Somehow, at this age, I dislike when people say that I am smart.

We do change over time.

I remember when I was younger, it was something I was proud of. Like, it was the only thing that I knew I was good at. I was not pretty, but I was kinda smart. Definitely not the smartest, but academic studies were not very difficult for me. I used to get good grades even though my efforts were so-so.

Well, not anymore. I don't feel smart now. I've had failures, you see. And it crushed me. I am grounded because of this. If I was really intelligent, I wouldn't fail, again and again, right?

My husband thinks I am smart. I know he thinks so, but it's weird when he said it out loud the other day. We disagreed with someone whom we sought professional opinion from, then he said, "You pandai. You tengok sekali, you dah boleh suspect."

I got a compliment, indirectly, but why wasn't I happy? In my heart, I replied- I bukannya pandai. I observant je.

Same thing today. Had a chat with a friend. She was feeling down, and we talked, then we got to a particular topic, and she said- You memang pandai pun. She mentioned it twice.

Then, why don't I feel like I am!

I feel so ordinary.

There so many others who are way smarter than I am. I am not smart enough.

I wish I can fake it 'til I make it.