Dying.

I read http://pausetoreflect.blogspot.com
Takziah.
I wonder if I could be as courageous as her.

I told my boyfriend about it, "He was 38 years old, sayang, and he passed away on his birthday."

I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I am afraid if the same thing happens to us. The possibility is there. The words just couldn't come out from my mouth. It's not that I am embarassed to tell him how much I love him, it is just, my feelings cannot be described by words...They are more than that. I hope he could feel how I feel towards him.

Everytime I think about death, I think about my boyfriend's death, not mine. Isn't it ironic? As if I am immortal. Because whenever I think about what will happen if I die, how I die, I'd re-set my mind: I can't die, I have so many things to do! and I stop thinking about my own death.

This is my secret:

One of the reasons I want to marry my boyfriend soon is because I am afraid if he dies before I could marry him. I am afraid if I cannot find him in heaven. I am afraid if he is matched with an angel who is not me. That's how much I love him, how much I want to be with him.

Not that I am confident to be put in heaven because I have committed so many sins in my life, but I am hoping God will forgive me and one day place me in heaven. I hope God places us in heaven, together.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes, I do love you."
"How much do you love me?"
"I love you forever and ever and ever."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"Yes, I do want to marry you."
"Do you want to live with me?"
"Yes, I do want to live with you."
"I don't think I could live if you leave me..."
"I won't leave you. We will die together."
"Will you live with me forever?"
"I love you and I will live with you...Sampai ke syurga."

I also think what if my boyfriend dies after we are married but nobody knows we are married.

I wouldn't want to marry another man.
And I know my parents will persuade to end my 'single' life.
How would I explain to them, "Hey, mother, father, I am actually a widow...And the reason I don't want to be married is because I am waiting to meet my husband in heaven."
But am I strong enough to overcome the temptations of being in love, be loved and have children?

My wild imaginations have made things complicated.

Why do I keep thinking about death of my boyfriend?
Because he isn't exactly young, you see. We are not young. But he is older than I am, and men generally do die sooner than women.

"Don't worry. I don't smoke and I play sports," my boyfriend tried to calm my worries.
"But look at your food, high cholesterol! You could get a heart attack! Mati mengejut! Or you could die in an accident! That's the worst thing ever, you could die before I am ready to let you go!" I was semi-hysteric.
"I told you, we are going to die together..."

Although 'dying together' sounds ridiculous, but hearing the words from him is soothing.

I think I am living in a fairy-tale.

"Jom lah kahwin cepat," I said.
Because I don't want to lose you, I wish to add.