Post-argument.

One day after the argument (which I wrote about below), my boyfriend called me telling his good news:
"I am building 47 houses. Now, choose which house do you want? A corner lot?" there was pride in his voice.
It took me a few seconds to think for a comeback, "Projek tu dekat Terengganu kan? I don't want to live in Terengganu! Do you want to live in Terengganu?"
He laughed, "No. Tapi semalam you bising-bising I tak beli rumah kan? See...I know la what to do...You don't worry okay...Hal rumah ni kecil je...Kalau ade rumah yang sesuai, I beli cepat-cepat. Bukan I tak nak beli, I just want to buy a house that we both like".

Alhamdulillah.

My boyfriend totally understands why sometimes I can be so impatient.

If my parents found out about this, they will add another reason to their 'Why he is not suitable for our daughter' list. I could imagine the conversation would go like this:

- So, he doesn't have a house eh? Is he expecting you to support him after this? What kind of man is he?
(But father, mother, it's not like he doesn't have a stable income, he's just...)
- We think he is irresponsible. Don't expect him to change after marriage.
- Your brothers bought their own houses before their marriages. Even you have a house!
(Tapi dia baik!)
- Macam dia seorang lelaki yang baik dekat dunia ni. Ramai lagi lelaki yang baik dan bertanggungjawab.
(He's not irresponsible!)

Then, the same things will be repeated, nothing new here:

- How do you know? He spends his money on cars, isn't he? Are you even sure he's using his own money?
- He doesn't look like he could afford it. He could be a drug dealer.
(How could you! Okay, fine, does this mean I could date anyone who is rich like a photographer, a chef, a F1 driver or a footballer?)
- We don't understand why you can't fall in love with a professional or someone who has a Master degree or something!
(He is not stupid!)
- Your friend, ** married an accountant. **'s boyfriend is a doctor, isn't he? Your friend, the architect or that engineer or that guy who is the son of so and so, he comes from a good family. Why don't you flirt them? Zaman sekarang, dah tak kisah kalau perempuan mulakan dulu. Jangan takut...
(Dah tak suka! Nak buat macam mana!)
- Tak kisahlah siapa pun, asalkan kerja bagus! Awak tu perempuan, belajar tinggi-tinggi, takkan nak settle dengan someone like him...
(He is not stupid and he is successful in what he's doing! Buat apa dapat lelaki gaji besar tapi kaki minum dan tak sembahyang!)
- Eh, pandai-pandai cakap orang tu tak sembahyang.
(Habis tu, father and mother accused my boyfriend for dealing drugs, tak ape pulak?)

I swear if my parents are rich and fanatic enough to protect me, they'll hire a private investigator just to prove my boyfriend is a drug dealer.

Just because he is not handsome, it doesn't mean he cannot afford good cars! If you look really close, he's not that bad! Ada manisnya jugak!
Macamlah my brothers tu handsome sangat. My parents are comparing my boyfriend with my ex-boyfriend, memanglah tak sama!

Besides, I prefer someone who is humble, down to earth and full of surprises rather than someone who just looks the part but actually very cold, mean and empty inside.
I am the one who requested him to pick me up in a lorry just to annoy my colleagues. He never done it though, because he doesn't have a lorry license. When I asked him to let the lorry driver drive the lorry, he refused because he doesn't want me to be sandwiched between him and the driver. "The lorry driver could have naughty hands," he said.

Come to think of it, father probably would have his heart attack if he ever sees me in a lorry.
"Father, look! My boyfriend has a chauffeur too! He drives a lorry! Do you still think he is a drug dealer who sells drugs on his lorry?"
LOL!

I think my parents will be very happy if I could get someone like Dr. SMS (the astronout) to fall in love with me. But, of course, I should be as pretty and smart as his girlfriend, Dr. Halina, if I'm not mistaken her name is. I am not!
Maybe I should aim that second astronout instead, Dr. Faiz. Engku Emran? He's taken. Or that 76-year-old Tan Sri of Sapura?

Anyway...
A commenter of my previous post said this: Men do things at their own pace and they don't update all the little progress to their partners, unlike women.

That's very true and actually, I am very aware of this. I think most women are, we just can be impatient sometimes.

Property.

I pestered my boyfriend to buy a house. I don't mind living in an apartment even, I just think somebody who is serious to get married has to have all the necessities ready. You are not being responsible if you are not prepared to take care of your spouse.

My boyfriend said he has a land. I said, a land is not enough. We need a house, somewehere to move into, a house to start a new life as husband and wife.We are not going to live with my parents. Not yet. We will live with my parents when they are too old to take care of themselves. It's crazy to live with my parents when they don't like my boyfriend in the first place!

We argued.

He said he wanted to buy a house, he already paid the deposit, but the contract was violated and he cannot sue him. It's not that easy. Yes, I do understand. But that doesn't mean the house hunting should stop. I know it's difficult to buy a suitable house now in KL/ Selangor.

I was guilty because I proceeded to say mean things to him.
I didn't mean to hurt him. I was just trying to advise him, trying to put some senses into his head, but I guess I was too harsh and too insensitive.

I said, why didn't he think about buying a house when he was much younger. We wouldn't be facing this problem when everything has been settled early. He said he didn't have a girlfriend that time and was only having the time of his life, being single and no commitment. That's why he didn't buy any property.

I was mad, so I told him, when my pilot friend was 21, he already bought a condo with his own money. (I was poor when I was 21 because I was still studying) Now, where the hell should we buy a house, Putrajaya is an okay place, but it's far and the schools are new. I want to live in a place where good schools are near for my children. Damansara is expensive and most of them are condominiums. I want to live in a Semi-D, at least. I scolded him for being ignorant when he was younger.

He defended himself by saying he never planned to move out from his hometown. By this time, I raised my voice, a smart person will buy properties in KL/ Selangor to let them. How can he not have a thinking like this? I am younger than him, and I a woman, even I know how to play the market! House properties increase in price over time. My boyfriend is more interested to spend money on big cars. I told him, cars don't generate money and they don't last long. There will always be a newer car model, just like mobile phones.

I think his ego was challenged by this, he said, "I don't do bank loans. You know me, I don't do loans!" I told him that there's nothing wrong in loans, people do it all the time, it's normal. He then said, no, loans are for people who don't have their own money. I said, fine, then go buy a decent house by cash, if you insist! Where are all your cash? You've spent it on your cars and motorbikes, didn't you? And you go shopping buying expensice clothes. Now, tell me, can we take shelter in your shoes? Sarcasm.

That's what I am doing now, I working my ass off to satisfy you and your parents, he said. "Since when you become so materialistic like this?" he continued saying. I know things would get worse if I didn't shut up, so I was in silence. I let him talk: You don't know how much money I've spent to get these projects. Sakit kepala pikir perangai orang macam-macam, kena tipu lagi...You tengok I kerja macam senang, tapi you tak tahu I......

I let him talk what he feels:

Look, that's why I want to marry you okay? I feel so wrong to burden you with my problems, I don't want to interrupt your work, I know you have your own problems too. Besides, if we are married, I am more comfortable to tell you about my work, about money, about everything. At least, when I go to bed, I have you by my side. Right now, all I could do is sakit kepala before I sleep. Talking to you is always relieving, but I still have to limit what I could tell you. I don't want to talk money with you. I don't want you to think I am like that. Rezeki bila-bila masa Tuhan boleh bagi, boleh hilang. I work hard to have you. You know I will fight to win you. Right now, I need to know you will always stand by me.
I will buy a house for us. Can you please be patient?

*********************

So, anyway, what annoys me the most is the part when he didn't save money when he was younger. When we were 21, my male friends were starting to save money from our monthly allowence just in case, and they didn't even have girlfriends back then!

Am I being materialistic to request for a house?

It's called survival instinct! Every human has it! Except for some men...Because some of them are not human enough!

Jangan menghina dan selalulah bersyukur.

Saya suka dengan tulisan orang ini tentang perhimpuan gelombang kuning baru-baru ini.

Saya mahu negara saya aman damai.
Saya sedih melihat negara saya huru hara.

Ramai yang berkumpul untuk suka-suka.
Ramai juga yang berkumpul membawa kanak-kanak.
Ramai yang berhimpun mahu menegakkan keadilan.
Tapi berapa yang berhimpun untuk di masjid untuk menunaikan sesuatu yang wajib?
Ramai yang menjerit-jerit.
Tapi berapa yang berdoa?

Ramai yang benci polis.
Sila jangan benci polis.
Polis hanya menjalankan tugas.
Tapi jangan kata mereka anjing yang mengikut kata.
Jangan hina mereka.

Polis juga manusia.

Tidak semua orang sehebat kamu, para jurutera, para peguam, para profesional sekalian.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu dikurniakan minda yang cerdas.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu punya wang untuk ke kelas tambahan supaya dapat bantu kamu dapat keputusan yang cemerlang.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu datang dari keluarga yang sentiasa mendorong kamu untuk berjaya.

Tidak semua orang bertuah seperti kamu.
Jadi jangan hina orang lain jika kamu tak pernah merasai kesusahan orang lain, paling tidak, cuba untuk memahami kesusahan orang lain.

Kamu berjaya sekarang ni pun, entah-entah sebab bapa kamu dapat tender-tender sebab berbaik-baik dengan menteri, kan?

Jangan hina orang lain, nanti terkena batang hidung sendiri.

Jangan ajar budak-budak untuk hina orang lain.
Bayangkan perasaan anak-anak polis apabila mereka mendapat tahu bahawa ramai orang benci ayah dan/ atau ibu mereka kerana polis jahat.
Jika polis jahat, tentulah generasi akan datang tidak bercita-cita hendak jadi polis.

Jadi, siapa mahu jadi polis?

Ramai orang tidak bersyukur dengan kedudukan mereka.
Ramai orang marah-marah bila harga tol naik, harga minyak naik, harga tepung naik, harga bil air naik.
Kerajaan pula guna duit rakyat menghantar orang pergi ke angkasa, memang tak patut!

Tapi, kenapa masih ramai orang sanggup beli rokok yang mahal?
Kenapa masih ramai orang sanggup beli arak yang mahal?

Kadang-kadang kita terlupa bahawa ada sesetengah rakyat di benua Afrika yang kebuluran.
Ada sesetengah rakyat negara China yang bekerja siang malam di kilang-kilang tapi diberi gaji yang terlalu sedikit semata-mata kita mahukan barang yang murah!

Kamu tidak rasa syukur dengan kos perubatan yang begitu rendah di negara ini?
Begitu rendah sehinggakan gaji para doktor yang kekurangan pun tidaklah setinggi mana.
Kalau ikut logik, bila produk berkurangan, demand tinggi, harga patut melambung!

Manusia kalau tak bersyukur, memang tak pernah puas.

Kalau tak tahu bersyukur, Tuhan pun tak hendak tolong.

Islam pula menyarankan kita untuk berwasatiah.
Wasatiah itu maksudnya berpada-pada.
Jadi janganlah fanatik terhadap sesuatu parti atau ideologi (tidak kira samada sayap kanan atau kira), berpada-padalah...

Ramai cakap Pak Lah suka tidur.
Jangan hina orang lain.
Kamu pernah jadi Perdana Menteri?
Kamu berbual-bual di mamak sampai lewat malam, bila pagi menjelma, kamu mengantuk, kamu tidur.
Kamu pernah fikir, mungkin Perdana Menteri penat memikirkan masalah negara?
Kamu tahu berapa jam Pak Lah tidur setiap hari?
Kalau tak tahu, jangan hina orang lain.
Cuba bayangkan, kamu seorang lelaki 60 tahun.
Cergas lagikah kamu? Masih energetik?

Hormatilah beliau kerana beliau pemimpin kamu.
Jika kamu sendiri tak hormat pada pemimpin sendiri, siapa lagi?
Sekurang-kurangnya, hormatilah beliau sebagai orang yang lebih tua, lebih 'wise' dari kamu.

Jika kamu rasa you could do a better job than him, why don't you join the election and compete to become the next Prime Minister

Sekadar nak mengingatkan jangan menghina orang lain.
Jangan banyak merungut, jangan kuat complaint, jangan kuat whining, banyakkan bersyukur.

Kalau nak mengubah dengan cara yang berkesan, perlu ada etika. Tunjukkan teladan yang baik. Jangan jadi jahiliah.

Ingatlah wahai pembaca sekalian.

A small, black dot on a piece of white paper.

What do you see?
You say, "A small, black dot!"
I say, "What about the rest of the white paper? Don't you see it?"

Manusia memang mudah nampak yang negatif walaupun kecil.
Tapi perkara-perkara positif yang banyak-banyak susah nak lihat, kan?

Sekarang tak apa, negara masih selamat (agaknya), masing-masing ada pendapat sendiri.
Saya cuma berharap, kalau ada tentangan dari musuh luar, kita warganegara mesti bersatu padu. Lupakan sengketa lama OK?

Lelaki kampung.

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I used to ignore him a lot. Friends always come first. So, everytime I was with my friends, it would take a very long time for me to reply his SMSes. Also, whenever he called, I would turn on my cold shoulders on him and ended our conversation fast.

Not that I didn't love him, I. Just. Don't. Know.

So, because it would take me so long to reply his SMSes, he would worry and started to give me 'Missed Calls'. I hate this part the most because it was so embarassing to receive 'Missed Calls' from a grown up! Not just once, but many until I finally had to give him a reply!
I understood his situation though, he was still a student and he never asked money from his parents. He needed to save money. He even worked part-time to support himself.

Jadi, tak payahlah call terus kan? Risau sangat...

I did explain to him that whenever I was with my friends, I would be extra excited to gossip and I couldn't afford to spare my time just to reply his unimportant SMSes like, "Dah makan?" or "Sihat?"

I was a bad, bad girlfriend.

Tetapi,
The most annoying part is when I sulked after we had an argument, and he still dared to give me 'Missed Calls' as a way to make up to me!

We broke up years ago.

Before we ended our relationship, we were separated by distance. I didn't believe in long-distance relationship. Why? Because I know long-distance relationship won't work WITH HIM.

All we did was sending SMSes to each other. I was the one who always had to call. He called me once in a blue moon, and most of the time he called me from a public phone!
I missed him so much but calling from a public phone wasn't so private (duh!) and we couldn't be all mushy and stuff.
He had limited coins in his hands, so I couldn't talk to him as long as I wanted.
Before I even finished the things I wanted to say to him, there would be 'beep' sounds indicating he was running out of money and we had to hang up abruptly!

At first, my ex-boyfriend didn't want to let me go. (Ada pulak tak jadi break up sebab one party disagrees?) I lied to him that I didn't reply his SMSes because I was at a club because I know he hates girls who go clubbing. Berdosa. One day, he suddenly said okay. I soon found out he said okay after he found a replacement. Bodoh!

My ex-boyfriend was not stingy at all, he was just not well-off.
He always tried to be romantic but ended up a little bit silly. Like the time he bought me plastic blue flowers! Or like the time he went to a funfair in his hometown and gave me this weird, small bunny (or at least I thought it was a bunny). Or the time he went to Pulau Pangkor and my souvenir was this cheap keychain!

I don't hate him because of his financial status, I hate him because he was a cheater. I remember I was feeling depressed and angry, I told my friends what a cheapskate he was, he who didn't appreciate all the money I spent on him. Babi!

Coincidentally, my two other friends just broke up with their boyfriends too, and we totally bashed on them, saying nasty things like, "Jangan harap aku nak cari lelaki miskin lagi, tak guna!"

One of my friends even sent money all the way from the UK to her boyfriend. He treated her so bad, I am glad she left him. But of course, she was depressed for a weeks and decided to splurge in Paris.
Another friend loved and called her boyfriend almost everyday when she was in the UK but he left her just because she refused to live with him in Kedah. He also had a problem with my friend being the daughter of a Datuk.

We were so hurt and sad and angry, we swore not to fall in love with a poor, inferior, kampung boy ever again!

Fast forward, all the three of us love our NEW, not so poor, confident, kampung boys. Haha!

The importance of teaching English to kids, when they are still sponges.

My 8-year-old niece, Nur, is number 8 in her class and her batch.

Me: Nombor lapan! Siapa dapat nombor satu?
Nur: Budak India. Nombor satu sampai nombor tujuh semua budak India, tak ada Melayu langsung.
Me: Are you trying to tell me you are the smartest Malay in your school?
Nur: Ye la...Next budak Melayu dapat nombor berapa entah.
Me: Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai?
Nur: Sebab tak pandai cakap English.
Me: Awak kan sekolah Melayu, bukan sekolah Inggeris, belajar guna Bahasa Melayu.
Nur: English lah!
Me: Oh, sorry, sorry, Auntie lupa. Sekarang Matematik dan Sains dalam bahasa Inggeris...Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai English? Sekolah Nur kan banyak bangsa lain...Nur tak kawan dengan mereka?
Nur: Kawan...
Me: Nur guna bahasa Melayu atau bahasa Inggeris?
Nur: English lah!
Me: You must speak in English with them okay...Nanti lama-lama dah tak fluent. Budak Melayu lain cakap English tak?
Nur: Budak Melayu tak pandai cakap English...Nur yang paling pandai...
Me: Kenapa?
Nur: Auntie...Nur kan dulu tadika English! Budak Melayu dekat sini semuanya tadika Agama!
Me: Hahahahaha...Patutlah sampai sekarang Nur tak pandai mengaji lagi!
Nur: Nur sekarang dah Iqra' lapan lah!
Me: So, Nur tak dapat hadiah lah macam ni.
Nur: Tak dapat.
Me: Hadiah dari Mama and Papa?
Nur: Tak dapat! Boringlah duduk rumah! Cuti tak buat apa-apa.
Me: Lets play a game. From now on, we talk in English. Whoever breaks the rule will be punished. Can you do that?
Nur: No problem!
Me: Do you want to follow me to The Curve?
Nur: Yes, yes, yes!

Panic attack.

So much is going on with my mind right now.

I am scared seeing couples who were married last year, or last two years but are now divorced.

They don't have children yet, perhaps that's why it is so easy to walk out on each other?

But isn't it too early?
On the other hand, isn't ending it now better than dragging it until it is too late?

They have known and loved each other for years, 5 years at least, before tying the knot.
Now it all means nothing.

My boyfriend and I? Are we strong enough?

I am frightened to see how some people lie too.

"Hello, I am single, and those are not my children, I don't know them. In fact, I have never seen them in my life."

"I swear, in the name of God!"

What my boyfriend tells to comfort me may have some truth in it afterall.
"Biar susah sekarang, tapi nanti kita bahagia, okay?"

I am a Muslim.

"Abang, I feel like dancing. I wanna go clubbing," I said.
"Kenapa tiba-tiba?"
"Entah...Mengidam pula tonight," I chuckled. "Can you imagine if I were pregnant and suddenly I wanted to go clubbing? Maklumlah...Dah mengidam..."
"Ye la tu! You duduk rumah, baca Quran!"
"I tahulah...Nanti besar, anak dalam perut jadi kaki clubbing," I said followed by a pause, before I continued to say, "Eleh...You tak bagi I selalu clubbing, but when you were my age, you lagi banyak clubbing dari I!"
"I lain...I entertain orang..."
"Jangan nak tipu....You tak pernah entertain orang dekat clubs...You clubbing suka-suka you je!"
"Haha! You know me too well..."

When I was in primary school, I only wore baju kurung on Fridays.
Since little, I was told, "Disco itu haram. Rumah syaitan".

In Standard 4, I started to wear more baju kurung than pinafores. Peer pressures. More and more friends were wearing baju kurung instead of pinafores. Besides, I was still not lady-like. One teacher scolded me for not sitting properly and let everybody see my panties. Budak lagi katakan...

I remember I had a talk with a friend of mine, "Bila nak pakai tudung?" We agreed to start wearing tudung after we finish school.

In standard 6, I wore the tudung after an ustazah brain-washed us. My friends started to cover their heads. Again, peer pressures. Mother was surprised but didn't object. I still remember, in my class, there were only 5 hijab-less girls. (My classmates were all Muslims).
This is the time when most children, or shall I say, adolescents try to develop their own identities. They want to think and decide for themselves. They want to be accepted.
I only wore tudung to school.
One day, I decided not to wear skirts outside of the house.
I remember looking at my red skirt and put it on one side, the side of 'clothes to be worn at home only'. Saya sudah besar...I thought to myself.

At 13, mother wanted to buy pinafores for me but I protested.
"You want to wear tudung to school? Your cousin is 17 and she still wears pinafores! Mengada-ngadalah kamu ni," mother said.
I was a late bloomer. My period didn't come yet and I remember how happy I was to think, "Saya tak berdosa kalau tak sembahyang. Saya kan belum baligh!"

At 14, I wanted to wear tudung permanently because one my bestfriends just decided to wear it full-time.
Mother said, "Suka hati kamulah..."
A tiny voice inside me said, "Kata nak mula pakai tudung lepas habis sekolah..." but I knew it was time for me to cover my aurat.

At 16, I was transferred to a new school. It was compulsory for the Muslims to wear tudung. The school had many other strict rules. I became rebellious. This is the time when I started to ditch tudung. Some schoolmates talked about me behind my back, but I just didn't care. I do what what I want.
I learned the word 'clubbing' this year from a friend who told me about how her parents met (in a club) and how they dated (clubbing together) before they got married.

After school, I was sponsored by the government to further my studies abroad. I wore tudung because because everybody else did. Most of them didn't wear tudung outside the college though, just like me! So, I didn't feel indifferent. It felt normal to me.

Besides, how was I supposed to go clubbing with a tudung on?

I remember the first time I went clubbing. I was in the line, excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because, "I am entering rumah setan! Oh my God, I am so gonna be burnt in hell! Does this mean my solat won't be accepted for the next 40 days? Really? But I won't drink, I just come here to dance. Besides, somebody else is paying this for me. I am not using my own money, the money that is meant for study purposes, to jalan kemungkaran."

The next few visits, I made sure somebody was willing to pay for me. Or, I would only go when it is free. The truth is, until today, I never pay to go clubbing.

During college, I refused to study in the library because it is a public place where men would look at my aurat and I would accumulate sins by not covering myself. I thought, 'I've had enough sins going to clubs and going out without wearing tudung. Hence, I would hide myself from men of non-muhrim where and when possible. It's not like I can't study in my room...'

I went to study abroad and started to become permanently tudung-less.

Mother and father who used to advice me to take my tudung off because 'You are still young,' now wanted me to wear tudung.

I declined.
I started to wear skirts and shorts outside of the house again after so many years.

Mother and father were surprised but didn't actively forbid me. They just said, "Dah besar pun nak pakai skirt? Dulu nak sangat pakai tudung!"
"Sekarang tengah cantiklah nak pakai sexy...Nanti dah tua, orang cakap buang tebiat pula," I defended myself.

I promised myself I would wear the tudung when I reached 23.
23 came and went. Solat started to become less than 5 per day.

The guilt I had before going to clubs is no longer there. I compromised myself. A club, bar, disco...Tak apa masuk rumah setan kalau tak buat benda setan, kan?

But I still have the mentality of, "I've had enough sins revealing myself, holding and kissing my boyfriend and etc. Hence, I would try to avoid to do MORE sins when possible."
Which is why I don't shape my eyebrows.
And why I want to get married!

P/S: Still working on my 5 solat per day.

Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love

If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I`m standin` on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you

If I wake up in world war 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It`s okay if you coming` with me

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I lose my fame and fortune
And I`m homeless on the street
And I`m sleepin` in Grand Central Station
It`s okay if you`re sleepin` with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other`s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It`s okay as long as I got you babe

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I should die this very day
Don`t cry, cause on earth we wasn`t meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I`ll be waiting for you after the judgement day

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldnt hold us

Give back to the society.

Aiyo...I had a typo in my previous previous entry. No, it wasn't a typo, I made a mistake in choosing the correct word to describe my boyfriend. I didn't realized about it until 'eff' pointed that out. I guess, my mind was really in a mess that time. I meant the opposite.

Most people like him la, okay?

Oh, another thing I should mention in my 'About me', my English is not perfect. I sometimes struggle to write in English. My grammar is all over the place. My vocabulary is limited.

So, why not write in Malay, some of you may ask. I do, sometimes. I just want to get out from my comfort zone. And writing in English is my tool to mask myself. Some people could recognize the similarities in the way I speak and write.

****************

In highschool, I had always dreamt to obtain a license and freely drive the car to wherever I want. I wanted to do charity work because I knew I would have all the time in the world to do something beneficial for the society.

After I finished school, I began to search for charity home adresses. My tendency was towards rumah kebajikan orang miskin rather than orphanages.
Most people would donate to orphans.
Most people forget about the poor.

I may not have the money to give, but I wished to teach the underprivilage kids.

I had the addresses, but I never go to visit them.
I didn't know how I would approach them. I didn't know how they would welcome a lonely 17-year-old girl.
My friends were not interested. Most of them were already busy in colleges.

Two years passed by.

I was involved in a charity work for indigenous school kids.

It felt good because I felt like I was contributing to the society.

"Bapa saya kerja kilang, mak saya tak kerja," one them said.
"Kami bukan macam kakak-kakak dan abang-abang semua. Kami tak pandai belajar."
"Cita-cita saya nak jadi pak guard!"

I forgot about my experience with them until yesterday.

And today, I wish I had the power to change the world.

Don't envy us.

A person envies us, envies our relationship.
A person envies the determination my boyfriend has, the things he does to win me.

I was flattered.
If that person has faith in us, why shouldn't we have faith in us?

I cried thinking how blessed I am.
I cried thinking how fear I am.

I fear the nice things will come to an end.
I fear if we won't make it.

So, to that person:
Please don't envy us. We might not reach our happy endings. Do you want to be like us then?

Stuck in between.

"I told him (one of his bestfriends) that I am going to marry you, I can't wait to marry you," my boyfriend told me just now.

Most of my boyfriend's friends know about me. Most of them know how seriously involved my boyfriend is with me. How could one adult not be? Sometimes, I really don't understand how adults can be so childish, having affairs and flings here and there. Saying 'I love you' without actually mean it.
But this time, is one of the times, when my boyfriend spoke with determination, he spoke without doubt, it was one of the serious heart-to-heart conversation a man would have with his bestfriends.

"What did he say about it?" I asked.

"He asked me, 'When?'. I told him that I would tell my parents to see your parents next year. Do you think your parents will be mad if my parents come to see them?"

"I don't know," I am still unsure.

The topic about my relationship with my boyfriend has been avoided for months now. After the big fight a few months back, my parents and I pretended it never happened. Only once after the incidence mother did ask me, "Are you still in contact with him?"
Him.
She didn't even say his name out loud.
I told mother the truth, "Yes".
And that was that. No further response.

I really don't know how my parents are going to react if suddenly I announce, "His family is coming to our house next week."
I could imagine how it is going to be like. Mother and father would say, "No."
"Beranilah nak datang. Kami tak akan terima, we wouldn't open the gate," they would say, followed by long lectures of why I should choose someone else. I would plead, "Please don't embarass me", I would defend him, voices will be raised, tears will be shed, and I would lose the battle. Parents always win, don't you know? A daughter is helpless. Especially a daughter like me who doesn't have siblings to back me up. They wouldn't dare to interfere.

I'll end up looking like a gila meroyan girl, terkena sumpahan orang.

"Look at what he makes you turn into? We never teach you to become like this! He is a bad, bad influence, is this the kind of guy you want to marry? He makes you rude to us! Are you being ungrateful after all we have done for you?" my parents will accuse my boyfriend, they did that before. I know their game strategy. I will feel guilty. I will be left with no choice. To stop further accusations, I will have to calm myself, I will have to stop my tantrums. It is not his fault, stop blaming my boyfriend, he is a good person. That's how my parents win the battle.

My boyfriend's intention to wed me has became a known fact to his parents. But he is yet to persuade his parents to see my parents. "I still need to save money for the wedding," is his excuse to his parents. "We could help you out," his parents would offer. The truth is, money is not an issue.
But how could a son tell his parents, "Her parents don't like me. They say I am not good enough for her."
We are adults. We don't want our families to hate each other. I don't want my boyfriend to tell anybody how choosy my parents are. My boyfriend doesn't want anybody to know how much his girlfriend's parents hate him.

Siapa yang mahu membuka pekung di dada? Kami tidak mahu menconteng arang ke wajah sesiapa.

My boyfriend and I are stuck in between.

When I first introduced my boyfriend to my parents, I thought everything would go well. The possibility of my parents hating him never crossed my mind, not even once. He is perfect to me. He is a gentleman to my friends. He is the responsible son in his family. He is such a dear to his friends. He works in an environment where he deals with people of all ages. He woes most people. How could my parents not like him?

It was a shock to both of us. I wasn't prepared for this.

Our hopes collapsed. It was supposed to be running smoothly, it was supposed to be simple and straight to the point: introduction, acceptance, merisik, meminang, bertunang, marriage...

I wasn't prepared for this.

What went wrong?

I'm trying to stay optimistic. If God wants to put obstacles in my current love life, fine, but I hope I will be having easy success in other areas. I hope I will overcome the obstacles and be happy later in life.

I believe I can have everything I want, just not at the same time.

Well, my Lord, Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...Show me the correct path.

From time to time, I receive SMSes from a man in his forties. Because of our age difference and his appearance (he looks wise and decent), I trust him to be professional and platonic with our friend/ relationship (we are not exactly friends). I didn't hesitate to exchange phone numbers with him. I think of him as an acquiantance, a brother, or probably an uncle (?). Besides, he is single. I asked him why, but he never answers. I thought he was gay.

But lately, what bothers me is, the word 'sayang' he includes in the SMSes.

For example, last few days, he wished me Happy Aidilfitri, to which I replied: Baru sekarang bagi SMS raya? I prefer duit raya!
"Ala saje, ingat you," was his reply.
Okay, that was it. I didn't reply. What else should I say? There's nothing else to be said.
But he sent me another SMS, telling that he is having a headache. "Kalau you sentuh boleh cepat pulih".
"Me? As if I have magic hands. Go to sleep and you'll be fine," I replied. Platonic or not?
"Banyak rahsia sentuhan tau, nanti you belajar la...Bye sayang."

He is a good man, and wise, like I mentioned earlier. But I told him many times before that I have a boyfriend and I am seriously involved with him.

I am not cheating because my boyfriend knows about him and everytime I get his SMSes, I would tell my boyfriend. I rarely contact this guy, more like, once a month, and everytime, he is the one who initiates the contact.

Sometimes, it is flattering to know someone fancies you. But this guy gives me the shivers, not in a creepy kind of way, and my boyfriend does not know this.

I have the feeling he is the kind of guy who turns up at your parents' house, out of sudden merisik or masuk meminang.

So, maybe I am just being paranoid, but I don't know, I just have that feeling and other men don't give me this kind of feeling.

Why? Why? Why?

He doesn't harrass me with contant calls/ SMSes, he has never confessed his love towards me, just a few 'sayang' here and there. I know I shouldn't take it seriously because that could be his style communicating with women but why do I feel like this? Is this what we call, a woman's instinct?

He once mentioned he wanted me, he said he would wait for me, but I took it as a joke. Adakah saya seorang yang perasan?

I don't know.

Entahlah...Maybe because he is sort of alim-alim and you know la what alim people do...Suddenly without warning, "Ana mahu kahwin dengan ente (or is it anta? Whatever la, I don't know Arabic!)"

Tapi saya tak cukup alim, jadi jangan kahwin dengan saya!

He doesn't know where I live, so thank God.

Anyway, lately I have been so distant with God. For the past two years, it has been difficult for me to find the time to recite the Quran. After reading hansac's blog, I am determined to improve my relationship with God. Baca Quran berlagu-lagu...Solat tak boleh tinggal...

Tapi susah sangat nak pakai tudung.

Sometimes, when I am out and about wearing skirts, it is difficult for me to enter the surau to perform my solat. People always look. I feel like I am such a disgrace, dressing inappropriately in a surau.

I end up missing my solat.

I know I should give up wearing skirts or shorts, but...

Iman nipis...

Dying.

I read http://pausetoreflect.blogspot.com
Takziah.
I wonder if I could be as courageous as her.

I told my boyfriend about it, "He was 38 years old, sayang, and he passed away on his birthday."

I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I am afraid if the same thing happens to us. The possibility is there. The words just couldn't come out from my mouth. It's not that I am embarassed to tell him how much I love him, it is just, my feelings cannot be described by words...They are more than that. I hope he could feel how I feel towards him.

Everytime I think about death, I think about my boyfriend's death, not mine. Isn't it ironic? As if I am immortal. Because whenever I think about what will happen if I die, how I die, I'd re-set my mind: I can't die, I have so many things to do! and I stop thinking about my own death.

This is my secret:

One of the reasons I want to marry my boyfriend soon is because I am afraid if he dies before I could marry him. I am afraid if I cannot find him in heaven. I am afraid if he is matched with an angel who is not me. That's how much I love him, how much I want to be with him.

Not that I am confident to be put in heaven because I have committed so many sins in my life, but I am hoping God will forgive me and one day place me in heaven. I hope God places us in heaven, together.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes, I do love you."
"How much do you love me?"
"I love you forever and ever and ever."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"Yes, I do want to marry you."
"Do you want to live with me?"
"Yes, I do want to live with you."
"I don't think I could live if you leave me..."
"I won't leave you. We will die together."
"Will you live with me forever?"
"I love you and I will live with you...Sampai ke syurga."

I also think what if my boyfriend dies after we are married but nobody knows we are married.

I wouldn't want to marry another man.
And I know my parents will persuade to end my 'single' life.
How would I explain to them, "Hey, mother, father, I am actually a widow...And the reason I don't want to be married is because I am waiting to meet my husband in heaven."
But am I strong enough to overcome the temptations of being in love, be loved and have children?

My wild imaginations have made things complicated.

Why do I keep thinking about death of my boyfriend?
Because he isn't exactly young, you see. We are not young. But he is older than I am, and men generally do die sooner than women.

"Don't worry. I don't smoke and I play sports," my boyfriend tried to calm my worries.
"But look at your food, high cholesterol! You could get a heart attack! Mati mengejut! Or you could die in an accident! That's the worst thing ever, you could die before I am ready to let you go!" I was semi-hysteric.
"I told you, we are going to die together..."

Although 'dying together' sounds ridiculous, but hearing the words from him is soothing.

I think I am living in a fairy-tale.

"Jom lah kahwin cepat," I said.
Because I don't want to lose you, I wish to add.

Postponed.

I am sorry I don't reply your comments.
But, trust me, I do read them.
I just don't know what to say.

Anyway...
Everybody else around me is getting married and I wish I could share the excitements with them. Of course, I am happy for my friends, but I wish I could tell them, "Hey, I am getting married too!"

I wish I too could go shopping for barang hantarans, set appointments with the photographers to see their portfolios, go to the bridal shops, having my mind about to explode thinking about every single detail and become a bridezilla just because it is all about me on my big day.

My plan, or more correctly, our plan to get married in several months has been postponed to early next year. I requested for it.

Some of you might not know this, but I have two homes. One in Malaysia, with my parents, another, my bachelor pad, is in somewhere not in Malaysia. I often travel in and out of the countries. The same goes to my boyfriend. Although we have different professions, fate brings us together. His other home is near to my other home, but he travels even more rarely than I do, once a year.

My boyfriend and I really want to make sure the marriage we will be having is truly 'sah', so he consulted a few pious men. So, the akad nikah will not be held in Thailand or Malaysia, but at a mosque near my other home. My 'tempat bermastautin' for a few months in a year.

My boyfriend always ask me this, "Sudah bersedia untuk menjadi isteri?"

My preparations for my big akad nikah day? Nothing. We don't want anybody to be suspicious. I think I am ready. I will love my husband and take care of him. I will ask for his permission, ask for his advice, make decisions together and respect him.

And I will learn how to cook his favourite dish? Maybe...He is a better cook than I am...

I will not be wearing a nice baju kurung and a lacey veil on my akad nikah. Instead, I will be wearing my baju raya, which is pretty too, by the way. But I have the feeling my boyfriend will surprise me with a pretty wedding baju kurung for me.

He is a sucker at keeping secrets to surprise me, that's how I get to know. Haha! His choice on my wedding baju kurung doesn't concern me at all. For your information, my boyfriend has excellent taste in clothings.

My boyfriend will have several gifts ready for me, but nothing in return from my side. He will buy me a wedding ring, a necklace, matching watches for both of us and money as duit hantaran. I can't be wearing the ring most of the time. The wedding ring will be the pendant of the necklace, so I could wear it without anybody asking my status.

I think I may have given too much informations here...

Okay, I would stop. I was just being a normal lady who is excited for her nikah day.

How would we live our lives? My boyfriend said he is ready to introduce me as his wife to his friends after we are married.

"But, they will ask you why they weren't invited to our wedding!" I protested.
"I would tell them the truth. We nikah first, and the Walimatulurus will be held later. I will invite them then," he said.
"And if they tell your parents about this?"
"My parents will understand...I know them."
"Kalau kena tangkap basah?"
"Kita cakap kita dah kahwin."
"Tapi kita tak ada bukti, tak ada sijil nikah!"
"Kita bayar denda."
"But they will inform my parents and they will kill me!"
"Well, we just have to make love overseas then!"

At this point, I just had to laugh at the simplicity of my boyfriend's mind. He is so cool and determined about this, which in turn, makes me feel safe and secure as long as he is with me.

My feet are still on the ground. The reality is not that simple. I know. We know.