing. Not taking care of YOUR babies. That is not her responsibility, that is yours.

I'm sure our mothers and our grandmothers did it. They did it because they didn't have a choice. They didn't know how to contracept.

Most of them had children who died in their hands, those days. I'm sure they didn't want that. Nobody wants that.

Did you know what they did to cope? They gave away their children. Not all, but most did. If they didn't, they must be the lucky, affordable ones.

Do you know what impact it has on the children who were given away? They were scarred for life, feeling unwanted, unloved, 'Why me?'. I know because my husband is a child who was given up. He's in his 40s and still finds it difficult to forgive, despite knowing why his mother had to.

To me, if you want many children, biarlah berkemampuan. Bukan every time you bagi excuse, accident...Orang accident kereta banyak kali pun, patut masuk jail and tarik balik lesen memandu.

Anyway, I sympathize this young mother. I assume she meroyan, I don't know, maybe she is schizophrenic instead, who knows. But, I hope she will get the help she needs. My heart goes to her and her family.

My friend shared in the Whatsapp group, her son's kindy teacher sent her a message-
Tadi saya bagitau Hariz, Mama balik awal hari ni. Tapi dia menangis. Saya rasa Hariz rindu Mama dia.

Yes, it's so heartbreaking to see that crying face. He is only 5, as old as my son. My friend is so hardworking. She always comes back at 8-9pm. She would spend the weekends at the library to study, or attend courses.

Maybe that's the reason he cried when his teacher told him Mama is coming earlier than usual.


I can't be that person. I'm not that strong. I'm always telling myself that my family is number 1.

I would finish my work on time. I hate spending time in the car to and fro my workplace. I avoid courses during the weekends.

Maybe that's why I'm not as successful as her. But, I make sure I'm there as much as I can with my children. So, I can't complaint. Just be grateful with what God has planned for me so far.


I'm already missing the kids when they are asleep.

We were working, it was nearing lunch time, and we had seen our last client.

We were ready for a break when she came. My staff told me, there was another person left.

I sighed and got irritated. Why did she come so late? In other places, we would have rejected her. She was late for her appointment.

I quickly called her to my room. We greeted each other. She was an elderly and came alone.

Our meeting was brief. It was straight to the point. I wanted to finish on time.

"Anything else? Mau tanya apa-apa?" I asked, typically to signal the end of the conversation.

Even though I was slightly annoyed, I did not show it. I smiled and made her comfortable throughout.

She then said, "Awak sangat baik. Sangat baik. Awak tak marah saya pun."

That, made me feel embarassed. There I was, thinking that she was a hassle, when in return, she thought I was kind.

Hypocrite much?

When I heard a grown man cried, no, not cried, wailed, as if telling us, help me, I couldn't but felt really, really sorry for him.

I texted my husband- Kesian kan jadi orang gila?

He came with a knife.

I immediately jumped into conclusion- he might had tried to kill himself. Why? Maybe he heard noises. Maybe he saw shadows. Maybe he was under a huge stress.

I texted my husband- Patutlah orang gila masuk syurga. Kesian sangat...

----

After he became calmer, he told us- he took ganja and ketum. At least, I presumed one correct, he did see shadows .

However, I felt betrayed. I felt cheated. There I was, sympathising you, but in actual fact, you just brought it upon yourself.

I was furious with him, for making me believe that he was a genuine case of schizophrenia. How silly of me...

#antidadah

Years ago, this video made me laugh. I remember I was still a college student then. I even posted it here. I watched it when I was alone in my room and I laughed out loud!

It's amazing how a 3-second video can be so amusing!


Last week, I came across this video.

I watched it on 4 different days, and it still produces the same effect on me- laugh out loud!

Usually, I would just smile and let out a little chuckle when I watched funny videos. But not this one, I almost laughed in tears. Haha.

I don't even understand why I find it super funny!

I knew it will be something to do with the makcik and roti canai, no element of surprise there, but it is hilarious.

Eh, if I were there as a customer, dah tersembur dah air.
If I were the roti canai guy's friend, I would've just HA HA HA.
If I were the Makcik, I dah tutup muka and left the place knowing people would have seen it.

Lawak gila okay! I still boleh gelak-gelak lagi tulis ni.

Quick update 5

Eh, banyak sangat update ni...
Tak apa...Sementara tengah bersemangat nak membawang ni...

On a lighter note, a few days ago, I met a client who cried in front of me because he misses his wife.

You see, they divorced 2 years ago. He said, his wife kena buatan orang, kena menderem...

He is in his 50s, loves his wife so much and he wants to get back together so badly, he can't keep it off his mind. He told me, sepanjang 29 tahun kahwin, tak pernah bergaduh besar. He tries really hard to cope, he moves away, but on weekends, he still visits his wife and children, they cook together and that makes him happy.

But, his wife refuses to rujuk.

I don't know lah...I memang terharulah sebab ada husband yang betul-betul mencintai wife dia, (and I hope my husband is one of them, hehe), tapi, adakah I percaya pasal kena buatan orang dan menderem menderem ni semua?

As a Muslim, I memang percaya pada benda ghaib, itu sudah wajib. Yes, ada jin, malaikat dan syaitan, memang ada orang yang pandai ilmu, but in today's world, how many people truly know how to practice ilmu-ilmu ni? Kadang-kadang tu kena scam je yang banyak...


Quick update 6

This year, I don't know why, I am more open to the idea of doing Hajj at this age. In terms of faith and practicing my religion, I am NOWHERE near perfect, but, it's my dream to be able to perform Hajj.

I feel like I have so many sins and I want a rebirth, a second chance. Of course, you can always repent anywhere and anytime, but Hajj is different. Especially when you are financially and physically able.

Orang yang dapat pergi Haji tu semua bertuah. Terpilih menjadi tetamu. I ni, siapa je...Orang picisan. Amalan terlalu sikit that it scares the hell out of me. Bilalah nak betul-betul insaf...

Oh, and kudos to all Malaysians who clean up after themselves in Mekah. I'm so proud that this year pilgrims show an examplary attitude to jemaah from other countries.

I read in the news that Malaysians were calm and coorperative during the storm, and they keep their tents clean.

I wish them all for Haji Mabrur, InsyaAllah.

Quick update 4

Just now, I saw on Facebook, a boy studying in Nottingham University asking for donation to fund his first year of uni.

But the comments I saw from fellow Malaysians...
Memang betullah ramai orang bodoh di Malaysia ni.

First of all, they like to judge by the headlines without even reading the contents.

Budak tu pandai kot...I'm sure if he actually sat for SPM and attempted applying for a scholarship, he would have gotten it. But, of course, if that happened, you stupid people would say, "Eh, dia bukan dari keluarga yang susah, jadi dia tak layak dapat biasiswa. Mak dia doktor (Phd), jadi dia kaya!"

But, he didn't mengambil hak orang lain. He went to study overseas because his family thought they could afford it. Along the way, something must have happened. They are short by a few thousand ringgit. They asked for help.

If you're smart, you'd know that MOST doctors (clinicians or non clinicians) are not rich.
Orang Malaysia yang kaya ni kebanyakannya adalah founder produk sampah (eh, kantoi follow Khairul Yoi, haha), tapi yang kaya jenis macam ni biasanya kaya sebentar sahaja sebab...Percayalah Allah itu Maha Adil.

Anyway, kalau tak nak tolong budak tu, at least tolong jangan bagi komen-komen bodoh.

-----

Masa tengah kecoh-kecoh pasal PTPTN beberapa bulan lepas, before it was decided that these debters can all go overseas, I saw this

Ni lagi satu otak sampah.
I was so mad, I quickly sent the printscreen to my husband with the caption: mentality low class.

Gila tak pemikiran orang-orang macam ni?
Dia nampak superficial je. Dia tak sedar pun how a person struggles to study. Sebab, dia tak pernah study susah-susah kan?

You can say, a person who works at KFC is working as hard, but NEVER downgrade a person with education.

Quick update 2.

Eh, apa ni sekarang trend buat bun besar-besar untuk tudung ni? Siap ada giant scrunchie semua?

I know it's pretty, but I remember when I was in primary school, Ustadz had warned me, can't remember exactly the hadis, but along the line, "Kepala wanita seperti bonggol-bonggol unta."

You cannot do that on purpose lah! What more if you fake your bonggol with them scrunchies!

Am I the only one who feels this is wrong? Because so far, I haven't encountered anyone who made a comment about this matter.

Anyway, just in case you didn't know...Yep, cantik biasa-biasa cukup lah...Tak payah luar biasa sangat...


Quick update 3

Found out my stupid ex-maid is now working in Komtar, JB, using a different name.

What would you do?

Eee...Bongok sangat. I'm so upset that I don't want anything to do with her anymore.
But some have advised me to confront her and tuntut ganti rugi. She did take a lot of our stuff...

I want to serahkan pada pihak polis, but every one knows that it's going nowhere.

Hish. Bongoklah dia tu! I hate her and has wished many bad things to happen to her. Even though I know it's better to wish on good things to happen to me instead (because doa orang yang teraniaya adalah makbul), I just couldn't help myself lah, okay!
I'm only human...

Quick update!

So, I admit that I stalk people on Instagram and Facebook. But at least I don't discuss about them openly with my friends...Well, maybe about once a month and usually lasts for 5 minutes only. Ain't no saint here.

Anyway, this person mentioned about a scammer on her Instagram and I decided to Google about the scammer. What I stumbled upon was pages and pages about this person (not the scammer). Just wow...!

First of all, I'm amazed by the number of people talking about her. Basically just bashing her appearance, fashion sense, and petty petty things, in fact, almost every thing about her. And I'm sure most of these people don't know her personally (like me) but how come they hate her so much?! The things that they said were very mean!

Secondly, this person is not a celebrity, not a TV/ radio personality, she's just someone who is famous during her blogging days. She didn't even do anything controversial recently, but people keep talking about her.

This reflects on me lah, okay. I mean, I don't look down at her, but I used to think, "Wow, sexy nya minah ni sekarang!"
But tonight, I am reminded of how fortunate she is in some ways.

Ustazah-ustazah for surely say things like, "Tutuplah aurat, kembalilah ke pangkal jalan, bla bla bla," but tonight, I realized, every day, this girl senang-senang je dapat free pahala from all the people who mengumpat her. Banyak sangat tau!

Korang ni kutuk-kutuk dia, tapi mana tau, masa dekat Akhirat nanti, dia yang dapat masuk syurga hasil kutipan pahala free. Maybe ini just ujian untuk dia?

My maid ran away. This isn't the first time my helper left, we don't mind so much about her leaving, in fact. But, this time, she stole our things, estimated RM10k worth of valuables.

*Sigh*

She took my daughter's gold necklaces, my ring, the kids' duit raya and my other phone.

Jahat, kan?
It's like, she was here with us for more than a year, just to eye on the things she stole.

Yang paling sedih, my phone...

You see...I don't think I'm pretty. Therefore, I don't enjoy taking pictures of myself. Plus, my husband and I are in a long distance relationship. So, mostly I take pictures of my kids. Or with me, without my tudung.
This is why I didn't use Instagram.
I didn't need to.

I feel like crying writing this.

I know, I know...They are just pictures. But my kids are growing up and I will never see them small again. And she took my phone and all their pictures and I don't have any backup whatsoever.

This is my first time crying about this.

I let my kids use iPads. I'm a bad mother, I know. But, whenever they are playing, I would put my phone down and play with them too. I don't use my phone to take their photos while they are playing.

Reason being, I want to be a present mother. I want to lead by example. I want to give them all my attention. And I've had them telling me, "Mommy, letak phone tu," and "Mommy tak boleh tengok phone!"

For example, yesterday, we played with the water guns and I let them shoot me until I was soaked wet. I was Mario (from Super Mario) and my son was the villain who was trying to kidnap the princess (my daughter).
We had so much fun.
However, I didn't bring my phone.

So, do you understand how few pictures I have of them, especially when they were smaller?

I always tell myself, the most important things are memories.
We don't usually remember what exactly happened, but we always remember how we feel at a particular time or place, with a particular person.
Now, I can eat my own words because memories are better with pictures!

The reason I was so cool about this (initially) is I tried to stay calm, patient and see the brighter side of it. Redha.
Tapi, saya insan lemah.
I am now upset.

My problem is actually petty if I compare myself with other people.
I shall be thankful instead.
At least my maid didn't physically hurt my kids, right?

Eeee...I don't to waste my energy and time on my stupid maid lah!

Allah akan gantikan dengan yang lebih baik, InsyaAllah.

So...I was upset today. Mainly because I had many things to do at work, plus, I was in charge of the department jamuan Hari Raya, which means extra work with no extra pay...

I was supposed to finish early to join the set-up team, but I just couldn't leave, it didn't feel right. But, at the same time, other people who are not in the committee left early and started the ceremony. By the time I arrived, they were already eating!

I repeatedly told myself to just let it go, or my pahala ikhlas will be gone (I think they are already gone by now :( )

Anyway, it was obvious I was in a foul mood, I finished my meal and left without socializing. They realized I wasn't there when they wanted to take pictures, but I just needed some time for myself.

Because I was upset, I started to scold my husband because we haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. I only sent 3 sentences. He didn't reply me because I think he knew I was mad.

I was getting ready to go back, when I realized, I had misplaced my carkey. I searched for it for almost an hour, went to multiple locations, ransacked my bag for at least 4 times and finally contemplating to go hail a Grab Car when I saw a missed call from my husband.

Turned out he had arrived home with my kids. I told him to come and get me. I sat in the surau, again, emptying my bag, then, I found my key!

Rupa-rupanya bag I koyak and dia termasuk dalam lining of the bag. Haish...Walked 7400 steps today, okay!

Maybe it was a punishment from God. For being mad at my husband. And when I talked to him, terus jumpa kunci tu...

So, that's the story of today, how God loves me and is watching over me and sending me messages. How can I not believe in Him and in everything He has planned for me...I wish I was a better person.

How was your Raya?
I got to spend it with my husband and children for 5 days! Without my helper, without our moms, and my kids really enjoyed it because we let them stay up and play all day...

This Raya, I am reminded why I fell in love with husban. I can see why my jodoh is with him. His side keeps my children and I grounded. Teach us how to behave and appreciate the things that we have. Alhamdulillah.

For example, I was quite restless because we didn't have a proper family picture. I was seeing Facebook and Instagram and saw all those pretty, happy pictures, and felt pressured to keep up. I didn't want my friends to think my marriage was in trouble!

But, my husband brought us to visit his relatives and friends. Mostly the elders in the family.

One of his aunts suffers from diabetes and going to be blind due to cataracts. It's a simple procedure, but she didn't have money for the lens. Oh, my, why didn't you tell earlier? - my husband asked. She's living all by herself, how can she function if she cannot see.

Anyway, that's settled. And suddenly, I don't mind anymore if we didn't have a proper family picture.

----

I am mostly known for my career in his family. It's quite embarassing though. They would usually introduce me like- this is Abang's wife, she works in bla bla bla.

It makes me wonder what if one day, I wanted to quit. Imagine me like: (Sheepishly smiles) No, no, no...I don't work anymore...

Surely, there will be a lot of questions...That I don't want to answer...Because I am just tired of working??? Is that even acceptable?
Because people quit their jobs to take care of the family, usually when their children are young, or if they have many children.

I only have 2, and they are no longer babies, and my husband is not a millionaire (yet, hehehe), so, really, I don't have any reasons to stay at home...I do envy you guys who do and can be! Sigh...

Anyway, this has become about me wanting to be a housewife. Haha. The other day, I had a dream that I changed my career and it didn't go well for me. Now, it's just haunting me. Like, I don't want to make a major mistake.

I was supposed to write about my Raya and there's a lot of stories. But I think this post will do for now. Byeee!

So many things to tell you guys...Some of the stories dah backdated dah, but, whatever...I'll start with the most recent ones

- We were shopping for the kids' baju raya in KLCC. It was very quick. My husband then went to Oakley to fix his sunglasses, and left me wandering with my son who was sleeping in the stroller. Yes, he's almost 5 and still uses the stroller. My daughter didn't follow because she was napping at home.

I randomly went inside a shop to try glasses. Saje je...Making small conversation with the salesman...Then my husband arrived, and he layan-ed me trying on the sunglasses.

Him: You nak ke? Kalau you nak, ambillah.
Me: Memanglah cantik...Tak apalah. I nak yang reflective lenses. Yang ini hitam. I dah ada hitam. Lagipun 20% discount je.

Talked, talked, talked.

Him: Betul you taknak?
Me: Nak beli ke?
Him: Ambil je lah kalau suka.

My husband is the type yang...if you like it, just buy it.

So, don't be stupid. Use the opportunity when your husband is already offering! Haha!

This is me today.

And I sent the picture to my husband.

Me: Cantik. Ingat nak pakai today, tapi hujan. Thank you for the early birthday present! Ke birthday present I lain? Haha...

Him: Hahaha...Birthday present you is the road tax. I dah bayarkan...

Me: Okaylah...Tak romantic betul bagi road tax as birthday present. Nasib baik I sayang you!

Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah...

- Suddenly, I have a thing for the Kelly bag. But I would still say No even if my husband wanted to gift me. I'm trying to make myself like Hamano now. Haha...

- I've been meaning to write about Queen for quite some time now, perhaps almost a year already. Suddenly, I heard there will be a movie about them. Terus tak jadi tulis. I don't want to be that girl that became a fan just because of a movie/ documentary. I am genuine, people!

Anyway, I still think I prefer British music than the American. Coldplay is also a great band, right! Love them!

- I didn't go for KRU concert. When I almost bought the ticket, I browsed the Youtube and found out that, I only love the songs from their earlier albums. Some, I didn't ever heard before. So, that was the dealbreaker and I'm not regretting it.

- Somehow, I ended up in Cari forum and learned a few abbreviations such as
BBNU- budak baru nak up
MBNU- mak baru nak up
Anak ORKA- orang kaya
And they use all sorts of nicknames for celebrities/ instafamous people.

Wow. This is like the time when I just found out what was PJJ almost 10 years ago.
Me: PJJ tu apa?
Staff: Perhubungan jarak jauh.
Me: (There's a term for LDR in Malay!?) Ohhh...LDR...
Staff: LDR tu apa?
Me: Long distance relationship.

- And a few months ago, I was browsing IG and came across Azah Aziz the ex- actress who married the Canadian guy.

I used to love her. I remember, even as a child, I always thought she was pretty, has really good teeth, even though she was not fair.

I grew up thinking I wasn't fair, so to have a dark, pretty heroine gave me hope. (In the end, I found out I was actually quite fair. I used to buy dark coloured make up because I really thought I was not fair! True story! I also thought I wasn't slim, and I used to buy a lot of M size which didn't fit me well)

Anyway, I loved Cinta Antara Benua and Cinta Korporat, both made me wanna go study and live abroad and have my own version of love story- didn't happen, no love story except that I met my husband there...

Now, I'm determined to re-watch the series as soon as i have free time. Saja, nak menggamit kenangan lalu...Berangan sungguh! Haha!

I've got somebody calling me from the UK for 2 days in a row but I'm scared to pick up the phone. Haha. Boleh ke takut dengan phone call? I'm pretty sure it's not somebody I know, because, well, they can Whatsapp me instead, right? Tried googling, but nothing came up.
So, any of you know whether this is a scam or something?

And, I have another question.

Anyone of you have extra tickets to go to KRU concert at Istana Budaya in May? Tickets to let go? I'm willing to pay RM500 max...

You see, I was excited to go but none of my friends did! So uncool, right? But they think I'm the uncool one. *Rolls eyes*

The replies I got

- I didn't know you're a big fan...
Well, I'm not. But it's one of the local bands that had caught my attention and I can sing along with! I don't want to go to a concert where I don't know the lyrics...

- I'm saving for Perhentian trip

- I'm already going to see Bruno Mars

- I'm working that weekend because I want to avoid working during Ramadhan

- I'll be busy with the election's coming up

You see, when I was overseas, whenever I missed Malaysia, I would listen to KRU. My favourite is Apa Saja because I think it is so romantic.
I also like Flop Poppy.
I listened to other songs too, but they are usually a one-hit-wonder.
And I already missed Sheila Majid's performance before!

And our gang usually would find a reason to go to Istana Budaya whenever we're back in Malaysia. Because we liked to dress up and pretend we were posh. Haha!
And...It was not so hard to secure a ticket back then. Plus, it was not that expensive too.

Anyway, KRU is so for 90s kids! And it's going to be in Istana Budaya, where it's not gonna be hot and sweaty! But I failed to convince everybody!

My husband had the best reply:

Him: But KRU ni macam budak-budak lah...
Me: What!!! They are my abang-abang!

So, I knew he wasn't interested and no way I am going alone like a freak!
Then, I gave up.

But, my super sweet husband asked me last weekend,

Him: You pergi ke konsert KRU?
Me: Tak...Semua kawan I tak nak pergi...
Him: Bila tu? You nak pergi kan...You belilah. I temankan.
Me: *Mata bersinar-sinar* Yeay!
Him: Tapi, kesian lah budak berdua ni...
Me: Ala, tinggal je lah! 3 jam je pun...(Susahnya nak tinggal anak. Perhaps I should write a separate entry on my theory why he is the way he is)

Checked for tickets- all that's left is the really expensive ones.

Me: Ala...Dah sold out...
Him: Wow, KRU pun sold out?
Me: Ye lah...Ramai orang suka KRU okay...Tinggal tiket mahal je...RM1300...
Him: Kalau tengok Mariah Carey, I sanggup.
Me: Ala...I hafal tau lagu dia...*Disappointed*

Him: Kalau Saleem buat concert, I nak tengok. I suka suara dia.
Me: Saleem?
Him: Ala, yang drug addict tu. Walaupun dia drug addict, suara dia sedap. I sanggup bayar.
Me: Buat apa you bayar dia! Dia drug addict. Nanti, dia beli dadah!
Him: Dia dah tua dah...Takkan tak insaf insaf lagi...

Anyway,
Hahaha...My husband and I from totally different worlds...
Saleem? He likes Saleem! And Amy Search. And Awie.
Euw. Hahahaha...

I remember one time when we were shopping, he saw Amy Search and asked for a picture together. Hahahaha...

I have a picture with Jason Mraz and I don't think my husband knows him.

I searched on Carousell too, but they are all reserved. I'm so saddddd!!!

Okay. So, yeah, I'm scouting for a pair of tickets. Please email me if you have! I'm willing to risk my anonymonity to get them.

I am gaining weight- not a good sign.

I don't mind if I was in my early 20s, even though I was heavier, but I was not flabby. I was montok.
Now, gaining weight just means that I am not fit.

I stopped breatfeeding a few months ago. As expected, my body is suddenly so sensitive with the amount of food that I take. Previously, I was hungry and ate and I would still be 49-50kg.
Not anymore.

If I don't control my weight now, I'm pretty sure, soon, I will not fit into my zold clothes anymore. They are already tight now!

I know I need to control my appetite. But, you know lah, food nowadays, they purposely give you a bigger portion so you just have to pay more and they can make easy profits.

So cunning right? End up I'd feel guilty for spending and not finishing...

Anyway, when I see people praising new mothers who get back in shape, I'll be like- hey, I do too! It is not that hard...
Haha...Berlagak kan...
I mean, you can see all over Instagram, all these mothers rupa macam anak dara.
At least, I'm not that pretty.
I mean, those people, dahlah slim, cantik pula tu, pandai dressing, siap ada masa nak mekap mekap, lepas tu, pandai posing ambil gambar! So not fair!

Sometimes, I tell myself, I can be like that too if I were that rich, or if I were a housewife.
But, noooo...

Did I ever tell you about the time when I was so depressed, I stayed home for about one month? I was really not in the mood to go out at all, I avoided people and just be with my kids.

When they napped, I did too...I basically didn't need to move around so much...I was in ny PJs the whole day...

Yeah, so I was comot and gaining weight.

See, staying at home made ME, not everyone, but ME, lazy.

So, that pretty much made me realize, I can't even make myself beautiful even if I stayed home.
So pathetic. Haha.

At least my husband thinks I am beautiful. I hope.

I dreamt that somebody had a crush on me and flirted with me. Haha.

I told him I have 2 kids and am happily married.

I wanted to tell my husband- Ada orang mengorat I!

But I wrongly sent the text message in the office whatsapp group and got majorly embarassed.

I woke up feeling pleasant, haha, what a funny dream!

However, I pray to God that our loyalty and love towards each other will never get challenged or compromised.

It's scary, especially when you hear a lot of stories of unfaithfulness nowadays.

Actually, I am writing this to tell you that...
I am no longer a facial spa virgin! Yeay!

So, after work, my friend sort of forced me to follow her...

I never really asked her about her facial treatment, except that I told her I never had one, and she got married recently, so she is all into this beauty thing...

What I learned/ not learned

- I don't know why we need to strip down when the beautician only concentrates on the face, neck and shoulder areas

- I got really bad review about my skin. Luckily, I am older now, so no hard feelings

- I finally found out the type of skin I have! Dry skin!

- sakit lah time dia picit picit tu! But so good...Because you don't have to do it yourself. It can be quite tiring, especially if you have skin like mine.
And my face didn't turn red. How did she do it!

- I like the eye massage because I instantly could see the difference

- my friend excitedly told me that the beautician can do my eyebrows too. I'm like, "No, it's fine, maybe next time..."
And she said, "Okay, I trim saja lorh..."

Me- frozen.
The first time anybody touched my eyebrows was on the day I got married. I didn't know how to say No at that time. I pray God wil forgive me and promised I won't do it again.
Then, yesterday, somebody trimmed my eyebrows

- now I understand why some celebrities become prettier and fairer, and why some look so timeless...
The amount of time and money they spend to maintain the youthful looks...

----

So, would I do it again? Yes. But maybe at a different place. Just because of the eyebrow incident. Perhaps I should try the normal Muslim facial spa next.

I was upset for the past few days. Actually, I still am sad about it because whenever I think about it, I cry or almost cry.

Basically, *Aliah told me about what *Betty and *Celine think about me. They are not good opinions. Betty and Celine have never even met me in person and they already have bad impressions on me.

So, Betty called Aliah, probably about other matters, but she mentioned me, so I guess they must have been talking a great length about me, exchanging views and digging my history that I don't want people to know. I'm sure they all know now.

Aliah herself, is not a great person to be close with. Sometimes, she's nice, or acting nice, you just don't know. We just have to be careful.

Anyway, now that I'm upset, I keep thinking- why are some people so mean?

As I'm trying to analyse this, I asked myself not to jump into conclusions. Perhaps it's a small matter, but I'm just being extra anxious.

Is Aliah mean?
Is Betty mean?
Is Celine mean?
I don't know.

Then, who's fault is it? Is it my fault?

Do they even know how hurtful it is to me? I am a 30 plus year old lady, with 2 kids, and I still cry about work (or it's the PMS).

This is pathetic.

----

Because of this episode, I want to remind myself and my children that God is fair.

I truly believe He is fair, that He makes everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses.

Aliah may be successful, but she has problems in her marriage.
Betty may think she's smart, but she's unmarried and doesn't have children (it may be her own choice, but whatever, let me have my moment, okay?)
Celine- well, I don't know much about her, but maybe, a lot of people don't like her too? Who knows. Yang penting, she's not perfect either.

So, the lesson here is- Stay humble.

Do not think you are above anyone else.

Have I seen an almost perfect person? Sure, I have. But they do not offend me, so, I'm happy for them, maybe they really deserve all that blessings.

But hey, to those who think I am stupid and cannot do my job properly-
At least I am happy at home.

If all my efforts go unappreciated, it's okay, because I do it with ikhlas.

----

I also realized I'm not really good in expressing myself other than to write about it.

I told my friend that I was upset and she asked me out, but I just can't bring myself to tell her what exactly happened.

I cried in the loo, washed my face, had lunch and talked about everything else, as if I was unaffected, as if I was joking about it.

I really need to get professional help. Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? Do I need to quit my job? Maybe I should migrate.

Sigh. I just want to have a stress free life.

In the 90s, I was a kid and a teenager.
Boy, it was a great time. Especially when I was in secondary school.
I kearned a lot, discovered a lot of things, went out with my friends almost monthly to Sunway Pyramid (we were just 14 and our parents let us! How cool was that!)...
Also, we laughed a lot. I remember always looking forward to school so I could meet my friends and gossip. And we continued talking at home via the landline.
I began to listen to music and memorising the lyrics. Those days, you could just listen properly and it will stuck with you forever- I know because I can still sing along to the music, even now :)

Whenever I listen or watch certain music/ videos from that era, I always, always feel very nostalgic. I would smile, not because I can remember all the details of my life back then, but because I could remember how I felt- pure happiness.

No heartbreaks, no struggles, very minimal obstacles...Life was awesome!

Then, college and university...This was the time when I watched a lot of movies. I frequented the cinemas because...I didn't really go clubbing or bars...So, the cinema was the entertainment I could afford.

I watched all kinds of movies. I even went alone sometimes, early in the morning.
I realized I didn't mind doing things alone.

Now, I haven't set a foot in the cinema for many, many years, it's pathetic.

No lah, it's not really pathetic. I have a gorgeous family, what more can I ask for.
I pray my children would have awesome memories too growing up.
Please include me in your good memories. Be good to me. Love me like I love you both now and forever...

Dida told me about our friend, Yana, who said, "My life would have been perfect if I had a child."

She does have everything else except that.

Dida told her off. "You should be grateful!"

Dida's sister had a son, the only child. He was 9 years old when the parents brought him to Indonesia. It has been a yearly ritual, to bring him overseas, and return on his birthday's eve, so he could celebrate his birthdays with his other family members.

During the trip, he got sick. When he arrived, he was so weak, he couldn't walk. They rushed him to a hospital. (They went to a GP in Indonesia, and was given anti diarrhoea)

Dida was at the hospital too. He said, "Auntie Dida, you are here."

Dida saw him fitting on the hospital bed. Dida and the child's parents witnessed the CPR.

He passed away on his 9th birthday.

His last words were, "I'll be okay."

:(

Dida's sister had a maid. She was nice, but she made a mistake. She ran away and got pregnant. She returned, asking Dida's sister to adopt the child.

Since the boy had no siblings, he begged his parents for a brother. They agreed.

2 weeks after Dida's nephew died, the maid ran away again as she couldn't bear living in a house without him (she loved the boy like her own). 

The baby was about 2 months old.

Now, the baby is 2 years old.

-----

But life is not perfect.

My life would have been relatively perfect too, if I had that one thing that I really want, but I don't know whether I will ever get.

However, I'm happy that I have a comfortable life.

I respect people who survived tragedies.

They must have been special to go through it.