I am happy and extremely grateful that my life is becoming more and more stable, less unpredictable. Although, it is boring, but I like that I can provide some sort of routine to my children. I read that kids like routine.

True. Because I remember, when I was little, my routine was going to school, then sekolah agama/ mengaji, a visit to the playground, watched TV before I went to bed. I remember how Mother always prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner and I never really did skip a meal but I was tiny.
Anyway, I didn't feel the burden even though Mother said my life was busy.

Kids are resilient. They cope.

So, for now, the only routine I've managed so far is making them eat dinner by themselves with minimal help from me, quick shower, brush their teeth and go to bed by 9.30pm. Recite some ayat hafazan before bed (I doubt this helps, but at least I am trying)

And I already feel accomplished. Haha!

I still give them screen time, guilty.
After this, I am trying to include mengaji, piano practice and a little bit of Maths.

I wish I could include outdoor activities in the routine but we now live in an apartment and there's no park within walking distance. The apartment playground is a pity.

I am tired, maybe because I am old, but I feel like I am settling down. It's so sad that I've lost so much time already. My eldest is 7 and will only be around for another 10 years, or less if he ends up in a boarding.

Oh, my God, this is not the ending I am expecting. I am gonna be alone... :(

1. Last week, I watched this Malay drama, and the dialogue went something like this

Girl A: Eh, apesal kau muntah-muntah ni? Kau tipu aku eh? Kau kata kau tak minum. Tapi ni muntah-muntah ni...

Girl B: Aku tak minum lah...Kan aku cakap, aku tak minum.

Girl A: Habis tu, kalau kau tak minum, kenapa kau macam ni? Entah- entah...Kau pregnant! Bila kau period?

2. I was quite shocked. And I am glad that my kids didn't really listen to what was said.

First of all, since when drinking alcohol has become a norm in our community? Because it was casually mentioned on TV, so I guess, it is more common than I expected?

And I remember in those days, we usually associate those who drink with the antagonists, the bad guys...(Not talking about P. Ramlee those days here)

3. Okay, so I am not that naive, I am fully aware of people drinking and sleeping around, but to popularize the behaviour on TV? Especially during these days, when we can see more school kids wearing tudung to school.
When I was small, I could count with one hand who went to school in tudung.

4. While I was giving the show critiques, I too, had an internal debate within myself.

Me vs my defence.

: Eleh, tak payah nak hipokrit, memang ramai macam tu sekarang. You pun bukan baik sangat dulu.

Defence: Okay, tapi takde lah sampai buat benda haram. Minum minum and sleeping around. And if some of us did, we did them in discrete.

: So, whatever you did before is not haram?
Not wearing tudung is not haram?
Go clubbing is not haram?
Going over the boys' house is not haram?
Inviting boys to your place is not haram?
Having a boyfriend and going on dates is not haram?
Holding hands is not haram?
Sleeping together is not haram?

Defence: We all slept in one room because we were students and it was expensive. We were only friends.

: Still...

Defence: Plus, we were overseas. We would never stay in one room if we were in Malaysia.

: Sebab takut kena raid...What if your kids did the same thing?

Defence: I would be concerned, but if they don't go overboard like I did back then, I guess it should be okay...

: (Questions own parenting skills) Hhmm...But you are judging other people...In the end, you sama je dengan orang lain. Let's face the reality.

5. I have a colleague who is known to be a player. He'll try to hit on any women, I tell ya!

So, one day, we saw him in a bazaar Ramadhan with this newbie, whom we thought was oblivious of his true colours.

My friend, S, was overly concerned and felt the need to warn this newbie.

I said, just stay out of it, because they might just go out because, you know, buka puasa, biasalah bawa your juniors explore sikit...

"Maybe, that girl dah ada boyfriend kot...Or tunang, mana tau!" Said I.

"Ectopy, kalau you dah ade boyfriend ke, tunang ke, you keluar ke dengan lelaki lain?" My friend asked.

That was the moment I realized, that my friend S was a goody two shoes.

If only she knew what my actual answers would be:
Yes, S, I would still go out with other men, especially if I consider that guy is nothing more than a boss/ colleague/ friend. Going to a Bazaar Ramadhan is not dating. I go out with my co-workers all the time.

Don't you guys do this too?

Adakah cerita ini berkaitan?
Ya, berkaitan.

Kenapa I ni bukannya baik sangat, tapi i tak dapat terima drama-drama yang openly cakap pasal minum minum ni semua?

Am I that sensitive Malay?

One of the things that I'm grateful of in my life is- I am married to a wonderful man.

He is not perfect, of course, but since the mood is here now, so I will write about all the nice things he had done for us, which obviously outweighed the numbers of times he had annoyed me.

I rarely talked about how nice he is, just because I want to avoid riak, but since I am anonymous, so why not. Haha...Does this count?
Anyway, pelik betul I ni, such a loser nak riak on behalf of suami pulak. Like, what the hell, my husband can leave me anytime! But, I guess, it's the same concept as being proud of your children, kot...

Okay, back to the main topic, the things my husband recently did that deserve the Sweetest, Most Amazing and Wonderful Husband award:

1) He's a good father who plays often with my kids.

I wonder if my dad was like that to me. I guess he was, but slowly becoming more strict as we get older. I still have hazy memories of me carrying me and him bringing me and my sister out, just the three of us.

I hope my husband continue to be loving to us and my kids will always remember how my husband treats them bagai menatang minyak yang penuh.

One of the reasons why my husband is so extra is because he is an adopted child and he always feel unloved by his biological parents. And I hope my son remembers when my husband told him, "Bila daddy dah tua nanti, Abang K pula bawa daddy naik kereta pergi masjid, okay..."

Oh, my heart was so full when he said that.

And tonight, I saw him getting out of bed, just to kiss my daughter in her sleep and admire her.
What a sweet sight... =)

Oh, and I think I had mentioned before, how he always bathed/ washed the kids and changed their diapers when he had the chance (because we were in a long distance relationship). So, whenever my husband was around, I got to do nothing. Hehehe.
In fact, he still does this.

2) Nowadays, my husband sends me to work and fetches me home. I live nearby, it's possible to walk.

Every day, when he fetches me from work, he would be rushing to catch the Jemaah prayer at the mosque. And it makes me feel bad like I'm the reason he has to drive so recklessly. He will be in a bad mood if he's late to the solat berjemaah.

So, last week, with good intentions, I told him that he didn't need to fetch me, I would walk home, besides it will be good for my fitness level.

But I guess he thought I merajuk and he didn't allow me to walk. Aiyo.
But it was sweet nonetheless.

3) His birthday is coming up and he arranged something for his celebration!
Am I a bad wife or what...Sigh...

He asked me to choose the menu. I was quite excited because the menu sounds delicious. So I asked, which restaurant is this?

And he said, "Surprise lah." What is this! It's his birthday, but he wants to surprise me instead?

Then he told me how exclusive the restaurant is, because the chef only takes orders by appointments, no walk-ins.

Wow, I am already impressed. Never been to such settings before. I always wanted to go the ones in KL, but I have nobody to go with me.

So, now, I am excited to go to this restaurant and I hope it will meet my expectations!

----

Okay, so that's three recent amazing acts by my husband. Again, I would like to remind you guys, he is not perfect.

Whenever I see him being so kind, I still remember this is why I chose him.

Kindness is important. It will always be my number 1 in my book. Kindness over intelligence and wealth. Over everything.

Daughter is going to be 4 this year and she loves her stroller. Like, she loves her stroller like it is one of her dolls/ toys, have you ever seen a kid loving her stroller like that?
She talks to her stroller.

One time, the car was too full, so we had to put the stroller on the passenger seat next to her, and she got really excited. She kissed her stroller like, three times. She sat and hugged her stoller every now and then during the journey.

So weird.

Sometimes, when we leave the house without the stroller, she would pat on the stroller, saying goodbye to it. Kisses again. When asked, she would confess her love for it, "Sayangggg stroller!"

She's also quite protective of it. Like, her brother cannot do anything funny with it, or she'll get mad. When they were little, she didn't even allow my son to sit in it. No sharing. (My son had his own stroller that we used so much too)

She's so big now, but she still requests to sit in her stroller when we go to the malls. And she naps in it really well, for hours...Sometimes if I see her too tired, I just leave her sleeping in the stroller inside of our house.

Yeah, so that's the story of my daughter and her stroller. I don't use baby carriers, I am the the stroller momma.
Probably one of the best investments ever! We use it so much...

Son will be 7 this year, daughter will be 4.

They are so different.

Child A
- likes pizza, meatballs
- more athletic. Able to balance on his 2-wheel bike at 2 years old, able to ice skate after onky second visit
- merajuk style: scream loudly, cry, throw tantrum
- pujuk style: let cool down by ownself, then you can talk
- still likes poo talk, butt talk etc
- asks for sweater after having ice water in shopping malls
- prefers berries and sour candies
- likes screentime. Wouldn't mind not buying if there's nothing to like
- sensituve skin. Hated brushing teeth. Was such a trouble beforeeee
- garang
- sensitive when watching movies/ dramas. Semalam tengok cerita Sir Alvin dekat TV3 pun boleh nangis

Child B
- asks for nasi for every single meal!
- still scared to learn riding the bike and just stood frozen on the ice
- merajuk style: isolate self and refuse eye contact and talking
- pujuk style: lots of compliments and hugs
- mature for age
- complains about the heat, only covers self when outside of the house. Otherwise, wearing underwears only
- sweettooth. Prefers chocolate flavour
- likes shopping. Asks for expensive toys
- likes showering and brushing teeth
- pleasant
- still doesn't understand storylines

----

Kids say the darnest things

My son was watching Boboiboy.
Fighting scene, dialogue: Kau ajar dia!!!
Laughed unexpectantly.
Me: Kenapa ketawa?
Son: Orang tengah lawan, nak suruh ajar pulak! *Laughs*
Me: Oh, 'ajar dia' tu maksudnye, kena fight dengan enemy!
Then me answering many questions why they are like that!
Well, 'kurang ajar' means rude, so...




Husband told kids there are ghosts on 7th floor.
Waited for lift. Lift opened. Nobody was inside. But 4th floor button was red.

Me: Oh, my God. Ada hantu ke dalam lif ni?
Son: Mana ada!
Me: Habis tu, siapa tekan 4th floor...
Son: *Hides behind me, frightened*
Daughter: Mana ada hantu! Orang yang tekanlah!

So , yeah, daughter is more realistic here.

Hello...I am in a new working place. I asked for transfer mainly because I couldn't stand my old workplace, it was too toxic for my mental health.

This new environment is waaaayyyy less busy than my previous workplace, it's almost toooo boring for me, as someone who is so used in a fast pace, highly demanding job.

But, it's okay. The benefits far outweigh the cons. We just need to settle down as a family so I can become more domisticated, ehem.

Anyway,
I have an embarassing story to tell.

I caught someone redhanded talking bad about me, behind my back- literally/ figuratively!

So, I was at my desk, so he didn't realize I was there, as I was facing the PC. Yes, it's a guy yang membawang! And this happened on my second day of working here!

It wasn't long, because I think another guy was signalling that I was in the room, and he quickly left. I could hear what he was saying, spreading rumours about meeeee...

Initially, I was embarassed, because people might believe his story. So, I scolded my husband (poor guy). But, at the end of the day, I decided- why should I be embarassed. I didn't do anything wrong. He was the one who should be embarassed and apologize to me!

And if people want to believe his story, let them be. I will prove them wrong over time. I'm not here to make friends anywayyyy...

I am already at that age when I don't care what people think about me anymore.

Initially, I was hoping not to bump into that guy ever again. But, actually, he was the one who should be avoiding me! Dia dah malu kan sebab mengumpat I? Ke memang tak tau malu?

I wish I was like this 10 years ago.

Note- teach my kids not to care so much what people think about them and be happier.

Current mood: Obsessed with Niall Horan.

Was feeling melancholic after my last post, so decided to listen to the catchy songs I used to sing. Didn't realized I knew most of One Direction songs! (I knew the songs, but didn't know the singer)

Felt like a teenager and decided to have a crush on Niall, because he's just my type. He just makes me smile, for someone way younger than me. Haha.

Explored his solo songs and discovered I enjoy his latest songs too! Been singing them without knowing the artist. It is just meant to be, he and I...

So, yeah, I'm so late to be a fan, but whatever, I love him, mmuaah!

4th day of 2020 and suddenly I'm feeling all depressed.

Depression is bad because it makes you forget about all the good things had happened and you should be grateful of.

The thing about me is- I think I can be better than I am. Like, I was once so good  at my job, it's just sad to see me ending up like this. I couldn't help but feel all those pity eyes looking at me- how could she end up like this. I had a bright future ahead of me. But other people have passed me, I'm so left behind now...

And nothing I can do about it. Because I am traumatised and I'm that person who you should not idolised, because I don't have the grit in me. I am not successful enough.

Sigh.

Anyway, on the other hand, because of all this, I have a lot more time to spend with the kids. I am always, always thankful of that. (But all other successful people also get to spend time with their kids, so I am not that special, you see. They can do it all, but not me).

Oh, well, this is my life. No complaints. It's okay. It's not that bad.

And for 2020,
I pray and wish
- to become a better Muslim
- to read more books (I've stopped reading leisurely a long, long time ago because I thought I needed to put my priorities straight. What a big mistake)
- to read Quran regularly, if possible, every day
- to understand the content of Quran. I never read the Quran translation, what a shame!
- to learn how to cook properly
- to make sure the house is complete

So, okay. That was short.

Writing is always good. It shifts your focus. Now, I am less depressed.

It's true. Time heals most things.

I knew this, I know this, and I will always know this.

But why is it so hard in the beginning?

It still hurts, but it hurts less now.

Now, tell me, is time the healer, or is it acceptance?

Look at my children, I wish them all the patience in the world, if they ever encounter hardships. I wish them all the strength in the world, to keep going even though they fail again and again.

Well, well...

I found all the stuff I've lost. Such a miracle, right?

Found my sunnies in my husband's car- never trust a guy when they say they've searched. Sure, you search, but you don't see!

And, because we are in a long distance relationship, I don't get to be in his car often. Even during Raya Haji, we mostly travelled in his other car. But, I finally found my sunnies in his car 2 days ago, when we were on our way to Legoland. I even planned to go to Singapore to buy a new pair! Haha!

(We didn't go to Singapore because kids insisted to stay at Legoland for 3 freaking days!)

Did you know what I did to locate my sunglasses? I even texted a restaurant owner, because I thought I left them at a restaurant. Oh, God, the effort!



I also didn't lose my house keys. And I found my name stamp. One of my dear staff kept it in her drawer for me, but we didn't get to see each other often. Then, I finally got it, but lost it again after 2 days! Ugh!

I knew it was somewhere in my workplace. And finally, 2 weeks ago, I found it back!

And why, am I being such a miserable lady over a name stamp? Because if I really lost my name stamp, I have to make an official police report in case someone else misuse it. What a hassle, right...Luckily it is now safe and sound in my hands.




And the other real update is...The one that prompted me to actually write tonight is...
This sad, jealous, unsure feeling, whether I am making the right decision, of not sending my eldest to a private school.

Half of the people around me are sending their kids to private schools, and they already began their terms. I feel a little bit left behind, actually. Sigh.

I know I shouldn't compare. I mean, they are kids. All kids can learn. But seeing the excited parents about the Business class they will be taking, the Montessori approach, some even already in Year 2 although they are only 6 years old...

I mean, it is a really competitive world out there. But it makes me question, is this really the best for my kid? Is the public school system really failing?

I remember, when I was a kid, I always wanted to finish first, and I wanted to finish fast (no skip year for my batch). And I got so jealous if I saw someone younger, studying in the same class. Most obvious when I was doing A-Levels, these kids from private schools, International students, barely 16, sitting for the same exam as me...

I was like, what the hell, sudahlah muda, bijak, cantik, kaya pulak tu! Life is unfairrrr!!!

I finally got over the feeling when I was in university. Because, they were some really older students from Canada and the States in my class, and they made me feel better about myself. Haha!

Anyway, this is not about me...Because you know, we may be could afford my kids education now, but what about in the future? Maybe it's better if I save the money for the university instead.

Even now, we are already paying
RM350 for kindergarten
RM300 for swimming class
RM80 for Taekwandi
RM400 for mengaji class

And this is only for 1 kid, per month. They are expensive. And I plan for Music class, Art class and Cooking class!

Macam mana nak ada ramai anak macam ni...





I turned out pretty fine, I guess. Went to a normal public school. Never had special classes, I don't have any special skills...
Art? Belajar sendiri.
Swimming? Belajar sendiri. (Curi-curi dengar what the teacher was telling)
Masak? Belajar masa universiti.
Mengaji? Belajar dengan jiran sebelah rumah.
Don't know music, don't know any forms of Martial Arts, sucks at Sports...

But I'm quite alright...

But, no! My kids must be better than their parents!