Ramadhan ini

Things to do:

- Solat terawih
- Solat taubat
- Solat hajat
- Solat istikharah
- Recite the Furqan

I wanted to buy a new handbag.
"I always use the same handbag! I need a new one for Raya," I complained to my boyfriend.
I dragged him to a shopping mall to hunt for the perfect handbag.
He gave me money.
"What's this?" I asked.
"Beli handbag baru. I hadiahkan," he said.
"I don't need your money! Kalau you nak hadiahkan I barang, beli betul-betul. Jangan bagi I duit!" I protested.
"I tak pandai pilih handbag," he explained.
"I could buy six handbags with this amount of money!"
"Really?" he was in disbelief.
"I don't want your money!"
"Tapi I nak belanja you," he said.
"Fine! Tunggu dekat cashier nanti, you bayarkanlah. I belum jumpa handbag yang I suka. And my handbag will NOT be at this price! Sekarang, you simpan duit you ni," I put the money in his hands.
"You peganglah," he said.
"Tak nak!" I refused.
"You know me...I can't hold the money because I'll be spending it in a few hours. You tak nak I membazir kan?"
"Grrrr!!!"

My boyfriend is totally clueless when it comes to 'how to treat a girl, the right way'. You DO NOT give MONEY to your girlfriend, you BUY things for your girlfriend, which means, most of the time, as SURPRISE GIFTS.

Giving me money is like paying me, but I AM NOT YOUR WHORE!

Well, I did not find my dream handbag, but the money was spent on the new external hard disk, our parkings, tolls, petrol and dinners.

I hope, next time, he will buy a nice handbag for me as a gift. And no, I don't need to know the price.

Selamat berpuasa.

Happy.

My ex-boyfriend replied my e-mail stating:

- He holds no grudge against me
- He bought a new car
- His wife drives his old car
- He gets two months bonus this year
- His wife just got transferred so they are no longer living separately
- There is still no sign of his wife getting pregnant

I told my boyfriend about his e-mail.

Bf: Why is he telling you about his new car?
Me: I don't know.
Bf: Eleh, setakat kereta tu pun nak bagitau ke? Kereta I lagi hebat...
Me: Memang pun...
Bf: And why is he telling you about the bonus?
Me: Mana I tahu!
Bf: Dah setahun kahwin tak ada anak lagi?
Me: Well...Diorang kan jauh...Lepas ni pregnant la tu...
Bf: You jangan nak contact-contact dia lagi...I risau ni...
Me: I tak reply pun e-mail dia...
Bf: Nanti kita kahwin, you bagitau dia okay...I really, really love you. You jangan buat I jealous.
Me: I love you too. You jangan risau okay...Dia kan suami orang, I pun dah nak kahwin dengan you...You lagi best! I nak you je, tanak dia...

I feel so relieved after I read his e-mail. Why?

Because I don't feel anything! I don't feel sad that he is not mine. I don't imagine how my life would be like if he was with me. I don't feel excited to reply his e-mail.

Now I know for sure that I've moved on!

I am happy because of that. Really, really happy! Happy that I have found someone that I am happy with.

I am going to reply his e-mail next week or the week after. I don't want to become the third party, just in case.

P/S: My boyfriend does not know I initiated the contact. Don't tell him. He probably doesn't understand why I need this assurance.

The first love.

Okay, my Sunday is wasted by staring at my laptop for the whole day and reading blogs.

And I am writing the third entry for today!

I sent an e-mail to my ex-boyfriend. Because I read somewhere that it is a sin to memutuskan silaturrahim.
We broke up in 2002 and stayed friends until last year. My heart broke into pieces when he announced that he was getting married. I was so hurt, I requested for him to stop contacting me ever again.

Why DID I still have feelings for him? He was well-liked by everybody. My parents adored him. I wanted us to separate because I DID NOT believe the relationship could withstand the distance. He disagreed. But, one day, he said it was time to let me go.

Within a year after the break up, I still felt like I was his girl. We were mushy to each other. I was happy. Despite the distance, our love rekindled, or so I thought.

One day, he came to my house and we went out. I thought it was a date. I thought he would ask me to get back together.

While he was driving, I took his mobile phone and read his messages. I read a few messages from the same number. The number was familiar. The number was very similar to his.

My mind was running wild. This must be his special girl. Couples usually have similar numbers!

Although I was sad, I didn't let the messages bother me. I went with the flow. I stayed positive, there must be a good reason for those SMSes, I was trying to convonce myself. We kissed. He must still have feelings for me. I even gave him a hand-job! That was my first time doing it. I thought I was winning his heart. How naive I was...

He sent me home. I was unsatisfied because he didn't say anything about us getting back together even though he kissed me and all. I called HER number. I didn't talk to her. I didn't have the courage. But I did try to call her a few times that night.

Then, he called me. He said I had been calling her number. Correct! He was mad, he didn't allow me to call her again.

I was mad at first. I demanded an explaination. I thought he was single all along. For one year I had been fooled. And to think that I just had given him a hand job made feel more disgusted about myself. Not him. I loved him too much.

I was such a fool.

I cried so much that night. I am crying now because I was so hurt. How could he not tell me about this other woman? And apparently, his new girlfriend never know about my existance either. I really thought he would choose me over her.

I felt so unpretty, so dirty, so unwanted. It was pathetic. I almost begged for him to choose me. Never in my life before, I was so much in pain, like the one he caused me.

I acted like a crazy woman. I cursed him and hoped he will rot in hell. There was nothing he could do to console me. I felt so cheated. I felt used. He used me.

I never say this to him, but I wish I said, "You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me. You said you wanted my baby. How could you? You said you were madly in love with me! Me! You even gave me a ring and proposed to me!"

For the next two weeks, I felt so alone. I didn't tell anybody because I was ashamed. All my friends thought I was completely over him, so, what would I tell them about how furious I was when he decided I was not his The One.

I told myself that I am better off without him.

He said he was sorry and hoped we still could be friends. We were friends even though I hate him so much.

I couldn't take it anymore when he said he was getting married. That's why I ended it.

I wondered and pondered about him every now and then. My new-found love is way much better than him, and I hope he would be jealous of us (even though we haven't reached our happy ending YET).

Sometimes, I become so bitter, I hope their marriage doesn't work out. But, I quickly realize, as much as I want my ex-boyfriend to be miserable, I don't want his wife to suffer. I believe she is a good person. She is probably the right person for my ex-boyfriend because she might have changed my ex-boyfriend to become a better person. I hope my ex-boyfriend will stay loyal to her, no more cheating.

I never reveal to his wife about what he had done to her and to me. I opt to not interfere.

The e-mail I sent to him just now was just to let him know that I am sorry for breaking our so-called friendship. I hope he forgives me and we could be friends again.

Just friends.

From http://permai-apt.blogspot.com

Entry July 4 2007.

"if you had a rough time with your father, make it smooth.

if you have been holding onto bitterness about something he did long time ago, let it go.

if you did something wrong, seek forgiveness from your father.

i'll say a little prayer for you if your father has passed on; you do the same for me."

I will try.

Apa itu jodoh?

I have questions.

What is jodoh?
Semua orang ada jodoh sendiri?

Is jodoh someone we marry, or someone we have sex with?

If everybody is promised to have our own jodoh, so, that must mean the non-Muslims have their jodohs too.

Setiap manusia (kafir atau tidak) mempunyai rezeki dan jodoh masing-masing. The difference is, rezeki is something we could get even if we work for it, but you cannot do anything for your jodoh no matter how hard you try.

But if jodoh is someone we marry, that means, the non-Muslims never find their jodohs! This is because, they are not actually married in the eyes of God. In order for a marriage to be 'sah', it needs a husband, a wife, witnesses, akad nikah (solemnization) and wali.

Are you catching my drift?

So, is jodoh actually someone we have sex with?

I hope my jodoh is not dead. I don't want to wait until I go to heaven before reuniting with my jodoh! (Because I probably will end up in hell anyway)

forgiveness

Because things were so tensed at home, mother and father decided to write two letters to me.

It is probably the best thing to do, since we would end up shouting if we communicate verbally anyway. This is why I avoid talking to them about the matter. I guess they were trying to reach me because they felt bad and guilty seeing me so hurt.

I didn't read the letters. Until one week later.

I can't remember exactly the content of each letter, but what I know is, I couldn't read them one more time. The facts are wrong. I cried to sleep after reading father's accusations.

Father means well, but he doesn't want me to get involved with someone who, in his eyes, is not my match.
So wrong.

Mother, on the other hand, in the letter said, she doesn't mind if I continue being 'friends' with him as long as I don't take things seriously.

However, I am a bit glad when she said, "Mak sedar yang mak selalu marahi kamu tapi itu bukannya mak tak sayang kamu. Maafkan mak ya..."
Mother realizes the mean things she had said to me and she apologoizes!

I forgive you.

Please forgive me too.

A 'pakcik' came through the emergency room.
The teenage daughter was screaming, "Ayah! Ayah!".
The doctor did the CPR on the 'pakcik'.
The 'pakcik' was not responsive.
The doctor stopped.
"Ayah!" the girl dropped to the floor.
The 'pakcik' was pronounced dead by the doctor.
The wife was crying.
And everybody else in the room was stunned.

I could not imagine myself watching my father die. Not when I'm not ready, not suddenly like that.

On a lighter note,

For several years, a man was having an
affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or
his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed
in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the
child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know
when the baby was born. To keep it
discrete, he told her to simply mail
him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for
the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came
home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very
strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll
explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two
without. Send extra sauce.'

Bunga (kerna aku lelaki)

Lagu tiada kena mengena dengan diriku (kerna aku perempuan).

i need to tell him but i can't! at least, not yet. but when?

Dear boyfriend,

I am sorry. I love you sooo much. So, so much. But sometimes, in this life, we cannot get the things/ persons we love. I hope you know, how devastated I am, how broken my heart is. I cannot marry you. Mother said she will never forgive me if I marry you.

With lots of love,
ectopy
*sobbing uncontrollably*

In between

I do not know whether to continue with the plan.

Do I really want a secret marriage, or do I need to wait until I get my parents' approvals?

I want to be married, I'll carry less burden religiously. But, I have to put myself in parents' shoes and think how would they feel if they ever find out about this.

I do not want to be a bad daughter, I know they have raised me well, is this what I want to do to return the favours?

Am I being selfish?

But my parents are selfish too. They don't have a concrete reason to not like my boyfriend. Everything about him is wrong in their eyes; the look, the car, the job, the list is endless!

Everytime I demand an explaination, we end up in a big fight, and I cannot find the root of the problem. Until, one day, I accidentally found out the main problem is where he comes from. That's discrimation. It is just a place, like the rest of the world, the place he is from DOES NOT affect the way he is going to treat me. He is a good a person, and I don't understand why my parents cannot see that.

If I go with the plan, I will be married to my boyfriend, and in the meantime, he will try his best to win my parents' hearts.

I hope one day my parents will accept him and we could be OFFICIALLY married.

My parents are so hypocrite.
In front of him, they act okay and treat him well. But behind him, they would make faces and tell me how they despise my boyfriend.

Poor my boyfriend, everytime after he meets my parents, he would be all happy and positive, "They are okay with me! We had a nice conversation just now," he'd say, putting his hope high.

Sometimes, my parents ridicule him and being sarcastic to my boyfriend.

My parents have said really, really mean things about my boyfriend.

I am so hurt and I am in between. My instinct tells me my parents are wrong about him, but they are my parents.

It is just so wrong for my parents to hate him so much, but his parents love me so much.

I am tired of crying.