pretty shoes make me happy

Listening to:
Their Cell by Girl in a Coma.



Life has its ups and downs.

The best part about it is when you compared what happened during your bad times with the good times you are having.

Like yesterday, I knew I was going to have a very difficult time at work, so many things to do, but as usual, tak cukup kaki tangan, and with so many petty complaints that I need to look into (sometimes, they are not even my job, but I don't want to be calculative), I casually asked a close friend of mine:

"How long do you think before I explode? Wanna bet? 1 month? 2 months?" I said while giggling.

"I'd say...By this Friday!"

Little did I know, I had my mini explosion last night itself.

I cried to my boyfriend. I have the best, most understanding boyfriend ever. He listened and gave me encouragement. And even though he was not next to me physically, I could feel him stroking my hair trying to calm me down.

I'm glad I have my sweet friends around too. I seldom tell them what's bothering me, but sometimes I wish they know how much I appreciate it when out of nowhere, they send me SMSes to ask me out for supper or things like that. They don't know how much they've done to save me.

Do you know that it's difficult to be a nice person? Because, to be a true, genuinely nice person,
1) you shouldn't expect anything in return.
2) you shouldn't mind doing the nice things. You must always willingly to do them.
3) you have to have patience.
4) tak boleh nak mengungkit.
5) kena persistent, atau dalam Bahasa Arabnya, kena istiqamah.
6) kena consistently have a pure heart, tak boleh evil.

See...Susah okay!

Lepas tu, nanti kena pijak pijak, tapi you still have to be patient and put a smile on your face.

Whenever I feel angry at someone, I try to find a good thing about that person so I can't blame him/ her,
like, "Sejahat-jahat mulut dia pun, at least dia pakai tudung, tak macam I ni...Pahala dia lagi banyak dari I, so jangan ingat diri I ni bagus sangat nak benci-benci orang!" Lepas tu terus insaf, tapi apakan daya, diri masih nak ber'skirt'. Haha...

Oh, well, but today, I am happy. Way happier than yesterday!

I decided to wear my new, cutest shoes ever to work.

Early in the morning, I was greeted with compliments of my pretty shoes.

Heeee! I can be such a girly girl sometimes even at this age!

Seriously, those shoes have magic, everytime I look at them, I smile like a little kid getting a new toy. I'm so happy with my purchase, dah lah comel, cheap and comfortable pulak tu! Cukup 3 Cs!

The day went so well today, I can even list down the things that make me happy:

1) less work because I was stationed outside my usual workplace. Celebrate!

2) was greeted by a guy from Brunei, who said,
"Hai. Saya selalu nampak awak. Awak siapa nama?"
And then he asked me where I lived and etc.
I told him I needed to go, but he said, "Agak-agak bila awak boleh bagi number telephone?"
My answer was, "Nanti-nantilah eh?"
Heee...Then terus telefon boyfriend and excitedly told him I kena ngorat. (Giggles)

3) Was reminded by something that happened a few days before:
A crazy person, like a real crazy person, was hanging around at my workplace. So as I was doing my work, he said, "Awak banyak cantiklah!"

Jangan layan.

I went home, I told my boyfriend that I was sad because a crazy man thought I was pretty. Maksudnya, mestilah I tak cantik because if he knows what's beautiful and what not, he would have taken care of himself better and wear proper attire!

My boyfriend said, "Crazy men are honest."

I refused to listen to him, until today, I teringat dekat Alice in Wonderland. :)

4) One of my bosses actually noticed my hard work, like finally!

5) Can I mention shoes, again?

P/S: I lost RM500 today. So sad. Could have given Mother the money instead. But I am still happy. Duit cuma. Lainkali cari lagi. Even though it was totally not my fault, but I redha. I hope, whoever has MY money now, will use them wisely for good deeds.

A few weeks back, I read a blog. The blogger talked about the assignment he/ she had been given by his/ her lecturer: Write 10 words that best describe about you. Then choose the best three, and elaborate.

According to him/ her, the assignment is more difficult than it sounds. I don't have to try it to agree, but anyway, I am going to do it now, spontaneously, I promise.

Oh, my, this is going to be loooong.

Time start 0017.

1- optimistic
2- cheerful
3- split
4- adventurous
5- reasonable
6-
7-
8-
9-
10-

Time finish 0055.

Okay, I give up. I need more than one word to describe me. Like 'Split'. I am actually trying to say that I have a split personality. I couldn't find another word which carries the same meaning. The closest is 'indecisive'. But I am not really indecisive, I just have a split personality! Happy now, sad the next moment, like a bipolar person, but I don't really suffer from a bipolar psychotic behaviour disorder. I just have a split personality, understand?

Anyhow, this is an assignment. We usually have one week to complete one assignment. I'll continue later, okay?

I wrote 5 words already. But if I were to choose only 3, I don't which of them are best to describe me. I don't have the slightest idea!

This is to describe who I am. I am me, so I must know how am I like, ain't I?

The lesson here is, 'The hardest lesson is to know thyself'.







Work is crazy. Despite the craziness, I am still inspired, on random days.

Someone at work is constantly scolded. I adore her patience and her determination.

My friend told me, she once said, "Kerja tu ibadah. Biarlah orang nak marah kita pun."

Ibadah. I like that word.

Next time, whenever I feel shitty at work, I just have to remind myself, "Kalau nak buat ibadah, hati kena ikhlas."







I'm surrounded by many new colleagues and I have to bear with their myriad attitudes!

I especially hate those whose jobs are to assist me but they don't even attempt to assist me at all. Dah lah refuse to do their job, being rude to me pulak tu.

Sometimes, I feel like, "Hello, I am your boss, tolong respect sikit boleh tak?" Geram tau. I am polite to you, I even call you 'Kak', not by your pangkat (yang lebih rendah from mine), and it's not like I don't have better work to do, can't you be at least civilised to me back!

The other day, I was really hurt by this one 'Kakak'. I was in charge for other clients, but she assumed I was in charge for her clients as well. She told me that this one client was a little bit fussy. So? What am I to do? I have my clients to attend to as well.

And I wasn't like being rude to her at all. I told her, "Kakak, siapa yang in charge sini? Saya tak in charge sini lah..."

Do you know what she did next? She intentionally said this loudly, "Aku benci betullah kerja dekat sini!"

At first, I wasn't bothered at all, because I thought she directed her anger towards someone else. So, I ignored her. Besides, I thought tak baik lah nak eavedrops orang punya conversation.

Then, she began to slam the drawers, hempas-hempas files semua, while I was still there.

I kan agak optimistic, so I thought, 'Jangan perasan that she's angry with you. Entah-entah dia marah orang lain.' I tried to coax myself not to mind her attitude. Tak baik bersangka buruk.

As I was about to leave, she called me and asked to sort out her client, and she rudely asked me to. So, memang confirm lah kan...

It's either I was really patient, or I was just too tired to acknowledge her problematic behaviour.

So, I attended the client, gave some pep-talk, and the client agreed. Tak sampai dua minit pun.

Seriously, nampak sangat 'Kakak' tu was not even trying to talk to the client. Client was agreeable after talking to me. Susah sangat ke? And she dared to throw tantrums toward me, some more.

Tapi, kerja kan ibadat. Kena ikhlas.

Mungkin, suami kakak tu baru minta cerai the day before kot. Tu pasal meroyan macam orang nak menopause. Who knows kan?

I continued to do my work, keeping quiet. Sampai rumah, I malas nak cerita dekat my boyfriend, nanti bertambah tak ikhlas dan menyakitkan hati, tapi before I went to bed, I fikir, "Patutlah kau kerja sebagai orang bawahan. With attitude like that, you will never improve."

I hate to generalize sebenarnya. Because I've had very efficient assistants before, I even adore them!

I guess, that Kakak is one rotten fruit. Busuk, basi! Good thing I don't even remember your face to hold grudges on you. Kalau tak, buat tambah dosa I je.

I hope my offsprings and I will never have that kind of attitude.

When I heard about the bad news, the first thing that came to my mind was, and I did say it out loud: "Well, nasib baik dia dah kahwin..."

My other friends who were around that time were astounded by my reaction, trying to figure out the connection of being married with someone's misfortune.

"Betullah! Berkahwin tu sangat-sangat membantu tau. Adalah orang nak support, nak nangis nangis...Sekurang-kurangnya dia gembira dengan perkahwinan dia, and nothing else matters. Like who cares even if you are being laid of your job when you have a loving a husband and adorable children?"

They nodded their heads, a sign of agreeing with my statement.

"Korang tak rasa betul ke?" I asked.

"Betul lah jugak..." one of them said.

"See...Sebab tu lah I nak kahwin!"


Shit lah...I dah ada mentality everything will be better when you are married. Haha. Rasa macam dah tak independent la pulak...

(Waves hands over my head, pergi semua pemikiran kolot!)







Today morning, I woke up and decided to be all manja manja dengan boyfriend.
However, I came to realize that the relationship is well over 3 years, but I manja tak ingat dunia and my boyfriend pulak simply layan, sometimes I wonder why he layan me so much.

If I were a guy, I dah tampar tampar dah girlfriend ter over manja macam I ni. Haha.

Seriously, why would a man in his thirties play and pretend along with his girlfriend yang mengada-ngada minta dia jerit just for fun and he foolishly grants my wish.

In the end, he amuses me and as usual, I'd ask, "Kenapa you blindly ikut cakap I!"

Sometimes, I pulak rasa nak lepuk my boyfriend's head, jangan jadi bodoh boleh tak!







The truth is, I know my boyfriend when he was on top of his world. Everything was going well for him and then we met and his world became perfect. Like any other story, that don't last long.

The good thing is, he still has me but he is now no longer as well-off as he used to. It doesn't affect me, because financially, I do not depend on him, but mentally, it does and I tend to question his ability to afford me soon.

Sometimes, I ni pun teruk jugak la, I'd ask him, "Bila you nak kaya?" or "Kenapa you tak cakap dekat I yang you sebenarnya tak kaya? I would still go for you, you know, tapi takde lah I expect you kaya and get disappointed when you are actually not," or "Tak boleh ke you kaya lama tapi miskin sekejap instead the other way around?"

See, why am I so mean to him!

Entahlah. Sometimes, I feel, if he was as rich as he used to, tak payahlah I pening kepala fikir hal wedding, and my parents wouldn't have excuses not to like him.

I understand that he has set a certain amount of his savings for other things and that money can't be touched for personal spendings, tapi nak tunggu tu punye lah lama...

I cannot dwell too much about the details.

Luckily I work closely with citizens of the lower second class and the third class. Cuma kadang-kadang jadi lupa diri when surfing blog orang kaya. Haha.

My colleagues and I notice that these people (lower second class and the third class) tend to have many children. So, I told my boyfriend about it,

"Ada perempuan ni, baru 23 tahun dah ada 6 orang anak! Sekali tengok-tengok, husband dia penjaga stor. Kawan I cakap, 'No wonder, he got nothing better to do!'," I broke into laughters.

My boyfriend laughed too. Then he asked, "You rasa, kenapa diorang ni banyak anak?"

"Laaa...Kan I dah cakap tadi, sebab diorang ni takde kerja lain nak buat, lepas tu tak reti nak family planning sebab tak tahu and takde duit," I said, half-jokingly.

My boyfriend smiled, "Sebab...Tuhan tu adil. Walaupun diorang tak banyak duit, tapi diorang kaya anak..."

Okay. Cukup-cukuplah tazkirah. I main-main je lah!

Smart. I went to stalk Hunk on Facebook. And what do I get back in return?

Heartache.

I envy his life and family. He seems really happy and he loves his family (and his bike). I would love my own family too, if I am able to make one soon.

(Sigh)

I haven't talked about my wedding for a while now.

Wedding plans need a good start-up engine. I went to several bridal boutiques, but nothing has caught my eyes yet. My boyfriend was really supportive, contributing his opinions in the process, I like to see his eagerness, which sometimes I find him lacking.

Finally, I showed him my collection of wedding ideas I've saved from the Net.

"Patutlah you tak suka baju yang dekat butik-butik tadi...Taste you tinggi gila!" was his comment.

What to do? I have to live up with my reputation- the Fashion Diva.

I want the ceremony to distinguish from the rest. And I couldn't help myself that my taste is wedding dresses are rare.

And this is why I insist on tailoring a dress instead of renting it.

Hmm...But who? Who would do it within my budget?

(Sigh)

I want to get married.

And I want to have vacations with my babies.

Okay, I am so sad and depressed, I am going to call my boyfriend now.

hunk

I left my phone at home today.

Time flies fast when you are busy.

That is why I didn't miss my phone today.

I was so busy, I didn't realize everyone left and, "How the hell should I call for my ride to come?"

There were me and another colleague, who also forgot to bring her phone! What are the odds!

And she suggested to use the phone in the building to call. I refused.

Because I am anal like that. For me, phones at work are for work purposes. I wouldn't use it for personal matters. Entahlah, I have this weird sense of committing a sin if I use the properties meant for work, for my own gain.

Oh, well, since I was in a big building, I thought of waiting at the lobby as usual. For sure, someone I know would pass me by and I could simply ask to borrow his/ her phone.

As I was walking down the stairs, I saw a man in a brown jacket, dashingly walking passing the maindoor.

And of course, I would know that figure anywhere, he is, afterall, my current crush, Hunk.

I looked around in case I know anybody else in that building. I don't want to be desperate y'know. Besides he was already at least 20 metres ahead of me.

I didn't have a choice, so I yelled, "Hunk!" At the second yell, he stopped and turned his body around.

And I quickened by baby steps trying to catch up with him.

He squinted his eyes, trying to adjust his vision. Oh yeah, Hunk wears glasses, but when he's in that macho brown jacket, he would take his glasses off, ready to speed on his bike.

Gile cair gue...!

"Boleh pinjam handphone tak? I lupa bawa handphone hari ni. Kena call orang ambil dari kerja..." I said.

I told him the truth, "Tadi balik kerja lambat, tak sedar semua orang dah balik..."

He said okay and lent me his phone, which wallpaper is a photo of his newborn baby. Cute.

"Macam mana nak guna ni?" I asked. In case you didn't know, I don't like fancy phones. Phones are for calling. Cameras are for taking pictures. Laptops are for work. When they all come together, I feel cramped. I'd rather have separate apparatus designed to do its job.

"Tekan aje macam biase..."

Oh, indahnya perasaan menyukai seseorang lepas tu dapat cakap dengan orang tu...Hahaha...
I felt like a school kid having a crush on her senior and feeling high just because he talked to me.

Anyway, I thought things are gonna be short and sweet, but no, he asked me stuff and we had our own little conversation...

Until my ride arrived.

The end.

In the car, I thought of how I like his perfectly alligned teeth. How he looked ugly when I first met him but now I can totally appreciate his looks. He has a nice, sweet smile. I also I imagined how cool he is riding a big bike to work everyday.

Aaahhh! (Screams)

BTW,
I won't go too far with this little one-sided fling I am having okay.
I'm sure his wife and daughter totally deserve to have a husband/ daddy like him.
I'm just like this fan who adores a celebrity, who blushes after getting an autograph from him.

Besides, I'm leaving soon.
Goodbye crush/ Hunk.

(Only last week I thought I was over him just because he didn't eat lunch with me after he saw an empty seat at my table. I wasn't too disappointed, in fact, I kept on talking and talking with my colleagues and totally forgot about him)

At last, something refreshing: www.fashiontoast.com
I wish I would've stumbled upon the site earlier. And I want to be pretty like her!

Okay, I hate pretty ladies now just because I am not. Hmph!

And the worst part is, my things are mostly similar to what she has, just that I rarely wear them (because I'm too shy to be OTT- over the top).

That aside, I love all of her hairbands/ headgears. Whenever I want to wear something like that, my boyfriend says it's so different, people wouldn't believe what profession I go by during the day. Wah, suke hati lah, I am not that old! And I like to be different. Hmph, once more!

And the over-the-knees socks/ stockings! I love! But Mother/ Father/ boyfriend will faint if they see me in anything too short. I already received a two-hour long nagging from my dear boyfriend for wearing a skirt while hanging out with my friends the other day...

Apparently, he only approves when worn with him. Silly. Because he claims he can protect me and no hands/ eyes can go underneath. Haha.

On the other hand, www.stylecovered.com makes me wanna wear a hijab.

I'm confused. Can I choose either one according to my mood?

One thing I know- both bloggers are half Jap, half white. So not fair!



Enough girl talk.



My cat passed away a few weeks ago. What seemed like a happy family in progress (his partner just gave birth to their baby and he was a superb daddy!), ended in tragic. And that was the first time I watched keadaan nyawa nyawa ikan, my cat was gasping for air but I couldn't do anything about it.

He was sick for a long time. Since he was a baby, he had frequent visits to the vet.

And he was okay that morning. Sure, we noticed how his health was deteriorating. His body was skinny, and he was urinating so little, and he wasn't able to jump.

That night, he just laid there.

All my previous cats were either missing before we found them dead, or was hit by cars. So, that's easy goodbye.

I wasn't prepared for this. I couldn't watch him in pain, so I locked myself up in the room and cried.

I thought I didn't love him. Because I've been so heartbroken for so many times before by the death of a pet, that's why I promised myself not to get too attached to this cat. I knew I would be crushed if he was gone.

Anyway, I couldn't control my sadness and I broke down. I called my boyfriend and I sobbed. My eyes swelled up pretty badly and tears of sadness simply fell down on my face like a kid.

He couldn't walk for at least 12 hours. His breath was short and he couldn't eat.

I thought he may have had stroke or something.

This experience has totally changed my view on euthanasia.



[Definition: The act of a physician or other third party ending a patient's life in response to severe pain and suffering.

The act or practice of ending the life of an individual suffering from a terminal illness or an incurable condition, as by lethal injection or the suspension of extraordinary medical treatment.]



I used to be against enthanasia/ mercy killing as I believe, as a Muslim, we shouldn't play God.

They argue, we are actually making the death easier by administrating drugs that are lethal and death would be sudden and not prolonged. According to them, mercy killing is actually making the death less painful.

First of all, how do you know death is not painful? Have you ever experienced it? In Islam, death is the most painful thing a human can feel. I don't believe in any drug that could make it less painful.

I won't elaborate further more on this matter, but what I want to say is, after seeing my cat suffering,

I realized I was praying to God to just snatch his life away rather than letting him be miserable and in pain but alive.

Isn't that a wishful thinking for supporting mercy killing?

I am disgusted at myself.
I should've prayed like Mother thought me a very long time ago- I was about 9 or 10 years old when a distant relative was commatose in the hospital:
Dear God, if he is best alive, let him live, but if he is best dead, let him die.

After seeing my cat, I thought, maybe, just maybe, I am one for mercy killing.

:(






Speaking of cats, I've been nicknamed by colleague- Kucing.

"You are just like a kucing," he said.

"Kucing is good. I'm alright with cats. Cats are cute!" I exclaimed, thinking it was a compliment.

"No, you are like those street cats. You know, the kind which wander at the stalls, then mewing asking for food, thinking it's cute..."

Why am I like that so suddenly?!

He said, "Because you always ask for food. You eat and eat but you are not fat, I really think there cacing in your tummy!"

I explained that I know my body is not sexy and I, myself, am not happy at my body shape. I wish I had more flesh like I used to. You know, the kind that falls at the right places, my bums and my boobies...

I've always been flat. But now I am flatter than ever.

It has been the 3rd week since he has nicknamed me Kucing.

"Hoi, Kucing!" he greeted me early one morning.

I smiled back at him and said, "Meow..."

And we broke into early morning laughter. What a way to start a long day at work.






P/S:
I saw my crush coming back from work today. I straight away called my boyfriend.

"Tengah buat apa tu?" he asked.
"I tengah...Tengok budak yang I suke tu! Hehehe..."
"Oh, budak yang suka tu...Jangan tengok lama-lama tau," he requested.
"Dia balik pakai jaket la. I rasa dia pergi kerja naik motor la...Wow, I jatuh cinta! Bila you nak naik motor?"

My boyfriend laughed, "Yeke? I pun naik motor kadang-kadang!"
"I tanak you naik motor kapcai okay!" I whined.
"Siapa kata I naik motor kapcai? I naik Ducati, handsome macam Brad Pitt!"

Major perasan! If he ever had a Ducati, I'd be forcing him to send me to and fro my workplace. Gila hot tertonggek atas motor macam Megan Fox dalam Transformer 2.

a day's work

Currently, there's a new hunk in the department and I'm way too attracted to him!

It wasn't love at first sight. We spent one day together (work-related) and I'm beginning to see the charisma in him.

I shared the news with my other colleagues and that was the first time my colleagues got to evaluate my taste in man.

"Ectopy, he's ugly!" my friend told me.

I know he's not good looking, but he's not thaaat bad looking! I even explained to my friends that they have to spend one day with him to discover the sweetness in him.

Only those who have THE eyes can see it, only those who have THE sense can feel it.
Haha.

However, he's married. With a kid some more.

I accidentally found out more about his background, and I could see the similarities between him and my boyfriend.
No wonder I'm so attracted to him!

The thing is, I just couldn't help myself from being attracted to him! Argh! It's been long since I last had a huge crush on a guy like this. I hope it'll die off soon because
he is married!

Now I know how it is like to be attracted to a married man.

If his wife ever finds out that her husband has an admirer, I hope she will take it as a compliment instead of a threat.




Today, at work, my colleague told me, "Ectopy, you always have a different view."
Another colleague said, "Ectopy, I never see you get panicked."

You see, we had a huge thing going on this morning and everyone whose involved was sweating and worrying.

I did worry and I did get panicked, I felt my heart was pounding, but somehow the emotions didn't reflect physically by my facial expression.

Besides, what else could I do? Cry? Smile sajalah...

Smile and eat quietly. And looking at things positively. That's when the comment of- me having a different view- given.

Oh-kay. I didn't realize that my view was quite different from the general population.

Perhaps that's why I wasn't very impressed by the book Tuesdays With Morrie. I don't consider it as an eye-opener. I've always had an optimistic outlook towards life like Morrie.

This attitude has probably been strengthened since I met my boyfriend.

Look, the way we see it, if we lost something valuable or something precious have been taken away, it's okay. They are just things. We could replace them.
It doesn't mean that we don't appreciate them, it's just that, replacing an object is a small matter and it shouldn't cause unnecessary distress in our life.

For example, somebody hit the car. It's alright. The person was stupid, of course, (for hitting my car), but it was an accident, he/she never intended it to happen and I'm probably at fault too, although very minimal.
Yang penting, we can always repair the car. Or buy a new one. And yes, mana nak cari duit. But guess what, we can always find money. Rezeki kan berada di mana-mana. So no way I'm gonna waste my time and energy regretting for what had happened and spending money on something that should've been avoided.

It's just money lah. Tak payah nak berkira sangat. Tak payah nak rasa rugi. In fact, in Islam, we are encouraged to spend our wealth (ke jalan kebenaranlah in this context). That's why, we have zakat and zuhud.

We shouldn't think too much about money and materials. It makes us greedy, it makes us stingy, it makes us arrogant.




Shit. Suddenly teringat balik dekat my crush, which from now on, I'd call Hunk. Haha.
Hunk is going to be temporary. I know myself. It will die off sooner or later.

In the meanwhile, should I continue admiring Hunk, or should I do something to make myself unlike him? Should I enjoy this harmless excitement at the workplace?
I think I know the answer.
I plan to proceed.

Haha.

Thank you for sharing your story, Weed. (Refer to her comment in my post below)
I hope you'd tell about the 'kek kemek' pulak nanti. :)

Now, let me tell you my story which you remind me of.

I was in a bus, somewhere not in Malaysia, where the bus stopped for a very long time. I was getting annoyed and began to look out of the windows to see what was delaying our journey. Was it the traffic congestion? It seemed odd because we were on a big road, which traffic rarely occurred at that time of the day. Other vehicles stopped too, from both ways!

An old, frail lady was crossing the road.

She was holding a walking stick, walking slowly, with the help of a younger lady, who left her BMW door wide open with the engine on (and of course, nobody would want to take opportunity on her).

Another young man, came out from a different car, was stopping the traffic from the other side to let the ladies cross the road.

So, lets imagine if the situation happened in Malaysia. Of course we would have the conscious not to hold up the traffic and just continue our journey because, well, this all happened at the other side of the road which wouldn't affect us, because we were the people who were going the other way.

But noooo....The citizens in this particular country, decided to stop. All of them. Whether they were going North, East, South or West. And nobody honked anybody.

And mind you, we were in a city, the capital of the country, not in some outskirt countryside where people are generally nicer.

And all of us waited. Until the nenek tua crossed the divider and another jalan besar.
To get into the bus I was on.

Even the bus driver had a big heart!

Kalau dekat sini, of course the bus driver would have left us. Tak kuasa nak tunggu 10 minit. Lu lambat, lu kena tinggal, lu tahan bas pun, wa jalan buat tak tahu, lagi wa langgar adalah!

Ataupun, kita mempunya pemikiran macam ni, "Dah tua-tua macam ni pun nak naik bus ke? Baik duduk rumah je lah. Nak keluar jalan-jalan tapi menyusahkan orang."

Well, giving my benefit of doubt, the people in that country memang generally very, very, very nice pun. In fact, personally, I think they are the nicest people in the world. Sangat, sangat baik, friendly and fair. They treat all people equally, tak kira lah bangsa apa, tua atau muda, cacat ke tak, miskin ke kaya, they accomodate for everybody...That's why when I was there, I didn't feel poor even though money was limited. We all used coupons and they didn't give that look when we asked for discounts. Tak ada rasa malu pun nak guna public transport because even the millionaires naik basikal pergi kerja.

I'm glad the values I learned there, I still hold onto tight until now.






My boyfriend and I have our daily sessions of telephone calls.
"Tadi petang," my boyfriend told me last night, "Mak budak accident tu telefon."

"Kenapa dia call?" I asked.

"Dia cakap, 'Terima kasihlah bawa anak makcik pergi hospital. Makcik tak tahu nak buat apa. Dia tu anak yatim, bapa dia dah meninggal. Makcik orang tak sekolah. Makcik tak tahu nak buat apa.'"

I'm sure it's nothing. He'll probably just need a operation (or probably dah buat operation dah pun). Tinggal money issue je.

Sekolah ke tak sekolah, ikut cakap doktor is best. Jangan ikut cakap bomoh. Haha.

Doctor will probably say that the patient needs a lot of rest, but must also help himself by not just lying down. Kena beli crutches to help him ambulate. Kena makan ubat. Tapi jangan biasakan diri makan painkillers. Kena pergi regular follow-ups.

Tapi kalau bab saman saman, nak minta gantirugi (since it wasn't the boy's fault), insurans ke apa, itu kami tak tahu. Kena report polis lah kot.

Kalau that stupid lady refuses to help, harap dia mati masuk neraka.






My life doesn't have an insurance. My life has no value, say the insurance agents, if I don't get an insurance policy.
The insurance agents also say it's very, very important to have an insurance.

They still fail to convince me that I need an insurance.

I'm not arrogant saying I will never die abruptly or fall sick. I know I will, one day, I just refuse to think about it, or rather, I refuse to relate them with money.

If I die, my children don't need to inherit my properties in order to survive and be happy. I will teach them that they have to find their own funding.

If I fall sick, I don't mind going to a government hospital. I don't need a private room bathroom ensuite in a posh hospital to ease my pain. I need to see other people who are more unfortunate than I am to leave the world in peace and rasa syukur.
If I was left alone in the room, I would think I'm the most malang person in the world oh why is God doing this to me! Setan banyak kalau kita tinggal seorang, haven't you heard of that?
Contohnya, kalau patient sebelah kita sakit stroke pun tapi masih nak sembahyang, wouldn't you feel embarassed if you excuse yourself from praying just because you ada asthma?
And that's why I like to be in a crowd. Would a private hospital provide me such humbling moments while I'm dying? Unlikely.

I don't mind the insurance agents, I just don't like the ideas that they put into my head. Sometimes, I hate them so much (no offense, sorry!!! I couldn't help myself), the only thing that can prevent me for hating them as much is by thinking: Diorang pun cari makan juga. This is what they do to support their family. Ini rezeki diorang.

So, when they preach to me, I senyap je, angguk-angguk, pretend to be interested and then say "No, thank you."

Tapi nanti diorang akan cakap, "Betul ke tanak? Tak kisah ke kalau duduk dalam wad kerajaan, bila hospital dah penuh, diorang takkan terima you, kena tunggu lama-lama?"

I repeat, "No, thank you."

"Tapi sebelum tu, boleh you bagi nombor telephone kawan-kawan you?"

WHAT THE HELL! Can I just create the numbers and lie to you?






I also don't have a credit card.
I used to have one, then I terminate it. I think it's very useful especially when it comes to dealing online.

I used to ask my boyfriend, "Kenapa you tak ada credit card? Semua orang kerja ada credit cards!"

Shallow.

My boyfriend said:

- I takut overspend.
- I tak suka berhutang.
- You ingat, orang kaya tu orang yang banyak kad? Orang kayalah sepatutnya tak guna credit card, they should pay everything in cash.

Okay.

Then, a death came. I was sitting down with my friend, asking her, "What now?"

She said, "I'm gonna make sure Mom is alright, then I'm gonna settle all his credit cards, phone bills etc."

Credit cards. Hutang. What if nobody knows how many credit cards I'm using! I tanak mati berhutang!

Tapi beli kereta, beli rumah pun berhutang juga.

Okay, from now onwards, I'm going to tell my boyfriend about every hutang that I owe.

And no credit card for me.
Or maybe just one.
Just to book flight tickets? Hehe.

My good friend lost a family member. I can imagine how the mother is devastated because their family is small. To add salt to the wound, one other family member became useless. He's like a zombie, only physically there but always high, I assume.

And this is why I always want a large family. You never know what can happen.

But I hope, there's a hikmah di sebalik kejadian.
Who knows, the other family member will finally realize that he now has to take charge, change, be there for his mother.





When I was little, I always sympathize those poor children who have to walk to school under the burning sun or the heavy rain.

Whenever I see them, I'd ask quietly why Mother, the woman who always fetched me to and fro the school, never stopped to offer them a ride.

Tak kesian ke...

So, I promised myself, after I got my driving license, I would do volunteering work and randomly offer stranger kids the rides that they need.

But it never happened.

I'm not really sure why.





My boyfriend was driving when he was stopped looking at an accident victim lying by the roadside.

The motorcyclists met an accident with a dumb lady who stood there doing nothing. He was obviously bleeding and his leg was deformed.

My boyfriend decided to take him to the hospital.

The boy was in my boyfriend's car. He told my boyfriend, "Mak cakap, kalau macam ni kena bawa pergi jumpa bomoh, bang!"

Naive.
Ini bukan terseliuh main bola!





At least, my boyfriend is doing what I'm unable to bring myself to do.

Helping a complete stranger in trouble.

And he doesn't even mind the drops of blood staining his car seat.

"It's an old car anyway. I tak kesah pun."

And the more reasons to get a new, dashing car!
Yeay! :)

you'll find it.

A question.

Who can I trust to make a beautiful corset?

I think a really nice corset is hard to make, so I am thinking of separately sending the corset top to a good tailor and the rest of the dress shall be sewed by other low-key tailors. You know, just because I don't think it's worth it to spend thousands on a wedding dress.

Well, it is worth it, but I don't have enough budget.
I admit!




I gave my boyfriend a text message, basically I was praising myself using the words he had used to compliment me:
"I ni mata bulat, rambut lembut, kulit gebu, bibir mugil, body lawa, kaki licin, wangi, mata bulat, leher cantik...Bertuahnya you ni! What more can you ask for me hah! :)"

This is what he replied with:
"I nak hati you yang baik, kelembutan you, your presence and kasih sayang dan ihsan dari you."

Wow, that was a surprise.

Anyway...

I think this blog has become more or so the place where I document the nice things people had said about/ to me. It's important to remember these things especially during one of those low days when you feel worthless.

"Ectopy, I've been watching you for a long time. I notice you are very humble and hardworking. Keep it up. May God bless you. Jangan lupa banyak baca Quran, banyak-banyakkan berdoa."

Terus hati berbunga-bunga, when someone whom I am not close with, who could be as old as Mother, suddenly said those things to me.
On the other hand, I also has been admiring her from far. She's firm and kind, not irritating unlike some other people who hold the same position as her. And she always encourage people to pray, "Awak Muslim? Baca ni...(Then she would recite some doa). InsyaAllah everything's gonna be fine. Jangan takut. Kena kuat semangat."

The embarassing thing is, she thinks I'm such a nice person which I don't think I am. Perhaps I should recite the Quran more often.




I hate seeing my friends not believing in love. It makes me feel like, 'If I were single, I would've made you happy because I could love you, why wouldn't anyone love you and you love her back,' that kinda thing.

It's baaaaaad...and sad.

For some reasons, I always fail to convince them that they will find the one. Just like how I felt when I fell out of love several years back. I thought I could never loved anyone else more. But then, I found my boyfriend. And it is possible to love more and more.

I remember I was crushed thinking I could never find a person who I can love and love me back. But then, someone told me, of course you could never feel the same love again and you can never compare the love you will have with the previous ones. Because they are different love. But still love. Probably not better, but it's love.

Do you get what I mean!

See, I told you I always fail to explain this to my friends. You'll get what I mean when you've experienced it.

How was your Valentine's day?

One of my friends had a really super duper romantic one and instead of feeling jealous of her, I am so happy for her!

But because the mood still lingers, it opens up opportunities and twisted tales between my friends and their friends and their friends which in the end, I know all of them past and secrets. Why are we so interconnected?

And that's why I like to mingle my friends!