Feeling super annoyed today. Entahlah...For the past few years, I've been feeling weird. Like, I think I should be diagnosed with Autism or ADHD, I don't know...

I am always a last-minute kinda girl. I procrastinate, even with very important things- this cannot be normal. I can't focus. When I wan to concentrate on something, I have so many questions in my head that would deviate me from my goal.

Like- Okay, today I want to complete Task A

But my brain- Before that, I need to understand why we need to this task. Maybe, I should answer the past year sample questions first to save time. Is the answer A or B. I don't know, let's Google for the answer. Oh, that bag is nice. Let's see if the website offer Black Friday discount. Why am I itchy? Must be the ants! Look at that! Ants eating my crumbs. I need to buy a handheld vacuum. Let's go Shopee...Ooohh...

And before I knew it, I wasted 2 hours of my life.

Plus, the fact that my mood is so labile. Am I having a bipolar or what! 

I really think I need professional help. But, what if, I turned out just normal...This can't be normal!

Tadi sebab upset, jom kita cerita santai sikit.

About 3 weeks ago, I think, ada orang message I, nak berkenalan. Hahahaha! I don't know who this person was. He was like, "Askum. Bz kew?" Seriously, how old are you!

I was opening the Whatsapp Web in my desktop. Showed the text message to my staff, and I thought he got the wrong person. Because, my staff is younger and prettier complete dengan kulit licin, putih, gebu. So, I replied- I think you got the wrong person. Tell me who are you really looking for.

This guy pun cakap- Saya cari kawan. Itu pun kalau awak sudi...

Hahaha...I malas nak layan. So, I pun berterus terang je lah- Sorry, I am not available.

My staff cakap, "Mesti orang ni ingat Miss ni kerja kerani." Yeah, I get that a lot.

Anyway, seperti biasa, mestilah excited. Dah tua-tua ni, ada peminat pulak...Dah lah pergi kerja bare face. Skincare routine is working out!

Betullah...Sebab last week, I brought my son to Kidzania. And while waiting for my son outside of the playroom, there was this one tween/ teen who thought I was lining up to play! "Kak, akak tengah beratur ke?"

Adik...If only you knew I am entering my 40s.

Must be of what I wore kot...I don't know lah.

Disebabkan last week, I balik jumpa Mother, I pun cerita je lah pasal ada orang nak berkenalan. Ye lah, nak cerita pada siapa lagi? I actually told my husband but got 'meh' reaction from him.

Then you know what Mother said to me? Basically, Mother pun tak heran because...My 65 year-old aunt, a widower, apparently dah ada 5 orang ajak dia kahwin! Hahahaha! Totally stole my thunder! 

I don't know why but I am so bothered after my 6 year-old daughter told me about what happened to her 2 weeks ago.

She's in kindergarden and her closest friends are Jess and Gina (not real names). She is always thinking about them, like, can they come for a sleepover, can I buy this toy for them too, I want to make bracelets for them, Jess this, Gina that...

And I am happy for her. They seem like nice girls and that's why my daughter loves them so much.

We were on a holiday last week. Naturally, before we went, my daughter was all excited and told her friends about the plan.

Tapi I tak tau lah, diorang ni jealous ke apa, 2 days before we left, Jess told the whole class not to talk to my daughter for the whole day. And nobody was allowed to sit with her.

She told me this yesterday. And then she said, "So, I sat alone and drew a broken heart."

And that broke my heart! Geram tau, kecik-kecik dah mean girls! And, I was like, "Aw, she's just jealous of you. Why is she so mean!"

And my daughter still defended them, "They didn't talk to me for one day only, Mommy. We are friends now."

I'm so upset and bothered. Why lah do like that to my daughter. I bukanlah nak bias ke apa, but Baby H ni memang baik sangat. She's so empathatic, kind, loving, helpful, generous and polite. And tengoklah, she didn't even tell me this right away, semalam baru cerita...

Am I just being protective, or overdramatic.. I don't know. I diam je lah, tak adalah nak halang my kid from being friends with her. I just told my daughter not to be like her. Tapi deep down, sekarang ni, I tak suka si Jess ni! Mean girl vibe sangat!

The other day, my colleagues and I were talking about who's nice and who's not. There are a few people who are suoer duper nice, that one of colleagues said: Baik gila macam bidadari!

Whoa! Level bidadari dah ni...

I, didn't want to get left behind, spontaneously said, "What about Miss Ectopy (me)? Ketua bidadari?"

I think I'm pretty nice!

My statementwas met with laughter, and he said- "Awak pun baik jugak...Tapi awak pun ada tegasnya. Bagus juga..."

Compliment? No? I don't know. Apparently, when you are tegas, you are not bidadari level. Hahaha!

Tapi I happy je...I suka je orang kata I tegas. Tegas is good lah kan? Jangan biar dipijak.

Teringat pulak once upon a time when I was garang. Haha. Takdelah garang sangat pun. Just that, I had that aura. Apparently, people were scared to call me. I toned down a lot, lot, after getting pregnant because I didn't want people to curse my unborn child. Hehehe...

Yea, people change, you know. I know a lot of people who were once awful. Now, they are well loved, famous taraf celebrity. Padahal dulu-dulu, perangai pun menyakitkan hati. That's why I tend not to judge the young ones. Ala, muda-muda mestilah banyak buat benda bodoh. We were once young too...Nobody's perfect.

Tapi kalau dah tua-tua pun masih perangai tak senonoh, that's shameful.

I actually wanted to pen down something in a long time, but...Entahlah, got a bit shy kot...The story macam ni...

Adalah this one older guy, whom I got to know through work. He's a VIP. I treat him in a very professional, always.

Then, he liked to call me, okay, fine. He was like- "Aww...Thank you for helping me out. We should go out, I want to treat you to makan-makan."

Innocent me thought he meant he wanted to treat my team and I for lunch. And I was like- That's too bad, we are in MCO, maybe next time, bla bla bla.

And he was like- We should have dinner together.

Okay, so he was thinking of dinner, instead of lunch, meaning he was not inviting my team, only me. (Because where I work, nobody wants to go out to eat after office hours. We just don't do that. If we did, nobody would've come, trust me.)

I stayed positive. Jangan nak perasan. I am not young. Surely he knows there's a very high chance that I am married. Besides, logically, I could not be that young because of the position I hold. So, buat tak tahu je lah.

At this point, I found he is indeed single.

Then, he started to message me about non-related work stuff, on weekends. Like- Hey, what are you doing for the weekends?

And I had a feeling he was hitting on me, so, I said- I probably go to the beach today because MY kids want to go there.

Isn't that obvious?

I mean, if I were him, I would have asked other people about my status before even trying. It's not a secret.

Okay, so no contact for a few weeks, or maybe months, I can't remember. Then, he needed my help. Fine, I am professional and I thought my status is clear to him by then.

And, he came to see me, and we talked, of course. But, this time, he was so direct about his intention. He told me about the time when his brother and his wife came to see me, and his brother approved of me- My brother cakap you ni baik, cantik, lembut...And as soon as dia cakap macam tu, I cakap, you jangan nak kacau Miss Ectopy tu, Miss Ectopy tu I punya...

Pastu dia cakap- My brother tu pilot, dah kahwin 3 kali, 2 of his wives are stewardess. I tak nak lah stewardess. Adalah dia cuba kenen-kenen kan dekat I, I pun adalah try keluar, tapi I tak nak lah.

Basically he was telling me, he rejected them because of me.

Lama jugaklah bercakap, almost one hour. Because he's a VIP, I had to practice the art of conversing. Because, if I salah cakap, tak pasal-pasal kena buang negeri lah pulak kan. In the end, I casually mentioned the word husband, and he finally got it!

He also played it cool, gelak-gelak. And he asked me whether he knows my husband, and I showed him the picture, and yes, they do know each other. "Oh, dia ada cakap isteri dia dekat KL," to which I responded, yea, we were having LDR and I moved here a couple of years ago. Then, he said, you janganlah cerita pula dekat husband you.

I did not. I tak bagitahu my husband langsung. It's best for now.

Truthfully, I am flattered lah. Like, siapa tak suka kan ada peminat, for someone yang dah kahwin, dah ada anak, yang tak pakai mekap langsung pergi kerja, kadang-kadang pakai spec sampai tudung kembang hari-hari...

Tapi, minta jauh lah...Benda-benda macam ni, I tak main lah, I'm past that. Why would I risk my marriage just for a little bit of excitement?

Lastly, kenapa orang tua suka I? Sebab mata diorang rabun, sebab tu rasa I cantik. Hahaha...Sebab dia rasa, I am the best that he could have. Tak boleh lah cari orang hot sangat, sebab diri sendiri pun tak hot, you get what I mean? Hahaha...

I was quite happy today...Received unexpected rezeki. It was just a small gesture from a stranger, but greatly appreciated. I am grateful.

Then, I came home, and opened social media. Oh, my God, so toxic...Okay, not blaming people to be intentionally toxic towards me, but definitely changed my mood of the day.

Like, how these people could be so successful. Holiday sana sini lama-lama, tak main naik economy class...Dah lah cantik, kaya pula tu...Pandai pula tu...Rumah cantik, husband romantic, anak baik dan bijak...Pandai masak, menutup aurat dan sangat alim. Buat business pun pandai, terkenal, disayangi ramai...Kenapa perfect sangat! Like, macam mana boleh awet muda...Macam mana boleh kurus so easily, when I exercise pun tapi berat susah nak turun. But these people..."I only exercise 10-15 minutes everyday for 3 months and I lost 14 kilograms" - like, whaaatttt...

Jealous betul.

Still jealous, even though I know, nothing is perfect. Even when I know, my life ain't that bad, I have a good life too...Even when I know, other people might be envious of my life instead.

Itulah social media. I understand how it could crush people, teenagers especially. Everything and everyone is so superficial...

It makes you have unrealistic goals for yourself.

Contohnya, filter kan...Sure, it makes you look pretty. But when I look in the mirror, eh, macam tak cantik pun. Rasa macam perasan je tadi. Macam impostor pun ada. I see how beautiful I can be if I have perfect skin! How far would I go to achieve that? Tu semua fake.

Hhmm...Tu je lah nak cakap. The danger of social media. May we not fall victims to them.

But you know what? Before I sent my kids to bed, my daughter said, "I wanna be as good as you, Mommy." Aww...She also said, "You are beautiful, too."

My heart...is just so full...

One of the greatest rezeki in my life...

She makes it all better, what a grand gift from Allah!

Syukur selalu...Alhamdulillah.

I just wanna say...I'm quite happy with my skin now. Haven't felt like this in years...I'm now happy with my skincare routine...

My skin is still not perfect though. I don't expect it to be. I'm almost 40 and I've only started wearing sunscreen daily probably for past 6 months. A lot scarrings too...Haha, I was lazy and couldn't care less before...

But, thanks to TikTok and Instagram, I now know what to look for in a skincare product. Hey, I didn't have the time before. Now that I do, and it's giving me results, I'm so glad!

I am also into very minimal make-up routine. Again, thanks to TikTok. The natural look, clean-and-fresh, very minimal and basic...A bit of concealer, loose translucent powder, clear mascara...I think it suits me best. Or, maybe it suits my age best...? Plus points are it is so easy to remove (less products) and so quick to do! But, I still don't do make-up everyday, though. Only for special occasions...

The funny thing is, I was so reluctant to download TikTok because I thought it is for younger audience and I was afraid I would waste my time watching stupid dance videos...But when you get the algorithm right, I actually learn quite a bit...

The same thing happened before I decided to browse the Instagram. I shamelessly admit that I'm late to the game...But, I had my reason and I made a careful, informed decision...

And nobody blogs anymore! Ugh...I am ancient.. Haha...

Anyway...Some random guy who lives in the same apartment building said 'Hi' the other day. I was with my daughter and he asked me whether I was the sister or the mother...Haha...

I was surprised because that was the first time I received such a comment when I'm with my daughter. Usually, I get it when I'm out with my son who is older...So...

3 things: Genetics, wearing a mask that covers half of my face, rarely wears make-up.

Not bad for someone who'd done less than 5 facials in her entire life!

Just now, before they went to bed

Baby H: Mommy, I'm scared if you die because I will miss you (hugs me)

Me: Awww...Don't worry, Baby H. I will not leave you. Because I love you so much.

Baby H: If you die, I'm going to kill myself because I want to go to heaven with you.

Me: Awww, don't do that. I want you to live and do all the things you always want. Like, have boyfriends, get married, be a pet groomer, be a vet. I want you to be happy. I will be your angel and take care of you. And Abang K and Daddy will love you and take care of you.

Abang K: What about me?

Me: I'll be your angel, too...I'll make sure the devil won't tell you to do bad things.

Baby H: But I want to kill myself, like this! (Stabs herself)

Me: No...You will grow up and make me very proud, okay?

I hope I won't get dementia or Alzheimer's disease. Having memories is the most beautiful gift a person could have. I want to always remember all the good stuff in my life. I want to look at my grown children and remember these moments when they were kids.

I usually tell stories to my kids before bed. I've been telling them current news because I don't have to make up stuff and I think it's important for them to be updated. I've told them about COVID-19, the vaccines, Rayan who fell down the well, storm Eunice etc...

Today, I told them about the war between Russia and Ukraine. It got dark pretty fast, I just can't help myself and I didn't know how to make it lighter for them.

First, I told them we have to be prepared for World War III. They asked why, and I told them why Russia doesn't want Ukraine to be friends with the US. I don't want my kids to spend so much money, so I told them, "We have to save money in case we need to run away from the war."

I told them why it's important to have survival skills, because in a crisis, there won't be water supply or electricity. Your money might even be useless because you can't even withdraw from the bank when there's no power.

They got kinda scared, because my kids don't want to be orphans. My stupid brain said- Don't worry, it's bound to happen because Allah said kiamat is soon.

Then, they got even more upset because I told them that we are all going to die! The apocalypse is soon and after that is the judgement day.

My son really didn't want to get separated from us, so he was asking worrying questions like- How are we going to find each other!

I said, not to worry, because in heaven, we can wish for whatever and they will all come true. "That's why I keep telling you guys to be kind, to pray, baca Quran...So we can all meet in heaven." 

I left them in the dark. I hope they don't get traumatized tonight.

The real world is tough and crazy.

And please lah doa for wars to stop. 

My sweet innocent kids...

I cuma nak cakap...I rasa, kita patut approach penjagaan mak ayah kita macam kita jaga anak-anak kita.

Contohnya, kalau anak kita sakit, kita risau dan bawa pergi check dengan doctor. Kalau anak kita masuk wad, kita ambil cuti dan tak kesah berapa banyak duit kita kena keluarkan untuk bagi anak kita sihat.

Tapi, kenapa bila mak bapa kita sakit, kita seolah-olah berkira. Bila ditanya kenapa tak bawa ke hospital- takut ditahan wad, tak ada siapa nak jaga dalam wad.

Bila mak bapa sakit, kita tunggu dah betul-betul melarat baru nak pergi check.

Seolah-olah macam parents kita tu bukan priorities dalam hidup kita. If they are important, treat them like they are important.

Kenapa tak boleh bawa ke hospital swasta, kalau itu lebih selesa, tak perlu tunggu lama dan kita pun berkemampuan.

Saya paham kalau ibu bapa kita sendiri yang tak mahu ke hospital. Itu cerita lain. Tapi kebanyakannya, bukan ibu bapa yang tak nak mendapatkan rawatan. Anak-anak yang menghalang.

Kita kena ingat. Masa kita kecil, mak ayah kita yang paling risau, bersungguh-sungguh jaga kita sampai tak tidur malam. Tapi bila mak ayah kita sakit, kita tak bersungguh pun nak menyembuhkan.

Saudara suami saya, dah seminggu lebih ibunya sakit. Bila saya nasihat suruh bawa berubat, beliau masih tak bawa. Kalau dah lebih seminggu badan masih tak dapat lawan penyakit, maksudnya, penyakit tu tak boleh sembuh sendiri. Kena dapatkan rawatan.

Why are so many people lacking common sense. Tak logic nak harapkan demam, letih, sesak nafas dah nak dekat 10 hari, dapat pulih dekat rumah.

Lainlah kalau kita memang dah tahu dia ada cancer. Yang itu, saya setuju, kita turutkan sahaja kemahuan orang tua di saat-saat terakhir.

Sekiranya ibu saya sakit, InsyaAllah saya akan cuba selesakan beliau. InsyaAllah saya akan sanggup bayar berapa saja. Hidupnya bukannya lama lagi. Pelaburan yang ibu saya buat untuk sepanjang kehidupan saya, jauh lebih besar jumlahnya kalau nak bandingkan dengan harga kos rawatan. Saya berdoa supaya dalam hati tidak akan ada sikap berkira when it comes to my mother, because she deserves only the best. And I can afford it. Ada duit, gunalah untuk ibu bapa kita. Simpan banyak-banyak pun buat apa...Duit tu kalau hilang, boleh dicari balik.

Saya berdoa juga, kalau saya sakit, anak-anak saya jaga saya macam mana saya jaga mereka every time they fell sick. Sedihnya hati kalau kita tak dihargai bila kita dah tua nyanyuk.