I am very, very stressed.

Because.

I don't like the ustadz who is going to be my Tok Kadi. He is very rude, bad tempered, I can't believe he is an ustadz! Seriously. I have no respect for him at all. He is not like any other ustadz that will melt your heart when you talk to him.

U (Ustadz): Awak pemohon. Kenapa awak suruh tunang awak serahkan borang ni? Kalau belum berkahwin, jangan berlagak macam suami isteri. Naik kereta bersama pun tak boleh!

Me: (WTF! Then, you expect me, the girl, to call you, and eat lunch with you? And what if I didn't have a car? Dear Ustadz, one day, I wanna see you daughter sit behind her boyfriend, on a motorbike. Because you are not rich, you can't afford to buy a car for her. And I am sure you have at least 6 kids.)

U: Cuba duduk jauh-jauh.

Yeah, we were in the mosque, with my brothers, my uncle and the ustadz, sitting in a circle. How close can we even sit? In the end, we moved a few inches away from each other, which really, made no difference at all.

U: Hari ni berapa haribulan dalam tahun hijrah?

Me: (Too lazy to layan and talk to the ustadz, I shrugged my shoulders, a sign to tell him that I didn't know).

U: Bulan apa sekarang?

Noone answered because we freaking didn't know because we freaking (you think) don't pray, because we freaking (you think) masuk neraka!

U: Ada bawa pen?

I looked at my boyfriend because I passed the pen to him before we came to the mosque. My smart boyfriend left it in the car.

U: Pen pun tak bawa? Awak ni tak bersedia langsung.

Ustadz ni memang emo, sengaja cari pasal. Tapi semua orang malas nak layan so we kept quiet.

U: Oh, macam kenal je alamat rumah ni.

Brother 2: Ustadz pernah datang masa arwah meninggal.

U: Oohh...Yang dekat belakang sana tu? Arwah dah meninggal lama dah kan...Sepuluh tahun dah...

Me: (Hoi, bodoh, kepala hotak kau! Tak sampai setahun bapak aku mati! Kalau tak kenal, jangan buat-buat nak kenal!)

That really made me hit the maximum point. I just cannot look at the ustadz' face. Seriously!

Dia ingat senang ke to gather my wali and my saksi together, they have better things to do, but no, you insist to see them first, because well, you ustadz is really young, probably graduated from a university, trying to control things in your turf.

You make all of us angry with your nonsense act. My boyfriend called you twice, TWICE, to ask you whether it is okay if the saksi not there, and you said YES, your wife said YES, but on the day itself, you said differently. Are you freaking crazy!

The ustadz was at my neighbour's akad nikah, and he commented that it was better to the akad in the mosque rather than in the house.

If he does that during my wedding, I'd be very angry. I have my reasons for having the akad nikah in my house. I have many non-Muslims friends and a lot of my aunts and relatives don't dress appropriately.

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DO MY AKAD NIKAH, CAN I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE!

Me: Marahnya I dekat ustadz gila tu! Boleh tak kalau I taknak maafkan dia!
Bf: Tak baik tak memaafkan orang...Hari tu, you juga yang suruh I maafkan budak sekolah pondok yang mengaji kitab tu...

Budak sekolah pondok yang mengaji kitab found my boyfriend's missing mobile phone, used it to call Cambodia AND to play online games, which was charged to my boyfriend's bill- RM300 in one day.

My boyfriend was so angry because
1) kononnya belajar agama
2) bukan budak kecik- dah 16 tahun
3) dah jumpa phone orang, kenapa tak pulangkan? Siap guna lagi...

And I...I asked him to forgive the kid. How silly...Now, I have to forgive the ustadz!

Anyway, in the end, we left the mosque in anger. I'm glad my uncle stood by me and agreed the ustadz was indeed crazy. Tak bawa pen pun nak marah tak tentu pasal. And this uncle is from Father's side, so this uncle is alim juga! If uncle alim thinks that Ustadz is crazy, I am not wrong to think so too.








Then, the hantaran shopping. It was fun then it was not then it was fun, and now, my watch has gone missing! Bengang gila! Tinggal kotak je! Please God, I pray to you, please return my watch to me...

My boyfriend definitely had the most fun though. He received lots of free gifts and for some reason, the salespeople are nicer to him!

I also need to prepare for a presentation. Work is mad. I am busy most of the time, by the time I arrive home, all I want to do is to sleep. Not to forget my impossible, unbelievable, ungrateful clients! They are so stupid sometimes!

Urgh!

My wedding preparations are minimal. No mandi bunga, no spa, no facial, no bachelorette party, no malam berinai. I already nearly die now. I just need to trim my hair and do my first ever manicure and pedicure, then I'm done and happy.

I want everything to be settled so I myself can settle down in a new town and that's it. Make babies and climb up the career ladder. That's all I care at the moment.

Yesterday sucked.

I came to work with half of my usual spirit. I am down with flu and cough, and I was easily annoyed for the whole day, that every single wrong thing, no matter how tiny it was, it hurt.

Like this one time, my boss ordered me to do something and half and hour later, he said he didn't order it, why I pandai-pandai do things my way. Annoying! I hate him!

Then, another boss came, who ordered me to do something else, and I did, and I yelled out, "23.2" in case I forgot the number, I hoped somebody else would remember it. Then he said, "Nevermind, it's not important."

WTF.

I left the scene because I couldn't stand to be there. In another room, a client's son scolded me for no reason. Usually I don't scold back, but I was not being myself, so, I answered. He then scolded me again and this time my assistant backed me up.

Damn rude lah these people!

So embarassing because my other clients heard it.

Then, I had nowhere else to go. I went to the canteen to be alone, but apparently I know too many people in the organisation, people kept coming up at me to say Hi but I was in no mood to talk or smile.

I drove home crying.

It could have been PMS but I just had my menstruation.







Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He said he had a surprise for me but I had to promise him not to be angry at the news. He told me that his bestfriend (the one that I used to have a crush on) got married two weeks ago.

WTF!

Apparently, he broke up with his long-term girlfriend of 15 years, one year ago. We all refused to believe that they separated because, yer lah, it could have been kejap on kejap off that kind of thing...I didn't even know he found someone new!

My boyfriend was right to make me promise not become angry because I almost exploded.

It's the stupidest thing a man could do to get over an ex!

So stupid!

It's wrong in many different levels.

First, you were together for 15 freaking years! It is simply IMPOSSIBLE to get over her in one year, it has to take 5 years at least, especially after you became depressed because she dumped you, boohoo.

Secondly, you got yourself a rebound which is way, how should I put it nicely here, too easy for you! Compared to your last girlfriend who is an engineer, who regularly goes overseas, who lives in a nice home, but you chose to settle down with this other girl, who is, I don't know, PMR/ SPM level, at most? Come on, you are worth more than that!

This is not even a revenge! This is defeat!

It's your fault for not getting married with your ex earlier. Guys, they always want to wait, they always want to have fun, she waited for you for 15 years, it's okay for you because you are a guy, but she's a woman whose youth is consumed by time, but when she dumped you, oh, pandai pulak kau main kahwin-kahwin?

Dah lah you kahwin, like, without proper preparation. I didn't even get an invitation to your wedding! And you, you don't even plan a reception on your side! What? Do you want to fuck her then divorce her? Do you think this is a game? That you can keep your marriage a hush hush? Why is it in the first place you don't want to make a big deal out of this? BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW YOUR WIFE IS NOT FOR YOU!

My boyfriend didn't even come to your wedding because he thought you were joking, for God's sake!

I feel like slapping him in the face! *RAGE*

How many times should I tell you guys that you guys should marry because of LOVE! LOVE! Why can't you guys believe me, or believe in love. Believe me, this kind of marriage won't last and you will become another typical Kelantanese who marry many and becomes a disgusting old man! (No offence, dear Kelantanese)








And because of you, my boyfriend has the guts to question the amount of hantaran my family is asking. You married a kampung girl who requested RM5000 which is enough for her, since you guys don't invite anybody to the wedding.

I am not like her! Is it my fault that most of friends come from well-to-do families that I tend to compare myself with them. I have to compare myself with successful people in order to challenge myself to be better. But my boyfriend said I am one ungrateful brat whose anything that I have is never enough for me.

I am educated and pretty and kind and I was raised in a standard way of living and my boyfriend said I am materialistic. I am not materialistic. If I were, I wouldn't save money by buying only cheap clothes. I don't wear designer clothes, Topshop is too expensive for me, I still wear the baju I have since I was 14 years old, and how come I am materialistic in this case!

I told my boyfriend, if he couldn't afford to buy me a Miu Miu handbag, then don't buy for me. Buy a cheaper one, I don't care. But he insisted. And we fight because of that!

It is ridiculous!

Then I told my boyfriend that he should've wedded me earlier, when Father was still alive, so Father could sort out most things for me, like my car insurance, my road tax and the place I will be living in after the marriage.

My boyfriend said my parents only asked us to study and I grow up smart but not street smart, I am not capable to do simple things like that.
My boyfriend said he didn't know Father was going to die because he was young and healthy and I told my boyfriend he is stupid because a lot of his friends are already dead because of heart disease or TB or something like that.






Gila stressed nak mampus.

I have paid an amount of deposit to a wedding planner.

But I hate her.

Well, I used to like her enthusiasm, but after a while, she never initiate to contact me! She is not committed at all! I feel so angry just thinking about it. Twice, she bailed on us. We made an appointment for her and the team to come to my house, but she didn't show up, not only that, she did not even send me a message! How rude!

According the the arrangement, a baju nikah is included in the price. The wedding date is very near, but she never bothers to call me up and take my measurement.

Being the typical egoist bridezilla (that I never knew existed in me), I pun tak ingin nak terhegeh-hegeh dekat dia. Whatever. The selection of baju that she has are not that beautiful anyway...Very limited I have to say.

Then, I found another wedding planner that I have faith in, but I am scared that it will be a tad too expensive from the budget that I've set for. I am so scared to tell Mother, I'd probably lie to her. At times like this, I wish I were rich. Or, at least I had well-connected friends, or talented friends.

You know, later, after I got married, I will make an entry of how I wanted my wedding to be like and compare it with how my wedding actually turned out to be.

Oh, well, like Oprah said, "You can get everything that you want, just not at the same time."

Redha dan syukur.

Hmm, enough of stressful wedding talks. The experience from being Ectopy from the moment I was born into this world has taught me that: I just have to let things flow and things will turn out okay. Seriously, I was born not to plan, I was born to be spontaneous and surprise myself with the outcome. I hope.

On a happier note, I suka sangat with the stress-relieving activities that I've got myself involved into for the past few weeks.

If I weren't anonymous, I would've written a blog post entitled: Things to do before getting married.

You know what, if I were younger and had seen a woman at this age terkinja-kinja, mesti I commented something nasty or I'd judge that person.

The funny thing of getting old is, sometimes, you don't feel it. I didn't realize that I was older than most of the participants and by the time I realized, I just thought, "Hey, I'm happy that I'm still able to do this at this age!"

When I was about 22 years old, I was abroad, and I saw this very stylish woman in stilettos and cool shades, pushing a baby stroller with another toddler next to her trying to keep up.

I remember it so vividly, I told myself, "That's how I want to be after I have chidlren."

Now, thinking back, it is so difficult to apply the same situation in Malaysia. Nanti I balik kampung, orang cakap, I buang tebiat. Haha.

One can say, just adjust yourself to fit in. But I'm sure other people would say I'm a hypocrite.

Oh, well, there are always opinions, and at this age, I shall learn not to care of what people think of me as long as I am okay.

Reputations are for hormonal teenagers, I have none.

Anyway, apart from that, I was with my travel buddy for the weekend, a few weeks back. It felt good. He probably did not feel it, but I was indeed quite sentimental about it.

That would probably the last impromptu trip I will ever have. That was definitely the last trip I would ever have with my travel buddy!

We also met up with his Uni friend who is a local there. He introduced me to her, "Didn't you know she is my travel buddy? We have travelled a lot together..." and he started to name the countries we have covered together.

He might not notice it but I was so touched that he still remembers about our good times together. And I was touched that it was not only me who think of him as my travel buddy! :')

Back to KL, I drove, while he slept through the journey. Lagilah I sedih dengan keheningan malam. I will miss his companion.

My boyfriend and I have talked about this. He said after the marriage, whether I like it or not, things will have to change. I will be a married woman, and he will be my husband. Everything I do will depend on his blessings. Therefore, I could not hang out with my guy friends like, just the two of us, because my boyfriend doesn't trust the devil that eventually becomes the third party.

I told my boyfriend, "Tapi you cakap kita Westernised!" He repeatedly said he wants to us to have sex by the beach and I should not be embarassed because, "Kita kan Westernised!"

If we were Westernised, why can't I have the kind of relationship that friends have in, 'Friends' or 'How I Met Your Mother' or 'Cougartown'.

"Dalam hal ni, takde Westernised nye...Kita back to basic," my boyfriend said. WTF.

Aku pasrah.

I'll wear whatever wedding dress for my big day, okay?

My boyfriend originated from another state. He was so convincing: "People there can sew too. They are not designers, but they can sew!"

It got me really excited. I printed photos for him to show them around.

One shop finally agreed to tailor my dress. We asked for the price quotation. After 5 freaking days, she said it would cost us, "RM2000".

Bf: Kalau macam tu, baik saya buat dekat KL!
Tukang jahit: Memang kami akan tempah di KL pun...

WTF! FML!

Sangat marah because the design that I wanted bukannya sarat dengan labuci kena jahit tangan! Plus, itu harga KL, I nak harga murah, sebab tu I bawa pergi kampung, duh!

I am no longer angry at my boyfriend. Biarlah, it's just a dress. I'll make a better one later, when we are richer, even though it'll be after marriage. :)





Anyway, I am getting more and more sensitive ever since the date is approaching, especially when people comment on my looks.

One relative said, "Nanti sebelum kahwin, buatlah facial, lepas tu kena mekap cantik sikit, bagi hilang semua ni," and she pointed at my flaws.

I was offended.

In another situation, my sister-in-law asked, "Awak tak ada ambil apa-apa ke?"
Me: Ambil apa?
SIL: Ye lah...Macam jamu ke...
Mother: Jamu? Dia tak gemuklah.
SIL: Awak ni, nampak penat je...Jamu untuk bagi awak nampak, hhmm, fresh sikit.

I think she was very careful in choosing her words which equivalent to the word: unattractive.

I was the dealing with a client the other day. While waiting for the stuff to be sorted out, she stared at my namecard, gave me a look and said, "You are so pretty in this picture. Now you look...Tired."

In my head: tired = ugly.

Being polite, I said, "Well, work has consumed me. Don't worry, Auntie, I'll get prettier when I am getting married."

Auntie replied, "You should be pretty even before you get married."

I can only brushed off the topic by telling her a lie, "First, I need to find a guy!"

Urgh, what is wrong with these people! Am I that ugly!

Oh, well, the only good news is, I never thought my namecard photo was a nice one. At least, Auntie appreciated it.

And thank God I have a blind boyfriend.

I did not wear any make-up on, wore a plain baju kurung with a plain tudung to attend a boring Kursus Kahwin but he kept complimenting on how cute I was that it became annoying because I felt like I was being lied to.

I watched 'How I Met Your Mother'. Quote from the sitcom:
A: People don't like to lied to!
B: Wrong! People don't like finding out the truth!

Oh, and here's another quote:
Skanky old woman: Come here, baby...(Rubbing herself against the man's cock)
Timid man: (Refusing the skanky old woman) Actually, I have a girlfriend. No, fiance! Wife! I have a wife!
Skanky old woman: (Still trying her luck to seduce the timid man)
Timid man: (Blurted out) I have syphilis!
Skanky old woman: Even better! Cause I have syphilis too...

Random.

So, I ran into Kancil and damaged her plate number.

My car is fine.

It wasn't a big deal. At work, I texted her an apology message, but was returned with a call by a stranger who was completely unaware about the matter. I must have gotten the wrong number, and the ironic thing is, the owner of the number has the exact same name.

It turned out, this woman is a stalker. She traced my car at my workplace and left me a note.

Remember the security guard I told you in my last post? Well, he told that they passed the message to me, if I was still uncontactable by the next day, they wanted to issue a summon. Over tak? Setakat plate number pecah kot...

At last, managed to contact her and she requested for, tadaa, RM250.

Cik: Mekanik tu estimate rosak dalam RM250.
Me: Mahalnya! Rosak apa mahal sangat? Number plate je yang pecah.
Cik: Dia cakap bumper jatuh.
Me: Awak repairlah dulu, nanti bagitau saya amount dia.

I thought, what the hell! Bila pulak bumper dia jatuh, bukannya langgar kuat pun, kereta I pun takde scratch. But quickly, I calmed myself down, tak baik bersangka buruk pada perempuan yang menutup aurat, mekanik tu kot yang jahat.

Redha.

At night, she called me again. Oh, my God, I was beginning to think she was harassing me. This time, she said, "Saya dah confirm kan dengan mekanik tu. Memang dia nak charge RM250."

Fine, whatever lah...So, why do you call me?

Cik: Agak-agak, bila eh boleh masuk duit?
Me: Saya tak pasti lah...Kalau tak malam ni, esoklah saya transfer duit. Nanti awak bagilah account number awak.
Cik: Sebab, saya perlukan duit tu.
Me: Okay, tapi macam saya kata tadi, kalau tak malam ni, besok saya bagi duit tu. Saya selalu online banking. Malam ni saya ada hal, nak keluar.
Cik: Tinggal dekat mana eh? Boleh bagi alamat?

Sekali lagi syaitan menghasut. Desperate gila perempuan ni miskin sangat ke hape setakat 250ringgit pun tak boleh bayar dulu...(Kalau miskin sangat, sungguh tak bijak pakai kereta, sila naik bas untuk simpan duit, lebih bagus kalau jalan kaki je) Siap minta alamat, kalau tak boleh online banking, dia nak datang rumah minta cash pagi-pagi buta keesokan hari agaknya.

You know what she said that made my annoyance level hit the maximum?

SMS: Saya harap cik bleh tranfer mlm ni la coz esk dah lbh 24jam utk mngelak dr sbrng kesulitan tq

Subtly threatening me, for the second time (the first, regarding the summon) in day?

I sedeqah je RM250 tu, I halalkan. Puas hati?

Probably she didn't act alone, probably her husband/ boyfriend/ friends made her do things this way...

This strengthtens further my theory: People with limited power memang suka nak tunjuk power. (I discuss about this matter over and over again)

Thank God I'm surrounded by cool people. That thought makes me smile :) We are classy!

My niece is damn cute. She's 3 years old.

One time, I caught her playing with my lipgloss, so I screamed at her and asked, "Pulang balik!"
Then, she pursed her lips and pinched them, as if grabbing the stain of lipgloss on her lips, and said, "Nah!"
I said, "Pulangkan balik," and she did the same gesture for several times! Haha.

Another time, my purse went missing. I found our she was the last one who played with it, so I asked her, "Where is my pink purse?"
Then, she pointed at her cute little butt, and said, "Ni..."
"I said, where is my pink purse, not where is your Pampers! So, now, where is my pink purse?"
As expected, she did not understand and showed me her Pampers.






I am confused with myself.
Sometimes, I make friends so easily with strangers, other times I may not be as warm as I could be.

Like today, at work, I was with a new team of people. It's not like I don't know most of them, I do, but I couldn't be bothered to be jovial. They didn't care about me either, probably because I was not interesting enough. It felt really awkward because everybody was talking to each other except for me! I felt like I was in a new high school or something.

Then, as I was about to leave, a security guard came knocking on my car window. He asked me to lend him RM30, with promise that he will return the full amount in 2-3days. I showed him the content of my purse, I seriously only had RM7, I wanted to give him 5bucks, but he refused, "Nanti you pula tak ada duit," he said.

He must've needed the money bad. 30bucks may meant nothing for me, but to him, he didn't even have RM30!

I told about my boyfriend about how I felt- this 'kejap boleh kawan dengan mana-mana orang, kejap boleh kawan dengan certain people only' mode.

Him: Maybe you lebih suka berkawan dengan orang yang humble.
Me: Tak jugak...Kadang-kadang I kawan dengan orang tu bergantung kepada chemistry.

I am wondering what kind of people attract me to them. I don't know.

If it's chemistry, I also have some very close friends who I didn't have chemistry with, but hit it off after a few meetings.
Ada jugak yang sampai sekarang masih tak boleh ngam.

Brad P's bestfriend/ complicated friend for example. And I feel so guilty because Brad P gets along with my friends so well (too well sometiems) but I just couldn't have a proper relaxed conversation with his this one bestfriend.
Damn awkward!

Let's also analyse the bosses I can get along with. Boss A is kind, but I just couldn't talk to him like friends do. Everything between us is completely professional that sometimes we are in silence because we couldn't talk about anything else. However, the rest of my colleagues can have drinks and laugh with him.
Or Boss B who most people hate but I can simply tease him and feel at ease when he's around.

I don't understand myself.

I...Don't know where to start.

From the moment I thought I was falling with my boyfriend, I knew we just have to get married.
Like any other bride, I dream of a beautiful wedding. One that could be called mine.

So, ever since then, I have started collecting photos of the stuff I like for my wedding.

And whenever I attend a wedding, I always think mine would be better.

But anyway, due to my procastination nature and the lack of family support (I refuse only to blame myself! Even though I am at fault *shy*), I couldn't realize most of my plans.

I am so sad and mad at myself!

My ideas have gone down the drain because...I just paid an amount of money for the deposit for...a wedding coordinator (not a wedding planner, if only I was rich, FML).

The wedding coordinator will handle my wedding from A to Z. And what I meant by A to Z, I mean, A to Z!

Why am I so crazy to let a total stranger do things for MY wedding! This is my wedding, what if she screws up? What if I don't like what she does?

I am hyperventilating, palpitating, panicking all in one.

Gah! Why am I not rich again?

If I was rich, I could have had a better job with better pay (ie: my own company) and then take my own sweet time off work, fly to Indonesia, pick the nicest dress, pays the greatest wedding planner without a single drop a sweat, order the wedding planner to do things the way I want it to be, become a bridezilla because I am the one with the moolah...

WHO SAYS MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS!

I wish I can rant more about this matter, but my boyfriend is on the line and he's there to calm me down, so I will talk to him and complaint more about it later, in this blog.

I found a great blog and it kept me awake. :)

Actually, I couldn't sleep well today, I kept tossing and turning, I hate mosquitoes, I forced myself to sleep but ended up thinking about my upcoming wedding, will I ever make it realize in time, or will it be postponed again?

Hmm...

The truth is, I have been blogging since 2002. I think I have lost most of my writings because the old server got revamped or something, plus I became lazy/ busy, so I simply quitted keeping track. I used to treasure them very much, thinking somehow, one day, I would want to read again what I had written, my tiny brain couldn't recall much of what happened, you know...

Especially because I was so bold about everything, I mentioned names, I wrote details, which consumed my reputation among my new friends.

And I wanted to see how myself evolve over the years...But I lost them all. Now, I am sad thinking about it!

Rebellion to depression, frank honesty to anonymosity, anger to acceptance, loud, outspoken, opinionated to being assertive, unambitious. I used to think I had a crystal clear concious about my life's principles, but in retrospect, I have broken most of them. What/ how/ when it all happened?

i-enthusiast.diaryland.com triggered this emotion. I read her entries up until 2005, then I lost her. I wonder how she is now. She was mature beyond her age, totally different from how I used to write at that age, or what was important to me back then.

She makes me feel shameful of my thoughts when I was a teenager/ in my early twenties! Haha. The good old days...

Anyway, reading her amazingly good English reminds me why I always think American scholars are greater than the British, the Malaysians studying overseas, I mean, in term of intellectual levels. Half of this is contributed by the education system. In the US, they encourage, even challenge their students to participate actively to voicing out their thoughts, conducting conferences, coming out from the closets, etc.

Sometimes, I even fantasize marrying somebody 2-3 years older than me, who spent some time in the US, I imagine having a heated, mind stimulating conversation with the guy, get angry and curse each other in words only few know, like how some of my friends do, but we are only platonic.

Also, I would say, the quality of the chosen ones to further studies overseas, being the top 10% of the national population, somehow, are better than the current generations!

Nowadays, I observe these students are only good in paper-based exams, not articulate enough, unable to think outside the box or simply cannot give a good analysis about the current news. Pathetic graduates.

Probably that's why I never fancy the doctors. Sorry.

I regret for not taking up the rare courses of my time: Biotechnology, Actuarial Science, Political Science, Mathematics. I regret for not taking minor, random courses. "Hello, I have a degree in Greek Mythology/ Social Science/ Chinese Culinary Arts/ French Revolution/ Dance History." My resume could have been awesome!

Speaking of Mathematics, a friend argued with me that why would anybody study Mathematics. It is just Maths, you have some formulas, you replace them with numbers, voila, you get the answers.
Well, it is not just about the answers, it is the journey, the beautiful minds of Al-Khwarizmi, Al-Jabbar, aren't you intrigued?
"Hello, I am a Mathematician." Even the sound of it is cool!

Now, I am mad at myself. Because I am getting older and choices are getting limited. They say there are always options, as long as you have the willpower. But I have commitments to other things too, I am no superhuman.

And I keep chanting to myself- Being ordinary is not so bad. Repeatedly.









I wish I received a degree from an American college, Masters from the UK, then worked in Japan, before finally settling down in Malaysia. Damn, I need to travel for one year. Damn, why am I not rich enough to drop everything and just fly to foreign lands.

FML.

But I will never trust my children's independence. Ah, the irony.

Koleksi cerita-cerita sedih berkisah benar.

1)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife. Wife number one gave birth to two kids. One killed herself. One ran away from home.

Husband had stroke and became paralysed.

Wife number 2 ran away.

Wife number one is taking care of her sick husband and the 6 stepchildren left by wife number 2.

Now, wife number one has cancer.

2)

A teenager met an accident and became paralysed.

Father is also paralysed.

Mother stopped working because she needs to take care of both of them.

Sisters stopped schooling and have to work to support the family.

3)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife.

Wife was pregnant with their first child.

Wife passed away during delivery.

Wife's mother fell sick and warded.

Child passed away two days later.

Wife's Father passed away on the same day.




Whenever I am sad, I try to remember the story from the glorious days of Islam. About a woman who lost all of her sons (six of them if I am not mistaken).

She always looked so happy despite the series of terrible deaths of her sons. One person thought she was the happiest person that person has ever met. So, that person asked her what's her secrets.

She then told that person that she was actually very lonely because all of her loved ones had gone. The only thing that kept her happy was the thought that all of them died in the holy war and she was glad that all her sons died a shahid.




So, don't be sad with your life unless you actually have a sad life.




Anyway, I found out that my sister was not very happy with me.
I didn't realize until I read what she wrote.

Basically, some relatives came from far so I treated my family member with lunch at a nice restaurant. It wasn't intended but I had my credit card with me so I offered myself to pay.

It wasn't too expensive, I would say, for 15 heads.

As usual, the pakciks and makciks were praising my generosity and they thought I was rich. My sister pulak terasa and makan hati.

So, in this case, was it my fault that she was hurt?

She mentioned things like, just because I work as this, just because I studied there, just because I am more outspoken than her, they thought I am all great, but they don't know that I come home late until 2-3am, sometimes I am being rude to my parents, etc etc.

Now that I am actually jotting it down, the things she said about me, ouch, it hurts!

If only she knows how sometimes I envy her in ways she'd never imagine.

If only she knows how I look myself in disgust, sometimes, I probably hate myself more than she hates me.

(Note: The previous post was written one day after his death. This was written about two weeks after)

Today is only a few days after 2 weeks of Father's passing.

I went back to work three days after is burial. I was strong. Like I said before, I keep telling myself that probably it was better for him to go when he was at home.

I was at the hospital the other day. I stood by a client's side when the doctor told the patient's family the devastating news.
"Orang, kalau dah lebih usia 50tahun, jantungnya akan jadi lemah."
Immediately, my eyes were filled up with tears. 'But this patient is still young. Father was still young!' I thought to myself. I excused myself and gathered the courage to face the day.

The next day, I learned that that particular client of mine passed away. For the first time of my life, I felt so attached to her, that I sobbed uncontrollably = she just reminded me so much of Father.

One lonely night, I laid on my bed. At the end of the line, was my ever faithful boyfriend, who accompanied my sleepless night. Softly, I told him my many regrets,

I was half-convinced that Father hated me.

"Abang, Abang rasa Father lebih sanggup mati daripada nikahkan I dengan you?"
Probably that was his wish. He was against us so much, probably that was Father's doa in front of the Kaabah.

My boyfriend said: "Sayang tak boleh fikir macam tu. Semua kerja Tuhan. Awal atau lewat mati. Father doa yang terbaik untuk anak dia. Supaya awak dapat suami yang soleh. Father dah restu perkahwinan kita. Family you pun dah boleh terima Abang. Mestilah dia nak nikahkan kita tapi tak kesampaian kerana panggilan Ilahi."

"Abang ingat sebelum Father pergi Mekah, Abang jumpa dia dan makan sekali dengan dia."

I became even more sad because, "Abang dapat duduk and makan dengan dia but I tak sempat nak berborak before dia pergi Mekah. Lepas balik dari Mekah pun tak sempat bercakap."

Oh, my God. It is so hard to type all this.

Many things ran through my mind like
How my children woundn't get to know their grandFather
Who would kiss me on my forehead on the day of my nikah
etc etc

Up to the point that it made me so angry that my boyfriend didn't wed me earlier!

Me: Kenapa cepat sangat pergi?
People: Sabar, Ectopy. Orang baik memang Tuhan sayang, mati cepat. Dia meninggal pun tak susah.

Dear Father,
Even if you hated me, I love you and I hope you forgive me even though I probably had hurt you for so many times before.