upside down

I want to be somebody who knows what she wants in her life.

Currently, I am so confused. I thought this is what I want, but I am not good in it, hence making me very unhappy. I doubt my decision and thinking of doing something else.

But what?

I know my boyfriend and my family won't give me their supports if I decided to drop everything and start back at square one. They'll ask me to hang in there, don't do stupid things, don't risk what you have.

I want to be somebody who is able to do anything she wants in her life. I want to be somebody who is content and happy.

Anyway, my love life is twisted in its own kinda way.
Father secretly made plans to visit my boyfriend's hometown to check out his background but he had to postpone it due to some circumstances. I never knew he would go that far to find out about the simple truth!

My boyfriend and I, we rarely see each other. We don't talk everyday and we don't exchange text messages everyday. Sometimes, even I myself am confused about our relationship. It seems so different from other normal couples.

The only thing that makes us similar to others is: We are losing the sparks. He is not like the person I met 2 and half years back. I hate politics. I wish he was a regular guy doing a regular job, living a regular life and we are a regular couple.

On the hand, I am a regular person and as mentioned above, I hate for not being able to achieve my greatest potential. I want to be extraordinary. Sigh. Conflicting.

Un/like other people, I have the tendency to become rebellious when things don't go my way. They say we forget God when everything's good and only search for One when the unfortunate falls on us. I always think about how generous the Almighty is when things are going good for me and vice versa. Sometimes, I feel like life is so unfair, all I can think of is how my prayers are useless and generate nothing.

I regret for thinking such terrible thoughts. I am okay now.
I hope I won't fall apart.

Perhaps I am stuck in a time capsule. The last time I remember for being so happy and confident was during my college days. And that was not even close to the fun I had during my school years.

Memories.

Whenever we quarrel, my boyfriend reminds me to remember our happy times together. I see it differently. I don't want to hold onto the past. This is now. Why can't we create our happy moments now?

Perhaps it's me. Perhaps it's time to grow apart. Perhaps it's time for something/one new.
Or is it?