Jumpa sepasang couple. Ada anak perempuan seorang.

Malangnya, anak yang berumur 13 tahun itu diserang penyakit. Sekarang terlantar macam sayur. Hari-hari ibu bapa budak itu menjaga dia. Masih sayang macam menatang minyak yang penuh.

Bila saya tengok, hati saya jadi sayu.

Saya tak dapat bayangkan perasaan ibu bapa budak itu, sewaktu mereka mengusap kepalanya, mesti mereka terkenang saat-saat anak mereka sedang sihat, ketawa dan gembira.

Anak yang dilahirkan sihat, tapi sekarang, dah dekat 4 bulan tak dapat memberikan eye contact.

Kalau terjadi pada saya? Kuatkah saya?

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As much as I want to remain neutral in this blog, there's one thing I can't refrain myself from: announcing that I am pro vaccination.

It just saddens me to see the rising number of parents who refuse vaccination, especially when they claim it's a big conspiracy from Jews. Ironically, they also fitnah the doctors that vaccinations are given simply for the doctors' profits.

No, there's no hidden agenda other than we all want all of us to be healthy. As I drove from work this evening, I tuned in IKIM.fm and the Ustadz was talking about 'buruk sangka'. Janganlah berburuk sangka, nanti Syaitan baja perasaan tu.

Anyway, be careful of what you wish for.

I have a 'friend' (we went to school together) and she is so against vaccination- I can tell from her Facebook status.

She recently gave birth and the baby is still being admitted. I don't know what's the problem, but the baby is pretty ill.

It got me thinking. You can't give vaccination to the ill patients. Herd immunity is to protect the people who fall under this category.
Her baby is currently sick and I'm sure, is not eligible to receive vaccinations, yet.

This is what she had wished for. She didn't wish for her child to fall sick, but she did wish that her children go unvaccinated (she wouldn't allow- haram katanya, nak ikut makanan Sunnah semata).

Never in my heart to intend or think that the situation shall serve her right, but I guess, in the end, she really got what she wish for. Her child might never receive any vaccinations, because he just can't.

And I hope we all believe in Hikmah.

After my son purposely threw my breastpump on the floor and laughed about it, it stopped to function properly.

I asked my husband to look for the convertible manual kit, but he couldn't find it at our previous home.

And that's how my breastfeeding journey ended...

Actually, the more accurate term is, bye bye pumping days. I still have a month's stock left in the fridge.

18 months.

My son is a big boy now. But still sleeps while suckling -__-

Still haven't said a word.
Not trying to be a kiasu mom but I read it's important for babies to communicate well or they'll end up frustrated (because they are not understood).

I hope my child is happy because I always understand him. Magic betul how I can figure out from the grunts and points and cries.

I need to do some work but right now, I decided to have a little break.

And...Think about the weird dreams I had last night.

First dream:
Well, I dreamt that my husband had two wives! I am his first wife. Somehow, in that dream, my relationship with the second wife was quite good. I knew her and we were having a conversation like normal 'madu' (???!!!)
Suddenly, my husband entered the picture. He started to talk to the second wife. I don't remember what he did, but he did something that made me sad out of a sudden. And jealous at the same time, but more sad than jealous.
Then, I started to tell him how unfair he was to me. I told him that he always prioritized the second wife. "And that's why he's not supposed to marry the second wife because I knew he wouldn't be able to be fair to both of us."

Weird eh?
Adakah ini satu petunjuk?
A wife's instinct?

Second dream:
Okay, the second dream is quite scary. This is not the first time I dreamt about Hari Kiamat. I think Allah loves me because He keeps reminding about Hari Kiamat to me. But I am still not a good Muslim! Teruk kan I ni...Bilalah nak sedar...I want to be a good Muslim, I really do...

So, in this dream (or more precisely, nightmare), I was inside a tall building when we noticed the Sun rose from the West. Then, the Earth started to swallow itself, with comets pouring down and destroying everything.

I was panicking, of course. I could see it all clearly. And I thought, "I never imagined I would live to witness the Kiamat. Kenapa cepat sangat Kiamat ni?"

I kept having thoughts, "OMG, I am going to hell. I nak bertaubat. I nak bertaubat. Tapi dah nak Kiamat ni, Taubat dah tak diterima dah! I don't want to go to Hell. But I will go to Hell. Oh, God, please forgive and let me enter Heaven eventually. Please count all the little deeds I did, even though I am not a good Muslim."

Scary weih...!

Mother was a housewife. When I was 14, Father had to work away from home. But we mostly saw each other on weekends. I was already a teenager and was busy with school activities, so I never really missed having him around.

I had a completely different childhood than what my son is experiencing now.

Now that I am a Mother myself, I often wonder, how do kids feel when
- their Moms have to go to work very early in the morning, and arrive home at 9pm the earliest
- they have long distance relationships with their Fathers
- sometimes they don't even get to see their Moms everyday

I want to understand what's going on in their minds and how this will impact them when they grow up.

Do they grow up sad?
Too independent?
Not talking to their parents?

I asked a friend, whose parents are in the same profession as mine, how did he feel when he was just a child?
He said, his parents sent him to the kampung to be taken care by his grandparents. Then, his parents took him back. During lunchtime, he stayed at his babysitter's house. Then, he went to the boarding school...

But how do you really feel?
Have you ever felt neglected? Sad? Simply give up on your parents?

Am I just overreacting? My son won't remember all this, yet.

But I will. And I pray not to be haunted by this decision, ever.

Once I moved back to Mother's house, my son and I slept on a mattress on the floor in my room, just because I was scared he might fall off the bed. Previously, he slept in the middle between my husband and I, so I wasn't really worried about that.

Slowly, as my back couldn't take it anymore, my son and I started to sleep on our bed.

Being the boy that he is, tidur berguling guling, pusing sana, pusing sini, sometimes, he ended up with only his body on the bed, while his waist down hanging by the bed. Funny, I tell you.

Just now, when he was already fast asleep, I was getting ready for Isyak. Suddenly, he woke up. Then I smiled at him and he fell back to sleep. So, I started my solat, but I heard him falling!

Terpaksa batalkan solat.

Anak bertuah ni, boleh pulak sambung tidur dekat atas lantai. Haha!

It's midnight now. Time yang tak best. Because this is the only time that I'm free (because Baby K dah tidur), but I couldn't do the important stuff like banking and pay my bills.