now and then

The same problem occurs almost every single time.
I have so many things to share but in the end, I decide not to because my anonymity will be in jeopardy if I proceed with my story.

As a result to that, this space where I should write the draft for my next blogpost, was empty for two hours before I typed and erased and typed again.

What a waste of my time!

I really miss my school friends. As I was growing up, people always say the best time of your life is your college or university days. Well, I guess that couldn't be applied to my life.

I used to make friends easily, but beginning my late teens and early twenties, I created a wall where only a few, selected people are allowed to be close to me, but not as close as the ones who grew up with me. I just find it difficult to open up to strangers. At the same time, my childhood friends and I started to drift apart. Ini namanya, yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran. Akhirnya, siapa yang rugi? Siapa yang lonely? Myself. I am all alone, stuck and static.

Not that I have no good friends now, but the chemistry is not like what I had with my old friends. My school friends and I, we used to understand each other, completely, ALL of us. Although there were 3 or 6 or 24 of us, we still got along very well and nobody was left behind or made to feel neglected.

The friends I used to have were true friends, because they were the ones who stood up for me.
Maybe it was natural for that age, the hormones that made us stick together, to become rebellious when one of us was offended.
When one was kicked out of the class, another would follow, ignoring the teacher's demand. When one was kicked out of school, we pleaded to the teachers to please forgive him. When he did not attend the next class, the atmosphere just fell silent, one or two wept, because we missed him. Pens were flying, tables were kicked, things were broken, people were pushed, as signs of protest because one talked bad about me. Comel.

I miss that bond.

We hated hypocrites and none of us was.

Compared to now, adults are more prone to go with the flow, they don't hold to a principle which you should be loyal to your friends. Since I left school, I've met too many who simply agree when somebody he/ she is close to is being thrashed. To me, that's backstabbing. I've met too many who hide certain important information from everybody else to reduce competitions. To me, that's selfish and stingy. I've met too many who whine and complaints when being asked for help. To me, that's insincerity. I've met too many who lie to your face, but at the same time, they can be inappropriately truthful. Shouldn't a 'friend' back you up and tell white lies to the superiors when you are in trouble?

Nowadays, all that we could think of is 'nak jaga periuk nasi masing-masing'. We are too careful in every move and every word. All in the name of reputation.

Tell me, have you ever had a sleepover with your colleagues from work? From my personal experience, I always go back to my old friends even if I were to organize a slumber party, they are the people I am most comfortable with, even if it has been months since we last talked. The only time I spend the night with my colleagues is when we have to finish work.

In the old days, my friends used to know me inside out. What happened at home, we exhanged our deepest, darkest secrets and fears, we talked about fathers who had secret wives, uncles who we bumped into in a club with a girl who could be as young as us, mothers who serang the new wife with a parang, we talked about our drunk cousins, runaway brothers, the sex book our parents gave for our 16th birthday, the porn movie we attempted to watch, grandparents who were cult members... Those were our story, inside and out.

I miss those days, when susah senang bersama...

Sekarang ni, jangan haraplah if we were to reveal our secrets...Membuka pekung di dada namanya...

I still call them my bestfriends, but the reality is, they were my bestfriends. And I miss them too. One is too busy with work (she's a doctor is a government hospital), one is too busy with her family and the new baby, two are settling in the States. Sure, we make the effort to organize a get-together when we could and we still have fun when we are at it, but we are not on the same wavelenghts anymore, if you know what I mean...

I miss them. Sometimes, I wish the Internet was invented and developed earlier so I was always in touch with them from the time we left school, so we never drifted apart.

My current bestfriend is my boyfriend. How sad is that! Lucky that I have another bestfriend whom I update my life to every two or three weeks, at least ada tempat meluahkan perasaan when the boyfriend is acting like a jerk. But he's a guy, he tends to support the XY gene and my boyfriend tends to get jealous with our relationship. I want a girl bestfriend too, someone who could multitask, bitching and shopping with me at the same time!