Saturday, July 19, 2008

imanku goyah.

Once upon a time, I used to pray 5 times a day. As soon as the Adzan called, I rushed to perform my prayer. Even though I didn't cover my aurat (I still haven't), I would not miss a prayer. I even prayed on a long haul flight, always making sure I brought the proper attire everywhere I went. I would feel very, very guilty and imagined myself getting burn in hell if I missed a prayer on purpose. No excuse was above it, I wanted to go clubbing, I prayed first, I came back from clubbing, I made myself stay awake til morning, so I wouldn't miss the Subuh prayer. What if I slept through and did not wake up ever again? I was afraid of dying before completing the compulsory.

Slowly, after I migrated overseas, I was beginning to do last-minute prayers. I eventually only performed four prayers a day, three, two or one-a-day, sometimes none at all. Perhaps, it was my surroundings. Perhaps, it was the difficulties to do it in a foreign country.

This still goes on.

I am not proud of myself. However, the guilt I now have is not as strong as I used to feel. I regret for letting this happens to me because now, I am having a tough time building back the discipline I used to have. It took me over two decades to achieve the 'nirvana' and I foolishly let it slip within a few years.

Realizing how fragile I am when alone, I've decided not to spend the rest of my life abroad. Something must be done or I'll end up influenced into having casual sex.

Right now, I am trying to improve the numbers of prayers I do per day. I am not being consistent though. Like I said, it's tough. I am too lazy and God-fearless. Sometimes, I am being too selfish for thinking the ablution will ruin my make-ups.

On the other hand, I don't want to rot in hell!

My boyfriend does not know this, but he plays a role in the process.

He often asks, "Dah solat?" which I'd reply, "Kejap lagi," and then, I would perform my prayer (or not). Of course, it would be shameful of me if I were to reply, "Kejap lagi," everytime, so sometimes, I would solat before he asks, just so I could tell him, "I dah solat. You sudah?"

Lately, I find myself using this motivation to make me solat:
God will pair a good woman with a good man and a good man with a good woman.

From the above, my logic tells me:
If my boyfriend prays, I must pray too, because I want to be his equal so our jodohs will meet.

Although I do the solat, I know it is of the wrong intention, I don't do it fully because of Allah Taala (but to marry this man instead).
But it is a start, eh?

1 comment:

Z3MMs said...

Ouch.. you made me feel terrible about myself... I better go muhasabah diri as well... :P