Friday, July 4, 2008

emotions within a hug

I held him close and hugged him really tight. My head was rested on his strong, left shoulder. He had an arm on my back. I wished he had hugged me back with both of his arms, or at least stroking my hair with the other.

He couldn't see my face but I wondered if he knew what I wanted to say.

I am bad with spoken words. I drafted what I wanted to tell in my head, in English. I didn't want to sound like a sappy English novel. I began to translate it to Malay. They sounded even worse. So, I let everything lingered in my head, in my heart, hoping for a miracle would make him read me.

As tears were forming, I recited this:
"Thank you. Thank you for being so kind. Thank you for being so patient. Why is it difficult for us? I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I love you. So much. So much. For the way you are. I know you've done a lot for me and I appreciate every single one. I will love you when you are old, when you are poor. I will take care of you when you are sick. I want to stay like this forever. I feel so comfortable, so safe like this. I don't know what I'd do if you are not here. Please don't leave me. You are for me."

Silence.

He pulled me a little, "I don't want you to get into troubles for going out late with me."

I refused to move, blinking a couple of or more times, buying a few more seconds, for the water in my eyes to dry.

I finally let go. I smiled. Behind the curve of my lips, I thought, "There are so many things I want to say, to tell you, but I can't bring myself to it. Do you know?"

Does he know why I like to hug him?
Pretending the time is still. Wishing he could listen me. Wanting to be close.

2 comments:

pel said...

you know what, sometimes i can feel that we're in the same shoes.

green apple said...

beb,

ko buat aku nak nangis okkk.
I have been there, it was tough.
Just don't give up, there's always a solution for everything.