Poligami 2.

Saya pun tak tahu kenapa tiba-tiba saya mahu mengulas tentang isu ini walaupun musim poligami lama sudah berlalu (musim berlalu di dada-dada akhbar, tapi tak bermaksud orang tak buat).

Entri yang lepas membuatkan saya lebih peka terhadap isu ini. Contohnya, baru-baru ini, saya berkenalan dengan seorang lelaki 65 tahun yang inginkan pil Viagra tapi tak lampu hijau dari doktornya kerana beliau mempunyai masalah jantung.

"Tua-tua pun aktif lagi ye?" saya fikir. Secara tak langsung, saya membayangkan ibu bapa saya dan ibu bapa boyfriend saya mengadakan acara rompy session mereka.

"Blerrrghh!!!" saya tiba-tiba tak dapat meneruskan bayangan itu.

Kemudian saya fikir, adakah saya sanggup melayan kehendak seks suami saya apabila beliau berumur 65 tahun nanti? Seorang isteri yang baik, tentulah akan menunaikan tanggungjawabnya. But, can a wife give it all, can her sexual desire be aroused? Isteri yang baik kena fully pleasurable!

Mungkin, by that time, saya akan menjadi tak kesah, saya sendiri yang buat request, "Sayang, I dah tak larat ni, pinggang I dah nak patah...You kahwinlah isteri yang muda sikit..."

Dari Jabir r.a, katanya dia mendengar nabi s.a.w bersabda:”Apabila ada di antara kamu yang tergoda hatinya kepada seorang wanita maka hendaklah dia pulang kepada isterinya untuk melepaskan rasa rindunya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu dapat mententeramkan gejolak hatinya.”

Tengok...Kena pulang kepada isteri! Eh, tapi nanti ada pulak yang argue, 'Lepas saya kahwin dengan wanita itu, bolehlah saya pulang kepada isteri baru saya tu!!!'

Tak ape...Argument masih boleh diterima. Ye lah, kahwin setakat nak memuaskan nafsu, ape kelas!!

Masa muda-muda dulu, mesti lelaki memilih kan? Calon isteri hendaklah bukan sahaja cantik, malah bijak, pandai masak, baik hati, pandai layan budak-budak etc.

Tapi selalunya, lelaki kalau dah tua, tergoda dengan perempuan muda, lebih 50% tertarik pada kecantikan perempuan itu. Jarang sangat yang memilih kriteria-kriteria lain. Ya, betul, isteri muda mesti baik hati dan pandai bergaul juga, tapi threshold/ standard criteria yang lelaki cari pada seorang wanita ketika dia muda dulu sudahpun berkurangan. Ini kerana lelaki itu pun sudah tak berapa kacak.

Jadi, kepada isteri pertama, janganlah anda jealous kepada isteri muda. Andalah yang paling perfect sekali, cuma kini dimamah usia...Nak buat macam mana, suami perlu dipuaskan.

PADA PENDAPAT SAYA, (ditekankan, ini pendapat saya seorang), yang layak berkahwin lagi itu hanyalah lelaki yang tua ataupun yang isterinya telah tua, lalu tidak dapat memenuhkan permintaan seks lelaki itu.
ATAUPUN, lelaki yang kerjayanya membawa ke seluruh dunia, di mana dia perlu isteri untuk menguruskan keperluannya. Paling layak adalah lelaki yang merantau atas tujuan berdakwah (Nabi Muhammad SAW dulu pun berkahwin ramai atas sebab dakwah).
DENGAN syarat, dia berkemampuan DAN adil saksama.

Kepada lelaki, kalau isteri anda muda dan mampu zahir DAN batin, anda pula tak bekerja outstation sana sini (tapi yang selalu anda buat ialah menipu isteri anda outstation), tak perlulah kahwin lagi seorang! Bak kata hadith di atas, "PULANG KEPADA ISTERI". Tak ada sebab untuk anda tidak dapat pulang kepada isteri anda yang telah sedia ada itu...Tak jauh pun!!!

UNLESS YOUR WIFE REFUSES TO SERVE YOU. (or if she's infertile and you want a child so badly. But you know what, nowadays, there are many alternatives to conceive. The cost might be even cheaper than marrying another woman!)
Baru boleh anda beralasan untuk kahwin lagi. Tapi perlulah cari dahulu punca-punca isteri kurang taat. Anda sebagai suami, perlu membimbing isteri anda.
Suami yang baik, perlu ada wibawa dan bijak menjaga rumah tangganya. Kalau isteri yang seorang pun sudah huru hara, inikan pula tambah lagi seorang.

Huraian
Rumah tangga orang beriman adalah benteng mempertahankan maruah dan harga diri. Rumah yang didiami bukan sekadar tempat berlindung dari panas dan hujan bahkan ia merupakan tempat untuk beristirehat, membina kasih sayang antara ahli keluarga, anak dan isteri dan mencari keredhaan Allah S.W.T. Sesungguhnya, alasan yang paling kukuh mengapa manusia itu perlu berkahwin adalah disebabkan tuntutan psikologi. Dengan perkataan lain ia adalah fitrah yang dijadikan oleh Allah S.W.T. Maka atas tuntutan tersebut, tanpa adanya perkahwinan kadangkala manusia akan terjerumus ke lembah perzinaan dan maksiat. Sebab itulah Islam memuliakan sebuah perkahwinan dan amat menggalakkan umatnya supaya berkahwin sebagaimana sabda Rasulullah s.a.w yang maksudnya: "Wahai anak muda, berkahwinlah. Sesiapa yang mampu, berkahwinlah kerana ia lebih memelihara mata dan menjaga faraj. Sesiapa yang tidak mampu untuk berkahwin hendaklah dia berpuasa kerana puasa adalah penahan (daripada gelojak nafsu)." (Bukhari)

Kalau suami saya berkahwin lagi satu, adakah ini bermaksud he has gone mental (psychological problems)? Ehehehe...Just kidding!

Jadi, isteri pertama perlu paham! Alasan paling kukuh untuk berkahwin kerana sesungguhnya memang fitrah Allah itu menjadikan jiwa manusia ini bergelora, meronta-ronta hendak kepuasan...

Para isteri perlu redha dan berfikiran positif. Semua ini pasti ada hikmahnya...

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri tua: Jangan risau, isteri muda itu tempat suami anda memuaskan nafsu sahaja...Tak perlu jealous dengan isteri muda!

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri muda: Suami pasti lebih sayang dan lebih bermanja-manja dengan anda! Isteri tua sudah tidak dapat belaian macam yang kamu dapat! Kalau suami yang baik, dia akan membelai kesemua isteri-isterinya dengan sama rata, cuma caranya berbeza...Jadi, tahniah, anda dibelai dengan hebat sekali! Jadi, tak perlu jealous dengan isteri tua...

Sesungguhnya, lelaki yang mempunyai lebih dari seorang isteri bukanlah sesuatu yang senang. Seorang kenalan yang beristeri dua, pernah mengaku, "Tak perlulah kahwin banyak-banyak! Penat! Balik rumah isteri pertama, dia minta...Esoknya balik rumah isteri kedua, dia minta juga! Kalau tak bagi, tak adil. Penat....."

Dan sesungguhnya, bukanlah seronok sangat pun jadi isteri muda. Ingat mudah hidup dicemuh masyarakat yang tidak memahami situasi mereka? Ingat senang menjaga anak-anak yang masih kecil tanpa suami sepenuh masa? Lebih-lebih lagi kalau baby, suami pula jarang ada untuk membantu! (Sebab selalunya anak-anak isteri tua sudah besar, jadi tiada masalah anak-anak mempunyai bapa yang macam Chipsmore, sekejap ada, sekejap tak ada).

Tapi kalau jenis suami yang tak adil tu, jawab masa akhirat sajalah nanti.

Jadi, apa kata kita beramai-ramai jangan berat sebelah kepada mana-mana pihak.

Seorang ustadz pernah berkata, "Kalau ikut sunnah Nabi Muhammad SAW, baginda kahwin ramai selepas isteri pertamanya, Khadijah meninggal dunia".

Sejauh mana kebenaran kenyataan di atas, saya tak dapat pastikan, kerana saya kurang mahir dengan sejarah perkahwinan Nabi Muhammad SAW. (Ada sesiapa dapat confirmkan Nabi Muhammad hanya beristerikan Khadijah seorang sebelum Khadijah meninggal dunia?)

Kalau betul....Kudos to our Pak Lah, our Prime Minister!

SEDIKIT KATA-KATA MOTIVASI DARI SAYA YANG TAK BERTAULIAH.

Kepada isteri-isteri yang berasa suaminya kejam:
Jodoh itu Allah yang tentukan. Allah itu Maha Adil. Kalau diri anda elok, tentulah Allah menjodohkan dengan lelaki yang elok tingkah lakunya. Kalau diri anda beriman, tentulah suami anda pun beriman juga orangnya.

Jika suami anda tak elok budi pekerti, tentulah jodoh baru suami anda sumbang juga perlakuannya.

Kepada isteri-isteri yang baik (tak bias kepada isteri muda atau isteri tua asalkan baik hati) tapi berasa dirinya tertindas dan teraniaya ("kenapa aku walaupun baik dijodohkan dengan lelaki sebegini!" bisik hati kecil anda:
Ingatlah, semua yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya. Cabaran yang Allah beri mesti dapat diselesaikan sebab Allah bukan main suka-suka sahaja nak menyusahkan hidup hamba-hambanya. Sesungguhnya Allah lebih mengetahui.

Dan, doa-doa orang yang dizalimi, yang teraniaya, memang dikabulkan oleh Allah. Jadi, gunakan kesempatan ini untuk berdoa banyak-banyak dengan Allah. Sebagai contoh, "Ya Allah, ubahlah sikap suamiku supaya lebih adil terhadap isteri-isterinya. Tabahkan diriku ini untuk sentiasa menjadi isteri yang baik dan tidak derhaka atau berdendam dengan suamiku. Ubahlah sikap maduku agar lebih bertolak ansur".

Sekarang, kepada isteri pertama yang sedang pedih hatinya, cuba gabungkan kedua-dua motivasi di atas,
"Saya baik, suami saya jahat. Sebab itu suami saya dapat perempuan jahat. Tapi saya baik. Sebab itu dapat dugaan begini".

Diingatkan, ayat di atas cuma sekadar ayat menyedapkan hati sendiri. Hehehehehe...

Realitinya, kita kena sentiasa berbaik sangka terhadap orang lain.

Sekian.

Poligami.

Dulu, saya pernah terbayangkan, hidup saya ni ditakdirkan untuk bermadu. Sebab, dulu, saya bercinta dengan seorang lelaki yang baik, tetapi saya terlalu fokus dengan kerjaya. Pernah saya nyatakan pada dia, "Lepas kahwin nanti, I akan benarkan you kahwin lagi". Dia pula berjanji, takkan ambil isteri lain. Saya memikirkan hal dia. Dia baik tapi saya pasti tak terlayan dia. Lagipun, saya tak pandai masak, kerja tak tentu masa. Baik jugak lah kalau saya berkongsi kasih. Tak ade lah saya berdosa sangat nanti kalau saya tak ada masa nak uruskan suami. Pass aje dekat isteri lain...

Belum sempat pun kami berkahwin, dia bercinta dengan orang lain. Masa itu, barulah saya paham. Walaupun saya kata berkata pada diri saya, saya rela bermadu, tapi bila dah betul-betul terkena, memang sakit. Syukur juga, belum kahwin lagi kan...He chose her over me lagipun...

Betul kot pilihan dia. Perempuan tu baik. Tak salah apa pun. Saya ni je yang tak cukup bagus untuk ex-boyfriend saya. Tapi, sampai sekarang ni perempuan tu tak tahu apa yang pernah berlaku sewaktu dia syok bercinta dengan ex-boyfriend saya tu. Kawan saya suruh bagitau, saya tak mahu. Biarlah...Sudah bahagia...Saya tak mahu musnahkan.

Fast forward, I am now in love with my current boyfriend.

Entah macam mana, mentaliti dan prinsip yang saya pegang dulu (ie: tak apa jika suami berkahwin lagi) dah tiada. Mungkin sebab betul-betul sayang, sampai tak sanggup berkongsi.

Tapi sejujurnya, tak pulak saya pandang hina pada isteri-isteri lain, cuma kasihan pada isteri pertama, lebih-lebih lagi kalau tiada salah, tiada cacat cela.

Biarlah, it happens to other people, but not to us. Although I know, I cannot control this, who knows what future lies for us.

Tadi saya baca http://cintarahsia.blogspot.com/

Kisah isteri kedua.
Dulu pernah terjumpa satu blog isteri kedua, saya tak suka, saya tak ingat pun alamat blog dia.

Saya ni, kalau jenis baca blog, suke baca dari awal sampai akhir. Jadi, blog yang saya dah lupa pon alamat dia tu, saya memang tak setuju, bukan berdasarkan satu entry saja, tapi berdasarkan archive die yang saya baca semuanya.

Blog Puan Suri ni, saya tak ade lah bersetuju sepenuhnya. Ade juga part-part yang saya tak setuju.

Kadang-kadang bergenang air mata saya membaca blog itu. Terbayangkan diri jika berada dalam situasi yang sama, jika berlakunya suami saya kahwin lagi. (Oh, walaupun hakikatnya, saya masih belum berkahwin.)

Tapi, tak baik kutuk-kutuk, hina-hina orang...Takut terkena dekat batang hidung sendiri...Dan kadang-kadang, orang yang kita kutuk-kutuk dan hina-hina itu, lebih mulia dari kita kerana imannya.

Terus terang saya katakan, iman saya ni nipis. Solat lubang-lubang. Itu pun tak khusyuk. Tak tutup aurat, pergi clubbing, bergaul bebas. Jadi, mereka semuanya sememangnya lebih baik dari saya.

Hujah-hujah Puas Suri ada asas, contohnya, dalam Islam, tak ada isteri pertama, kedua, ketiga, keempat, yang ada cuma isteri-isteri. Itu saya setuju.

Tapi dia cakap,

"Lelaki yang dah berkahwin punya kestabilan yang lebih dari segi mental, emosi dan ekonomi. Mereka jugak lebih sabar melayan karenah wanita, berkat pengalaman melayan isteri. Haha.. Lagipun, biasanya lelaki yang baik-baik ni cepat je diambil orang, jadi suami orang, maka sebab mereka ini lelaki yang elok dan baik, wanita lain pun inginkan mereka."

Kadang-kadang, macam tak adil kan? Sebab, waktu suami susah-susah dulu, belum stabil, isterilah yang mula-mula tolong. Tapi bila dah senang, banyak pulak perempuan yang jatuh hati.

Kasihan.

Tak marah pun pada perempuan-perempuan yang jatuh hati pada suami orang. Biasalah, manusia, perempuan, mahukan seseorang yang boleh jaga dia, stabil. Saya pun paham juga...Tak hina pun...

Tapi kasihan....Macam saya cakap tadi, saya tak marah, tapi kasihan. Saya bayangkan saya si isteri, mesti terasa hati.

Saya bayangkan saya seorang anak, saya pun tak mahu ayah saya kahwin lain, ada anak dengan perempuan lain.

Tapi apa nak buat kalau benda nak jadi, jodoh, qada' dan qadar.

Lagi satu, cinta ni kan kena ade respons dari kedua-dua belah pihak. Jangan salahkan sebelah pihak saja...

Anyway...

Puan Suri ni isteri rahsia...

Kasihan kan?

Kasihan dua-dua.

Kasihan dekat isteri pertama, kasihan dekat isteri kedua.

Bayangkan, kalau isteri pertama tiba-tiba dapat tahu, mesti rasa tertipu. Suami bertopeng. Bercengkerama dengan orang lain. Mesti rasa rendah diri juga. Kenapa perlu seorang lagi? Kalau aku isteri yang baik, aku patut dah syak, dan boleh bau benda ni awal-awal!

(Tapi mungkin juga dia dah tahu tapi buat-buat tak tahu...Mulianya...Sakit tapi tahan sendiri, display a happy face pretending like it doesn't hurt, just so not to hurt anybody, especially yourself. Macam Puan Guile awal-awal dulu...Atau pun mungkin sebab masih in denial. Tak mahu percaya benda tu benar-benar berlaku.)

I think, benda-benda macam ni, memang better keep it low. I mean, things we don't know, won't hurt, kan?

Yang si isteri kedua pula, memang tak ade pilihan, kena live with the consequences. Dah tahu pun what lie ahead, tak boleh nak complaint lebih-lebih.

Tapi kan, kenapa mesti melukakan? Kadang-kadang saya rasa, kan lebih elok terseksa sendiri daripada menyeksakan orang lain.

Hahaha! Cakap senang! Love is selfish itself.

Contohnya, macam isu saya ni.

Ramai orang cakap, saya selalunya mementingkan orang lain lebih dari kepentingan diri sendiri. I agree so too.

And now, it is time for MY happiness, that's why I feel very strongly to marry my boyfriend. I deserve to be happy too...

Teringat cerita kawan. Seorang doktor yang BARU berkahwin melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar negara, meninggalkan isteri jururawat dan seorang anak yang masih kecil. Isteri tidak ikut berhijrah. Tak tahu kenapa...(Suami tak bagi, tak cukup duit, jaga anak, sebab kerjaya mungkin?)

Sudah habis belajar, suami pulang ke tanah air dengan seorang perempuan untuk dinikahi.

Sekali lagi saya kasihan.

Isteri yang setia menanti, membesarkan dan menjaga anak yang masih kecil itu, seorang diri, dengan harapan suaminya pulang dan hidup gembira, tapi suaminya pulang membawa seorang wanita lain yang jauh lebih hebat darinya.

Mesti terasa rendah diri...

Beliau memberi keizinan, suami dan wanita itu pun melangsungkan perkahwinan dengan meriah dan besar-besaran.

Perlu jadi wanita yang betul-betul tabah untuk hadapi semua itu kan...

Keluarga lelaki itu pula berbelah bahagi, tapi nak buat macam mana...Cara mereka deal with the situation? They distant themselves, mereka tak mahu memilih.

Kasihan si isteri pertama, keseorangan bersama anak yang masih kecil. Hubungan dengan keluarga suami pun jadi longgar. Mungkin masing-masing tak tahu macam mana nak deal dengan situation yang awkward ni.

Kadang-kadang, poligami ni complicated. Banyak perasaan yang perlu dijaga. Melibatkan orang lain juga. Jadi, kena fikir sebelum buat keputusan.

Divorce.

It hurts when father said he would have ditched mother long time ago if he hasn't been patient with her.

I laugh.

"So, how are things going on with you and your boyfriend?" a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in weeks, asked.

As usual, I smiled happily, "We are doing great! I already met his parents, and he met mine."

"Really?"

I nodded and lied, "Both visits went fine..."

I lied because he is not a bestfriend. Besides, my boyfriend wants me to keep things between us only. I too, think, this is a personal matter.

"So, the families are fine with you guys?" he asked.

"Yes. His parents like me. They are very nice..."

I hoped he would be satisfied with the answer and wouldn't go any specific, but he did. "What about your parents?"

"They are okay..." I am not sure whether I was in denial or was that the answer I would like things to be?.

"Because you know...I read your father's blog..." my friend kept his eyes on the road, he was driving.

Luckily, there were only the two of us in the car. I would die if he decided to discuss this in front of anybody else!

"Oh, yeah? Hmm...Yeah, that's how he feel about us, then..." My face was hot. I know father wrote about his disapproval in his blog, but I didn't know my friends are reading it!

They must have thought I am such an anak derhaka!

Could you understand how I feel? Father dooesn't talk to me but he writes in his blog for the whole world to know how I have disappointed him, how I hurt mother etc. Why can't he write anonymously like I do? Why must he publish the letters he sent to me in his blog?

Bullocks.

"I like reading his blog. I find it very interesting. I like the issues discussed in his blog," my friend probably wanted the conversation to be less awkward.

We were stopped at the traffic lights and I was still searching for the right words.
The long silence was broken by my friend, continuing asking, "So how?"

"Howwwww???" I repeated the question, more to myself.
"What do you want me to do? Stay saja lah in the relationship. Takkan you nak I break up? Like Girl and Boy?"

"Why did they break up actually?"

"Girl's parents don't like Boy. Boy thinks, what's the point of being in the relationship when they both know what's going to happen in the end. Girl's parents will not accept him. He doesn't like to be rejected by her parents, because he is an orphan himself, since he was a child. He wants to feel a parent's love. He couldn't achieve it if he was with Girl."

"That's a pity," my friend said. I somehow was glad the conversation steered away from my life.
To keep things less serious, I asked if he was able to introduce me to his friends. I was joking. I don't know whether he knew I was joking. I didn't care. At least he would think I am doing something to please my parents.

We were talking about something, when I laughed.

"How could you be laughing?"

"Habis tu...Takkan I nak nangis? Laughter. It's a tool to hide my real emotions," I answered honestly.

"It's a bad tool," he said.

Betul. Tapi, takkan nak suruh I nangis? I am not very expressive. That defines me.

I'm pretty sure he has told my other friends to read father's blog.

Because now, there is already another friend confessing that she reads father's blog. She even advised me to dump my boyfriend because she said parents are always right.

I wish to tell them, "You don't know my side of story yet. How could I tell you how mean my parents have been to my boyfriend? They are my parents."

I joke and change the topic instead, everytime.

My family.

When I read about other people's families, I envy them.

My family is rather a weird family. We don't talk much to each other. I only talk to my mother...And my sister...And we are not that intimate.

Looking at the surface, we would have potrayed a perfect family. Everything else is going great. Father never has scandals, siblings and I always do well in school, we are proper and well-behaved, we are financially stable too.

We just don't communicate.

I don't know why. There are may be several factors contibuting to this:

- The big age gap between the the older two siblings with the younger two siblings.

- Brother was sent to a boarding school since he was 13 and studied abroad as well. He has always been so distant.

- Brother and I had a fight when I was 13 or 14. Prior to that, we were close and I liked him because he was brotherly. But I was rude to my mother, ran to my room, he chased after me a few moments later to teach me a lesson. He said awful and mean things to me and I stopped talking to him after that.

- Sister has always been so shy and so quiet. Her voice is so soft, almost mute. She only talks when she needs to or cries. She doesn't have many friends but she is pretty. Even though she is quiet and shy, there are always guys approaching her. I think, that balances things for her. Imagine if she was flirty! Err...Too many broken hearts...

- Father is a fierce person. When I was small, I heard stories about how he treated the older two siblings when they misbehaved or did not do well in school. Mother said my younger sibling and I are lucky because by the time we were born, father was no longer as temperemental as before. No, we were never abused physically nor mentally. Father just would be furious and scolded us if the grades were not As. The worst would be the rotan. But, if we did well, we would be treated a nice holiday together!

I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when I was young. I don't know what make us stop talking. Probably I was a rebellious teenager but never recover from it. But what about my other family members?

Mother is like the medium in the family. The way we communicate to each other is through her. I couldn't imagine our lives would be like without her. Too awkward.

Although most of the time we are under the same roof, we could go days without talking. The house would be too quiet. Sometimes, it would be a little bit livelier with the presence of my brother's only child. But she is becoming a teenager soon and there seems like an infertility problem running in the family.

To conclude, the only persons who talk to everybody are mother and my brother's child.

I thought, after we welcomed in-laws into our families, things would improve. I was wrong.

Sometimes, I wonder how things would be like in 10, 20 years time. What will we talk about? By then, everybody certainly would have led our own lives. We can't be in silence like this if we want to keep the the family ties strong!

That's why, it is my dream to marry a person who is friendly and talkative and well-liked by my family. He must come from a joyous family too, because I want to be a part of that. It is tough since my parents are having a difficult to accept my boyfriend.

In my family, we don't talk about personal stuff. Everything is very basic. The most talked about topics are our careers and educations. When I was young, the only things father would ask me were, "Bila exam?" "Results macam mana?" "Pergi study" End of conversation.

Father tries to bind us together though. We sometimes have family dinners but we usually end up 'buat hal masing-masing' and eat quietly. It's pathetic. We do most things together, actually. We just don't talk! For example, if one of us is going overseas, everybody would be at the airport to bid our farewells. Since father is punctual, we leave the house early and wait at the airport for hours before boarding. Within that time, we don't talk. We don't talk in the car. We don't talk during hari raya, we don't talk. Father and mother talk to each other all the time, but we, the offsprings, seldom get involved in their conversations. We listen. We talk when we are asked, when are expected to talk.

If I were to call home, I always ask for mother, even if father answered the phone. I just don't know how to talk to father.

That's why, when father is against my relationship, I am upset because I feel like he doesn't know me, he never talks to me about anything else, how come out of a sudden he has something to say about my boyfriend!

One time, I was so mad, I sent an SMS to mother expressing my unsatisfaction after a domestic quarrel with them, I said, "Father never talks to me before. And just now he had something to say to me, he yelled at me."

According to them, I am the most difficult child to dealt with because I couldn't tolerate is when somebody is rough with me. I would either break down or fight back, thus it is hard for them to get the message across. I guess, father has gotten too used with his military style approach. So, as I am now older, our mode of communications are via the SMSes, written letters and e-mails. And we live under the same roof.

Although I am quiet at home, I am very talkative among my friends. This annoys my parents sometimes. I couldn't help it.

Aidilfitri.

We shake and kiss hands. Then eat separately and watch TV separately. Apparently, we have enough TVs, telephones, computers, you name it, to cater for our separate needs.

Not that I don't love them, and I am sure they love us too (my parents only recently started to tell me they love me in SMSes, letters or e-mails, technologies do miracles!) but we are not trained to be affectionate.

I vow to change this in my future family.

I am ashamed to admit about my family situation to my friends, but I think they could feel the vibe.

Up until now, I only know one other person whose family is similar to mine.

We are not normal, aren't we?

21.

I want to help those people in Sudan. I want to do volunteer work in Darfur.

Easier said than done.

Everytime I think about them, which by the way, is not that often, I realize how petty my problems are compared to theirs.

Right now, all I could do is donate RM50 to UNICEF every month.

I could have done so much more than that.

My first 20 postsecrets.

1- I want to send in my secrets but I can't find the time.

2- I want to send in my secrets but I don't know how my postcards should look like.

3- I want to send in my secrets but I'm afraid someone would know it's me.

4- I cry when I read their secrets on the website.

5- I wish postsecrets.com had an archive so I could go through all previous secrets. All I could do now is search 'postsecrets' on youtube.

6- My parents are not as bad as I described them in my blog. They are good in everything else.

7- I wish I could be a housewife. But that would be such a waste to all the years in university. And nobody supports me in this, not even my boyfriend.

8- After I give birth, I want to take some years off from working and spend my time with my baby. When I told this to my friends, they laughed. As if I was being an unreasonable career woman.

9- I sometimes, just want to be: ORDINARY. Because I am not that special, really. It is easier that way.

10- I waste time. I hate it. But I can't find a solution to this problem.

11- I don't want to be a role model because I am not perfect.

12- I wish karma didn't exist. I don't want the bad things I did to repeat themselves on me.

13- I miss my friends when we were in high schools. Those times were so much fun. I hate drifting away from them.

14- My new friends are not the same like my highschool friends. I feel so lonely.

15- Sometimes, I want them to know I'm in pain, even though I am smiling.

16- How I wish it was easy to quit...But life is not that simple.

17- I used to have crushes on bloggers. Because I imagine they were as beautiful as what they've written.

18- I want to make friends with other bloggers, but I have to remain anonymous.

19- I DON'T WANT SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME TO FIND THIS BLOG.

20- God has given me most things and I am grateful. But sometimes, I forget and I pretend like I am inadequate so I could complaint like everyone else, just so to be a part of the rest of the world. Because life is not perfect, ain't it?

Why?

Saya tahu, tak patut saya mengeluh. Tak patut saya bertanya, "Kenapa saya? Kenapa susah?"

Tapi saya terpaksa luahkan juga! Dah tak ada tempat lain lagi...

Nak buat benda baik pun susah ke?

Orang lain susah jugak? Susah macam mana? Saya tak tahu pun. Betul? Tak tipu? Kalau macam tu, ceritakan pada saya. Saya perlu tahu. Bagi saya harapan.
Saya perlu tahu kesusahan begini adalah biasa, normal.
Semua orang pun melaluinya.

It's not that simple.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Except my boyfriend. But that's different.

I need another point of view.

An advice. Hope.

Kadang-kadang, saya rasa tidak adil. Everything else is going very fine with us. We hardly argue about anything, he is very understanding and very mature. He is financially stable and he comes from a good family. The most important thing is, he could guide me in life.

Kan dah cukup semua tu: Berharta, berketurunan baik, cantik, beragama, sihat tubuh badan, bertanggungjawab, berakhlak mulia, sekufu.

Orang lain yang banyak perangai, senang-senang pula dapat kahwin. Contohnya, yang kaki ganja, kaki penipu, yang nak kahwin lagi satu...Tapi kenapa kami ni pula yang banyak cabaran?

Tapi, kenapa mother and father masih tak bagi?

Faktor yang mother and father bagi tu irrelevant! And I think you said it just because you have to, because there is no other reason you could give to forbid me from marrying him, kan? Ada fakta yang salah, tapi kenapa mother and father tak mahu percaya benda yang betul? Kenapa tak mahu dengar penerangan kami? Kenapa tak mahu terima kebenaran?

Dari mana sebenarnya mother and father dengar cerita-cerita tipu pasal dia? Tak betul...Nak kami buktikan macam mana lagi?

I didn't ask to fall in love with him. But it happened. If I didn't meet him, I could stay single effortlessly, I wouldn't want to rush for a wedding. But I've met him. It's fated, I've met him.
My love for him is growing. Don't you know how it feels like when you just know that he is the right one for you? How you want so much for him to become a family, a partner, a husband, and a father to your children?

Father and mother ingat senang nak cari lelaki yang jaga solat? Puasa penuh? Tahu hukum-hakam? Merokok pun tidak!
Saya ni pun bukannya elok sangat. For me to have somebody like him who is willing to marry me, genuinely, is like, bulan jatuh ke riba.

He may not have a professional career, but he is good in what he is doing and he has a degree. Dia bukan budak bodoh.

Degree macam mana lagi yang mother and father would allow?

Sampai hati mother and father fitnah dia macam-macam. Although, things are not said directly to him, but the things I hear hurt me.

Everytime I try to tell good things about him, about his success, being abroad expanding his horizons, anything, mother and father always have negative remarks after that.

Paling sakit hati bila mother and father cakap dia ke luar negara mengedar dadah.
Atau ke luar negara untuk berdakwah, maka jika saya kahwini dia, saya akan ditinggalkan berbulan-bulan.
Atau sebab dia lari dari hutang.
Atau dia cuma ada sijil SPM saja.
Atau dia sudah pun beristeri lain.

Ape ni...Merepek betul!

Mother and father betul-betul mahu dia tunjuk sijil ijazah ke?
Kalau sudah beristeri lain, masakan dia bawa saya jumpa ibu bapanya, jumpa saudara maranya, jumpa rakan-rakannya.
Dan, orang yang sudah beristeri selalunya pandai mencairkan orang tua...Putar belit kata-kata...

And stop ridicule him everytime you meet him! He is a noble person and he treats me really good. Why can't you see that?

-Pasti ada hikmah-

Budget.

Last night, my boyfriend and I had a long conversation about our wedding budget.

"Do you realize how much money you have to spend for the wedding?" I asked.

What I told him:

First nikah
- Flight tickets
- A ring and a necklace (because I won't be wearing the ring on my finger to avoid suspicion)
- RM5000 (elaun sara diri/ hantaran)
- pocket money
Total: RM20000

Engagement
- A new ring (he cannot be 'buruk siku' and recycle our initial nikah ring!)
- Barang-barang hantaran atas dulang
Total: RM3000

Second nikah
- A platinum ring (as demanded, hehe)
- Hantaran RM10000- RM15000 (mother and father will decide on this)
- Hantaran atas dulang
- The kenduri
Total: RM50000

Etc
- A house (he planned to build our house since he already has the land but I told him to get a nice little apartment for us first)
- Cars (he wants to buy a new car for himself but what's more important is he has to buy a new car for me!)
- Honeymoon
- House furnitures
Total: RM80000 (honeymoon + down payments)

GRAND TOTAL: RM153k

"You have two years to find at least half of that, no more shopping spree for you after this!" I said.
"I dah lama tak shopping tau. What about you? How much do you have to spend?" he asked.
"Well, there would only be one kenduri on my side, but I think my parents would cover for that. Most of the guests would be their friends anyway! I probably will have to pay half of that and I'll pay for the hantaran as well. That's all," I answered with a smile.
His comment to that was, "Senangnya jadi perempuan!"

"And don't forget, you have to have savings too! For our future, for our children," I reminded him.
"Of course, of course, I've planned everything. Lets just hope we'll get the projects," he said.
"What if..." I was thinking the possibility of not getting the tenders.
"We'll get the projects. Don't worry. I also have plan B just in case. But I'll get the money. Duit dekat mana-mana pun boleh cari, sayang. Cuma kena usaha, bukan susah sangat. Nak cari soulmate tu yang susah..."

Aww...Isn't he sweet? I know he has savings in his accounts, I just don't know how much he has prepared for us. Anyway, all the best to him, he'll get the projects because I know he is good in what he is doing.

Still thinking.

"Kenapa mesti takut Allah? Kita sepatutnya sayang Allah. Dan takut jika kita tidak lagi disayangi Allah, takut dengan balasan Allah."

Something I sometimes ponder upon when I was about to sleep, while thinking about my life.

"Nasi Lemak Buah Bidara
Daun Selasih Hamba Lurutkan
Buang Emak, Buang Saudara
Kerana Kasih, Hamba Turutkan."

I never intend to choose between my family and my boyfriend. Call me greedy, but I want them both. I insist to believe, I deserve both of them!

During my younger days, I told myself to never compromise my love towards my parents.

"So, you would leave the man you love, and marry the person you parents choose? How could you live with someone you don't love for the rest of your life?" my friend asked.

At that time, I thought, it would be easy. I would teach myself to love him. If I can't, I would live without love, I thought I could.

"You always put other people ahead of you," my friend told me. What was so bad about sacrificing my happiness for others? They are my parents, two people who make sure I live comfortably all this while. I thought, the decision of choosing between family and boyfriend, should never be an issue. I thought I didn't even have to think about it, I knew the priority would be given to my family.

Obviously, I was not yet this much in love.

Now, I understand how difficult it is to lose somebody you love. Now, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody else other than my boyfriend. Me and another guy living together? No way, I could never be the loving and caring wife. I would probably constantly finding his faults, comparing him to my current boyfriend. I'd rather live alone. At least until I get over my boyfriend, which I don't know whether it is possible or not.

The decision whether to marry my boyfriend without my parents' consent or not, is the biggest, most difficult decision ever I have to make. I have to be aware of the impacts and be prepared to face the consequences.

Follow my heart? I don't want to blindly follow my heart, I have to use my head as well. Marriage is a big thing, I am weighing the pros and cons so I wouldn't make a stupid decision.

However, everytime I am thinking about it, I'd be riding an emotional roller-coster which is sickening and tiring, and it seems like it is never-ending.

Right now, the only thing I could be sure of is to let my boyfriend find out about the marriage procedures. In the meantime, I hope Allah will show me the correct path.

Fear.

According to plan, we should be married in several months. I did solat istikharah a couple of times already, but I haven't dreamt anything solid yet.

Why is it so hard for us to get married? My boyfriend said, other people might get married easily, but they might face problems later on. We should be grateful, because if we could overcome this test, insyaAllah, everthing else would be much smoother in the future. I want to believe him. I think he is right.

So, in a few months, we'll get married and it'll be our secret for two years. We are sure by that time, my parents would have been too tired to separate us and they'd give in and allow us to be together. Then, we'd get married all over again and pretend like we are virgins. We just have to be patient.

Patience.

"Sayang, parents are correct in most things, but not everything," he said.

We decide to get married because it is better to make it halal than going on like this. We want the Almighty's berkat. I think 'bercinta' unofficially is a burden. I feel guilty all over, like I've sinned.

"Are you sure this is the best thing to do?" I asked.

"Why is getting married so bad? Kan Allah suka orang yang berkahwin, kita bukan nak buat benda jahat. Lebih baik kita bercinta, dapat berkat dan pahala, daripada bercinta macam ni, kumpul dosa. We've been together for one year, berapa lama lagi kena bercinta macam ni...You've known me enough, you've met my parents, my families, my friends, everything is settled on my side. I want to love you, to take care of you, to be with you when you need me, but I can't if I am not married to you. Nak kumpul dosa sampai bila?" my boyfriend tried to convince me.

True, but the only thing that makes me a bit reluctant is the fear if my parents ever find out about our secret.

Hmm...