2025 update

Ala...I dah tulis panjang panjang tadi, lepas tu hilang. Bongok punya blogger. Where is my draft!

Update:

The doctor said it might be the migraine. Hmm...I guess.

Also, somehow, I chanced upon some Ustadz from Darussyifa. Funny thing, I was actually accompanying my colleague, because she said, maybe her temper was paranormal...Yeah, she received a few complaint letters from the clients...But, ended up, Ustadz said I was the one with hantu. Hahaha...

Anyway, as per usual, this season's obsessions of mine...

1) Royel Otis.

An Australian band. So good! Geeky, but cool, my type! Plus, their covers- Linger and Murder On The Dance Floor, OMG, I am confident we have the same taste in music, because both songs are in my playlist for years!

Current favourite song: Fried Rice. Please, they mention Come On, Eileen. Also, in my playlist and in The Perks of Being A Wallflower movie! Ugh...

I'll definitely be watching them live if they ever come to Malaysia! Please come...

2) Dylan O'Brien.

Somehow, he appears in my FYP and he's so cute that I'm watching Teen Wolf, like, hahaha...I'm having a crush on him like a teenage girl, don't care...I've seen his other films, but those girls who made Teen Wolf edits on TikTok, OMG, I pun terpengaruh. Love his character, kind and geeky...Goofy...Again, my type! My boyfriendddd....

3) Logan Lerman.

Handsome laaahhh...But he's a Jew. Hopefully, not a zionist. Feel so guilty to fancy him.

Can you believe I just watched The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I liked him when he was Percy Jackson, but the movie sucked lah, so didn't have a strong impression on me masa tu...

It's funny how I refused to watch The Perks of Being A Wallflower when it first came out.

- I thought Emma Watson was too old to play a teenager (masa tu dia baru habis franchise Harry Potter)

- I thought it was a typical stupid teenage flick movie

- I got confused with the movie Flowers In The Attic, and I don't want to watch incest! (Both movies ada brother/ sister, hence the mix up. And both also based on novels!)

Anyway, I suka sangat Charlie a.k.a Logan. (Can you see the pattern of geeky, shy, kind guy...Love!) And I really love the movie, like, it's one of the Top 10 movies in MY list. I kept thinking about it for days...Can't exactly tell why I like it so much. Until...

I read somewhere that Charlie depicts an empath perfectly. Maybe that's why I am so drawn to the movie. I am an empath too...The way he feels so much pain, including others' pain. Eh, tapi suka lah. Like, the whole movie is not too much, just the right amount of everything. Nothing's over the top.

---

I harap korang pun sama-sama obsess dengan I...I miss those days when my friends and I can have a crush on the same person. Hahaha...Sekarang ni, obsess sorang-sorang je, OR I'd tell my kids: Tu lah Mommy punya current boyfriend. Anak I pun layan je lah...Hahaha...Diorang pun tau boyfriend I ni bertukar-tukar ikut musim. My husband langsung tak layan (-__-")

I had the scare of my life yesterday. I was working, talking on the phone, and a client in front of me, when suddenly, I felt like someone is tugging on the phone that I was holding. I ignored it for the first two tugs before I got annoyed, like, can't you see I'm busy talking on the phone, how rude!

I turned myself, saw nobody behind me, but the phone kept tugging, and saw my own hand! My own hand which I did not control, nor could I feel it! It freaked me out but I had to stay calm. There was a client in front of me. I switched hand quickly, and saw my left hand on my lap. On my lap, but it didn't feel like mine. After I finished talking on the phone, I put my right hand on my left hand, but still, I could not feel anything.

The closest thing I could describe it is like I dissociated from my body. Paham tak! Like, that's my hand, but I couldn't move it, I could not feel it!

It lasted for a few minutes. After my client left, I could feel and move my left hand again. I got myself checked and burst into tears because it was so scary! Am I having. A stroke? Am I dying? My BP shot up, my heart raced. But it became normal again after I calmed myself down. Bloods came back normal.

I also did a CT scan, and hopefully that is normal too.

My colleagues and friends hope everything would be normal. They think it's some nerve thing going on, which is temporary.

I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but I know what I went through. And that was totally not normal, that was something not right. It didn't feel like it's some nerve thing. What next if the scan and the bloods are normal?

I question myself. Did I hallucinate? Is this schizophrenia? Was I possessed? Is this how paralysis feel like?

I pray that if there's something wrong with me, I'd catch it early to treat it.

Woke up just now at 3.49am in tears.

Yesterday, Abang K did his puasa sunat. We woke up for sahur. I made burger for him. Half asleep, Abang K said, "Thank you, Mommy, for cooking." Aww...The sweetest. Before he went back to bed, he hugged and kissed me.

It's Friday today, the holiest day in Islam.  Before bedtime, I remember scolding my kids for staying up late, watching the tablets for too long, coming back home too late...I had so many chores to do. Then, we slept.

I prayed one hour earlier, including Tahajjud. I fell back to sleep but only an hour. I had the weirdest dream:

My son is in a boarding school. I'm visiting him with my daughter. It's a fancy school, my son shares a room with a girl and they have TVs in their room. I guess, it's co-ed because they are only 10, soon 11.

My son is alone and happy to see me. We talk until I see the injury on his left arm. They are scabs and some skin falls off. Typical of son, he's so nonchalant about it. What happened, I ask? Teacher rotan.

There's a rush all over my body. "Jom, ikut Mommy balik. Nak tukar sekolah? Tak payah duduk asrama lagi," I play it cool. My son is happy to hear this. "Jom, kemas barang," I say.

I enter his fancy room. I quickly put whatever I can get in plastic bags, holding in my tears. When my son isn't looking, I cry. Guilty, I wonder- How long has this been going on? Why my son has never told me anything before? Why did I put him in a boarding school! Who is the unreasonable adult teacher? I should've protected my own son!

My son sees me crying softly, and he doesn't know why. He probably thinks he deserves the punishment. "Siapa buat? Kenapa teacher rotan? Sakit tak?" Teacher Farah. Then he shows me the marks that are on his body too. My face is hot seeing it.

As we are packing, a group of students return from their classes. They are shouting to Abang K to get ready for their evening routine, probably riadah then Maghrib prayer. I see male teachers among them. "Ustadz!" I yell as loud as I can. There's rage in me.

"Siapa buat anak saya? Saya bukan bayar murah. Kenapa buat anak saya!" Two ustadz and a female teacher look at each other. They are trying to stall. Their faces are sorry but they are holding back. Behind them, out came a short, chubby female teacher. "Ya, Puan, saya cikgu Abang K. Puan kena banyak bersabar," she says, collected and confident. The other female teacher signals to me that it is her.

I just can't..."Kenapa buat anak saya! Saya nak report polis. Saya nak saman!" I am going to get justice. She's going to jail. I am going to make sure she pays for this.

"Report lah. Samanlah," she provokes me. Now, people are holding our bodies so we couldn't get physical. I whip out my phone and start recording. Apparently, she had a history of stalking her ex before this. My case against her strong and I am going to win.

This psycho does care and begins to pose for pictures. I hate her so much, "Tak payah nak senyum-senyum nak cover muka buruk asal kau. Kau tu, muka buruk, hati buruk, otak pun ugly!". There's no sabar left in me, and I kick her with my left leg.

At 3.49 am, I really kicked in my sleep. I woke up and traumatized because it felt so real. I cried and cried. Kesian sangat my anak kena buli dengan cikgu. Padahal, Abang K tu baik sangat! Nakal, ye, tapi rotan sampai macam tu!

What does this dream mean? It's bothering me.

My son is fine. Teacher Farah is his English teacher and English is my son's favourite subject. The teacher in the dream looked like a mix of current Fathiya Latiff and my boss.

What does it mean?

Sometimes, I miss my old hectic life. I miss the fact that I was so busy that I didn't even have time for trivial stuff. I can only concentrate on what's important to me, and that means getting my priorities straight. I miss when I only had FB, very rarely used used IG. I miss it when a lot of people were strangers to me. I didn't know any influencers or famous people. I didn't know what was trending. I was way too cool...

But, I don't miss that I was becoming more and more distant spiritually. I prayed, and Allah answered my prayers, Alhamdulillah. But, now I am becoming more aware of what's going on in this world. It's evil, corrupted and ugly, it's making me sad.

Anyway, I had a conversation with my friends. Basically, my friend Lila found out that her cousin who she grew up with had cancer, and she didn't have the heart to tell her. My other friend, Farid, agreed, and he said it's best to let the surgeon break the bad news to her cousin instead.

So, I guess, there are two types of people:

1) Type me.

I would rather receive the news early. I would rather my close friends/ family tell me first before someone else. I would be devastated and feel betrayed, if I found out that you knew, but didn't tell me, even if you think it's for my own sake. I don't expect you to tell me in details, but only the truths. Because I prefer you to be direct to me.

If I had cancer? Tell me. If you see my husband is with some other woman? Tell me. If I woke up from a coma and my house burnt down and I lost a leg? Tell me. Tell me, but not eventually. Tell me before I found out from someone else who I don't even know.

Just tell me, and hold my hands. I don't need your solution. Maybe, I don't even need your opinion. I just need your presence so I can feel comfortable to cry and let my guard down. Then, maybe, prepare myself when I receive the news from the doctor himself.

Of course, the decision to disclose a news depends on the receiver. I mean, if you are close to someone, you would know how that someone can handle bad news. Maybe that someone belongs to type two.

2) The type which is opposite of me.

What do you think? What type are you? Or, what would you do? Would you tell or let someone else break the bad news to your friends/ family?

Me, doing my weekly chores, pressing my husband's work clothes, when my husband came into the room after being out for the whole day, which annoyed me..."You ni, satu hari keluar!"

I did not shout, but, yes, I raised my voice. Son hurriedly went into the room to check on me, "Kenapa Mommy? Mommy marah ke? Kenapa?" Bless his little soul ❤️

"Daddy tu!" I told him as I rolled my eyes.

Then, my son went close to me, "Oohh...Mommy sabar, okay? Kena sabar...Don't worry, Mommy, because I'm gonna love you and I will give you happiness!" My son wanted a hug, but I told him to be careful as I was still holding the hot iron.

He said that. And I'm going to remember that moment.

Manalah dia belajar...Thank you, Allah for this beautiful creature. Memang Mommy pun akan sentiasa doa yang baik-baik sahaja untuk Abang K dan Baby H.

-----

My kids finished school early while husband was outstation, so I decided to bring them to my workplace to pass the time until 5pm. Found out my son had homework, but he didn't bring it home because "The due date is 5 days away..."

I'm always serious when it comes to schoolwork. Before I exploded, my son quickly dropped the thing he was doing (playing the computer) and gave his full attention to me (or...to make sure he didn't screw things up further).

One of my staff witnessed this.

Today, my staff asked me, "Miss Ectopy, macam mana nak buat anak jadi taat macam Abang K?"

Wow, big word. Taat. Entah-entah fear kot, sebab Mak garang sangat. Hahaha...

Alhamdulillah untuk anak yang taat.

I don't have the answer yet to that question.

If I were to live until 80, I am now actually very close to the midpoint of my life, guys! But, what if I die when I am 50...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it has taken me so long to come to terms with my life and myself. The major one is something that I just realized recently, I am now okay with how my face is. Gasp! I used to wish I was prettier, maybe I wished for a nicer nose, my pictures didn't look too good, I wished my skin looked as it was with the filters on...

Guess I want to applaud this new generation of Tik Tok users who are not afraid to show themselves on camera. They don't care! And they definitely slay...I mean, now, I appreciate beauty in non-conventional faces. It's funny how we avoided cameras before, but these young boys and girls...They are raw, they show whatever they like, they say whatever they want to say...Thanks to you guys, I am not as bad as I thought I was! Finally, I feel pretty too...Can't believe it took me this long to say: I am pretty, instead of I am average looking. I didn't even realize I had this physical inferiority complex in me...Until I used the inverted filter on Tik Tok and didn't despise at myself.

If you are 20 or 30 and you feel like you still haven't settled down, or you haven't figured things out...It's okay, totally! Because, I baru je reach contentment in my life and look how old I am...I am okay with myself. In fact, I am grateful. Not perfect, but am content. At this age, I realize contentment is better than perfection, just as peacefulness is better than happiness...

Since my last post about Edward Norton, I have been watching his movies. He is my man of the season currently. Hahaha...

As I rewatched Fighter Club, I found out that I prefer Ed than Brid (Pitt) now. Young Miss Ectopy would drool over Brad Pitt, but not current Ectopy. Ed is cool, not very good looking but he is smart. No major controversies, carefully curates which characters he wants to play, appears smart, responsible and well-spoken. I don't even mind that he's old now! Hahaha!

Just like being okay with being alone now...Solo meals, solo shopping, solo movie, solo travelling...When 20 years back, I was always surrounded by friends. Always had to have something planned for the weekends. Now, I don't mind staying home...The ultimate contentment! When you truly believe Allah is always there for you...

It's funny when you thought you know yourself, but, even at this age, you continually evolve and progress, and you keep learning new things about yourself. It's amazing because it makes us human, because we grow out of or into something. We are not stagnant creatures...

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Sometimes, it frustrates me, for example

Situation: When I crave for good food

Solution: I order expecting something to satisfy my crave, after carefully selecting the menu

How I order food: I need to justify the price (everything is so expensive nowadays) VS the ingredients (because I want something healthy and match the price, not paying RM40 for salad!) VS the portion (I don't want a big portion because I want to eat other kinds of food too without overeating)

And after all that...The taste is meh...I am not satisfied but I can't order something else because I can't waste my food...It's annoying.

I wish restaurants would sell mini-sized food that's not very expensive. Let me devour your food without guilt...So I can order a starter, a main and a dessert, instead of choosing just one.

Like, donut. You sell all this yummy-looking donuts, and how do I choose only one flavour for myself! It's ridiculous. Buy normal-sized donuts in 6 different flavours instead? You are killing me...

It's either killing myself with diabetes or get more friends that can share food with me...The first option is easier and faster.

What a rant...At almost 5 in the morning...😅

Just watched The Painted Veil and it's probably one of my favourite movies.

I usually don't like love stories about infidelity but I give this one an exception. I wish the romance parts were longer, I really want to see how the husband falls back in love with his wife.

Ending dia sedih lah, penat nangis.

I love Walter. He is kind and intelligent. Haishhh...Tak hensem pun tak apa.

If I had to advice anyone about love, I would always say to choose the kind one. I simply don't understand why anyone would put other qualities on top of it. I remember whenever my friends asked for my advice, I would tell them- He's so kind!, but they always argued back- "But, he's younger than me," or "But, he only drives a Wira," or "But, he's ugly!"

Kindness and intelligence. I just can't stand a man who can't use his brain. Suck ick.

But, I guess, we have different preferences. That's life. What's your number one quality you look for in a partner?

Primary 4: Mommy, Ustadz cakap, boys will mimpi flying flying, lepas tu, ada white stuff dekat kaki. White stuff tu apa?

Me: ??? Apa dia?

Primary 4: (Repeats)

Me: Are you talking about puberty?

Primary 4: No! Ustadz kata, kalau ada white stuff tu, kena pergi mandi!

Me: Yeap! That's semen.

Primary 4: Apa tu?

Me: Ada white stuff coming out from your bebird. It happens when you have sexy dreams. It's a sign of puberty. When you are a teenager.

Primary 4: What! Euw! Girl pun ada ke? Mommy ada ke macam tu?

Me: Mommy tak ada bebird. Girls reach puberty when they get their periods. I have period.

Primary 4: Betulke Mommy?

Me: Betullah! Your Ustadz did a bad job of explaining it to you! Now, you understand?

Primary 4: Ustadz kata mimpi flying flying...

Hahaha...WTF is mimpi flying flying. My kid was totally imagining himself flying in the sky or in the aeroplane!

---

Anyway, Muse best gila nak mampus woiiii!!!

Best ways to lose weight

1) Go to a concert where the food is overpriced- auto calories restriction.

2) Go to a concert that plays your favourite songs, fast paced.

3) Dance and jump without feeling tired coz you are having fun.

Within hours, you're gonna get a sore body. Hahaha...Worth it!

Kids been away from me for multiple days for multiple of times. Since young. Either due to the nature of my work, or, when they balik kampung.

Never a problem.

Sent my son for him first 'camp'; a schooltrip where he had to spend one night in a dorm. He came back well. He didn't love it, but it was okay, he said, because they got to do some jungle trekking and swimming in the river.

I lied to them that I need to go somewhere for work. I'm watching Muse tonight, but won't be bringing them because I need to catch an early morning flight back for a meeting. It's been a while since I last leave my kids for 'work', so my son is suddenly not used to the idea.

Yesterday, he kept hugging me and saying that he would miss me. Before bed last night, I told him- what he feels is what I felt when he went for his schooltrip. Not really, I was really fine, but I needed to validate his feelings, you see...

Then, he admitted- I cried before I slept (at the camp) because you were not there!

This was new information!

Me: But you told me you tidur mati that time.

Him: I cried first, then I tidur mati! I only had 6 hours of sleep...(They woke up early the next day for Qiyamulail)

Me: Awww...Why you didn't tell me...

Him: Tak apalah...

Drama betul lah anak I ni. Seriously, kalau I tinggalkan balik kampung duduk dengan his gandma and cousins for 1 week, okay je pulak...Main 24/7, siap sedih lagi when it's time to go home.

How would he feel when he finds out that actually, I'm going to a concert...Hehehe...

1. Managed to secure the Coldplay concert tickets, but annoyed at how many days they are performing in Singapore. From 4 days, to 5 days to 6 days...WTH! Betul ke fans diorang ramai ni, yg sanggup spend that much of money, or we, Asians just love to over glorify them white, we are obviously still mentally colonized! Guys! Ugh, I'm disgusted at myself...Such ick now...

They better give 100% at each show. I'm not so very excited now...The hotel rates gonna shoot up...

Well, I hope the foreign people going to Singapore would come and boost the Malaysian economy as well. Tolonglah jejak kaki to Malaysia, explore the other side...

2. You know how I have a different crush every few months? Hehe...Been obsessing with this guy for like, a month, now. Handsome lah budak niii...Can't say his name because he's too young, hahaha...Sedar diri I dah tua...

Anyway, I hope he shows a side of him that would turn me off, soon. Because, seriously, penat tau jadi peminat ni...

3. My son ni kan, kadang-kadang betul-betul mencabar kesabaran I. But I know, he has a soft spot for me. Apa-apa pun, mesti Mommy. Unlike my daughter, who claims she has multiple boyfriends- this, she gets from me, hahaha...My son, on the other hand, hates girls...He even says he doesn't want to get married ever, he just wants to take care of me.

For our anniversary, my husband gave me a bouquet of flowers. Imagine my shock when suddenly, my son said he wanted to give those flowers to his girlfriend. Who is your girlfriend? I immediately asked. "You. You are my girlfriend." Awww...Nasib baik. I ingatkan dia dah berubah fikiran.

Tapi tu lah. Sebab my son ni Mommy's boy sangat, I kena berjaga-jaga what's coming out from my mouth when I get angry. Kalau silap cakap, I know I will hurt him deeply, because he really listens and looks up to me. Tapi tu lah kan, bila dah marah, usually pasal his schoolwork, eee...geram sangat. I ni memang nerd lah, kalau pasal schoolwork, I memang cepat betul triggered.

I kena paham, anak I ni late bloomer sikit.

I doakan anak-anak I berjaya dunia akhirat, because they truly deserve the success. Anak-anak yang sangat baik dan memuliakan I sebagai ibu.

I bukan lah nak perasan ke apa, but I am happy with the progress that I've made so far. I feel like Allah really listens to my pleas and has guided me, I feel so blessed. I finally feel like He really loves me and wants me to be in heaven with Him.

Before this, I had always feel like I didn't deserve anything from Him. I was aware that my life was not bad at all, but I thought He was just ignoring me. Last Ramadhan, I realized He had tested me with the hardest challenge of all! How stupid was I...

I pray that this momentum continues. Iman goes up and down, and I hope I will never stray too far from Him ever again.

Just a reminder to all of us. No matter how insignificant and sinful we think we are, just keep on doa. Doa, doa, doa because Allah loves those who make doa to Him. Doa as much as you can, doa for anything even though it is so silly, just doa. Remember, Allah tu Maha Baik, He will forgive all of our sins, InsyaAllah.

And, if your doa is not granted here, it will be granted in paradise. Allah is so perfect, He never breaks His promises.

Lost the Coldplay battle and quite annoyed because I think those who somehow able to purchase are not actual fans. Haha. Like, you tak tau pun lagu diorang, you tak beli pun album diorang, you tak tahu pun history diorang...

Got my hope high because

- Ramai orang comment tak cukup duit sebab baru raya

- Coldplay ni Millennials punya zaman

- Tickets are quite pricey. Kids can't afford them, right?

- Wednesday night concert. Budak-budak pergi sekolah

Tapi...

Sad lah jugak...But not too sad because I didn't actually use a lot of laptops/ PCs, as I was working yesterday and today...So, tak focus sangat. I attended meetings in between, entertaining clients etc, as usual. Siap pergi beraya...

And maybe, bukan rezeki I kot...Mana tau, tiba tiba menang contest pula lepas ni? Hahaha...

It's okay, mana tau kalau tiba tiba ada second day concert. But, so hard, cause Malaysia panassss...Pengsan Mat Salleh tu nanti.

Tu je lah. There must be a better plan for me. Kena pergi holiday overseas time tu, to mend this broken heart...

Hish. I dah siap hype my kids dah pasal Mommy nak jumpa boyfriend. Sigh. My son hugged me after I told him that I didn't get the tickets. Kids are always so very supportive of me. Diorang layan je Mommy...Husband prefers Metallica, so, he really doesn't care.

My daughter realized that she can now read better.

I applauded for her achievement.

Me: Awww...Baby H! Well done, you can read faster now!

Baby H: *Proudly smiles* Why am I better now?

Me: Because you practice every day! You use DuoABC and you go to school...

Baby H: Bukanlah, Mommy...It's because you doa for me. You pray every day kan...

And that's a lesson from my kid. Alhamdulillah.

We went to visit my aunt and was served with pegaga drink. It was green as the grass. My daughter didn't mind it but my son was like, "Ew, what's this? Tak sedap!" I told him it's a type of detox drink.

He repeated himself, "Tak sedap, Mommy!" I gave him the eye to shut him up. Unfortunately, my cousin saw our body language and chuckled.

Just now, after dinner, I approached my son in his room.

Me: Abang K, can I tell you something?

Son: Apa?

Me: If you eat something, but it's tak sedap, just don't say anything. Diam je.

Son: Oh, I knew that.

Me: ....You knew? Then, why did you complaint?

Son: Mana ada!

Me: Remember when you said the green drink tak sedap?

Son: Oh. But you told me not to lie! So, I told you the truth! Mommy ni! 🤨

Me: Just...If you don't like it, don't say anything.

Then he ran out of the room to continue playing his mobile games.

P/s:

Do not serve detox drink to kids.

Was excited to watch Big Fish because

1) I think Ewan McGregor is cute and I'm a fan since Moulin Rouge, love his blue eyes...

2) Great review and I had never watched it before

Decided to Google Ewan McGregor and found out he was in a messy divorce. Like, what...Such a turn off...

Separation and falling out of love might be inevitable. Especially among the celebrities...But you don't have to make it messy...

That information made such a big impact, that I don't find him desirable anymore! Hahaha...See, I don't like people just because of the way they look! I watched Big Fish and suddenly, he is not as attractive as before, and I was not as excited to see him on screen as I did.

Suddenly, I didn't enjoy the movie even though I know the movie is my kind of film.

Awww...What a shame. Tua dah si Ewan ni...

Today, I want to document the failure and success of me as a mom.

I sent my son a normal kindergarten school. Bukan Islamic punya. Because I knew later in his life, he won't be having many friends outside of his race, logistically speaking. And I thought, it was good to expose him to interact with Chinese speakers. He had tuition for Iqra' 3 times a week in the afternoon.

And then, we enrolled him to a private sekolah agama integrasi. Great, right. Here, he can learn to hafal and understand Al-Fatihah, learn how to solat...I remember I learned how to solat when I was about 9 years old, and I'm fine.

This year, I caught him still tak hafal doa Tahiyatul Awal and Akhir. 🥴

I hardly can believe this. I mean, sometimes he came home telling me that he became the imam for his class. And...Sekolah agama for 3 freaking years!

This came about because I started to tell him to complete his solat at home. Previously, he only solat in school and on and off at home. He followed us solat, so I always thought he knew.

So, now that I've become a little bit stricter about solat, I am always reminding him to correct his solat. Like, stand properly, sit correctly, do your ruku' straight, say your words clearly, don't just baca dalam hati!

And when I wanted to test his bacaan, then I realized he tak hafal lagi! He dah hafal sekarang, Alhamdulillah.

Just now, before sleep, I advised him- Abang K, you kena solat betul betul. Jangan skip solat. After you died, the first thing Allah will ask you, is about your solat. Don't be like me. I used to skip my solat and I'm in so much debt now. I want to go to heaven and I want you to be in heaven. If you solat, you will become successful.

"Aren't you successful, Mommy?"

"I'll be a lot more successful if I didn't skip solat."

I continued to advise him- Remember to berdiri tegak. Jangan gerak-gerak. Kalau solat jemaah, even though Imam baca Al-Fatihah, you still have to recite your fatihah. Kena baca until you hear yourself. I'm telling you this because I didn't know when I was small. Don't make the same mistakes like I did.

"Oh, I hear myself in my heart."

"No! You recite until you hear yourself in the ears!"

"Oh. Mommy, why I tak pandai solat? Sekarang baru pandai?"

So, I explained- Maybe, sebab you were not in Tadika Agama. And, during MCO, you didn't go to school, belajar online je. Teachers thought you knew, and teachers thought you solat at home, but you didn't. But it's okay, now you know.

"Okay, Mommy. Can you baca doa pandai for me?"

So, I recited to him the first 4 ayats of Surah Ar-Rahman.

I'm such a bad mom, kan?

Anak staff I, baru 4 tahun, tapi dah hafal doa Tahiyat.

I balik Malaysia because I didn't know how to raise a family there. I bukan alim sangat, entah-entah lagi hanyut. I didn't even have the courage to start covering overseas. It would be awkward if suddenly one day I walk in with a tudung, right? Nak bangun ambil wudhu masa winter for Subuh prayer pun dah cukup struggle. Banyak pahala diorang. So much respect for Muslims there, pahala jihad hari-hari. It's easier in Malaysia. Tapi itu pun I didn't make sure my son know his basic. I'm a bad mom.

But, it's okay. I am counting my blessings. Alhamdulillah dapat anak yang mendengar kata. Lepas ni, kena start ajar solat Subuh pulak. Kena hafal doa qunut pula. Doa Iftitah pun anak I tak hafal lagi. Tapi tak apa kan, slowly but surely.

Mungkin ini cara Allah nak bagi pahala pada I. Anak I belajar bacaan solat dari ibunya sendiri. 😥 Oh, my heart, sebaklah pulak...Oh, Allah, please forgive us and Alhamdulillah for this opportunity.

I feel like I post more about my daughter on IG. But, that's okay, because now, I feel like I write more about my son on the blog.

My son ni special. Memang selalu nampak garang, kasar, cakap pun jerit jerit. Tapi softie inside. I notice whenever I ask him to do something, no matter how he much he does not like it, he always says okay. Obedient. Unlike his sister, often playfully says no.

I was unwell yesterday. On my menses, feeling yucky about myself, achy all over because of the vaccine...But I needed to do laundry. My son immediately stopped playing on his laptop, and helped me carry the laundry. Like, how sweet is that, I did not even ask. I said thank you and kissed him on the head and of course, told him that he was a good boy.

I feel so blessed. Both of kids are good kids. I don't even remember being this well-behaved when I was young. I remember my mom was often annoyed by me, though.

Today, I was all depressed and my son stayed by side trying to make me feel better. My daughter did too, they were both hugging me and rubbed my back. I guess because my son is slightly older, he understands me more. My children are really caring and takes care of me.

I am so grateful that sometimes, I don't feel I deserve them. 

I've just started to teach my son not to miss his prayers. I know, late, but he's going to be 10 this year, it's okay, we go slow and steady...So far, solat semua except for Subuh. Tak apalah, we'll try for 3-6 months, then we'll start Subuh pulak. That's the plan...

Initially, we solat together. But, then, he began to become impatient. He's saying that I'm too slow...Tak apalah, yang penting not to miss solat. Perfection, sincerity, khusyu' dan hidayah tu kita slow...Budak kan...Berdiri tegak pun masih tak reti duduk diam.

Anyway, I couldn't pray because I'm menstruating. So, I told him, I have my period, please solat without me. He knew about girls bleed from their vaginas from his teenager cousins...

Today, he asked:

- Macam mana Mommy tau Mommy period?

Well, I saw blood on my undies.

- Sakit ke Mommy?

Some girls get pain, but I don't.

- Semua girls period ke hari ni?

Eh, tak lah. We get period every month on random days.

- Kenapa boys tak period?

Sebab boys don't give birth. If you get your period, it means you are not pregnant. But, if you don't get your period, it means a baby is growing in your womb.

- Oh, you are bleeding because the baby is killed? The baby died, that's why blood coming out!

Hhmm...Sorta. Now, go to sleep. Good night.

I acknowledge that my son is not a Maths whiz. Which makes me a bit frustrated because I used to love Maths, and I always find it to be the easiest subject. I mean, once you know it, you know. Just throw whatever numbers, use the correct formulas, and done, instant results!

That's why I am a little bit hard on him. I could not understand why he doesn't count as fast as when I was his age. Primary Maths are just patterns. I get pretty annoyed because he could not recognize the patterns unless I really show him.

One day, his teacher told me he was falling behind. He didn't do his homework for months. I was furious. After much interrogation, I found out he stopped understanding the subject after he missed one week of school due to COVID-19 infection.

I was disappointed in myself, my son, and his teacher. I mean, he goes to a private school with only 20 students in his class. Why can't his teacher make sure he understand! Ugh, so annoying.

And began the episodes of me drilling him, making sure he understands all the topics. There were many episodes of crying, me losing my temper and saying inappropriate things to my son, hurting his feelings along the way. And that's why I'm upset when I had to be his teacher. I have no patience. When I'm in my teacher mode, I become a perfectionist. No mistakes are allowed. Nothing is ever good enough. Even when he gets all correct, I would still not be satisfied with his timing for answering the questions.

At one point, my son thought I didn't love him and thought he was stupid. He cried and I embraced him. I apologized and told him to yell the safe word if he thinks I've gone too far. Then, I told him that Mommy wasn't mad at him, 'teacher Mommy' did. So...

When I taught him, he began to understand and find Maths to be easier that he thought. I was like- Didn't your teacher teach you like this? Didn't your teacher show you like this?

He would tell me- No. Teacher ajar susah! Mommy ajar senang!

Seriously...

He sat for his Maths exam and today, his teacher announced the result.

He was super happy that he got 72%. I was like..."Hhmm...That's a B."

"But I passed, Mommy! Only 3 boys passed!" He said so proudly.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that that's not good enough. Everybody should get an A for Primary Maths because it's gonna get harder.

Anyway, I let him have his moment. I mean, he was over the moon. Like, wow, what an achievement for him, it's cute.

Before bed, as usual, we talk, just the two of us.

Apparently, 9 boys failed. The lowest was 11%. He is the sixth highest in class. The highest 3 are all girls, highest being 89%, nobody got A+. All girls passed except one.

The boys even created a Failed Corner- you can only enter if you failed.

Seriously, what school is thissss...What is wrong with his teacher! I hope he gets a different Maths teacher when he enters Standard 4!

Hahaha...Nak tergelak pun ada. Like, oh, my dear son, I wonder how you'd feel in a public school, where you have to compete with 40 students, or 300 students in your batch.

Seeing his excitement today, I am happy for him. Maybe I need to learn to lower my expectation. I just need to accept that my son is not a Maths whiz, he's a Geography whiz. His General Knowledge far exceeds mine when I was his age.

I hope he knows that I'm proud of him nevertheless. Bless his innocent soul- 72% is excellent...Hahaha...In the real world, 72% is only average, who's gonna tell him...