I feel like I post more about my daughter on IG. But, that's okay, because now, I feel like I write more about my son on the blog.

My son ni special. Memang selalu nampak garang, kasar, cakap pun jerit jerit. Tapi softie inside. I notice whenever I ask him to do something, no matter how he much he does not like it, he always says okay. Obedient. Unlike his sister, often playfully says no.

I was unwell yesterday. On my menses, feeling yucky about myself, achy all over because of the vaccine...But I needed to do laundry. My son immediately stopped playing on his laptop, and helped me carry the laundry. Like, how sweet is that, I did not even ask. I said thank you and kissed him on the head and of course, told him that he was a good boy.

I feel so blessed. Both of kids are good kids. I don't even remember being this well-behaved when I was young. I remember my mom was often annoyed by me, though.

Today, I was all depressed and my son stayed by side trying to make me feel better. My daughter did too, they were both hugging me and rubbed my back. I guess because my son is slightly older, he understands me more. My children are really caring and takes care of me.

I am so grateful that sometimes, I don't feel I deserve them. 

I've just started to teach my son not to miss his prayers. I know, late, but he's going to be 10 this year, it's okay, we go slow and steady...So far, solat semua except for Subuh. Tak apalah, we'll try for 3-6 months, then we'll start Subuh pulak. That's the plan...

Initially, we solat together. But, then, he began to become impatient. He's saying that I'm too slow...Tak apalah, yang penting not to miss solat. Perfection, sincerity, khusyu' dan hidayah tu kita slow...Budak kan...Berdiri tegak pun masih tak reti duduk diam.

Anyway, I couldn't pray because I'm menstruating. So, I told him, I have my period, please solat without me. He knew about girls bleed from their vaginas from his teenager cousins...

Today, he asked:

- Macam mana Mommy tau Mommy period?

Well, I saw blood on my undies.

- Sakit ke Mommy?

Some girls get pain, but I don't.

- Semua girls period ke hari ni?

Eh, tak lah. We get period every month on random days.

- Kenapa boys tak period?

Sebab boys don't give birth. If you get your period, it means you are not pregnant. But, if you don't get your period, it means a baby is growing in your womb.

- Oh, you are bleeding because the baby is killed? The baby died, that's why blood coming out!

Hhmm...Sorta. Now, go to sleep. Good night.

I acknowledge that my son is not a Maths whiz. Which makes me a bit frustrated because I used to love Maths, and I always find it to be the easiest subject. I mean, once you know it, you know. Just throw whatever numbers, use the correct formulas, and done, instant results!

That's why I am a little bit hard on him. I could not understand why he doesn't count as fast as when I was his age. Primary Maths are just patterns. I get pretty annoyed because he could not recognize the patterns unless I really show him.

One day, his teacher told me he was falling behind. He didn't do his homework for months. I was furious. After much interrogation, I found out he stopped understanding the subject after he missed one week of school due to COVID-19 infection.

I was disappointed in myself, my son, and his teacher. I mean, he goes to a private school with only 20 students in his class. Why can't his teacher make sure he understand! Ugh, so annoying.

And began the episodes of me drilling him, making sure he understands all the topics. There were many episodes of crying, me losing my temper and saying inappropriate things to my son, hurting his feelings along the way. And that's why I'm upset when I had to be his teacher. I have no patience. When I'm in my teacher mode, I become a perfectionist. No mistakes are allowed. Nothing is ever good enough. Even when he gets all correct, I would still not be satisfied with his timing for answering the questions.

At one point, my son thought I didn't love him and thought he was stupid. He cried and I embraced him. I apologized and told him to yell the safe word if he thinks I've gone too far. Then, I told him that Mommy wasn't mad at him, 'teacher Mommy' did. So...

When I taught him, he began to understand and find Maths to be easier that he thought. I was like- Didn't your teacher teach you like this? Didn't your teacher show you like this?

He would tell me- No. Teacher ajar susah! Mommy ajar senang!

Seriously...

He sat for his Maths exam and today, his teacher announced the result.

He was super happy that he got 72%. I was like..."Hhmm...That's a B."

"But I passed, Mommy! Only 3 boys passed!" He said so proudly.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that that's not good enough. Everybody should get an A for Primary Maths because it's gonna get harder.

Anyway, I let him have his moment. I mean, he was over the moon. Like, wow, what an achievement for him, it's cute.

Before bed, as usual, we talk, just the two of us.

Apparently, 9 boys failed. The lowest was 11%. He is the sixth highest in class. The highest 3 are all girls, highest being 89%, nobody got A+. All girls passed except one.

The boys even created a Failed Corner- you can only enter if you failed.

Seriously, what school is thissss...What is wrong with his teacher! I hope he gets a different Maths teacher when he enters Standard 4!

Hahaha...Nak tergelak pun ada. Like, oh, my dear son, I wonder how you'd feel in a public school, where you have to compete with 40 students, or 300 students in your batch.

Seeing his excitement today, I am happy for him. Maybe I need to learn to lower my expectation. I just need to accept that my son is not a Maths whiz, he's a Geography whiz. His General Knowledge far exceeds mine when I was his age.

I hope he knows that I'm proud of him nevertheless. Bless his innocent soul- 72% is excellent...Hahaha...In the real world, 72% is only average, who's gonna tell him...

Tadi, I kemas dapur. Rumah bersepah gila. Then, I entered the kids' room, tengok my daughter's clothes box bersepah, terus rasa marah. Like, how...! Can't you see the house is so messy, lepas tu bila baju dah lipat elok-elok, ambillah elok-elok! How many times do you expect me to kemas kemas kemas dan kemas! This anger was towards my husband because he was the one who dressed my daughter this morning! And I blamed my daughter too, because I'm pretty sure she said no to many outfits until she found something that she liked.

Daughter knew she was guilty, and she said- I'm sorry, Mommy, please forgive me. Do you forgive me?

This girl memang pandai, kaki bodek, sweet talker.

My son pulak, cepat-cepat hugged me really tight, while whispered- Calm down, calm down...

Haihh...Manalah budak-budak ni belajar kan...I am blessed, Alhamdulillah. They are really good children, ada kekurangan masing-masing, but perfect in my eyes. I always tell them- I'm so grateful to become your mother. It's true, I really mean it.

Anyway...

Hari tu kan, I tengok Tik Tok. Sometimes, I think, I am often different than the majority. Pemikiran lain. Am I weird?

Example 1:

Pasal isu staff llao llao bagi extra topping. And the comments were like- I pernah kerja so-and-so, I selalu bagi lebih. Bukan duit I pun, tak apa.

Another comment: Buat apa kerja extra, bukan company kita pun. Boss tak kisah pun pasal kita.

Like, I find it so disturbing yang bercakap ni Melayu Islam. And ramai pulak tu yang menyokong.

One- itu bukan hak you nak bagi extra extra pada customer. Tu tetap dianggap mencuri. Ke I yang salah ni? You nak pemurah sangat, you take it out from your pocket lah...Bukan ke itu namanya tak amanah?

Two- Whatever happens to giving the best when you work on something? Sure lah, sometimes you tak dihargai, tak dapat duit lebih, tapi kepuasan diri dan ganjaran dari Allah kan ada...Kenalah buat sehabis baik. Ni kerja pun cincai...

Seriously, generation yang menakutkan.

Example 2:

Pasal isu ASB. Like, oohh, dapat dividen sikit. Not worth it, bla bla bla.

I pulak macam- You nak duit lebih banyak macam mana lagi? You bukannya actively main saham. You letak je kot duit you dalam tu, lepas tu, you expect nak dividen banyak-banyak? Like, how, you don't even sweat and you expect free money? Sure lah, dulu dividen lagi tinggi, it's getting worse, bla bla bla. But, at the end of the day, why so many of you rasa money should come that easy? For me, kalau I dapat static amount pun, I tak kisah. Sebab, I letak je duit dalam tu.

Yang marah ni, mostly orang yang ambil loan lah...Tapi, before you signed the agreement, takkan you tak tahu semua benda ni risky? Orang yang paling kaya, ialah orang yang tiada hutang.

Example 3:

Pasal isu pergi Dubai/ other Gulf countries dan dilayan buruk. Hhmm...Itu pun nak jadi isu. Hahaha...I don't understand. Like, so? You dekat Malaysia, you Bumiputra, you rasa you lah yang terpaling first class. Bila you pergi overseas, you get bad treatments, you tak puas hati pulak. Habis tu, yang selama ni you buat dekat orang lain? Pandang serong pada orang Bangladesh, Nepal, Indonesia, Rohingya, Filipina and Africans?

Funny, you rasa you have to dress better, speak better or introduce yourself as a Malaysian.

Sometimes, it's just their culture. Kita rasa diorang tu rude, sebab budi bahasa orang Malaysia ni terlebih tinggi sikit. Padahal, orang tu biasa je, that's just the way they communicate, especially if English is not their first language. Tak payah lah nak sensitif sangat...

I am weird because I actually enjoy when people underestimate me. Not that I rasa I want to prove something to them at the end of the day, but I like to feel how people view me if I have nothing. I am an empath, and I like to feel how other less privileged people get treated.

I feel like those kinds of experiences would humble me and keep me grounded. And I think the reminders are important in my life. Embrace it.

Kadang-kadang memanglah rasa marah, like, why are you so rude. Tapi tak adalah sampai, I demand you change your attitude because I am so-and-so. Kita pun setakat Malaysian je, currency pun kecik. Kalau you rasa hebat sebab you ada Dr or Ir or Dato etc, hhmm, tak payahlah...Tu cuma title je okay...

Pelikkan I ni...Even at work, I don't mind kalau clients ingat I ni kerani biasa je. Tak kisah pun, bukan hina pun. Not that I am avoiding from my actual responsibility that I pretend to be clueless so that I don't have to answer difficult questions. Tapi some clients memang macam tu, when I try to explain things, they don't want to listen sebab diorang ingat I ni kerani! I really tryyyy...Ada yang taknak pun pandang I ni. So, tak apalah, I biar je lah clients tu deal dengan orang yang dia comfortable with, and eventually orang tu akan refer balik clients tu pada I. Hahaha...

And no, bukan sebab kitorang buruk, sebab kerani semestinya cantik-cantik. Hahaha. Mungkin, there's something about my face, or the way I talk. Tapi mostly orang cakap sebab I act younger than I actually am, orang pun tak percaya I ni bos.

Terima je lah, kita ni memang nobody. Tak jadi isu pun kalau kita dapat layanan biasa-biasa. You nak happy, it begins within yourself. Bukan happy sebab orang layan you macam anak raja. I pun geram okay kalau orang demand layanan special sebab orang tu adalah mertua kepada menantu dia punya pakcik yang kerja sebagai PA seorang VIP. Whattttt...Orang yang waris sipi sipi ni lah yang biasanya membuat onar. Setakat menumpang nama orang tu je...Hahaha...

Depressed lah...I feel like my life is not right. Everything is wrong. Entahlah, balasan kot, sebab jahat sangat kot...

At least I'm in Malaysia lah kan. Musim hujan pun dah berselimut. I can't imagine kalau winter. Dahlah electricity and gas mahal gila, tengah crisis kan...Walaupun I ni jenis tahan sejuk, I just can't. 

Back to my depression...I know this is serious because I've been sleeping and eating, gaining weight, neglecting housework, no interest whatsoever...Not getting any professional help yet, but I do hope I snap out of it very soon.

Everyday, I tell my children that I am sad, I feel stupid...This can't be good for them to hear me, their own mother, saying all this. But, I really don't have anybody else.

Very good kids, they are, sometimes when they see my expressionless face, they would offer me a cuddle.

I am such a failure lah, not good in anything, I am just humiliating myself. Kenapalah I macam ni...

Feeling super annoyed today. Entahlah...For the past few years, I've been feeling weird. Like, I think I should be diagnosed with Autism or ADHD, I don't know...

I am always a last-minute kinda girl. I procrastinate, even with very important things- this cannot be normal. I can't focus. When I wan to concentrate on something, I have so many questions in my head that would deviate me from my goal.

Like- Okay, today I want to complete Task A

But my brain- Before that, I need to understand why we need to this task. Maybe, I should answer the past year sample questions first to save time. Is the answer A or B. I don't know, let's Google for the answer. Oh, that bag is nice. Let's see if the website offer Black Friday discount. Why am I itchy? Must be the ants! Look at that! Ants eating my crumbs. I need to buy a handheld vacuum. Let's go Shopee...Ooohh...

And before I knew it, I wasted 2 hours of my life.

Plus, the fact that my mood is so labile. Am I having a bipolar or what! 

I really think I need professional help. But, what if, I turned out just normal...This can't be normal!

Tadi sebab upset, jom kita cerita santai sikit.

About 3 weeks ago, I think, ada orang message I, nak berkenalan. Hahahaha! I don't know who this person was. He was like, "Askum. Bz kew?" Seriously, how old are you!

I was opening the Whatsapp Web in my desktop. Showed the text message to my staff, and I thought he got the wrong person. Because, my staff is younger and prettier complete dengan kulit licin, putih, gebu. So, I replied- I think you got the wrong person. Tell me who are you really looking for.

This guy pun cakap- Saya cari kawan. Itu pun kalau awak sudi...

Hahaha...I malas nak layan. So, I pun berterus terang je lah- Sorry, I am not available.

My staff cakap, "Mesti orang ni ingat Miss ni kerja kerani." Yeah, I get that a lot.

Anyway, seperti biasa, mestilah excited. Dah tua-tua ni, ada peminat pulak...Dah lah pergi kerja bare face. Skincare routine is working out!

Betullah...Sebab last week, I brought my son to Kidzania. And while waiting for my son outside of the playroom, there was this one tween/ teen who thought I was lining up to play! "Kak, akak tengah beratur ke?"

Adik...If only you knew I am entering my 40s.

Must be of what I wore kot...I don't know lah.

Disebabkan last week, I balik jumpa Mother, I pun cerita je lah pasal ada orang nak berkenalan. Ye lah, nak cerita pada siapa lagi? I actually told my husband but got 'meh' reaction from him.

Then you know what Mother said to me? Basically, Mother pun tak heran because...My 65 year-old aunt, a widower, apparently dah ada 5 orang ajak dia kahwin! Hahahaha! Totally stole my thunder! 

I don't know why but I am so bothered after my 6 year-old daughter told me about what happened to her 2 weeks ago.

She's in kindergarden and her closest friends are Jess and Gina (not real names). She is always thinking about them, like, can they come for a sleepover, can I buy this toy for them too, I want to make bracelets for them, Jess this, Gina that...

And I am happy for her. They seem like nice girls and that's why my daughter loves them so much.

We were on a holiday last week. Naturally, before we went, my daughter was all excited and told her friends about the plan.

Tapi I tak tau lah, diorang ni jealous ke apa, 2 days before we left, Jess told the whole class not to talk to my daughter for the whole day. And nobody was allowed to sit with her.

She told me this yesterday. And then she said, "So, I sat alone and drew a broken heart."

And that broke my heart! Geram tau, kecik-kecik dah mean girls! And, I was like, "Aw, she's just jealous of you. Why is she so mean!"

And my daughter still defended them, "They didn't talk to me for one day only, Mommy. We are friends now."

I'm so upset and bothered. Why lah do like that to my daughter. I bukanlah nak bias ke apa, but Baby H ni memang baik sangat. She's so empathatic, kind, loving, helpful, generous and polite. And tengoklah, she didn't even tell me this right away, semalam baru cerita...

Am I just being protective, or overdramatic.. I don't know. I diam je lah, tak adalah nak halang my kid from being friends with her. I just told my daughter not to be like her. Tapi deep down, sekarang ni, I tak suka si Jess ni! Mean girl vibe sangat!

The other day, my colleagues and I were talking about who's nice and who's not. There are a few people who are suoer duper nice, that one of colleagues said: Baik gila macam bidadari!

Whoa! Level bidadari dah ni...

I, didn't want to get left behind, spontaneously said, "What about Miss Ectopy (me)? Ketua bidadari?"

I think I'm pretty nice!

My statementwas met with laughter, and he said- "Awak pun baik jugak...Tapi awak pun ada tegasnya. Bagus juga..."

Compliment? No? I don't know. Apparently, when you are tegas, you are not bidadari level. Hahaha!

Tapi I happy je...I suka je orang kata I tegas. Tegas is good lah kan? Jangan biar dipijak.

Teringat pulak once upon a time when I was garang. Haha. Takdelah garang sangat pun. Just that, I had that aura. Apparently, people were scared to call me. I toned down a lot, lot, after getting pregnant because I didn't want people to curse my unborn child. Hehehe...

Yea, people change, you know. I know a lot of people who were once awful. Now, they are well loved, famous taraf celebrity. Padahal dulu-dulu, perangai pun menyakitkan hati. That's why I tend not to judge the young ones. Ala, muda-muda mestilah banyak buat benda bodoh. We were once young too...Nobody's perfect.

Tapi kalau dah tua-tua pun masih perangai tak senonoh, that's shameful.

I actually wanted to pen down something in a long time, but...Entahlah, got a bit shy kot...The story macam ni...

Adalah this one older guy, whom I got to know through work. He's a VIP. I treat him in a very professional, always.

Then, he liked to call me, okay, fine. He was like- "Aww...Thank you for helping me out. We should go out, I want to treat you to makan-makan."

Innocent me thought he meant he wanted to treat my team and I for lunch. And I was like- That's too bad, we are in MCO, maybe next time, bla bla bla.

And he was like- We should have dinner together.

Okay, so he was thinking of dinner, instead of lunch, meaning he was not inviting my team, only me. (Because where I work, nobody wants to go out to eat after office hours. We just don't do that. If we did, nobody would've come, trust me.)

I stayed positive. Jangan nak perasan. I am not young. Surely he knows there's a very high chance that I am married. Besides, logically, I could not be that young because of the position I hold. So, buat tak tahu je lah.

At this point, I found he is indeed single.

Then, he started to message me about non-related work stuff, on weekends. Like- Hey, what are you doing for the weekends?

And I had a feeling he was hitting on me, so, I said- I probably go to the beach today because MY kids want to go there.

Isn't that obvious?

I mean, if I were him, I would have asked other people about my status before even trying. It's not a secret.

Okay, so no contact for a few weeks, or maybe months, I can't remember. Then, he needed my help. Fine, I am professional and I thought my status is clear to him by then.

And, he came to see me, and we talked, of course. But, this time, he was so direct about his intention. He told me about the time when his brother and his wife came to see me, and his brother approved of me- My brother cakap you ni baik, cantik, lembut...And as soon as dia cakap macam tu, I cakap, you jangan nak kacau Miss Ectopy tu, Miss Ectopy tu I punya...

Pastu dia cakap- My brother tu pilot, dah kahwin 3 kali, 2 of his wives are stewardess. I tak nak lah stewardess. Adalah dia cuba kenen-kenen kan dekat I, I pun adalah try keluar, tapi I tak nak lah.

Basically he was telling me, he rejected them because of me.

Lama jugaklah bercakap, almost one hour. Because he's a VIP, I had to practice the art of conversing. Because, if I salah cakap, tak pasal-pasal kena buang negeri lah pulak kan. In the end, I casually mentioned the word husband, and he finally got it!

He also played it cool, gelak-gelak. And he asked me whether he knows my husband, and I showed him the picture, and yes, they do know each other. "Oh, dia ada cakap isteri dia dekat KL," to which I responded, yea, we were having LDR and I moved here a couple of years ago. Then, he said, you janganlah cerita pula dekat husband you.

I did not. I tak bagitahu my husband langsung. It's best for now.

Truthfully, I am flattered lah. Like, siapa tak suka kan ada peminat, for someone yang dah kahwin, dah ada anak, yang tak pakai mekap langsung pergi kerja, kadang-kadang pakai spec sampai tudung kembang hari-hari...

Tapi, minta jauh lah...Benda-benda macam ni, I tak main lah, I'm past that. Why would I risk my marriage just for a little bit of excitement?

Lastly, kenapa orang tua suka I? Sebab mata diorang rabun, sebab tu rasa I cantik. Hahaha...Sebab dia rasa, I am the best that he could have. Tak boleh lah cari orang hot sangat, sebab diri sendiri pun tak hot, you get what I mean? Hahaha...