not okay

I'm quite tired and negative lately. Apart from being lonely, I feel like I have noone I can depend on.

Nowadays, I keep bottling my feelings inside me. My issues are sensitive and I have to consider how others might have felt too. That's why I can't be too open about it especially to the people who know who I am talking about. I don't want them to judge.

Sometimes, just to make myself feel better, I tell myself this is my jihad kecil. At other times, I feel the need to help myself and I'm thinking to see a psychologist or a counsellor, at the very least.

I end up seeing my imaginary friends instead.

I also realize I've been talking to myself out loud lately. I hope it will help.

I didn't tell you this earlier, (or did I? I can't remember) but my boyfriend had asked my parents whether it's okay if he brings his family to see mine. He had been told, "Not now".

Not now. He received the same answer for more than a couple of times he tried.

Since then, a lot has happened. We were both stressed and this led to many big arguments. He said I was pushy and impatient, I said he was a coward and slow, he said my parents like to look down at people, I said he was rude for even thinking as such.

After all the bickerings, he said, "Why don't you find somebody else?" and I can't lose, I said, "Fine. There's a lot of men out there who would treat me nicer, you are the one who's supposed to feel lucky to have me. Look at you, sedarlah diri tu sikit!"

I hate it when he becomes cocky, he'd say, "Noone will be as nice as me. Try la cari."

Somehow, whenever we wanted to end things, we can't. He thinks it's not worth it to throw away the years we've had together and I, I don't know, I love him but I've been taught that we can't always have the things we want.

It's complicated and it's difficult. I realize that we both are becoming more and more distant from each other. I don't know whether he realizes this or not. But this realization hurts. I really don't want to make a huge deal out of it, I am a mature lady and I can handle this. Nevertheless, it still hurts and humiliating since I used to have so much faith in us.

I do still love him, but being on and off is not cool. It's childish and I'm looking for a more stable relationship. I won't blame him or myself, things just happen. Looking at the bright side, it will be easier since this is gradual and mutual and we both see it coming. Deep down, I still have a glimmer of hope, hoping that we will eventually work out.

He knows this. For the past few weeks, I've been declaring myself single and looking even though we are still together. We agree that if we found someone else, it will be okay.

Okay. :(

So, cepatlah approach saya. Maybe we need something fresh.