drama mama.

Have you ever felt suicidal before?

When I was 18 or 19, I always thought of how I was going to kill. I knew I am not brave enough to slit my wrist or hang myself, so I thought, jumping from the 18th floor is the easiest way to die.
As I know suicide is not accepted in Islam, and I really want to go to heaven, I imaginatively created another way to die:
- Stand by the window, somebody surprises me, I lose control, fall.
or
- Suddely is woken up by bees swarming over me, I close my eyes, I cannot see, I run and run, and fall.

Both are accidental, so, it is not really my fault if I died, eh?

How severe was this thought? Lets say, whenever I was taking a break from studying, I would look at the window and imagined myself doing the above.
Sometimes, I really stood by the window and bent my body halfway.

One other reason why I like to stand by the window is I like how night breeze brushes softly onto my skin. I feel livelier everytime. Just like when I am at the beach.

Why I wanted to die? Because I thought I was going to fail my exams. I fear the embarassment the most. I'd rather die than repeating my course or settle down for something less than expected.

Oh, did I tell you there was someone who jumped off the building? From the 11th floor, I think. I heard his scream. Or was it the scream of someone who saw him fall? I don't know, but a scary scream that I ignored because I thought it was just another stressed student screaming in the exam season.
I saw his body. I saw big cars came and went. I saw the ambulance and the police cars. I saw his friends.

I thought, wow, somebody actually fell from this building, just like my vision. Thank God he was not me!

I was the craziest at this age, driving madly and secretly hoping I would be involved in an accident, just because I didn't want to study for my exams. I thought, if I was hospitalized, I couldn't sit for the exams.

I passed my exams with flying colours, shocking not only me, but my parents, lecturers and some of my friends.
I am not that stupid afterall.
Cuma drama mama sahaja...Hehehe...

Now, I no longer have suicidal thoughts but I get more depressed.
I don't know how severe is my depression, I am never close to anyone who has depression before.

I cry for no reason.
I notice I cannot be left alone or this depression would cloud over me. Betulkan, bila keseorangan, memang banyak setan.

Do a depressed person know that he/ she is depressed initially?
At what stage should I consult a doctor about this?

Or is this another drama mama part of me?