Sometimes, I meet people and I go like, "That used to be me."

When I meet the bad ones, I am embarassed. Wow, why was I like this before, oh my God!

If I meet the good ones, I would be all missing my previous self. Where are you now, young and fun Ectopy?

I guess, I am old enough to appreciate that people change. I now hate less and I don't mind a lot more now. So much cooler...

Am I a better person now? Well, not necessarily, I can never be perfect.

People say it's difficult to love your children equally.

But so far, I love both my children equally, just longer for my firstborn (d

When Baby H was born, I gave extra attention to Big Brother K so he wouldn't get jealous or feel left out. I didn't want to scar him like I was scarred when I first received my baby sister.

Thank God, Big Brother K loves his sister. He is always kissing her, I think it's because she's so cute, he can't resist himself. He never tries to hurt Baby H intentionally. Although, sometimes he plays too rough, when he covers her sister with a blanket (playing ghost/ monster/ hide and seek), or puts his butt at his sister's face because he wants to pretend fart Baby H...

Initially, I think I ignored Baby H most of the time. She was just a baby, she didn't react, except when she was hungry and wanting to sleep. Other than that, my time and attention went to Big Brother K.

But now, she is growing up so fast. Independent and cheerful. How can I not love this baby who is not as fussy as her brother, gives in a lot, gentle and has to let her Mother work before she was even 3 months old.

Just now, Baby H was already sleeping and Big Brother K was about to fall asleep when Baby H suddenly cried. Big Brother K quickly joined me to hush her. I nursed Baby H and Big Brother K hugged both of us and stroked Baby H's head, half asleep.

My heart melted.

Big Brother K- so loving and kind.
Baby H- so patient, gentle and cheerful.

Baby H has giggled several times since she turned 3 months old. So far, the only reason she giggles is watching Big Brother K doing something silly.

I pray they would have the best sibling relationship until they die. :)

I don't want to get angry but I am angry. I don't know who should I be angry at.

I'm angry at my maid. She said she would come back. We were so nice, she received a lot of money, renewed her permit, let her go home before her contract ends (she was with us only for a year). I thought we treated her well, out of mercy, because she too have children, and it would be cruel if we forbid her from seeing her children. Mother gave her an android phone, even bought new clothes from her children.

She didn't come back. I am angry because to me, it is pecah amanah. Serve me right, for trusting her too much. We just started to feel comfortable with her. Sure, we let her go bearing the risks. And now, padan muka sendiri lah kan.

Jadi, nak marah diri sendiri ke? Eh, maid yang buat hal, kenapa kena marah diri sendiri pulak. Maid tu yang patut kena marah!

This will be my third year hiring a maid. One for each year. Beribu-ribu each time. Eh, bazir betul lah. Baik I duduk rumah je. Gatal sangat nak kerja. Nak harapkan orang tolong jaga anak kita, tapi sendiri yang sakit hati.

And I was so confident that if we treat people right, Allah akan mudahkan. What does this mean? There's something wrong with the way we treated her? Eee...Geram betullah. I taknak marah diri sendiri, I don't deserve this. But I am so angry!

We let the helper go back to Indonesia for 2 weeks.

She was due to come back yesterday. She didn't show up.

We trusted her. She received so much incentives. It is her loss if she didn't come back. But why can't she let us know?

My heart is still praying for a miracle.

When we called the Indonesian number, a lady answered.
"Saya tak kenal sama dia...Saya jumpa telefon ini, tadi ada kecelakaan, jadi saya ambil telefon ini."

Accident --> missed flight
Lost phone, perhaps even Passport and permit card.
No cash to buy a new ticket.
No phone to contact us.
Did not jot down our numbers.

Where are you, Bibik!

If the accident was true, I hope she is fine and not dying or something.

But, if she made things up, I hope she's in hell.

The worrying part is: I don't want to burden Mother.

We don't care about finding the a new maid. Duit boleh dicari. Bibik is replaceable. In the meantime ni macam mana?

Selamat Hari Raya!

Truthfully, I've been trying to search for a proper baju raya this year, but to no avail. Tak ada yang berkenan dan yang paling penting, kena breastfeeding friendly.

So, no baju raya for me this year.

Yesterday was the day I packed my baju for 7 days, including for Baby K and Baby H, in the span of 2 hours. I simply rummaged my wardrobe for old baju kurung. I really do have some nice ones that I haven't been wearing for some time.

But, today morning, when I tried one on, I can only zip it up halfway! Oh, my God...Mommy has gone fat! My husband laughed at me...I also wasn't expecting I was that skinny before...I mean, I think I am not so fat for someone who just gave birth 4 months ago, second pregnancy body some more, right?

So, my little family has no theme colour, whatever...

I'll be wearing the same handbags and shoes for the next 6 days, how boring...This is the downside of celebrating not in your hometown.

Nevertheless, I am blessed, Alhamdulillah. No baju raya, but my husband bought a new phone for me. Also, new cars for me, him and his company. Most importantly, a new baby! Great health and family...

I am even more grateful when I met a father, whose wife is sick, and has to take care of his 7 children, the youngest is a Down's Syndrome baby, by doing odd jobs.

And, when someone told me about an Indonesian father, whose kid was ill and did not survive. The father couldn't afford the van jenazah, so he carried his dead kid from the hospital on his motorcycle, for a couple of hours before reaching home.

And the Masjid Nabawi incident...

I am crying as I am typing this.
I wish I could help them all...

I couldn't stop thinking about them, that's why I write, despite this post should be about the joyful Eid.

Again, Selamat Hari Raya! I truly ask for your forgiveness kalau I ada silap and salah...I'm always scared if I sound boastful, or, konon baik sangat in my writing. Seriously, I am not. But if you think I do, sorry sangat-sangat, I don't mean to...Sila jangan menyampah dengan I, hehe.